Chapter Text
“Are you guys... dating, by any chance?” Megumi asked Yuuji and Gojo in the middle of their dinner together, along with Yuuta who was due for another long-term mission the day after, as well as Toge.
Gojo and Yuuji were seated next to each other—both halted in their feeding at the question but for different reasons. Yuuji was more surprised and flustered, while Gojo was in disbelief. It was a valid question, though, because everyone could see how close the two were, joined by the hips. Every now and then, Megumi would hear Gojo’s voice in Yuuji’s room through the thin walls well over midnight—laughs, chats, then silence without goodbyes or familiar door creaks that’d indicate Gojo sleeping over the pink-haired boy’s room. They looked intimate, and for someone like Yuuji, he would understandably think something was actually going on between them. Someone as naive as Yuuji wouldn’t register that he was unintentionally led on.
Maybe it’s the silent desperation due to the ticking time bomb put on his short life. The inevitable death sentence. For all he knew, they might find the last five fingers that day, and his execution was tomorrow. He wanted to believe that he could get a normal life despite that.
“With Yuuji?” Gojo spoke before Yuuji could verbalize any voice out of his throat, “Of course not, what are you saying, Megumi?”
He was laughing off what Megumi asked him as a joke, not realizing the growing discomfort in the boy next to him. Gojo could just stop speaking then and there, and it’d be fine, but he seemed to have such a problem to keep his mouth shut.
“Why would I? Didn’t think you’d be such a comedian, Megumi~ You used to be so dry,” he added, shaking his head with his chuckle.
Megumi had his own underlying guilt for asking it when he eyed Yuuji fidgeting with his chopsticks as he slowly put it down to the side of his plate, clearly discomforted despite the efforts to brush it off.
“Yeah...” Yuuji slowly agreed, not knowing what to even say at the moment. He knew he shouldn’t be surprised, all things considered but it... his chest felt a little heavy for some reason. Yeah, they weren’t dating. They were friends, at least he hoped so. They were a teacher and a student, with an age gap. Plus, he’s a man. Yuuji knew Gojo would need a woman simply because he’s the head of a clan that needed heirs.
It wouldn’t work anyway. Just having feelings for Gojo wouldn’t fare. Well... A vessel like him shouldn’t get involved with anyone like that anyway but it still hurts hearing Gojo outright unknowingly reject him like that.
Yuuji still had a quarter of a plate filled with food, but suddenly he didn’t feel like eating. Was it his mood that’s tampering with his appetite? All he thought about that moment was wanting a reason to get out, but he didn’t have a reason to do so without being obvious that it’s because of Megumi’s question and Gojo’s answer.
His instinct was to text Nobara, who was out shopping with Maki not far from the restaurant they were dining in. When everyone at the table were chatting—more so Yuuta, Toge and Gojo, Yuuji was tapping on his phone before putting it back down on the table.
Y: [Kugisaki, I need your help]
Y: [Can you call me in a bit and make up a reason to get me out of here?]
A few seconds passed, and he felt the familiar notification vibration of the phone under his palm.
N: [Emergency?]
Y: [Something like that]
N: [2 minutes]
Nobara was always dependable in situations like this maybe because she’s more social than Megumi, so she would help him only to question later, while Megumi would nag his ear off with questions to understand a situation before he even considered helping. He had assumed it’s her nature to do that, knowing Yuuji might get himself in trouble sometimes.
Just as the dependable woman herself, she called him a couple minutes later to which he raised to his ear only to pull the phone away in shock at Nobara’s sudden loud nagging that’s really just her screaming at him.
“Oi, Itadori! You said you’d help me with this, where the hell are you!” she yelled loud enough for the others on the dinner table to hear her voice, even if not her words. But Yuuji knew Gojo would hear what she said and he’s eternally grateful for her to exclude the mention of him asking for help, and instead create a whole new scenario like it’s real.
“Ah, sorry sorry. I’ll come over soon. Where are you now?” Yuuji sighed, showing guilt on his face and voice, rubbing the back of his neck to play into it.
“COCO concept store, it’s a yellow/blue label down the street where you’re at I think,” she explained, knowing he’d have no problem finding the store because she chose the easiest store to distinguish. Eventhough it’s a little cold, she was waiting in front of said store with a bunch of bags and Maki simply waiting with her.
“I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he told her, then waited for her to end the call before he did. When he heard the end beeping at the end of the line, he put the phone in his pockets with an faked exasperated sigh.
