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Control. That was all that he wanted. It was all he needed.
It started with everyone expecting the best from him. It had been an expectation of him since his quirk manifested, but now that he’s in UA, all those expectations had increased drastically. It made sense though. He was the best out of everyone. All his previous teachers and classmates had said so. UA was different though. His way of living had been flipped upside down. He had to stay on top so that everyone else knew that.
So what if his days were suddenly filled with studying and little breaks? His grades had to stay on top of the class. UA had harder courses because it was the best school. So, of course, he had to spend extra time studying to stay on top. Even though that wasn’t the case. Glasses and Ponytail took the top two spots and he was left in third. He knew the effort the two put into their studies, but damn, it didn’t make it hurt less. He only knew how to be the best.
Training was another thing he had to stay on top of as well. His quirk was a tricky one and it needed a lot of refinement. The one thing he knew was that he was going to become a hero. The second he was able to, he started to learn his quirk and train it to be better. A slight wrong move could have extreme consequences, but the others didn’t need to know that. They didn’t need to know how many injuries he had gotten over the years of training his quirk. They did not need to know how he even figured out how to fly with his quirk. All they needed to see was that he had great control of his quirk, and that he was the best in everything.
He didn’t know why his classmates kept giving him pitiful looks. It’s been that way for some since the Sports Festival. For others, it started after the training camp. He thought that it had lessened after some time, but now it looks like it’s coming back full force. Now, all his classmates seemed to be giving him the same look. It’s not like he was doing anything wrong or harmful. He still ate meals and made sure to stay hydrated if he was doing intense training. He stuck to his scheduled training. He still went to bed at his usual time. His schedule was the only thing he could control and he made fucking sure that he sticks to it as best as he can. Little difficult when these fucking villains keep targeting us.
His classmates say that he needs to talk more with them. That he needs to get out of his room more. Hang around the common room, join them for a movie night, or just do anything that wasn’t studying or training. Well, what did they know? They were content with where they were as long as they were improving. Sure, they’re striving to do their best as well, especially with the increasing presence of the League of Villains, but they’re not striving to be the best. They just want to be better than what they were at the beginning of school. That wasn’t enough for him though. It’s not enough for your parents
The straw that broke the camel’s back was when he received his score for a test he didn’t intensely study for. At the time, he didn’t think he’d have to. He knew the material like the back of his hand. He constantly stayed on top of his work and having to make sure the idiots from his group got the material made it stick into his head. There wasn’t a reason for him to study as intensely as he usually did. So he decided to cut it early and indulge his group in watching a movie with them. He had dinner with the rest of the class and then he went to sleep, feeling confident for tomorrow’s test.
When they had received their scores for the test, all of that confidence went away. He thought that he’d known the material. No, he was certain that he had known what was going to be on the test. While taking the test, his confidence never wavered and yet…that mark kept staring right back at his face. It wasn’t a failing score. Of course not, Katsuki never fails. It couldn’t even be considered a low test score but…it was definitely the lowest he had ever gotten. Was it because you cut your studying time short for a stupid movie? He just kept staring at the test like it had offended him.
Well…in a way it had. It was like it made a mockery of his intelligence. He could do better than this. He was better than this! Things just got in the way. His parents wanted him home for the weekend using time he could’ve spent studying. But he couldn’t control that. If his parents wanted him to go home for the weekend, he was going home for the weekend. One of the “news reporters” had gotten in only to have been revealed to be a villain causing UA to go into lockdown. You’d think there would be better preventative measures for this exact kind of thing, but nope. And the lockdown made him miss some of his schedule either. But he can’t control that kind of thing. Unexpected stuff happens all the time, especially if they’re becoming more and more likely to be attacked by villains. But he hates how his control of his schedule changed compared to his control in middle school where he could follow his schedule to a tee. It’s like his grip on it was slowly becoming looser.
His friends had seen his score on the test and of course, they praised him for it. Why wouldn’t they praise him for it? He always received high scores. But not this time… He had to do better. In the meantime, his friends were going on and on about his score and the scores they had received. He was pretty sure there was even a mention of more study nights, which suspiciously turn into hangouts after a while. One of the idiots had cracked a joke that he gets such good grades without even trying. Another had said that their grades have been improving and- wait…what?
