Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

If I could fly
I'd be comin' right back home to you

Max's desk was increasingly full of papers, he glanced sideways and ignored the last one that had been sent to him. He sigh tiredly and continue reviewing next month's budget, the amounts, and the projects that they would finance, but nothing made sense, neither the numbers, nor the programs, nor his life, without her his life was lost. 

He took the folder that was on the table and started his way to her office, as he walked, he began to practice each word in his mind, what he would say? how he would greet Helen? with a hug? or a simple smile in the distance? with each step, His pulse quickened and his feet touched the ground with such insecurity that frightened him, what if she didn't receive him? What if her eyes did not look at him? what would he do without her? That very question he had been trying to figure out for the last month, what would he do without Helen Sharpe in his life, Max was many things, the most important used to be being a doctor until Luna came and he became a father, and until Helen came and he became a husband.

His feet stopped in front of her office, "chair of oncology- Helen Sharpe"  he sighed twice and knocked on the door, he had never knocked on her door before, he always entered without warning, but now he felt that he had lost that right. Nobody opened it so Max knocked again with no response, confused, he tried to open it, but it was closed, his body felt relief knowing that she wasn't there and it wasn't that she didn't want to open it. Frustrated, he ran in search of someone who could give him answers.

"Where is Helen?" His question was full of urgency and need, he needed to see her. 

One month ago

...

I think I might
Give up everything, just ask me to

Max entered the house and found her crying in the corner of the room that overlooked the window, her small body was wrapped as a sign of protection, he could see how she was lost in the view, lost in her thoughts, lost in her pain.

 "Helen" Max whispered

She didn't answer, she kept looking into the distance, not even noticing his presence. That night Helen did not sleep with him, that night was the first of many in which they would be separated, body and soul.

Present

...

" Oh," the nurse said, " Every Friday since last month, Dr. Sharpe leaves early and doesn't come back until Monday"

Where his wife could be every Friday without fail, without him knowing, the truth is that lately, he didn't know anything about her, but the curiosity to know where she was taking refuge from her sadness didn't let him concentrate.

"Do you know where she goes?" He asked  

"No one knows, she just grabs her stuff, makes sure her schedule is clear, and goes out"

Max thanked the little information and went back to his office, if before he couldn't concentrate now less than ever, he wanted to know where she was going, he wanted to be there with her, as he hadn't been before.

Max's phone rang, bringing him back to reality, and if he had known who was calling he might never have answered.

"How I can help ?" Max said with less enthusiasm than he used to

"Good afternoon, Mr. Goodwin, I'm Mr. Brooks the lawyer representing Dr. Helen Sharpe"

His eyes instinctively landed on the papers in his hand, even unopened and unsigned, they caused the greatest weight of his life.

"I wanted to confirm that you received the divorce papers in your office"

As an act of protection, Max took his hand and touched his ring, no one could take Helen away from him, but in fact, he himself had let her go.

"Understood ?"

"huh?" asked Max

"I asked if everything was clear, if you have any questions you should contact me, Mrs. Sharpe asked me to be an intermediary in this process" 

Intermediary? What did that mean? Helen wouldn't talk to him anymore? 

"See you next Monday Mr. Goodwin"

"Yes, thank you," he replied dazedly and hunged up. 

Sitting in his office, he felt the weight of loneliness, again alone, again life was slipping out of his hands. He closed his eyes tightly, wishing this was all just a dream, a horrible dream from which he would wake up to see Helen smiling at his side after a long night of love, but no matter how long or how much he wished this wasn't real, nothing was going to change, she was already gone.

One month ago
...

Pay attention, I hope that you listen
'Cause I let my guard down
Right now I'm completely defenseless

"Babe?" Max said entering their house. 

He had spent the last two days at the annual convention of Public Health Care in Texas, and all he wanted was to see his wife. Luna was with her grandparents in Connecticut, spending an anticipated vacation, and Helen was home alone. 

"Hel, baby," he said checking the main room, but there was no sign of her.

