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“Ugh!” Peter slammed the front door to his apartment before heading over to the kitchen table, tossing his mask in the middle of where his aunt and best friends were waiting for him. He slumped in his chair until he caught Aunt May giving him A Look for slamming the door. He immediately sat straight up.
“What’s wrong?” Ned questioned sincerely while Michelle raised an eyebrow at Peter.
“Everything. This.” Peter slapped the current edition of The Daily Bugle in the middle of the table, the headline reading SPIDER-MENACE PERFORMS TIKTOK DANCE WHILE CITY BURNS. There was a photo of Spider-Man mid jazz square centered on the front page.
Michelle snorted and grabbed the paper. “I told you that was a dumb idea, loser.” She thumbed through the article. Lit nerd.
“It was for publicity! People love it!” Ned defended his idea (because of course it was his idea) and pulled up the TikTok on his phone. “It has 2.8 million views!”
“Woah, seriously?” Peter leaned over to look at Ned’s phone, trying to hide his grin by pressing his lips together.
“Losers.” MJ affectionately fake-coughed back. She had finished reading the article and pushed it back to the center of the table by his discarded mask.
“Peter, what is this?” Aunt May pointed to the “while city burns” part of the headline.
“No no no, May, it isn’t like that. Ned filmed me doing this after I got everyone out of the building and the fire department already arrived. Everyone was safe. I’m not that stupid,” he explained.
“Aren’t you?” Michelle muttered, grinning as her boyfriend stuck his tongue out at her in response.
“So why is it bothering you? You know the truth,” May pointed out.
Peter sighed. “The article calls me immature. I’m not immature! I’m in college now! I was just having some fun. You know, putting an emphasis on friendly neighborhood Spider-Man?”
“You literally just stuck your tongue out at me,” Michelle gave him a pointed look before sipping her tea. He pouted.
“People love it!” Ned reiterated. “Jameson just has it out for you.”
“I know! Plus, everyone likes the song ‘You Make My Dreams (Come True)’! It’s a Simon and Garfunkel classic! That’s why I did it.”
Michelle closed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Hall and Oates, Peter. Hall and Oates.”
Turns out, MJ liked to correct him on music too. Or anything really.
Peter ignored her. “But how am I supposed to show everyone that I’m not immature? That I can get the job done but still have fun with it while being responsible?”
“Maybe you could ask them for an interview? Set the record straight. Do a nice, mature, adult interview with them. Show them who Spider-Man really is.”
Peter pursed his lips at his aunt’s idea. “That’s actually not a bad idea…” He pulled out his phone and started googling contact information for The Daily Bugle.
“I’ll help you prep for the interview,” Michelle suggested. Peter smiled warmly at her. Despite her sharp tongue, which he didn’t mind as long as it wasn’t directed towards him, she was really sweet and always seemed attuned to his emotions. Not that she would admit it to anyone, but Michelle actually had a heart of gold and a huge soft spot for Peter. It was a side to her she had shown no one else and it took time for her to open up, but damn did Peter feel lucky. He had the best girlfriend.
“Okay, I sent them an email for an exclusive mature sitdown with Spider-Man. We’ll see what happens.” Peter rested his arms on the table.
May cleared the table of empty dishes. “Sorry we couldn’t wait for you to eat. I put your leftovers in the microwave to keep them warm.”
Peter pumped his fist into the air retrieved the food. Michelle rolled her eyes at him before sticking her nose back in her book. When had she pulled that out?
Suddenly, Peter’s phone pinged. He balanced his plate in one hand and checked his email with the other. “Wow, they already responded. They’d love to do an interview and even suggested some times to do it.”
“That’s great, Peter!” May called from the kitchen as she did the dishes.
Peter replied with a time that worked and shoved his phone in his pocket. “Okay, enough of this. Time for movie night!”
“I get to pick the movie this time!” Ned decided, already pulling snacks from the cupboard.
“It better be something mature and adult, like Star Wars,” MJ spit out sarcastically.
