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It was all his fault.
He had seen the way Miss Edwina’s face had crumpled in grief as he rushed up the stairs of the Danbury house two at a time, his mind separated from his body. He had heard the scream escape Lady Mary’s throat when her eyes caught sight of the blood on his hands, taken from Kate’s wound when he’d been applying the initial pressure.
It was all his fault.
If he hadn’t taken liberties with Miss Sharma the evening before, she wouldn’t have felt the need to go on a ride in the park in the pouring rain to clear her thoughts. If he hadn’t continued his foolish courtship of Miss Edwina and listened to his sister, they never would have had the interlude in the gazebo in the first place.
It was all his fault.
When the doctor had snapped at him to let him work, Anthony’s mind had snapped back into place, the severity of the situation crashing down on him in one fell swoop. Benedict was next to him, having appeared out of nowhere, concern etched all over his face. Anthony’s stomach twisted in fear as he turned to his brother, eyes conveying the foreign emotions he was feeling. On the other side of the room, Miss Edwina clung to Lady Mary, their eyes glistening with tears.
“It’s my fault.” Anthony breathed softly, only for Benedict to hear and no-one else. “It is all my fault.”
Without another thought he pushed past his brother and left the room, needing to put as much distance between himself and the mess he had created.
*
At first, Anthony did not wish to visit out of fear. Fear of what he would see when he walked back into Kate’s bedroom to find her on her sickbed. Fear clawed on his insides, tearing him apart from the inside out and not even his account books could provide a welcome distraction.
It had only been a few hours since he’d left the Danbury home, there was no way of even knowing if the doctor had managed to stabilise her.
Secondly, Anthony did not wish to visit out of respect for the family. The family he had carelessly torn apart without ever truly meaning to. It had never been his intention to cause a rift between the two sisters, over him no less. Anthony was the least deserving man of such a thing, out of all the men for the sisters to fight over, why did it have to be him? If he were to show up on the Danbury doorstep, flowers in hand, would they even let him inside after all he had done to their family?
If the roles were reversed, Anthony could say with certainty that he would not let them over the threshold.
Yet even with all of his thoughts convincing him not to, Anthony still found himself on the porch of Lady Danbury’s home, tulips clutched in his hand as he patiently waited to be allowed inside. It did not take long for the doors to open, for him to be welcomed inside and greeted by Lady Danbury herself, who looked as though she had not slept since he’d brought Kate home.
“Lord Bridgerton.” Lady Danbury greeted him with a nod of head. “I did wonder if we would be graced by your presence.”
“If I am not welcome-”
“Lord Bridgerton.” Lady Mary’s voice cut Anthony off and his body turned away from Lady Danbury to face her as she slowly descended the stairs. “I am so glad you called in, it allows me the opportune chance to thank you for saving my daughter in that park yesterday. Had you not been there, I would not like to think of what might have happened.”
Anthony winced and the clawing feeling of fear returned. What might have happened had he not followed Kate into the park had crossed his mind far too many times over the last twenty four hours. He had to remind himself that had, in fact, been present and brought Miss Sharma home.
“It is not necessary Lady Mary-” Anthony began. He did not wish to be thanked for something he inadvertently caused, even if Lady Mary was unaware of the fact. He was sure his unstable emotions would not be able to handle it. “I did what anyone would have done in such a situation, I would hope.”
Lady Mary reached the final step of the stairs and approached Anthony with caution, her skin dark around her eyes signifying lack of sleep. “She is stable,” Lady Mary voiced the very answer to the question that was burning on Anthony’s lips. The question he had been too afraid to ask. “You may see her, if you’d like. She is not awake, but I’m sure she would appreciate your presence nonetheless.”
Permission had been granted and that was what Anthony had been waiting for. He never would have asked for it, never dared, but he hadn’t needed to ask. Slowly, he ascended the stairs and walked the length of the corridor leading to Kate’s bedchamber. He paused by the door, glancing into the mirror as his gaze landed on Kate, still unconscious on the bed, but looking much more comfortable.
