Chapter Text
Natsuki hated going to church. It was really as simple as that.
She used to not mind going. Not when it was her and Mama and Papa together, and they could have a fun breakfast after the morning service. Natsuki never paid attention during the morning service, of course, but at least she could spend some fun time with Mama and Papa afterwards.
Service was never fun, but Natsuki used to like spending time with Mama and Papa afterwards, so she would be a good little… kid. She would let Mama dress her up all nice, would hold Papa’s hand on their way into the church, and would sit nice and quiet between Mama and Papa in the pew, hands folded in her lap. And then, when it was over, Natsuki would smile and feel the morning sun on her face and know she was in for a treat when she got home for being such a well behaved kid.
And then Mama left.
And then Natsuki realized she was a girl.
And then Papa started hitting her.
And for some reason, Papa still dragged Natsuki to church, except now there was no Mama, and they went in the evening, and Natsuki had to wear jackets and jeans to hide the bruises.
So yeah, Natsuki hated going to church. Didn’t get any more complicated than that.
Natsuki scribbled in her notebook, lips pursed and tongue stuck out ever so slightly as she wrote. She was trying to cobble together a new cupcake recipe, based on a couple of articles that she’d read about improving her frosting. She could never get the ratio of sugar quite right. It always tasted good, but never, like, as good as she knew it could.
She glared at the screen of her laptop, trying to figure out what random online idiot to trust, when–
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Natsuki jumped in her chair, heart rate spiking. She broke out into a sweat, head snapping to the door and only finding some minor solace when she saw that the lock was set.
“Naruki!” Papa snapped, using that name again. The one Natsuki hated, “Downstairs in five minutes!”
“What for?!” Natsuki snapped back, grip tightening on her pencil. She knew shouting back was wrong, knew it was only priming her for a beating, but she couldn’t help it. Not when he said that name.
“What the hell do you mean ‘what for?!” Papa replied, banging on her door again, “We’re leaving for church in five minutes! Be downstairs in five, and do it without anything disgusting on, or so help me God.”
And then he was stomping away, footsteps echoing down the hall. Natsuki sneered at the door, even though she knew she shouldn’t. It had taken so many hits for her, after all. And what was Papa getting his ass in a twist for? Suddenly she couldn’t wear anything she wanted to church, huh? And him swearing at her like that made her blood boil.
What ever happened to not taking the Lord’s name in vain, Papa?
Still, while Natsuki wanted to cuss Papa out and lock herself in her room until he drank himself to sleep, she wanted her ass whooped even less, so she put on a pair of jeans that hid her legs and a jacket that hid the nasty purple yellow welt festering on her arm from where Papa grabbed her too hard on purpose and headed downstairs.
Natsuki struggled to stay awake. Church was always boring, but she knew that sleeping here meant trouble. Primarily because if Papa couldn’t let out his anger immediately, it got ten times worse when he did get his hands on her. So she pinched herself and bit her tongue and raked her nails across her palms and even stuck her thumb under her jacket and jabbed at the bruise on her arm.
That one hurt.
As per usual, Natsuki’s diligence was punished.
“And for our final announcement,” The priest up front began, prompting Natsuki to turn her head just enough away from Papa that she could roll her eyes, “Due to some need for renovations, masses meeting at this time will be postponed until further notice.”
Suddenly, Natsuki began paying attention.
“Apologies to all of our evening attendees, but exterior renovations will be happening in the late afternoons and evenings on the following days…”
Natsuki tuned the stupid guy out. This was good! If God was finally looking out for her, then Natsuki would have laughed at the irony. Instead, she simply sat up a bit straighter, mouth curving up into a smile. No church at this time meant no church for a while! Any week where Natsuki didn’t attend mass was a better week than normal. And with Papa’s schedule, Natsuki foresaw quite a few better weeks in her future.
As they exited the church, the sky was purple and blue, thick clouds blocking out most of the setting sun. It was dark, evening dark, and Natsuki still craned her neck as she and Papa walked down the sidewalk outside the church. She wanted to see the shit they were doing. Maybe, if she was lucky, it would be something big that would cause a problem, and they’d shut down the church for a month or two.
Natsuki fantasized about sabotaging the renovations all the way to the car.
Papa moved towards the driver’s seat, and Natsuki went to her typical place of the seat directly behind it. It was the hardest for Papa to reach while he was driving, after all. However, as her hand landed on the handle, Papa turned to her with a frown on his face.
