Chapter Text
I was naïve.
Everyone was actually. If only the world was as simple as it seemed to be as a child. You could live without the stress of bills or work or getting through each day on your own. You could be beside the one you love without any troubles. You could be loved without any troubles. Life would be great. Life was great. I was naïve just like any normal child, and that was probably the best time of my life. But then people grew up.
I grew up.
Now I realize that things are never as simple as they seem to be and that the world is really just as fucked up as you are. Love and relationships are just things that happen in stories and fairytales, and getting your hopes up only means you’ve got a bigger and harder fall to the bottom than normal. Happiness just never happens, and it’s stupid to think it ever will. I guess you could call me a cynic or jaded or whatever the fuck kinda title you wanna give me, but I know better now. I won’t get hurt, and I won’t get disappointed.
Dreams are for the naïve.
“It’s been five years, huh?” I sigh as I look up at the way too fancy hotel. Seriously, why bother reserving some grand ballroom in this fancy ass hotel for just a class reunion? It’s not like any of us have become high rollers in the short five years since we graduated from high school, so there’s no one to impress. Heck, some of us might even still be in college. I know I just graduated.
I also know. . .that things will have changed. We’ve all grown up and gone our separate ways. It’s been five years since I last saw anyone from Hakone Academy let alone talked to them. Hell, I don’t even know why I came here tonight. If I wanted to keep having my uninterrupted, sane life, I wouldn’t have asked my boss to leave early today just to come to the place where it all began. It’s not like I wanted to see anyone or anything. . .and I especially don’t want to see him.
I give another look at the stupid fancy piece of paper in my hand and sigh. If only I hadn’t gotten the stupid invite while I was at work, my boss and coworkers wouldn’t have pressured me to come tonight. I could still be at the office now staring a nice long piece of code or whatever. Hell, I could even be out at some random bar, hooking up with some stranger I met, but I’m not. Instead I’m here, in front of the place where everyone I’ve tried my hardest to avoid for the past five years is. If I were to get my hopes up, I’d say that maybe I wouldn’t run into anyone here—that I wouldn’t run into him here—but I know better than that now.
. . .Well, I’m already here with my stupid invitation in hand, so I might as well at least go in and drink some booze. With another sigh, I head in, not surprised in the least to see that there’s already a lot of people inside since I’m like an hour or so late. The room itself is actually pretty nice. There’s a bunch of blue balloons and streamers and whatnot—hooray for school colors—a bunch of tables and chairs set up everywhere which some people have already started taking advantage of (more the people who have let themselves go and the girls who have already gotten knocked up than anyone), and of course, there was a line of tables thrown together topped with small dainty foods, drinks, and booze.
I quickly glance around the room before heading over to the alcohol and pouring myself a glass of wine to start with though I know I’ll eventually dip into some of the stronger alcohol later. Taking my glass, I go and lean against a wall, gingerly sipping at it so as to waste time.
“I never thought I’d find you here, Arakita. It’s been a while.” My head turns towards the voice, and for once, I find myself happy that I came. I smile as a certain blond stands next to me and leans against the wall as well.
“Yo, Fuku-chan. It’s been a while hasn’t it? You doing well?” I ask, taking another sip of my wine.
“More or less. Racing has been good. My new team is really starting to work well together, so I think we’ll start to win a lot of our upcoming races. Still. . .after all these years, it’s just not the same without you,” he sighs and glances down at his own cup—nothing alcoholic since he can’t handle it very well.
“Fuku-chan, I thought I told you already. I don’t race for anyone but me. . .though I’ve stopped seriously racing for a while now-“
“Is that so? It’s a shame. You were always so strong, but I guess so long as you’re still moving forward and aren’t stuck on the past then it’s okay. What have you been doing lately? You are doing something to take care of yourself, right?”
“I-“ I swallow my words and look down at my cup instead. So he knew. He knew what happened five years ago, and yet he didn’t say a word to me. Well, to be honest I haven’t said a word to anyone, but this pity. . .I don’t need it. I came here to get rid of that shit and be done with it all once and for all. This is how I’ll continue to move forward.
