Chapter Text
Getting gigs again had been easy. Susie had instantly jumped to the phone and had been glued to it the entire night. After Carnegie, Midge had been in that odd state of being tired but buzzing so she had decided, at 2am, to journey to Susie's, tell her the news in person and sleep there that night. She had told her parents she wouldn't be coming home that night anyway…how presumptuous she had been.
It had taken several knocks of increasing strength for a disgruntled Susie to open the door. Midge held in a snort at seeing her manager in a t-shirt and boxers.
"This better be fucking important, Miriam. I just got to sleep." Susie had snapped after taking a few seconds to realise who was standing in front of her.
Midge took a deep breath. "I will do opening acts. I will do closing acts, I will do anything that I can get my hands on. I'm done hiding. I'm done being dumb. I'm sorry."
Susie had blinked a few times, hand still on the door handle. "For real?"
It was just a nod in reply. Susie then moved in a blurr, leaving the door open for Midge to cautiously close behind her. When Susie reached for the phone, Midge had asked "Can I stay here tonight?"
Susie had muttered something along the lines of "Yeah, sure" and Midge had plumped the pillows, collapsing on the sofa.
She wanted to sleep. She needed to sleep. She couldn’t sleep. Lenny’s words rang round and round in her head. Seeing him so broken, so angry when he should have been celebrating and knowing that she was the one who caused it caused her heart to squeeze painfully. He had said that she put him on a pedestal and she was starting to think he was right. Up until now, Lenny had been this almost mystical being. A mystery who flitted in and out of her life, laughing and flirting with her but then, on the stage, he seemed…real. Perhaps for the first time. She saw more of him in ten minutes than he probably showed anyone in years and she didn’t quite know how to process that. She had hurt him. Oh, God, she had hurt him. The one person she never wanted to disappoint. But maybe that was just her putting him on that pedestal again, she didn’t know. What she did know was that she wanted him. She wanted to talk to him, to hold him, reassure him. She knew that she would never get that again. She had blown it. Her one chance at being with the possible man of her dreams and she had blown it.
At some point during her pity party, she had fallen asleep. She hadn’t noticed until, several hours later, Midge had woken up momentarily and through bleary eyes saw Susie still on the phone. She looked like a cat in a cream factory. Blinking slowly, Midge had turned to the clock on the wall which said five am. She groaned.
“Susie?” She had rasped. “Have you been calling people for three hours?” How had Susie even found people to call in the silly hours of the morning?
“I’m almost done.” Susie batted her away. With that, Midge drifted back to sleep.
It took several days for Susie to finally find time to ask why Midge had changed her mind. They were having a drink after her first gig and multiple martinis in, the comedian still wasn’t drunk enough to talk about it.
“So, why did ya change your mind?” Susie asked, leaning forward on the stool and putting her arms on the bar.
Midge shook her head quickly. “It’s nothing. I just…realised that I was being an idiot.”
Susie snorted. “Oh, come on Midge, I know you. You’re not suddenly just going to have an epiphany unless something pushes you over the line. What was it?”
“It’s nothing, Susie.”
Susie pursed her lips and, just as Midge was about to take a swig out of her drink, pulled it from her grip.
"Hey!” Midge complained at a pitch that if it were a notch higher, only dogs would be able to hear.
“You have it back when you tell me what’s going on.”
“You’re being ridiculous.”
“So are you! Tell me, Miriam!”
“I’m not a trained seal! And besides I can just get another drink.”
“And see this one go to waste?” Susie slowly stretched her hand that held the drink out behind her and slowly started to tip.
“Oh come ooon!” Midge whined as a little bit trickled onto the floor.
“Had enough?”
“You’re a child!” Midge snapped, her sober mind managing to fight it’s way through.
“Yup! And if you don’t tell me what’s going on right now, not only am I going to pour the entire of this shit on the floor, I’m also going to book you a gig in a certain mid-way to midtown place.”
Midge’s face darkened. “You wouldn’t.”
