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The more time passes the more I am in love with Nikki, I can't do without it. He is my best friend, my partner in crime and I can't screw it up, if only Nikki knew about my feelings for him, it would be the end, he will kick me in the sidewalk telling me that I am sick and this thought makes me extremely sad but I have to go on andhide everything for the sake of our friendship in the first place and for the band.
Now we are on tour with the legendary Ozzy Osborne and we are at a party, alcohol, drugs and girls, in short, nothing different. Nikki is sitting on a sofa and there are even two girls lying on him. I don't have to but I'm terribly jealous, I'd go to those girls and slap them and then kiss Nikki in front of everyone to show the whole world how I feel about him but of course I know it's a bad idea so, I'll be here alone drinking to oblivion, I already feel my head buzzing.
A girl approaches to make her way with me but I don't even look at her, on the contrary I walk away with a gesture of contempt, I don't care that the girl is offended and is cursing me. I walk over to the alcohol table, grab a bottle of Jack Daniel's and start throwing my whiskey down, getting more and more drunk until I understand practically nothing.
I look at Nikki with those girls with his arms around their hips. He smiles and talks to them as they giggle like geese. I get up with the bottle in my hand and stagger over to Nikki who doesn't even look at me.
"You're just whores to him," I say awkwardly and drunk. Nikki looks at me without batting an eye.
Anger invades me driving me crazy and alcohol doesn't help. I throw the bottle into the wall in front of me and it breaks into many pieces of glass and I don't care if I've hurt anyone. The next thing i know is that i'm crying and mumbling nonsense.
"Come on, it's okay Tommy" Vince tells me trying to calm me down.
"No" I say angrily. Nikki remains sitting on that sofa staring at me without saying a word with those bitches still on him.
I'm shaking, I'm angry, I'm confused, still saying nonsense and threats to the wind. I grab another bottle of whiskey and take a long sip but Mick walks over to me and takes the bottle from my hands.
"That's enough" I hear him say before he takes me out with Vince, I can see Nikki whispering something to those girls laughing loudly and Nikki is laughing too.
I am completely crazy and now I am struggling to free myself from Vince and Mick but I am too drunk, I give up and let myself be carried away. They take me to my hotel room and lay me in bed, someone, Mick I think, takes my shoes off. I'm a mess bent over myself and I cry like a child, it's the alcohol but also Nikki's fault, he was impassive, I could have cut my veins in front of him who wouldn't have even moved, he would have just laughed of me.
I can barely hear Vince talking to me trying to calm me down, in the end I fell asleep from exhaustion but when I wake up I feel someone caressing my hair softly, I would recognize his touch and scent everywhere, it's Nikki. I hide even more under the blankets, groaning from the pain in my head and a little from the pain in my heart.
"Are you OK?" he asks me softly, he's quiet, too quiet, he's holding on, I know, he's always doing it but he's annoyed. I don't answer but I want to cry again.
"I brought you some water and aspirin," he says, stopping stroking me, slowly I sit down and lean my back against the keyboard of the bed.
Nikki looks at me and smiles as he hands me the aspirin and water. I nod in thanks and take the aspirin with a big sip of water.
"What's going on?" He asks me. Now he is looking at me intently and I cannot hold his gaze.
"Nothing" I tell him with my head down.
"Okay, when you want to talk you know where I am. Now rest tomorrow we have to leave for another city and I want you to be fine" he tells me as he gets up to leave. Of course he wants me to be okay and worried that I will fuck the band and that I won't be able to play my drums. I swallow hard before I lose my mind again.
"I love you Nikki, that's why, I fucking love you and I'm so jealous and..." I can't believe I said that, he walked out without me really thinking.
Nikki suddenly freezes and turns to look at me shocked, confused and angry, I can't understand, but he shakes his head and walks out without saying a word, my heart breaks, what did I expect him to throw into my arms? I slip back under the covers and start crying because I screwed it up, he won't want to be my best friend anymore, no more terror twins, he'll kick me out of the band.
I fell asleep again with tears and sobs but I wake up with a start when I feel someone shake my body without too much kindness, it's Vince.
"Come on, wake up we have to leave" he tells me while he takes the covers off me.
"Fuck you" I tell him trying to get the covers back and cover myself again to hide from the world.