When it came time for the interview, Peter was nervous. He debated putting on a suit over his suit, but Michelle talked him out of it - telling him to be himself but more mature. She had coached him as much as possible, giving him pointers on how to answer the tricky questions without giving any secrets away. Granted, she had asked Betty Brant for help on her “research paper on journalism,” but Peter didn’t need to know that.
“You got this. You can do this.” He rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. “You’re Spider-Man, you got this.” Peter tried to pump himself up before going into the interview building. He made sure his mask was straight on his face before taking a deep breath and heading into reception.
The bored secretary had rattled off directions to the main office without looking up at him. Like Peter, he clearly wasn’t getting paid enough for this. Peter gave him a small salute anyway, and headed up to the thirty-fourth floor.
Overall, it was a nice office. It was dull with the expected small gray cubicles organized neatly throughout the space, but the employees were kind and enthusiastic in welcoming him. It only provided him with a little relief.
“Spider-Man! Thank you for coming in! We were surprised you reached out to us, but we are so excited for this exclusive!” A small over-caffeinated blonde woman shook his hand. “I’m Amanda, Amanda Price. I’ll be taking care of you today. We planned on doing the interview first and a small photo shoot for the cover afterwards. Is that alright with you?”
“Yeah, that sounds great.” Peter smiled, though he realized Amanda couldn’t really see it behind his mask. Good, get the hard part over first. Once in a small meeting room, she poured him a glass of water and set it in front of him. Amanda frowned.
“Sorry, we respect your privacy here. Is it easier to drink out of your mask with a straw?” She pulled a purple bendy straw from a drawer..
Peter relaxed a bit at this and nodded. He didn’t realize The Daily Bugle could be so respectful, considering the things they printed about him. Maybe they had picked a “fan” to interview him for this?
Peter stirred the straw uneasily in his drink as Amanda set up. She had a Zoom recorder placed in the middle of the table, a clean notepad and several pens, along with a stack of notecards he assumed the questions were written on. As she hit record, Peter collected himself and tried to remember everything MJ had told him.
“So, Spider-Man. Thanks for coming in today. Our readers are going to be so excited!”
“Thanks for having me. This is my first real interview, so I’m a little nervous.”
Amanda beamed. “Well, we appreciate you choosing us for your first exclusive! So, we all know you swing around the city and try to help people, whether it’s busting a bank heist or something mundane like helping an elderly woman cross the street, but recently you started a TikTok account! Tell me about that.”
Of course they were going to bring that up right away. Michelle was right. Michelle was always right. Fortunately, he had been prepared for this. “No task is too mundane for me, Amanda. I genuinely love helping the people in this great city,” he started. “But yes, I recently made a TikTok. I wanted to show the people of New York that I’m really one of them. I’m your average friendly neighborhood Spider-Man. But I do want to make it clear that I get the job done before turning to social media. People’s safety is my number one priority. I can assure you I take that responsibility seriously, but I’m still just a guy trying to enjoy the ride.”
“That’s excellent. We personally love the video here. You have some pretty slick dance moves, and we appreciate the tight suit.”
Peter briefly scrunched his eyebrows together. That was odd. Maybe she just wanted a date with Spider-Man? He cleared his throat. “Y-yeah. Thanks.”
“So, what made you become Spider-Man? How did you decide you wanted to help people?”
Peter smiled. This was probably the easiest question he could get. “Well, I was involved in an accident and got these powers. It was a weird adjustment at first, but then I realized I could be like my heroes. I could be like Iron Man and help people, but on a smaller scale. Even though it may not be safe at times, Queens is my home. There’s a real sense of community here, and I wanted to try to pay that forward. These aren’t just citizens I’m helping, they’re my neighbors. I’m fortunate that I have these powers and can use them to help and do good.”
“You said Queens is your home and these are your neighbors. Why the anonymity, then? Why hide behind a mask?”
