Archive of Our Own

Eunhyeok wakes up.

Inconvenient, as he will need some other way of killing himself. 

It isn’t the outcome he was expecting nor hoping for. He doesn't want to see the shattered ruins of Green Home, of everything he tried and failed to build before it all came apart. He doesn't want to have to face monster and man in his quest for the nearest sharp object. He certainly has no desire to become a monster himself.

But he is whole. He is unharmed. He draws a cautious breath, and it comes without the scent of blood and dust in the air.

Eunhyeok opens his eyes.

It is, he finds out later, the day that Hyunsu falls down seven flights of stairs and survives. It's the day that they vote on whether he should live or die, and Eunhyeok plans to manipulate Hyunsu's life into his hands.

Timelines, events, and actions spool out in front of him, puzzles for him to put together. In his situation, every scrap of information is a treasure. Eunhyeok needs plans. He needs to find the best course of action. He needs a code, so he doesn't write anything that incriminates him again. He has knowledge, so he just needs to figure out what to do with it. 

Protein monster. Speed monster. The janitor. Spider monster. Reach monster. 

In two days, he would enlist Hyunsu as a weapon and a dog. In roughly 3 days, Dusik and the children would be brought down. Six days later, Yikyung would leave in search of answers. Three days after that, they begin clearing out the basement. The surgery. The protein monster. The security guard. The military, and then… 

The outlaws.

The outlaws were, by far, responsible for the most deaths. It would be best if they could avoid them entirely, if possible. Without knowing how they had managed to find Green Home, it would be difficult. And then, there was always the problem of the military… and, even after that…

He'd make sure they survived. All of them. He wouldn't fail them again.

"Hyunsu," Eunhyeok says, two days later. "I need to talk to you."

Seokhyeon complains. They pay him no mind. When they're alone, Eunhyeok breathes out steadily and leans against the wall to study his greatest weapon.

“You’re going to do the hard jobs from now on.”

In the original timeline, he'd been scared. There had been a lot to be scared of, but Hyunsu had been a special case. A particularly volatile asset, a gamble that could destroy them just as much as it was their only hope. He hadn't learned until too late, until the worm had already turned, that he was volatile in all but personality.

"We need you," Eunhyeok says. "I'll be honest. I'm not sure if we can survive without your help.”

Hyunsu looks at him. There's a particular resigned look that he has, the way he just shrinks down and prepares to take it. Eunhyeok can pinpoint the moment where understanding flits across his face; a brittle, bitter thing. "I understand."

"Look," Eunhyeok says, then stops. He looks at Hyunsu, the quiet way he draws in on himself as if he is somehow less than human. He thinks of Hyunsu looking past him and walking towards the military waiting to take him. He thinks of I'm not your dog anymore.

"I'm going to do all I can to make sure no one dies," Eunhyeok says. "And that includes you. You’re one of us."

There’s a shift; Hyunsu’s eyes widen. His breath stutters with a quick exhale. Eunhyeok knows, then, that it is the right move.

In the past, he'd never reached out. At first, he'd been wholly unsure of Hyunsu's character. He could be entitled, demanding, or selfish. His cooperation would best be won with callousness, as cruel as that sounded. Eunhyeok was never one to mince words, never one to be soft. He needed to be a leader, not a friend.

"Oh," Hyunsu says, studiously avoiding his eyes.

"Hyunsu," Eunhyeok says, gently. As gently as he can. "Will you help me?"

Eunhyeok. What is your desire?

It's his sister that pulls him out of the rubble.

"You fucking bastard," she spits, landing a punch on his nose. Eunhyeok's head snaps back. "How could you?"

Eunhyeok smiles. "Sorry, Eunyu," he says quietly, then coughs.

"Asshole," Eunyu snarls, but her voice wobbles. An unsteady breath, and then a crumpling sob. "How could you leave me?"

She sounds so broken. A fragile thing in Eunhyeok's chest cracks. Eunyu shakes with another sob, then crushes him in a hug.

"Never do that again."

Eunhyeok smiles again. He pats her back and lets his head loll against her shoulder. It feels like everything will be okay.

"I won't."

Eunhyeok wakes up crying. Blood is bubbling over his face, running over his cheeks and down his jaw like a caress. He knows that if he looks in the mirror he’ll see his own face, bloody teeth bared in a smile.

It's okay. Everything is going to plan. He knows what to do. This time, things will be better.

A week later, Eunhyeok cries out in pain around the taste of blood and dust. Bodies are cooling on the floor, Junseop standing over him with his jaw tight and his gun cocked.

His world this time ends with the sharp crack of a gunshot, 9mm copper through his brain.

Eunhyeok wakes up.

This time he would get it. He just needed to recalculate, regroup and replan. He gained more information this time. He could deal with the outlaws this time.

Uimyeong gets the honor this time. He dies to the sound of Uimyeong’s jeering laughter and the sharp crackle of Hyunsu’s spear.

Eunhyeok’s plans get more elaborate, as do the codes he uses to keep them secret. He’s halfway to developing his own language. He has extensive knowledge of the human digestive system, and he could recite his first-year medical textbook cover to cover. He knows the scream that Eunyu makes when her fibula bone gets broken. He knows that Jisu’s chances of surviving are in no way guaranteed despite his earlier success, and he knows the way it feels to have someone die under his hands.

What he still doesn’t know is how to keep everyone alive. It’s possible. It must be possible. In his first life, he had no way of knowing. It was the choice of who to sacrifice, knowing that the odds were that none of them would survive.

Now, he had all the time in the world to make sure that each opportunity and each chance would ensure they all survived. 

Without fail, whenever they run into the outlaws, people die. No matter how well he does, even if Jaehoon and Jisu live and all their supplies are carefully gathered, he can’t control the outlaws. They’re too well-armed and too well prepared. The weapons that they manage to scrape together never manage to keep them down for long. Besides, with the outlaws always comes Uimyeong.

If the outlaws aren’t game over, then Uimyeong definitely is. He’s a loose cannon. Unpredictable and half-mad, the most powerful element on the board, with reckless disregard for human life.

