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The night had been filled with nothing except joy and celebration. There’s been laughter for hours, crying, and so many family hugs that Pepa had lost count within the very first minute. The mood had truly been at the very top. and several rainbows had been hovering over the Casita during the entire night, truly showing Pepa’s excitement.
Today during dinner, Pepa’s sister had revealed that she and her husband were expecting their first. Pepa had of course been overjoyed for Julieta and Agustín, truly feeling the excitement over the fact that they would become parents, while she would become a tía. Why wouldn’t she be excited, when the family was growing?
Yet, even though she was over the moon for her sister, there was still an itch under her skin, and she had felt a hurt inside of her when Julieta had announced her pregnancy. It had awakened a want in her, and there was nothing more that the woman desperately wanted than to have her own baby. She wished it had been her sitting there at the dinner table, proudly announcing their baby to the rest of their family, and not Julieta. Just like Félix and her had planned to do it almost two years ago, just for her to miscarry a few days before the announcement.
If they hadn’t… they would have had a one year old at this point.
After the loss, Pepa had been too terrified to actively try again, afraid of another loss, afraid of feeling the excruciating pain of grief once more when it had almost consumed her whole the last time. Yet now, when Julieta had announced her first baby, Pepa’s longing for her own child came back stronger than ever, practically hitting her in the face until she almost fell over.
The tension grew by the hour, and when she and Félix were about to retire for the night she was frantically running her fingers through her braid as she bit her lower lip, trying to find something to ground her to reality to stop her from getting overwhelmed. When the door to their room is closed, she walks straight up to their bed and jumps into it, not even bothering to take her dress off, just wanting to feel the soft texture of her sheets and the familiar and calming scent on Félix’s pillow.
She bites back a sob, and the next second she feels the weight of the bed shift with a creak as Félix sits down beside her.
“Mi vida, are you alright?”
Pepa can hear his concern in his voice from miles away, and before he has any time to say anything else, she’s in his arms as she embraces him tightly.
“I want what they have, Félix, I’m so jealous of Julieta,” she tells him and does her best to speak in coherent sentences. It doesn’t work that well, the woman stuttering through everything. “And I hate myself for this. I should be happy for my sister, but I’m just mad it’s not me! I want a baby more than anything, I want to have a baby with you and be a mamá. But I’m also terrified… of losing another one.”
Her heart aches as she remembers the horrible day, and she knew from deep within that she wouldn’t be able to handle another loss like that. One had been one too many, and it would be a wound she never truly healed on, even if she had moved on as best as she could. You don’t forget something like that, the child you might have had.
Félix presses a kiss onto her forehead as he runs his hand over her back in a repetitive circular motion he knew helped her calm down.
“You want to have a baby?” he asks, and she nods into his side.
“Yes I do, more than anything.”
“Mi vida, I know it must be terrifying, especially after what happened last time. I’m scared too. I wish I could promise you that what we experienced will never happen again, but I can’t, because life can be unpredictable and cruel. But I want you to know that I’m here for you through everything that might happen, you won’t ever have to do anything alone. And if you feel like you’re ready to try for a baby again, I’ll be there every step of the way and give you all my love and support.”
“I do want a baby now. I feel ready, it’s less of a want and more of a need . I want a baby so badly it hurts, for us to finally have a family of our own. I don’t want my fear to hold me back, but I’m still terrified.”
Félix presses another kiss on her forehead, and then moves one of his hands up towards her face. He wipes the tears off her face, and then places a few stray strands of hair behind her ear as he gives her a sweet, loving look.
“It’s okay to be scared. But Pepa, if you want a baby, I’ll give you a baby. Nothing is more important to me than your happiness, and I would love to finally start a family with you too. Our own little child, just imagine, they would be close in age to their primo and they would grow up together.”
Pepa lets out a dreamy sigh, and at once her heart feels a lot lighter as she thinks back to her own childhood, countless happy memories flooding her mind and filling her with warmth. When she closes her eyes, she sees herself, Julieta and Bruno. The triplets had been inseparable, and she could have never asked for a better family, for two better people to grow up alongside her.
She really wanted the same for her possible future child. A happy childhood with a loving family and children their own age to grow up alongside. If she got pregnant now… they would truly be close in age, being each other’s company.
“They’d be like siblings…”
“You’d be a wonderful mother, mi vida. If you feel ready… we can…”
“Tonight?”
“Why keep it off any longer if it’s what you want? But if you still want some more time, then we’ll wait.”
She nods and pressed a kiss against Félix’s side as she nuzzles herself closer into him.
“I’d… really like that. Start trying, I mean. I’m still scared, but I want this more than anything in the world. Our baby… I want us to have a sweet little baby in our arms just like Julieta will in a few months.”
“I’ll be there for you every step of the way.”
“I know you will. I trust you and… you’re making me feel brave enough to try. I love you so much Félix, and I want the whole world to know that.”
“Pepa…”
She kisses his side once more, and she hears how he lets out a startled whimper as she begins to unbutton his shirt.
“Please Félix, give me a baby.”
With her words, their lips are sealed in a kiss.