Peter frowned but tried to keep composed. “Um… I’ve just had a few close encounters with my loved ones a-and I want to keep them safe. I don’t want bad guys coming after them because of what I do.” He tried not to get worked up by his uncle and the close calls he’s had with Michelle, Ned, and May. Time to change the subject. “Plus, I don’t need the recognition. I do this because I want to. Helping keep the neighborhood safe is reward enough for me. I don’t want my identity to be the focus of Spider-Man. I want everyone to focus on how we can all help our neighbors out. Anyone can do it.”
“A true hero through and through.” Amanda paused and took a sip of water. Peter felt like this interview was going great so far. “Now, let’s get into the good stuff. Do you have a girlfriend?” Peter raised his eyebrows at the bluntness of the question. “Or boyfriend? We don’t care if you swing both ways.”
Peter grinned at the pun then recalled her earlier comment about his suit. Time to shut that down nicely. “U-um… y-yeah. I have an amazing girlfriend. I’m definitely committed to her. But would you mind not printing that? It’s for her safety.”
“Of course. We’ll just mention you’re on the dating scene, if that’s alright.” She scribbled something down on her notepad. Relieved, he nodded. “So how do you balance a relationship with the hero stuff?”
“It’s tough.” But so is she, he couldn’t help but think with a dreamy smile. “But there are ways to make it work. It’s all about building trust between two people. If you’re lucky, you’ll find a partner, not just a significant other.”
Amanda raised her hand over her heart. “Swoon.”
Peter chuckled anxiously, unsure of how to respond.
“Trust is important in relationships, especially when it comes to these next few questions from some of our subscribers. One reader would like to know what you like to do in the bedroom when you have spare time?”
“Uh, well, I mostly sleep,” he laughed, “but I also like to play games.”
“Ooh, what kind of games? Role play?” Amanda jotted something down on her notepad and skipped through a few notecards.
“Yeah, sometimes. I can really get into Dungeons and Dragons. I like how many options you have for adventure. Anything goes.”
Amanda smiled and circled “role play” in her notes. Peter thought it was nice she didn’t think that was too nerdy. “And what about your webs?”
“What about my webs?” He raised an eyebrow.
“We know you can shoot webs. Do you ever use those?”
“I have a few times on accident. Sometimes I get too excited and it just comes out.” Peter shrugged. “I try to limit it, though. Things can get real messy real fast. I cannot even begin to tell you how many sticky situations I’ve been wrapped up in.” Michelle warned him not to use puns, but Peter couldn’t resist. He was proud of the small one he slipped in there.
Amanda asked him a few more borderline odd questions, but he just figured that superheroes didn’t usually open up like this to reporters. He was glad he could share a few things and come off as a normal guy. Granted, some of the Avengers were alien, but he wanted to prove that there’s a lot more to them than just the call of duty. They all had hobbies and interests. They were still people (mostly - he wasn’t sure what Groot was).
He was not expecting a gossipy “news source” that was avidly biased against him to be so open-minded and respectful towards him. Most of their stories about superheroes made them out to be gods or something. Mythical creatures who would show up for battle dutifully then retreat to their mansions like celebrities who couldn’t possibly have any real-people problems because they were famous and rich (which he sure the hell was not). It was one of the main reasons superheroes never sat down for interviews like this.
Jameson picked at other superheroes too, but Spider-Man was the target of his most brutal criticisms. You would think Spider-Man punted a sick puppy two boroughs over instead of having saved twelve people from an apartment fire due to a negligent landlord. Peter felt like he was under a microscope all the time and that no matter what he did - no matter how hard he worked or how many lives he saved - he was always seen as the villain. Seen as something less than human. One of the reasons he wanted to do this interview was to show the world that superheroes weren’t just surface level shit like costumes and special powers. There were real people under the masks. People who had loved ones and responsibilities outside of fighting bad guys. People who were often juggling multiple roles - father, lawyer, friend, wife, superhero, sister - and secret identities to keep them and those closest to them safe. At the end of the day, they still had needs and a favorite candy and a leaky faucet they’d been meaning to fix. They had a life to live.
