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Izuku slipped down the dorm stairs slowly to avoid making any extra noises. He needed something to eat after he had been missing from dinner. He just couldn’t handle being around Kacchan tonight. Couldn’t handle the looks, the stares, the smell, the feel of him being right there. Of him being within reach. Izuku just didn’t want to deal with it, so he didn’t. Unfortunately, that meant that he didn’t eat anything other than a protein bar after training and he was hungry .
Digging through the pantry, Izuku silently cheers when he finds a lone cup noodle he had hidden away last week. Boiling the water didn’t take long at all and Izuku moved around grabbing chopsticks in the dark while the noodles cooked. His mental alarm had just clicked when he heard the sounds of footsteps on the stairs. Preparing for Shinsou or Denki to come waltzing in, Izuku plopped himself onto the counter and stirred his noodles lightly. The smell wafting through the air in a delightful manner.
Izuku had just shoved the first mouthful of noodles into his mouth when spiked blonde hair came around the corner. Shit. Scowling into his cup, Izuku pretended to have not heard. He pretended he didn’t hear the footsteps pause. Pretended he didn’t notice the second set of breaths in the room. Izuku pretended even thought they both knew that he was aware of it all.
“You weren’t at dinner.” Rough and scratchy, but quiet. His voice was probably as soft as it would ever be. Izuku could remember that tone. That voice in the dark when nightmares were bad. When nothing felt real and hands reached out to grab everyone.
Izuku stirred his noodles again, refusing to look up at those softened ruby eyes. First year Izuku would never imagine this is where they would in this position. Would never imagine that there would ever even be a situation to be in. But here Izuku sat, refusing to meet the eyes of Kacchan. Refusing to even look at him unless he had to. “No.” Izuku kept his voice clipped and low. He just wanted to eat his noodles and leave.
Izuku kept Kacchan’s secret. Kept all of his secrets even when they hurt . No matter the burn in Izuku’s chest or the ache in his throat, Izuku would never do that to Kacchan. Would never do that to anyone. Kacchan made a sound like he was going to speak before abandoning it. With a soft sigh, he flipped on the sink and filled his water glass. Picking at his noodles, Izuku tried to breathe through the bitterness in his stomach. This is why he didn’t come to dinner.
“I hate this. Just so you know. I hate this whole thing.” Izuku wanted to break at the raw emotion in Kacchan’s voice. Wanted to hold the blonde close and reassure him everything was okay. Except it wasn’t. It wasn’t okay because Izuku wouldn’t be a secret. He couldn’t do that to himself. He understood Kacchan’s situation, but he couldn’t go backwards. He didn’t deserve that.
Putting his noodles down, Izuku pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes so hard that colour burst across his vision. He was just so tired. “I know. That doesn’t change anything though.” The soft clink of the class on the metal sink filled the silence. Footsteps shuffled and Izuku could feel the heat of Kacchan stepping close to him. One hand on each side of where he was sitting and head bowed. Izuku didn’t even need to open his eyes to know this. It was a familiar position at this point. A familiar conversation.
Leaning forward slightly, Izuku pressed his forehead into Kacchan’s. He was so tired. “What if I came out? What if I told them?” Izuku breathed in the warm cinnamon caramel scent that always lingered. Cinnamon was the smell of the special soap and shampoo Kacchan had to use. What Kacchan was saying sounded amazing. It sounded like everything they wanted.
It just couldn’t happen.
“You can’t and you know it, Kacchan. Not until you have your own apartment. Not until you’re out of school.” A tear splashed on Izuku’s thigh silently. Pressing a light kiss to that sharp blonde hair, Izuku let his lips rest there. He could savour this moment. He could pretend for just a minute that these moments, these feelings, weren’t only for three in the morning and darkened kitchens. He could pretend for just a moment.
“I’m so sorry , Izu. I’m so fucking sorry.” Unable to resist the crack in Kacchan’s voice, Izuku wrapped his arms around Kacchan’s shoulders and pulled him close. Kacchan burrowed his face into Izuku’s neck and breathed unevenly.
“I know, Kacchan. I know .” They stayed like that for several minutes before the air shifted from pained and tense to a different type of tension. It shifted and so did Kacchan’s face. His lips began trailing light kisses up Izuku’s neck and Izuku was helpless against the shiver working up his spine. Kacchan had always had that effect on him. Had always been able to make Izuku weak at the knees. Had always known just where to push. After everything in first year, how he pushed those buttons changed.
For a while this was normal. Kacchan’s lips on Izuku’s skin. Izuku’s hands on Kacchan’s head. It was normal and it felt right . But Izuku didn’t want to be a secret and Kacchan’s parents would pull him from the hero program. They both knew this, but it didn’t change anything. They were at an impasse that couldn’t be broached until Kacchan could tell people who he was, could tell people who he loved.
Kacchan’s nose trailed up Izuku’s jaw and he placed soft, careful kisses along the sensitive skin. “I fucking love you, Izu. I love you so damn much.” Tears fell from Izuku’s eyes as he pulled away from wandering lips and soft words. He pulled away from what he couldn’t have. Not yet and maybe not ever. Shinsou had been flirting with him after all. Izuku could love him one day. Could love him so easily. They were friends, they were close. It would be so easy .
Their mouths slotted together in a furious pain that left them both breathless and lips puffy. Tears still streamed down Izuku’s face and Kacchan’s eyes were blood shot. It would be so easy to love someone else, but Izuku didn’t want to love anyone else. He hated that. Hated that the boy in front of him hurt so much to be near and hurt just as much to be away from. “I hate you, Kacchan. I hate you so much because the more you make me love you the more I have to hate you.” Pressing foreheads together once more, they shared a silent moment.
Then Kacchan pulled away and walked back to his room and Izuku finished his now cold noodles. Izuku was so tired.