“I’m fine. Shortly after graduating a couple of months ago, I got hired as a systems worker and tech support for Y Company. I’m just at a small branch office right now, but my boss is pretty cool and it seems like she kinda likes me. No one in the building is as good at technology and coding and shit like that as me though, so everyone kinda has to kiss my ass if they want me to do something.” I’m rambling, and I know it but I can’t stand having Fuku-chan look at me like I need someone’s pity to move on from that. Slowly but surely I’ve been moving forward since that night.
I moved on a long time ago.
“That’s good. It looks like you’ve got things straightened out then. I won’t push you, but if you ever want to just go for a ride sometimes with me, I’d be more than willing to train with you again,” Fuku-chan offers. I smile and snort a little.
“Yeah, yeah, you’re just gonna run me into the pavement, so no thanks. I haven’t raced in a while so I’ll just be eating your dust,” I scoff as I sip at my wine some more.
“Still got alcohol on the brain I see, Arakita. I can’t believe you are just letting him be free, Fuku. Seriously, it looks like I can’t leave you two alone for five minutes let alone five years,” a familiar nagging voice sighs, and though I start to glare, I feel a bit relieved.
“Shut up, Toudou. You weren’t my mom in high school, and you’re still not my mom,” I tease and chug down the rest of my wine just to spite him. “Now c’mon. I wanna move onto the hard stuff now that I’ve finished my wine.”
“Geez, you really. . .It’s good to see you again, Yasutomo.” Toudou gives up and smiles at me with his hands on his hips, and it startles me a little. I didn’t expect Toudou of all people to admit that he missed me.
He looks good though, in fact both of them do. Fuku-chan’s gotten a little taller and still looks pretty fit, I can tell even through the white tux he’s wearing. Toudou still has to be the star of the show in his dark red suit, but he looks healthy. His hair is still the same length, and he has a red headband on tonight to match his suit. I guess I’m the only who’s changed, though not by much. Since I haven’t really been that active lately I’ve lost a bit of muscle that I had, but it’s not as though I’m too terribly skinny now.
“So I don’t know about you guys, but I’m liking the life of not having to be a student anymore. No more classes to attend, and no teachers to yell at you anymore. Sure, there are bosses to report to and work to go to, but it’s not all that bad,” Toudou says, playing with his hair while I grab a chilled beer. I snort and open it open, smirking at him as I take a sip.
“Yeah, but you work at your family’s inn, and your ‘boss’ is just your sister isn’t it? I bet you don’t even hate your job since it’s in the family and you just have one big sister complex,” I tease.
“That’s not true! How dare you say that?! I work very hard to please our guests and that’s probably harder than you work! Let me guess, you just have some sorry desk job somewhere small,” Toudou spits, folding his arms over his chest.
“Something like that,” I mumble as I look around. So far so good.
I hear Toudou sigh and I raise a brow at him. “Hayato isn’t here yet. He said he would be really late, but I think he’ll be here soon.” Dammit, curse your good perception, Toudou. I quickly down the rest of that beer and grab another bottle.
“I wasn’t looking for him. I wasn’t looking for anyone,” I lie, picking up my pace as I drink. If he’s going to be here soon, I don’t wanna be sober when I see him.
“Arakita, don’t you think you should slow down a little?” Fuku-chan put a hand on my arm to stop me, but I shook him off.
“It’s fine. It’s not like I’m gonna end up in some ditch somewhere if I keep drinking. I know what I’m doing,” I insist and down the rest of that. Just as I start to open my third bottle, a different hand stops me and I freeze.
“I see you’re still heavy on the alcohol, aren’t you, Yasutomo?” Hearing his voice momentarily makes me weak, and it’s almost like I’m back in time five years ago. But I know that’s not the case, so I shake him off and open the bottle but don’t drink anything yet.
