Work Text:
The familiar dark frame dances on the drywall door—the silhouette burning its way through hazed eyes that trace every crepuscular curve of it.
Karl isn’t sleeping. He never is.
He’s stoic in his bed, feet dangling from the footboard, the blanket his mom had stuffed in his suitcase at the last minute sequestered to the side. This time of the night, the unholy minutes after midnight when the lilting majesty of the night takes over, dawning rigor surfaces in a furtive manner. Karl lets it happen, lets it invade every cell as he breathes way too ragged for anyone with a careful eye to realize that he, in fact, is not asleep.
Without the necessity of something as minuscule as the tilt of his head, he knows what Sapnap’s next move is. He had memorized it after only a month.
Light fabric hits the ground, Karl’s throat tightens, the image of bare back and glistening toned chest replaying in his head, the thoughts that accumulated during the weary months residing next to him haunting every inch of his skull.
His consciousness ebbs away only when the movements come to rest, the atmosphere turning placid with synchronized breaths. Karl listens and listens until it eventually fades away.
𖥔 𖥔 𖥔
Mornings are a tad easier, lances of sunlight brightening their dorm room, light snoring transpiring from the bed next to his. Karl waits patiently, tosses and turns away, bending his knees towards his chest as he settles on his side to watch Sapnap sleep peacefully.
Soon enough, Sapnap stretches his limbs, yawning lazily. His eyes flutter open, cloudy pupils getting smaller to adjust to the bright lights before they settle on Karl.
“How the hell are you always awake before me?” He groans, the tips of his thumb and index finger rubbing the smooth prominence between bushy eyebrows.
Karl rolls his eyes playfully. “Good morning to you too.”
“Can you not speak so loudly?” Sapnap groans into the pillow before getting up. The brooding presence of his bare shoulders and exposed chest hastens the beat of his heart, ensnaring him to his very core. “Fuck, my head is killing me.”
“That’s what happens when you party until 2 am,” Karl states, ever-so-obnoxiously. He knows it must irritate Sapnap, and he’s not even the least bit hesitant to admit that he takes pleasure in it.
He reaches to grab the bottle of aspirin that he had placed on top of his desk the moment he woke up, foreseeing the crippling hangover before Sapnap even woke up. Two pills plunge down from the tilted bottle to his palm. “Here.”
“Thanks,” Sapnap hums, smiling sheepishly as his eyes glade down through his body. “New pj’s? You look cute.”
A sudden rush of heat emanates from the comment, tinting his skin with rosy pink. He instinctively looks down at the matching set of striped light blue cotton pajamas that run a little too large on him. “Uh, no, just something I found on the bottom of the shelf.
He immediately looks away when Sapnap grabs a clean graphic t-shirt from the closet, pulling it over his shoulders in one swift motion. “How was your night?”
“You know, same old,” Karl shrugs. “Worked on some econ homework. Professor Forner is busting my ass.”
Sapnap hums in agreement. “Oh, I know. I’m like scared of her, dude. Yesterday in class she saw Dream texting, so she stopped in the middle of her lecture to confiscate his phone in front of everyone. It was hilarious.”
Karl laughs. “That sounds like her.”
This is what Karl cherishes the most—the casual conversation that feels so easy. It has been since the first day they met—two clueless teenagers embarking on a new phase, apprehensive anticipation coming to fruition between foreign walls. With twists and turns of endless contingencies, seeding a strange ache in his stomach, homesick eyes searching for a way to return to the austere houses of North Carolina.
Sapnap was his anchor in the midst of all the disarray, grounding him, inducing stability all the way down to his core. They could spend hours talking about nothing in particular, and for him it would still be everything. And Karl knew almost immediately, that they would get along, that they would be right where they are now.
There was only one hindrance that slightly complicated things—the feeling of igniting every time their eyes locked, the tight feeling that trailed all the way up to his throat when crevices bared into his soul. It was unquestionably worse in the first few days, when Sapnap stumbled into the dorm room with cardboard boxes and disheveled hair slicked with sweat, a winsome smile plastered across his face as he muttered the words “hi! I’m Sapnap!”
But despite how hard it was, Karl managed to get over it—managed to suppress the touch of ardor that stole his words and mask it with the harmony brought by their companionship. The lace of the fog that clouded his vision slowly receded after days, and eventually months, rolled by.
“I’m sure your night was more entertaining than mine,” Karl interrupts his own thoughts. “How was the party?”
“It was crazy,” Sapnap laughs. “Got like three different girls to give me a lap dance.”
Karl’s throat goes dry at that, a lump forming with the sudden urge to cough.
“You should’ve been there,” Sapnap brings one hand to his shoulder. “You’d have fun.”
“Maybe next time,” Karl bites the inside of his cheek. It’s so painfully obvious that he’s lying. Hell, he knows that even Sapnap could probably tell. Eitherway, he doesn’t care. Because seeing Sapnap dry humping with a bunch of cheerleaders on the couch is not exactly something he’s looking forward to.
“You always say that,” Sapnap rolls his eyes. Karl ignores the way his heart aches when he withdraws the hand resting on his shoulder blades. “C’mon, let’s get some breakfast. If we’re early, we might be able to grab those croissants from the bistro that you like.”
Karl nods, reaching to grab his backpack from where it hangs on the back of his chair before Sapnap snatches it out of his hands.
“Sap,” Karl scoffs. “I can carry my own backpack, you know.”
Sapnap slings it over his shoulder anyway. “You have a shit ton of books, Jacobs. Wouldn’t want you to hurt your back toting it around all day.”
It’s things like these that send Karl spiraling towards the pit of the rabbit hole—spinning and spinning, dissecting every syllable and the way its muttered through sultry lips. And maybe, if the ‘feelings’ that he supposedly managed to subside utterly lapsed into absence, he wouldn't be thinking this way. He would consider it a force of habit, not blink an eye as probing hands graze over flesh with layers of concealed desire.
He tries not to think about it—not to nitpick every minuscule gesture. So he pushes it aside, turns sideways to look at his best friend and reminds himself that that’s all they ever will be. It stings a little, dilapidates him day by day, but he is so used to it that he barely draws his attention to it.
