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Mu Qing wakes up with cold sweat beading on his forehead and heart pounding somewhere in his throat, loud and rapid. It startles him. White noise fills his mind with waves of anxiety, seeps through his pale skin and leaves him breathless where he's lying, tucked in the sheets. He takes a breath, he tries to, but it feels like he's having smoke in his lungs, feeling thick and sharp, unbearable.
Then, he remembers.
He remembers Feng Xin's body above him; how he was touching him, and kissing him, and telling him how he loved him. Like a mantra he kept pouring those words down Mu Qing's nervous system, flooding into all the cracks and lacks which Mu Qing knows he's had since forever. He remembers fingers running through his hair and soft touches tracing tangled paths down his body, gentle brushes still prickling under his skin. He remembers how it is, being covered with so much attention and tender affection it brings heat on his face, nips at the tips of his ears and makes his heart go faster.
One beat after another, he tries to focus on anything but this feeling but that's just before his fear recurs. It's a stiffness in his bones, a thorn piercing through him with no mercy.
Mu Qing tilts his head a little bit. His breath is so heavy he can barely hear the rush of the city, living its nightlife dozens of meters beneath his feet.
When he finally gathers courage to properly look to the side, it's like the thorn piercing through him has just done it again, much deeper, much more painful than the first time.
Feng Xin is not here.
The sheet is still ruffled on the other side of the bed, his presence imprinted in the wrinkles on the pillows and mattress where he was lying just before Mu Qing fell asleep in his arms. Mu Qing is too scared to reach further and feel the pillow under his fingertips. He's well aware that if he ever finds out how much time it took for Feng Xin to leave him here, all alone and freezing in the sheets, he might shatter again.
I love you, Feng Xin's voice says within his head and he covers his ears, eyes closed shut at the pricking of upcoming tears. He tries to swallow them down, stabilize his breath so he won't be sitting there so woefully; like an idiot who's expected anyone to be there for him.
A single tear finds its way down his cheek, and it stings against his skin, as if he's just been slapped in the face. He swallows a pathetic sound that crawls up his throat and lets the tears pour. Just what the fuck is wrong with you, he thinks to himself, allowing for his miserable sobs to fill out the emptiness of his room.
He accepts that he's broken. He doesn't even know what he had expected, it all seems blurry now. He went off the deep end. He let himself imagine things. He let himself believe that he could ever have something like this while the truth is, he could never reach that far. Never in his life was he taken care of, never loved and accepted. Too many cracks and lacks , he thinks to himself, his mind blank and at the same time so overloaded. Never in his life has anyone been dumb enough to involve themselves into Mu Qing’s fucked up life. No one would ever want to make so much effort. Mu Qing has to accept that. He has to stop relying on empty words, no matter how true they sound, no matter how sweet they feel.
He's sitting like that in the empty bed, with his hands covering his ears and tears pouring down onto the sheets. Feng Xin touch still feels so real on his skin, so gentle and soft. Mu Qing can feel him everywhere . Why is he so disappointed? Why is it so hard to digest the fact there's never been anyone he can wake up to, no one to hold him through his recurring nightmares, no one to comfort him? Isn't that how his life is? Hasn't it always been like that?
"Mu Qing?"
Mu Qing's whole body goes stiff at the sound of his own name, eyes shutting tighter as he curls up where he's sitting, like a child. It's in your head, it's all in your head, the voice says, he's so pathetic-
"Mu Qing, look at me. Please."
Mu Qing shudders faintly, shiver crawling its way up his spine and has his hair stand up. Then, he obeys.
Feng Xin is sitting right in front of him, very real and very warm ; Mu Qing can feel this warmth against his skin, beaming through Feng Xin's whole body and reaching forward to embrace him.
Mu Qing feels so miserable there's no way he could possibly stop crying even if he wanted to. He's incapable of putting in words and trying to name what he's feeling right now, everything seems blurry from behind his tears. He can only stare at Feng Xin twisted face, follow with his eyes how his jaw clenches, the small wrinkle forming between his brows, eyes glued to Mu Qing's face, looking for something, almost like he-
Almost like he's worried.
"Tell me what's wrong. Why are you crying?" Feng Xin asks and his voice feels like honey on every cut in Mu Qing's heart, his fingers so soft where they hold his face, smeared with tears. Mu Qing can't hold them back any longer. He wants them to stop, but they just keep coming and Feng Xin seems to be devastated at the sight. "Hey, hey, hey. What is it, baby? What's happened?"
Mu Qing can't answer. Not when he can feel Feng Xin's fingers on his face, softly wiping his tears away while the other hand plays with his hair, brushing single locks behind his ear. Not when Feng Xin keeps talking to him this way, full of concern and worry, all just because Mu Qing can't keep his shit together.
Nevertheless, Mu Qing shivers at the simple sensation of feeling loved. It's almost embarrassing to admit.
Instead of answering, he lets the other man pull him into a tight and hot embrace, bringing his hands into his own torso and shoving teared up face into Feng Xin's chest. A shaky exhale leaves his lips along with the waterfall of tears that seems to never stop. Feng Xin’s arms hug him almost immediately, warm skin against his frozen body. Like they're meant to each other.
Mu Qing chokes another pathetic sob.
"What's wrong?" Feng Xin asks him again, just as softly and the question hangs in the air between them.
Mu Wing tries to focus on the sensation of Feng Xin's fingers traveling across the skin on his back. He tries to listen intently to the sound of his heartbeat. He lets out a sob and Feng Xin tightens the hug like it's on command, his hand travels up now and finally finds its place at the back of Mu Qing's neck. Mu Qing feels safe like that. He feels wanted . He wishes it could never end.