“And like I keep telling you assholes, it’s fine. I know what I’m doing. I knew what I was doing in high school too,” I retort and he fucking chuckles. I glare at him and down a bit more beer. I fucking hate that I still like hearing the sound of that, and I fucking hate that he looks as good—maybe even better—than he did five years ago.
“It’s good to see that even after five years you haven’t changed a bit, Yasutomo,” Shinkai smiles at me and greets the other two. I glare at his back. You’re the one who hasn’t changed at all, asshole.
-5 years ago-
It’s loud and hot and a little cramped for space. We third years are at someone’s house off campus for a party since we were invited, but I really only came because Shinkai asked me to. We haven’t really done much since we got here except lean against one of the walls and watch the rest of the party unfold before us.
“I feel sorry for whoever’s house this is. Who thought it was a good idea to have alcohol at a fucking high school graduation party just a week before we actually graduate?” I ask to Shinkai beside me. With the music playing so loudly, we have to lean in towards each other to hear what we’re saying, but I don’t mind since our heads or shoulders or arms brush against each other when we do. He laughs at my question, his nose crinkling up a little as he does and shakes his head at me.
“Who knows? But, this is still a fun party regardless, right?” He smiles again as someone runs by us butt-naked before a blanket’s thrown around the idiot.
“Fun, or fucking stupid?” I joke and smile as he chuckles. I inwardly sigh, feeling light and bubbly again. I’ve known for a while now that Shinkai makes me feel like this, but I try my hardest to keep it hidden on the off chance he doesn’t feel the same way and it ruins our friendship. Fuku-chan would have our heads if it interfered with club, but really I think I’m fine with just enjoying him laughing at my stupid jokes and having a good time. After all, we’re going to different colleges. I can just easily forget my feelings after graduation.
“What do you say we wet our whistles too?” I ask, making a chugging gesture with my hand. He raises a brow at me, completely used to my vulgar gestures by now.
“Are you being serious? I thought you were against drinking here.”
“Nah, it’s always fun to indulge, but if you aren’t gonna drink, I sure fucking am.”
I head to the kitchen of the house and hear him following just a step or two behind me. I grab a few bottles of beer and we both sit ourselves down at the kitchen table. He’s giving me a skeptical look as I open the first bottle. I take a few sips, letting the alcohol sting my throat before saying something.
“What? Do I have something on my face or something?” I take a few more sips, slowly getting used to the sting again. It’s not my first time having alcohol, so at the very least I’ll know when I need to stop before I get too shitfaced drunk.
“Are you really going to drink all of that beer? I don’t really think that’s a good idea, Yasutomo” he started, his face showing his concern. I hesitate for a bit before finishing off the first bottle and smile proudly at him.
“Don’t worry, this’ll be fine. I can drink this much for sure. Just stop me if I try to drink any more than this. This isn’t my first time drinking after all,” I snort and open the second bottle. I pause at the warmth of his hand on my upper arm, and I see him giving me that stupid puppy dog eye look I can’t refuse.
“Alright, I’ll do that, but just be careful, alright? I don’t want to see you getting hurt or doing something stupid.” I nod, a bit of blush on my cheeks as he slowly pulls his arm away. I’d like to think I’m making up how caring and gently and how much he touches me, but I don’t think I am. Maybe. . .
“Yasutomo? Are you coming?” I snap back to attention to see Shinkai staring at me expectantly before gesturing to the center of the room. “We’re all going to sit at a table nearby to really catch up.”
“Oh, yeah I’m coming,” I mumble and follow them all. Fucking learn from your mistakes, stupid! This is no time to be getting caught in the past. The time is now, and you’re better than that. You’re over him, and you’re definitely not still pining.
“Oh yeah, I almost forgot, but my sister sends her thanks for last week. It was nice of you to stay at our inn, Hayato. She just loves having you around,” Toudou started once we were all seated. I stopped a waiter walking by and asked him to bring me another beer as I settled into my seat.
“Of course, I like to try to stay there every once in a while. It’s getting increasingly hard though with vet classes taking up most of my time,” Shinkai chuckles, a slightly exasperated expression on his face.
