Chapter Text
EXT - METROVILLE - NIGHT
A figure emerges in the dark, swinging across the skyline of METROVILLE. The SPIDERMAN MASK is the only thing visible in the low gleam of the city.
Record scratch. Freeze Frame.
RANBOO (V.O.)
That’s me. You may be wondering how I got here. Well, me too buddy!
RANBOO’S THEME starts playing.
CUT TO:
INT - A MESSY ROOM IN AN APARTMENT - DAY
RANBOO stands in the middle of it, wearing the SPIDERMAN SUIT WITHOUT THE MASK.
CLOSE UP on RANBOO. He LOOKS INTO CAMERA.
RANBOO
My name’s Ranboo—-(Pulls mask over face)
MUSIC cuts out. RANBOO walks to the side of the room, the camera tracking his movement. He puts a hand on the window handle and glances back at the camera.
RANBOO
And I’m Spiderman.
RANBOO’S THEME resumes.
CUT TO:
EXT - A WINDOW OUTSIDE RANBOO'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
RANBOO shoots a web onto a building, and swings out of frame.
CUT TO:
EXT - TOP OF BUILDING - CONTINUOUS
WIDE SHOT of RANBOO as he comes into the frame.
RANBOO
Now. Let me teach you the 7 rules of how to be Spiderman. The first one—-
A SCREAM can be heard offscreen. RANBOO turns his head to the right, towards the sound.
CIVILIAN #1
—-AAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!--
GUNSHOTS are heard. RANBOO turns back to the camera.
RANBOO
—-Is that your job is to help the people.
RANBOO turns around and swings off of the roof. Camera follows SPIDERMAN as he swings downward to the streets of METROVILLE.
EXT - NEARBY GROCERY STORY - CONTINUOUS
RANBOO swings into frame, and sticks himself onto a wall near the store’s door. He peers into the glass door, seeing what is happening inside.
CLOSE UP on RANBOO’S face from inside the STORE through the glass. The eyes of the SPIDERMAN MASK squint.
ROBBER #1
(voice muffled through the glass)
Give us all the money or we’ll shoot!
STORE OWNER
(voice muffled through the glass)
No, please! It’s all my life savings!
CLOSE UP on the side of RANBOO’S head outside the STORE as he gets ready to enter it. He turns to the camera.
RANBOO
Jeez, why don’t they give ruining people’s lives a rest some days?
WIDE SHOT of RANBOO.
RANBOO opens the door nonchalantly and walks into the store.
INT - STORE - CONTINUOUS
WIDE SHOT as SPIDERMAN walks in. The store bell attached to the door rings. ROBBER #1, STORE OWNER, ROBBER #2 and CIVILIAN #1 all pause as SPIDERMAN walks into the store.
RANBOO
(casually)
Hey guys, what’s up?
CIVILIAN #1
(relieved)
Spiderm—-
ROBBER #2 claps his hand over CIVILIAN #1’s mouth. She is being held hostage. Camera PANS to ROBBER #1 as he raises his GUN at RANBOO. RANBOO comically raises his hands in surrender.
RANBOO
Woah, I’m just shoppin’! No need to get all
(wiggles fingers)
feisty about it!
ROBBER #1
(spitting)
Listen here, spider fucker. We need the money. So, do us all a favor. Get out of here, and I won’t shoot.
RANBOO leans forward a little, readying his hands.
RANBOO
Sorry, no can do!
RANBOO shoots a web on an aisle and leaps onto ROBBER #2, freeing CIVILIAN #1. CIVILIAN #1 runs out of the door, screaming. ROBBER #1 shoots the wall where RANBOO just was.
RANBOO’S THEME plays softly in the background as some loose string from the web hits an old jukebox.
RANBOO
(sarcastically)
Nice shot, man!
ROBBER #1
Fuck you!
ROBBER #1 fires again, and RANBOO launches himself towards him and ROBBER #2. He knocks the gun out of ROBBER #1’s hands, and uses it to knock ROBBER #2 unconscious. RANBOO turns to face ROBBER #1, who raises his hands.
CUT TO:
INT - STORE - LATER
ROBBER #1 and ROBBER #2 are tied up on the floor. RANBOO is facing the STORE OWNER, both are standing behind the counter. The two are in the foreground while the ROBBERS are out of focus but in the background.
STORE OWNER
Thank you so much, Spiderman!
RANBOO
Hey, it’s no problem. You’ll be okay with these guys until the police arrive?
STORE OWNER
Yes, yes… you have no idea what you just did, sir. It’s been hard, hard times for my family, with the amount of robberies happening recently… Really, man, thank you.
RANBOO
(sheepish)
Hey, genuinely, it’s no problem. I’m gonna head off now. Have a great rest of your day!