"Go under the shower, hurry up idiot" he says laughing at me, without even trying to hide.
I reluctantly get up and go into the shower, I wonder how I can deal with Nikki, I know I will have to, I knew from the start he will never be mine and I have to get over it. When I finish the shower, I get dressed without much desire and when I go out Vince is still waiting for me.
"You look like a rag," he says amused. I just take a look at it and put my things in my bag, take it on my shoulder and leave that depressing hotel room, without saying a word.
"You seeing what it means to drink too much" he tells me laughing at me again, listen to who's talking. I throw my middle finger at him without too many frills and Vince continues laughing.
When we get on the tour bus that will take us to the next city, everyone is there, even our manager Doc McGhee who looks at me very unhappy.
"If you continue like this ..." but he doesn't finish the sentence he shakes his head and goes back to reading his newspaper he is undoubtedly pissed off, not that I care.
Mick frowns at me as if he wants to shake my soul but I shrug with a weak smile. I sit on one of the furthest seats, Nikki hasn't even looked at me, now I'm more than sure I've screwed it up, maybe I should seriously leave the Mötley so Nikki no longer feels uncomfortable and will no longer have to endure my bulky presence. The journey will be long enough I have time to think.
I look out the window, I don't even try to be happy and content as usual, as if nothing had happened. I am taken by my dark thoughts when I hear someone sitting next to me, I just turn around to look at whoever comes to disturb me, it's Mick but in my heart I was hoping it was Nikki but obviously he doesn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.
"So what happened yesterday?" he asks me quietly.
"I was drunk," I reply, looking out the window again.
"Yeah, but you've never been like this and those things you've said, I think there's really something wrong lately." I can hear a thread of concern in his voice. Mick is a friend and I would like to tell him what happened and how I feel about Nikki but I don't know how he might react so I decide not to answer and keep looking out the window.
"You should tell him," he says suddenly, I turn to look at Mick who smiles at me like him. "You know what I'm talking about," he says then turning to Nikki.
"That's not what you think, Mick," I say frowning.
"You don't have to hide it from me, I've known it for a long time now." Mick shakes his head, giggling and it almost scares me.
"Fuck Mick, is that obvious?" I ask him looking down.
"No, not for others, it's only me who can look into people." he grimaces in pain, surely it's his back and these uncomfortable seats don't help him.
"I did it this morning but it didn't go as I hoped and now Nikki doesn't even look at me" I say, sighing sadly.
"Nikki heart of stone, he's the only one I can't understand" Mick smiles but shakes his head again. "But I don't know if I really want to do it."
"I wasn't expecting who knows what, I know Nikki isn't on my side" I say trying to look okay but failing.
"Will you be okay drummer?" he asks me worried.
"Yes I will," I tell him but I can see that he doesn't believe it very much.
"Well Tommy rest now, you need it" I just nod as Mick gets up leaving me alone.
The journey proceeds smoothly without too many hitches and when we arrive at our hotel each of us reaches our rooms, as soon as I reach mine I lock myself in and sit heavily in bed. Not a look or a word from Nikki, he's been avoiding me the whole time.
I decide to stay in my room until I have to go out tomorrow to the commitments we have with the band, I don't even go out when Vince comes to call me to go with them to a strip club. I sleep until mid-morning, I have things to do for the band so I go down to have some breakfast.
Nikki is there and looks at me for a moment but immediately looks away, I sit at another table but finally I don't eat much because I have a knot in my stomach, I should talk to Nikki to understand what he thinks and make it clear that I don't want anything from him, so meI get up and approach Nikki nervously.
"I ..." I try to say but I stop when I see that Nikki doesn't even look at me and shakes his head.
I sit back at the table where I was before, I feel like crying. I make my decision, it will be painful but I cannot stay close to Nikki who now hates me.
Our manager comes in to call us all to report, we have a day before the concert which will be tomorrow night but there are interviews to do, photo shoots and things like that. When Doc finishes explaining what we need to do we move to fulfill our fucking duties, I think I'll resign tonight when we're calmer.
I don't think much about Nikki because I'm focused on other things until I find him in front of me for dinner, everyone is there, we eat quietly and Nikki doesn't say a word and still doesn't look at me, that's when I decide to break the news.
"I'm leaving the band, I can't stand this" I swallow hard and tears threaten to fall at any moment.