Good grades without even trying. That sentence irked him. He hated whenever anyone said that shit. He had always made sure to make everything look flawlessly, but surely, these idiots know how much work goes into this. Surely the fact that he tutors them every week, going as far as to use different methods depending on how they learn, shows just how much effort he puts into studying.
Without even trying.
His friends do their best. And logically, he knows. He knows that they don’t mean anything negative. It isn’t the first time they’ve said something like this and it’s not only his studying that they make those types of comments on. But still, he can’t help where his mind goes whenever they say it. It makes him feel that all the effort that he puts into his assignments, all the effort that he puts into studying, all the effort he puts into training, makes it seem like it was all for naught.
He had been told his entire life that he was gonna be the best. And he knew that. He made sure that was true with his training and studying and making sure he stays healthy. But when people say that, they mean that he’s going to be the best without even trying. Like everything just comes naturally to him. Which, could be a fair judgment considering he tries his hardest to make sure that no one sees him fail. Which could be Katsuki’s fault. But still, being told that he was going to be the best and he didn’t even need to try…
Was that supposed to be a compliment? Was it supposed to make him feel good?
‘Cause it didn’t. It didn’t do any of that.
And this test score wasn’t even the worst score he had ever received. It wasn’t even the worst thing that had happened to him. But it just had to be the thing to make him feel…make him feel…
You feel emotions? Since when do you feel?
Deku feels. He’s emotional. You aren’t.
You’re just uncontrollable.
Can’t even control yourself.
Control. That was all that he wanted. It was all that he needed.
It started with everyone expecting the best from him. It had been an expectation of him since his quirk manifested, but he’s realizing that he needs to step up his game even more now that he’s in UA. It made sense though. UA only turns out the best students, the best heroes, and he has to live up to those expectations plus his own. It didn’t matter what his previous teachers had told him. His way of living had been flipped upside down. Whether he’s trying to prove it to himself, to UA, or even to his parents is where the line starts to blur. But it doesn’t matter. His goal still remains. Prove to everyone that he’s the best thus making them see that he’s going to be the number one Hero.
So what if his days were suddenly filled with intense studying, making sure everything was in his head, with no more breaks because they took time away. The only time he’d be away from his studies is if he was training, sleeping, or using the bathroom. All they did was take time away. His grades had to stay on top of the class. Even though that wasn’t the case at all. He wasn’t at the top. He was third. No matter how hard he tried, those two still took the top two spots, leaving him in the dust. It frustrated him to no end. Especially since he knows. He knows the effort the two put into their studies. But it just meant that he needed to put more effort so he could be better. He had to be better. He only knew how to be the best.
He had to stay on top of his training as well. His quirk was tricky and dangerous. It took a lot to make sure that it didn’t hurt him, much less making sure it didn’t hurt others. But none of his classmates needed to know that. They didn’t need to know just how many injuries he’s acquired since starting to train his quirk privately. They didn’t need to know how sore his arms were and that it was only getting worse as time progressed. They didn’t need to know that the only reason he continued to improve was by skipping meals and pushing his body past his limits. All they needed to know was that he was improving. All they needed to see was that he was improving a lot more than them.
He didn’t know why the pitiful looks kept increasing. He wasn’t doing anything wrong. So what if he went to bed at a later time than usual? He still made sure that he woke up at his usual time. So what if he wasn’t eating meals as much anymore? He still made sure to stay hydrated and have snacks so that he could stick to his intense training, both from school and in private. And that’s all what training is. Pushing your body to become better than you already are. He’s not doing anything. So why do they keep looking at him like that?
They said that he’s been isolating himself and that they were “worried”. They said that they haven’t seen him eating outside of his room and that they were “concerned”. They were practically holding some sort of intervention. What did they know? The time they’re spending eating and socializing is time that they could be using for training and studying. They were content with where they were as long as they were improving. That wasn’t enough for…that wasn’t enough for anyone. Not anymore.