Camera follows RANBOO as he walks towards the door, and pauses as he holds the door handle, clutching his heart. He looks INTO THE CAMERA.
RANBOO
Told you it was about the people.
CUT TO:
EXT - COFFEE SHOP - LATER
MID SHOT of one of the tables, RANBOO is sitting. He is wearing the FULL SPIDERMAN COSTUME with his MASK slightly up and is sipping coffee from a mug with cats on it.
Camera changes to in front of RANBOO, on the table. Almost right across from him.
RANBOO
(speaking into the mug)
The second rule of being Spiderman is that there’s nothing like some coffee after you’ve almost felt the cold breeze of death.
RANBOO sips some coffee. He sets down the mug and gives a thumbs-up towards the camera. The camera lingers for a second on a small smile before he pulls down the MASK.
CUT TO:
EXT - ALLEYWAY - DAY
The camera is a CLOSE UP on RANBOO, who is leaning against a building and clutching his stomach. A KNIFE protrudes from the wound.
RANBOO
(labored)
The third rule of being Spiderman is that the cold breeze of death could come by at any moment.
RANBOO groans.
RANBOO (Cont’d)
(pouting)
After I’d just had my narrow-escape coffee, too…
RANBOO sighs. He pulls the KNIFE out of the wound gingerly, and stands up, letting the metal clatter as he drops it on the ground. It is clearly a SHALLOW WOUND.
He begins limping out of the alleyway, but stops to begin adjusting his pants. He makes a face, and turns to the camera.
RANBOO
(holding up his hand to show the number FOUR. His WHITE GLOVE is covered in BLOOD)
This brings me to rule four. Use baby cream. Chafing is a bigger enemy than literally anything else you will meet.
RANBOO comes closer to the camera.
RANBOO (CONT’D)
And unfortunately, I am not joking.
CUT TO:
EXT - FLASHBACK - AN APARTMENT’S TERRACE - DAY
RANBOO is fighting a LIZARD PERSON. He throws a punch, and pushes them off the terrace. RANBOO begins to walk away, but gets affected by the chafing around his crotch. He missteps, and falls off the building, screaming. The camera stays on the terrace for a second, before a familiar TWHOOP is heard for a second after the screaming fades.
CUT TO:
EXT - ALLEYWAY - DAY
RANBOO is still close to the camera.
RANBOO
(whispers)
Not joking… at all. (regular voice) In fact, rule five. Chafing? Seriously sucks.
He backs away from the camera, and turns, beginning to walk out of the ALLEYWAY. His movement is STILTED—whether this is from the chafing or the knife wound is unclear.
EXT - WAREHOUSE - DAY
A WIDE SHOT of a warehouse roof. RANBOO is clung to it, and is peering in through a roof. There is a BANDAGE on his side, but nothing else to suggest the wound is anything too bad. A CLOSE UP of RANBOO’S view in the warehouse, of two figures. DRUG DEALER and CUSTOMER #1 stand in the dim light of the warehouse.
DRUG DEALER
Hey, you got the dough?
CUSTOMER
‘Course, man, when have I ever failed to pay? You have the highest grade cocaine on the market!
RANBOO jumps in, and shoots webs at both of them, trapping them against the walls with two dull thuds as they slam against the walls.
RANBOO
Hey, guys? Anything important happening today? No? Great!
RANBOO takes DRUG DEALER’s gun, and breaks it using his SUPER STRENGTH. RANBOO throws the pieces on the ground, and turns towards the door of the warehouse.
A MID SHOT of RANBOO. The DRUG DEALER and CUSTOMER #1 are still in the background of the frame, quietly struggling against the webs.
RANBOO
That was me showing you the 6th rule of Spidermanning. Always throw them off their rhythm.
RANBOO walks off screen. The camera lingers, still watching the two in the back struggle for a second. Then RANBOO walks back on screen, like he’s backtracking.
RANBOO (Cont’d)
And that was not a John Mulaney reference, so stop saying it is! God!
RANBOO walks off screen.
FADE OUT: on the warehouse
FADE IN:
EXT - WINDOW OUTSIDE RANBOO'S APARTMENT - DAY
RANBOO clings to the side of the building, one hand on the window’s handle. MUSIC stops.
RANBOO
And that brings us to the last rule of being Spiderman.
CLOSE UP on RANBOO’s hand. He opens the window slowly. The sounds of the CITY behind him diminish, like he’s revealing a massive secret.
RANBOO (Cont’d)
Never, ever let anyone know that you are spiderman.
INT - INSIDE THE APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
RANBOO climbs into the apartment. TUBBO is sitting in a gaming chair, typing something on a PC. The window clicks behind him loudly, alerting TUBBO to his presence. The TENSION builds as TUBBO notices SPIDERMAN behind him.
