Chapter Text
It’s somehow still early in the evening by the time dinner is eaten, and the kitchen is cleaned up. All the guys are spread out in the dorm, doing their own things for the evening. Today was their last day of work before a long awaited and desperately needed five-day break. They debuted three months ago, have barely had time to sit still since, and now they get a little break before jumping into preparations for their first comeback.
Hyunjin stands awkwardly in the doorway to the living room, watching Felix on the couch, playing something on his phone. Felix is very focused on the game, his tongue poking out between his lips and eyes almost watering from forgetting to blink. It’s so adorable, Hyunjin uses that as an excuse not too interrupt.
He is trying to work up the courage to talk to Felix, but knowing what he’s about to do, that might never happen. He’s attempted to ask Felix to talk since they got home almost two hours ago, but he keeps missing his chance, or at least that’s what he tells himself. All day, he’s been distracted, trying to figure out what to do. Now that he’s decided, he keeps avoiding it, telling himself it can wait a little longer.
His mind as stuck on a video he watched while eating breakfast all day. It was one of those one-minute videos that is fan made that is mostly lies. It was nothing special, just a ‘who are these K-pop idols dating according to people in the industry’ videos. It’s just speculation, Hyunjin knows for a fact that some of the people mentioned in the video have other dating statuses than what was said.
It still got to him when there was a photo of his group with the words ‘Stray Kids – all JYP artists have a dating ban for three years, they’d get blacklisted’ written across their foreheads. He hadn’t thought much of the dating ban until that moment. It was just a small detail in their contract, something they agreed with because they had no other choice. He barely read the contract, knowing that the only options were to agree or leave.
It never crossed his mind that he would fall for someone before the dating ban even started. Technically, it starts when they debut, but they were advised not to start anything while they were trainees either. It was a given to Hyunjin that he shouldn’t start dating anyone when he’d have to break it off once he debuted anyway.
All of that went out the window when he met Felix, nothing was going to stop them from being together. He tends to shut things he doesn’t want to look at behind a door in his mind, the dating ban is one of those things. And then one day, someone knocks down the door and forgotten things spill out, reality hitting him in the face.
He'd be overjoyed that their group was included in the video if he wasn’t so freaked out by that one word. Blacklisted. If him and Felix were found out, they’d lose their place in the group, would be shut out with nothing but the clothes on their backs. And the whole industry would know why, breach of contract. No one would want to work with him ever again. He could just kiss his career goodbye if anyone ever found out.
Felix glances up from his phone, seeing Hyunjin standing there and smiles warmly, patting the empty space beside himself in invitation. Hyunjin doesn’t move closer, he can’t sit down, or he won’t be able to go through with this. He can’t wake up tomorrow with this still hanging over his head.
Hyunjin and Felix are risking everything just to be together. They will lose everything including their career, members, and each other if their relationship came to light. Is it really worth losing absolutely everything? No, Hyunjin has decided, it isn’t. He can still have Felix, nothing will ever change that, just not like this, not for the next three years, or two years and nine months.
“Hyun-ie?” Felix narrows his eyes at him when he doesn’t come over. His phone sits forgotten in his lap; the screen has gone black while Hyunjin was spaced out, just lost in thought. Hyunjin takes a deep breath, deciding that it’s now or never.
“Wanna go for a walk?” He asks, setting his plan into motion by taking the first step. He nervously shifts from foot to foot as Felix just looks at him, concern flashing across his face. He can probably tell that Hyunjin has a lot on his mind. Hyunjin does that sometimes, gets stuck on a thought and needs Felix to help him work through it.
“Now? Are you okay?” Felix asks, pushing himself to sit at the edge of the couch, but not getting up yet. Hyunjin doesn’t reply, he can’t. He’s not okay, not at all, but this needs to be done and he can’t do it here. Felix nods eventually, standing up and coming over to Hyunjin. “Okay, just let me tell Chan.” He says, slipping down the hallway in search of their leader.
Hyunjin wants nothing more than to run after Felix, tell him to forget it, that he’s changed his mind. It’s unfair that someone who makes him feel this good is a bad thing. He can’t understand how dating someone is a negative thing for their careers. And how is it okay in three years but not now? They will always need to put the same amount of work in, and dating isn’t going to be any less complicated or take up any less of their time, energy, and attention in three years.
So many idols have relationships fail because their partner can never really understand how busy they are, how hard it is to have any personal time sometimes. Hyunjin is incredibly lucky to have found not only someone in the same business, but in the same group. With how little spare time they have most of the time, being in separate groups with conflicting schedules is almost harder than being with someone who isn’t an idol.
Being with someone in the same group is perfect. They get to spent time together even when they’re too busy to take a break. Their schedules align, meaning they have spare time at the same time, they get out of work at the same time, they have days off at the same time. It’s really the best option for someone in their position. For some couples, it can be too much to be on top of the person they’re with constantly, but not for Hyunjin and Felix. They never get enough of each other.
Felix returns a moment later, easy smile on his face that does little to calm Hyunjin down. They slip on their shoes and go into the humid summer heat. Felix tries to take Hyunjin’s hand as they walk down the street, but Hyunjin retracts his hand, closing his eyes at the pain already sparking in his chest.