The last time they had seen each other, Helen had asked him to stay, to which Max agreed, however, at the last minute his replacement had to cancel and Max had no choice but to attend. Leaving Helen after everything that had happened broke his heart, and there wasn't a minute that he didn't think of her, her pain, and the future of his family. After checking every corner, he realized that she was not there, Max took his phone and called her, nobody answered, worried, he wrote to his closest friends but nobody knew about Helen, desperate, he began to look for options, clues as to where she could be, he closed his eyes and his greatest fear came, she was gone, it was a certainty, she had gone away from him, Max walked to the room and opened the drawers, her clothes were gone. 

"Helen" he whispered to himself.

Present
...

For your eyes only
I'll show you my heart

The afternoon was longer than he thought, and the papers were still unsigned, there were many things to talk about, things that needed to be fixed, for Max there was still time. He took his jacket and went to the only place where he could feel her close, their roof, Seeing the landscape in the background, he sat in silence, waiting for a signal, waiting for her to come, but she didn't, Helen didn't come just like he didn't go for her a few weeks before.

One month and two days ago
... 

"Helen, love we have to talk" Max left a voicemail for the fifth time, no response, never a response. That night they were both alone, more alone than ever, that night everything changed.

Present
...

On an impulse Max decided to go out looking for her, this time he would do things differently, this time he would not let her go so easily, he looked at his ring and remembered the promise of a better tomorrow he had made, I had failed her. In a rush, Max went downstairs and a flashback ran through his mind. 

One month ago
... 

I'm missing half of me
When we're apart

"Max" Helen's trembling voice revealed what they both already feared.

"Love, I'm here" he tried to assure her in the distance.

"I need you here with me"

That was all she said before breaking down crying.

Max placed his phone away, hurried downstairs, and caught a cab on the way home. Upon entering all was silence, a few steps later he saw her, alone, vulnerable and broken, his heart broke too when he saw her, he had to be strong for both. Max sat next to her and took her body in his arms, gently rocking Helen to assure her that everything would be alright, they remained like that for a long time, seconds, hours, eternities, their hands intertwined, seeking strength in the other to survive. 

Helen cried herself to sleep, and Max cried silently until he saw her rest, he put her to bed, never before had he been aware of how small she was, how fragile and delicate Helen could be. That morning he left, he tried everything to escape from work, but there was always someone who needed Max Goodwin to fix everything, that morning she also left.

At first, it would only be a few hours, and the hours turned into days, two days was all he was away.

Present
...

If I could fly
I'd be comin' right back home to you

Max walked all afternoon aimlessly, ever since Helen left he was aimless. He just wanted to get home, see Luna, and rest, hoping again that everything would be a nightmare and he would wake up with the smell of waffles and the laughter of Luna and Helen, but no matter how hard he tried, that was never the case, thirty mornings ago he has been expecting the same, with no different result. 

He entered his house, the one that used to be theirs, he left the keys on the table and was startled by the silence, where was Luna? where is the babysitter? with a little panic, he called the only person who cares about Luna as him. Helen. Two rings later she answered.

"Hey" 

"Hi" she replied dryly and after a sigh added "It's past time to call Luna, she's asleep" 

Max's brain made a great effort to connect everything quickly

"You forgot, it's my week with Luna, I'll have her until next Friday"

Helen always knew what was on his mind. Since she left, Luna had been the only reason for contact, Helen had made it very clear that she didn't want to see Luna suffer, and would do her best to make the separation process as painless as possible.

One month and Five days ago
... 

Know that I'm just wastin' time
And I hope that you don't run from me

Max's hands were sweating, it was the first time he had seen her since that morning, Helen was back, but she wasn't the same Helen. His baggy eyes showed her lack of sleep, her dry lips and her mouth devoid of a smile, she was wearing her hair up, and her favorite blue coat, Helen looked at him for a few seconds, he could see the pain in her eyes, Max would give his whole life to give her the happiness she deserves, he would give his life to see hope again in her eyes, to see that she still trusted him.

"Mum" Luna ran into her arms

"My little girl" Helen hugged her tightly, and Max could see the tears in her eyes

" I've missed you a lot" she kissed Luna's cheek "I love you my life," she said accommodating a strand behind her ear "ready to spend a few days with mum?"

