Work Text:
For as long as he could remember, Jay was the emotional one.
Jay was the one to burst into a dramatic 1-minute monologue in the whiniest voice he could muster, he was the one to unironically listen to sad pop songs while rocking his head back and forth, and if they were ever to watch a horror movie, he’d be the first to call it quits and demand the lights to be on while watching the film. Jay expressed most of his fear through jokes, making sarcastic comments, and not-so-witty puns, even in the worst of times. Wherever the blue ninja went, a trail of his wild personality would follow.
So obviously, Kai was quick to conclude that the blue ninja would be expressing the most sorrow over Nya’s death.
Jay knew how to ask for help. It came to him as normally as breathing. If he ever had a nightmare, with his blanket sagging behind him, he would sneak his way into someone’s bed and fall asleep there. If it was his night to make dinner, there was absolutely no hesitation in asking Zane to come help him. Even in the worst of times, Jay always knew how to ask for help, especially if it came without the cost of his dignity.
And of course, Kai wanted to help. He wanted to help anyone in need. He liked to believe that his desire to help came out of the goodness of his heart, but he was wrong.
As he watched Jay double over onto his knees with the other ninjas immediately rushing over to comfort him, Kai felt numb. There was no pity sitting in the bottom of his stomach for the blue ninja, but rather, an overwhelming wave of guilt for not feeling pity. It was more of a crying-because-I’m-not-crying kind of situation that pushed Kai into helping Jay that night, too.
Night after night, as Jay’s heart-wrenching sobs thundered and echoed through the walls, Kai was the first to help. He had to be. How else could he be useful?
Kai, however, forgot what it was like to not be in a state of constant denial. He knew that it was the last thing his sister would want, but a part of him was always praying that it was all just some cruel, stupid joke. Sometimes he’d find himself imagining his sister coming in through his bedroom door, on her way to rant about her day again. And some days, he’d believe it, too, and then feel crazy for envisioning that to begin with.
When Jay had announced that he needed a break, Kai’s blood boiled. Who was he to abandon the team, leave them for nothing just because he was mourning over his girlfriend, when Nya wouldn’t want that at all? Did he forget that the entire team was mourning, too? And it wasn’t just him with his own problems?
But the same wave of guilt that had always pushed him to help Jay washed over again, and instead of spitting out the vilest of words, he solemnly nodded. He and Cole left to pack up his things, and that was the start of the longest break that the ninjas had had from each other for a long time.
The night after they brought Jay back from the lighthouse, Kai sensed that something was wrong almost immediately. Kai just knew that there was no way someone could go from mourning in isolation for over a year with nothing but half-empty cups, to ripping off a beard and cracking jokes like nothing had happened.
The heart-wrenching sobs that he hadn’t heard for two years echoed throughout the hallways again, and his theory was proven correct.
Worried, Kai slowly got up from his bed, swallowing any feelings of grogginess or anger toward his friend. He had to be selfless, because that was what Jay needed. What Kai himself needed didn’t matter, because right now, his friend was hurting, not him.
With the floorboards creaking, Kai tip-toed over to Jay’s room, knocking on the door.
The moment the rhythmic taps hit the door, the sounds of sobbing stopped, and instead, were replaced with what sounded like labored breathing.
“Jay?” Kai whispered against the doorframe.
There was no reply. Only sniffles and the sounds of blankets shifting under the whir of the heater served as an answer.
“I’m coming in,” Kai spoke as he opened the door with a soft click.
And what Kai witnessed made him livid.
Jay was curled in a fetal position on his bed, blankets forgotten and discarded onto the floor. Next to the blankets was an ocean of balled-up, drenched clumps of tissues, and Jay looked like literal death. His hair was sticking out in clumps, his skin clammy and pale, his body trembling as his lip quivered.
And Kai was beyond enraged, because it was like looking into a mirror.
This was exactly how he looked months ago, and it repeated every single night. And every single morning, he would get up, suck it up, and give his friends a genuine smile because he learned to be thankful for his friends in the morning. Because he put in the effort to do better. He put in the effort to turn the fake smiles into real ones because he loved his friends. How stupid was Jay to not do the same thing?
Then it washed over him again.
The guilt.
It crashed onto him like wild waves against the shore, and his eyes cleared. Why was he being so selfish? Kai had to be the person that he didn’t have when he was crying into the night. Right, that was what he had to do.
Kai awkwardly made his way onto an emptier space on the bed, sitting criss-cross applesauce and sliding down the wall behind him. He drummed his fingers against his knee, unsure of what to do.
It was Jay who spoke first, but it was nothing like what Kai wanted to hear.
“Just leave me alone,” Jay sniffed, voice breaking into a whisper. He draped his cotton blue blanket so that it quite literally caked over him, making his expression impossible to see. Kai assumed Jay’s face would look something like a raisin’s underneath the blanket, all shriveled up with bloodshot eyes.
Kai breathed deeply, in and out, trying to determine what words would put his friend at peace the most. He found himself saying slowly, “Jay, if something’s wrong, you can talk to me about it. You know that, right?”
Jay didn’t reply. Instead, with the blanket even further up him, he fell over onto his side, almost like a tree getting chopped.
“Jay,” Kai repeated, more firmly.
Don’t get mad. Don’t get mad. Breathe. Your friend is mourning. Don’t get mad. Be more understanding.
“Jay, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s going on, alright? I don’t know what’s going on in your life anymore because you won’t talk to me. You haven’t been talking to anyone else on the team, either. Don’t think we haven’t noticed.”
