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You know, a lot of times in movies or tv series or books, a creator tries to represent a character going through depression while also giving them a healthy relationship. They think it will be so great to show someone struggling persevere because they find true love in life. Next thing you know, the audience is eating all that shit up.
Toko abhorred this.
It was so inaccurate, so offensive, and so something she wished were true. If only it was that easy, as finding a partner would cure her depression and magically she would live happily ever after in a big castle with a dreamy lover who will cherish her for the rest of eternity.
However life wasn’t some poorly written money-grab representation that romanticizes mental health. Life was real, cold, and cruel. In life it didn’t matter if Toko finally found a girlfriend who loved and accepted her for who she was, she would still suffer and struggle just as she always had when she was alone. It was fitting, seeing it was only a matter of time until she was alone again.
Toko was empty. It felt as if a bottomless void was drifting inside of her, consuming everything it can reach and making it disappear forever. It ate up everything. First it was her stomach so she no longer felt the need to eat. Then it was her brain so that her mind felt numb, unable to think of anything other than the empty abyss encompassing her. Finally, it was her heart, leaving this dark flowing pain and sense of apathy that began to build up in Toko, bigger and stronger and faster until it was viciously destroying Toko from the inside out, like a level 5 hurricane of apathy inside her body.
Depressive swings were never fun, but this recent one was especially horrendous for Toko. It’s been days since she has showered, and she has barely lifted a finger to drink or eat any of the food provided for her. It’s not even like it’s far away, Komaru has been leaving plates for every meal of the day right besides her bed and will even feed her sometimes. But to do so alone? Toko just can’t find the effort or reason enough to care. All she feels is this numb yet throbbing at the same time dread thrash inside of her. She was a paradox, an anomaly, and that confusion only led to more frustration and apathy.
Poor Komaru had to put up with her. Bless her saint of a girlfriend’s soul for not leaving Toko yet, even after Toko shoved her away or bailed on plans nonstop for the past five days while Komaru simply smiled and continued to take care of her. It felt as if Toko was too lucky to be with Komaru. She was understanding while Toko would vary from yelling to grumbling at her to leave. Komaru’s kindness knew no boundaries, and it left Toko feeling as if Komaru was too good for her.
She always knew Komaru was too good for her, ever since they started dating. But now with this major depressive spiral of hers, Toko could only feel guilty knowing she was constantly disappointing Komaru, leaving her hanging and holding her back from enjoying their relationship because Toko selfishly couldn’t bother to get out of bed.
The detest and remorse swirled around in Toko’s gut as more warm, glistening tears slid from her eyes and into her pillow. Stress wallowed up, laying a lump in her throat as the only thing that held back all of her sobs. It was pointless, however, after a certain point of crying it was no longer a catharsis for Toko, but rather a joke that mocked her. Yet she continued to cry until she drifted off into sleep, the lethargy and numb hatred resonating inside her as her insides felt jumbled up and cold.
She was helpless, weak against her mind as Toko continued to remember all the pains of her past, relive the actions she wished she could take back, and remembered how she was too weak to prevent them from ruining her future with Komaru.
No, all Toko could do was cry herself to sleep, lost in thought of how pathetic life was and how it will always be.
She felt broken, far too broken beyond repair.
Komaru didn’t deserve something broken, she deserved something beautiful and new and something that would radiate light like a bursting sun, the only comparable thing to how bright Komaru’s smile was. Ultimately, Komaru deserved better than Toko.
At least, that’s what Toko always told herself.
Crying yourself to sleep is already a pretty shitty feeling to wake up to, so to be woken up by the jabs of your girlfriend’s fingers as she smushed your face was clearly not a pleasant feeling to add onto this terrible wave of pain and apathy washing over Toko. Either that, or Toko really doesn’t understand the standards of affection for some people.
Grumpily, Toko slowly swatted Komaru’s hand and let out a soft and elongated groan, signaling she wanted to sleep a bit longer. But Komaru continued to tap Toko awake, this time gently pretending her fingers were drum sticks as she lightly tapped Toko’s shoulder. Finally Toko managed to get up when Komaru pressed a soft kiss against her forehead, giving Toko a small boost of energy that was enough to sit up and groggily greet her girlfriend.
“Omaru, wh-what on earth do you want?” Toko grumbled a bit as she leaned onto Komaru and rested her chin on Komaru’s shoulder, turning her head slightly to nuzzle softly into Komaru’s neck, eliciting a giggle from a smitten Komaru.
“It’s two o’clock in the afternoon, I thought I would get you up before you missed the whole day again.”