𖥔 𖥔 𖥔
Walking this time on campus is revitalizing, the crisp breath of oxygen filling their lungs, the flimsy clouds riveted to the Polaris-blue sky. They get to the bistro in a few minutes, sitting down at the edge where most tables remain vacant.
Sapnap asks for two croissants and a cup of honey almond milk flat white, Karl’s favorite.
“Thanks,” Karl smiles. “I owe you one.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Sapnap winks, one hand ruffling his curls. “I gotta get to class. See you soon?”
Karl hides the disappointed expression on his face, flashing a smile at him. “Yeah. See you, Sap.”
And just like that, Sapnap disappears out of sight, and Karl scolds himself for craving his presence back even if he knows their routine by heart now.
Truth is, Karl has tried to keep this crush—this flash in his heart that was supposed to be temporary—under control. He really has.
From the first day Sapnap appeared in their dorm room, messy hair and a confident grin plastered over his face, Karl knew that he was getting into trouble. And it wasn’t exactly easy when they became pretty close—close enough for Sapnap to sling an arm around him casually, close enough for cautious glances that seemed to last longer than a meaningless look between two friends.
And no matter how hard it was, he always dealt with it, convinced himself what they had was something that he couldn’t risk salvaging, that whatever feelings he had would eventually withdraw from his ruminations.
“Penny for your thoughts?” A voice startles him.
Karl goes red with embarrassment as he turns to his side. A dark-haired guy smiles at him, exposing bone-white teeth above an adamantine jaw. “Sorry, I was just—thinking.”
“About?” He asks, raising an eyebrow.
Karl frowns at the outright curiosity. “Nothing in particular.”
“That’s a lie,” he chuckles. “Sorry, don’t mean to invade. It’s just that I’ve been seeing you around for a while now. I’ve been meaning to talk to you, but couldn’t work up the courage to. Until now, I mean.”
“So you’ve just been stalking me?” Karl feigns uneasiness with his tone. “Is that what you’re saying?”
“What? Of course not!” He goes red with embarrassment. “I just—I’ve been intrigued by you, I guess. You’re interesting.”
“Interesting?” Karl questions with cynicism. “Now that’s something I never heard before.”
“That can’t be right,” he raises an eyebrow, inching closer, salacious in his manner. “With a face like that, you must be getting compliments left and right.”
Karl scoffs. “Oh, come on.”
“I think you are,” he smiles. “Will you tell me your name? Or do I have to keep watching you from a mile away until I somehow get lucky enough to find out?”
Karl chuckles. “That won’t be necessary. I’m Karl.”
“Karl,” he repeats as if he’s testing the way the name feels on his tongue. “Noah. Nice to meet you.”
“Likewise,” Karl smiles, sipping his coffee. “What major are you?”
“Interior design. You?”
“No way,” Karl’s eyes widen. “Me too.”
“You’re kidding,” Noah smiles wider. ‘’How have I never seen you in my classes before?”
“We must be in different sections,” Karl assumes. “I have Professor Welsch for my contemporary design class.”
“I do too!” Noah gushes. “I work during the day though, so mine is the night class. I swear to god, that woman’s voice is the most soothing voice I’ve ever heard in my life. I have to force myself to keep my eyelids open,” he chuckles. “She should’ve been an ASMR artist or something.”
“Oh my god, tell me about it,” Karl laughs.
Then a chiming sound startles Noah’s attention, and he goes to check the time, cursing silently. “Shit, I gotta get back to work. But, hey, you wanna grab some dinner tonight? I’d love to get to know you more.”
Or, maybe, the solution to all of his problems offers himself before him.
𖥔 𖥔 𖥔
When he returns to his dorm, Sapnap is splayed over at his bed, shaking the pencil in his hand. A book is propped under a sheet of paper, resting on his knees as he stares with a puzzled glint in his eyes. Karl thinks he can watch him forever, doing nothing in particular, and yet it would still feel like everything.
“Hey,” he greets him, dropping his backpack to the chair. “What are you up to?”
“I’m trying—and failing—this stats homework.”
“Let me look,” Karl grabs the sheet of paper. “You have to rank the values in ascending order first. Then you conduct the test to compare the medians of the two samples.”
“Thanks,” Sapnap mutters. “I still don’t understand how you’re so good at this.”
Karl smirks cheekily. “Maybe because I actually study.”
“Fair,” Sapnap laughs, pushing his homework away along with the book under him.
Karl sits on the bed, bobbing his leg up and down. It's not long before Sapnap glances at him with a broad mouth, eyebrows furrowing. “You okay?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay,” Karl answers, slightly perplexed by the abrupt question. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Sapnap seems unconvinced, getting up from where he’s standing and sitting down next to him on the bed. He brings his hand to rest on top of Karl’s thigh, drawing a shaky breath from constricted lungs. Karl turns sideways, muscles stiffening and turning immobile.
“Don’t know,” Sapnap shrugs. “Just don’t want you to overwork yourself. I know you have a habit of doing that.”
“I’m alright,” Karl assures, heart environing with an expense of solace while also beating irrationally fast.
“How about we go to the grill tonight?" Sapnap proposes. "Just you and me. We can overindulge in barbeque burgers and talk about whatever we wanna talk about. It’ll be good for both of us.”
Karl bites his lip. Because there’s nothing he wants more, but it would be incredibly rude to cancel on Noah so last-minute. And besides, the whole point of this date was to spend time with people who are not Sapnap. Still, regret sits on the bottom of his stomach as he opens his mouth to speak. “I…can’t.”
Sapnap scowls. “Why not?”
Karl glances at him tentatively. “Well. It’s funny, actually. After you left, this guy came up to me and we got to talking. He…asked me out, I guess? I said yes, because why not?”
Sapnap looks at him abruptly, brows pinching together into a scowl. He gulps thickly. “This guy, huh? What’s his name?”
“Noah,” Karl answers with slight confusion. “Why? You know him?”
“Oh, no—no, I don’t,” Sapnap clears his throat, and Karl can swear he can see the corner of his lip twitching. “I was just wondering.”
“He’s really nice,” Karl mutters. “I think you’d like him.”
Sapnap scoffs lightly. “Yeah,” he grits his teeth, hand now somewhat clenched next to his hipbone. “Are you sure you wanna go out with a guy you barely know?”
“That’s the whole point,” Karl answers. “I will get to know him. And besides, it’s not like a ton of guys ask me out or anything. I’m not exactly at liberty to be picky.”