“Up front,” He commanded.
Natsuki felt a tremble in her shoulders, and the bruise on her arm ached. She figured she wasn’t in trouble or anything, since Papa wouldn’t be keeping his hands to himself if he was mad. Didn’t change the fact that Natsuki hated sitting up front. Still, she complied.
Papa buckled himself in. Natsuki left hers unbuckled maybe the car would crash!, until Papa glanced in her direction, and she pretended to simply be looking for something, after which she clicked her buckle shut. She hated being buckled up in the front.
As Papa turned the car on and began backing out, he spoke to her, “Did you hear the announcement? The one about the renovations.”
Despite herself, Natsuki let her giddiness rise up just a bit. She turned her head so Papa couldn’t see her lips quirk up into a smile, “Yeah,” She said, keeping her voice even.
“Good,” He said, “Because we’re going to start going in the mornings again.”
Natsuki’s blood ran cold.
“What?!” She asked turning to look at him, eyes wide.
She was rewarded with a fist to her shoulder.
“Quiet!” Papa snapped, putting his hand back on the wheel. Natsuki leaned to the side, pressing herself up against the car door, and curled up as much as she could without putting her shoes on the seat. Smaller target. Papa continued, keeping his eyes on the road, “We’re going to go to church on Sunday mornings again. I was going to start at the end of the month, but we might as well start now.” And that was where he ended.
When Natsuki got home that night, she cursed God through gritted teeth and teary eyes as she held a frozen bottle of water to her shoulder.
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Natsuki cracked her eyes open, glowering at the sun streaming in through her window. God, it had to be like… seven in the morning, maybe earlier. Why the hell was he banging on her door like that?
“Naruki!” Papa yelled, slamming his fist against the door again, “Get your ass up now!”
“I’m up!” Natsuki shouted, wincing as she put too much pressure on her left shoulder as she sat up. “What is it?!”
“It’s Sunday!” Papa replied, “We’re going to church! Downstairs, now!”
Oh right. Natsuki felt her face drop into a scowl. They were doing this now. She’d almost had the pleasure of forgetting. Couldn’t have that, now could they?
At least they were in the same pew. Somehow, Natsuki could at least find comfort in the fact that the same shitty pew had her stupid butt imprinted into the cushion. She wanted to take a pen to this thing and really do some damage, punch a few holes and write a few dirty words, but she’d get something far worse than an errant whack for that, and Natsuki could only hide something like that from the people at school for so long.
Not like they cared about her either, but still.
Morning mass was like evening mass, except people seemed to care a bit more. There were a few more people, and almost everybody seemed to be dressed better than her and Papa though Natsuki wasn’t sure Papa cared, and she sure as hell didn’t. Natsuki was almost impressed at how things seemed a bit livelier this early in the morning.
They even had an organ player! Nobody played the organ at evening mass.
Natsuki suppressed a glower. This fucking sucked. Not only was staying awake this early in the morning a greater struggle than before, but now Natsuki was gonna feel like shit all day too. This was just fucking perfect. Her eyes drifted to the side as one of the stupid songs ended, glancing over to the organ, far in the back, where nobody except its player would be.
Natsuki felt her body go rigid.
There, getting up from behind the organ, was the prettiest girl Natsuki had ever seen.
Her hair was long, and a regal coral brown, tied up into a perfect ponytail with a pristine white bow. Her hair flowed downwards, rolling over confident shoulders and even down past a slender waist. Her back was straight, upright and confident as she strode away from the organ. Even at this distance, her skin looked beautiful, and the way she walked made Natsuki feel like a fucking feral animal.
And then she was gone, disappearing to God knows where.
Natsuki scowled and slouched down in the pew. Great. So she got to wake up early for no reason, was going to be tired all day, and now she felt shit about how she looked too. Thanks, God. Even more reason to taunt Natsuki, huh? Awesome.
She remained there, sinking slightly lower and lower with every passing minute, until finally, finally, the guy up front said something that prompted everybody to stand. Natsuki had never caught on to what it was exactly, but learned the motions anyways. She stood there, parroting dumb signs and moving her mouth without saying the words, while the service finished up.
And then when the hour long mass was finally, finally over, and it was finally time to leave, Natsuki plodded ahead of Papa, who seemed to be dragging his feet. Natsuki barely noticed, because she was too busy thinking about how possible it was to get a few extra hours of sleep, that she barely noticed until Papa put his hand on her shoulder.