If the outlaws find them, it’s over. So they need to stay away from them.

So. The outlaws. Eunhyeok wakes up, squeezes his eyes shut to cope with the full-body tremors that shake him through, then gets up.

"We need to leave," Eunhyeok says. 

"What?" Seungwan splutters, shaky and ugly in the way that humans get when faced with fear. His face is a mask of spite, and he casts a terrified look at the other survivors to seek support. "We can't just leave! There are monsters everywhere!"

Eunhyeok nods. "It's been a while," he says. "There hasn't been any activity for a long time."

"You can't be sure!" Byeongil splutters. "Of course there are still monsters!"

"And we can handle them," Eunhyeok says patiently. "We'll avoid them, for the most part. We'll go underground."

Yikyung speaks up, face settled in distaste. "Why?" she asks. "Why take the risk now?"

Eunhyeok pauses, lets his eyes float towards the ceiling. During the pause everyone seems to lean closer, to hang onto his words. "We can't survive here forever," he says. "We're running out of food and water. We're strong right now. We have the best chance of making it."

Not quite true, but what does it matter? Eunhyeok doesn't look at Hyunsu, can see the other survivors studiously avoiding the half-monster. 

"I've been planning," he says. "We leave in two days."

"Eunhyeok," Hyunsu asks him later when Eunhyeok is coming to check on him. "Do you really think we need to leave?"

Eunhyeok swallows. He nods, not letting his nervousness show. "Yes."

"We still have food," Hyunsu says, pointedly. "I'm the one that gets it. We don't need to worry for another couple of weeks, at least."

Eunhyeok falls silent. Hyunsu studies him. Eunhyeok feels strangely unmasked. "Hyunsu," he says. "Do you trust me?"

Hyunsu continues to study him. There's something in his eyes that makes Eunhyeok's skin prickle.

"Sometimes, I don't think you're human."

Eunhyeok can't stop the startled flinch, the way that his head snaps up and his blood begins to race. He forces the reaction down, those his hands are still trembling. Hyunsu keeps looking at him, wondering.

"It's like you know what's going to happen before it does. It scares people. You never get surprised, and everything turns out exactly how you want it."

Eunhyeok squeezes his palms into fists behind his back, trying to stop them from shaking. A strange rawness is rising in his throat, like his innards have all been scooped out and put on display, making him feel oddly vulnerable.

"What are you trying to say?"

"I don't understand it," Hyunsu says, slowly. "I don't get you. But I'll follow you."

Eunhyeok wakes up.

There was a monster in the tunnels. Eunhyeok got his legs ripped off, left to bleed to death as the monster chased the other survivors down.

Outlaws. Monsters. Tunnels. He needs to assess all his options. He needs knowledge, he needs tests.

Hyunsu is a good person to talk to.

No matter what Eunhyeok tries, he still ends up a bit of an outcast, a ways off from the rest of the group. He has never been the best with people. It feels safer to be open with Hyunsu than it is to be with anyone else. He, at least, won't run off to everyone else with gossip about Eunhyeok's humanity or lack thereof. Hyunsu has already seen him at his worst.

Of everyone, Hyunsu is also the person who least deserves to have to put up with Eunhyeok. However, the other boy seems just as happy to talk to Eunhyeok as Eunhyeok is to talk to him. In the earlier days, Hyunsu is skittish and wary, but Eunhyeok is one of the only people willing to talk to him normally. 

"Do you really think we'll survive?" Hyunsu asks, once.

It was a failed run from the start. Eunhyeok had messed up his plans, and Yuri had died. It was a run with a chance to get information, and nothing more.

Eunhyeok thinks. His goal seems farther than ever. On some days, the magnitude of it consumes him, leaves him reeling and hopeless.

"I'm making progress," he says, and the words are harder to get out than normal. His breath catches, and Eunhyeok takes a second to find it again. "I'll get there."

Hyunsu says nothing. When the pause stretches on too long, Eunhyeok looks over at him. But Hyunsu is only looking at him, something strange in his eyes at Eunhyeok can't place.

Hyunsu places a hand on his shoulder. Eunhyeok realizes then that his cheeks are wet. A tear falls to the ground, and Eunhyeok sucks in a ragged breath.

There were too many monsters underground. The outlaws were certain death. The best way to leave was, in the end, through the air. A zipline that they shot from building to building, where people would cross one at a time.

"Keep going," Eunhyeok barks at Sangwook, who is steadily making his way across the zipline. He makes sure to add the slightest bit of urgency to his voice. "We'll be fine!"

Just Eunhyeok and Hyunsu, then. Sangwook was the last one. To Hyunsu, he says, "Throw it."

"Huh?" Hyunsu cries, ducking under the swooping monster's claws. 

"The molotov cocktail," Eunhyeok repeats, ducking under an attack himself. "You can hit it."

There's a thrum of excitement in his chest, a muted giddiness waiting for disappointment. This could be it. Everyone was alive. They just had the flying monster, and then they'd be out. This could be it.

Hyunsu throws. The monster shrieks. The molotov cocktail soars through the air, a perfect arc—

It hits. The monster screams. Flesh catches, and it plummets past the rooftop.

Eunhyeok can't stop the laugh that bursts out of him. He doubles over, triumph roaring to life in his chest. It doesn't sound like his laugh. It doesn't sound like him at all. A tentative hope is blooming in his chest. His eyes scan their surroundings for possible threats that could tear victory from him at the last second. But nothing happens.

"Go," he tells Hyunsu, standing a ways off and looking at him warily. “I’ll go after you.”

Hyunsu hesitates. Eunhyeok can see his eyes flicker over him in blatant concern. “But…”

“Go!” Eunhyeok orders, tone leaving no room for arguments. Hyunsu reluctantly complies. Eunhyeok blinks hazily at the empty rooftop around him as Hyunsu makes his way over. The world seems to blur around him, the lights too bright and the concrete warping under his feet.

Can he stand? Is he seeing things? Is he actually going to save everyone—to make sure everyone survived? Would this—finally be over?