“That’s because you barely go out,” Sapnap states. “If you came to the frat parties, people would be all over you.”
Karl scoffs. “Yeah, I know what you do at those parties.”
Sapnap looks at him questioningly. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“You don’t have to act like I don’t know, Sap,” he clenches his jaw. “It’s not like you’re discreet about it. You brag about your one-night stands like trophies.”
That seems to throw Sapnap off guard, eyes slightly narrowing into a feline shape. “Well, so what? I’m in college, Karl. There’s nothing wrong with having a little fun.”
“I’m just saying, I’m not like…you. I didn’t even—” Karl catches himself before he can finish the sentence. “Nevermind.”
Sapnap scowls. “What? What were you going to say?”
“It’s not—” Karl sighs. “It’s…embarrassing.”
“Oh come on, Jacobs,” Sapnap glances at him. “You can tell me. I won’t judge, I promise.”
And Karl knows it’s true. He knows he can trust Sapnap with his life. But that doesn’t mean that admitting this to anyone won’t injure his dignity a little. “I just—” he swallows. “I haven’t…been with anyone. Yet.”
Sapnap tilts his head quizzically, perplexed brows morphing into a scowl. “What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean,” heat rises to Karl’s cheeks as he anxiously digs his nails into the paws of his lilac sweater.
“You—” Sapnap’s eyes widen after that. “You mean you’ve never—”
“Yes,” Karl interrupts, way too embarrassed to hear it coming from his mouth. “Go ahead, make fun of me.”
“Hey,” solace seeps into his vocal cords, the tension in his frame fading almost immediately. Sapnap slides his hand further up Karl's leg. “You really think I’d make fun of you for that?”
“Come on, Sap,” Karl scoffs. “I know what you’re thinking.”
“Really? What am I thinking?”
“That I’m some sort of a prude who doesn’t have the balls to go up and just get it over with,” Karl rakes a hand through his hair. “And you know what? You’re right. I’m scared I’m going to mess it up. I don’t even know how to do any of this. I never even—”
“Karl—”
“And I know you’re gonna say that I’m missing out, that if only I went out and met more people—”
“For the love of god, Karl—will you stop talking?” Sapnap raises his voice, prompting him to freeze in his spot, jaw still dropped with missing words. Sapnap sighs in relief. “Okay, great. Now… can you listen to me?”
With a sharp intake of breath, Karl glances at him, giving him a pensive nod, signaling him to go on.
“I wasn’t judging you,” Sapnap brings a hand to his upper arm. Karl’s heart pounds in his chest. “There’s nothing wrong with waiting for someone that you care about. And you shouldn’t feel the need to get it over with just for the sake of getting it over with.”
“You really think so?”
“Of course I do,” Sapnap assures with a soothing tinge to his voice. “I would never lie to you, Karl.”
“Thank you,” Karl speaks softly. “But I still agreed to go on that date. And when push comes to shove, I might end up kissing him. I just don’t want to…embarrass myself, I guess.”
“Well,” Sapnap meets his eyes. “If you wanted to, I could help?”
“...Help?” Karl blinks through disconcerted perplexity.
“Look, it doesn’t have to be awkward,” Sapnap says casually. “Think about it. If something goes wrong, it won’t be a big deal, because you know that it’s not actually…real. Besides, isn’t it better to do it with someone you know and trust rather than a complete stranger?”
There are far too many frenzied thoughts that fly past him when the proposal settles in, or perhaps it never fully does, because silence fills the air now, and Karl still finds himself questioning if this is actually happening.
It’s a recipe for disaster, surely, with no logical explanations and no favorable outcomes. He’s supposed to reject the offer without even taking it into consideration. He knows he’s supposed to.
Because Karl likes what they have. In fact, “like” is too light a term to describe the way he feels about it. He loves what they have. He loves the way Sapnap walks with him every morning to his graphic techniques class. He loves the way he ruffles his curls before saying goodbye to him. Always with a tiny trace of something more, but never quite reaching it.
They are friends. Not just out of convenience or of the necessity to endure him because they share a room. What they have is genuine, undisputed care for one another.
They spend practically all of their time together, wandering around campus, trying out different coffees in the bistro. When Karl is working late at night, barely awake, Sapnap stays up to accompany him—the moon lurking outside their window, goosebumps induced by the broken air conditioning that somehow always seems to spike down to 59 ℉.
And when the time comes, Karl stays up for him, despite it being far too late for any human being to condition properly. He listens to him ramble and ramble about whatever his late-night hazy mind decides to. He responds to every single thing, gets to know Sapnap through all of his obtuse jokes.
It’s safe. So, really, he would be nothing but an idiot to ruin it. It’s better to be left wondering what would happen if they dared to be more.
But the possibility of having Sapnap’s lips against his with a simple word of agreement, the brick-heavy desire of secretly wanting to grant his first kiss, makes him falter.
Karl’s mind goes blank when he finally manages to utter some words. “I don’t…I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“What if…what if this messes up everything? What if it ruins what we have right now?” Karl asks timidly.
“It won’t,” Sapnap speaks confidently—so sure of himself. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. It’ll be kinda like a…practice kiss? For your date?”
Karl tries to swallow the lump in his throat that doesn’t seem to go away. “Promise me. Promise me it won’t be different after this.”
“I promise,” Sapnap swallows. “Now relax. It’ll be okay.”
They simultaneously lean closer to one another, anticipation hanging in the air as their faces come to a standpoint—only inches apart. Sapnap rests his hand on Karl’s shoulder, aware of the way they are abnormally tense, squeezing softly to bring comfort. As expected, it only manages to further tighten his chest, breath shuddering.
Karl can't believe this is happening.
The next thing he knows, Sapnap’s lips brush against his briefly, as if he’s testing out ways to settle into a comfortable pace while giving the both of them enough time to fully grasp what is happening. Karl remains stunned for a split second, gripping the sleeve of his own shirt. A dubious second passes before they actually snap into the kiss. Sapnap’s thumb moves from his chin to the spot beneath his ear, tracing his jawline. The tips of his fingers are satin-like, brushing lightly against his face.
It’s filled with peril—the way they move like they want to breathe each other out. Every fantasy that Karl ever had sprints back to his mind, palm grazing against peppered stubble, feeling the way his cheekbones arch into prominent concaves.
