Chapter Text
The phone held to his ear rings.
Once.
Twice.
"Buck?" Eddie's voice came through sounding exhausted, "We just got off shift, what's going on?"
A distant part of him felt guilty, he knew Eddie was tired. Their shift had been let out at 2 A.M. and he knew Eddie had planned on crashing as soon as he got home so he could wake up early and pick Chris up from his Abuela's and take him to school.
"Eddie, I-" he started, not exactly sure how to explain what was going on, "I need you to come here. I- something happened and I think you're the closest anyone will be able to come to understanding."
"Ok, I'm coming." Easy as that, he supposed he shouldn't be surprised, "Buck are you hurt?"
"No." He laughed bitterly, listening to the scuffle of Eddie closing his front door behind him and locking up. "I just need you here."
"Ok, I'm on my way." Eddie says, "Buck, what's-"
He hung up before Eddie could ask anything else and waited.
He was sat on his kitchen floor, back against the cabinets, legs sprawled out with a thick white envelope and an open bottle of whiskey between them. He could feel his face painfully blank, he was always so expressive, he liked himself that way, but right now it was blank. He was angry, beyond angry, and part of him was grieving, and another part of him was terrified. But at the same time he felt nothing at all.
He waited, and in the meantime finished a third of the bottle, working his way to half by the time he heard a key slide into the lock. He heard the lock click and the door was being pushed open.
"Buck?!" Eddie called into the seemingly empty apartment, "where are you?"
"Here." He called, his voice sounded off even to him.
Eddie strode around the cabinets and then was stopped short at the sight that Buck was sure he made, "Buck, what's-"
He cut Eddie off by tossing the envelope at his feet and taking another swig from the bottle of warm whiskey. It tasted awful.
Eddie continued just staring at him in shock, he supposed it was fair considering Eddie had never seen him quite as fucked up as this before. That probably wasn't true, he just hadn't seen him reacting like this to being this fucked up before.
He gestured to the envelope in a 'go on' fashion, and that seemed to break him out of whatever stupor he was in. With one last confused and concerned look at him Eddie reached down and scooped up the envelope taking out the papers and reading through their contents.
"I don't understand." Eddie said after seemingly having read through the papers at least three times.
"C'mon Eds," Buck huffed out a mirthless chuckle, "I know that you know what a deployment issue looks like."
"No, I got that part." Eddie stated, voice hard, "I just don't understand why you're receiving one."
Oh, he's pissed, Buck thought with a little satisfaction, good, so am I.
"That'd be because I'm getting deployed." He laughed bitterly this time taking another swig, "c'mon now Eds, I know we gave you Army guys shit for not having any brains, but now is really not the time to live up to the standard."
He was goading him. He wasn't entirely sure why, Eddie wasn't the one who sent him the goddamn papers, but he was pissed, and he just didn't care anymore.
"Don't be a smartass, Buck!" Eddie was yelling now, shaking the papers towards him for emphasis. "why the hell are you getting deployed?"
Good.
The whiskey was burning in his stomach and anger was burning a damn hole through his chest. He stood up, stumbling a bit. His tolerance had definitely gone down since the last time he'd been deployed.
I'll have to fix that.
"Because I am!" Buck yelled back throwing up his arms and stepping closer to Eddie, "Fuck if I know! They don't really disclose that!"
"Goddamnit, Buck!" Eddie took a step toward him and now they were only a foot apart, "I told you to stop being a smartass!"
"Or what!" Buck growled getting in his face.
There was rage in Eddie's eyes, and he didn't look like he would be backing down.
Got him Buck thought with satisfaction.
Then Eddie took a shuddering breath and he took a step back.
Apparently not. But he wasn't giving up yet.
"What, giving up so soon?" He spat out at him, "what happened to the man who was cage fighting."
Eddie took another step back, eyes widening in shock before narrowing, "is that why you called me over here? You want a fight?"
He shrugged.
"That won't fix anything, Buck!"
No it won't, he silently agreed, but it'll feel better than this.
"I don't care." He ground out, still not willing to let it go.
"You want me to call Maddie! Or the team! I told you then and I'm telling you now, I'm not fighting you Buck!" Eddie exclaimed, dragging a hand through his hair.
"What, scared I really can take you?" He goaded further, flashing back to that conversation they'd had over a year ago, "I didn't take you for a coward!"
"I'm not!" Eddie shouted again glaring at him, "I just don't want to watch you explain to Chris why we're both covered in bruises when we pick him up from school tomorrow. And yeah, you're the one who's going to have to explain that!"
And that took the anger right out of him. Leaving him only with fear and a bone deep exhaustion.
"Shit." He said, oh so eloquently, taking a stumbling step back.
"Yeah." Eddie said, "now go sit on the couch and cool off."
He took a couple steps towards the couch, grabbing the whiskey on the way.
"No." Eddie reached out and grabbed the bottle from him, "you're done with that."
He sighed and let him take it, continuing over towards the couch where he sat down heavily and put his head in his hands.
What the hell had he been thinking? He didn't do shit like that, he didn't goad people into fights, he didn't lash out at his friends, even when he felt like his world was imploding.
Anymore. An unhelpful part of him adds.
He could hear Eddie puttering around in the kitchen for another minute before footsteps made their way towards him. He looked up as a glass of water was placed in front of him. Eddie spread the papers out on the table and then sat back against the couch.