Finally, Anthony stepped into the room and made for one of the chairs by Kate’s bed, sliding into one and letting his eyes flit over her peaceful form. With a shaky breath, Anthony reached forward and took Kate’s hand in his own, feeling the warm skin of her palm against his cold and clammy one.
She was alive.
She was breathing.
She was alive.
It was with those thoughts in his mind, that for the first time in ten years, Anthony Bridgerton let himself cry.
*
Sadness was an exhausting emotion, Anthony quickly realised as his tears subsided and he was left with a sharp pain in his head. He had yet to let go of Kate’s hand, which was still clasped firmly in his own, his thumb moving over whatever part of her skin it could reach. His eyes were trained on the rise and fall of her chest, focused on her breathing patterns should they drastically change.
He’d never felt so on edge in his entire life.
There was nothing but the sound of Kate’s steady breathing in the room, leaving Anthony with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company, something he did not particularly enjoy. There was nothing to distract him here though, and there was very little anyone could say or do to make him leave, therefore he would have to make peace with those thoughts.
If finally allowing himself to express his feelings was surprising to him, it had nothing on what followed those tears.
Anthony Bridgerton, through tear glazed eyes, looked up at Kathani Sharma and spoke up about his past. Verbally.
“I was not sure if I was going to be able to see you.” His voice was hoarse, quieter than it had ever been, but he continued on, unable to stop. “The fear I felt when I watched you fall from your horse matched the same fear from that day my father- my father passed on. Every part of me was screaming ‘it is not her time yet, it is not meant to be her, this was not how this was meant to end.’ The thought of losing you before even having the chance to tell you how I truly feel about you, how I have always felt about you, since that day we raced each other in that park, it was maddening.” Anthony used the sleeve of his jacket to wipe at his face, tears soaking through the material. “The fear of coming to see you, to be told the worst news imaginable, almost kept me away. Yet, here I am. I could not stay away. I could not leave you.
“That night in the library, when I explained to you that my father was stung by a bee, that that sting was the cause of his death. I had never voiced that to anyone. The news spread, of course, at the time but as the years passed occasionally someone would ask how he passed away. I never told them, never provided them with an answer. Until you. You once told me I spun your world off its axis and perhaps at one point I would have said the same, but I would have been wrong. You haven’t spun my world off its axis Kate, in fact it was already spinning and I was unable to catch my breath. You anchored me.”
Anthony let the words settle in the room, his shoulders feeling slightly lighter, as though voicing his thoughts and feelings had lifted a giant weight from them.
“I need you to be alright, Kate. I need you to wake up. Please.”
Kate slept on.
*
“Lord Bridgerton?”
Anthony must have started to doze off as the sound of Miss Edwina’s voice by the door jolted him into an upright position. He turned his head towards the doorway, indeed finding Miss Edwina standing there, a concerned expression on her face. It took him a moment too long to realise he was still holding Kate’s hand.
“My apologies, Miss Edwina,” Anthony reluctantly pulled his hand away, placing it on his thigh. “Please do not let my presence here keep you from seeing your sister.” The silence that stretched between them was uncomfortable, but Anthony refused to address it. It was, after all, his fault in the first place.
Edwina stepped over the threshold and into the room, her eyes instantly seeking out her sister with hope, only to be disappointed when she realised Kate was still unconscious. It was then that her focus turned to Anthony. “My Lord, perhaps we can use this time alone to…finally burn the romantic bridge between us, so to speak.”
Of all the things Anthony expected Miss Edwina to say, that was not on the list. His eyebrows rose in surprise before he composed himself and gestured to the chair on the opposite side of Kate’s bed. Edwina nodded her head once and passed him, settling into the chair with her hands in her lap.
“Miss Ed-”
“Do you love my sister, Lord Bridgerton?” Edwina asked, her voice sharp and to the point. Her voice was aimed at Anthony, but her gaze was focused on her sister. “I want you to understand that I love my sister very much, and it has been brought to my attention that she has been putting our mother and my needs far above her own, including her happiness. I will also not sit here and pretend that the actions from both my sister and yourself have not hurt me so, because they have, but I want you to know that Kate is all that is good in this world and I will not idly sit by and watch you break her heart.”