Sapnap looks at him. Karl wants, wants, and wants.
Karl’s hands grip the back of Sapnap’s head, fingers curling around locks as he hums into his mouth.
They pull away hesitantly, gasping for air, gasping for each other. Sapnap’s tourmaline-green eyes darken, pupils dilating, scorching right through him. Mausoleum silence peals the air, and it’s almost peaceful for a second, a stillness that can only be found in a sacristy—drawing breath in illusory moments before realization dawns into lust-clouded minds. It stretches and stretches endlessly.
They look at one another for a brief moment, and something twists in Karl’s stomach, their gaze repelling like equal polarities. Eyes can’t quite dare to meet up, sliding rapidly away from each other, tension decaying in the air.
Breath stirring against his skin, Sapnap clears his throat, the ruptured veil finally breaking. His hand moves away from Karl’s thigh, balling into a moiety fist.
Kar’s brain short circuits, and he tries. He tries to gather his wits; He tries to find something to say. Something to make this rancid feeling go away—to fix whatever the fuck they brought upon themselves.
“Well…” Sapnap chuckles awkwardly despite the blatant fact that nothing is remotely funny. His face lacks the usual playful expression that he shields himself with. “There you go.”
“Yeah,” Karl swallows, lowering his eyelids. “Thanks.”
"Anytime," Sapnap responds quietly, and Karl thinks he might just end up fainting at the spot. It feels like the entire room is bursting into flames, igniting between the two of them. He wants, needs, to get out of here.
He fumbles around the room. “Uh—I…I gotta go. Noah will be waiting for me.”
Sapnap frowns as if he had forgotten about the reason they did this in the first place. “What?”
“We...we agreed to meet at 7.”
Sapnap is silent for a moment, his jaw moving slightly, tightening with grinded teeth. “Right.”
“Okay, I’m—” Karl’s eyes flicker across the dorm room before landing on the door. “I’m gonna—bye.”
The moment he steps out of the door, Karl knows. He knows they messed everything up. That they ruined what they have—unlocked Pandora’s box, unleashing the temptations that were locked and hidden away. Burnt ashes elevate as the door slams, scattering into the ground, the chipped ivory paint quivering through textured walls after him.
𖥔 𖥔 𖥔
Noah’s hair is slicked back with hair gel wearing a collared aqua shirt with fitted pants. He approaches him with a huge grin plastered on his face, picking up his pace almost as if he can’t wait to reach the table. The time devoted to preening himself is so painfully obvious, and guilt eclipses Karl’s thoughts. The ghost of Sapnap’s lips grazes against his own, niggling at him until his face falls ashen.
“Hey, Karl,” Noah glances at him with the brightest of eyes, standing right beside the chair.
“Hi,” Karl breathes out.
“I’m so sorry I’m late,” Noah apologizes, slightly chagrined. “I hope you didn’t wait too long.”
“No, not at all. I just came in a few minutes ago,” he offers a smile.
“Oh, alright. Would hate my first impression to be the guy who showed up late,” he chuckles as he takes his jacket off and hangs it over the chair before sitting down. “How are you doing?
“I’m—” Karl doesn’t have it in himself to say the truth, aware that it probably is nowhere near the top 10 banter-worthy, first date conversation starters to spark up a romance. “Great.”
Truth be told, the reason Karl hasn’t gone out on many dates isn’t that no one had offered him. It’s because he just didn’t know how to do any of…this. He doesn’t know how to valiantly try to come up with generic questions that always manage to somehow fall flat, the stilted conversations that feel like rehearsing a script.
And now, his mind is running a million miles an hour, far too many thoughts occupying it. It feels like jagged slivers of dismay press on the backs of his eye, scraping against his brain to gnaw on it. Sweaty arms persist, clammy hands playing with the decorative fringes on the side of the table.
“That doesn’t sound very convincing,” Noah states with a satirical chuckle.
Karl meets his eyes timidly. “It doesn’t?”
“You might wanna work on your acting skills,” Noah mutters. “It might slide with others. But definitely not me. I see right through your ruse,” he smirks playfully. “So… what’s up?”
“I’m sorry,” he sighs. “It’s nothing serious. I’m just a little…nervous, I suppose.” A white lie filled with mendacity rolls off his tongue before he can even properly think about it. He supposes it’s better than ruining the entire date before it even started by admitting what really is up. “This is kinda my…first date.”
“I’m your first date?” Noah’s eyes widen. “Woah. I’m honored that you picked me.”
“Shut up,” Karl rolls his eyes, letting out a lighthearted scoff. “Can we order now? I’m starving. And you’re paying, I assume?”
Noah laughs. “Anything for you.”
A plate of hand-breaded fried chicken tenders, truffle cheese fries, and spinach artichoke dip later, Karl surprisingly finds himself enjoying the company of Noah. He serves as a welcome distraction that manages to omit unpleasant thoughts for the time being.
Noah tells him about his family, traversing the memories of his childhood, cracking corny jokes that somehow make Karl laugh at his expense. It’s nice—to talk to someone without feeling like he’s drowning in untold feelings that he can never cast aside. He realizes that he actually needs something, someone, like this.
But a slight complication ensues from those ‘said’ feelings that he detests for making things so goddamn difficult.
He could spend hours talking to Noah. He could learn every single thing about him. But as much as he hates to admit it, he doesn’t want Noah. He will never want him.
Not in the way he wants Sapnap.
“I had a great time, Karl,” Noah says once they stand in front of Karl’s building. The sky is bleak tonight, darkness encompassing their line of vision except for the occasional flickering of street lamps.
“Me too,” Karl smiles at him. “Thank you for dinner.”
“It was my pleasure,” Noah responds, slight dimples forming on the side of his cheek. “I had a lot of fun. Maybe we can do this again sometime?”
Oh, god. Tongue cloven to his throat, Karl dreads the fact that he can sense his next move.
“I like you a lot, you know,” Noah lowers his voice, bringing his hand closer to his, wrapping his fingers and thumb around the edges of Karl’s palm. Slowly interlocking them together, Noah squeezes once, taking a step to minimize the distance between them.