Toko bit back a frown after hearing this. Of fucking course it’s two o’clock in the fucking afternoon, whenever she fronts when she wakes up it is always past noon. For the love of literature, it's not like she even stayed up late! She’s just been sleeping for the past fifteen hours, and yet Toko still wakes up restless, mind numb and limbs laying heavy on her bed, begging her to go back to sleep or let one of her alters like Jill front. At least they could find the will to properly greet Komaru and get out of bed.
But no, she was fronting and she felt like shit. And the time she woke up was just another reminder to Toko of how messy her life was, and what’s more, how she is dragging Komaru into that mess.
These thoughts burned into Toko’s mind, guilting her as she casted her eyes onto Komaru’s smile, a heavenly smile that was so patient, so forgiving, enough so that it still would greet Toko awake even when she didn’t deserve it. That sweetness only magnified Toko’s thoughts, as they became deafeningly loud in Toko’s mind, as if they were screaming her sins at her like an angry Christian mother. It all made Toko want to throw her covers over her head, shut her eyes tight and tune out the world so she could cry herself back to sleep.
“But whyyyy?” Toko whined after finally collecting enough energy to say something. Although childish at the moment, she was greeted by a loving head pat from Komaru in return.
“Cause you still need to eat, silly,” Komaru sweetly said, giving Toko a soft gaze that almost made Toko feel something for a second. Almost.
“F-Food is an overrated social construct formed by the government to make more cash by brainwashing us into believing we have to fulfill these necessities to survive,” Toko said. “I-I won’t comply with the government Omaru.”
Komaru paused for a second, rendered speechless as she processed what Toko just said.
“Toko, I love you, but what the fuck?” Komaru sighed.
“Ah, you are weak minded, the government has already gotten to you and has brainwashed you. Don’t worry Komaru, I still love you and I will avenge you,” Toko joked, somehow finding the energy to smile as she relaxed a bit in Komaru’s soothing presence.
“Seeing as you have enough energy to theorize and bash the government, you must have enough energy to eat then yourself.” Komaru huffed in faux anger, only to flash Toko her bright smile a second later. “C’mon Toki, let’s go downstairs, I’ll make you breakfast.”
Toko froze upon hearing Komaru’s offer, the words breakfast making her stomach turn and twist more than any roller coaster ever has, and the mere thought of getting out of bed added one thousand pounds onto the heavy weight that was chained to Toko, burdening her with this lethargy and guilt as she flopped back down despite a Komaru’s kindness and laid her limbs on her bed, sinking into the plush of her mattress that once felt soft but now felt like a rock against her skin.
Getting out of bed was a nightmare for Toko at the time, not only did it require effort, but it would force her to be overwhelmed with blatant signs of how far she has fallen recently. Getting out of bed meant facing herself in the mirror and seeing the dark bags that clinged to her under her eyes, or the blaring red stain in her eyes after a long session of crying, or the rat's nest that once was her hair that was now tangled into a million knots of various sizes. There was just so much to take in, and Toko was just too fatigued to face it, albeit doing nothing for almost a week.
Just thinking of that made Toko want to cry. But she couldn’t, not in front of Komaru at the very least. So Toko bit her lip and shook her head.
“N-no. I-I would rather not leave my room at-t the moment,” Toko stuttered, cursing at herself for being so anxious. Her stutter was always worse when her anxiety was high, and right now her anxiety was hitting her harder than a tsunami as she tried to swallow up the guilt and pain of turning down Komaru once again. “…..I-I’m sorry.”
“Oh,” Komaru said, pouting for a second before cheering up in her usual chipper tone. “That’s okay, I’ll just bring you your breakfast and you can eat it up here.”
That one second pout was already enough guilt to kill Toko, but she had to ask the question sizzling in her mind.
“Can I eat it alone?”
“I mean, if that’s what you want, Toki, then of course,” Komaru said, sweetly giving Toko a worried smile.
Toko sighed at the sight. “I’m sorry, you probably hate how I’m kicking you out, I just can’t do it today…”
“Can’t do what today?”
“Life.”
Komaru looked at Toko and then shook her head, smiling once more. She got up, brushing off her skirt a bit, before walking to the door. She then paused before leaving, taking one last look at Toko.
“No need to apologize babes, if you need rest then you take some time for yourself,” Komaru explained before leaving Toko alone with her thoughts.
Terrible mistake, truly. The second Komaru closed the door was the second Toko’s fate was sealed. Her thoughts instantly bombarded her, terrorizing her and haunting her like some sleep paralysis demon. The words ‘it’s all my fault’ and ‘you hurt her’ were basically engraved in her brain, beating against her skull louder and harder than a snare drum as Toko continuously replayed what just happened in her mind.