They don’t go for walks that often anymore, usually more than tired enough from practice and work, but they have a regular route around the city from when Kkami still lived with them at the dorm. After debuting, they got too busy and Kkami had to move back to Hyunjin’s parents.
There’s a beautiful park nearby they often went to on their walks, the place is usually not that crowded, far enough away from the places people gather that not many people come here. It will hopefully be empty at this time of day, Hyunjin doesn’t need a whole audience for this.
Neither one of them try to start up conversation as they walk, something tense in the air between them that Felix is clearly sensing as well. Hyunjin tries to think this through one more time. Does he really want to lose Felix? He won’t be able to hold him close and kiss him, won’t be able to sleep in his bed every night and go to him with every little problem.
But he won’t lose him, Felix will still be there, and they will live their dream alongside each other no matter what goes down today. And when the two years and nine months have passed, if they still feel the same, they can do whatever they want. It is not what Hyunjin wants though, he wants to be with Felix, to hold him close and kiss him and sleep in his bed and lean on him for everything.
He’s just so confused and feels backed into a corner. When comparing the options, there’s no choice. It’s either lose Felix or lose everything else. Living without everything else is no life. His old dream of being an interior designer pales in comparison to the passion he found in music. He just can’t lose all of that.
While they walk, Felix never gives up trying to get physical contact. He repeatedly tries to take Hyunjin’s hand and when that doesn’t succeed, he links his arm around Hyunjin’s, but Hyunjin retracts his arm. He hates the way his heart clenches in fear every time Felix touches him. All it takes is one person recognizing them and starting a rumor and they’re done for.
Felix suddenly stops walking, just looking at Hyunjin like he’s scared of what will happen next. Hyunjin can already feel the tears pressing behind his eyes, the lump in his throat too big to breathe around. He really looks at Felix, noting every little detail of how he looks on days like today. There’s no makeup on his face, no product in his hair and he hasn’t slept enough for too long.
Nothing covers up his freckles, changes the shape of his eyes, or brightens his skin. There’s a small pimple under his eye and dark circles under his eyes that haven’t been covered up. When he looks up at Hyunjin, his dark eyelashes fan out across his hooded eyelids. His hair falls in his face, refusing to stay out of the way if he doesn’t style it. It looks so soft like this, fluffy. Hyunjin can’t lose this, saving all of these details in his brain so he’ll always have them.
“Hyun-ie, what’s going on?” Felix asks, taking Hyunjin’s hands in his own and holding on tight. Hyunjin searches for words, for a way to explain what is going on in his head. But there is nothing he can say that will make this hurt any less for either of them. The words he manages to think of disappear before he can utter them, the stress of the day catching up to him and making him blur around the edges.
“Nothing.” Hyunjin says, he wants to hold on for another moment. He knows thing will change as soon as he figures out what to say, but he isn’t ready for it, doesn’t want it to change yet. He wants one more normal moment with the person he loves so deeply it almost hurts.
“You must think I’m an idiot if you expect me to believe that.” Felix says with a small smile, the concern in his eyes deepening, giving away his true emotions. He squeezes Hyunjin’s hands reassuringly, nodding at him when Hyunjin draws in a breath but hesitates at the last moment.
“I want to break up.” Hyunjin whispers, avoiding Felix’s eyes. It comes out all wrong, his brain twisting up the words on the way out. He doesn’t want to, he has to, he’s given no other choice. The fear of what will happen if he doesn’t do this is too big, he can’t live with that fear.
“What?” Felix scoffs, probably hoping he misheard or Hyunjin misspoke, but Hyunjin shakes his head, blinking rapidly to hold the tears back. He doesn’t want to mess it up again, so he tries to say something different.
“We can’t be together.” Hyunjin says, watching the words slowly sink in for Felix. When they do, Felix takes a step back, letting go of Hyunjin’s hands with so much pain on his face, Hyunjin wants to drop to his knees and plead for forgiveness, but he knows has to do this. He can’t back out now.
“What is that supposed to mean? We can’t be together?” Felix sounds angry, and he has every right to be. The confused hurt on his face will never leave Hyunjin’s brain, he will never forgive himself for putting it there.
“I’m sorry.” Hyunjin says, not sure what else to say. There are so many things he could say, but none of them feel good enough for this moment. He should’ve thought more about how to do this, not just about whether to do this. Once he decided, he should’ve thought of what to say, how to explain what he’s feeling. But he didn’t, and now he can’t think clearly because he’s too emotional and tense and it’s triggering him.
“No you’re not. If you were, you wouldn’t let me fall this hard for you, wouldn’t build what we have only to break my heart.” Felix’s voice breaks around the last words, hand coming up to cover his mouth in attempt at keeping the tears at bay. Hyunjin has never seen him this hurt, fighting this hard against his own emotions just to be able to speak.
“Bokkie-” Hyunjin says, cut off by a harsh ‘no’ from Felix. It takes Hyunjin by surprise, the harshness in his voice strange and unfamiliar. Felix has never even been angry at him, not really, truly angry, just playful pretending.