It took all of Anthony’s self control not to allow his jaw to slacken in shock of her words.
“I believed myself to be in love with you, prior to our failed nuptials, Lord Bridgerton. Now, after days of reflection I have come to realise that it was mere infatuation, the thrill so to speak. I have also come to accept that you never did see me as someone who you may have fallen in love with. I may be wounded, but I am not someone who would begrudge my sister for pursuing a relationship with you, if that is what she so chooses. Love, as we have all come to realise, does not play by the rules.” Edwina turned to face Anthony then, eyes full of emotion. “So I will ask you again and I would appreciate an honest answer. Are you in love with my sister, Lord Bridgerton?”
If Edwina had asked Anthony the very same question on the day of their failed wedding, he would have denied it. He would have insisted that what he felt for her sister was a mere lapse in judgement, nothing more. Fleeting passion.
Now Anthony knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he was in love with Kathani Sharma and he was no longer willing to deny it.
“I am.” Anthony confessed, watching Edwina’s reaction closely. “I believe I have been in love with your sister from the moment I met her, even if I was reluctant to admit it to myself. Even now, the very thought strikes fear into my very soul.”
Edwina blinked, “May I ask why you are so adverse to falling in love, Lord Bridgerton? Why does the thought frighten you so?”
“When my father passed, my mother was inconsolable. The love she had for my father was so strong, when she lost him a part of her was lost too. I witnessed her change with my very eyes and I swore to myself that I would never place myself in such a position. Loving someone so much to the point of wishing to die along with them, consumed by grief? I did not wish to put myself, or my future bride, through that torment.” Anthony felt fresh tears prickle, but he forced them away. He could not lose control in front of Miss Edwina. He did not deserve to.
“Even love takes us by surprise,” Edwina whispered. “Appears when we least expect it, and even the strongest of souls is unable to ignore it.” A smile graced her lips then, “I believe you and my sister will be incredibly happy together, if you allow yourselves to be. Now that I am not clouded, I cannot believe I did not see it before. You are what the romance novels would describe as ‘soulmates’. Two souls, destined to be together, no matter the circumstances.”
“She loves you so very much, you know,” Anthony whispered. Edwina had returned to watching her sister, Anthony simply observing the worry in her eyes. “I know you may not believe it, but it was never her intention to hurt you. It was never my intention to hurt you.” His fingers twitched slightly, hand itching to reach for Kate’s once more, if only to assure him that she was still warm and alive. “Earlier, you mentioned not sitting idly by and allowing me to break her heart. Perhaps you should know that Kate said the exact same thing to me about you.”
Edwina’s head snapped back to Anthony, frowning at his statement, “Excuse me?”
The sharpness in Edwina’s voice made Anthony consider retracting his statement, to lie and make up an excuse to avoid having to explain the situation to her. However, one glance into her eyes, to the pain hidden behind her harsh gaze, Anthony steadied himself. “The morning before I came to you, to ask if you would be willing to move the wedding closer. That morning, your sister and I conversed. I was going to call off the wedding, but she convinced me otherwise. She refused to allow me to break your heart.”
“Oh Didi…” Edwina whispered, a gloved hand rising to cover her mouth. It was clear even from the distance between them, that Edwina was crying. “You were willing to sacrifice your happiness for mine. You truly were intending to allow me to marry Lord Bridgerton, regardless of how you felt about him.” She wiped at her eyes with the handkerchief, her expression hardening once more, but still focused on Kate. “When you wake up, you and I are going to have a very serious conversation about this.”
When you wake up.
Because Kate was going to wake up. Eventually.
Edwina leaned back into the chair and picked up her embroidery, a calming silence falling between them. Something had passed between them that afternoon. Anthony found himself reflecting that they might now have truly put an end to anything romantic between them, but he and Edwina had also begun to build a bond which he was sure would be similar to what he felt towards his own siblings.
They remained that way until the sun had set in the sky, and long after that.
*
“Anthony.”
Anthony blinked, turning his head away from Kate towards the door, surprised to see his mother in the threshold, concern clear on her face. He didn’t respond, turning his face away from her and back to Kate, who was still unconscious.