Once again she bailed on Komaru, and once again it left her feeling like shit, both as a person and as a partner. Toko couldn’t stop whispering to herself how much of an idiot she was, and how Komaru deserved better than her. Unknowingly, Toko’s body began to shake as she hid under the blanket.
When Komaru came back upstairs with Toko’s breakfast, Toko made no attempt to speak, or to even flash Komaru a grateful smile. Her energy was too drained to even search for the effort, and emotionally she was a dumpster fire mess. So instead, Toko just silently stayed still until a Komaru left the plate by her bed and exited Toko’s room. Even then though, Toko felt too shitty to eat. Just the thought of poking at an egg made her stomach turn.
Great, not cherishing the breakfast Komaru made for her. Now she can add that to the reasons why she is a shitty person.
Toko grumbled as her stomach growled. Disgruntled and exhausted, she slowly reached for her plate to nibble on a small bite of the breakfast. After that, however, Toko couldn’t find it in herself to take another, and rather ignored her stomach's whines as she smashed her face into her pillow, letting out a loud and whiny groan before breaking into sobs once more. Toko would stay like that for a while until she drifted off into a nap, something to criticize herself for later.
When Toko regained consciousness, she was leaving the inner world to front the body again. She realized she must have been dissociating in the inner world for a bit because the plate of food was empty and she was dressed in new clothes, holding open a book between her hands. Thankfully that means one of the others must have taken care of her needs while they fronted, most likely Jill, who fronted the most besides Toko.
With the empty plate, Toko was now faced with two thoughts. One was the constant monster of guilt currently swirling inside of her, and the other was that she needed to take the plate down to the kitchen. The bigger issue with the latter was that Toko still didn’t want to get out of bed, despite it being about five o’clock at night according to the clock.
That flashing red light in the clock was a blaring reminder of how Toko just wasted another day doing nothing. She couldn’t help but let out a frustrated groan at that thought while she pushed back the internal contemplation of whether or not she should bring down the plate. Everything just seemed to be so much, too much.
The scary part was that Toko would consider just ending it all.
However, she wasn’t left to dawdle on those thoughts for long as a soft knock on the door broke Toko’s self-depreciation stare out of shock. Toko quietly muttered an invitation in, and instantly the door swiftly swung open with a mild bang bursting after it slammed against the wall.
A loud ‘eep’ escaped Toko’s mouth as she nearly fell off her bed from the sheer force of her startled jump. She quickly turned to glare at the inconsiderate buffoon who nearly gave her a heart attack, but calmed down as soon as she saw Komaru standing at her door frame with a sheepish smile, one that Toko both adored and would roll her eyes at in faux annoyance.
“W-wow Omaru, you sure do know how to make an entrance. Remind me t-to never carpool with you when going somewhere.” Toko joked.
“Ah, sorry, I knew I swung too much when I opened up the door,” Komaru said.
“You swung at least enough to cause an avalanche if we had lived on a mountain,“ Toko remarked.
“I know, I’m sorry. I guess I was just a bit too focused on preparing myself for this conversation.”
Toko’s heart unwillingly sank after hearing that. The words Komaru had said had caused intrusive thoughts to all come crashing down into her mind. Toko thought she must have done something wrong, Komaru must have grown sick of her, or maybe she realized how shitty Toko is and decided to end things. She tried to pull herself together, but Toko couldn’t help but feel scared.
“T-This conversation?” Toko asked, her voice quivering a little.
“Yeah… it’s really important, and I just don’t want to say the wrong thing and accidentally hurt you,” Komaru explained.
It’s official, Komaru hates her guts and is finally ditching the extra weight Toko is in her life. Dear lord, she wanted to cry, but Toko could only bite her lip and wait until Komaru left. She didn’t want Komaru to see her cry. No, not again.
“I just want you to know that I do still care about you, but Toki…” Komaru awkwardly looked at the ground in shame.
Oh god no, here it comes. Goodbye the one good thing Toko had going in her life, hello loneliness and heartbreak.
“I don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to cut straight to the point,” Komaru finally said before taking one last deep breath in. “Toko, you need to take a shower!”
“I-I knew it! You hate me and I’m ugly and— wait, what?” Toko exclaimed, stopping mid-sentence to stare at Komaru in bewilderment.
“What? No, I would never hate you, Toki. And don’t say that about yourself, you are very beautiful.” Komaru quickly reassured her, her face softening in slight worry and empathy at the thought of what Toko had assumed.