“I’m over!” Hyunsu calls from the other end. Eunhyeok nods distantly and makes his way over to the zipline, staring at it blankly. Does he even cross over? Should he stay behind just like he did last time? The bloody streets loom beneath him, miles away. He sways with vertigo, stepping forward unconsciously. If he dies, will he still reset?

“Eunhyeok!” Eunyu screams.

Eunhyeok blinks. Ah. Right. Eunyu. He can’t leave her. He promised, didn’t he? He's held out against the monsterization for this long. He can figure something out, after seeing everyone out of the Green Home apartments safely.

He grabs the zipline and begins to pull himself across.

Below him, a monster shrieks. Eunhyeok looks down, heart jolting, but it’s only a small one, running uselessly after him with no way to reach him. The look down only heightens his excitement.

It’s real. He did it. He made it. Everyone’s alive.

Eunhyeok hauls himself onto the next rooftop along with everyone else and blood starts pouring from his nose.

Someone screams. The world spins. Eunhyeok coughs wetly, feeling the world spin underneath his feet.

“Eunhyeok? Eunhyeok!”

“Brother?”

What do you desire?

Eunhyeok stumbles away, head spinning. Blood is still pouring from his nose, sticky and wet, dribbling into his mouth and filling it with the taste of copper. His eyes roll back in his head. He braces himself shakily against the wall, looking up at the survivors.

Monsters. All of them. Gaping maws and blank eyes, reaching towards him with slobbering hunger and bloodlust. One of them lurches towards him, a high-pitched shriek erupting from its mouth. Eunhyeok flinches back.

No, no. That wasn’t right. No, it couldn’t be. Eunhyeok squeezes his eyes shut, yanking sharply at his hair to try and force himself to his senses, and chances another look.

There was no one there.

Eunhyeok’s heart cracks open. No. No, it couldn’t be. They were here, they were here, because he saved them. Surely he hadn’t gone through all of this for nothing—

No, no, no. That was a lie. It had to be. It was just the monster messing with his brain. Why was this happening? It had only been eleven days. At that time, he hadn’t even begun to show symptoms yet. Why now, of all times…?

Eunhyeok looks up, then sucks in a sharp breath.

It was his family. All looking at him, all smiling. The building isn’t ruined and crumbling under his grip. They’re inside, with the lights on and food on the table. Eunhyeok can smell it, the long-forgotten smell of his mom’s cooking. Tears prick his eyes. Eunhyeok sways.

“Come on, Eunhyeok,” his dad says, smiling. “It’s time to eat.”

“Yeah, Eunhyeok,” his sister whines. “I have to get to dance practice! Hurry up!”

“N-no,” Eunhyeok chokes out, shaking his head weakly. He scrambles to press himself against the wall. “Get away from me! Get away!”

Eunhyeok wakes up.

Eunhyeok lives the first day in a daze.

He stops making plans. He doesn’t take the time to write out his knowledge from past lives. He doesn’t stop to consider the implications of everything he learned in the past run. He doesn’t take the time to establish ground rules. No, Eunhyeok just exists. 

He speaks when he’s spoken to. He eats when someone puts food in front of him. When Hyunsu falls down seven flights of stairs and lives, he can’t summon any reaction at all.

“He’s a monster! A monster!”

He’d done it. He’d saved everyone. So why didn’t it end?

“He can’t stay here! He’s going to kill us all!”

Eunhyeok doesn’t understand. He shouldn’t be here right now. 

“You’re all fucking insane! Just get him out already!”

Seokhyeon. The grocery store owner. He hadn’t survived. He’d turned into a monster and been killed. Did Eunhyeok have to save him too?

If he had to save Seokhyeon, then who else would he have to save? What about the security guard? All the other monsters? Where would it end?

Eunhyeok realizes, abruptly, what is happening. They’re deciding what to do with Hyunsu. Without him to propose a vote, it’s Seokhyeon terrorizing everyone, shooting down everyone who tries to object.

Seokhyeon was a piece of human garbage. He beat his wife, even before the apocalypse. Eunhyeok hadn’t thought much of his death, not in any timeline.

Eunhyeok looks at Seokhyeon, brain slowly working, and his blood turns cold.

He didn’t know what he had to do to end the loop. All along, he’d just assumed… but really, he had no way of telling why he was stuck. Realistically… there was no way of ever finding out what could end the time loop. It could be as inane as finding three green socks. It could be, he realizes with slowly sinking horror, that there was simply no way out.

What if, instead of saving everyone, he was here to kill everyone?

Repulsion rips through him, his mind immediately rejecting the idea. He’d rather be stuck in the loop forever than kill everyone.

Then, what was he supposed to do? He’d been living out a countless number of weeks working towards a meaningless goal.

Maybe none of this was real.

Really, a time loop? Why was he so quick to believe in this? Time travel, of all things? Of course, it was a possibility that he was actually living through a time loop. The more likely, and more obvious, explanation…

“I’m a monster,” Eunhyeok says.

“Hah?”

“Eunhyeok?”

How did he not think of this before? Stupid. His last memories were of an apocalypse where people turned into monsters. One of the symptoms was hallucinating. It was far more likely that he was simply hallucinating an impossible event, living in a world created by his monster self. An endless, looping nightmare that kept him from ever breaking free.

“I’m a monster,” Eunhyeok repeats. He stands up. Hyunsu is here, now. Ah, right. Even if this was just a hallucination, he can’t just leave Hyunsu to get kicked out. “If you’re going to kill Hyunsu, kill me too.”

“Kill? You can’t just say that!”

“Eunhyeok, what do you mean?!”

“If you kick us out, that would essentially be murder,” Eunhyeok says. Something is calming about knowing that he’s already fucked. He can do whatever he wants. “Of course, if you insist, we can’t stop you.”

Screams break out in the room. Blood rushes from Seokhyeon’s nose, who stumbles back.

“I’m not a monster! I’m just tired!”

“Monster! Monster!”

“Just lock us up,” Eunhyeok says carelessly. “If you’re the next one to turn, you’ll be locked up instead of killed, too. It's better for everyone.”