Nikki doesn't say anything but he finally looks at me even though I can't understand what he is thinking. I can't stand there like an idiot hoping he will do something so I suddenly get up and run to my room and take refuge in bed crying, wondering where all this is going to end.
I hear a knock on the door but I don't want to see anyone, the only thing I want is to empty the mini fridge and become numb but the door suddenly opens and I find Nikki in front of me. Obvious fuck that bastard knows how to pick a door. I don't say anything as Nikki enters and leans against the wall, there is an awkward silence which Nikki interrupts.
"You don't have to leave the band" he tells me without looking at me. "I'm sorry Tommy but I don't ..." No, I don't want to hear.
"Leave Nikki, I know you will never be mine, and I don't ask you but I can't help it, I'll try to stay on the sidelines" I say trying not to cry but failing and before Nikki says something, I run away again.
I run as far as I can from the guy I once could call my twin, my best friend. I don't know where I'm going, I go wherever my long legs take me. I run through the hotel lobby where I catch a glimpse of Mick and Vince and Doc not far from them who blocks me to ask what is going on.
"Tommy please stop" I hear Nikki scream and for a moment I think it's just in my head but it wasn't.
I free myself from Doc's hold and starting to walk quickly as far away from everything and everyone as possible, I vaguely hear Nikki calling me and Doc cursing.
"Tommy Lee Bass damn, I love you too" I suddenly freeze, it can't be, he didn't say those words and just my mind wanting to hear this.
I stay still in my seat without being able to turn around but I can feel Nikki approaching me. He doesn't say a word as he puts a trembling hand in my back, my heart is beating fast but I'm still afraid to turn around. I am vaguely aware of the people around us.
"I love you Tommy" he repeats whispering that I hardly hear it. "I've always tried to suppress my feelings out of fear," he tells me then moving in front of me.
"Nikki when I was drunk the other night and I made that scene, you didn't even move in fact you made fun of me with those two little girls and then you broke my heart" I shouldn't have said it but I had to get it out it, made me suffer.
"I shouldn't have gone like this and I should have talked to you but I was confused and I was afraid you don't really care" he tells me looking around a little frowning as if only now he has realized that there are people around us, including Mick, Vince and Doc but he turns his attention back to me.
"I really meant it, Nikki" I should have realized that it's hard for him to think that anyone loves him.
"I didn't fool you with those two, and I know I hurt you and I'm sorry for that. Those girls don't matter, i just do it to show and hide who i really am, just cause i'm so scared and think what people might say if they only knew, it might just end badly for us but now i don't care because i don't want to lose you" he says taking minehands.
"You laughed at me Nikki," I tell him trying to take my hands off his. I don't know why but I wanted him to understand that he broke my heart.
"I didn't laugh at you, it's the truth, only at your drunkenness and I wanted to keep my facade, without thinking about the consequences, I'm so sorry Tommy for hurting you" he tells me squeezing my hands more to keep me from walking away, and now there are tears in his eyes.
I look at him and I can see that he is telling the truth, I have never seen Nikki so vulnerable and above all I have never heard him apologize to anyone not even me and above all I have never seen him cry. I move a lock of hair behind his ear making him smile weakly but just enough to make me smile too.
"I too was afraid of my feelings for you but it was so suddenly, from the first moment I saw you and I can't help it," I tell him, wiping his tears with my thumb.
I want to kiss him but we're in public even though it's too late to worry about it now. I approach Nikki nervously as our eyes never leave each other, Nikki also looks nervous as he too approaches me and finally our lips meet in a short but meaningful kiss. Only when we break away can we feel that Mick and Vince with a few other people are cheering for us, while others seem disgusted but those can go away if it bothers them.
"It's OK for you?" Nikki asks me biting his lip shyly as if he still doesn't believe what's going on.
"Yes, just fine" I reply catching another kiss "let's go back to my room, we have a lot to talk about" I tell him then even if I don't really want to talk, we would have time later, now I just want to be with him in all possible ways.
"Come on my Tommy" I smile happily with butterflies in my stomach when I hear him say "my Tommy" and my heart is pounding.
My body is flooded with all positive emotions and I can say that the same is also for Nikki. I take his hand and kiss his back before taking him with me, gone towards our future together.