“So, you don’t want to break up with me?” Toko asked in confusion, staring at Komaru in a fragile and frightened hope.
“No, never! Where did you even get that idea?”
Toko quietly bit the inside of her lip as she twiddled with her sheets, too embarrassed to admit her own self doubts that Komaru had already caught up on. She felt even more guilty for assuming things now. Great, her life this week has been nothing but guilt, guilt and more guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. That’s all Toko can even feel at this point, too numb for anything else but that vile and sleazy feeling that incinerates her soul like acid every second she feels it.
Finally when she looked back up at Komaru, she was greeted with a worried glance that pushed Toko a bit too close to the edge. She just wanted it all to end, to not see that worried look in Komaru’s eyes ever again. She deserves to be happy, but with Toko she isn’t.
Once again, guilt, guilt, guilt.
“Uh, n-nevermind, can we just forget about this whole thing happening?” Toko groaned in an attempt to bottle up all her feelings and hide them away in a place that even Komaru couldn’t find.
Komaru sighed, looking at the clock. “Ugh, for now I guess we will have to, but only so we can give you a bath.”
Now, that caught Toko’s attention.
“Wait, what?” Toko exclaimed in a mix of shock and disgust. She then whined to Komaru, praying she was joking. “No, Komaru do I have to? I feel like shit whenever I leave my room, especially to bathe.”
“Well, Toko, my love, I mean this is the most affectionate way possible, but you smell like shit just sitting here and rotting away in your room.”
“…touché.”
“Look, I know you don’t like to bathe when these spirals happen, but your hygiene is important. And when was the last time you have showered, hmm? It’s been at least over a week and a half,” Komaru said, giving Toko a pointed stare.
Toko stayed silent, well aware that Komaru was right but still upset with the idea and just the thought of all the energy the act will exhaust from her body. That misery was just too agonizing right now, especially all alone.
“I promise it won’t be as bad as you think, Toko. Besides, I’ll be there to help you out with whatever,” Komaru promised as if she had read Toko’s mind.
“R-really Omaru?” Toko stuttered, feeling a bit relieved and more open to the idea of Komaru being by her side. If Komaru is next to her, she could possibly do anything really.
“Of course love.” Komaru gave Toko a soft smile before getting up and offering her a hand. “Now let’s take you to the shower before Togami takes one. That prick always hogs all the hot water like the pissy smartass twat he is.”
“Don’t let Makoto hear you say that about him.” Toko joked as she followed Komaru out the door and down the hall.
“Makoto can choke on his dick if he has an issue with it. Bonded by blood or not, Byakuya has made me wait three days now to do this because he needs to use all the hot water up for his hair and long ass legs. If Makoto wants to defend the man preventing me from looking after my girlfriend, the most beautiful woman in the world might I add, then I’m whacking him,” Komaru huffed light heartedly, but in the end smiled at Toko.
“I g-guess mas-“ Toko paused, correcting her old and terrible habit, which brought a bigger smile to Komaru’s face. “ahem, Byakuya is a bit… of… a prick.”
“Hell yeah he is, but he is our prick of a friend who we love, and for once he will get a taste of his own medicine as we steal all the hot water tonight!” Komaru cheered as she gave Toko a side hug. She then stopped and looked up at the door. “And speaking of the devil, we have arrived at our lovely hygienic destination.”
Toko gulped a bit nervously, fiddling with her tie to distract herself. However, that quickly stopped when Komaru reached out and gently held Toko’s hand, giving her the reassuring look she needed to do this.
“Don’t worry Toko, I got you. No matter what love,” Komaru promised as she moved to kiss the back of Toko’s hand. Then she opened the door and held it out for Toko, gesturing her to enter. “After you, m’lady.”
Toko smiled a bit, still carrying this overwhelmingly numb feeling inside of her, but at least grateful that Komaru was her being her beautiful, lovely, sunshine self she is to help Toko during her darker times.
Spontaneously leaving her room had led to Toko forgetting a few things that would happen in the bathroom. When she entered the bathroom barefooted, she had felt the slivers of cold sensations from the marble tiled floor grapple at her feet, quickly shooting up and throughout Toko and eliciting a small shiver from her. She mentally cursed at herself for not bringing socks, but then again she would have taken them off a minute later anyways. Toko then remembered the state of mess she had fallen into after looking into the mirror and seeing the rats nest her hair turned into. Then there were her eyes, they were as lifeless as a living being could possibly have. Toko’s own state left her in a mild distraught as she was barely recognized in the mirror.