It was just a light touch, but Natsuki still went rigid and stopped dead in her tracks. Her muscles tensed and braced, and Natsuki’s blood went cold. Papa almost never hit her in public.
“Naruki,” Papa said, in his tone that said that she wasn’t in trouble yet, “We’re not leaving yet. Follow me.”
Natsuki opened her mouth to reply, nearly getting whiplash from how quickly her veins went from frozen to boiling, but instead opted to shut her mouth, “Okay,” She said simply, stuffing her hands into her pockets and following after Papa.
Papa took her through some of the hallways, off to the side, where she used to attend Sunday School. Natsuki hated Sunday School. More school was never a good thing, at least when she was young enough to attend Sunday School. Natsuki couldn’t help but wonder what the hell Papa was doing over here. Hopefully it would be quick, and then they could go home.
Natsuki wanted to laugh, thinking that home was better than anywhere in the world. But look at her now.
The mental smile was quickly wiped off her stupid imaginary face as they turned the corner, however. There was one of the church staff members Natsuki vaguely remembered his stupid face from Sunday School, talking to… the organ girl.
Now up close, Natsuki could see her beautiful eyes, emerald green and attentive. Her back was straightened, opposite Natsuki’s hunched stance, and her clothes were clean, pressed, and fancy. The perfect little church going girl. And then there was Natsuki.
The organ girl turned as they rounded the corner. Her eyes flicked over at Papa for the briefest of seconds before they snapped over to Natsuki. She smiled, raised a hand, and twiddled her fingers.
Natsuki blinked at the non-verbal address. What the hell was a pretty girl doing waving at her? Natsuki set her face into a scowl and turned away.
Which turned out to be a mistake, as Papa walked straight up to the staff guy and started talking to him in that half-quiet tone that indicated to Natsuki that he was talking about her, and didn’t want her to hear. Natsuki had a bad feeling about this. She stopped where she was in the junction, giving Papa the space he needed to bad mouth her, or whatever he was doing, and simply putting her back up against the wall so she didn’t have to look in Papa’s direction without meaning to.
She just wanted to not be at church anymore.
“Um, hello.”
Natsuki went rigid, head whipping to the side. There stood the organ girl, having approached without Natsuki noticing. She had a confused look to her, eyebrows raised slightly as she stared at Natsuki with those stupid, beautiful eyes.
“…what?” Natsuki asked. She couldn’t do this right now.
The organ girl looked a little more confused, clasping her hands in front of her and turning her head slightly, looking past Natsuki. Still, she kept that tone to her voice that said she was trying to be friendly, which was annoying, “Um… it’s ‘Naruki’, right?”
“No,” Natsuki snapped without thinking. The organ girl blinked in surprise, and Natsuki moved to do damage control, “No. It’s ‘Natsuki’. Not…” She couldn’t even bring herself to say it, “Not that.”
“Oh,” The organ girl furrowed her brow, “Sorry, I just thought I heard your… father? Your father say that was your name.”
“You misheard,” Natsuki replied. She stuffed her hands further into her pockets, hunched her shoulders, and slouched a bit more. Go away.
The organ girl was quiet for a moment, “S… sorry,” She said, “Um… my name’s Monika.”
“Cool,” Natsuki said.
“Um,” ‘Monika’ paused again, before trying to continue the stupid conversation that Natsuki was trying very hard to let her know she didn’t want to have, without blowing up in Papa’s hearing range, “I haven’t seen you around before,” Her tone went up slightly, as though this fact were exciting, “I recognize most of the people who attend this mass, since I’m always here, so… you must be kinda new to this parish, huh?”
Natsuki couldn’t stop her lips from pulling up into a sneer, which she tried to hide by turning away, “No, we’re not new,” She replied, “We used to go in the evening.” Before the stupid renovations gave her any dumbass hope.
“Oh!” ‘Monika’ gasped, “I totally forgot! That makes a ton of sense! Well, I’m always glad to see a new face or two in the mornings! Never bad to get your day started early, right?”
Natsuki scoffed, “Sure.” She said, injecting as much sarcasm into the single word as she could, “I love getting up early for church. That’s why we went in the evenings, to mess with me,” Natsuki couldn’t stop herself. She knew that if Papa heard her, she wouldn’t be able to go to school tomorrow, but this ‘Monika’ was pissing her off, dammit.
