Chapter Text
A deep sigh.
"You know I can't just let this go again, right? And don't look at me like that. I am more than willing to forgive you, you just have to apologize to me." Chuuya sternly said, not even sparing a look in his partner's direction.
Dazai didn't usually apologize for his mistakes. He could always manipulate the person he hurt into apologizing first and letting him off the bat without having to face his own feelings and having to muster up a genuine apology. That was, up until this moment.
"Take all the time you want, but until then, I'll be in my office. Don't come to me before you're ready to say sorry."
Looking down at his lap like a little kid that got caught stealing candy from the drawer, Dazai nodded slightly as he heard the front door of their shared penthouse shut.
He felt so frustrated with himself.
But he was just as frustrated with Chuuya.
The ginger never got offended from his tricks and pranks nor from the insults Dazai threw his way. So what went wrong today?
Blinking away the tears in the corners of his eyes, he brought his knees up to his chest and hid his face in them.
He knew Chuuya wouldn't be coming back to comfort him for a while. Nor was the brunet a welcome presence in his office for now.
A single tear rolled down his cheek at the thought. Why couldn't he just apologize when Chuuya asked him to? They could have properly talked out the situation, maybe even cuddled to sleep.
Instead, he'd stayed quiet and refused to be corrected about his behavior.
God, he was such a baby.
Dazai reached to scratch at his bandages, fighting off the fresh wave of tears that were threatening to fall.
It was just an innocent jab that Chuuya should have ignored, like he always does. Why did he get so hurt from a simple joke?
The brunet hadn't even realized his nails had slipped between his bandages and dug holes into his actual skin. Not that he really minded it. He wanted to feel the pain. It was a welcome, grounding sensation that kept him away from the cage his mind was trying to close him off to.
Why should he even listen to Chuuya in the first place?
He didn't do anything wrong. Chuuya was in the wrong for being overly sensitive! He had no rights to be punishing him for something that wasn't even bad.
He could just get up and leave too! If Chuuya could leave him alone in their house and tell him not to come to him without an apology, he could too! Who does he think he is??
Realizing the plain stupidity of his thoughts, he sighed as he tried to come up with what he could do to make it up to his lover.
Lover? No, that felt wrong.
Chuuya didn't love him anymore. Chuuya left him alone in the house to rot. Dazai had done something terrible and Chuuya had decided that the cup with years of pent up aggression and hatred towards him had finally tipped. He'd left the younger for good. He was never coming back.
Dazai hurt Chuuya. He had no rights to call him his lover anymore.
Tears prickled at the corners of his eyes yet again. That's all he was good for anymore, wasn't it? Crying pathetically as his life falls apart around him.
He had no rights to be feeling hurt though. Nobody had hurt him. This was just the consequences of his own actions. Of his actions that hurt Chuuya.
He really just liked victimizing himself, didn't he?
His body had been moving on autopilot, it seems, because as he blinked back into reality, he was in front of the bathroom sink with his right arm's bandages off, washing away the crimson that was leaking from the not-so-carefully dug holes in his wrist from his nails.
Splashing his face with some cold water, he turned off the faucet and sunk down against the door of the little room.
He hated to admit it, but he didn't know what to do.
He didn't know how to apologize to Chuuya. He didn't know how to make it up to him either.
He was still in a war with himself whether it was his fault or Chuuya's that the conflict happened in the first place, too.
Dazai exhaled deeply as he plucked the medical kit from the cabinet under the sink and began rebandaging his arm.
Actually, he might as well change all of his bandages.
He didn't have anything better to do anyway, and they were starting to stink a bit.
Easier said than done.
He genuinely couldn't be bothered to even move his hands around to put down the roll of bandages he was holding, let alone finish applying a new set of bandages to the rest of his body.
He'd gotten about halfway through his other arm before he felt the familiar sulking exhaustion hit him full force.
He wasn't doing that anymore, it seems.
Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back until it hit the cold tiles of the wall.
He should really just swallow his pride and go say sorry to Chuuya. He could probably still forgive him and maybe even reward him for being mature and apologizing.
But that would mean admitting he was, indeed, in the wrong, and that he did insult Chuuya. Which, he wasn't and he didn't. His words had been innocent and held no true venom in them.
Dazai slowly closed his eyes as his vision began dancing with black dots, before he completely blacked out.
Without yet having opened his eyes, he recognized the faint feeling of familiar gloved fingers brushing against his left cheek. He slowly leaned into the sensation with a content hum, not thinking too much of it just yet.
And then that same delicate and gentle hand, slapped him hard across the face.
His eyes shot open as he faced the hands' owner with a slightly hysterical expression.
"Don't look at me like that, asshole! What were you thinking?! Just because I'm mad at you doesn't mean I want you dead!"
Dazai lifted an eyebrow, opening his mouth to respond to Chuuya's accusations, but all words seemed stuck on his tongue as nothing really made its way onto the surface.
Or so he thought, as he felt those same gloved fingers reach down his throat, before his body was dragged over to the toilet bowl, forcing him to empty the contents of his stomach.
He thought only stomach acid would come up, as there wasn't really anything for him to purge with how little he had been eating recently.
If Dazai had a little more energy, his eyes would have widened as he saw multiple pills make their way out his mouth and into the water.
Huh.. When did that happen?
But he didn't. He was tired. And so, he just let the older repeatedly make him throw up his stomach's contents, until all that was coming out of him was stomach acid and little splitters of blood here and there.
"You stupid waste of bandages, I won't always be here to save your ass when you go too far with your little 'hobby' you know!?"
Chuuya was furious. His eyes gleamed so gracefully in the dim lighting of the bathroom. Dazai couldn't help but admire them as the other frantically shook him to try and get him back into his senses.
"I don't.. don't remember taking the pills. Promise." The younger muttered, spotting the empty orange prescription bottle abandoned on the corner of the sink. He must have taken them on autopilot, thinking it would help with his inner turmoil.
"I know. Now come on, get up." Chuuya carefully lifted the younger from his spot in front of the toilet bowl and held him up on his legs, working as a walking aid as they made their way back to the couch.
"Am I still not allowed in your bedroom?" Dazai half-whined, expecting Chuuya would have let him pass after the whole accident.
"Just because I'm helping you doesn't mean I forgive you. You're still sleeping on the couch for the night. I'm just not heartless."
"Worth a shot"
"Not really."
Dazai sulked into the far off corner of the piece of furniture, bringing his knees back up to his chest. Chuuya's gaze was burning holes into his head and he could practically feel the anger radiating off if him.
"I don't think I have anything to apologize for."
Chuuya's face scrunched up as the soft red glow of Tainted surrounded him.
"What do you mean you don't have anything to apologize for?! We're not fifteen anymore, you can't just go around teasing me and making fun of my height on the battlefield!Moreso when the organizations we work for are opposing!"
"It's not like they care. And you never did, either.. So I do not see a reason to apologize."
"You could put both of our work and personal lives in danger like this!"
"Am not."
"Can you act your age for at least a minute?! I can't deal with you right now!" Chuuya yelled, before deactivating Tainted and pinching the bridge of his nose in attempts to calm himself down at least a little.
Yelling wasn't going to get them anywhere, that much he knew.
"I'm not sorry."
Well, so much for staying calm and collected.
"And I'm not going to let you stay in my house if you're going to act like this! You don't get to treat me like shit, attempt to guilt trip me with yet more of your suicidal bullshit, and then expect me to give you kindness in return, Osamu. So, what will it be? Apologize now, or get out of my sight."
That seemed to have struck a cord.
Dazai looked up at Chuuya, before looking back down at himself, getting off the couch and making a beeline for the door.