“Kugisaki?” Megumi asked him.
“Yeah. Sorry I gotta go. I promised to help with her shopping but I didn’t think I would be behind schedule,” he rationalized, just making up a narrative at this point with Nobara and hoped their stories match up if anyone asked her about him.
“Eh? But you haven’t finished your food, Yuuji,” Gojo eyed him when Yuuji was putting on his hoodied jacket over his cotton shirt, before putting on his bag over his shoulder.
“It’s okay. Kugisaki and me might grab something as we go anyway. I’ll pay for my food on my way out,” he told Gojo, not necessarily looking at him but it could be brushed off as him getting himself together and straightening himself up as he stood up and off the seat.
“Dinner’s on me, Yuuji. Don’t worry about it,” Gojo said, but his voice seemed a little doubtful or curious when he sensed something feeling amiss even when he wasn’t sure what himself.
“...Thanks. I’ll be on my way,” Yuuji thanked him, before turning to face Fushiguro, “See you later at the dorms, Fushiguro.”
“Mhm. Just text me when you head back I guess.”
With that, he curtly said his goodbyes to the rest seated on the table before leaving the front door of the restaurant although feeling eyes bearing on him.
Yuuji immediately made a right turn when he left the restaurant, eyeing the store names one by one as he walked while trying to breathe. Not that he was hyperventilating earlier, but it just felt heavy. A little worse than feeling discouraged but a little less than despair. He didn’t think that was what people would say was heartbreak, but there was an air of disappointment.
That feeling was reflected on his face when he was snapped out of his thoughts by Nobara who gave a light punch on his shoulder when he was unresponsive to her calling his name.
“Are you wearing makeup?” Nobara asked, quite a random question in his opinion but he went with it anyway.
“Just lipbalm, that’s it. Why?”
“Well, you look a bit pale. Maybe it’s the lighting,” she told him with a softer expression. Concern. She wouldn’t outright show that she’s worried or soft but for knowing her for so long, it’s something he could read on her face, despite one eye being covered by a patch.
“Maybe that’s why,” he replied, agreeing to her rationale. He wasn’t feeling lightheaded or anything, just heavy. He doubt it’s anything bad, and it’s really just something he’s imagining.
“Well are you okay? You said you needed to get out of there,” she asked him to try and see what’s wrong because Yuuji never told people his problems or what he’s worried about, but seeing how he rarely asked for help or favour made her want to pry anyway even if it was a fruitless attempt. Sometimes you just need someone to ask even if you never planned to tell.
“It’s just a little hard to breathe back there. But I wanted a good reason to get out.”
“Panic attack?”
“No, it’s not that bad,” he waved his hand nonchalantly, not wanting her to make this a big issue. He knew from how she pursed her lips, she desperately wanted him to say more but there’s no use when he’s adamant on being okay.
“Did I bother you?” Yuuji asked instead, eyeing Maki and the bags of purchases arranged next to them. Maki just gave him a small smile, reassuring him.
“We plan to go to a few other stores because of a sale but if you want to go home now, we can leave together,” Maki butted in, knowing if Nobara opened her mouth to answer, she would be blunt about it and say yes, which wouldn’t be the best thing to say in the moment.
Yuuji felt like an intruder for some reason. They were being nice, but he felt like he’s unwelcomed. They were having a girl’s day out, fangirling over brands and products he’s not familiar with and he doubt they’d feel as comfortable if he’s there because they’d feel bad seeing he’s left out of the conversation. And he didn’t want them to cut their own enjoyment for his selfishness either.
“...It’s fine, I’ll just go home myself. I can bring some of your stuff if you want,” he pointed to the bags on the ground, but after a few seconds, Nobara just handed him a plastic containing a couple of bakery boxes.
“There’s some dessert. Have some and put the rest in the refrigerator. The rest we’ll bring back ourselves because we still need to separate our purchases,” Nobara reasoned, easing some guilt or anxiety from the boy, “Go back and rest, dude. You look like you need it.”
“Yeah. Thanks Kugisaki.”
The thing with Gojo was probably the start of his actual realization that he was probably less significant than he thought. Not just with the man.
Everyone had their own lives, and yet Yuuji can’t live his life in comfort. All he could think about was the noose around his neck ever since he ate the first finger.