“Hyunsu,” Eunhyeok says. He still feels calm. Dissociating, likely. It doesn’t matter anymore. “What does the monster say to you?”

“W-what?” Hyunsu asks. The other boy has been giving him a wide berth. Even now, his eyes are wide. Eunhyeok can’t blame him. He knows he’s being unsettling, even past the usual ‘emotionless freak’ and ‘dead-eyed stare’ that people used to spit at him. He can’t entirely bring himself to care.

“What’s it like,” Eunhyeok clarifies. “The hallucinations, especially?”

“Um,” Hyunsu says.

“You don’t have to tell me,” Eunhyeok muses. “But it would be nice to know.”

“Well—it asks me what I want? Once, it showed me a scene of one of my desires… It showed up once? It looked like me, except it was smiling.”

“Hm,” says Eunhyeok. “The scene. Were you happy?”

“Uh—kind of?” Hyunsu says. “It wasn’t really what I’d expect from my greatest desire.”

“I see,” Eunhyeok says. “What was it?”

Hyunsu doesn’t respond. Eunhyeok looks over.

“Oh,” he says. “You don’t have to tell me.”

They fall into silence after that.

As a child, Eunhyeok had been told the tale of the Monkey’s Paw. The story focused on a family of three who obtained a monkey’s paw that could grant any three wishes. However, each wish came at a terrible price to the wisher, so much so that they were almost always better off without using the paw. Essentially, despite granting wishes, it ended in an overall net loss. 

The nature of monsterizations seemed to follow the same track. The immediate effects were obvious; very few monsters would choose to turn into a mindless beast driven by violence. However, maybe it also worked as such internally. Maybe, despite a person’s greatest desire, monsterization trapped people in an endless hallucination where their greatest desire was granted at the cost of their happiness. A wish granted at a terrible price. A monkey’s paw for a monster’s trapped consciousness.

Perhaps Eunhyeok’s desire was simply to save everyone. Perhaps it had manifested in a time loop where he could endlessly relive these four weeks in futile bids to keep everyone alive. Where he could retry things, over and over, until his leadership never failed and he had no regrets.

Eunhyeok had turned into a monster. His consciousness was trapped reliving the worst four weeks of his life while his body, in the real world, murdered people. All he could do at this point was just… wait for his body to be eventually killed. 

"What the hell's up with you?"

Ah. Eunhyeok had been hoping this conversation wouldn't happen. He supposes it was inevitable. 

"Hey, Eunyu," he says quietly.

"Don't 'hey, Eunyu,' you bastard. What are you doing?"

Eunhyeok shrugs helplessly. "I'm a monster," he says quietly. He can't look at her, can't bear to see her face. If he could choose one time to be selfish, he just hoped that Eunyu wouldn't have to find out. "...I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize!" Eunyu spits. She stomps up to him, grabbing him by the collar. "Look at me!" she demands, jerking Eunhyeok forward. "You're… not a monster. You're not."

Her voice wobbles. From this close, Eunhyeok can see the way that her eyes shine, the way her expression teeters on the edge of crumpling.

Eunhyeok closes his eyes. He really, really hoped that Eunyu would never find out. "I'm sorry," he offers again. "...Don't cry."

He was never good at this. He never was able to comfort her.

Eunyu lets go of him and steps away. She rubs her face roughly, blinking rapidly. "What's wrong with you?" she demands, whirling around. "You're acting weird. You’ve been off all day.”

Eunhyeok shakes his head. “It’s nothing.”

Eunyu leaves angry, jaw clenched and eyes flashing.

The trolley problem is a well-known ethical dilemma where one is given the choice between saving one life or saving many. The most common answer to the trolley problem is to prioritize the 'many' over the 'few'; to save as many people as possible.

It is a pragmatic approach. However, as more complications and nuance are added to the trolley problem, the answers become much less definitive. What if you are the one pushing the switch that kills another? What if you must physically kill that one person with your own hands? What if it's a person that you know?

There's a particular scenario of the trolley problem that Eunhyeok finds fascinating. In it, you are a doctor with five patients that require five different body parts to survive. Without them, they will die. However, you also have one perfectly healthy person asleep in the next room with perfectly healthy organs. 

As a doctor, you could kill the healthy person and use their organs to save your patients. You could save five lives at the cost of one; prioritize saving lives above all else. Yet, isn't that repulsive? Isn't that disgusting; a callous disregard for human life? No sane person would think to do that. When taken to such extremes, someone who sacrifices one person to save many becomes a monster.

Junseop shot Ms. An in front of him, and he hadn't done anything. A gun under her jaw, a smile, watch and learn, because Junseop had seen potential in him and wanted to teach him cruelty. Had seen Eunhyeok and all his senseless, frantic notes and thought he would fit in among his gang of murderers and rapists and criminals.

If he had been kinder, less callous and more idealistic, less pragmatic and more human, maybe he could have saved her. Maybe he would not be like Junseop. Maybe they would have all died, then.

Junseop did teach him something.

You can have upwards of 20 plans floating half-formed in your head of how to get the most people out and survive intact, but when a person is bleeding out in front of you that used to smile at you and hand over her rations with a ‘ You need it more,’ it doesn't matter. You can have calculated the best course of action that will get the most people the highest chance of survival, but when it all hinged on the sacrifice of one person, it's different when their blood is cooling on the stone beneath them and you could have saved them but you didn't even try, you just stood there because you had already given up on her and written her off as dead when she was still breathing. And yes, maybe it wouldn't have worked, maybe it just would have given away your only advantage at the cost of a plan that likely wouldn't have worked, but in the moment when you're there and someone is pressing a gun to someone else's jaw, all you feel like is a coward.

It's different when they're real people. It's different when they're a person you've lived with and respected and they're about to die because of you. And the reality of it sinks into your blood, poisons your thoughts, and turns your stability inside-out.