Karl looks up at him, hunching his shoulders as Noah’s face inches closer and closer to his. He doesn’t know what to do—doesn’t know how to tell him that it wouldn’t be fair to spark something when his ardent heart thumps for someone else. Intent focus on lips soon shifts into eye contact, and it takes less than a second for Noah to realize that Karl isn’t reciprocating his movements. Karl exhales, slightly grateful, yet contrite with the worst type of guilt.
“Oh,” Noah mutters with a tinge of disappointment. Karl has never hated himself more than he does right at this moment.
“I’m—” Karl swallows. “I’m really sorry.”
Noah feigns a sympathetic look that only aggravates the regret nagging at his stomach. “Hey, it’s alright. I should’ve—”
“No. You did everything right. You’ve been so kind to me,” Karl reassures. “It’s just that…I don’t really think that I’m ready for a commitment like that. Not right now,” he exhales, hesitantly looking at him. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” Noah placates. “I’m not gonna lie, I’m disappointed. But I’m not gonna go and get mad at you for the way you feel. At least you’re upfront about it. That takes a lot of courage,” he smiles. “We can still be friends, alright? I think we hit it off tonight, and I’d hate to waste something like that.”
“That sounds good,” Karl smiles a little, relief breaking across his features as he extends his palm towards him. “Friends?”
“Friends,” Noah shakes his hand. “Does this mean I should start calling you “bro”?”
Karl rolls his eyes fondly. “Oh, god. Please don’t.”
Noah laughs. “Well…I’ll see you around, then? Maybe at the bistro?”
“Of course,” Karl assures. “Good night, Noah.”
As soon as Noah walks away, Karl takes a deep breath, raking a hand through his hair. Walking on eggshells, he finds himself standing in front of the door of his dorm room, a tentative hand reaching to rest on the door handle.
He gulps, reminds himself that Sapnap is still his best friend. There is no use avoiding him when they both know that they will eventually have to talk about it. So the fact of the matter is, it’s better sooner than later. Summoning every ounce of courage inside him, Karl finally works up the nerve to open the door.
He almost wishes that he didn’t.
Because the moment the door is ajar, his heart thumps at the sight in front of him, his throat closing up by the second.
There is a flash of the plain furniture that remains intact, the table lamp illuminating stacks of sketches and worksheets under its warm glow, the creaky bed that he spends so much of his time sabotaging no one other than himself.
Unfortunately, his stained eyes unavoidably land on the other bed, nausea percolating through his consciousness.
Sapnap is with a girl.
A jaw-droppingly beautiful girl who has the most alluring features, lush lips that are now smeared with terra cotta-colored lipstick, wisps of auburn brown hair veiling her angular face—manicured fingernails trailing down sturdy arms gently.
An unintentional gasp escapes parted lips, and both faces suddenly turn towards him, draining out of color.
Traitor.
Paper-thin hope dissipates, bitter betrayal plummets to the bottom of his stomach. It was unrealistic all along, maybe, expecting a different scenario to unfold. Expecting something out of what was meant to be nothing. But Karl can’t stop the way it bleeds with omissions of credence. It doesn’t coagulate, doesn’t soak up regardless of his efforts.
Vision becoming myopic, Karl doesn’t waste one more second, a quiet uproar lacerating the air as he shuts the door without conscious thought. His feet take him back to the elevator that now feels so much stuffier, and he pants shakily as if the air just can’t seem to pass through flared nostrils.
Grateful that Dream and George live in the same building as him, Karl finds his way to their room, knuckles colliding against the wood of the door eagerly. He rubs his eyes to get rid of the tears that are building up, dread twisting in his gut because he knows that his friends will see right through him anyway.
The door swings open only after a few seconds, revealing a drowsy Dream wearing a red Oklahoma Sooners apparel. “Karl?” Dream’s pupils dilate noticeably with concern. “What’s wrong? Are you alright?”
“Can I—” Karl sniffs. “Can I stay with you and George for the night?”
“Of course,” Dream answers immediately, sensing the obvious distress in his voice. It’s one of the things Karl admires most about Dream—his ability to read all of his friends like an open book, sense even the slightest hint of distress. He opens the door wider so that Karl can step inside. “Come in, idiot.”
George sits on the bed, taking off his headphones the moment he spots Karl, worry creasing on his face. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m sorry,” he swallows. “I don’t—I didn’t know where else to go.”
“Hey,” George gets up from where he’s sitting. “It’s alright. You can stay with us anytime.”
Dream scowls, and Karl knows he’s about to address the elephant in the room. “Are you gonna tell us what happened?”
“I don’t really wanna talk about it,” Karl answers honestly—there is no use trying to sugarcoat it. “I just wanna sleep. I’ll just—I’ll crash on the floor.”
“Don’t be stupid,” he frowns. “George and I can sleep on the same bed. It’s not like we haven’t done it before.”
“Dream,” George shoots him an annoyed look. “Shut up.”
Karl’s heart warms at the two of them, letting out a small chuckle as the two bicker back and forth.
Bidding goodnight soon after, he slips under unfamiliar linen covers, turning to his side to face the wall. Tonight, sleep is almost instantaneous, weariness peering through unwanted thoughts smudged in hues of carmine red and carnal ivory of flesh.
𖥔 𖥔 𖥔
Avoidance.
Avoidance is the only word to describe the relationship between the two of them. It’s not easy. In fact, it’s far from easy to avoid someone who happens to be your roommate. Especially when the said is no bigger than a shoebox.
There is nowhere to run—nowhere to hide.
So Karl goes to his classes, takes diligent notes of the lectures. And after class ends, he doesn’t return to his room. Instead, he practically moves into Strozier library. He memorizes every inch of the wooden tables, the way carpet fibers feels against the outer sole of his shoes as his mind turns into a revolving door of memories, soaring exhaustion filling feline eyes as he stares through the glass windows.
It’s not that bad. It really isn’t.
On the bright side, he gets all of his homework done, sketches far too many floor plans to count, reads his lecture notes over and over again so that he doesn’t think about anything else.
And when the clock hits three am, Karl finally makes his way back to Broward hall, unlocks the door with slightly shaky hands. He holds his breath until he sees that Sapnap is dozed off, sleeping peacefully on his bed, a blanket thrown over him. He keeps the routine up for a few days, but in the process, he also happens to shut out Dream and George.
Of course, as stubborn as he is, it’s not long before George hunts him down to give him a piece of mind.
