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kai was… definitely not doing alright.
of course, no one could blame him. his baby sister whom he loved more than anything had just committed the ultimate sacrifice to save their home and he could do nothing to get her back. so undoubtedly, this was taking its toll on him. in fact, it was taking a toll on everyone in the city, for the death of one of ninjago’s sworn protectors was definitely a hard pill to swallow.
in her memory, everyone in ninjago mourned over the fallen water ninja, which warmed kai’s heart more than any flame he’d ever produced. despite their fallen friend most likely not wanting the entire city being so miserable, she deserved all the tears ten fold.
although through all the tears, he noticed a being who hadn’t seemed to shed a single one. lloyd.
with a clouded mind, kai was able to conclude that he didn’t seem to be phased over the loss of his sister at all. no, not just his sister, their sister. by now he could definitely say he considered them all to be a family, especially him and lloyd, and family weren’t supposed to not grieve over the loss of their siblings.
every morning since her memorial, kai could barely find the motivation to get out of bed, never mind go out on patrol or even get a part-time job like lloyd had ever since crime rates had recently gone down. had it been anyone else, the whole ordeal would've made him furious, but this was lloyd he was talking about. after all he had gone through, he definitely didn’t have all his pieces in place, but kai wouldn’t have had it any other way. so he decided to set his anger aside and let the younger do his own thing instead.
before he lost the motivation to continue to perform his daily tasks, he asked cole about it, about how lloyd could act so normal so soon after everything that had happened. to his query, he responded by telling him that people cope in different ways, and that both kai staying in bed all day and lloyd working an obscene amount of hours doing fsm know what— he couldn’t care enough to look into it— were both completely valid ways on dealing with the lost of a loved one.
although it wasn’t until after that conversation that kai had noticed that not everyone was bedridden and miserable anymore everyday like he was.
he realized that the skies weren’t always a dark and cloudy gray, and that the world was still going on, even without his little sister in it.
he also realized that cole had given him another piece of advice that day. he told him that he should try talking to someone about how he was feeling in order to help him get out of this “slump” he was in. he had tried asking cole to be that someone, for he felt that they had a bond like no other and he would perfectly understand his pain after their long winded history. however, he was surprised to hear that quickly declined, for cole claimed that he wasn’t the right person for the job, and that he should seek guidance from a professional.
but what was the point in talking to some random stranger who couldn’t possibly understand his pain? him and his team knew the kind of bond that they shared after years of sticking with each other through thick and thin, some random professional would never understand. nya was a part of his life for as long as he could remember, and the fact that they had to part so soon was something he didn’t think anyone would be able to comprehend. no one except someone equally as close to her. no one except for her lover. her yin. his brother. jay.
well of course! how had he not thought of it sooner? although jay didn’t grow up with nya, he was her boyfriend, and they had a bond like no other. so of course he would be able to grasp his situation.
although, kai hadn’t talked to anyone much after nya’s sacrifice. hell, his conversation with cole was the first interaction he had with outside of social media after staying cooped up in his room for almost a week straight. so naturally, it took a lot out of him to get out of his bed and actually change out his old and sour clothes— he hadn’t even noticed— into something semi presentable, but once he did, he quickly found himself knocking on the hardwood of jays bedroom door.
“go away lloyd. i already told you i’m not in the mood.”
lloyd? from the other side, kai heard jay groan and to no one’s surprise, he sounded as bad as he expected himself to sound. groggy, voice weak and scratchy from many tears and the lack of usage, and a severe show in a lack of proper hydration. it got him thinking about how he spent so much time wallowing on his own and shutting everyone out, that he hadn’t even thought about how the rest of his family was doing. excluding his actual family, who he had talked to a few days after the incident and shed many tears with, he didn’t at all reach out to the rest of his team to ask how they were dealing with it all.
he thought about all the adventures they had undergone and how much pain had come from them all, and while none of them had managed to hit this hard, they had to understand that this was his sister. he had had to support them since the very beginning, when it was just them against the world, so was his reaction to it all really so bad?
no. of course it wasn’t. cole had spoken to him about it already. he was grieving, but weren’t they all? cole had said that they were all coping in different ways, but the more he thought about it, lloyd’s reaction didn’t seem like coping at all. it just seemed like pure ignorance to him.
no, quit it. getting mad at others wouldn’t solve anything, and the last thing he wanted was to pile more negative emotions onto the ones he had already. although the thought continued to sit heavily in his mind, tainting his morals and twisting his thoughts.