It'll end someday , a voice in his head prompts him like it wants to keep him on guard. It always ends .
"You're thinking too much," Feng Xin whispers above him, fingers wrapped in his hair and slowly massaging his skull. "Is everything alright?"
"Yeah," Mu Qing lies, his voice more hoarse than he wants it to.
"Then why have you been crying?"
Mu Qing curls up in his arms. He feels so pathetic.
"It's nothing."
"Please, tell me," one of Feng Xin's fingers follows something on the back of Mu Qing's arm, traveling in circles. It's soothing. "I always want to know if you cry and I always want to know the reason, okay?"
Why, Mu Qing wants to ask but he doesn't and that's just before Feng Xin adds,
"Because I love you. And I care about you. And it's killing me to see you like this and not being able to do anything about that."
Mu Qing deliberately shifts within the embrace, not looking at Feng Xin but turning his face to the side so can see the other man's arm, Feng Xin's chin poking at his head. Everything Feng Xin says goes straight to Mu Qing's chest and floods through him with a wave of alleviation settling down his bones. He can still feel his tears coming but he can finally find his breath through, not choking on it in desperate gasps for air.
He exhales heavily through his nose and for a heartbeat or two, both of them stay in silence.
Then, Mu Qing shifts once again and shuts his eyes closed. He can't help but feel woeful.
"I–" he starts but the other words are pent, stuck in halfaway. He tries again, arms wrapping tighter around the other man's body. "I just– I thought you left and– "
Small movements of Feng Xin's fingers on his back stop abruptly. Mu Qing stops as well. He can feel how the body beneath him tenses, all muscles go stiff and he doesn't know anymore if that's Feng Xin's reaction or his own, like they were dazed.
You idiot, he thinks to himself, feeling how his head goes dizzy. You absolute idiot, why would you even say that? Why would you ever think that someone would want to hear something like that?
His breath hitches when he tries to fight the dizziness to get out from the embrace of Feng Xin's strong arms.
Unless Feng Xin doesn't let him.
Mu Qing barely registers the moment of being pulled back, face of the man above him suddenly presses to his hair as the grips around him tightens abruptly.
"Shit. Fuck. Mu Qing, baby," Feng Xin mutters mindlessly and Mu Qing has no idea what's happening for a few long moments before he's able to collect himself. "I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, baby. I had no idea you'll wake up, I just got up to get some water. I'm not leaving you, I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
Mu Qing feels small. So small he wants to disappear.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, ignoring how Feng Xin shakes his head at his words. "It was stupid, I guess, just– Forget about it."
"No, Mu Qing, you- Shit. Look at me?"
Mu Qing does. It takes him a while, a displeasing knot forming in his stomach as he pulls away to look Feng Xin in the eyes. Feng Xin's hands travel from the back of his head to his shoulders and down his arms, stop at his wrists and interlace their fingers together.
Mu Qing feels embarrassed with his own irrationality. Feng Xin looks worried.
"I don't know what's going through your head right now," he starts and Mu Qing closes his eyes, ready to shake his head. "No, no, look at me. Please. I want you to be fully aware that I meant every word I said, okay? I'm not going anywhere. I want to be with you. And I love you. I'm gonna spend my whole life proving it to you if that means one day you'll believe me."
Mu Qing bravely holds back the familiar pricking in the eyes and shakes his head, finding himself not being able to look away.
His voice is trembling. "And what if I won't?"
"Then I'll keep trying."
"Sounds like you're gonna waste a lot of time."
"Being with you is everything but wasting my time, " Feng Xin answers and it sounds like a promise that could never be more true, striking right into Mu Qing’s heart and accommodating there without his permission. Feng Xin's gentle fingers caress against the back of Mu Qing's hand in circles. "I refuse to ever leave you."
Mu Qing manages to keep his gaze up for no more than ten seconds before he closes his eyes, feeling incredibly wretched. He has no idea what to say. He has no idea what to feel, either, everything piles up within him and leaves him with nothing but a longing of having this forever.
Feng Xin's fingers leave his hand and cup his face instead, thumb brushing his cheek and wiping away a lonely tear that he had no idea was there.
"I love you," Feng Xin says, pressing a single kiss on Mu Qing's forehead.
Mu Qing opens his eyes to look at him, drinking in the sight of the only man who's been able to make him feel that way. He exhales softly and leaps at Feng Xin, shoving his face into his neck, experiencing him with his whole body and mind.
"I love you so fucking much," Feng Xin says again and his voice vibrates against him, a hot breath covering his skin. "You have no idea."
Maybe Mu Qing doesn't. It's difficult to tell, his thinking is dysfunctional under the circumstances and his own ugly deprivation.
But even despite that there's the other thing, and only thinking of it makes Mu Qing feel like home. It makes him feel complete .
"I love you too," he whispers, his voice almost nothing but a rustle in the overflowing silence. It feels so right, like the words were intended to be formed on his lips if directed to the man sitting right next to him. Only him.
Something in the back of Mu Qing's messed up mind tells him that it's always been only him. Always him.
Always Feng Xin.
"Let's go back to sleep, okay?" Feng Xin mutters into his hair and Mu Qing doesn't say anything for a long moment, adjusting to the words, trying to sort them out in his own head.
That's before he can feel Feng Xin's lips pressed to the top of his hair, tenderness of his small movements washing over Mu Qing's whole body, leaving him unable to refuse. "I promise I'll be here next time you wake up."
And just with that one promise, thrown into the space between their clinging bodies along with soft touches settling down on his skin, Mu Qing finally tastes peace .