“Holy crap, I look like shit,” she muttered to herself, not knowing how to fully feel about the look. “How have you not dumped me yet?”
“Well, even at your worst, you are still beautiful in my eyes,” Komaru chimed in, trying to reassure Toko as she readied the bath.
“Komaru, I have more knots than a tangled fishing wire,” Toko said with a deadpan expression, playing with one of her wild fly away hairs.
“And you are still gorgeous!”
Toko sighed, giving up on caring about her image. It was no use debating it with Komaru, and thankfully it seemed like she still loved Toko. But still, a sense of dread washed over her once again as Toko remembered the horror this week has become and all Komaru has seen of her. It wasn’t pretty or nice like she deserved, Toko was filthy, smelly, moody, and emotionally a void in space, swallowing everything in its path. She felt a bit of despair looking at her hopeless state.
Not being able to look at it any more, Toko turned away to ignore her reflection in the mirror. When she saw what Komaru had prepared for her, she was pleasantly surprised.
Komaru had taken it upon herself to make this little trip to the bath extra special for the both of them. Toko was welcomed by a plethora of new, as well as calming, stimuli as she turned towards the bath. Gentle music graced her ears in an angelic harmony as Komaru had set up her phone to play one of Toko’s comfort playlists. Soft, golden lights and a gorgeous crimson surrounded the room in this delightful scent as sweet as honey as Komaru had brought a few candles into the room for a lovely dim lit aesthetic. Then there were the small rose petals that could tickle Toko’s skin, which were decorated around the scene to add a bit of romance and flavor to the situation, something Komaru would never pass on the chance to do. One of the many reasons Toko loves her is because of that.
None of what was listed or seen before was even Toko’s favorite part. No, that would have to be the rising, glistening, powder white soapy bubbles crowding together in the water, building and growing the more hot water was added to the tub. It was a glorious sight that made Toko feel a bit renewed just looking at it: a wondrous bubble bath. Toko was truly the luckiest woman in the world for having Komaru as a partner, after all, she remembered just how special a bubble bath was for her.
She had one once before when she was a kid, and it is one of the only few memories she has that was pleasant in her childhood. Hell, every other memory in the bathroom is a fucking nightmare filled with a mix of screaming and pain that she wished she had forgotten with the majority of her childhood, but the bubbles always had this soothing affect on Toko since she was a kid. Just seeing them was enough for Toko to fiddle with her hair and tap it together in a short stim, something she hadn’t done for days.
“Omaru, did you—“ Toko turned to her with an astounded expression, eyes twinkling with hope. “Did you do this all for me?”
Toko was answered with one of the widest, goofiest and dorkiest grins Komaru had ever given her, and a heavenly giggle that elicited from her as Toko felt her heart nearly explode from her chest upon hearing the sound.
“Surprise!” Komaru giggled some more, throwing up some jazz hands as she gestured to the scene. “Do you like it?”
“Li—Like it?… Komaru, just looking at it reminds me that I’m luckier than Makoto to have fallen in love with you,” Toko said, the heavy feeling inside of her beginning to dwindle just the slightest as she mustered up enough energy to give Komaru a small smile.
“Yes! Major success then!” Komaru cheered, giggling in a mix of exuberance, excitement and relief. “I’m the pro at taking care of my girlfriend.”
“Well, I wouldn’t say you’re a pro.”
“Hey! Don’t rain on my parade, Toki!”
“Okay, fine,” Toko said, elongating the ‘e’ until it turned into a playful groan. “You, um, get me pretty well I guess.”
“Woo! Hell yeah, lesbianism for the win!” Komaru cheered once more. “Anyways, time to strip.”
Toko blushed a bit as Komaru enjoined her to remove the clothes she has worn as a barrier for who knows how long. Her underwear have probably been on for a week, they at least smelled like they had. Thankfully all the other clothes were most likely changed yesterday when Jill fronted, but they were still wrinkled and had a small odor clenched to them.
Toko shuddered as she removed her shirt, the cold air clinging to her pinkish shoulders, sending a small chill down her spine. Then she stripped out of her skirt, allowing it to drop. She didn’t dare look at her knee, too afraid of the memories that might haunt her by the mere sight of her scars. Toko then recognized that her body had quickly grown numb to the cold. Great, another feeling she had lost. Finally she stripped her underwear and glasses off quickly, placing them down on the counter before turning around to see Komaru smiling, playing with a few of the bubbles formed in the bath.
“Come on in babes, the water’s a nice warmth, perfect for you.” Komaru ushered Toko over, gently grabbing her hand and helping her step into the tub.
