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Obi-wan had prepared himself to let go. He’d let himself hold Luke’s warm little body against his chest while he slept and memorized the scrunched-up features of his face; the barely-there baby-fuzz, the nose too big for his head, and the unfocused eyes that hadn’t determined what color they would be but that Obi-wan suspected would take after his father’s.
None of these things were required to fulfill his duty; to keep Luke safe and looked after. It reeked of attachment, but he couldn’t help it. When Luke wasn’t in his arms or he couldn’t watch the deep rise and fall of his chest while he slept, Obi-wan felt like only a collection of particles held together by fraying cobwebs that could float away at any second. And if he was going to watch Luke he needed to be present, not floating away.
So, he let Luke wrap his little fingers over one of his own and told himself it was temporary. Once he’d handed Luke safely over to his family on Tatooine he would lock all these moments away with everything else he couldn’t bring himself to think about and spend his remaining years looking after Luke from a distance. Let him be cared for by his family. But when he arrived to Tatooine the Lars weren’t home.
“They’re in Mos Espa.” Their farmhand had informed him. “I didn’t ask why but they won’t be back for a few more weeks.” He hadn’t been able to provide any specifics and Mos Espa, while certainly not large by galactic standards, was still a city and it would not be easy to find two unknown farmers. Not without bringing attention to himself which was contrary to his main objective.
The man, who introduced himself as Dak, had been able to provide him with information about living arrangements. “My mother’s cousin’s sister-in-law has a place she wants to rent out. It’s not much but there’s not a lot available around here and it will be fine for just you.”
His mother’s cousin’s sister-in-law was named Ruth and was a short middle-aged woman with a round face and a presence that was much more commanding than one would think her stature would allow. “Dak commed ahead and told me you were coming but he didn’t mention anything about a baby. It’s not much,” Ruth said as she showed him around the small one-room dwelling. “But it would probably be okay for just you and your little one. Unless his mother will be joining you.”
“No, it’s just us.” His voice sounded hollow to his own ears. Ruth looked him over for a long moment but didn’t push.
“Well, I guess it will suit the two of you just fine then.”
“Yes.” He said faintly. He was suddenly feeling the weight of everything that had passed as well as the sudden change in his circumstances. He felt like his legs wouldn’t hold him for much longer. He must have looked it because Ruth took quick steps forward and placed a hand lightly on his arm to guide him forward into a chair.
“You look awful.” She clucked at him. “You should probably rest. I can watch your little one if you want while you lay down or if you want to start getting settled in.” As she said this Ruth reached forward as if to take Luke and Obi-Wan instinctively clutched the child closer to himself and angled away from her. There was a moment of tense silence before Obi-wan realized what he’d done, and he purposely relaxed his posture his face flushing in embarrassment.
If Ruth was a danger to him or Luke he surely would have sensed it by now. It hadn’t been danger, however, that had him clutching tightly at Luke. It was the thought of being separated from Luke that was so unbearable his body reacted before he could make a conscious decision. His horrendous attachment to the child was getting harder to reasonably deny.
“I’m sorry.” Obi-wan apologized.
“That was my fault,” Ruth said good-naturedly. After the initial surprise, Ruth had composed herself very quickly. “I should know better than to go reaching for children I don’t know without asking for permission first. I have so many grandchildren we’re just used to passing them around among family so it’s habit.”
“If your offer still stands I would appreciate you watching him while I get some things moved in from my ship.”
“Well, if you’re sure,” Ruth said moving forward to allow him to place Luke in her arms, which he forced himself to do even though it felt like a blaster bolt to his gut. He had to get used to it, he reminded himself. After all, he'd be placing him in the arms of someone permanently soon enough.
----
“The Lars are back,” Ruth said casually as she drew a sabaac card from the pile at the center of the table. In the past few weeks since he had arrived at Tatooine, Obi-wan had settled into a strange routine that had somehow included playing sabaac with Ruth a night or two a week. Sabaac may not be his past-time of choice, but it was a good distraction and Ruth was a warm and steady companion who never asked him about his past even though he knew she was curious.