The blue ninja did nothing except remain stagnant in his position, back turned against Kai with his face practically smooshed against the wall. Somehow, that aggravated him even more.
“I’m not going to force you to talk if you don’t want to,” Kai spoke. “But this isn’t what Nya would want.”
The last few words slipped out, and slowly, his facade of selflessness began to crumble.
Jay only scoffed in response.
Kai could practically feel his hands itching for an outlet, to punch something, to set something on fire, to throw something against the wall and watch it break. Where was this rush of anger coming from? He thought he’d healed from the grief of his sister months ago! It’d already been over what, a year? Why was he getting so upset over something he should’ve been over so long ago?
Don’t get mad. Don’t get mad. Why can’t you be more understanding? What are you doing?
“Jay, come on,” Kai bit, words clipped. Jay’s lack of response only made the blood in his veins boil more, and Kai soon found himself seething. “Fine. I’m leaving.”
Right. I’m going to calmly leave this room, and not go to bed angry. I’m going to breathe and count to ten, and understand that Jay is grieving, and I am not. I’m fine. Right, Jay’s grieving. This is okay.
With his body nearly trembling from restraint, and eyes burning, Kai blinked furiously as he stepped off the cushion of the bed to leave.
“Good,” Jay mumbled under his breath. “That’s exactly what I thought you’d do.”
Kai turned his heel, stopping on his way out. “What?”
Jay shrugged. “Forget I said anything.”
The red ninja laughed in disbelief, blinking once– twice– to make sure that he was hearing and seeing Jay correctly. Kai had woken up in the middle of the night to console his crying friend, forgetting about his own grief, and Jay didn’t even want his help? Why was he acting like that?
“No, I’m sorry–” Kai seethed. “What are you talking about?”
Jay only curled further into himself, and lamented, “you didn’t have any reaction to Nya’s death.”
What?
“You didn’t react at all, and you- you just stood there, while it took me so long to finally even come to the truth that she was dead. My lover, my first love, died. And you didn’t say a single word.”
Kai stood, open-mouthed in shock. Was he hearing Jay correctly? Who was he to tell him how he should react? Who was Jay to take control and open his mouth to tell him how he actually grieved? Did Jay know anything about what had happened before he left for the lighthouse? Did he know how many times Kai had sobbed while holding Nya’s photo, becoming so angry at himself that he set things on fire more than put out?
“Take that back,” Kai cautioned. He didn’t mean to snap, he really, earnestly didn’t mean to. But oh, how he wanted to. “Take it back.”
“It’s true, though,” said Jay. He wiped away tears, sniffing underneath the blanket. “Don’t deny it.”
“You don’t– you don’t get to say that, Jay, do you understand me?” Kai countered. He closed the door behind him, keeping in mind not to wake any of the other ninjas up from their needed rest. He talked in a hushed tone, laced with as much warning as possible. “I went through hell trying to forget my own selfishness and to do what Nya would want. At least I’m actually trying to change, alright? So I don’t care how long you need to wallow in your own sadness for, but you’re not the only one who lost someone important to them.”
“And how would you know, when Nya wasn’t even that important to you?” Jay scowled in response. “You never even bothered to look at her on missions. No wonder she left–”
“No!” Screamed Kai, surprised at the guttural sob that escaped with the emotional outburst. “No, you– Jay, she was just as important to you as she was to me, how long is it going to take for you to understand that?”
“Because I won’t!” Jay reiterated, voice raising. “She was my girlfriend, Kai! I was in love with her, and we were supposed to grow old together. And I never got the chance!”
“No, Jay, you need to understand that–”
“No! How about you understand? How about you take a moment to realize everything you've dragged her through? How about you-”
“Jay, I need you to listen to me–” Kai began.
“How about you walk a mile in my shoes and go through what I went through? Do you want to see her die in your arms? Do you? Do you want to see her face turn pale, colorless, and watch her die? Is that what you want?”
“ No, Jay, could you just please for once-”
“Do you want to watch as she falls away from your arms? Do you want to watch her lose herself? Is that what you want, Kai? Tell me, is that what you-”
“ She was my sister! ” Kai sobbed. “She was my sister, she was my sister, Jay, she was my sister! And now there’s no one left, don’t you get it? I-I mean sure, I love my parents, god, Jay, I love them, but I don’t even know who they are! Do you know who raised Nya and me? Me! I raised us, and I shouldn’t’ve had to–” (he cried, words stumbling on top of each other)”--I should’ve been able to be held in the arms of my parents, but I never grew up with that luxury, Jay! And losing her was like losing a part of myself, and if I’m being honest? I don’t even know who I am anymore!”
The world was spinning around him, and Kai was sure he was somewhere close to hysterics. He could hear the sounds of the ground pounding with footsteps in the hallway, the thumping of his heartbeat in his ears, and the world around him was spinning, red. And was that— smoke he smelled? Was that it?
“I miss her every single day, Jay, and you know what? Keep crying! Keep crying about your girlfriend, about your first love and your soulmate, but mark my words, there will never be a fucking day where you understand the guilt I endured because I failed her-!”
His breath hitched on another sob, and as his words toppled on top of the other, he couldn’t breathe. His clothes were singed, and he felt something cool press against his back as he leaned into the weight of the embrace.
In the peripheral of his vision, he saw Jay. Jay was stagnant, open-mouthed in shock, lips trembling.
And as Kai shut his eyes, he prayed that he wouldn’t open them again for a long, long time.