Toko felt the breath leave her lungs as she shakily stepped into the tub, wobbly but still standing with the assist of Komaru. She was scared, felt the anxiety swirling inside of her once more. But Komaru’s grip reassured her that everything was okay. Thanks to her, Toko was able to sit down and comfortably place herself in the bath, watching bubbles drift around her while Komaru still carefully held onto her.
Toko loved the safe feeling she had with Komaru’s touch, still strong somewhat even during her spirals, but she couldn’t help but feel guilt once more as soon as she didn’t process the warmth of the water or the gentleness of the bubbles. She was reminded that she was numb, grasping onto Komaru for dear life to make it through this time. Like a burden. No. She is a burden.
That truth burned in her mind juxtaposing the numbness she felt in her body. Guilt stirred inside of her. It was always haunting Toko, like some creepy stalker, harassing her and making her life a nightmare. Guilt was obsessed with her, reminding her how she wasn’t good enough, how she was just overly reliant on Komaru, how Toko wouldn’t be anything without her. Guilt reminded Toko how she was trapped in a state of pitiful helplessness, dependent on Komaru for even the littlest things.
The sad part is, it’s true. Toko couldn’t even take a bath without her. It’s pathetic.
“Gr-great, this totally isn't embarrassing,” Toko sarcastically stuttered in a shaky voice.
Komaru tilted her head as she looked at Toko, easing her into the tub so she could lay down. “Why would it be? It’s not like this is the first time I saw you naked—“
“T—That’s not what I was talking about Omaru, you— you perverted bland boring girl who gets off on reading trashy half-assed manga!” Toko huffed.
“Hey!”
“S-sorry, I didn’t mean that, it’s just…” Toko paused before sighing. “It’s just embarrassing that I am so dependent on you, it’s probably annoying.”
Toko squeezed her eyes shut, painfully waiting for Komaru’s response to her pathetically honest explanation. She wasn’t sure what to expect, on one hand she expected Komaru to be disappointed or angry, on the other she also acknowledges that Komaru has the heart of an angel and would avoid hurting anyone at all cost. Still, her mind kept telling Toko that this was it, she fucked up one too many times and now everything is over.
What Toko hadn’t expected was the soft hands lightly rubbing small, soothing circles against her back. The light message almost tickled Toko, probably would have if she wasn’t so numb and out of tune with herself at the moment. Quietly, Toko turned to Komaru with a boggled expression, confusion swirling in her eyes like ice cream.
What Toko was met with would mean the world to her: a silent, knowing smile from Komaru that reassured her everything was okay. It was not a showcase of disappointment, nor was it a false promise too good to be true, just a silent acknowledgment with no judgment. Acception, trust, love, reassurance. All of these were things that Komaru had communicated with Toko with just a mere smile, no words whatsoever. It was something beautiful, something that began to touch Toko, even in her mildly dissociative and majorly depressed state.
Quietly, Toko began to take a few deep breaths in and out to calm herself down a bit. She went at her own pace, focusing her attention on the small sensation of Komaru’s soft skin gently encircling her shoulders. Finally, she smiled back at Komaru as a way to say thank you and let her know she felt better.
Komaru nodded happily, ending the massage. “Feeling better?”
“A-A bit.” Toko stuttered, relaxing in the tub and getting used to the metal structure.
“Good, now how about I shampoo your hair?” She offered.
“I hate shampooing my hair… b-but if it’s you Komaru, I guess I’ll live… probably.”
“I won’t let you down!” Komaru cheered, grabbing the bottle and squirting a massive glob of that shampoo crap into her hand.
They sat in silence for a few minutes, Komaru just happily scrubbing Toko’s hair thoroughly while Toko closes her eyes and immerses herself in the silence. It was peaceful until Komaru spoke up, breaking the silence with a knife drowned in tension.
“Toki, now that you are calm, would you mind if I talk to you about what you said earlier?” Komaru cautiously asked.
The question made Toko freeze. She felt anxiety swell inside of her, but tried to remain calm, at least on the outside.
“Y-yeah, sure thing,” Toko said. She at the very least owed Komaru this for all she has done for Toko.
“Okay, so I know things haven’t exactly been that ideal for you these past few days, to say the least. But Toko, I don’t want you to ever think that you should be embarrassed for relying on me a bit. Asking for help isn’t something you should feel guilty about or make you think less about yourself, especially not when it’s from someone who loves you,” Komaru explained in a serious tone as she continued to shampoo Toko’s hair.
Toko stayed silent, not knowing how to respond. So Komaru continued after waiting a good few seconds.