It had been three days. Why was she still unconscious?
“Anthony.”
Why was his mother still here? Hadn’t he made it clear by not engaging her in conversation that he wasn’t in the mood for mindless chatter? There was also the issue of her presence being most likely to attempt to remove him from the Danbury household.
He had been planning on leaving in the beginning. His plan was to spend his days at Kate’s bedside and spend his nights at his bachelor lodgings. A simple, easy to follow routine. Then sunset arrived on that first evening, and Anthony couldn’t bring himself to leave. Edwina vouched for him when Lady Mary suggested he visit in the morning and had continued to vouch for him each evening since.
Anthony had only left the room to relieve himself and he was aware that he was beginning to smell after not bathing, but the fear of something happening to Kate in his absence put any other need to the side. He couldn’t leave her now, he didn’t want to leave her.
“Anthony, please.” His mother’s voice was pleading this time and he finally turned to acknowledge her. “Oh my darling.” Anthony was unsure what his mother saw in his eyes to warrant such a reaction and he was sure he didn’t want to know. “Anthony.”
More tears brimmed under his eyelids and Anthony cursed under his breath. He had been certain that he had cried enough tears to last a lifetime, but apparently he stood corrected. His mother placed a hand on his shoulder and he brought his hands up to his face, violently wiping at his eyes.
“I did not- I do not…this is why mother. This is why.” Anthony let his hands fall from his face and he turned to fully face his mother, “Seeing you, that day with father. The anguish, the pain you suffered in the aftermath. I cannot…I did not want to ever put myself through that. I did not want to put my wife through that sort of pain. That unimaginable suffering that comes with losing…losing the person you love more than anything in the world.”
His mother inhaled a sharp breath, her eyes falling closed for a brief moment before she turned to face Anthony completely. “Losing your father, losing Edmund, was the most difficult time of my life. And the pain that I felt…beyond description.” Anthony squeezed his eyes shut and with the hand not holding Kate’s, he reached for his mother’s hand. “But there is one thing that has given me at least some modicum of solace. It’s knowing…knowing that I would still choose the life I led with him, each and every time.” His mother clasped his hand tight, solid and loving. “And I would still undoubtedly feel the same pain I felt all over again if I had to because real, true love is worth it. No matter what.”
The words cut deep into Anthony’s very soul, both breaking and healing his battered heart. If his mother had given him this very speech before meeting Kate, Anthony would have called her ridiculous, insane even. Yet, now, looking at the woman asleep on the bed, Anthony knew exactly what his mother meant. He knew that he would gladly go through all of this pain again, worse even, just to spend one more second with her. Just to have one more conversation with her.
“I love her.” Anthony breathed. “I cannot leave her mother. I cannot…I cannot leave.”
“I know my darling. I know.”
*
“Lord Bridgerton, I must now insist that you take your leave, even if it is just to simply bathe . I dare say the smell in this room is becoming somewhat pungent.” Lady Danbury stood mere inches from Anthony, her expression serious and stance unmoving.
It had been six days since Anthony arrived at Lady Danbury’s home and though many had attempted to force him to leave, he had remained. It seems as though his luck was running out. “Lady Danbury-”
“I understand, Lord Bridgerton, believe me I do. However I am very much doubtful that when Miss Sharma awakens from her unconsciousness, you would wish for the first thing she smells to be your odour.” Lady Danbury snapped and Anthony winced internally. Perhaps he was in desperate need of a bath and it seems his hygienic needs could no longer go ignored. “Once you have bathed, you are more than welcome to return to the chair you have become most acquainted with.”
Anthony exhaled and after much deliberation, he released Kate’s hand from his own and stood from the chair. His bones cracked due to their stiffness and Newton, who had become a permanent fixture by his feet, glanced up startled from his slumber. “Very well, Lady Danbury, I shall take my leave and return in haste.” He made his way to the door but paused. “If anything changes in my absence-”
“I will be sure you are made aware,” Lady Danbury nodded and Anthony bowed, giving Kate one last glance before making his leave, each step away from her more painful than the last.