Does it matter when you've just sealed the death of an innocent man? Does the greater good mean anything when you are sending a teenager out into what is essentially a battlefield, watching as he comes back more battered and more dead-eyed every time? Maybe they were already dead. Maybe it makes logical sense. Maybe you are choosing between sacrificing one or the other. But it doesn't change the fact that they are human, they were alive, and you took it away from them.

It wasn't like now when he could have as many do-overs as he wanted. They were real. He sacrificed them and decided in that moment that they were not worth as much as his plans. No wonder he was so quick to believe that he was stuck in a time loop. He just wanted to hope that he wasn't a monster.

"Ah—are you okay?"

Eunhyeok bites back a mirthless smile and doesn't move. The past few hours have mostly been reserved for them curling up on opposite sides of the room, ignoring Seokhyeon.

Hyunsu is the last person he deserves sympathy from. Eunhyeok doesn't respond, picking at the loose carpet of the arcade.

It's a few hours later, when the night must be setting in and Eunhyeok has been driven half-mad and desperate in his regrets, when he figures it is a hallucination anyway.

"Hyunsu,” he says through cracked lips. “Are you okay?”

Hyunsu doesn't respond.

The next day, however, when Jisu comes to bring their rations and Eunhyeok ignores it, just like he has for the past few days, Hyunsu brings it to him and pushes it towards him firmly.

"Eat," he says, before returning to his own meal.

Eunhyeok does. He's reminded, strongly, that Hyunsu was always the kindest out of all the survivors.

Time passes. Yikyung takes up the precarious mantle of leader. The pedophile comes and goes. Seokhyeon turns into a monster.

"What are you playing at?" Yikyung demands.

"Nothing," Eunhyeok says tonelessly. "I got infected. That's all."

Yikyung frowns, eyes flitting over him. "You're not infected."

Her tone is sharp, demanding. It's not a question, not really.

"I am," Eunhyeok says, not backing down. He deserves to be locked up in here. What did it matter, in the end?

"Give me your hand."

Eunhyeok bites down. He hasn't shown symptoms yet. "No."

Yikyung's lip curls. "Fine." To Hyunsu, "Has he shown symptoms?"

Hyunsu startles, obviously not expecting to be addressed. "Uh. No?"

"I am," Eunhyeok says, patiently. "I'm having hallucinations. I just haven't hit Golden Hour. I'm doing what's safest for the group."

Yikyung sighs, a sharp, frustrated sound. She leans closer, eyes intent. She looks exhausted, Eunhyeok realizes. The lines of her face are sharp and haggard, dark circles under her eyes.

"Sangwook died," she says. "We got overrun by monsters on a supply run."

Eunhyeok can't help the tiny flinch that goes through him. 

"Look," she says. "I don't know why you decided to lock yourself in here. But you're smart. We need all the help we can get."

Eunhyeok breathes out steadily. He can't meet her eyes. "Fine," he says. "What have you done so far?"

The two of them get sent on supply missions with increasing regularity. By now, Yikyung has caught on to how pragmatic it is. It is never put into words, never made official, but they are sent out twice as much as the other survivors. Everyone is still trying to convince themselves they aren't using them.

"Let's go after them," Hyunsu says, a smile splitting his face in a knife's grin, eyes black. He gets up and stumbles two feet, favoring his left side even as the wound through his stomach steadily knits together. Eunhyeok reflexively reaches out to steady him, trying to keep his mind calm. "We'll kill them. We'll kill them all! Yes—"

"Hyunsu," Eunhyeok says, summoning the calm, commanding tone that he's rarely used in this timeline. "Snap out of it."

Hyunsu giggles, blood trickling from his nose. He sways, taking a squelching step forward. "We can take them," he cackles, eyes wild with excitement. "We'll—"

"Hyunsu," Eunhyeok says, tone steel. It's disturbing to see Hyunsu like this; deranged and bloodthirsty in a way that is wholly unlike him. He hides his discomfort, looking Hyunsu in the eyes. "Listen to me. Stop, and just focus on my voice. It's trying to take control. Breathe in, breathe out."

Hyunsu coughs, expression flickering. He breathes unsteadily, before slumping forward to lean on Eunhyeok. 

"Eunhyeok…?"

"I'm here," Eunhyeok says, trying to give his voice confidence. "Breathe in, breathe out."

"Fuck," Hyunsu says, voice wavering. He staggers upright and leans against the wall, looking nauseous. "I can't control it," he whispers.

A single, irrational thread of fear runs down his spine. Eunhyeok shakes his head. "You can," he says, tone brooking no argument. "You beat it now, and you can again."

Hyunsu shakes his head slowly, hands tugging at his hair. "I'm a monster," he whispers.

"You are not," Eunhyeok says, tone sharper than he'd meant it to be. "You're human. It doesn't matter if you're infected. Until you turn, you are not a monster."

There's no response. Eunhyeok sighs, a small part of him wondering why he's doing this, and moves closer until he's looking Hyunsu in the eyes.

"You are one of the kindest and strongest people I've ever met," he says, trying to pitch his voice gentler and softer. "I think." He stops. Swallows. "There is no way you could ever become a monster."

“Hyunsu,” Eunhyeok says, two days before the outlaws are set to burst into the apartments and kill who-knows-how-many people. His nose has started to bleed three days ago, and he knows there isn't long. “Can I tell you something?”

“Sure,” Hyunsu says, thunking his head against the wall to look up at the ceiling, idly playing with a ball that someone had brought them. Yikyung keeps them busy with various jobs, but beyond those, they are simply confined to their cell. As a result, there was precious little for them to do, something that Eunhyeok is entirely unused to.

“This isn’t the first time I’ve lived through this.”

Hyunsu stills. “What?”

“Dealing with the monsters,” Eunhyeok says. “Setting up camp down here. Organizing everyone to try and survive. I’m living through a time loop.”

“Oh,” Hyunsu says. He picks at his fingers, looking over at him. Slight hesitation plays across his face, the question, then why are you here?

“I wanted to make sure everyone survived,” Eunhyeok says. “And I did. I got everyone out safely. But I still got sent back.”

Hyunsu nods, mouth twisted in a certain way that belies his awkwardness. He fidgets, clearly unsure of what to do.