“Well, you are working hard towards your goal, and there’s nothing wrong with that. You should be proud of yourself, Shinkai,” Fuku-chan offers.
The conversation continues on like that, and I say a few small lines here and there and offer a few grunts, but I don’t really say much. Instead, I’m too focused on Shinkai to do much except down more beer.
He really does look good. His reddish-brown hair is a bit longer now so it reaches the bottom of his neck, but now that it’s longer it’s a bit more curly towards the tips. He still has the same droopy eyes, but they seem more. . .confident than they did in high school. Then they were more open and playful, but now they’re really strong and determined. His skin looks tanner too, so I guess that he’s also continued bike racing—as if the muscles protruding from his suit didn’t already suggest that. The classy black suit is a bit snug on his muscles, but it suits him well for the most part, the red dress shirt underneath a nice accent.
I hadn’t realized how long it had been or how many beers I had had until they all start to stand up. I look around at all of them a bit slow to react, but Fuku-chan and Toudou just smile and wave as they leave. I feel a strong, warm hand on my back, and I look up at Shinkai confused.
“Yasutomo, we’re all going around to talk to other people we knew. If you wait here for me, I’ll come back and we can really talk since you were kinda quiet earlier,” he smiles at me, and I really wish he would just go away already. No one wants your company. . .
Who am I kidding? I want his company.
“Yeah, well maybe I just didn’t have much to share,” I scoff and raise the bottle of beer to drink some more. How many has that been now?
He puts a hand on mine to stop me and gives me a very serious narrow gaze all while smiling. I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks under that look, but I don’t look away. It’s been a while since he’s looked at me like that, since we’ve been this close, since he’s touched me that I’m all too weak to him. I hate it, but I can’t stop.
“Yasutomo, I want to talk with you more, even if you don’t have much to say.” His voice is low as he speaks, his face so close I can feel the heat of his breath on my face. He pulls away and smiles lightheartedly again. “Five years is really too long. I’ve missed you, Yasutomo. If you won’t talk to me later, at the very least, try to stay in touch, alright?”
He walks away, leaving me breathless and speechless at the same time. I sigh and stare at my mess of empty beer bottles wondering just what the hell is wrong with me. Even after all this time, all this distance, all this. . .disappointment, I’m still the same as I was five years ago. I’m still helplessly in love with that sprinting demon, and what’s worse is that now I’ve proven nothing can change that. He still affects me so much, he’s still on my mind, and that will never change.
Maybe there’s just no escaping the sick trap he’s laid out for me.
-5 years ago-
At some point in time, the kitchen became too crowded, so now Shinkai and I are sitting on the couch, talking with some random people. Shinkai as always is pretty popular and is cracking jokes with everyone while I just watch. I don’t really mind it though, because then I can see all of him, his laughing face, his face when he’s concentrated on something, the look in his eyes when something someone says clicks with him, and the way he moves when he laughs. We’re sitting pretty closely now, our legs brushing against each other, his arm either right against mine or along the back of the couch behind my neck, his fingers sometimes brushing against the sensitive skin on the back of my neck. It all has me so dazed, so I don’t even notice when he tries to talk to me.
“Hey, Yasutomo. . .don’t you think you’ve had a couple too many now?” Shinkai asked, one hand on my back, the other stopping me from having another beer. I scratch at my head, trying to think how many beers I’ve had now, but I give up. If my memory starts to be a little hazy then I know I’ve had one too many.
“Fuck, weren’t you supposed to stop me though?” I retort, setting my beer on the table in front of us.
“I’m doing it now, aren’t I? Are you feeling okay? Not going to do anything stupid?”
“Stupid? Nah, not my style. I think you’re right though. Maybe I shouldn’t have drank so much,” I muse.
“Geez, this is why I tried to warn you earlier. Nothing good can come from you of all people drinking alcohol,” he teases.
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?”
Shinkai smirks and leans in close to me, his breath hot on my ear, and whispers, “Exactly what you think it might mean.”