*
Kate regained consciousness in stages. The first of her senses to return was her hearing, followed by her touch, smell, taste and finally her sight. Her sister's voice, soft in her ear, begging her to wake up, praying that she would be alright.
What had happened?
Slowly, Kate opened her eyes, settling on the form of her sister, eyes glued to the book in her hands.
“Edwina…”
Edwina’s head shot up, her eyes filling with tears as the book was discarded and she joined Kate at the head of the bed. She let out a sob as she clutched Kate’s hand tightly, turning her head towards the door.
“Mama! Lady Danbury! Make haste!”
Kate could hear the hurried footsteps as Edwina combed her fingers through her hair gently, the bright smile she had missed so much back on her sister's face. “Bon…”
“Dearest?” Mary questioned, out of breath as she crossed the threshold and into the room, her eyes landing on Kate and Edwina informed them she had woken up. Lady Danbury was not far behind, ushering out orders for a doctor to be called immediately before she rounded the bed to Kate’s other side. “Kate, do you remember?” Her mother asked, her gaze solely focused on Kate and Kate alone.
“I remember riding in the park…” Kate started and the moment the words left her lips, the memories came flooding back. “And the fall! Oh Mama, Edwina…I am so sorry.”
Edwina shook her head, her hand continuing to run through Kate’s hair. “You must rest, Didi. Do not strain yourself.”
Kate wanted to obey, she wanted to close her eyes to rest and regain her strength. Yet there was one more burning question in her mind, a question she needed an answer to, if she ever hoped to rest. She turned her head to Lady Danbury, her voice soft. “Did Lord Bridgerton…come to see me?”
Lady Danbury did not hesitate with her answer, “He rescued you, in the park. Gallantly, in fact. He brought you back here several days ago.” There was a smile on her face and Kate forced herself to turn to her sister and mother, both who were also smiling. It was an answer to the question indeed, but not the one Kate was desperate for.
“And since?”
This time it was not Lady Danbury who answered, but Edwina. “Kate, Lord Bridgerton has been by your sick bed every day since the accident,” she explained, squeezing her hand gently. “He’s been so worried about you, Didi. We all have been. You’ve been unconscious for a week.”
A week? Her accident had been a week past?
“I-” Kate blinked rapidly, shaking her head. “Where- where is he now?” She asked, trying to look past Edwina and her mother, hoping to find him standing to the side, giving her space, but there was no-one.
Lady Danbury exhaled, “I sent him home to bathe, if you must know,” she explained. “The smell was becoming most unpleasant.” She walked back around the foot of Kate’s bed, towards the door. “Can someone please inform Lord Bridgerton that Miss Sharma has awoken? With haste, if you may.”
“Please rest, Didi,” Edwina whispered in her ear. “You might have been unconscious for a week but that doesn’t mean you musn’t still feel exhausted. We will all still be here when you wake up. We promise.”
Kate could no longer fight the call of sleep and she closed her eyes, letting the darkness consume her once more.
*
Anthony had not been out of the bath five minutes before there was rapid knocking on his front door, followed by a frantic voice. “Lord Bridgerton, I’ve been sent by Lady Danbury. Miss Sharma has awoken and you must make haste!”
If it had been appropriate and would not have caused a serious scandal, Anthony would have rushed out of his house in nothing but his towel. Instead, as quickly as was humanly possible, he got dressed and made sure his mother’s betrothal ring was secure in his pocket. This time it would end up on the right finger of the right woman, and if Anthony had his way, would never leave.
The footman at Lady Danbury’s house simply nodded as he opened the doors, welcoming Anthony back into the foyer of the home he had spent the past six days inhabiting. He was sure Lady Danbury would ban him from her home for a prolonged period of time once everything had been properly cleared up. Anthony wasn’t sure he could blame her.
He heard the voices as soon as he reached the first floor, echoing all the way down the corridor. Anthony stopped as soon as he approached the open door, but not quite close enough to be spotted.
Then he heard it.
Laughter.
Kate’s laughter.
Kate was awake and only a short few steps away, so why was Anthony pausing at the door, scared to make himself known? He patted his pocket where the ring was nestled and took a few calming breaths. He would step into the room and put his heart on the line, only to hope that Kate returned his affections and accepted his proposal to be his wife.
