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Being around Kaworu was an endless joyride. An epiphany most men would tremble at the sight of. He was slowly sinking deeper and deeper into everything that was Kaworu as if the boy were quicksand. That, that was something Shinji couldn’t wrap his head around until it quite literally laid in his lap.
Kaworu’s head of grey-hued hair, that is.
A set of eyes gazed up at him, oozing the crimson in which they emphasized so greatly. Shinji looked back, lips parted and line of vision scurrying over every detail. From the brighter tips of his hair to the playful, ominous light his features often bathed in, Shinji couldn’t detect anything imperfect about Kaworu.
He was simply flawless, perhaps knowing such as a smile played at his lips. A smile which made Shinji want to kiss him — something he’d never quite wanted to do before now.
The only and first person he’d ever kissed was Asuka, the experience being… interesting in its own sense. Well, if turning a concerning shade of purple was anything… But he held a flicker of hope that this time it might differ. That kissing Kaworu wouldn’t refrain from being less than pure.
So, with his breath caged inside his lungs, Shinji leaned closer. Kaworu didn’t flinch away in the slightest and seemed as sucked in as Shinji, lips gravitating towards the ones hovering above his own.
Magnets. They were like magnets, drawn to each other in ways unexplainable yet written within their very cores. This made contact unavoidable once enough distance was filled, Kaworu ushering Shinji’s touch to him, wanting better access. Although trembling with anxiousness, Shinji did exactly so, tilting Kaworu’s chin upwards and away from his lap.
The kiss was drawn out and sweet, meant to be chaste but neither was quick to pull away. And, once the feeling of lips against lips was gone, Kaworu still maintained a dazed expression which made something in Shinji’s stomach squirm.
“Can I kiss you again?” Shinji asked outwardly. The words were practically breathed onto Kaworu’s complexion as there was barely any distance between them — even after parting.
“Can you?”
What would typically be a usual, teasing response came across as muffled. Kaworu didn’t sound like himself. Almost as if his head were underwater, a liquid barrier creating murkiness within his tone.
“I…- Why wouldn’t I be able to?”
“Don’t you remember, Shinji?”
“Remember what exactly?”
“The incident.”
Shinji’s gaze widened to the size of saucers, mind replaying Kaworu’s — or whoever had been speaking’s — claims. Then it all came flooding back, overwhelming in every sense, striking him like a physical and mental injury.
Blood. So much blood. It dripped down Shinji’s palms wrapping around each fingertip, painting him an ugly shade of red. He stared down, awestruck at the monstrosity that was slicking his hands. No, not Shinji’s hands. He could feel the warmth and atrocity, but it wasn’t on his own skin. It was coloring his Eva’s — Unit-01’s — animatronic limbs. Yet the burden didn’t weigh on the Eva. It weighed on his own, selfish heart that often wanted more than could be given.
He only wanted a little bit more…
What Shinji recalled next was worse.
The shortness of breath. The grinding of metal against bone and flesh. The limpness which replaced what had once been moving, moving with liveliness and shallow breath. They all occurred in slow motion, and he could only watch in horror. Watch the love of his life beg for his end.
Nausea overtook his throat that suddenly felt impossibly raw. He was knocked down from his mind, the veil lifted. He didn’t see Kaworu in his lap anymore though.
Instead Shinji stood in an endless, blood-like ocean, his pant legs stained by the body’s meniscus. Then he collapsed upon his knees weakly, not a protest found within his figure as he toppled over and onto his side. Pinching his eyes shut, Shinji willed everything to go away. To simply fade and become nothing. Yet when his sight peeled open there was something .
Kaworu.
His line of vision stared back at Shinji. However, it lacked any light or life, empty. That’s all it took for Shinji’s eyes to roll back into his head, unconsciousness taking over.
⋇⋆ ✦ ⋆⋇
His breath felt locked within his chest as he awoke. Sheets were tangled around his limbs, constricting in every way. He couldn’t see anything, shapes blending and becoming one around him.
Then a small light source flickered on. It was accompanied by concerned, crimson eyes that were trained on Shinji.
A hand reached out to him, delicate in the way it slowly maneuvered to cup his jaw. He let it soothe him for awhile as his rapid breathing came to a calm.
“You okay?” Shinji leaned deeper into the touch, assured by the voice attached to it.
Now this, this was Kaworu alright. Shinji knew immediately based on the lack of distortion in his tone, that comforting him alone.
Kaworu seemed to sense this change and leaned in further. He pressed a featherlight kiss against Shinji’s forehead, lips lingering to provide realness. “C’mere.”
In reply, Shinji also leaned into him further. His ear rested against Kaworu’s chest, nerves high strung until he picked up the rhythmic beating underneath.
He was alive. He was right here. Kaworu wasn’t going anywhere, and whatever awful fantasy his mind conjured meant nothing when he glanced upon real life.
Fingertips carded through his hair while the steady heartbeat calmed him down. They both acted as physical proof and confirmation.
“It’s okay, Shinji. I’m okay. ”