“I think,” Eunhyeok says slowly. “That none of this is real. I’ve already turned into a monster.”

That’s why he could bring himself to talk to Hyunsu like this. It was like talking to himself. There was little reason not to when there was so little at stake. There was little reason not to do anything.

When he closes his eyes he can see all of the people he failed, Jisu’s organs under his hands, blood on his hands. He can hear Eunyu’s screams, death rattles and children crying. Something in him, what normally keeps him steady and grounded and sane, has been knocked loose sometime between the second and fiftieth death. There are words, miseries, screams that swim behind his teeth, trapped there in his head. He needs them out.

Eunhyeok knows that having a space to vent about one’s feelings is important for one’s general well-being. Psychology courses are a part of the degree he was working towards. For him, it had always seemed secondary.

“It makes more sense than a time loop,” Eunhyeok says, speaking quickly. “I’ve already been experiencing hallucinations and a loss of my sense of reality. We have no information about what happens to people who turn into monsters and what they experience.”

Eunhyeok bites down on his tongue, blinking at the ceiling. “So really,” he says, dimly aware that his voice is slowly rising in volume, “What’s the point of it? What's the point of anything? Nothing is real."

Hyunsu is silent. Eunhyeok lets out a small, broken laugh. "You don't have to say anything," he says. "I just—I failed. People trusted me… They thought I could keep them alive. They depended on me, and I just fucking failed them all. And then I was stupid enough to think I could ever do any better—"

Eunhyeok trails off, thoughts racing. A small, bitter smile curls over his lips.

"Eunhyeok," Hyunsu says, words quiet and faltering slightly. He reaches over and grabs his hands, the touch of skin against his jarring. Smoothing his thumb over his knuckles, words gaining more strength as he goes: "I'm real."

Eunhyeok jolts, heart suddenly racing. "What—"

"I don't know how to convince you," Hyunsu continues, thumbs continuing in their path across Eunhyeok's hands, leaving electricity in their path. "So you have to trust me. But I'm real. This world is real. You're real. I have my own thoughts and feelings, and I believe in you."

Eunhyeok's mind whirls uselessly. All he can do is stare, stunned, his world narrowed down to Hyunsu's touch and his words.

"And even if that doesn't convince you," Hyunsu says quietly. "Sometimes you should fight, even if it feels hopeless. If there really is a monster in your head—it's better to try and fight it than to do nothing at all."

Eunhyeok stares dumbly at their hands, a lump growing in his throat. His eyes sting with unshed tears. "Ah," he says, quietly, something blindsided while he struggles for words.

"5 days ago was the day I planned to kill myself," Hyunsu whispers. "But I'm here."

I'm here. "I'm glad you didn't," Eunhyeok chokes out.

"Me too," Hyunsu whispers. Silence falls over them, and Hyunsu squeezes his hands. Eunhyeok swallows thickly, overwhelmed by some emotion he cannot name.

"Eunhyeok," Hyunsu says, a little desperately. "It's okay for you to fail. You don't have to… be perfect."

Eunhyeok smiles. The words pierce him through, leaving him cracked apart and desperately vulnerable. "Not in a place like this," he says.

"It shouldn't be like that," Hyunsu croaks. "So just. Going forward. Look after yourself."

Eunhyeok nods, eyes slipping shut just as tears begin to slip down his cheeks. "Okay," he whispers.

Hyunsu nods, grip spasming on his. “You can beat the monster,” he says, jaw tight. “You will.”

"In two days," Eunhyeok tells Hyunsu, "The outlaws and Uimyeong will come. And we won't be able to deal with them."

They do their best. They prepare. Eunhyeok convinces Yikyung of the importance of running drills and writes up plans that will give them better chances. He tells Hyunsu about Uimyeong. Hyunsu tells him, in a low, quiet voice, what he does to keep it back.

"Don't give it anything," he says. "No matter what it tells you, don't listen."

In the end, everything falls apart. Of course it does.

"Well, here we are," Junseop sneers, lighting a molotov cocktail with a contemptuous flick of his wrist. "This is all you have to show for your pathetic little fight."

Eunhyeok pauses, breathing heavily as his mind whirls. Hyunsu was down. With both his legs broken, he would need a while before he could even stand. While he was infected by now, his regeneration wasn't very good. He wouldn't survive a bullet to the head. If Uimyeong was here, he would save them, but he'd been sent away to deal with other Green Home survivors.

"Listen," Eunhyeok says, speaking fast and trying not to let the waver in his voice show. "We can help you. We can work for you. We can be meatshields or cannon fodder—"

Junseop sneers. "Monsters? Fuck no."

He throws it.

Eunhyeok watches it sail towards him, something bitter and resigned twisting in his gut. What was another death?

Hyunsu pushes him out of the way.

Eunhyeok screams as the smell of burning flesh fills the air. Distantly, he recognizes the crackle of fire, the agonized scream that comes from Hyunsu, the maniacal laughter from Junseop. Blood is dripping past his jaw, sickly sweet as it caresses his cheek and pools on his tongue.

Crying. Fire. Agony. Laughter. Screaming.

"Eunhyeok, honey, it's time to go."

"Come on, son. We wouldn't want to be late."

"Oy, I still can't believe you managed to get a boyfriend before me. God!"

Eunhyeok laughs. It echoes distantly, from someplace far away. He feels so far away. Where was he, again? It smells like home.

"Yeah," he says, and he is so happy his chest could burst. "I think you'd love him."

Eunhyeok wakes up, and his nose drips red.

Hyunsu falls down seven flights of stairs and wakes up and looks at him with absolutely no recognition. The sight of it sends a wave of violent hurt through him, leaving him more raw than he'd like to admit. Eunhyeok mechanically goes about drawing up the same plans he must have made a thousand times before. He sets up all the rules that will keep them alive.

He can't bring himself to talk to Hyunsu.

It doesn't matter. Eunhyeok doesn't want to use him like that, so he won't. Maybe he's earned that much.

On the fifth day, he goes to talk to his sister.