“Oh, you bet I would. And you know what you’d be allowed to talk about?”
“Don’t.”
“Nooooothin’! You’d be restricted to infantilizing housewife jokes and gags about cake!”
“Fine!” Midge exploded, only causing a few people to look at them briefly. She wanted to slap Susie’s smug look off her face as she handed Midge the drink back.
“Spill.” Her manager grinned.
Midge grabbed the drink and downed it as quickly as she could, ignoring the stick with an olive in it poking her face. After a few moments silence, she could still only bare to look at her hands in front of her. “You know Lenny got me that Tony Bennet gig?”
“...Yeah?”
“Well he found out that I’d turned it down. And let’s just say he wasn’t happy.”
“Understandably.”
Midge winced. “He gave me this whole lecture on my career and my potential and how he didn’t want me to screw it up. He told me there was no way I was going to get ahead if I kept doing what I was doing.”
Susie didn’t say anything for a moment. “I’ve been telling you that for months.” She said quietly.
Midge felt her heart twist again. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
The expression on Susie’s face, Midge couldn’t quite place but she could see the cogs turning in her mind. “Why’d you listen to him?”
“What?”
“When he told you to get your head out of your arse. Why’d you listen to him? Why not me? Why not everyone else who has told you that?”
Midge swallowed and blinked away the will to cry so she just shrugged. “I don’t know.” She breathed.
Susie didn’t look convinced but nodded slowly. “Uh huh.”
The topic was not brought up again.
**********
The month that followed was grey. If it were weather, it would be smog. The kind that even a torch would not be able to penetrate and it would take a truck’s horn to make you realise you were even walking in the road. I should probably specify, it wasn’t physically grey. Physically, it was the most beautiful it had been in months. With the snow drifting down and the skies oddly blue, Christmas music in everyone’s ears. Midge just saw grey. She saw grey and felt blue. It was funny how ‘blue’ can be a colour to describe so many things. If you see something blue, it’s happy. If you feel blue, it’s sad. If you say or do something blue, it’s dirty. She wondered if they were all different shades and knew exactly which shade she would associate with the last one.
People seemed to notice Midge’s blueness however it took a while for any to comment on it. The first ones to do so were her parents.
They were sitting at dinner one night and Midge was innocently eating her mashed potato, hardly deserving the barricade of questions she received.
“So how’s work going?” Her father asked.
Midge was a little shocked at the fact that Abe brought up her career but was more than happy to reply.
“Well, actually. Susie managed to wangle me an interview for tomorrow. With any luck, you’ll soon be looking at the opener for the Gordon Ford show.”
Her parents seemed pleased with this and gave polite nods. She took this as the best she was going to get.
“So whatever happened to your job in that strip club?”
And there it was. Okay, maybe she had exaggerated the bombardment a little, but the two questions were enough. Midge allowed herself to take a silly amount of time chewing until she answered.
“Oh, I just…decided to move on.” Probably best not to mention the raid.
“Well I am glad you finally saw sense.” Her mother said sharply. “I don’t know what possessed you to start working there in the first place.”
“It was a steady income when we really needed it, Mama.”
“There are plenty of ways to make a steady income and I bet that most of them are legal.”
Midge turned to Abe with angry eyes. “Yes, thank you Papa.”
No one replied to this and Abe and Rose watched as their daughter angrily stabbed the food in front of her. Just why she was angry, they weren’t quite sure. They had noticed it not long after Moishe came out of hospital. She was subdued and for a few moments they had rejoiced in it. Midge could be a little too energetic sometimes. They had assumed it was because she was tired but after a week of it, they had started to clock on that something was wrong. She wasn’t as talkative, her walk lost that little bounce and her voice lost it’s lilt. They had started to worry.
Rose eyed her husband across the table from her and gestured her head towards Miriam. Abe quickly frowned and shook his head which caused Rose to nod rapidly. He winced as she eyed him with a stern look that she had passed down to Miriam. Maybe he was being paranoid, but he was sure that Esther was starting to learn it too.