"yep,"

"I'll bring her back on Sunday or if you prefer you can pick her up on Monday after school, we'll talk about the details later"

Max nodded and watched them walk away, his whole world slipping away from him. The day before, Helen had told him that she would return, but not home and not with him, it was a confusing call that he only remembers fragments of.

"I can't go home" 

"That was the last try"

"I'm fine" 

"I'm on my way to a hotel" 

"I can't stay there" 

"We'll talk later"

" You promised" 

" I woke up and you weren't there"

" I'm tired"

" No more chances max "

Present
...

"Max," She said bringing him to reality

"Huh?"

"Do you want me to wake her up?"

"No, it's okay, give her a kiss, tell her, daddy loves her so much"

"I'll do it, she will be happy"

Both knew the conversation was over, even so, none of them hung up, only their strong breaths could be heard, nervously revealing how much remained to be said. A few seconds later Max took courage.

"Helen"

On the other side she closed her eyes, his voice did not lose its effect on her, a thousand years could pass and her insides would always be filled with butterflies every time she listened to him, her skin would respond by bristling and she would lose the strength she had been gathering.

"No" she answered quickly, more for her than for him, she couldn't afford to give in.

"Burden me," he said in a whisper, using the last card he had left.

"Have a good night Max" she ended the call

That night no one slept, Max thinking that he had lost her forever and she creating new walls to protect herself.

I can feel your heart inside of mine
I feel it, I feel it
...

Monday came quickly and both had to meet for the final conciliation, the entire divorce process had happened in the blink of an eye. Max looked at the time, he arrived on time, ironically he arrived on time to the place where he least wanted to be, he went up the stairs and entered the office, a small office with lots of light, she still had not arrived, maybe with some luck she would regret, seconds later, her lawyer arrived. Max had heard him several times on the phone but had never seen him, not because of the divorce but her lawyer gave him the impression that he was enjoying his pain while they separated, but perhaps they were just perceptions.

The echo of her heels made him tense, and seconds later Helen entered the room, she was wearing a black tube skirt and a green blouse, in another moment of life he would have complimented her until she blushed, Max looked at her hand, the ring was still there, a ray of hope lit up in hin, well, ignoring the fact that he was in a conciliation room to get divorce.

"Dr. Sharpe," said the lawyer, with a much more friendly tone than Max would have liked. She greeted him with a smile, but Max knew that wasn't a true smile.

Helen took a seat in front of Max, and finally, her eyes met his, they had a million conversations in just seconds, completely ignoring the lawyer, they had always had this ability to be alone among people, to find each other no matter the world. Max looked at her deeply, his blue eyes looked tired and begged her to let them rest, with two blinks and a sigh he apologized, and a tear that he did not let fall was the seal of a new promise, give me one last chance. Helen stared at him in a daze, filled with fear, resisting her own urge to throw herself into his arms, but it was only when she saw his tear that she discovered a greater fear within her, a life without Max.

The lawyer's voice brought them back, "You must sign here" he repeated for the third time, and neither moved. 

He cleared his throat uncomfortably and passed the pen to Max, he took it, but remained even more still than before, staring at her, taking her back to the happiest moments of both of them, reminding her how much history lay behind.

Max extended the pen to Helen, she sighed in anguish, she did not move, she looked at the pen and at Max several times, she stopped her gaze on her husband, under the table she moved her hands restlessly, outlined her wedding ring and subtly tried to remove it. She couldn't, she wouldn't leave, just as Max wouldn't leave her life either. For a moment she was filled with fury, why couldn't Max just sign? why couldn't she sign? They both passed saliva, and the silence began to be more noticeable, Max gave her a half-smile, he knew that she was doubting, that Helen still loved him, she didn't answer, she didn't gesture anything, But inside her heart was wallowing.

"I must go, send us everything by mail and we will sign it," She said getting up, to continue there would be torture that she was not willing to live.

Max watched her leave, relieved of the result and with a new desire to get her back, however, he didn't follow her again, when he wanted to go after her to talk, to kiss her, she was already gone.

Friday

... 

And I hope that you don't run from me

One more week and nothing had changed, he continued with accumulated work, and without signing the divorce papers, she had not signed them either, both delaying the final farewell, lengthening the dream of having been together, squeezing until the last second of being tied together.