"Eunyu." Eunhyeok looks up at the ceiling and blinks, trying to hold back his tears. He's been crying so much recently. He used to never cry at all. He's not quite sure yet which is better.

Despite all his attempts, tears gather in his eyes. There's a lump in his throat, miserable in its tightness. He thinks of all the things he should have said to his sister a long time ago. He thinks of his sister about to cry after he'd locked himself up, he thinks of his sister desperately trying to reach him all those times he'd died in front of her. Thinks of, I promise, and wonders how she fell apart in that first life.

"I love you."

"Hah?" Eunyu exclaims. "What does that mean?"

The words are alien. Unfamiliar. He feels like his insides have been scraped raw, the ugly, bloodied parts of him that no one sees.

He doesn't remember the last time he said those words.

Maybe to his parents. It feels so impossibly far; separated by years, eternities, and entire universes.

It's a tragedy, Eunhyeok thinks suddenly, looking into Eunyu's wide and furious eyes. It's a tragedy that Eunhyeok is sitting here feeling like he is pulling his guts out from his throat, a tragedy that Eunyu is searching for some sort of catch because she can't believe that Eunhyeok would tell her ‘I love you.’ For all that he would die for her, for all that he would do for her, they are almost strangers. Eunhyeok is not good at talking unless it's manipulating. 

"I'm infected," he continues quietly because Eunyu is still looking at him with a silent ‘why,’ in her eyes. Another thing he should have told her. "I don't have long. I wanted to tell you that."

"What?" His sister's voice is quiet, broken. "What? You idiot, you can't just say that!"

Eunhyeok is silent. He doesn't feel entirely here anymore, feels hollowed out and distant. He thinks of other things that he should have said to his sister.

"You can—you can fight it. Hyunsu—"

Eunhyeok says nothing. The chances are near impossible. Eunyu's expression crumples as she catches sight of his.

"You can't just give up! You're my brother! You're a fucking genius! Are you really going to let a stupid fucking infection take you down?"

Eunhyeok is very, very quiet. Eunyu looks at him again, and—breaks.

"You can't die," she says, a broken little quaver to her voice. "You're not allowed to die. I still have to pay you back."

"Eunyu," Eunhyeok says. "You don't have to pay me back. You never had to pay me back."

"Shut up," Eunyu says, burying her face in her hands. "I ruined your fucking life."

Eunhyeok blinks up at the ceiling. Things he should have told her. Things he was too quiet, too scared, too awkward to tell her. "You didn't ruin anything," he says. "I have never once thought that you ruined my life. You were all I had."

Eunhyeok blinks, feels his eyes sting. "You're my sister," he says. "Without you, I think I might have fallen apart."

Eunyu sobs, hands coming up to wipe away tears. 

Eunhyeok is sorry. He's sorry they didn't talk more. He's sorry that he never was able to get his sister to open up. He's sorry that they were never close. There are a thousand things that separate them, and in the cramped room of an apocalypse he’s lived a thousand times, he feels the loss like a spear through his heart.

He doesn’t talk to Hyunsu. He can’t bring himself to talk to Hyunsu. He lets other people bring his meals, lets him stay locked away and corralled off like he isn’t the best person locked in this apartment complex, doesn’t send him off on what would be a suicide mission for any other person.

Six days in, and he flees to the arcade anyway under the guide of searching for a solution to the hallucinations that are growing ever more frequent. In the original timeline he’d lasted fourteen days before the building collapsed on his head, and even then he had been pushing it. Theoretically, he has time. Even still, he can’t let himself grow complacent.

“Hyunsu,” he calls softly, and it’s just about the only thing he can get out before his throat closes up.

Hyunsu looks over, shoulders stiff and body held like it’s glued together, wired with the mistrust and wariness of an animal, and Eunhyeok—

He feels numb.

Oh, he thinks, distantly. So that’s how it is.

“Sorry,” he manages, then flees.

They’re on a supply run when it happens. Without Hyunsu taking up the majority, it’s left to them to do it. They’ve managed to bring Dusik down, so at the very least they have his weapons.

He assigns him and his sister to be partners. He was still in his golden hour, after all. He has no illusions about his regular combat ability, but hopefully, the enhanced strength and regeneration would give him an edge in protecting her. His sister had protested at first, then abruptly stopped after their conversation.

In the end, all it means is that he’s there to watch her die.

It happens too fast for him to catch it. 

"Eunyu? Are you ready?"

"I'm ready, I'm ready," Eunyu huffs, striding out of her room as she hitches her bag over her shoulder. "Stop worrying!"

"You have everything?" Eunhyeok can't help but ask, eyeing the bag.

"Yes," Eunyu huffs. "I got everything. Seriously."

Eunhyeok smiles. "Alright, alright." He unhooks his car keys from his belt, smile softening. As they head toward the car, he pauses. "You'll do great," he says. It's quiet.

Eunyu hears him, anyway. She flashes him a grin, arrogant despite her nerves. "Of course I will," she scoffs. "These other girls don't have a thing on me."

Eunhyeok laughs lightly. He looks at his sister; his talented, wonderful little sister. He's so proud of her.

He catches her eye from across the car and realizes then that she knows. He's glad.

Eunhyeok wakes up and cries.

He cries and cries and doesn’t stop even when Yikyung comes to talk to him about their rationing. He cries through Hyunsu falling down seven flights of stairs. He cries while the others are arguing in the other room about what to do with him. When his sister comes in to yell at him, he sobs at the pain of seeing her and in a small, broken voice, asks her for a hug.

He whispers, “I love you,” into her hair, and she is kind enough to pretend that nothing happened.

You’re allowed to be selfish, Hyunsu had said, and Eunhyeok uses this time loop to be selfish.

Hyunsu gets kicked out without his intervention. He doesn’t learn about it until several hours after the fact. Eunhyeok retreats, doesn’t eat, doesn’t answer the door, doesn’t draw up plans or ration food or try to calm the group or go on missions. Yikyung and Eunyu come to yell at him several times, to no avail.

One of the bandits shoots him through the head. It’s a merciful end.