This reminded Peter of all the feminist rants Michelle had graced him with over the years. Women aren’t objects that exist solely to pop out children and look like pretty trophy wives. They have feelings and goals, and likes and dislikes, and hobbies and substance. There’s layers to their personalities. He realized the same logic could be applied to the Avengers. Sure, they were heroes and had powers, but they weren’t untouchable or inhuman. They’re just like everyone else, but with extra abilities they use for the greater good. Humanity was what they really needed sometimes. It kept them grounded and was the greatest gift they had.
“One last quick question, Spider-Man.”
Being the incredibly smooth person that he was, his hand nearly knocked his water over when Amanda’s voice startled him from his thoughts. Fortunately, after fumbling the glass for a moment, he managed only to make a small splash on the table. He grinned sheepishly under his mask and mopped the water up with his gloved hand, then motioned for her to continue.
“Are you a top or bottom kind of guy?”
Wait, how did they know he had a bunk bed? He was assured they didn’t know who he was and they were respectful enough to keep that protected. Had he mentioned it to a kid in passing one time? That was the likely scenario. He could recall a young boy a few months ago who had been nervous about upgrading his racecar bed to a big kid bunk bed. Peter always made sure he reassured kids. Spider-Man didn’t judge. He encouraged kids to be themselves and that good always prevails.
“U-uh… Mostly bottom. But I like to be on top every once in a while to spice things up. Gotta switch it up often to keep things interesting, you know? We all need a little adventure sometimes.”
“Well, it doesn’t come off as a shock to us that you like adventure. You’ve stopped trains with your bare hands and often swing around eighty-story skyscrapers with ease. Speaking of which, are you a swinger?”
“I mean, swinging is fun. Especially when you bring someone along with you. It’s exhilarating.” Peter twirled the straw in his untouched water, glad this was almost over. He felt like if the interview went on any longer, he would accidentally spill something he wasn’t supposed to, like the water he almost knocked into his lap earlier.
“Great!” Amanda stopped the recording and gathered her materials. “This way please!”
She led him into a small photo studio where a photographer was waiting in front of a miniature cardboard New York City set. “Riccardo will take care of you now. I’m going to get started on the article. We’re hoping to have it online overnight and on stands by the end of the week. Thank you so much for doing this, it was a pleasure to meet you!” She waved as she quickly walked out of the studio.
Peter looked at the photographer. He looked a little sleazy, but Michelle had said most of her modeling photoshoots had sleazy photographers -it was all part of the industry. She said it was important to stay confident and act as if you’re in control instead of bothered by it. Best not to let them get to you.
“Take off everything but mask.” Riccardo’s accent was a thick Italian. “Changing room is over there. Put on Calvin Klein while I adjust lighting.”
Peter nodded and went to the changing room - curtains on clothing racks that barely came up to his height. He made sure Riccardo wasn’t looking before stripping out of his suit and Star Wars themed boxers and changing into the spider patterned boxer briefs provided. The rest of the outfit must come after. He’d FaceTimed Michelle at a photoshoot before. She was usually in a robe until they finished her makeup. They had to keep the clothes clean for the photos. He double checked that his mask was on tightly and poked his head out from behind the curtain. “Um, what next? Is there a towel or a robe or someth-”
“Come here! Quickly! Tight deadline!”
The photographer grabbed Peter by the arm and dragged him in front of the cardboard Empire State Building.
“Woah woah woah!” Peter kept almost tripping over himself as the guy dragged him. This was awkward.
“Let me check skin tone.” He fired off a few shots before Peter could even process what was happening. He blinked the flash spots away in confusion as Riccardo yelled “show me spider pose!”
It was then Peter realized he was kind of afraid of this guy. He easily could be part of the Italian mafia. He had a scar on his face and several gold rings. Wait. Had he seen this guy before? He was pretty sure he’d busted this guy before.
“Now!” Riccardo snapped.
Peter fell into a couple of his classic Spider-Man poses as the camera flashes continued. It was a challenge not to appear terrified of this photographer. After a few minutes, Peter started feeling uncomfortable (well, more uncomfortable than he already was).