Even now her tone of voice was casual. She only gave him information she assumed would be relevant with no expectation even though he could feel her steady and calculating eyes on him. Ruth’s ability to read people almost rivaled his own.
He hummed in acknowledgment. “I’m assuming Dak told you this.” It surprisingly took no effort to keep his voice measured and he felt almost as if someone else was speaking. He moved to pick up another card.
“Yes, he’s a good boy. He thought you might want to know.” He registered her words as background noise more than anything. He wished the table would stop shaking because it was making it surprisingly hard for him to grasp a card from the deck.
Suddenly there was a hand on top of his own halting his actions. He looked up to Ruth in surprise. She looked very worried. “Ben” Had she been calling him before? “You’re shaking.” She said softly.
Obi-wan looked down at his hands and was startled to find she was correct. And now that he noticed he was able to register that his whole body was trembling except for his chest which felt like reinforced steel wrapped tightly around his ribcage blocking any breath from entering his lungs.
“Ben.” She said sharply, tightening the hand on his. “You have to breathe.”
Yes, he thought. I do know that. It just seems my lungs are refusing to cooperate at the moment.
“Watch my breaths.” She said as she took an exaggerated gulp of air and let it out slowly. “Now do it with me okay?” It felt ridiculous to need a demonstration for something infants were accomplished in, but he followed her lead
After a minute, he found that he could breathe on his own. “There you go.” Ruth encouraged. “Good job.” She gave his hand a squeeze and let go.
Once he felt collected enough to realize what had happened his face heated up in embarrassment. It was unlike him to lose control of his physical reactions - and in response to the most innocent unthreatening comment of all things.
He spared a glance at Ruth to see what she was thinking. Her face was kind and patient. Realizing that he was feeling better enough to talk she leaned forward. “I was under the impression,", her voice was soft and unthreatening, and her tone of voice made it clear he was under no obligation to answer the implied question. “That you were here to see the Lars. "
"I was,” His voice felt like gravel in his throat. "I am. " Ruth didn't say anything else, and he was tempted to leave it there; change the subject, and never speak of it again. But he couldn't avoid the subject forever and even if he never spoke of it he had to do something eventually. Talking to Ruth felt a little more manageable than facing the unavoidable truth by himself.
"The Lars are Luke's family. I came here to give Luke into their care. " He could see the surprise in Ruth’s face. Whatever she had thought it clearly hadn't been this. “I know you assumed Luke was mine and I let you. But he was only ever in my care temporarily. "
“You know, "Ruth said dryness in her tone, “I thought employees of the children's agency handled things a little bit differently. This doesn't seem exactly like protocol.”
He opened his mouth to respond at the same time Luke made it known he was awake from his nap with a loud cry. He was up and out of his seat and heading towards Luke without even thinking about it. As soon as Luke was in his arms he stopped crying and Obi-Wan walked slowly back to his chair gently rubbing Luke’s back.
Referring to him with a gentle expression on her face. "You're trying to tell me that child isn't yours?"
Obi-wan could hardly speak past the lump in his throat. He’d thought talking about it might help but if just speaking about it made his chest feel torn open what would he do when he had to explain it to the Lars when they took Luke away from him?
“I was entrusted temporarily with his care. His father was a friend of mine.” His voice shook on the word friend – so feeble a description for what Anakin had been to him. What he still was despite everything.
“And he asked you to take his son to his family?”
Obi-wan opened his mouth, a simple lie died in his throat, he closed it again while Ruth raised an eyebrow at him. Finally, he was able to form the vague, inane phrase, “It is a bit of a complicated situation.”
“If you're taking this baby to his family because those were his parent’s wishes or even perhaps tradition dictates it but if it’s an obligation that you’ve invented,” She paused studying his face. She seemed so sure she knew why he was doing this when she had absolutely no background for his actions and in fact, only met him a few short weeks ago. Was he so obvious? And how when he felt like he barely knew himself when even his own thoughts seemed impenetrable and indiscernible to him?
“See here Ben,” Ruth continued. “The Lars are good people, and they would take real good care of Luke. But anyone can see how much you care about Luke and how good you are with him. And he’s bonded with you. Maybe you think Lars can give him something you can’t. Maybe in some ways, that’s true. But all a little one really needs is love and you have enough of that to fill Beggar’s Canyon.”