“Hey, Arakita, are you listening to me? Geez, you’re still just as rude as you were in high school.” A voice snaps me back, and I’m staring at some guy who looks vaguely familiar but I don’t think I know his name. Must have been someone in one my classes at some point, or someone who used to skip class with me from time to time.
“Uh…” Yes, very smart of you, dumbass. What a smart thing to say.
“Don’t mind him. He’s had a lot to drink tonight, and him and alcohol isn’t really a good mix.” Dammit. There he is again. A warm hand is placed on my shoulder, and there is Shinkai, standing behind me. I didn’t even move an inch since the others left. How stupid do I look?
“Don’t you dare start with that, you asshole. I’m fine. I just wasn’t paying attention,” I bark, trying to shrug his hand off my shoulder.
“Pfft- please, Arakita, we all know how you get. At all of the parties in high school, you never stopped whining once you got drunk,” the guy laughs and I glare at him. Shinkai pulls me up from my seat then and holds onto me.
“Well, this party is about to end soon anyways, so since he’s so drunk, I’ll take him back now. See you around, Yamada,” Shinkai says as he leads me away. I give a small “huh” as we walk and he raises a brow at me. He keeps a strong hand around my waist despite how well I’m walking. Like always, I can still stay aware even when drunk, but I wonder if he’ll believe that.
“So that’s what that guy’s name was, huh? Yamada. . .It was that simple all along,” I laugh at myself, slowly putting one foot in front of the other though all I really wanted to do was run away, to free myself from this situation.
“Should you really be laughing at that, Yasutomo? I wouldn’t say you guys were close or anything, but you guys were friends in high school,” he sighs and we walk in silence for a little bit. He pulls my arm over his shoulder and holds it there with his hand and sighs. “Well, I guess it’s a relief to know that it wasn’t just me that you cut off contact with after high school. . .I really wish you hadn’t though.”
He glances down sadly at me and I duck my head down. With just a few words, he can make me feel like absolute shit, but what the hell was I supposed to do after what happened? How can he just stand here next to me and pretend that he wasn’t wrong at all five years ago. How can I let myself still be pulled by his pace and be letting the same thing happen twice in a row?
-5 years ago-
“Well then, let’s head back. I’ll help you walk,” he offers after we’ve both had our fill of chatting and starts dragging me along. I bark out a laugh and walk just fine regardless of his arm around my waist. He holds my arm over his shoulder with his left hand and keeps on walking, despite how well I can manage on my own.
“Already? You didn’t even talk to Fuku-chan that much this party,” I snort and look around, wondering just where our captain went. Shinkai hesitates for a moment before continuing on.
“Yes, now. You look like you’re about to pass out if you don’t leave soon. It looks like Juichi’s busy, so I’ll just go ahead and take you back. That’s not a problem is it?” There’s a slight edge to his voice that I just can’t place, and it’s a bit unsettling. Besides, it can’t be true. I don’t really look that drunk, do I? I know I’m definitely not as drunk as I could be. . .Is he lying for some reason?
“Shinkai, stop. I’m fine really. I can fucking walk on my own. I-“ I stop in mid-sentence, pinned down by the serious narrowed gaze he gives me. His eyes flicker with a challenge, eagerness, and. . .something I just can’t quite put my hand on—some sort of heat I’ve never seen before—and there’s no way I can keep complaining when I see a look like that. Instead, I’d much rather shove him against the wall and-
“Yasutomo, please. Let me walk you back to your room,” he says, his voice low and more serious than I’ve ever heard it in my life. I nod dumbly and he tells a few people that we’re leaving on our way out. We walk out onto the street, and I can tell that this situation is slowing us down a little bit. He can tell too because when we get off the train near school, he motions towards his back.
“Hop on. It’ll be faster this way,” he smiles and lets me climb onto his back. When I’m on, he stands upright and laughs. “Are you sure you’re eating enough, Yasutomo? You’re really light.”
