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I understand! I understand what I’m doing!
Do I? Do I understand? Do I understand and let it happen? Or do I purposefully push any coherent thought away? It’s my mission. My duty! It’s everything I have! Isn’t it? It is, isn’t it?
I can’t change! I don’t have the freedom you do!
I can’t! I can’t! I can’t! If I do, I lose everything! I don’t have the freedom! I’m a slave like all the others! Chains around my neck that bind me to this Gear, to this cause! Chains that guarantee a home… Is it so bad? Is it worth throwing away? Just to have that freedom?
That’s my place!
Is it? My place in this world? I’ve only ever known this, I haven’t known anything else. How can I be so sure this is my place in this world? But it’s worked out for me, hasn’t it? Why should I leave? How could I leave? You say it’s easy but is it really? It’s easy for you because there’s nothing holding you back! But what about me? I don’t have the ability to simply leave! Do I?
“Do you enjoy this?” he asks.
Don’t be ridiculous! I would never find pleasure in this!
“If that’s the case then come with me. Just forget everything and come with me.”
But how? How can I forget everything? After all I’ve done, am I allowed to simply forget everything? These orders I followed, I followed them out of my own volition, didn’t I? Am I allowed to simply walk away from this life, disregarding all the lives I took?
“Look at this town,” he says, dragging me across the roof of a tall building. “Take a good look. This is what you’ve done!”
All the burning houses, screaming people. This is what I’ve done! This is what my obedience caused! All of this pain, because I followed orders!
“Does the word ‘duty’ justify all of this? Does it?!”
But that’s all that was left!
“You’re still saying that?!”
I am, aren't I? I’m still saying that, after all of this… What am I? What have I become? Who have I become? I’m one of them, truly… Someone who acts with complete disregard of human lives. That’s who I’ve become…
“It’s just not like you,” he speaks softly. “If you don’t want to then don’t do it. You shouldn’t have to force it just to have a place to belong…”
…what am I doing? Why does he see this before I do? My hands are shaking, my voice faltering, my eyes watery after every mission yet I couldn’t see it… Was I really that blind? But what could I have done? Where could I have gone? There was no opportunity to leave, no opportunity for a better life. But there’s one now, isn’t there?
“I think it’s better to fight than do nothing. If fighting helps you or your friends even a little bit then it’s worthwhile.”
It never helped before, did it? Then what did I fight for? I didn’t fight for my nation, I had no real attachments to it or the army. I certainly wasn’t fighting for myself and I had no real friends to speak of to fight for either. I had tried to keep the squad safe, but that is hardly enough of a reason to fight.
“That’s……not nothing……it’s something.” Then he flies off, back to the fight above.
It’s not nothing……it’s something…
What was the point of my actions? To fuel the war? Ensure it would continue on? In the end, none of it mattered. My actions all resulted in nothing.
Up there, Fei is fighting for people he has no connections to. Those people who stare in horror at the fight above their home. Their burning home. Why can’t I do the same? ‘If fighting helps even a little bit then it’s worthwhile.’ It’s helping now, isn’t it? I just need to move. Move and help. Help Fei, help these people…help myself.
They're struggling to stop the Hecht, but with three Gears that’s no problem. We can’t fully stop it or avoid casualties, but we can at least stop it from going straight into the reactor.
“Damn, we’re overheating! Hanging on anymore will just be suicide!”
But we can’t just leave them! We can’t… I can’t… leave…
“Elly! What are you doing?!”
My duty. I’m doing my duty, Fei. What other option is there?
It’s better than doing nothing!
At least this way casualties will be kept to a minimum. I just need to hold on a bit longer…
No, the boosters! They’re failing! No, please, just hold on a bit longer! Just a bit more!
…we made it, Fei. We saved the city. Perhaps one day you’ll be able to forgive me, for putting you through all of this… I did it. Something. I left a mark on this world after all. Fei…
…
H-huh…? I’m…alive…? That gear… W-who…are you? Why me…?
Fei…perhaps you were right… Perhaps…I can escape…after all…