“Karl! Hey, wait up!” George catches up to him at Landis Green, sprinting out of the department of computer science after his usual morning class.
Karl waits until George catches up to him, gazing at his friend with a trace of silent penitence. “Hi, George.”
“Where the hell have you been?” George scoffs. “You’ve been dodging us since the beginning of the week.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” he sighs. “It’s just—”
“It’s about Sapnap, isn’t it?”
“What?” The question startles him, prompting his eyes to widen. “No—why would it be about Sapnap?”
“Oh, please, Karl. Spare me the act,” George scoffs. “Both of you have been so fucking weird lately. While we were having lunch today, Dream asked Sap about you. He acted like he was…violated or something. Then he mumbled something about being busy and abruptly left. I’ve never seen Sapnap act that way ever.”
Karl sighs. “It’s…complicated.”
“How complicated can it be?” George nudges his shoulder. “Our friendship group is in shambles right now. Please, at least talk to me so I can try to help.”
“I don’t know how to explain,” Karl rakes a hand through his hair. “We did something…stupid. And now I have no clue how to act around him now.”
“Come on, Karl,” George looks at him expectantly. “Spit it out.”
“We—” Karl bites the corner of his lip. “...kissed.”
“You—” His eyes widen with incredulity. “You kissed?”
“It wasn’t supposed to be…real,” Karl lets out an exhale. Talking about it only reiterates the sheer ridiculousness of the whole situation. “I was…panicking about going on a date. And he said I shouldn’t kiss a random stranger just for the experience—that I should kiss him.”
George eyes him expectantly. “And you said yes.”
“Of course I did,” Karl shakes his head. “I’m so goddamn stupid.”
“You’re not stupid,” he states. “You like him. You’ve liked him since freshman year.”
Karl’s eyes widen. “You knew?”
George smiles. “I would be an idiot to not notice. You literally had heart eyes whenever he walked into the room.”
Panic flares in his chest once again, an audible sigh escaping parted lips. “I don’t know what to do. I can’t—I can’t tell him, George. It’s bad enough as it is. I don’t want him to freak out and stop talking to me forever.”
“Karl, this is Sapnap we’re talking about. He would never stop talking to you. Hell, he’s crazy about you. Whether it’s just friendship or…more. And just so you know, my bet is on the latter.”
Karl shakes his head. “There’s no way.”
George sighs. "Either way, you can’t keep avoiding each other. And you can’t keep avoiding us. So I’m legally requiring you to come to the party with Dream and me tonight. You gotta get your mind off of stuff. Sound good?”
“Fine,” Karl sighs, caving in. “Just because I wanna make it up for being a horrible friend lately.”
𖥔 𖥔 𖥔
Karl returns to his dorm a little earlier tonight to get ready for the party. He doesn’t expect to see Sapnap sitting on the bed, foot tapping on the ground as their eyes find one another and time stops ticking. It feels like a confrontation, one that terrifies the hell out of him.
“Fancy seeing you here,” Sapnap raises an eyebrow. His tone is mocking—curt. And all Karl can think about is how much he had missed hearing that dulcet voice, even when it's edged with razor-sharp undertones that display his anger.
“It’s my room,” Karl says lowly.
“It is?” The rhetorical question comes with a swished whisper, knots of irritation glaring right at him. “Well, you certainly don’t seem to be occupying it much as of lately.”
The moment shared between them is so different than usual.
It’s all because of what happened. The stupid kiss that still rests on Karl’s plump limps, itching for a reminder. The treacherous hands that wander around his body, gnarled fingertips with snipping shears that scalp the edges of his frame.
What the hell was he thinking? He should’ve never agreed to this in the first place. And Sapnap should’ve never suggested it. He is to blame just as Karl is, looking right into his eyes, knowing exactly what to say to push his buttons until he caves into every single thing he asks.
Maybe he wanted this. He wanted to play with his feelings; He wanted to mess it all up. He was known for this after all—the bruises littered all over his neck after the night of a party serving as concrete proof. Just like the rest of his conquests, he saw this opportunity and took it for the sake of his own entertainment.
“What is this? Some kind of an interrogation?” He asks with spite. There is no way to cushion the blow, the eerie quiescence that sheathes the room as his fawning voice garbles the space between them. “What are you trying to do here, Nick?”
Sapnap cringes at the sound of his own name. “I am not trying to do anything. You’re the one who’s avoiding me like I'm the fucking plague.”
“I’m not avoiding you,” Karl clenches his jaw, resentment spreading in his chest like wildfire. “I’ve been busy.”
“Really? You’ve been busy?” Sapnap shakes his head. “Don’t do that with me, Karl. I know your schedule inside and out. I know you like to study in your room. I know you.”
“If you really know me, then you should be able to take a guess on why I’m not exactly running at your beck and call right now,” he spits.
“We kissed,” Sapnap shrugs, trotting out blithe disregard. “Big deal.”
This is what he had been dreading all along. That attitude filled with indifference—the one that makes it sound like he couldn’t give a single shit, stews his brain and smolders every bone in his body. Karl despises this side of him. He hates settling into this silent spite that tips him over the edge and drives him right into the borders of lunacy.
Because Karl is more than something to be glossed over. He needs to be more than that. He needs to be more than meaningless lips that collided against Sapnap’s, more than just another pair of hands that touched his body.
Shivers creep up his spine, taurine eyes glittering with hostility. “It was a big deal. For me.”
Sapnap scoffs. “Considering that you went on a date right after with a stranger, I’m guessing it didn’t really take that much of a toll on you.”
A furrow of disbelief teeters on his face. “So this is about that? Me going out with Noah?”
Sapnap looks away from him, jaw clenching firmly. “It’s not.”
“You have no right to be saying anything about who I go out with,” Karl walks closer to him, quivering fingers reaching upwards until they align with the nape of his hoodie.
Sapnap stares at him in confusion. “What—what are you doing?”
Karl pulls the hoodie towards himself, exposing Sapnap’s bare neck, eyes darting over dark purple hickeys that stain his skin. "Do you think I don’t notice these? That I don’t know what you do?”
“That’s different,” Sapnap states, immediately curling his fist around Karl’s wrist to pull him away. It makes his fingertips tingle. “They don’t mean anything.”