All eyes on him from his classmates and teachers since middle school. All eyes on him from the public since the sports festival. Even more so since his kidnapping. All eyes on him. They’re all expecting him to turn around and become some sort of villain. As if he hasn’t been working towards becoming a hero his entire life. They were all expecting him to be okay with all the shit that he’s been through because despite seeing him as a villain, he’s also supposed to be strong. As if he doesn’t have nightmares about everything he’s been through.
…
wait…
wait no.
What is he talking about? He’s okay. He’s strong. Katsuki doesn’t know where that came from because what he was just thinking was complete and utter bullshit. He’s pulled through every single thing he’s been through. Why? Because he’s the best. And he’s proving it every single day. He’s not some sort of victim. He doesn’t need any help just because he’s been knocked around a few times. He was tougher than that. Nothing is going to set him back. He was okay.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was during a training session. Aizawa-sensei wanted them to improve their special moves. He wanted them to make them better than they already are. If they think their special movies are at that point, they could feel free to come up with new ones. Now this…this was his specialty. This was his release. He knew his quirk like the back of his hand. He’s been doing this since he was young. He knows his limits and he intends to pass them. He had been training quite intensely privately and he could finally show it off.
It was fine during the first half of class, but things started to become a little dizzy nearing the second half. Which was fine. It wasn’t anything that he couldn’t handle. A little dizziness never hurt anyone. He wasn’t going to fail. It couldn’t even be considered something that required his teacher’s attention. He just kept going on, not noticing when he started to become a little unbalanced. He hadn’t even noticed that his teacher had been calling his name, drawing the attention of his surrounding classmates.
Well..in a way he did.
He may not have been completely aware of his surroundings, but he wasn’t totally helpless. He could faintly see his friends looking at him. He could faintly make out their figures, though he couldn’t exactly tell how close or far they were. Since when did everything get so dark? There’s conversations going on around him. That much he could make out. He thinks he could even faintly hear someone ask him a question.
“Are you okay?”
Another sentence that did nothing but irk him.
‘Are you all right? Can you stand?’
He’d been haunted by that question too many times. Of course he was fine! He was better than him. Better than everyone else. Those stupid questions making it seem like he can’t do anything. Like his effort that he puts into his assignments, that he puts into studying, into training is all for naught. Like he didn’t know what he was doing. Like he was incapable of taking care of himself. Which he wasn’t. He could take care of himself.
“Are you okay?”
Was that supposed to be pity? Oh, how Katsuki hated pity. He didn’t need to be looked down upon. None of his classmates have any reason to be looking down on him. Was it supposed to make him feel good?
‘Cause it didn’t. It didn’t do any of that.
And you know what, unlike with what happened when he received that horrible test score, he wasn’t going to stay quiet. He’ll make sure that they remember this so that it doesn’t happen again. This isn't even the worst thing that had happened to him. And he intended to say so. He’ll let them know to stop looking down on him. He’s been through a lot worse. How dare they think…How dare they imply…
…
Control. That was all that he wanted.
It had started with him waking up in Recovery Girl’s office. He had apparently passed out during training. Yeah, passed out. So much for being the best. And now everyone knows. How pathetic. All it took was just one slip for everyone to find out. Everyone now knows that he’s just full of shit. Everyone knows that he isn’t the best.
“Kirishima has offered to stick by you. He’s gonna make sure that you’re eating and that you’re only using the training area when required and supervised. You’ve been pushing your body way past its limit- don’t argue with me. There’s a difference between what we do in training and what you were doing. Because of it, you’re no longer going to be allowed to train by yourself until you’re back to a healthy state. We can’t risk you exhausting yourself to the point of serious injury.”
So now his days are filled, once again, with study groups with his idiot friends. He has way more breaks than he ever incorporated into his schedule since he started making his schedules. His friends take the study groups way more seriously when it comes to Katsuki finishing his work. However, once he finishes his work, they go back to how they were before. It’s their way of making sure that his assignments are always finished so that he’s still on top of his schoolwork while also making sure he doesn’t work himself to death. While he was overworking himself, he hadn’t even realized that his ranking had dropped to below #5. Now he was back in third. Despite everything, this time he felt content with third.