“I’m your girlfriend Toko, and I truly cannot express how genuinely happy you make me. I love you so much, and I want you to know that I mean all of you, both at your best and at your worst.” Komaru smiled.
“I don’t know why you put up with me, I don’t even like putting up with myself at my worst,” Toko muttered, causing Komaru to frown.
“I’m not putting up with you though Toko, what can’t you comprehend about that?”
“I just feel so— s-s—so guilty…” Toko groaned quietly. “It’s just, I’ve been so bitchy around you for so long now.”
“It’s been like a week. Also, you are going through a spiral, babes. I’m not expecting you to be sunshine and rainbows, and neither should you.” Komaru stressed this to Toko as she moved to pour some conditioner in her hand. “These things are challenging, what’s important is that you prioritize yourself and move towards what makes you happy.”
Toko couldn’t help but feel unsettled by this. “But what if by doing that… it makes you… you…”
“I?” Komaru asked, hoping to reel the confession out of Toko.
Toko took a deep breath in before releasing the thought that has been burdening her this whole time. “W-What if it makes you re-realize you can do better than me? M-Makes you leave me? Makes you hate me?” Toko paused as she felt Komaru’s hands stop scrubbing her head for a moment, causing Toko to mentally curse at herself. “I-I’m sorry Komaru, that thought just scares me more than anything else.”
Komaru stayed silent for a few seconds as she gathered her thoughts while conditioning Toko’s hair. She then paused for a second to lean forward and kiss the back of one of Toko’s shoulders.
“K-Komaru,” Toko stammered a bit, rather confused by the action.
“Toki, listen to me for a second,” Komaru said.
She gave Toko some pleading puppy dog eyes, and Toko nodded in less than a second in agreement. Damn those adorable puppy dog eyes.
“Okay, so, Toko, I want you to know that no matter what happens between us romantically, I want to always be in your life,” Komaru explained, flashing Toko a warm smile. “I’m in this relationship for the long haul, don’t get me wrong. But if for some god forsaken reason we broke up, I’ll still be here in your life as your friend. You are my best friend. You are important to me. Hell, you are important in general and I’ll fight anyone who argues against that.”
Komaru’s words contradict everything Toko’s mind was berating her about today. She didn’t fully believe what Komaru was saying, she couldn’t bring herself to. But still, just hearing this had made Toko’s mind a bit lighter as each piece of reassurance chipped away Toko’s pain and anxiety.
“I don’t know exactly what you are going through right now, nor am I going to sit here and pretend to. I don’t want to lie to you, Toko.” Komaru’s voice was soft yet powerful. She was honest and caring, just like how she always is. “That being said, I will always be here for you during these times. I know your childhood isn’t the easiest, and you are probably used to relying on yourself or Jill during these times, but you don’t have to go through this alone. You have me, Makoto, Kyoko, Aoi, Hiro, hell, even Byakuya! That twat my brother is dating would be here for you in minutes if you needed him. Because that’s what friends do, we help each other out when we fall, no matter how bumped and bruised we get.”
Toko couldn’t sit still while doing this anymore. She grabbed the soap bar and began to clean herself, hoping the sensory action would distract her from the confusing emotions slowly beginning to bumble inside of her.
“Basically, what I’m saying is, I’ll always be here for you, Toko. I don’t care if it takes some time, you could get better in a week, a month, hell, take a year if you need to and I wouldn’t bat an eye. I don’t care how long you take Toko. What you are going through is hard, and you can only heal and grow at your own pace. I get that, and I don’t want you to think you have to rush yourself because of me. What matters to me is that you get better within your comfort. I just want you to be happy. If cooking you a few meals, helping you bathe, and giving you time does that, then I’m more than happy to do it.” Komaru smiled softly as she carefully scrubbed the tips of Toko’s hair. “So please, don’t feel guilty. What you are going through is out of your control and you deserve to have people to depend on. That’s not something to feel guilty or ashamed about, that is something that says you are loved by others.”
Toko froze after hearing this.
She never thought about it like that before. She always felt so guilty, like she was actually the ultimate burden instead of the ultimate writing prodigy. She still felt that way, but hearing Komaru’s alternative interpretation, hearing that she believed it’s because Toko was loved , it was the small switch that caused Toko to hope again.
Leave it to a Naegi to make others find hope even during the most hopeless times in their life.
Toko didn’t care how stupid that sounded. She would say it again if it affirmed her love and trust for Komaru.