He remembered when he went out to buy some groceries to make dinner about a week after the dinner where Yuuji practically were told of their... nonexistent relationship, about to text Gojo if he had anything in particular he’s craving for only to see him in the city with a woman through a large transparent window of a high end restaurant. He doubt Gojo saw him, given that they looked like they’re enjoying each other’s company. Yuuji looked back on his phone screen, at the typed text he had meant to send Gojo, but just deleted the line of words with a sigh. He’d just buy whatever that piqued his interest later in the grocery store. Maybe that date went well, because Yuuji didn’t think Gojo visited his room anymore after that, nor spent time after class with him like he used to. If this was anyone else, maybe he would brush it off, knowing the world didn’t revolve around him, but the fact that he probably harboured feelings for him—that only opened up more doors of realization for disappointments.
Because when someone you deemed so special had casted you aside, you would start to find faults in your relationship with everyone else to confirm the dejection further, to confirm the flaw in yourself. To know for sure that he was probably just a dot on a piece of paper to them.
Megumi seemed busier these days too, now as a clan leader trying to restart the shitty Zen’in clan. He was working closely with Noritoshi Kamo from the Kyoto school, with Maki and also occasionally with Gojo (which Megumi said he didn’t prefer doing because Gojo was only testing his patience). But as a sorcerer, he’s an established name. A skillful one at that. The days he’s not bothered by the clan issue, he was training to tame his shikigamis or spend a day walking the Divine dogs. So he’s been spending less time with Yuuji like he used to during boring nights at the dorms. When Yuuji was bored, he really can’t just go next door to bother the boy anymore, really. If he was home by curfew, he’d be too exhausted to talk to Yuuji.
Nobara... well, she was more social nowadays, spending days and nights out with the female students but usually with Maki. Given that they were now 16, now second years, she was also trying to prove herself for her grade, as well as trying to find a boyfriend for some reason (Yuuji didn’t know if he believed this, but it’s the excuse she kept giving him before she complained about not having a man spending money on her). She’d been taking on more missions too, to gain more income for a reason she wouldn’t tell Yuuji. So when she’s even free, she spent with the girls. Sometimes she spent it with Yuuji, because he tend to play along with what she wanted, but it became a rarer occasion. The fact that she went along with his favour the other day was a pleasant surprise considering how rarely they spent time together anymore.
Everyone had their own routines, busier, livelier, and Yuuji wanted to live life like they did. But he just felt... emptier by the day. The more days passed, he didn’t even realize how he was also pushing everyone away. He was participating in get-togethers much less, stopped proposing to spend time together anymore when his offers kept being brushed off, being more of a shut-in than Megumi ever was—every shine that used to be Itadori Yuuji had dulled because he’s so tired and he couldn’t even say why.
Well, I ’ m going to die soon anyway.
That was his fucked up rationale to push everyone away.
Isn ’ t this mercy? The less I ’ m attached to everyone, the easier it would be for them when I ’ m gone.
Everything he thought of was an excuse to ignore how unhappy he was feeling, and to just keep living as a sorcerer until he’s due to be executed. He did say he was a mere cog in this huge game of magical cops and robbers. He could run away, but being a vessel, he would just be hunted down. The closest alternative he had was to go back to Sendai for a few days. That’s also running away in his mind. Some fresh air, familiar surrounding might help him empty his mind.
When he texted the groupchat with Megumi and Nobara—one that he hadn’t opened in a while or replied to previous texts, he asked for an opinion if he should go back to Sendai and when was appropriate to do so. The other two obviously knew he was more distant nowadays, so they can’t help but just let him go back knowing he probably needed the temporary escape. So they helped Yuuji in the process of applying for a temporary leave from school directly to the principal, which granted him a mere 4 days off. Well... at least it coincided with one of the more memorable day in his life—his grandfather’s death, his first meeting with Fushiguro and Gojo as well as being thrown into the Jujutsu world.
Early in the morning, he caught a train to Sendai, leaving without saying his goodbyes to anyone. All he craved for was solitude in the cool breeze of the morning.
It was pure luck that Principal Yaga allowed him to travel alone without anyone needing to shadow his every move, because he thought that he wouldn’t trust him enough. Yet he understood his reasoning to go back (and he felt that his friends also had a hand in convincing the principal to let him be alone).
So here he was, after cleaning his old home, in front of the Itadori family grave with incense, flowers and a bottle of alcohol that his grandfather had stashed away.