TUBBO
(raising hand) Hey Ranboo!
RANBOO
Hey Tubbo!
CLOSE UP on RANBOO. The sounds of the BUSY CITY resume, like everything has gone back to normal.
RANBOO
Except for Tubbo, of course. Why? Well, it- it’s Tubbo!
WIDE SHOT of TUBBO'S ROOM. It shows various GADGETS and ITEMS strewn about on the floor, alongside DRAWINGS and CLOTHES.
TUBBO
(not looking up from his PC)
Who’re you talking to?
RANBOO takes off his MASK, tossing it on TUBBO’s bed.
RANBOO
No one. Where’s Tommy?
TUBBO
(gesturing) Oh, he’s across the hall bothering Wilbur and Techno.
RANBOO
Oh, okay!
RANBOO sits down on TUBBO’s bed. TUBBO stops typing and turns to him.
TUBBO
Did you turn off your comms again?
RANBOO checks the comms on his mask. The light is blinking red.
RANBOO
(sheepishly)
Well… maybe?
TUBBO sighs, turning his chair around completely to face RANBOO. A MID SHOT shows them both on different sides of the frame, BLANK in the MIDDLE on the wall behind them.
TUBBO
(exasperated)
For—- Okay, whatever. So, I found footage of that drug empire. They’re gonna have a meeting at the Warehouse on the 7th. That’s a Thursday.
RANBOO
What time? I think I have a shift at 5—-
TUBBO
—-It’s at 2 am.
RANBOO
Shoot.
TUBBO
Yeah.
TUBBO gets out of his chair, and moves towards the closet as the camera follows him.
TUBBO (CONT’D)
But, I did manage to improve the backup web-shooters while you were out putting yourself in danger.
TUBBO opens the cabinet and pulls out a pair of web-shooters. RANBOO sits up.
RANBOO
Oh, cool!
RANBOO removes the web-shooters currently on his wrist, and TUBBO attaches the new ones. RANBOO moves to shoot webs, but TUBBO catches his wrists, making direct eye contact.
CLOSE UP on TUBBO.
TUBBO
(threatening)
If you get webs all over my bed again, I will release the bees.
RANBOO
(scared, whispering)
What does that even mean?
A beat passes. TUBBO breaks eye contact by turning around.
TUBBO
(cheerfully)
Anyway, let’s test ‘em, bossman!
RANBOO
(still scared, recovering)
<
Sure, man!
EXT - MONTAGE - TERRACE OF RANBOO'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
THRILLS by SPACEY JANE begins playing.
QUICK SHOTS of CLOSE UPs of RANBOO practicing using the web-shooters set to the beats of the song. They fail to shoot multiple times. RANBOO then takes them off, points them towards himself when they work unprecedentedly and he’s thrown off screen by the sheer force of the web-shooters. TUBBO is the only one in the frame, laughing uncontrollably.
MID SHOTS of TUBBO fiddling with the web-shooter’s on RANBOO’s wrists, interspersed with RANBOO trying them. They work better each time. RANBOO tries for the 3rd time, and this time they work perfectly. RANBOO and TUBBO high-five.
The song ends.
FADE OUT:
INT - THEIR APARTMENT'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING
WIDE SHOT of LIVING ROOM. RANBOO is on the floor, flat on his back, while TUBBO is sprawled haphazardly on the couch. Sounds of the city can be heard.
TUBBO
(tired but happy)
That was brilliant.
RANBOO
(jokingly angry)
For you, maybe! I nearly got thrown off the building twice!
TUBBO
(waving hands dismissively)
Yeah, yeah. At least the shooters work.
RANBOO
True, true.
Silence settles over them for a moment.
TUBBO
Hey, who’s turn is it to—-
TOMMY bursts through the door.
TOMMY
(yelling)
—-Men, I am back from Wilbur’s—-
RANBOO waves, not bothering to speak.
TUBBO
As I was saying—- who’s turn is it to cook?
RANBOO
Well, I cooked the day before, and you cooked yesterday, so…
TUBBO and RANBOO turn to TOMMY expectantly, who begins backing up towards the door.
TOMMY
…Men, I am no longer back from Wilbur’s—-
TUBBO
(threatening)
(getting up) Tommy…
—-TOMMY breaks into a sprint, and Tubbo follows—-
TUBBO
(yelling)
—-Tommy get the fuck back here!
TOMMY and TUBBO sprint out the door, leaving RANBOO alone.
CLOSE UP of RANBOO. He looks INTO THE CAMERA.
RANBOO
(grinning) So, that’s the rules of being Spiderman! Exciting, right?
(beat)
(stops grinning, resigned) …I’m gonna have to cook again tonight.
RANBOO sighs, and moves towards the kitchen.
CUT TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS and END THEME.