“Toko, I want you to know that I mean what I said, and I know you can overcome this. You are strong, and you might not see that now, but I hope you’ll see yourself as that one day when you are better. You are brave, smart, beautiful, and loved. I know it’s hard to see that cause life is a mess right now, but life is always going to be a fucking mess. Whether we are fighting a robotic despair bear army, or just having issues with our mental health, Toki. It’s messy. I know it’s messy. But you…” Komaru paused for a second.
When Toko turned around again, she was greeted with another glorious smile, shining like a diamond beauty and amplified by the care and love surrounding it. The sight made Toko’s heart skip a beat.
“Well, Toko, you make life a beautiful mess for me,” Komaru simply said.
Toko didn’t know how to respond.
No, that wasn’t it. To phrase it better: Toko couldn’t respond. Hearing that, those words she so desperately needed to hear for years, was mind numbing on a whole nother level. What’s more, it was from the person who she loved and trusted the most in the world during a hard time.
It was all so much for her. Her depression was still there, but for a moment Toko could only feel tingly as her mind began to fixate on what Komaru said, about how she was loved. It was like Toko’s insides turned into a yin and yang symbol. Anxiety and despair crashing with her depression as for the first time in days hope and love began to awaken, tingling inside of her with an excited jitter.
What was amazing was it didn’t stop there. Slowly, Toko began to gently recognize the stimuli around her again.
First it was the lukewarm water, which was probably warmer before, but Toko didn’t really mind, it was relieving to feel nonetheless. Then there was the mix of strawberry and rose scents Toko recognized from the shampoo and candles. The bubbles were quite enjoyable as well, both soft and fragile in texture, and the sight was a glistening white appearance in a gorgeous light that made Toko admire them even more as they floated around her. Toko’s favorite one, though, had to be the soft feeling of Komaru’s fingers lightly rubbing against her scalp. It was a soothing feeling that made Toko think again. It made Toko feel again.
Feel. Toko could feel again. While she still had some guilt and pain weighing over her, being with Komaru and having someone to depend on was slowly washing away all the pain. It was numbing. It was puzzling. It was beautiful. It was Toko beginning to remember that she was loved.
Then Toko felt it: hot water slowly sliding down her cheeks. The warmth and salt in the liquid stinging her skin mildly as her vision became slightly blurry: Toko was crying.
And you know what? For the first time in days, it was a cathartic cry as Toko’s body was mesmerized by this confusion of feelings and thoughts. It was both scary and beautiful as Toko relaxed in the water, washing out all the soaps and suds in her hair as she looked up at Komaru.
She was still there, smiling with that dorky grin that Toko adored.
“Thank you,” Toko mumbled before closing her eyes and immersing herself in the sensations around her.
She didn’t need Komaru to respond, nor did she need to even open her eyes to know that Komaru was happily watching over her. Toko just knew.
Komaru was easy like that. Things might not be straightforward, neither of them are straight after all. But in all seriousness, at the end of the day it was easy. They loved each other and trusted each other.
Reminding herself that and pushing away whatever remaining pointless guilt she felt, Toko was able to enjoy the rest of her bath with her girlfriend.
It’s safe to say that Toko now has another fond memory of the bath that she will now cherish.
Things were not easy for Toko. Even after all that talking and feeling in the bath, Toko still had this heavy weight pressing on her shoulders. Granted, it had lightened thanks to Komaru’s help, but it was going to take a bit more time to fully overcome this depressive swing.
The difference now is that Toko was a bit more confident in asking for help. She felt like shit, sure, but she wasn’t going to bottle it up. Maybe it will be painful, and embarrassing, and scary. Toko knew the possibilities, and she knew it would take time.
It did upset her a bit. However, knowing Komaru was by her side no matter what made her feel a lot better. Even if they end up turning into just friends, they’ll always be there for each other, and that love and loyalty made things a little bit easier for Toko.
Depression is rough. It doesn’t get magically cured just because you have a lover like it does in the movies and what not. Toko was well aware of that and was annoyed by it at the same time.
However, she is relieved in some weird way that’s the case. Because at the end of the day, deep down inside she wants to believe all the things Komaru had said, she wants to overcome this and become someone stronger and better for Komaru.
No. For herself.
It’s painful, it will always be painful. And it’s going to take some time. But now Toko knows for sure she doesn’t have to handle it all alone, and that’s what truly mattered to her: that Komaru had her back, and that she had Komaru’s back in return.
It didn’t matter how challenging or upsetting the issue was, nor did it matter if it would take years to overcome. They would always be there for each other to help wash the other’s pain away.
And that relationship they share? Well that was beautiful.
Beautiful enough to make Toko smile for herself for once.