“Oh,” ‘Monika’ said.
Natsuki glanced at her. She was frowning, eyes cast down towards the floor. Her held the bicep of one of her arms with the hand of her other, rubbing lightly at it. One of her feet rubbed its heel into the linoleum floor, her shoe squeaking ever so quietly.
Natsuki wanted desperately to take this as some sort of victory. After all, she’d just made somebody at church feel bad. That sounded like a victory to her… or it should. But all Natsuki could see was that she was being a douche to some girl who liked church and played the organ. Being an asshole didn’t sound like much of a victory to Natsuki, when she thought about it like that. So she let out a ragged sigh, righted her posture, and refused to take her hands out of her pockets.
“…Sorry,” She said, “I didn’t mean to be like that. I’m just… having a bad day. Shouldn’t be taking it out on you.”
More like a bad life.
At the apology, Monika seemed to perk right up, “Oh, don’t worry, I understand!” She said, her frown quickly bouncing into a smile, “I was a bit grumpy when I first started attending morning masses too! Getting up early isn’t for everyone, I suppose.”
Natsuki thought ‘grumpy’ made her sound like a little kid, and chose to bite her tongue instead of comment on it.
Right as Monika opened her mouth to say something else, however, Papa got the first words in, “Naruki!” He snapped, “Come here!”
Natsuki cringed and cringed visibly, as confusion painted Monika’s face. Still, Natsuki preferred being in one piece to the judgment of a random girl, so she ducked around Monika and hurried over to where Papa stood with the staff member.
“This is my son, Naruki,” Papa said. He put his hand on her shoulder, as if to say ‘don’t even think about it’.
“H… hello, sir,” Natsuki said, forcing herself to drop her voice an octave.
“Good morning, Naruki,” The staff member said, “So your father told me that you’d be interested in helping out around the church during some of our bigger events, and occasionally on the weekends, is that true?”
Natsuki’s eyes went wide, and she tried very hard not to snap her neck as she turned to look at Papa. He refused to look in her direction, and answered for her.
“He’d be glad to,” Papa said, “Isn’t that right, Naruki?”
“I…” Natsuki began. She wanted to say no, wanted to kick and scream and shout, and maybe getting beaten within an inch of her life would be preferable to this. Instead, she said, “Y-Yes sir.”
“Excellent!” The staff member said, offering her a warm smile that just made her want to punch him in the stomach, “In that case… Monika, come here!” He called out. Natsuki winced. Dammit, not her.
“What is it, Mr. Tanaka?” Monika asked, trotting over from where she’d just been talking to Natsuki.
The staff member motioned at Natsuki, “Why don’t you show Naruki here around a bit? I need to discuss a couple more things with his father, but in the meantime, you should get to know him a bit, since we’ll probably have him working with you for a time.”
Natsuki felt numb.
“Oh! Of course!” Monika said, offering the staff member a smile. She then turned to Natsuki and motioned for her to follow, “Follow me! I’ll show you where I store my stuff while I’m out playing the organ.”
Natsuki didn’t move until Papa finally let go of her shoulder, giving her a light push in Monika’s direction. She stumbled forward slightly, somehow unable to find her footing. She felt… like she was in a dream. Like this couldn’t be real. Papa couldn’t actually be doing this to her, right?
She just… moved. She barely even registered that Monika was even looking back at her, only knowing that if she just followed Monika, she’d get home eventually… right? At least at home, she could be Natsuki. At least at home she wouldn’t have to hear that fucking name over and over and over again.
Natsuki, after a minute of just… walking behind Monika, realized why she couldn’t see. Tears beaded up in her eyes, and she sniffled, trying to keep them from falling. What was she, some kind of kid? Some stupid little kid that cried because she wanted to go home? Because that’s what this felt like. Like she was a kid again, being dragged to places she didn’t want to go and called names she didn’t want to be called and crying because of it. Crying like a fucking baby.
“Um,” Monika’s voice rang out, and Natsuki blinked her eyes a bunch before she looked up.
There stood beautiful Monika, the perfect, organ playing, church girl, looking at her with such a concerned expression that Natsuki was convinced she was fucking with her.
“Well…” Monika said, averting her eyes, “This… this is the storage room I keep my stuff in. Nobody else uses it, because… well, there’s a bigger one. And plus, this is closer to the area where they’re doing renovations, so it’s noisier. But I don’t mind, because I, um. Like being alone, I guess. Lets me think.”