“Shut up,” I mumble and nuzzle into the back of his neck. He smells really nice, kinda like hazelnut and a meadow or fresh rain or something. It’s a really refreshing scent. I hold onto him tightly—not tightly enough to choke him though—and let myself be carried.
It takes us a good little while to head back to campus and to the dorm building, and the walk sobers me up a little bit. Of course, I’m not completely sober, but I am feeling better than I was at the party. When we reach my door, I hand Shinkai my key and he unlocks the door. We take a few steps inside before stopping, and we slowly slide apart though he keeps a hand on my arm. We meet eyes, and it seems like neither of us really want to say goodbye.
“Thanks. . .for walking me back and everything, though you really didn’t fucking have to,” I say, breaking the silence between us. He smiles again and playfully shoves me a bit.
“I know I didn’t have to, but I wanted to. I like being with you more than being at some loud party.” I believe him though others might not. Despite being so popular, he doesn’t even really react much to his fanclub, so I know he’s not much of a person to be around groupies like that.
We stand there in silence, staring at each other for a few more minutes, and I don’t know if my heart can beat any faster than it is now. This all has to mean something, right? His gentle touches at the party, him worrying so much and staying only by my side at the party, his walking me back, him staying here, standing here quietly like this, it all has some purpose, right?
I look him straight in the eye as I place a hand on his shoulder and take a step forward. He holds my gaze as I move, not doing anything, even as I’m leaning in closer to him. His eyes slip closed as I lean in closer, bringing our lips together in a kiss. I feel the hand that was on my arm snake around my waist and pull me closer, and our kiss intensifies, both of us pressing into each other with more force than the peck it was a second ago. I hear the door creak closed and assume he kicked it with his foot just now, which is more than fine by me. I arch my back a little and open my mouth, and he takes the cue, our tongues now swirling together. It’s only a second after that that he makes a strange sound and shoves me backwards. I lose balance and fall flat on my ass, a hand up to my mouth and a sharp glare on my face.
“Shinkai, what the actual fuck are you-“
“I’m sorry. That shouldn’t have happened.” I instantly shut my mouth, shocked beyond disbelief. He accepted the kiss, right? He even deepened it himself and pulled me closer. . .right? So then why- “I didn’t know you were that drunk. You talked and walked just fine, I thought you were just mildly buzzed, but you tasted so much like beer just now I-“
“Shut the fuck up,” I growl. I stand up and grab the front of his shirt in my fist, glaring at him. “What kind of a weak ass excuse is that? I’m perfectly capable of wanting to be able to kiss you right now.”
“No, Yasutomo, you might feel fine, but you’re drunk. You’re not going to remember any of this in the morning, or even if you do, you might regret it. Please, don’t make me the guy who takes advantage of drunk people, Yasutomo.” He closed his eyes and winced like he was in pain, like I had already punched him. I feel angry beyond all belief, but at the same time, it’s hard to stay mad when he looks like that.
“So if I weren’t ‘drunk’ right now, you’d be willing?” He winces again and stays quiet for a while.
“Yasutomo, we’re friends right now, and that’s all we’ll ever be. This isn’t what you want, and you know it. If you weren’t drunk you wouldn’t come onto me like this and-“
“That’s enough!” That gives me all the answer I needed. I bring my hand up quickly, ready to hit him, but I can’t so it just hangs in the air before I let it fall to his chest. With both hands, I push him away and turn my back on him. “Get the fuck out.”
“What? Yasutomo, wait, I-“
“I don’t wanna hear you say another fucking word. You might not wanna be the guy who takes advantage of drunk people, but you knew that’s what you were doing. You’d probably take anyone who threw themselves at you wouldn’t you? I don’t wanna hear your excuses ‘cause you just almost fucking did it. To me. So get the fuck out.”
I hear silence for a while longer then the door opens and closes again and I can tell I’m alone. With him gone I throw myself onto my bed and huff out a sigh as I stare at the ceiling. “…That bastard.”