“Um. C-can I use the bathroom?” He raised his hand as if he was in class. He wanted to smash his head into the cardboard Statue of Liberty. Michelle was right. He was dumb.
Annoyed, the photographer pointed in the direction of the bathroom. “Quick!” Riccardo shooed him away as he scrambled to grab his phone and duck into the small restroom. He was too flustered to be mad that there was a perfectly private bathroom he could have changed in earlier. He locked the door and called Michelle.
“Hey! How’d it go?” She greeted cheerfully - well, as cheerfully as deadpan-MJ could get.
“It’s still going, but I don’t know, Em. It’s starting to get kinda weird.” He bounced impatiently. “The interview is over and I’m doing the cover shoot and I’m still in my underwear and I’m pretty sure this photographer is a drug dealer I’ve busted before and-”
“Calm down. Where are you?”
“Come help me! I forwarded the interview details to you last night.” He started pacing.
“Wait, did you say you’re in your underwear?” There was a sly edge to her voice.
“Yeah?”
“Can I see?”
Oh, she was not smirking right now. He could hear it all in her tone; she was enjoying getting him worked up.
“MJ! Not now! I’m freaking out!”
“Why not? I’m in mine.” Peter froze and genuinely contemplated switching over to FaceTime. He shook his head and let out a noise he was sure Michelle could only hypothesize was an anxious shriek. “Oh for Pete’s sake, I’m just joking. Hold on, I’m pulling up the email.” She reassured him.
“Yeah, for my sake! For my sake don’t joke about that right now!” A pause. “Wait, are you really just in your underwear?”
“Parker!”
“No, right. Not important right now.”
“Peter… Peter, did you read through this email?” Michelle turned serious all of a sudden.
“Yeah? Is the address not on there? Cause I could just get Ned to ping my location and-”
“Peter. You didn’t schedule an interview with The Daily Bugle.”
Peter started pacing again. “What? Yes I did. I’m here right now.”
“Oh my poor sweet, sweet Peter…” Michelle wasn’t so serious anymore. She actually sounded kind of… amused?
“What?! What did I do now?!”
“You scheduled an interview with The Daily Bulge. Pete, you asked for a mature interview with a sex magazine.”
He watched his bug eyes widen in the mirror as he felt the blood drain from his face. “WHAT?!”
Michelle couldn’t hold back her laughter any longer. It didn’t sound like she was laughing, but Peter knew when she found something really funny she would do this cute gasp laugh thing, which she was embarrassed about but he always found it adorable. Except right now it wasn’t as adorable. “Oh, Peter!”
“This isn’t funny! This is so so bad! Oh my god, no wonder the interview questions were weird!” He facepalmed. “Oh fuck. Oh, fuck this is so bad.” His eyes somehow got wider in realization. “Oh SHIT, MJ! She asked if I was a swinger!”
Michelle started laughing harder, but managed to spit out a “what did you say?!”
“I thought she meant swinging through the city! I said it was exhilarating!” Peter heard a thump, which was probably her falling to the floor in hysterics.
Michelle wiped the tears from her eyes and tried to compose herself. “Oh my god, I am never letting you forget this. Ever. I gotta tell Ned!”
He tried to tell her specifically to not tell ANYONE about this, but she had already hung up on him. This was just great. Perfectly swell. He was trying to fix his reputation as Spider-Man, not make it worse!
He had to get out of there.
He quickly left the restroom and started pulling his suit on. “I’m… I’m s-sorry but I really gotta go! There’s an emergency situation… with… drugs… I mean, mafia. Warehouse?” Oh god, he was making this even worse. He could see Riccardo narrowing his eyes in suspicion. He was asking for a death sentence at this point. “Not, n-not you, of course! You’re just a photographer! They’re calling me! I gotta help get the… the thing out of the thing!” He zipped up his suit, pinching his finger in the process, and started storming through the cardboard buildings.
“Wait wait! One with suit on please!”
Peter stopped and posed for a short moment before fleeing. If he had any miniscule amount of luck at all, they would use that photo instead of the underwear shots. He really had to get home and figure out how to beg them to not run this story.