He never really... talked to the dead. Could they even listen from whatever afterlife they’re at? For all he cared, he might just be talking to air when he sat down next to the grave, shaded by a large tree. For a while, he just lit the incense, spoke a silent prayer then waited in silence as he thought about how to even start. He always heard about people talking to their loved ones that had passed, or even talking to themselves and it allowed for more vulnerability which equated to feeling better when all that was pent out, was finally let out. Even if no one listened to give a solution, it’d be out of the system.
“Sorry it took too long to visit, grandpa,” he started, feeling like that’s a proper thing to say first. He figured he should just talk like he would if this was his grandfather instead of a gravestone in the midst of a hundred other in the area.
Right... What do I even say?
“Life’s been wild after you left. Now that I think of it, I don’t think I had time to properly mourn you back then. Would you believe me if I said that I ate a finger?” he huffed out a chuckle, imagining what stupid expression his grandfather would make at that, “Well I ate it, then suddenly I’m both a vessel of Sukuna and a sorcerer. I think you’d be nagging my ears off if this happened when you’re alive.”
“Well, apparently being his vessel meant that I’m gonna die. They’re gonna execute me once they find the last 5 fingers. I don’t... really know what to feel about it, honestly. I don’t think I necessarily have words for it because now I don’t care as much. Maybe I’m used to it. Maybe I’m numbed by it. For all I know, I’m going to die within the next few months,” he added, his voice too calm despite the reality of impending doom, but he also realized that the words came out too casual and his heart wasn’t at all bothered about the reality.
Perhaps he secretly wished it happened as soon as possible.
“It’s actually scary, but... I’ve died twice before now. Both of those times were not as scary as I thought death would be so being executed didn’t seem to be any worse. I wonder if they’d hang me, or decimate me. I feel like they’d cremate me to be sure.”
People wouldn’t talk about this as calm as he did, right? Yuuji himself didn’t know why he sounded fine with it. He thought that maybe the fact he’s sitting where a lot of dead people lies 6 feet under was one reason why—talking about death just made sense here. If any souls were lingering and listening, maybe they’d understand where he’s coming from too. The fact that Sukuna was so silent also felt reassuring, letting him spill his heart without judgement.
“Everyone seemed to have their life together. I think you’d like them—my friends. But... I don’t know... lately I feel so burdened. Like, I’m insecure for even existing in their life. It feels like I don’t belong there, or anywhere, when everyone is getting their life together after Shibuya happened. I don’t know if they even like being around me. But I guess it’s because they’re saving themselves from the trouble of mourning when I’m gone. If I keep my distance, it would be kindness, right? I keep telling me I shouldn’t have expectations, and that I don’t deserve things like they did because I have a lot of red on my ledger. I... killed so many. I don’t know if your last request even hold up anymore, grandpa. But maybe it’s good that you’re not here to see the failure that I am,” he sighed and yet a small smile crept on his face to hide the absolute weight he’s feeling as he admit to that, hugging his knees to his chest.
“You know, grandpa. I started to smoke a little not long ago, just to fill the void. I avoided it, because that’s what ended up killing you right? It helped calm me down when I’m having an absolutely bad day, because no one is there anymore that I can reach out to. But maybe the addiction runs in the family? Not that I smoked everyday or anything. I wonder if dad picked up that habit. Now that I think of it, maybe I should’ve let you told me about them. Or I would say, warn me of my mother. To know that she’s—” he halted, frowned when he envisioned the woman in his vision, with the familiar stitch on her forehead. Ah, he despised that so deeply, “Saying it out loud would just confirm it, right?”
“Oi brat—” the deeper voice of the curse startled him, but it only lasted for a second when he immediately felt annoyed by the intrusion of privacy. He shouldn’t expect Sukuna to behave for so long. Everytime he was sad, Sukuna always had something petty to say, to mock him for being an emotional brat
“Can’t you fuck off at least this once?” he grunted, covering the mouth forming under his left eye with the thicker fabric of his sleeves, only for Sukuna to reappear on his hand, ignoring Yuuji altogether.
“Don’t worry, old man. When I take over this kid’s body and destroy the world, I’d be sure to spare your place of rest. I suppose it’s one thing in exchange for using this idiot’s body,” Sukuna said casually, somehow softer, and Yuuji just could not for the life of him understand it.
“Why—” Yuuji spoke out, not realizing the crack in his voice before it turned to a sob well after Sukuna disappeared back into his domain, “Did you intentionally trying to make me feel worse? Make me into a mess?” He asked Sukuna, to no avail.
Perhaps he was just deprived of actual care or affection or any significant reassurance that the bare minimum from a wretched, annoying curse was breaking his calmer facade.