Her words burned him to his core like a lightsaber to his chest. She didn’t understand. It didn’t matter how much he cared about Luke. His love was a poison, rotting everything it touched from the inside, and smothering the purest light in ash. Luke was better off without it.
----
Avoidance was not the Jedi way. And yet. And yet Obi-wan hadn’t left his dwelling at all in the three days since his disastrous sabacc game with Ruth. Unfortunately, he seemed incapable of doing anything beyond the basic necessities. If it hadn’t been for Luke he might never have left his cot at all. Somehow taking care of an infant seemed so much easier than trying to care for himself.
For the next couple of days, Obi-Wan fell into a routine defined more by a distinct lack of one. He would lay in bed until Luke’s fussing dragged him out of bed then he would feed or change or give him whatever else he needed. Then he would lay back in bed or sit down with Luke on his chest or in his lap. Ruth came by once or twice- it was a bit of a haze – to bring food.
He knew logically that he couldn't go on like this. He planned how he would tell the Lar’s about Luke. How he might entrust Luke to his care. He sometimes started to imagine what might happen if he didn’t, but he never let that particular idea linger for long. He felt almost as if he’d been carbon frozen – incapable of anything but letting time pass around him. It should bother him more than it did. But as long as Luke was happy, and Luke was almost always happy, Obi-Wan couldn't bring himself to care much about anything else.
He was burping Luke, who had eaten a truly impressive amount for such a small creature, when he was startled by a knock on his door. Luke, jolted out of his state of drowsy contentment, let out a small, displeased cry that threatened to turn into louder distressed cries. Obi-Wan stroked his back and whispered soothing nonsense in his ears to avoid such an event as he walked over to the door and dragged his hand over the door panel without even checking through the port to see who it was. He expected it to be Ruth. He immediately regretted this assumption when the door opened instead to reveal a short young woman with brown hair tied back in a bun. He mentally scolded himself for opening the door without checking first. What if there had been danger? Fortunately, he sensed no ill intentions from her, and his feelings quickly shifted towards embarrassment as he became acutely aware that his unkempt appearance.
" Oh hello." He said somewhat stupidly. He was a bit caught off guard which was a feeling that he loathed.
The woman only gave him a warm smile. “I'm so sorry!” she said. “I should have called ahead. My husband and I just got back from a long trip a couple of days ago and when I heard there was someone new around I just had to come and welcome you. We don't get a lot of newcomers around here.” She held up a tray. “I brought some food.”
“Oh, that's very kind,” Obi-Wan said recovering some of his wits. “Unfortunately, I don't have hands at the moment.t” He nodded at Luke with a smile.
“Well, I can put this in your kitchen for you if you don't mind me coming in.”
“Not at all. As long as you don't mind a mess” he replied. “We weren't quite expecting any visitors at the moment.”
"You’re fine! It’s my fault for stopping by unannounced! I was actually just visiting Ruth and since I pass by your home on the way back to mine she insisted I bring this bantha stew she made.”
“Oh yes. Ruth is very kind to think of us.” He said faintly. Ruth did sometimes bring them food, but she usually did so in person. It wasn’t strange necessarily that she might send food with someone who happened to be going his way but Obi-Wan felt a strange suspicion gnawing at him anyway.
“You know,” he said slowly trying desperately to sound casual and friendly. He used to be considered a great negotiator and now he often seemed to have trouble just stringing words together in a proper sentence. “I don’t think I caught your name.”
The woman had just set the stew on the counter which was fortunate as she turned around to face him so abruptly she surely would have dropped it if it was still in her hands. “I’m so sorry! I can’t believe I just barged into your house without introducing myself.” She gave him an embarrassed smile. “I’m Beru Lars.”
Obi-wan suddenly felt nauseous but swallowed it down. He shifted Luke to one arm so he could take Beru’s outstretched one in a firm handshake. He smiled warmly, “Ben Kenobi. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“And who is this?” Beru leaned down and cooed at Luke.
Obi-Wan forced himself to loosen his reflexive hold around the infant and turned him towards Beru. “This is Luke.”