“The top three students should stick together, right?”
Yaoyorozu and Iida (he should at least use their names if they’re going to go all-out like this) made a study group for the three of them. He almost lashed out at them right there because he didn’t need their help, but then they had said something about how the top three students could be of better help to each other and remain on top. And while he did still feel like yelling at them, he couldn’t help that feeling of wanting to remain in the top three. He wasn’t exactly going to get any better by helping his merry band of idiots. Which was mostly just him making sure his friends were getting the material in their head. It was definitely a change of pace. So…maybe he wasn’t the best in academics in his class at this moment. It doesn’t mean that he wasn’t going to do his best to surpass them. But if these two who put in hard work for their education are the people in the first two spots, well…he could reluctantly accept that it may take longer to surpass them.
“I’m serious about your new rules for training, Bakugou. More strain on your body won’t do anyone any good. If I find out that you’ve been training by yourself or training when you’re not supposed to, there will be consequences.”
His new rules for training meant that he could no longer train if someone wasn’t in the room with him or if he wasn’t scheduled to train. Before, they had made it so that he only trained when the rest of the class was training, but that had gotten dropped a few days ago. Still, unless someone was with him, he wasn’t allowed to train. Which was not only stupid, but annoying as well. While studies did come a little easier to him, his training is something that he needs to constantly work on. If he doesn’t, he starts to get repetitive and he has another situation where Deku can guess how he’s going to fight. He had to be better. He had to get better. They’ve already seen him be weak. They couldn’t see him be weak again or he was going to freak.
They didn’t need to know the nightmares that constantly plague him. His kidnapping was something that was often brushed off so he should be able to do the same as well. But you can’t. They didn’t need to know that certain foods make him remember an event that he’d rather forget. Something else that everyone has brushed off so why can’t he? They’ve already seen him pass out, but they couldn’t see his other weakness. He couldn’t let them.
All they needed to see was that despite everything, he was still standing. All they needed to see was that despite everything, he was fine and that he didn’t need to be babied. He had been strong enough to stand on his own since he was young. He was strong enough that he didn’t need to be supervised while doing something as simple as training. He’d show them. He’d show them that he could train his quirk and maybe, just maybe, they’ll finally get off his back.
“Just to be on the safe side, I’ll be supervising over your first few training sessions that are outside the class schedule. It’s only to make sure you’re not pushing or straining yourself. While I am aware that your friends are going to be there, they do sometimes let things slide for you and we cannot allow that to happen.”
But then Aizawa-sensei had to watch over him and his friends during their first few sessions. He doesn’t trust you. Until his body gets back to a healthy state, he isn't allowed to push himself with his quirk. He didn’t know why everyone kept thinking that he couldn’t handle simple training. He didn’t know why everyone was so insistent on taking away what little control he already had. They could control his eating. They could control his studying. Hell, they could control his sleep schedule as long as he was still getting a healthy amount. But his training was something he always had control over. It wasn’t something that they could just take away.
They said that he has a tendency to push himself further than he could handle. Passing out was the result of said tendency. They keep saying that he has to wait until he’s healthy again. But it’s already been a few weeks since he passed out. He doesn’t need to be coddled. They didn’t know anything about him. He needed to be better. He has to be the best. If not in academics, then at least when it comes to training. His quirk is all he has left.
‘Katsuki, I cannot believe you right now! First the sports festival. Then you got yourself kidnapped. And now this! What is wrong with you?’
He needs to be better.
‘Katsuki, you know your mom is just worried and concerned for you. You don’t tell us anything and when we receive a call that you had passed out during class…Well, it was no wonder that your mom had reacted that way.’
He has to be the best.
“Bakugou! You’re not supposed to be pushing yourself! Those explosions are getting too big!”
He only knows how to be the best.
“Bakugou? Sensei is canceling your quirk. You’re not letting off any explosions.”
…what?
He looks down at his hands, expecting to see some sparks only to be met with nothing. His hands weren’t letting off any explosions or any sparks. They took away his quirk. They took away his only defense. He couldn’t…He couldn’t think anymore. Rationally, he knows that they took it away for good reason. Logically, he knew that the explosions he was letting off were way too big for his body. Despite the fact that it’s been a few weeks since his passing out, his body was still recovering from almost no food and the little sleep he ran on. With the explosions he was letting off, he would’ve hurt himself more. Logically, he knows this.