“it’s not lloyd. It’s kai. i want to talk to you about something.”
as he had predicted, kai also sounded like shit. his voice was quiet and hoarse, and even just that small statement made his throat hurt. a quick thought of bringing them both a glass of water flashed his mind, but the idea diminished immediately after, for he didn’t want to look at water at all for a while, even if that meant he had to sacrifice his hygiene.
after jay had seemed to process his words, he heard a small gasp from the other side, and after hearing a whine and the sound of the bed creaking, kai had found himself face to face with none other than jay walker himself.
except as he stared back at the figure before him, it had him wondering if he was even looking at his little brother at all. for this shell of a person certainly wasn’t the spark of lighting he knew for years. he wondered if he looked similar to jay, and if the former was wondering the same thing.
taking in his appearance, he had possibly the worst case of bed head kai had ever seen, alongside heavy bags under his eyes, pale skin, and tear stained cheeks, kai wondered how this could be the same person who loved comics and playing video games all the time. who would love to tinker with new inventions and would even give poetry a spin here and there, causing the other ninja to laugh together once he shared his works with them. was this truly the same jay who always managed to crack a joke even in the worst scenarios and always come out of a battle with a smile? yes. kai had reminded himself.
because this was the same jay who had loved nya.
“..so, what did you want to talk about? i haven’t seen you since..s-since..”
“i want to talk about nya, a-and about how—“
i’m home!”
silence fell between the two brothers, to which kai felt the atmosphere growing heavier as he felt an aggressive aura start to make itself present inside of jay. the faint sounds of zane and cole’s voices welcoming lloyd home from the kitchen were quickly drained out as kai directed his attention back to jay, who grabbed his focus back with a sharp inhale.
“i don’t know if it’s just me, but recently they’ve all been making me sick, and lloyd especially. it’s just that they all seem to be acting so normal even though they all know that nya’s gone and is never coming back! i appreciate zane and cole, they like to leave things outside my door, but all lloyd seems to bring is unnecessary interaction. i mean of course i feel bad for the kid, he’s probably just trying to make things feel normal again, but he needs to understand that things aren’t the way they used to be anymore!”
as jay began to finish, his words started to jank off harshly, being abruptly cut off by his own choked sobs. his voice had also raised significantly, causing there to have been many voice cracks throughout his piece, but that only made it all feel that much more genuine.
by now, kai was trying to figure out if he had made the right decision in coming to jay, for he was starting to cause his emotions to fall into an even greater state of disarray. on one hand, he still felt that jay understood his pain the most, and had even seen how much this was taking its toll on the both on them. but at the same time, was it really okay for both of them to share this mutual feeling about lloyd? surely it had to be, for if both him and jay felt the same way about the former, then it must’ve been his fault, for he wasn’t sure what he would do if it wasn’t.
“c’mon jay, we’re gonna talk this over with lloyd. i don’t care if zane and cole are home, we have to talk this shit out.” he grabbed the boys wrist— since when was he able to wrap his whole hand around it? —and dragged him into the kitchen. upon their arrival, they saw lloyd sitting at the table, talking to zane and cole about his day at work while they worked on dinner. they, as in zane doing everything and cole just passing him the ingredients of course. after a moments standing, the other ninja seemed to notice their presence.
“hello kai, jay, cole and i are working on dinner and it’ll be ready shortly, do you wish to eat with us tonight?”
zane was the first to break the silence, for while kai and jay, but mostly kai he felt, were waiting to state their case, cole and lloyd seemed to be stunned into silence. kai wondered, did this moment of shock come to them through relief over the fact that the two had finally decided to show their faces after almost a week straight? or was it due to mortification over the state they were in?