The next morning, I take a deep breath before walking into the classroom. I didn’t do anything wrong, so really I have no reason to feel so anxious. I’m ready for anything really. So as long as Shinkai brings it up, we’ll talk. I won’t lower my pride to talk to him about it, after all. . .but he never does.
Before I know it, a whole week goes by and it’s graduation day. We haven’t spoken to each other much since that night.
He’s avoiding me.
The ceremony ends and we all meet near the gates to talk one last time and say our goodbyes. Some of the underclassmen were there too, but no one was really in line to say goodbye to me. I don’t really blame them though, but this will make never talking to them after today easier. Just as I’m about ready to leave, my name is called.
“Yasutomo! Wait!” I turn and see Shinkai rushing towards me. When we’re standing by each other, he smiles at me and I look to the ground again. I can’t look at him when he’s avoiding talking about what happened.
“Guess this is the end, huh? Well, I’ll see you later, Shinkai,” I lie then start to turn, but I feel his hand grab my arm.
“Wait, you didn’t even give me the chance to say goodbye yet,” he chuckles then pauses as if wondering if he should do something. Soon, I’m pulled into a small hug and I feel the need to yell and scream and cry all at once. How dare he be so nice to me when he’s ignoring me? I’m trying so hard to forget, but he makes it impossible. When he pulls away, I look down at the ground again. “I’ll see you later, Yasutomo. I’ll call you sometimes.”
We split ways, and I almost broke down in the street. Like hell I would allow that, stupid. I have to get over this somehow. I hate everything that happened. I hate that you’re the one I fell in love with, yet at the same time. . .I don’t really regret it. I guess my only real regret is that I don’t know what kind of face he was making in the end…But I have to keep moving forward, no matter what.
I feel like I’m floating, but at the same time, I feel like I’ve felt this sensation before. It smells oddly like hazelnut and something. . .refreshing, and that’s when I know what’s happening. I open my eyes and find that we’re almost to the train station.
“When’d I get on your back?” I ask, rubbing my face with my hand.
“Shortly after we left the hotel. After all, this is the best and fastest way to get you somewhere when you’re drunk,” Shinkai replies lightly and I sigh.
“You’re taking me to my place, right? You don’t have to go to the station. Just walk past it and turn left at the fourth turn,” I instruct and lean against him lazily. It’s been a while since I was last held on his back like this, but I can tell that it’s broader than the last time. I curl my fingers a little bit more and rest my cheek just between his shoulder blades.
“Those are some detailed instructions. Are you really drunk?” he asks playfully as we pass by the train station. He’ll probably have to take it after dropping me off since this hotel is about 45 minutes away from the school by train.
“Yes, I am drunk, but that doesn’t mean shit. I keep telling you assholes that even if I’m drunk I’m completely fine, but you guys just don’t wanna listen to me. The most that happens is that my body doesn’t move right or I don’t react to something that fast. It’s only when I’m completely shitfaced that things start to go wrong, but I know to stop before I reach that point,” I huff and he chuckles some more.
“But to think, you’ve been this close to all of us all this time. Right under our noses practically, and none of us even knew you were here,” he mused as he took the turn I told him to.
“This is a big city. Coincidental meet-ups are rare with this many people around. Besides, I didn’t wanna leave my family. They would’ve cried too much,” I mumble.
“Oh yeah, you were always pretty close with them. How are your sisters doing?” he asks like he cares. I narrow my eyes at him before realizing that he can’t really see me doing it.
“They’re fine. My youngest one is a third year in high school now, so she’s studying hard. The other one is a second year in college now, and she’s working pretty hard too, though I think she’s working harder at socializing than studying, but whatever,” I snort. He chuckles, and I raise my hand to point. “Turn right here, and it’ll be the apartment building just down the street.”
“Really? You’ve been so close to us, and I never. . .we never. . .”
“Don’t beat yourself up about it. If I wanted to be found, I never would’ve dropped off the face of the earth to begin with. . .”
“Why did you disappear on us? You even changed your number after graduation. Every time I tried to call you, it wouldn’t go through.”