“Hi Luke,” She gave him a little and he just looked at her with his unfocused eyes. She straightened up and smiled at him. “What a sweetheart.”
“Do you have any kids?”
“No. Maybe someday but not right now.”
Obi-wan gave her a blank look. He could feel his ability to maintain this social interaction waning.
Fortunately, Beru chose that moment to excuse herself. “Well, I better get going! I still have a few more errands to run but I just wanted to introduce myself. It was nice meeting you! Don’t be a stranger!”
Obi-wan went through the rest of the day in a haze, following his routine almost mechanically. It wasn’t until he’d laid down after putting Luke to sleep and cleaning up a bit that he was able to process the interaction at all.
Beru was a kind and caring woman. She had an emotional openness that made her easy to read in the Force, a rare trait. It indicated someone who trusted easily, perhaps too easily, but also someone who was kind and worthy of others’ trust. He knew that Luke would do well in her care, would thrive even.
He couldn’t, however, help but be caught up on what Beru had said. It was a passing, casual remark, but it’d stuck in his brain - “maybe someday”. He had been so focused on finding a safe place for Luke (and he hadn’t been wrong in that priority), that he’d never even thought to consider the Lar’s feelings on the matter; that they might not even want a child. He was sure they’d look after Luke, come to care for him as their own but that didn’t change the fact that he would be placing the sudden care and responsibility of a child on a couple that had no plans for their own. And all based on the tenuous link between two men who had only met once but were technically brothers. And he could admit now, at least to himself, that he did want to care for Luke. It was a desire so strong sometimes it was the only thing he could feel; the only thing that could break through the nothingness he often existed in.
Which was better, he wondered: a couple that would care for Luke even if they hadn’t wanted him initially, or someone who wanted him so much he thought he might go mad with it but could barely take care of himself most days?
----
Obi-wan is not surprised when Ruth shows up the next day.
“I heard you had a visitor yesterday.” She says after she’s made sure his kitchen’s stocked, and they sat down at the table with a Sabacc deck between them.
“Yes. I don’t suppose you had anything to do with that,” he said dryly. He thought he should be upset at her obvious meddling, but the anger wouldn’t stick.
She didn’t deny just gave him a thoughtful stare before responding. “Did it help?”
He frowned and looked at the cards in his hands. The symbols were meaningless to him. He thought he might be feeling the beginnings of a headache. He looked back up at Ruth. “I don’t know.” It was perhaps one of the most honest things he had said in a while.
Ruth waited for him to say something else, He didn’t - finding it difficult to coordinate his lips and jaw into forming words. “Owen and Beru are good people.” She said it casually. It was a truth, but it wasn’t said in a tone that indicated a judgment on anything beyond that.
“Yes.” He agreed faintly.
“So are you.” She said this time more intensely as if willing him to believe it.
He couldn’t.
“You don’t know me, Ruth.” His words were sharp.
“I know you’re good at Sabacc, though not as good as me. I know you care about that little boy. I know you’d do anything to protect him.”
“But I can’t.” The cards were quite blurry now. He blinked his eyes to clear the fog and felt moisture on his cheek. “I can’t protect him. You don’t know me, Ruth. I will fail him. Just like-” He took in a breath that felt like choking and didn’t finish saying out loud the thought that echoed in his head every day.
“Is this about the boy’s father?” Ruth asked quietly.
Obi-wan started. For a moment he wondered wildly how she could have known, what she could know, before remembering that he’d mentioned Luke’s father before.
“I failed him, Ruth. I can’t fail Luke too. He’d be better off without me.”
“His father was your friend, right? You blame yourself because he died?”
I killed him. He thought. Of course, his death is my fault I left him to burn. He could never say that out loud of course and he knew the duel on Mustafar was only part of it anyway. He’d lost the battle against the Dark Side’s seduction and Obi-wan had never been aware that it was a battle he had been in danger of losing. He should have.
“He wasn’t just a friend he-” Obi-wan paused tightening his hands into fists in an attempt to ward off their trembling. Should he continue? Could he? He took a deep breath. “I knew him for a very long time. Since he was a small boy who came into my care.”