“What does it matter if it means something?” Karl finally finds the courage to ask. “What do you want from me, Nick?”
“I miss you,” Sapnap admits, fear wavering around formidable quietude. “I miss talking to you. I just want things to go back to the way they were.”
"They can't." It takes everything in Karl to take his stance for once. “Things can’t go back the way they were. Not after what happened."
He leaves Sapnap there—in the midst of torrenting haywire thoughts. He doesn’t have the strength to look back.
𖥔 𖥔 𖥔
A taunting walk later, Karl finds himself standing in front of the frat house, glancing at the Greek letters that translate to Phi Sigma Kappa engraved on the triangular roof. He passes through tapered porch posts, stepping inside with his hand practically glued to his phone.
Beer cans and bottles are scattered all around the packed house, residues of chips and pretzels from snack bowls that must’ve been knocked over dispersed on the Saxony carpet. Strung lights shed colors across the furniture, broken figurines and Jell-O shots blurring his vision.
Karl pushes a discarded red plastic cup away from the couch, making room for himself to sit down. He tries to ignore the couple on the other side of the couch making out like their lives depend on it. Much to his dismay, it proves to be quite the challenge.
After what feels like forever, Dream and George walk inside, hands intertwined together.
“Karl!” Dream gushes enthusiastically.
“Hey guys,” Karl smiles slightly. “So glad you’re here. This place is getting crazier by the minute.”
“Oh, you have no idea,” George laughs. “Just wait until midnight. I’ll be surprısed if anything stays in its former place.”
“God,” Karl shakes his head. “Can’t believe you guys dragged me here.”
“Well. If we didn’t, we’d probably not hear any word from you until the semester ends or something,” Dream raises an eyebrow. “I’ve been worried about you,” he clears his throat. “I’ve been worried about Sapnap and you.”
Karl shivers. “There’s nothing to be worried about.”
Dream stares at him skeptically. “You sure about that? Until a few days ago, you two were practically inseparable. And now it’s like you can’t even stand to be in the same room.”
Karl can’t bring himself to answer, exhaling. “Is he…here?”
Dream sighs. “Pretty sure he is. He hasn’t been answering my texts though.”
“Oh,” Karl responds.
“I’ll let you know if I see him,” Dream smiles sympathetically at him. “I’m gonna go grab some drinks. See you later.”
Karl nods, waving goodbye to him before going back to sit on the couch.
“Karl! Is that you?” A voice prompts him to turn around, widening brown eyes beaming at him.
“Noah,” Karl smiles. “It’s nice to see you.”
Noah sits down next to him, glancing into his eyes. “I didn’t really think that this would be your scene, to be honest.”
“It isn’t,” Karl mumbles. “My friends dragged me in here.”
“Oh. Are they around? I’d love to meet them.”
“Yeah, they should be around here somewhere. I’ll see if I can—”
“Karl,” stern familiarity nearly sends him into an orbit. He would recognize that voice anywhere, no matter how much time passed by, no matter where he is or who he is with.
His throat goes dry, and despite inhaling a mouthful of air, Karl still feels as if a reticulated python is trying to squeeze the life out of him.
Obsidian black is the first thing that sinks into him, a leather jacket framing his broad shoulders. A frisson of bliss and all things dangerous ripples through his body, lascivious exhalations filling the air. Rationality follows after, comes in waves, and hits him harder than a shot of some rancid drink.
He turns around to see Sapnap—hair disheveled and his usual colossal frame shrugged down. Cavernous irises stare at him, viridian green piercing through his skull. Marigold blaze burns in sickle-shaped pupils.
“Oh, hey,” Noah says awkwardly. “I’m Noah. You’re Karl’s roommate, right?”
“I am, actually,” Sapnap seethes as outward as humanly possible. “Now why don’t you get the fuck out of here and find someone else to prey on?”
“Nick,” Karl snaps with a harsh tone. “Noah is my friend. Don’t speak to him like that.”
Sapnap leans closer, slightly out of breath. The lingering smell of beer glides to his nostrils despite the distance. “He’s your friend? And who the fuck am I, Karl?”
Karl’s breath hitches at the unfamiliar tone.
There have been times when Karl used a vulgar tone on Sapnap, when frustration rattled his perception and he needed an outlet. But there was never a time when Sapnap mirrored that same ostentation. Not until now.
Sapnap didn't get angry over little things. He didn't bicker about foiling disruptions of irritating inconveniences. When things don’t go the way he wants them to, he absorbs it silently, dampens the situation before moving on. To this day, Karl has rarely seen him get mad at something that could put practically anyone in a foul mood.
But there are times when he reaches his tipping point—brambly eyebrows morphing into sickle-shaped pointers of pent-up aggravation. He snaps, way less often than an average junior in college probably does on a regular basis, but far way more perilous in its execution.
An instance was last year, when Karl was working his fingers to the bone to finish his final portfolio, organizing layouts and renderings for what felt longer than eternity. It wasn’t long enough before his sleep deprivation took over, wobbly knees giving upon him. He didn’t remember most of it, but he knew that Sapnap found him passed out in the middle of the hallway, picking him up like he weighed nothing, tucking him back to bed.
The morning after was when disaster really struck, when cautious words with undertones of distress were regarded with ignorance. Those words soon turned vicious, menacing almost, with the way they were accompanied by algid eyes and a stentorian voice.
But even that couldn’t compare to the Sapnap standing in front of him right now. Because back then, they had something that Karl isn’t sure if they have anymore—friendship.
Karl tries his best to hide the tinge of shock that takes over his features. “Honestly, I don’t really know anymore.”
Glacier calves off and scrapes against chilblained skin. Hesitance clouds his logic, but Karl eventually brings himself to look into his eyes. It’s hard to put it into words the way Sapnap stares at him. In a way, it’s hard for Karl to fully comprehend it—the dimmed expression on his face, dejected and cadaver-cold. It takes him to a place somewhere only he knows, unlocks the locked away crate that weighs him down, unravels the shrouded attributes that he jots down by natural instinct.
And yet, he can’t figure it out. He can’t figure out what Sapnap wants from him, with brows curled inward and lip almost bloody from harsh teeth that gnaw at it—his entire stance oozing possession.
“Uh,” Noah coughs to break the silence. “I’ll give you two some privacy. See you around, Karl.”