“. . .I’ve got my reasons. . .Does it really matter right now?”
Shinkai stops in front of the building, and I tell him to go to the fifth floor. We continue on in silence, but he still holds onto me in the elevator despite it being too small for that really. When I realize he isn’t going to answer my question, I rest against him again and lead him to my door.
He stands there for a while, and when he doesn’t start to put me down, I try to wiggle out of his grasp a bit but I can’t. He tightens his hold on me and looks down like he knows he’s doing something wrong. “Shinkai, let me down.”
“Is it going to be another five years before I can see you again if I do?” I stop and stare at him in awe before steeling my jaw and breaking free. I stagger a bit after losing my balance, but I catch myself on the wall. He turns to look me at me, and I use the wall to gather up some sort of strength. God knows I need it.
“Now you’re just being fucking ridiculous. What fucking reason do I have to go see you if I don’t want to? Grow the fuck up, Shinkai. I have,” I bark out though I know I’m not in any position to talk. Even now I just want him to shut up and have those huge lips of his on mine.
“But Yasutomo, you don’t know what these past five years have been like for me-“
“Yeah? Well you don’t know jack shit about how it’s been for me either. You don’t know jack shit about me at all, and it pisses me off!” I look up, about ready to let loose, but when I look at him, I see the large, confused, droopy eyes, the curly red hair, the slightly tanned skin, everything that reminds me of the man that I love—that I loved—and I just feel closer to breaking down than anything. How after all these years can he still make me so weak? “And what pisses me off the most is that I still haven’t learned from my mistakes…”
“What?. . .What do you mean by that?” He raises a brow at me, but instead of answering, I push myself off the wall and step closer to him. He stands still, watching me curiously just like he did five years ago. I grab onto his lapel and pull him into a rough and slightly sloppy kiss. When I pull away, I challenge him with my eyes, daring him to come inside with me.
“Yasutomo. . .You don’t know what you’re doing,” he sighs, but he puts his hands on my hips and steps closer to me despite his words. I quirk a brow at him and pull out my key.
“Oh yeah? Well you certainly aren’t stopping me,” I smirk and unlock the door. I see the exact moment his resolve weakens and I pull him inside. It doesn’t take long for us to reach my bed, our mouths already all over each other. As I start to undress him, his lips latch onto my neck pulling moan after moan from me.
He pushes me back, and I fall onto my bed but we’re only apart for a quick second before he’s on top of me again. I raise my leg to rub against him as he leans down for another kiss, causing him to groan into my mouth. We rid each other of our shirts, and my hands instantly roam over his chest and back, finally able to feel the muscles I’ve been dreaming about for years.
“Heh, are you doing this on purpose, Yasutomo? I swear, it’s a sin to look that good,” he breathes as he leaves a few marks on my chest and neck. I moan and chuckle, tangling one of my hands in his curly hair.
“Stop the small talk. You’re already getting in my pants,” I tease.
“Right you are about that,” he mumbles and continues on.
I don’t know how many times I moan, groan, and scream, but I don’t care. All I know is that it feels good, being with Shinkai like this. It’s all I’ve ever wanted in life. We fit together well, our bodies are compatible, and it’s fucking Shinkai of all people. How could I not be happy?
I wake up the next morning, unaware really of when I fell asleep. I open my mouth, but my throat is raw as fuck, so instead I sit up and try to look around for Shinkai. It’s just, when I put my hand to my side, all I feel is an empty bed. I look around a bit panicked, before curling into myself and putting my head in my hands when I realize that he won’t be anywhere in my apartment. “That bastard. . .”
He left me.
Only this time, he fucked me first. I really wish I could’ve seen the bastard’s face this time. Did it please him to know I’m still like putty in his hands, or did it hurt him to do this to me—to do it a second time? Did he think he was just taking advantage of a drunk friend again? I can’t tell which time hurts more, but I at least know one thing. Even after all this time, nothing’s changed. I haven’t moved forward at all yet.
I was naïve.