“Baku…an yo…? …go!”
But in his state, taking away his quirk only did more harm than good. That was his last line of defense and they just stripped him of it. ‘Cause now everyone knew he was weak. Everyone now knew he was nothing without his quirk. And of course he had to break, not only in front of his teacher, but in front of Kirishima and Denki as well. The two who would, no doubt, tell the rest what happened and then it will spread all over the school and-
“Don’t…he ne…baku…for…me?”
His friends always praised him. And it was different than how his friends from middle school (could he even call them that?) would compliment him. They had set expectations from him since the day they met. They expected him to be the best. After all, he was able to excel in everything without even trying. So it was only natural that they expected him to be strong and take on everything.
“Just try…ing”
And he does try. He tries to stay on top of his training even if his muscles are sore. He tries to stay on top of his studies even when he knows he should be sleeping. He always tries, but it’s never enough. Never enough for the public. Never enough for his parents. Never enough for himself. Every time he thinks that he does well, someone always has to say something. He always got praised for being effortlessly talented. Effortlessly…
“That’s it…my breathing.”
Is it such a bad thing that he wants that effort to be recognized? He didn’t want any of those shitty compliments that he just did well or that he looked cool or that he was amazing. Or even worse, a compliment about his quirk. Don’t get him wrong. He does reluctantly appreciate compliments about his quirk because his quirk was amazing so it just made sense for people to compliment him on it. But he was told that his entire life. Ever since he got his quirk, everyone always told him how amazing his quirk was. No one ever saw the effort that he put into it. Is it bad that he wants it to be recognized every once in a while? Even if he doesn’t let them see, surely they’d know that it would take effort to get it to be this good. But to them, everything he does, he does effortlessly.
Were those supposed to be compliments? Were they supposed to make him feel better?
‘Cause it didn’t. It didn’t do that.
“That’s it. You’re doing well. Just keep following my breathing for a bit more.”
He knows. He knows it’s stupid. Getting told he was doing well for breathing? If it was any other time, he knows that he would’ve said something. If it was any other time, he knows he would’ve taken that as patronizing. But Katuski was tired. He was so tired. He was tired of people not seeing the effort he puts in. He was tired of people just brushing off everything he does. Studies, training, hell, even his cooking just gets passed off as just something that comes natural to him.
He was also physically tired. Everything that has happened throughout the past few weeks, and before that as well, was finally catching up to him once again. Lack of sleep, lack of food, and the lack of water. He had been doing well with eating, but that was only because his friends were there watching over him. He still wasn’t sleeping well. He couldn’t sleep well with all the nightmares that he’s been having.
He just couldn’t live up to their expectations anymore. He couldn’t even live up to his own expectations. It was just one disappointment after another. One failure after another. All piling up until the end result. Weakness showing. He was supposed to be a hero? What a joke. He was never going to be a hero. He could never be a hero. He wasn’t a hero.
“Don’t worry about anything else right now, Katsuki. Just focus on my breathing. You’re doing so good right now.”
Breathing. Yeah, he could do that. It hadn’t even hit him until that moment that he had been struggling with his breathing again. Can’t do anything right. But he can breathe. Just follow his teacher’s breathing. Slowly, everything became clearer. It wasn’t just a jumbled mess anymore. He could finally see his teacher in front him and he could see the feet of his two worried friends standing behind their teacher. Looks like they were told to keep their distance, but didn’t want to be too far.
“Are you back with us, Bakugou?”
His eyes drifted from the floor up to his teacher. When did he even get on the floor?
“I don’t need your fucking pity.”
Though his main focus was on his teacher, he could see in his peripheral vision that his friend relaxed a little when he responded.
“I’m not going to push you to talk at the moment, but we are going to have a conversation about this soon. It’s clear that this is a lot deeper than we had originally thought. At this rate, you’re going to seriously hurt yourself even worse.”
Well, fuck.