It quickly became Friday, Max had been thinking all week about this day, first because he would see Luna again and second because he would follow Helen, this time he would go for her. He went down quickly to her office, only to find it closed, she wasn't there, she was already gone, once again Helen was slipping out of his hands.

On the way to the reception, he asked everyone about his wife, nobody knew anything, she left no trace, not a note, Max closed his eyes in horror, little by little she returned to being the traveling woman, the Helen who fled, the one who was alone, the Helen without a home, and little by little he became Restless Max again, Max in search of happiness, this time the lost happiness.

He walked defeated towards the NA exit, looking for a trace of her, looking for her heels, for her perfume to follow, nothing, Helen was gone. Frustrated, he took his head in his hands, sat on the floor, in the middle of the entrance to the most important public hospital in NY, he looked at the sky for help, begged with all his might for a new opportunity, dropped his body and the tears wet his hands, he dried his eyes quickly but again his pain was overwhelming, Max didn't even cry from his eyes, he cried from his soul.

Helen Sharpe, he heard saying in the distance, he blinked several times trying to differentiate reality from his illusions, Helen Sharpe, he heard again, and his body reacted before his reason, and in a few seconds, he was already next to a stranger.

"Are you looking for Helen?" He asked in a daze

"Yes, she gave me this address, Dr. Helen said to pick up some things here and take them to this address today, but nobody wants to help me"

This was his chance, the one he was looking for, the last one.

"I'm Max Goodwin, medical director, tell me how I can help you, what you should pick up and where we will take it"

"Dr. Helen said that I would collect this list of medications and supplements here," he said handing Max a piece of paper

It was definitely Helen's handwriting, but the list was endless. Max hesitated for a few seconds, but if there was someone he blindly trusted, it was Helen, if she had asked for all that, he would give it to her.

"Follow me"

They filled an entire truck with all kinds of medications, bandages, supplements, and even crutches and wheelchairs. They set off and if all went well Max would finally see Helen again.

Helen was sitting, contemplating the view of that place, it was not the best landscape but they had the best sense of hope, a mural made of hands of different colors and sizes, at its back the sun shining, no clouds in the sky.

This week had been especially hard, a month had passed since everything changed.

One month ago

...

The last IVF attempt had failed, and although Helen had tried for a long time to convince herself of this result, hearing it from others broke her insides, four failed attempts, years of injections, hormonal and emotional changes, and all the result was nothing, a heap of illusions that had not borne fruit. Her heart shuddered to hear what she already knew, her egg count was getting lower and lower, her body wasn't helping and the fertilized eggs had all been used up, that was her last try, there would be no more. She snuggled into the wall next to the window and began to see the city, at the moment so big for her, so hopeless, so dark, so filled with senseless, she knew she had to call Max, but she wasn't ready, her tears began to run uncontrollably and she didn't fight them, instead a muffled cry let out all her frustration, but it wasn't enough, she was broken inside.

Helen moved her hands to her abdomen and caressed her belly, empty, the pain increased when she thought of all the plans she had made, how her heart assured her that she was going to be a mother, for a moment she felt herself vanish, infertility does that, it erases you in unexpected ways and makes you doubt yourself as a woman. She took her cell phone and called Max, then she remembers crying in his arms until she fell asleep, that night she had nightmares, but when she woke up she realized that the nightmare was real, no baby would arrive, scared she looked for Max's arms, he had gone, he wasn't either. Her heart broke when she saw the empty bed when she felt her empty body and fear paralyzed her in a way she had never felt, she took a suitcase and packed everything she found, that same morning Helen left.

Present

...

"Dr. Helen, good to see you again, you're here early today"

"Yes, today I needed more than ever to come"

The woman smiled complacently, and walked, Helen followed her to the room with the blue door with yellow butterflies, the same room she had been visiting for weeks, at first she thought that an accident had brought her here, but coincidences do not exist and time showed her that she needed to be there to heal.

...

Max arrived at a large house, old and for his taste a bit dark.

