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The trial was about to start. The Straw Hat Pirates were sitting on one side of the deck, murmuring (Sanji and Zoro were bickering at each other as always). Usopp was in the middle, sitting in front of a table, and checking the piece of paper he held in his hands.
“Silence! Judge asks for silence in court,” Usopp yelled, banging on the table with his wooden hammer. The noise died down, except for the swordsman and the cook who were still shouting at each other.
“Stupid Eyebrows!”
“Damn Mosshead!”
“SHUT UP YOU TWO!” Nami yelled, punching both men in the head and restoring order.
“Thanks Nami,” Usopp said. “Now, I call the defendant to the stand.”
Nico Robin appeared from the galley door, with handcuffed wrists and a confident smile. She walked calmly towards the single chair placed in the middle of the deck, facing the table Usopp was occupying, and took a sit, crossing her legs.
Usopp cleared his throat, nervous.
“Don’t cough so hard. You might damage your vocal chords irreparably and choke in your own blood. That would be an unpleasant death if you ask me,” Robin said smirking.
“Defendant, do not speak without being given the floor. Also, that’s disgusting, Robin,” Usopp said.
The woman limited herself to lift her handcuffed hands in apology.
“Now…” Usopp continued, “we are gathered here to try the defendant, Nico Robin, who has been indicted on several charges by her crewmates.”
The audience booed, Luffy the loudest of all.
“Nico Robin, Devil Child of Ohara, Light of the Revolution, Archaeologist of the Straw Hat Pirates, do you promise to speak the truth, and nothing but the truth in the instance that summons us today?” the sniper said solemn.
“I do,” Robin answered.
“Then I’ll proceed to read the charges. For each one, you will be granted a right of reply, since you have decided to be your own attorney. Likewise, the plaintiff may speak only once in response. Do I make myself clear?”
“But of course, your honor.”
“Good. First of all, you are accused by our navigator, Cat Bulgar Nami, of having cheated in a poker game two days ago. The plaintiff claims that she lost one thousand berries in that game, and asks for a financial compensation of three times that value. What do you have to say about this, defendant?” Usopp asked, fully embracing his role now.
“Miss Navigator is being deliberately dishonest, your honor. It is true that I cheated in the game you allude to; however, so did the plaintiff. I am sure Cook-san can attest to that, since he was the one who spied for her on the cards of the other players,” Robin replied calmly.
“How did you know that?! You were using your powers!” Nami shouted.
“Ah, Robin-chan is so smart!” Sanji said.
“Is that true, Nami?” Usopp asked.
“Well…yeah, but that’s outside the point!” Nami admitted.
The hammer banged again.
“The judge calls the courtroom to order!” Usopp said. “The plaintiff's accusation is annulled because it is untruthful.”
“Usopp!” Nami glared at him.
“Calm down, sis,” Franky interrupted. “You lost this one. Just accept it.”
“Fine…”
“Our second plaintiff, Tony Tony Chopper, claims that two weeks ago, you disregarded his instructions, and got out of bed before you were medically discharged. How do you plead, defendant?”
“Innocent, your honor,” Robin stated. “My real body never left the infirmary. I sent my clone to grab a book from the library,” Robin answered nonchalantly.
“Rest means you can’t use your powers, Robin!” Chopper said.
“That was not clarified beforehand, Doctor-san,” Robin replied.
“That’s not fair…” Chopper said, pouting.
“Your honor, I can offer the plaintiff a cotton candy as compensation, if he so desires.” Robin couldn’t help but offer, seeing the betrayal in Chopper’s face.
“Plaintiff, do you accept the compensation?” Usopp asked.
“Really, Robin? You’ll give me a cotton candy? Then it’s fine by me,” Chopper replied, clearly happy about how things turned out.
“Oi, is that legal?” Zoro asked.
“If there’s an agreement between the parts involved, it is,” Usopp answered. “Moving onto the third accusation now…” he then said while reviewing his notes, “Cyborg Franky is accusing you of ‘damaging his manhood’ yesterday, and ask for an apology from the Devil’s Child.”
“Your honor, I am afraid I don’t owe an apology to Cyborg Franky. You yourself witnessed the moment when I made it clear that I did not want to be asked for docking ever again, for it would hurt my human pride. Our Shipwright overstepped a personal boundary by doing so, and I reacted accordingly. You can say it was self-defense,” Robin claimed, a threatening look in her eyes.
Everyone in the room gulped loudly, and Franky was pale.
“Your honor, I withdraw the charges against Nico Robin,” he finally said.
“Charges dismissed, then” the sniper sentenced. “The Straw Hats musician, Soul King Brook, claims that you didn’t let him see you panties…seriously Brook?”
“Yohohoho, I was deeply disappointed, Jugde-san,” Brook explained. Everyone in the room except Robin face-palmed.
“Yeah, we’ll omit that one,” Usopp muttered.
“Oi! When will it be my turn?” Luffy shouted.
“Right…Our Captain, Monkey D. Luffy, accuses the defendant of eating his meat, and considers it an act worthy of the devil. What can you say in your favor?” Usopp said while directing Robin a stern look.
“Judge-san, we both know you were the one who committed that hideous crime,” Robin said with a sly smile.
“Is that true, Usopp? How dare you do something so evil!” Luffy said.
“I’m sorry, okay? I mean… I didn’t do such a thing,” Usopp answered nervously.
“You just confessed your crime, so I believe I shall be judged as innocent,” Robin replied, confident.
“Fine, fine. I’ll give you my meat today, Luffy, okay?”
“Okay”. The captain nodded, already forgetting his feelings about the ’stolen meat’ incident.
“And finally… our last plaintiff, Pirate Hunter Roronoa Zoro suspects that the defendant was the one who adorned his hair with flowers and put a flowerpot cap on him while he slept. Black Leg Sanji joins the lawsuit, claiming that witnessing the event was a traumatic experience.”
“I didn’t know the defendant was Robin-chan! Withdraw the charges!” Sanji said.
“Shut up, Love-Cook, I’m the plaintiff, and I want the Devil Woman to pay!” Zoro bit back.
“Watch your manners, Mosshead! Robin-chan is innocent!” Sanji insisted.
“Silence! Silence!” Usopp called. “Nico Robin, how do you plead?”
“Guilty, your honor. I did put the flowers and the cap on Swordsman’s head just because I found it amusing,” Robin admitted confidently. “I am prepared to receive the full weight of the law for it.”
“I knew it!” Zoro said, the irritation clear in his face.
“Very well then,” Usopp stood up. “Demon Child Nico Robin, on charges of adorning the hair of our swordsman, plaintiff Roronoa Zoro, you are sentenced to replace him on the night watch for one week. Case closed!”
The hammer banged one last time, ending the trial, and sealing the archaeologist’s fate.