“Oh.” Ruth’s eyes widened and she gently set her hand over one of his own in a feather-light touch. “The loss of a child is an unimaginable one.” The echoes of an old sorrow were woven with her words.
“I couldn’t be what he needed and now he’s gone.”
“Everybody makes mistakes, Ben. But if you loved him the way you love his son I know you did your best.”
Ruth meant well but she didn’t know the whole story. She didn’t know his full history of mistakes. His litany of failures. He shook his head in an automatic rejection of her words.
Ruth raised an eyebrow. “Are you telling me you didn’t love him?”
Jedi don’t love. The phrase was frayed at its edges from the number of times he’d recited it in his mind over the last fourteen years. He couldn’t bring himself to say it and not just because being a Jedi was a death sentence. The words rang false now. He supposed they always had.
Perhaps that was his mistake. Loving him. He knows Master Yoda would probably say it was.
It may have been, but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it even now.
Obi-wan looked over at Luke sleeping peacefully in his crib and let the silence hang thick between them.
-----
Night hadn’t fallen yet but the temperature was already starting its steep decline. It was dangerous to be this far out in the dunes especially this close to nightfall. He didn’t plan to be out here long though and he couldn’t put it off any longer. He should have done it months ago when he first arrived to Tatooine, but he hadn’t felt like he could leave Luke. And he hadn’t been ready.
He was ready now.
He dismounted from the eopie and removed a shovel from the saddle pack. It didn’t take him long to dig a hole in the sand. Once it was deep enough to serve its purpose he removed one of the bundles from the saddle pack.
He carefully unwrapped the lightsaber and cradled it gently in his hands. For so long it’d been a steady assurance wielded by the person he trusted most in the galaxy until that fateful day it had been turned against him.
“I’m sorry Anakin. I wasn’t what you needed. I don’t know what that was, and I suppose I can never know for sure now, but I think I’m learning.” He took a deep breath. His vision was starting to blur. He blinked a few tears away and continued. “I loved you. I still do. I’m sorry. If you didn’t know that.”
He ran his fingers over the cool durasteel before turning and grabbing the wooden box he’d brought and laying it down in the sand. He grabbed the other bundle out of the saddle pack, unwrapping it to reveal his own lightsaber. He laid both weapons side-by-side in the box, closed the lid, and buried it in the sand.
Once it was buried he stood there just for one more moment, letting his grief sink into the sands around him. Then he turned away and rode back home.
----
The wall by his workstation was smeared in red. Obi-wan looked down at Luke, who was happily waving at him with chubby fingers covered in red paint, and sighed. He usually kept his paints and other tools on the shelf above the table where he carved toys, figurines, and other items to sell. He must have forgotten to put one of the canisters away. A fatal mistake where Luke was at that stage where anything within his reach was in imminent danger of being thrown or eaten.
He’d once asked Ruth (not long after Luke had turned two) if it was normal for a child his age to have so much endless energy. It had taken a few minutes for Ruth to stop laughing and answer his question. Luke was almost three now and Obi-wan feared he’d never slow down. It didn’t bother him as much as he thought it would.
“All right little one.” He said shaking his head. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
When Obi-wan picked him up, Luke wrapped his little chubby arms around Obi-Wan’s neck and pressed an enthusiastic slobbery kiss to his cheek. “I love you.”
Obi-Wan inhaled sharply in surprise. The familiar ache filled his chest. He found his arms tightening their hold around the little boy quite of their own volition. I will not fail you as I have failed your father he thought not for the first time.
Obi-wan took in a deep breath and let it sit stinging in his chest. Then he releases it long and slow into the air. It goes past Luke’s ear and stirs the little blond hairs that curl around his temple causing Luke to giggle at the tickling sensation.
“I love you too little one.”
After a moment Luke started squirming in his grasp. Obi-wan chuckled “All right my little hellion.” He presses a quick kiss into his mop of blond hair and starts walking toward the fresher. “We have to get you nice and clean and ready for the day. You and I have a lot of fun plans today, don’t we?”
Luke’s responding giggle felt as bright and warm as the Tatooine suns.