“jay? kai! i haven’t seen you guys in almost a week! do you want to sit down, i was right about to get to the crazy part in my story. oh but please have some water first, you look as if you could—
…!
everyone quickly got silent while lloyd was frozen in place from where he sat, placing a hand over his now stinging cheek while zane and cole dropped everything in the kitchen. even jay was wide eyed. but kai didn’t care. this was too much. who even was this kid in their house? was this even their little brother anymore? no. the green ninja is no longer any brother of his. not anymore.
the green ninja he knew, the one he swore to protect, would never put kai in the position to feel this way. the green ninja never casts things off to the side and always helped everyone in need of it. so where was he when kai needed him most? all the times where kai put himself second in order fo be there for lloyd, did it all truly mean nothing to him? were those encounters so minuscule that lloyd couldn’t be there for him just this once?
there was a newly found ringing in his ears, it was a siren that was loud and consuming, causing the voices around him to quickly be consumed and washed out. no longer was he aware of zane’s concern or cole’s confusion, nor jays speechlessness or lloyd’s shock, for the voices in his head simply prevailed over all.
they spoke of how he should just pound the blonde's face into the floor right then and there. how his blood would be a perfect make for him, since red was certainly his color. in any normal circumstances, he would’ve never taken his chances against the green ninja, for he was more than aware of the fact that he was much weaker in power compared to the boy in front of him. but he also knew that he reined far superior in physical strength, so he might’ve well have put it to good use.
giving in to the voices in his head, kai practically threw lloyd onto the ground from his seat at the table. as soon as he collided with the floor, he climbed on top of him before anyone could stop him and slammed his fists against his inferior over and over again, putting more force into every swing. blinded by the red taking over his vision, he could only imagine the blonde becoming no more than a bloody pulp due to his hands.
“what are you doing?!”
“get off of him!”
“i thought we were just going to talk!”
he could faintly gather that his teammates were desperately trying to piece the situation together, but they weren’t involved in this and didn’t need to be. this was a matter between him and lloyd.. who didn’t seem to be nearly as defensive as he would usually be. frantic sobbing could be heard from under him, but it wasn’t until after he was physically dragged off of him from what he could tell were cole’s lava arms, that he heard cole had been reluctant to use in fear of inflicting further harm, that his actions had been able to dawn on him.
coming back to his senses, he saw lloyd choking on his own tears and blood, remaining in his sprawled out position on the floor after a failed attempt to curl in on himself as he struggled to sport a broken nose and burn marks all over. oh master, did he actually do that..? he hadn’t even noticed his powers had activated in the heat in the moment until after, when the damage was already done.
staring down at his victim below, he was beginning to feel more and more nauseous the more he took in the scene he caused. throughout all his time as a ninja, and even as an underground street fighter, he had never managed to cause this much damage on a person, let alone his own brother.. oh fsm. what was he thinking? the possibility of not considering lloyd his brother anymore had left him horrified in many scenarios beforehand, so what possessed him to have had such thoughts? his baby brother, the boy who always managed to shine like gold wherever he went, was now reduced to a sobbing mess because of his own goddamn hands.
there was ringing in his ears again, but not by bells of rage, but by those of guilt. pure, gut wrenching guilt. for lloyd, who hadn’t even tried to defend himself, who hadn’t even attempted to pry his brothers hands off of him, was now gasping for air on the floor of their kitchen, getting a mixture of snot, tears, and blood all over, making a mess like a child would.
for fucks sake, lloyd was a child.
a child too pure for a world so cruel. a child who had lost so many his brain didn’t know what to do with the loss of another besides to block out the pain completely. hell, no wonder he had been acting so normal. it was a way to neglect the pain. how could he had been so stupid as to not realize? death is cruel and uncaring, but it’s all a part of life. people come and go. it was only a matter of time before something severe happened on duty, but that was a risk they all took everyday in order to protect the people of ninjago.
still trapped in cole’s grasp, kai tried to pry himself out in order to apologize to the boy. to apologize for being so cruel, and cradle him in his arms, and patch up his wounds, and tell him they would be alright in time. but he quickly gave up after feeling a soft hand he put on his chest. looking up through his own tears and hung head, kai saw jay, giving him a shake of disapproval, silently telling him to drop it.
kai refused to protest.