Hyunsu laughs, carefree and happy in a way that Eunhyeok had never seen him before. He smiles, the curve of his smile and the crinkle of his eyes impossibly fond. 

“I love you,” Eunhyeok says, because there is nothing more perfect than Hyunsu now, whole and unburdened like this.

“I love you too, idiot,” Hyunsu responds, like it’s the easiest thing in the world. Eunhyeok’s chest aches. “Come on—Eunyu will kill us if we’re late.”

Eunhyeok wakes up.

This time, he sets about with grim determination. He writes up his plans, rushing around the building to note down details that he’s forgotten. Along the way, he runs into Yikyung, looking at him with a familiar distaste.

“What’s gotten into you?” she asks, peering at the papers in his hands. “You’re… energetic today.”

Eunhyeok shrugs, leafing through his notes. “Strange dream,” he decides to say. “I need to make sure everything’s right.”

Yikyung frowns. Eunhyeok can practically sense the suspicion on her, rolling off her in waves. He sighs.

“Yikyung,” he says, catching her attention. “There's a safe in the surveillance room. If I die, then open it. The code is 532784."

In it, he’s stored plans, written in plain English. An easy guide of everything she needs to do in order to get everyone out safely. And, in a cipher that she would need some time to crack, all the details of everything he knows about his fiance. Revealing them right away would damage the already-fragile trust she has in him, but she deserves to know. 

“When the time comes,” he says. “Please trust me. It’s for the best.”

Yikyung studies him, eyes sharp. There’s something in her expression that sits strangely with him, something akin to compassion. “Eunhyeok,” she says slowly. “Are you alright?”

The question takes him aback. It’s the last thing he expected from her. He pauses, clenching his fists and looking down.

“Yes,” he says, decisive. “I am. I will be.”

Yikyung says nothing, continuing to study him. Eunhyeok studies her back, a familiar feeling of sorrow-guilt-grief in his chest.

"I'm—sorry," he manages. "For everything."

Yikyung frowns, looks down. “It’s not okay,” she replies quietly. “But thank you.”

 When Hyunsu falls down seven flights of stairs, Eunhyeok is ready. He does everything right, gets the vote drawn up in his favor, and enlists Hyunsu on supply missions.

He hates it. But he needs to. It’s the only way that they’ll all survive.

Eunyu’s blood on his hands, her face confused and scared. He was supposed to protect her, to take the hits—he was the meatshield, the monster in Golden Hour. He could have stopped this, could have, if only he had sent out Hyunsu—

“Hyunsu,” he makes sure to say. “You are not a monster. You are human. Remember that.”

Plans, plans, plans. Eunhyeok knows what he needs to do—it’s only a matter of performing it.

Every second he can, he squeezes time in with his sister. He’s had that conversation with her again—the painful, heartwrenching one, and he had cried this time. Now, he tries to make up for roughly two decades of distance between them.

“I’ll never be able to dance again,” she says once, glaring at her injured foot. “It’s not like it matters, with the shitshow we’re in now, But sometimes—God, this is stupid—I feel like I’m more fucked up about the dancing than the literal apocalypse.”

“I’m sorry,” Eunhyeok says quietly. Here was one thing he would never be able to fix. “I know you loved it.”

Eunyu lets out a wet, frustrated breath. “It just—It was everything,” she says. “It was my way out, my escape, my way of making up for all the shit that I’ve caused. And now it’s gone, and I’m just—nothing.”

“I’m sorry,” Eunhyeok says again. They lapse into silence.

“I was so proud of you,” Eunhyeok says. “Because I could tell how happy you were when you danced. And I’m still proud of you. You’re my sister, and you’re so strong.”

He’s not used to saying things like these. It makes him on edge, feels like wringing blood from a stone. He can tell that Eunyu appreciates it, though. So he tries.

“Thanks,” Eunyu says, voice choked even though she tries to hide it. Then, slightly less teary, “God, you’re so bad at this. It’s almost funny.”

When he’s not with Eunyu, he seeks out Hyunsu. He can’t help it, drawn in as if by magnetism. Hyunsu starts off skittish, and it never really goes away, but he does let his guard down some. Eunhyeok can tell by the way that Hyunsu perks up when he comes in and is disappointed when he leaves that he’s lonely. Desperately so. He wonders what his life had been like before this, what had led to him living alone in an apartment and deciding on a day to kill himself, and his chest aches.

He tells Hyunsu about the time loops, about his theories, because his head can’t take it. The other boy seems happy to listen.

“I believe you,” he says, after a long bout of silence, and it means everything.

Eventually, the other residents come around to the idea of letting Hyunsu out of his cage. This time, Hyunsu lets himself be coaxed out, then hangs around stiffly like he’s not sure if he’s allowed to take up space.

Life can be good, Eunhyeok thinks as Hyunsu tentatively begins to smile more. He hopes the other boy can get some happiness.

Then, it is time for the rooftop. The monster is baying in his head by now, blood pouring from his nose. Eunhyeok turns to Hyunsu before they cross and feels like his heart is going to burst.

He thinks of another Hyunsu, that had looked at him like he was worth something, that said ‘I’m real. This world is real. It’s better to try and fight it than to do nothing at all.’

I’m in love with you, Eunhyeok thinks, watching the Hyunsu in front of him. Even though it’s not the Hyunsu that he had fought with and bled with and the one that had died for him, he loves him. He thinks he would love any Hyunsu; this wonderful, compassionate boy that had fought so hard despite the shitty hand he’d been dealt. Maybe if he survived, maybe if he ever escaped this loop, he would tell him.

They make it across. Eunhyeok feels his feet connect to the solid concrete on the other side of the apartments that had been his world. He sways, feels his head spin, the monster begin to hiss.

His sister darts out and catches him, and Hyunsu with his other arm. He gasps, blinks disorientation from his eyes, and steadies himself. The monster quiets.

For the first time, Eunhyeok looks out across at all the Green Home residents, all alive and whole and free from their makeshift prison.

Hyunsu, he thinks. This is me trying.