“I don’t... I don’t want to die, but I don’t have a choice, grandpa. I don’t know what to do to get out of it, but I know I should die. I wonder how you felt when you knew you didn’t have long. You seemed so calm before you died, acting like nothing’s wrong. Were you scared?” he was properly sobbing now, crying in stifled sounds.
He tried to act like nothing’s wrong. Like his execution was nothing big, that dying the third time won’t be any special. And he was fine with it. But the creeping anxiety of it all was still there. The one he tried to hard to ignore and not show anyone. And that fucking Sukuna— just broke the ceramic layer of his mask into pieces to expose a vulnerable, crying child within him.
“I know you said to die surrounded by people but I feel so alone...” he spoke in a small, broken voice as he wiped the tears flowing continuously down his cheek, and kept his hand up to his eyes to hide his own face from any phantom spectator in embarrassment. He felt so pathetic to be crying. He felt pathetic to be hopeful at all.
“How is this fair to me, at all?”
Yuuji despised thinking about fairness of himself, because it would mean wanting more than what he was already granted. It’s a selfishness he felt guilty to have but everything was just too cruel to him. He felt like a punching bag, an entity that didn’t fit anywhere. And the isolation had brought him to a point where ignorance and numbness was more favourable than having to deal with anything. Just wait it out, keep it in then die when it came to it.
Even if he was just speaking to air of the dead, he wanted to be cradled. Feel some sort of love, but all he felt was breeze that carried dried leaves across the ground and barely even caressed his wet face. For a few minutes, all he had was himself in a deep pit of pain and despair.
Then the tears stopped, leaving a sheen trail down his cheek in the creeping silence under the tree that kept him from the scorching Sun like it’s the only thing pitying him. The after-cry exhaustion and emptiness now replaced the emotional turbulence he had earlier and all he could think about was how tired he was. No matter the rustling he heard, or the branch snapping on the ground, or the bird looking from above not offering any sad interlude.
“This is stupid,” he said out loud, annoyed at how heavy his eyelids felt or how he knew his eyes would be puffy later from the tears, “If you were here, you would probably complain about how I’m crying like an idiot.”
So much for being a naturally happy person, as they said, if he had to be this fucking depressed.
“...It’s not even the first time I’m alone and lonely but... everyone was so nice to me, then now I’m casted aside. So I pushed them away too, figuring that’s what they wanted. Was it cowardice that got me here? You wouldn’t be proud of me for that...”
A disappointment. His grandfather never put expectations on his academics when he realized Yuuji struggled in it, so he would allow for any achievements as long as he tried his best. But his grandpa held high of his athletic abilities as well as his steel soul. Of how independent and reliable he was, how he was a tough kid that matured early to take care of him. To cry like this in front of a gravestone felt like he was failing in that too.
“Everyone have their own lives, I get it. But I guess I was excited to have friends that’s so much like a family. Maybe that’s why it hurts a lot when everyone got too busy to spend time like they used to, or chose to not be attached with me? I can’t blame them for it either. It just... I’d be selfish if I wanted more attention,” he muttered when he felt much calmer, his voice now reaching a monotonous range simply because he couldn’t make himself emote anymore than necessary, “One of them... I felt special with him. Not necessarily like a family kind of special, but like... I don’t know, special someone? He was that to me, at least. But then I knew he had no interest in me like that, so I think that was when I started distancing myself and told myself to stay out of their lives as much as I could. I could just be a bother. Maybe I was just embarrassed to know that I was mistaken with his treatment to me. Everyone was busy building their lives, and I was growing to be a smaller presence to them. So I thought it'd be different with him...I’m nothing special, so maybe that feeling I felt with him was just charity.”
“Whatever. I shouldn’t dwell on it. I just told myself that I shouldn’t be in any relationships or bonds and here I am thinking of a person I’m not even dating. Maybe I’m just meant to be alone. If it weren’t for your damn curse, maybe I would just kill myself at home, be a curse that haunts the place,” Yuuji muttered, pushing himself off the ground with a heave.
“I’m getting tired, grandpa. Sleeping after a good cry would be pretty nice,” he said while he brushed off the dirt and dried leaves stuck on his pants, placing a hand on top of the headstone like a final goodbye, “I hope I’ll be alive for long enough to visit you again. But, well, I guess if I die, I’d also see you. Just be sure to greet me on the other side when that happens if you’re not disappointed in me.”