Sighing, he spoke up. “Miriam. Your mother and I can’t help noticing…” Midge ignored him. “Well, to put it simply, are you alright?”
At that moment, Midge’s mashed potatoes were incredibly interesting. “Of Course.” She said chirpily, not looking up from them. Abe faltered slightly, not knowing what to say. He looked to his wife in hope of refuge.
“You have seemed down recently, darling.” Rose purred.
“Nope!” Midge put on a grin and shrugged. “I’m fine. Stop worrying.”
Realising that it was a dead end, the couple gave up but kept a close eye on their daughter through the rest of dinner. Midge, meanwhile, was trying not to break. The dam in her mind was still sturdy and she ignored the crack that appeared. A crack that didn’t last long because the very next day, the entire dam broke.
**********
She was in the park with Imogene, who had said that she looked too pale and needed to get out in the sun. They had left the kids behind and were having what Imogene called ‘a desperately needed girly outing’.
They were sitting by the lake on a wet, uncomfortable bench when Imoegene brought it up. They had been sitting in silence for at least five minutes and she had had enough.
“Midge. What has happened?” She said in her determined yet slightly squeaky voice.
“What are you talking about?” Midge asked, focused on seeing a couple ducks dive down and up again in the cold water.
“You’ve been in a mood all month. I’m fed up with it. Enough is enough.”
Midge gave her an exasperated look. “Why does everyone keep thinking something is wrong?”
“I didn’t say anything was wrong, I said something had happened. Which it has.”
“Imogene, I can’t…” Midge took a breath and closed her eyes. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Whatever it is, you keep bottling it up and it’s just going to get worse.” Imogene stuck her nose up in the air slightly and her blonde curls bounced around her face.
Midge sighed. “Just…personal things. Don’t worry about it.” At this, Imogene slowly raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. Midge looked at her friend and let out a mirthless chuckle. “Fine.” She snapped. “I just screwed up any potential relationship I could have had with the maybe love of my life. And now he’s mad at me and probably never wants to see me again.”
Imogene’s posture became less offensive in a second and she slowly put a hand on Midge’s shoulder.
“What happened?” She whispered.
Midge sniffled. “He found out that I was unconsciously ruining my career. I was an idiot and he told me as such. He got so mad, Imogene. Mad and hurt. And then I brought up some things I shouldn’t have…” She stopped to shake her head and Imogene let her take a pause. “I’m worried about him. I think he’s…I think things are worse for him than he’s letting on and he won’t let anyone help. He sure as hell won’t let me help after our argument.”
Imogene bit her lip slightly, thinking. “So the last you saw him, you argued?” Midge nodded. “And how long ago was this?”
“About a month.”
“Have you even thought about contacting him?”
“He’s not going to want to talk to me.”
Imogene exhaled and slapped her friend slightly on the shoulder. “You idiot, you love him! And I’m sure he loves you too! Of course he wants to see you!”
“First off, I didn’t say I love him. Secondly, I’m not going to risk it, Imoegene. What if I find him and he turns me down, says he never wants to see me again? I’m not sure I could handle that. Him not being in my life anymore. I mean, it’s only been one month without him and practically everyone has noticed how down I’ve been. If I keep away from him, this feeling will go away. But if I talk to him and it goes badly, I’ll have this feeling forever.”
Imogene had sympathy on her face again and Midge hated how vulnerable it made her feel.
“You really do love him.” The blonde said slowly.
Not willing to accept it, Midge put her head in her hands and whined. “He’s just so…so wrong on paper. But so perfect in person. He’s the only one I can be myself around.”
“Hey!”
This caused Midge to actually chuckle. “You know what I mean.”
Imoegen nodded. She did, she felt that way about Archie. After a few moments of silence and looking at the water in front of them, she asked. “Who is this guy anyway? Do I know him?”
Midge shook her head.
“Can I meet him?”
“Imogene!”
“What? Tell me who he is!”