Anthony knocked on the door causing the laughter to subside into silence, and he took a cautious step into the room.
The layout of the room remained the same as it had when Anthony was forced to leave mere hours ago, the chairs now occupied by Lady Danbury and Lady Mary. Miss Edwina was sat on the bed and Kate…Kate was wide awake, sitting upright and staring right at him.
“Lady Danbury, Lady Mary, Miss Edwina…Miss Sharma,” Anthony, ever the gentleman, addressed all the ladies in the room, leaving Kate for last. “Apologies that it has taken me so long to return I was-”
“Well you certainly smell much better Lord Bridgerton,” Lady Danbury cut him off. She turned to Lady Mary and Edwina, tilting her head to the door in a non-subtle way. “I believe we should allow Lord Bridgerton and Miss Sharma to converse privately. I shall have one of the maids bring tea up for you both.”
Within moments, the door closed behind Edwina and the two of them were alone. Kate sat up more on the bed, her hands placed on the sheets in front of her in what seemed to be a nervous tick. It set Anthony on edge, just slightly.
“I’m glad to see you’re awake,” Anthony started, cursing himself at how hollow the words sounded. He wasn’t just glad to see she was awake. He was ecstatic, relieved, overwhelmed.
“I hear it was you who found me and brought me home safe,” Kate spoke softly, a tone of tiredness in her voice. Even after being asleep for a week, she still looked exhausted and Anthony’s heart ached.
Unable to help himself, Anthony moved to sit down in the chair that he had become so acquainted with, only just holding himself back from subconsciously reaching for Kate’s hand. “I suppose I should be grateful for our very first race in the park. If it were not for that fateful moment, who knows what else could have happened.”
Anthony had spoken the words before he’d even thought them out, that crippling fear taking over his body at the memories of Kate lying still on the grass of Hyde Park, unmoving, head bleeding. The fear of what could have occurred had he not followed her out there, had he not discovered her as quickly as he had done.
It’s all my fault.
He had been so lost in his derailing thoughts that he hadn’t picked up on Kate moving closer, until her palm slid against his own and he was pulled back to the present. Kate was watching him closely, her eyes soft and caring. “Lady Danbury also told me that you remained at my bedside for the entire week I was unconscious. Is that true?”
“Yes,” Anthony nodded, his fingers closing around Kate’s hand, squeezing slightly. “I called on you. The morning…the morning after. I called on you to apologise for being such a fool and not…and not communicating my feelings for you to you sooner. I did not want you to think that what happened between us was a lapse of judgement or a mere…throw of passion. It was not.” The hand that wasn’t holding Kate’s hand reached into his pocket and he pulled out the ring, holding it out to her.
“My Lord-”
“I love you,” Anthony blurted out, cutting Kate’s words off before she could say anything to deter him. He needed to get this out, and then Kate could say whatever it was she needed to say in response. “I have loved you since the moment we raced each other in that park. I have loved you at every dance, on every walk, every time we have been together and every time we have been apart. You do not have to accept it, you do not have to embrace it, or even allow it . Knowing you, you probably will not but you must know it. In your heart. You must feel it because I do. I love you Kathani Sharma.” He inhaled deeply. “I love you and I will humble myself before you because I cannot imagine my life without you. I wish to marry you, Miss Sharma, if you would accept me?”
Slowly, Kate pulled back the sheets and edged her way to the end side of the bed, as close to Anthony as she possibly could under the circumstances. She was smiling. “You know, there will never be a day where you do not vex me,” she whispered, raising her free hand to cup the side of Anthony’s face. “I love you too.”
“You?’ Anthony gasped, his heart beating so fast he was sure it would simply burst from his chest.
“I love you,” Kate continued. “I cannot pinpoint the moment when I realised it but what I can tell you is that it happened slowly, and then all at once.”
“Will you marry me, Kathani Sharma?” Anthony asked once more, holding out the ring towards her, his hands trembling only slightly.
Kate’s smile brightened and with a slow nod of her head, she uttered the words that began the rest of their forever.
“Yes.”