As soon as Noah disappears from sight, Karl turns to look at Sapnap, shaking his head in disbelief. “You happy now?” He doesn’t have it in him to say anything else—no maudlin words, no conspicuous displays of anger.
Karl doesn’t know when it became so hard meeting those eyes that he used to crave seeing his own reflection in, taking note of every crinkle that appears on the underside of his beaming eyelids.
And now all that runs through his mind is the question of how they turned into this. This—this inscrutable compound of vacant strangers. The assembled multitude of strangers feels suffocating, all crammed closely to one another, covering every inch. A beer bottle breaks on the other side of the house, the loud cackling of lousy drunks sending a ringing sound to his inner ears.
He can’t quite take it anymore, wading into the sea of people, trying to find his way out of the mess.
“Where are you going?” Sapnap raises his voice, footsteps trailing from behind. “Karl.”
He keeps going and going, not letting himself stop, despite knowing that Sapnap is following each and every step.
Goosebumps scurry up his arms once he steps outside, crawling along his bare neck as the harsh wind tousles his hair and nips at his skin.
“Karl,” Sapnap’s hand urgently grips his wrist in an attempt to stop him. “Please.”
“What do you want, Nick?”
“I want you to talk to me. Is that so fucking hard?” Sapnap snaps. Unruly wind rustles the grass below them. “You’re willing to lose what we have because of one stupid argument?”
“Don’t fucking turn this on me,” Karl narrows his blood-flecked eyes, glinted with spite. “This entire thing is your fault.”
“How exactly is it my fault?” Sapnap scowls, the edges of his eyebrows curling inwards.
“You’re unbelievable,” Karl shakes his head. “You were the one who wanted this whole thing. You were the one who kissed me and invited a girl to our room the moment I left. You know, I get that you might not feel the same way. Believe me, I got that pretty quickly. But then you have the nerve to act the way you acted when I was talking to Noah. I dont—” He breathes shakily. “I don’t get that. I’m not interested in being your play toy, Nick. So, please, let’s just end whatever the fuck we’re doing here and move on with our lives. The semester is about to end—I’ll move out after this week and request a new roommate. And then you won’t have to see my face ever again. Alright?”
A moment passes by in silence. Karl hates the way the opalescent moon that frames the sky casts a pearly light, illuminating Sapnap’s face in the most ethereal way. “You think that’s what I want? To never see your face again?”
Karl grinds his chattering teeth. “I know that’s what you want.”
“You could not be more wrong if you tried,” Sapnap speaks under his breath. “Are you at least going to let me speak?”
Karl breathes out, ready to take another step. “I don’t wanna hear it.”
“You assume all this shit about me,” Sapnap bellows, chin lifted in disdain. “But you have no idea what’s really going through my head.”
“There’s not much room left for assumptions, Nick,” Karl hisses. “You invited a girl over the moment I left. So, tell me, what the hell am I making an assumption about? Everything is crystal clear to me.”
“You left,” Sapnap repeats, words of grime keeping him weak on the knees. “We kissed and you left to go on a date with someone else.”
“Nothing happened between Noah and me.” In all honesty, Karl isn’t sure why he feels like he owes an explanation. He gives one anyway.
“It doesn’t matter, Karl,” his fork-tongued voice tingles his skin. “What matters is that you act like I’m supposed to have everything figured out—like it’s supposed to be so fucking easy.”
“I don’t—”
“It’s not easy,” Sapnap punctuates his words with enervating gesticulations. “Nothing about this is easy. I’ve been losing myself. I’ve been losing everything that I thought I already knew,” he swallows thickly. “And you’re not there to help me. You’re not there to make it alright.”
“What—” Anticipation clogs his mind, forehead puckering. “What does that mean?”
“It means that I wanted to be the one to kiss you,” Sapnap admits to the low blow of the night. “It means that I thought of you kissing someone else, and I wanted to punch a fucking hole through the wall,” his chest heaves up and down, eyes staring into his. "It means that I'm falling for you, Karl."
Karl’s breath shudders, a chill running down his esophagus at the confession. Disbelief meddled with ecstatic joy gallops him whole, and he takes a step closer, parts his mouth to say something, anything. His stomach flutters so hard that no coherent words come out.
Perhaps he had never in the most nonviable of his reveries believed that he would be the one on the receiving end of that revelation, that those words would be directed at him and only him. Or perhaps, he's scared witless that after all those months spent drilling the impossibility of it into his own head, letting himself accept it so easily stops the flow of his own blood.
“Say something,” Sapnap pleads. “Please.”
But the look on Sapnap's face is enough to free all of his worries. It tells him all he needs to know, assures him that he really means it.
Undoubtedly, it will take him a few hours—if not days—to give credence and fully swallow it. But right now, none of that matters. There’s only one thing that he longs, aches, to do.
Karl steps closer to Sapnap, eyes darting over tense features, bringing his hand to cup his jaw. Sapnap swallows, his Adam's apple bobbing up and down. “Kiss me,” one more step with a whisper. “Kiss me for real this time.”
Sapnap's mouth parts with disparate worlds of thoughts—shock and jubilation blossoming on his face. Karl knows him—he knows that he's about to ask a question along the lines of "are you sure?", so he doesn't tear his devoted eyes away from Sapnap's, giving him a steadfast nod. After that, Sapnap's quick to obey, leaning in, resting his hand on top of Karl's.
It feels as though all of his sensations are heightened when their lips connect together, spurring him on with amorous sensuality.
Molding together, they kiss for what feels like an eternity. It’s not much different from the first time, still filled with so much passion, so much thrill. But this time, there is a sense of comfort that reposes behind it, the promise of something beyond just guilty craving. Lips flooded with lustful heat, Karl lets his hand rest on Sapnap’s shoulders, trying to pull him even closer even though there’s no more space left between them. Touches racked with bliss press against his skin, and each square of his body dissolves into him, completing him in every possible way.
“God, you’re going to be the death of me,” Sapnap whispers into the kiss. It echoes in his mind, transcends words, crackling the electricity around the two of them.
All Karl can do is kiss him again. Kiss him until they are spent, out of breath and dizzy from the adrenaline rush.
Stiff limbs soften when Sapnap’s hand interlocks with his, exuberant smiles encompassing their faces. “It was always real."