Midge faltered slightly, debating in her head whether it was a smart idea. She trusted Imogene, of course, but whatever she told Imogene she automatically told Archie as well. And she didn’t know who Archie would tell. “Lenny Bruce.” She muttered under her breath.
“What was that?”
“Lenny Bruce!” She said loudly before blushing a deep red as a slow grin crept up Imogene’s face.
“The comedian?”
“Yes, the comedian, what other Lenny Bruce is there?”
“Now I think about it, I did think Archie said something about Joel saying you knew him. But never anything about you guys being close.”
“That’s because Joel doesn’t know. It’s none of his business.”
“He’s really famous isn’t he? Archie and Joel used to talk about him all the time! Didn’t he perform at Carnegie hall a month ago? Archie wanted to get tickets but they sold out so quickly.”
“Yes.” Midge deflated. “He did.”
Imogene noticed the shift in her friend’s tone and her face pale slightly. The dots connected.
“Noooo. Carnegie hall?”
Midge winced and put her head in her hands again.
“You fought at Carnegie hall?”
“Imoegene, please! I don’t want to talk about him anymore, I can’t bear it!”
“Then don’t talk about him. Talk to him.”
“No.” Midge snarled. “I’ve told you. I’m just going to let this pass. I’m sure it’s a phase.”
Imogene scoffed. “Oh, yes, a phase. A simple crush on the man you just called the maybe love of your life.”
Midge clenched her jaw.
**********
So as it turned out, telling Imogene probably wasn’t the best idea. Because she had told Archie and then I think you can guess what happened from there. About a week later, Midge was meeting with Joel at their usual cafe spot, to go over the itinerary for the month and discuss the fact that Midge had been brought in to Ethan’s school because he had got in a fight with another kid.
“And he refused to apologise until I threatened to take away his TV time.” Midge said angrily.
“Won’t even tell me what caused it. Just said that the other kid was being mean.”
“Then he was probably being mean.” Joel was uninterested in the whole thing and had been looking at Midge weirdly throughout the whole time they had been sitting down.
“He shouldn’t be getting into fights, Joel.” Midge said deliberately, almost spitting the words at him. When Joel didn’t reply, she carried on. “Honestly, it was the last thing I needed to get a call from his headteacher. I hate talking to his headteacher.”
Joel nodded solemnly. Overly solemnly. “Yeah, yeah, I know.” She was about to start ranting again when he spoke up. “How’ve you been by the way?”
“Ace, thanks for asking.” She slapped on a grin before she drank her coffee.
“You’ve been pretty stressed lately. And that’s coming from me. The king of stress at the moment.”
“Yes, I know I’m the one who crowned you.”
“Precisely!”
When Midge said nothing, he huffed. “You’re really not going to tell me?”
“Tell you what?”
“I thought you trusted me!”
“Well…”
“I thought we were friends!”
“We are.”
“Then will you tell me why you’ve been having such mood swings lately?”
“Mood swings?!”
“Sad one second, angry the next. But not happy, never happy.”
“I’ve been working a lot. Getting back on my feet.”
“Bullshit!”
A few people coughed around them and Midge glared at her ex husband. Joel seemed a little sheepish at his outburst so leaned forward on the table to whisper to her slightly.
“Archie told me Imogene told him you’re pining over some guy.”
Midge disliked the word ‘pining’ but couldn’t entirely disagree with it. “I’m not pining.” She tried. “At the risk of sounding like a teenager, I’m trying to get over a guy.”
“Why?”
“What?”
“Why are you trying to get over him?”
“Because I blew it and now he doesn’t want to see me.”
Joel frowned at her. “Then he’s an idiot.”
Maybe it was the fact that she had spent so long convincing herself that Lenny didn’t want to see her, but for a split second she actually believed that he had said so and didn’t bat away Joel’s comment. Then came the fear. How much had Imogene said?
“Joel?”
“Hmm?”
“Did Imogene tell Archie who I’m…”
“Nah.” Joel interrupted her. “Just said it was someone we didn’t know. Why, who is it?”