"My name is Max Goodwin and we have come to bring this from the NA Hospital, in the name of Helen"

"Of course, Helen said you would come, please enter"

Max wondered for a moment if Helen knew he was coming or the woman was saying it generically, however, he saved his question for later, they took everything down leaving it in a warehouse, and after some formalities, the messenger left.

"Excuse me, but do you think I could see Helen?"

The woman smiled confusedly at his question.

"Who's looking for her?"

Many answers crossed his mind, who was Max to Helen?

"I'm her husband" he replied and unconsciously looked at his ring, they were still together.

They went through the entire construction, something that seemed to be a school, children were playing, jumping, and laughing, and finally, both stopped at a blue door. His first thought was the butterflies, they looked as if Helen had painted them.

Not knowing when the woman disappeared, leaving him alone and Max opened the door in silence without wanting to break the peace he felt. His eyes filled with tears, and he remained in absolute shock seeing Helen in complete splendor, the world stopped for him, and as had rarely happened to him, he was speechless, unable to break the moment, unable to vanish her smile, unable to be the one to bring her back to reality.

In front of his eyes was Helen, with the first genuine smile in a long time, on her chest was a small baby tied in a baby carrier, skin to skin, giving him or her all the warmth that creature needed. At the same time she was paying attention to another little one, according to Max's calculations he should have three months.

"What's up little one, is it time to change your nappy again?" Her soft, motherly voice caused Max the greatest pain and admiration of his life, and he felt even more with her.

Helen began to hum a song while she was taking off the pajamas, he had once heard her sing to Luna, but this feeling of doing it with a baby was totally new, her hands moved with agility, with the security of someone who has been doing this for a long time.

"Yes, I know you want to sleep, but first we must be clean" the baby sobbed softly "I know, I know sweety, It won't be long, I promise"

Seeing her with the babies was a pleasure, a dream, and a reminder of their failed attempts to grow their family, his mind traveled to little Zurah, the softness with which she spoke to her and the ease with which she connected with the baby were the first signs of motherhood that Max saw in her. With Luna as a baby, he could never see her in action, at that moment many things were happening in his mind and heart, but he was sure that she would have been the best mum for a newborn, just as she is now with a schoolgirl, if there is someone who understands Luna completely, even more than he, is Helen, she always knows what to do and what to say, she is a devoted mother, and he is the luckiest to have her. A tear rolled his cheek, he used to be the luckiest of having her.

A loud noise took him out of his thoughts, the baby had thrown a cream away, causing the other little one to cry, Helen moved gently cooing the baby.

"Are you scared? It's scary I know, the world can be scary, but you're okay, you're safe" her voice trailed off "Helen is with you" and Max knew her heart was saying mum is with you.

Max moved quickly and picked up the dropped item, putting it on the changing table right next to Helen's hand. She tensed, and he could feel her tension, his eyes locked on their hands' inches from touching.

"Max," she said without looking at him

"I'm here"

Their eyes met, and she let the tears fall, in that moment Max knew that all this time, what Helen needed was for him not to let her go, not to allow her to lose herself in her loneliness.

"You came," she said in a whisper

"It took me a long time to come back, to find you, but I won't let you go" he slowly took her hand and brought it to his heart

"Forgive me"

"Forgive me" she echoed his words, Max wiped the tears from her cheeks, and Helen melted at his touch.

"Thank you" Max added

They both knew what he meant, Helen had given him another chance, the chance he had begged for that Monday morning, with tears in his eyes. Max believed in coincidences, but he also knew that Helen would never have sent for stuff at the hospital without her being present, that was her signal and he followed. Both remained silent for a few minutes, processing everything that had just happened, there, in an orphanage, in the silence of a nursery, with only the company of two small beings, both had been reunited.

Max brought their foreheads together, careful not to enclose the little boy strapped to Helen's chest, sighing twice, making sure to memorize every second of this moment. Helen traced his face tenderly, detailing each part, making sure to convey how much she had missed him, she gently traced his eyes, tired like hers, she softly opened his eyes, he looked at her

"Iason," said Helen

Max looked at her confused 

"It means healing"

Max smiled softly and she continued

"It's his name" she looked at the strapped baby

"Iason Goodwin" completed he

If I could fly
I'd be comin' right back home to you