Natsuki stared at Monika, nervous Monika, through her wobbling vision and wondered why the hell she was even bothering.
Monika fidgeted, twiddling her fingers, and leaned over to open the door, “Well… you’re welcome inside. If you want. I know I’m supposed to show you around but…” She looked down at the floor, “I don’t think you want to be here at all.”
“No,” Natsuki said, hating how her voice shook despite how hard she tried to keep it in check.
“Well um,” Monika pushed open the door, “Seems like your dad isn’t going to say no to this, so… you’re free to hang out here with me,” She smiled, “There’s another organ player, but he doesn’t hang out around here. So it’s just me, usually. I, uh,” She rubbed the back of her neck, “I can cover for you. If you want. Say that, you know, you’re helping me out with stuff,” She paused again, “I can show you how to fix the organ? It doesn’t usually break, but it’s annoying to fix if it does.”
“…” Natsuki sat there and stared. What?
Past Monika, she could see the storage room. It was mostly concrete, walls and floor, with a shitty wooden ceiling. A lamp on a short cord hung from the ceiling, and the room was furnished sparsely, just a single table, a stack of folding chairs, and what looked to be a carpet, rolled up and shoved in the corner. On the table was what Natsuki assumed to be some of Monika’s stuff, a backpack and a spread of papers and… tools of sorts.
The place looked like shit. And before she could stop herself…
“Looks like shit.”
Nastuki quickly slapped a hand over her mouth, snapping her head to the side and turning away. Oh fuck. She looked up and down the hall, half expecting Papa to be standing there. Even though the coast was clear, Natsuki wasn’t convinced that he wouldn’t pop out from around a corner and beat the shit out of her .
Instead, Monika just chuckled, “Yeah, it does. But it’s my little space, and I’ve learned to kinda just… accept it.” She took a step inside and held the door open, “You’re free to come in,” She repeated.
“Th… thanks?” Natsuki said, not sure if this was a good idea or a smart decision or even safe. She barely even knew Monika.
She stepped into the room and Monika let the door go. It swung shut with a heavy ‘whumph’, and then Natsuki was alone in a shitty looking storage room with a girl she’d never talked to before today.
“Uh,” Monika began, in a way that Natsuki knew meant that this wasn’t going to be a conversation she wanted to have, “Can I ask you something?” She leaned up against the table, twiddling her fingers.
Natsuki glowered, keeping herself near the door. Meant she could bail easier, if she needed to, “Sure, but I don’t have to answer.”
“…fair enough, I guess,” Monika said, frowning, “Um… it’s… it’s ‘Natsuki’, right?”
Natsuki clenched her jaw, and thought about exercising her right to remain silent before deciding to answer, “Yes.”
“So then…” Her frown grew, “So then why does your dad call you ‘Naruki’?”
That was a question Natsuki wasn’t going to answer. She scoffed and turned away, intending to keep her mouth shut.
“Because he hates me,” She said.
And before Monika could respond, there was a knock knock knocking at the door, so much lighter than all the BANG BANG BANGing that Papa was so fond of.
Natsuki winced anyways.
Monika got up to open the door, but Natsuki was already right there. She hauled the thing open (what the hell, that’s a heavy door), and found the staff member standing there, with Papa nowhere to be seen. “Oh, there you two are,” He said, “Mr. Kitamura was looking for his son.”
Natsuki winced again. She could feel Monika’s eyes drilling into her back.
“I’ll… see you next week?” Monika asked.
“I guess,” Natsuki replied.
Natsuki left Monika behind in the shitty little storage room and followed the stupid staff member back to the front of the church, where Papa was waiting in the empty lobby. Natsuki couldn’t help but be distracted by the emptiness. She’d never seen it without people before. It was almost pleasant. Almost.
“And here’s your son. He was just speaking with Monika, it seemed,” The stupid staff member said.
“Thanks,” Papa said, which sounded like a fake word coming from his mouth. Papa never thanked her for anything, “Let’s get going, Naruki.”
“Whatever,” Natsuki replied, because at this point she didn’t care if she’d get a beating for mouthing off. Papa was already doing his best to ruin her fucking life. What the fuck worse was it if she got a couple extra welts?
Papa’s mouth pressed into a thin line.
Natsuki didn’t go to school the next day.