Midge shrugged. “Someone you don’t know.”
They listened to the clutter of knives and forks and people chatting around them for a moment. Right when Midge was about to ask how things were going with Mei - well, she knew it was going well from when she asked yesterday, she was really running out of ways to make small talk with Joel - he spoke up.
“How’s it going anyway? The getting over him?”
“Awfully.” Midge said honestly. He was on her mind constantly and she didn’t even want to start getting into the dreams she had been having.
Joel seemed to contemplate something for a second. “You free tonight?”
“Yeees.” Midge said cautiously, leaning away from him slightly.
“Archie, Imoegene, Mei and I bought tickets at this club uptown. Super fancy, celebrating Archie’s promotion. Anway, it turns out Mei couldn't make it. Some work thing. We were thinking of asking Donny, but I think you’d appreciate a comedy night more than him.”
Midge shifted uncomfortably. “Joel, I don’t know.”
“You need a break.” Joel insisted. “And besides, when was the last time we were out, the four of us? It’ll be like old times.”
“Not exactly like old times.” Midge made sure to interject.
Joel’s face faltered for a second before “...no, you’re right. It’ll be better. Come on! Go out for an evening with your friends. Take a break. Your parents can watch the kids.”
Midge twiddled with her fork and stared intently at the pepper shaker. She could do with a night out. And this could be seen as a test run, if she could really hang out with Joel properly as friends. If not, they would just go back to being co-parents. Simple.
“How fancy?” She asked.
**********
Very fancy, was the answer. It was a club uptown that Midge didn’t even know deserved to be called a club. A club insinuated dark and dirty but this was…flamboyant. She felt a little underdressed as she, Joel, Archie and Imogene weaved through the crowds of people all dressed in feathers and pearls. She didn’t even know that people this posh stayed up this late. Their seats were at the back, in a corner that would have been damp if it were an actual club.
“Sorry about this table.” Joel said to his friend. “It was the cheapest one. You don’t even want to know how much the others were.”
Archie scoffed and patted his friends back. “Don’t sweat it. I can’t believe we’re here. And just for my little promotion.”
“It’s a big promotion.” Imoegene scolded him as she hung her coat on the back of her chair. As the three of them sat down, a waiter - yes, a waiter - asked for their drink orders.
“Are you sure this is really a club?” Midge asked once he had left.
“What is says on the packaging.” Joel said.
They talked for about 15 minutes before the MC came on stage. Throughout the entire thing, Imoegene had been looking at her over her cocktail glass, smirking and giggling every now and then. Midge had thought to call her out on it but she didn’t want to ruin a night that had just started. Besides, she had probably just had a little pre-party with her husband before they arrived and she was certain that this wasn’t cocktail number one. Even more certain when the MC announced they would be having four comics this evening and she spluttered a chuckle into her drink.
“Okay, what’s going on?” Midge hissed at her.
Imogene shook her head. “I just can’t believe Joel convinced you to come tonight.”
Midge stopped a little, taken aback. “...Why?”
Imogene shrugged, piercing her lips to stop herself from laughing. “No reason.”
Midge wasn’t about to let this slide but before she could say anything, they were clapping for the first act and she knew from personal experience how awful it was to have people talking during your set. Not that she had experience in a place as fancy as this.
The comedians were good, really good, and she recognised most of them from posters, records, or watching their previous shows. Couldn’t place their names for the life of her though. The others seemed to be enjoying it too. Joel and Archie were fully immersed and even Imogene had calmed slightly. That was, until the last act was about to be announced. The MC strided on stage, clapping along with the audience as the third comedian strutted off. Imogene instantly squealed. The men too looked excited but Midge guessed for a different reason than her best friend.
“Alright!” The MC boomed into the mic. “Now for the fourth and final act. He’s been shooting to stardom these past few months and I think it’s safe to say you all know him, you all love him…” (another laugh from the blonde)
“...Lenny Bruce!”
The room erupted. Midge’s heart stopped.