"I'm sorry, shit, Eds." He said running a frustrating hand through his hair, "that's not why I called you, I'm so sorry."
"I know." Eddie said, "and as concerning as whatever just happened is, we have bigger problems right now. Like the fact that you joined the Navy, seriously? You know we used to call you guys pussies, right?"
Eddie was giving the conversation a way to cool off without escalating again, admittedly by being a sassy asshole, but still Buck was grateful.
"First of all, Hen would slap you for saying that." He barked out a laugh, "second of all, no you didn't."
"Pretty sure we did, actually. I was there you know, I think I'd remember." Eddie chuckled, "I even think I remember a fairly offensive cheer that Hen would probably disown me for knowing. We used to chant it during the football game with you guys."
"Sure, you did that for the Navy." Buck rolled his eyes, Eddie had completely missed the point, "but I'm not just Navy, Eds, I'm a SEAL."
Eddie froze at that, slowly turning to look at him from where he'd been shuffling the papers around, eyes round. "You're a what!"
"A SEAL." Buck shrugged, "I'd hope you know what that is, we're pretty infamous."
"I know what it is, Buck." Eddie ran a hand over his face. "Why the hell did you enlist? I thought you were happy here."
"I am now. That's kind of why this is a problem." He waved his hand vaguely towards the papers, "but once upon a time I was 19 and alone, and didn't have any family or things to my name other than a jeep, a backpack's worth of clothes, and a sister who didn't answer any sort of communications. I saw a booth for the SEAL's at some market and talked to the guy running it, he said I could help people, and so I joined."
"You've been in the military this whole time?" Eddie asked, "for what, eleven years now?"
"Yeah, I was placed in the reserves 6 years ago, with the assurance that I wouldn't be deployed again for anything short of the world ending." Buck explained, "I'd be allowed to finish out my contract in the reserves and have an honorable discharge. This wasn't supposed to happen."
"Why would they tell you that you wouldn't be deployed?" Eddie asked hesitantly, "they don't really make promises like that."
Buck shrugged, "it was kind of a special circumstance."
"Ok, just start from the beginning, tell me everything that happened." Eddie sighed readjusting himself on the couch to face Buck.
"Can't really do that, most of its classified." Buck said with a smirk, knowing he was being difficult.
Eddie rolled his eyes and leveled him with a stare that told Buck that he was not amused, "tell me everything that you can about what happened."
Buck just sighed, he supposed he should get used to explaining this part of his life, he was going to have to explain it to everyone else too.
"I enlisted when I was 19, made my way through the training and excelled at it." He sighed running a hand through his hair, "I was young and had literally no self-esteem, and I just wanted to be good so goddamn bad. I made myself into everything they wanted me to be, and I did it so well. Maybe too damn well, if I'm being honest"
He grabbed the glass of water and drank half of it easily, needing a break before he continued.
"I was placed on a special-ops team as soon as I graduated. Sent on my first mission with them within the week."
"Jesus." Eddie swore, "that's-" he paused shaking his head as if unsure of a word to describe that. Eddie knew they didn't usually send you on missions that soon, or place you with specialty teams right out of basic, it took time to work yourself up to that.
"I told you, I excelled at training." He sent him an empty smirk, "I was on that team for the next five years, did countless ops and missions, travelled the world, you know how it goes. They became a family to me, the seven of us were thick as thieves. It was the first real family I'd ever had other than maybe Maddie, but that's different."
"Do you still keep in contact with them?" Eddie asked, "if you were a team, maybe you'll be working with at least one of them again."
"No." Buck choked out voice cracking, and for the first time that night he felt the threat of tears in his eyes, "they're all dead. An Op went wrong and they all died, I was the only survivor. Injured, but alive, and they sent me stateside to recover on base. I kinda lost it for a while. They offered me the option to be placed on a new team or to be put on the reserves to finish out my contract, said that they wouldn't deploy me again unless absolutely necessary."
"Dios mío" Eddie muttered a bit startled, he clearly hadn't been expecting that answer, "I'm so sorry, Buck."
He was rubbing harshly at his eyes now, trying to stave off the tears.
"It was so fucking stupid!" He exclaimed laughing a bit, he was sure he sounded unhinged at this point, "we weren't even supposed to be there, it was an Army mission, we'd just been on base and decided to help out. It was just one fucking bomb that he had to diffuse. Why didn't he just do it? Why didn't he-"
His breath caught as he choked on a sob.
"Who?" Eddie asked, looking like he wanted nothing more than to pull Buck into a hug, but there was still something holding him back, "who was supposed to diffuse the bomb?"
"My fiancé." Buck said quietly, and then he really was sobbing, and Eddie let go of his hesitation and wrapped his arms around him. "He was so good at it too!" He exclaimed through the tears, "he really was the best."
They sat like that for a while, Buck didn't know if it was minutes or hours until he calmed down.
"C'mon, let's get you to bed." Eddie said slinging Buck's arm around his shoulder and helping him off the couch.
Buck went with him willingly, up the stairs, stripping off his pants and shirt so he was in just his boxers and collapsed on the bed. He felt the blanket being pulled over him, and Eddie's hand was resting on his arm.
"Sleep, I'll be here when you wake up." He heard Eddie's voice as his eyelids fluttered closed and he let the darkness take him.