He quickly made his way over to Michelle’s (only running into a few things on the way) and slipped into her room, where she was waiting for him on her bed smirking like the cat ate the canary.
“So… how’d it go?” She set down some book called Confessions of a Stripper, which he knew she must have bought after he called just so she could continue to push his buttons.
Peter wanted to die on the spot.
“Oh my god, it’s out! This is the happiest day of my life!” Michelle squealed as she pulled up the article on her phone.
After Peter showed up at MJ’s apartment last night, she ended up distracting him with some activities (she hadn’t been lying about her wardrobe on the phone) and Peter nearly forgot to beg The Daily Bulge (ugh, how could he have fucked up reading THAT badly?!) to pull the story. If they saw his emails or listened to any of the dozens of messages he left them, he wouldn’t know. It looked like they ran it either way.
“Let me see! Let me see!” Ned tried to snatch Michelle’s phone out of her hand, but she still had some height on him.
“I’ll send you the link!” She said as she swatted his hand away.
“Yes, please share the link. Enjoy my dumbassery and embarrassment! This is totally not the worst thing to ever happen to me!” Peter put his face in his hands as he could feel his blush spreading from the tip of his ears down to his toes.
“Aw, come on Tiger, you look great!” Michelle beamed as she scrolled through the article. He groaned as she used his special nickname in front of Ned, who was definitely going to blackmail him about this later. Great. Could this get any worse?
Ned mouthed ‘tiger?’ then started cracking up on the other side of the room. “Peter, how did you not realize this was a sex magazine?”
“Oh, shut up porn-guy-in-the-chair!” Peter fired back.
Michelle giggled next to him. “Smooth. You really showed him.”
Peter laid back on his bed and groaned into his pillow. “Just kill me. Do you think I can be un-un-snapped?”
MJ slapped him in the arm.
“No, I like having you here, dork. Plus, it isn’t that bad. You definitely did not come off as immature. Mission accomplished.”
Peter grabbed her phone and webbed it to the wall. “Stop enjoying this!”
“Ohhh, Sexy-Spidey is whipping out the webs already? I don’t even have you down to your boxers yet.” Michelle teased. “It was sweet of them to let you keep the underwear, by the way. Let’s see them, Parker!”
Ned froze and glanced between them, revulsion crossing his face. “You guys are gross. I’m out.” He scrambled out of the room. Michelle fell into laughter again once she heard the apartment door shut. She had never seen Ned haul ass so quickly before.
She turned back towards Peter.
“Just because you webbed my phone doesn’t mean I won’t save that photo as my screensaver.”
Peter removed the pillow from his face and glared at her. “Maybe I should web up your mouth.”
“Kinky.” MJ supplied. Peter’s face started turning purple. Once she calmed down, she started rubbing her boyfriend’s arm soothingly. “Pete, it’s really not that bad. It’ll blow over soon enough. There’s bound to be some hardcore crime activity for them to focus on any minute now. It’ll be fine. You’ll get through this. I bet people don’t even read that trash magazine anyways.” Peter sighed and looked up at her, finally starting to relax. Of course she was right. This would blow over soon enough. “Although, I did purchase several print copies of this issue.”
“MJ!” Peter whined again.
“Relax. It’s only a big deal if you make it one.” She glanced at his phone as it started ringing. Pepper Potts was displayed on the caller ID. “Maybe she can fix this. She’s good.” She passed him the phone. “Plus, I still love you no matter what, doofus.”
Peter couldn’t help but smile like a lovesick puppy at that. He never got tired of hearing those three words from her. “I love you, too.”
“PETER PARKER!”
The smile was wiped quickly off of his face as Aunt May stormed in. Oh shit.
“What is this?” She tossed him today’s copy of The Daily Bugle. Michelle squeezed his hand in reassurance as he hit decline on his phone. One catastrophe at a time. He flipped over the paper to read the headline.
TIKTOK STAR SPIDER-MAN: PROTECTOR OR PERVERT?
Fuck.