“You’re not allowed to call me that, not anymore.” Felix says, his voice strained and shaking. “Only people who care about me can call me that. And you, Hyunjin, are not one of them.” Hyunjin flinches back at the use of his actual name, Felix always calls him Hyun-ie, never Hyunjin. The last thing Hyunjin expected to come out of this conversation was anger, he doesn’t know how to respond to this.
“At least tell me this, why?” Felix asks. When their eyes meet, there’s immeasurable sadness and hurt in Felix’s eyes, his whole face twisted with it. There are so many reasons, and it feels like none of them are his, they’re all forced on him. And even if he could say them out loud, he doesn’t know where to start.
“We just can’t.” He says, words completely lost on him. He should’ve expected this kind of reaction from Felix, but the choice was so clear in Hyunjin’s head, he kind of forgot that to Felix, this is completely out of the blue. And he isn’t even able to explain properly, what an asshole thing to do to someone you love.
“Just can’t?” Felix scoffs and then there’s a horrible moment where his breath hitches, face crumbling as he starts to cry. A broken sob forces its way out of him and Hyunjin wants to step closer and wrap him in a hug, but when he moves closer, Felix pushes him with all his force, sending him stumbling back on numb legs.
“Don’t touch me!” He yells, breaking off in another sob. He’s openly crying now, face twisted and breathing shaky, almost hiccupping between the sobs. It’s heartbreaking to watch, and to know that he is the cause of that.
“I’m sorry, I don’t have a choice.” Hyunjin tries to explain. His fingers are tingling in that tell-tale way and every part of him is numb, unable to express the emotions raging on inside of him. He can’t do this now, there could not be a worse time.
“There’s always a choice, Hyunjin.” Felix says brokenly, tears running freely down his cheeks. Hyunjin is too numb to cry, just watching Felix break down while knowing there’s nothing he can say or do to comfort him. Even if he could explain, they still can’t be together, there’s just no way to do it without risking everything.
“I never wanted to hurt you, Felix, we just…” Hyunjin tries to explain, cursing at himself for how bad he is with words right now. This is one of the moments in his life it will matter the most what he says, and he can’t even get a simple explanation out, nothing to let Felix in on what he’s thinking.
“We just can’t. Yeah, I got it, thanks.” Felix says sarcastically, a wet laugh devoid of humor leaving him. He turns to the side so his body is angled away from Hyunjin, only allowing Hyunjin to see his side-profile as he cries with a fist over his mouth to attempt to stifle it. There are other people in the park, but they’re far enough away that they won’t know what’s going on. This moment only consists of Hyunjin and Felix.
“I wish I could explain, but I just…” Hyunjin trails off. He’s too emotional, his brain is rebelling against him, literally taking his words away from him with seizure activity. “I can’t.” He desperately wants just one day without this stupid condition; it ruins so much for him, makes everything so much more complicated in a way other people don’t ever have to think about.
“You can’t do this.” Felix says and it sounds like he’s pleading, but he still won’t look at Hyunjin. It’s like he’s shut Hyunjin out, not even wanting to see him, not wanting to look him in the eye when he breaks Felix’s heart once and for all. Hyunjin forces himself to look at Felix, to see his reaction when he takes that final step past the point of no return.
“I have to.” Hyunjin says. He’s angry at his brain for failing him in important moments like this, sure that this would go a lot better if he was able to communicate what he’s thinking.
“Says who?” Felix asks, voice barely above a whisper. He’s bent forward a little, arms crossed over his chest like he’s trying to hold himself together. It would be so easy for Hyunjin to say JYP or their contracts or literally anything other than what comes out of his mouth.
“Me.” He whispers, his vision is blurring as he teeters on the edge of consciousness. It feels like he’s watching himself through a foggy window from a third person point of view, his vision delayed as he sees Felix attempt pull himself together and finally turn to look at Hyunjin.
He points a finger at Hyunjin, trying to be angry when he says, “Fuck you, Hyunjin.” But it just comes out brokenly through another sob. Then he looks away from Hyunjin, turns on his heels and leaves, walking back down the path they came down. His shoulders are shaking as he walks, having no reason to hold back the tears anymore.
Hyunjin looks after him long after he’s disappeared behind trees. He doesn’t know what to so with himself, where to go or what to think. It would be very convenient if he could take a day off from epilepsy, but reality is that he can’t, and the stress and strong emotions of what just happened is threatening to take him down.
Despite how much he wants to just wander around the park all night and cry, he has to prioritize his safety. He doesn’t feel like he deserves being taken care of right now, but he’s terrified of being alone when it hits. He can’t go back to the dorms, Felix needs space, and the guys will surely hate him when they see how broken Felix is, and he tells them what Hyunjin did.
This park is close to his parent’s place, they used to take him here growing up. That’s why he always took Felix here, it’s a place of happy memories. He ruined it; he’ll never be able to come back here now.
He starts walking, hoping he’s going in the right direction. He’s having trouble focusing, feeling like his thoughts are so persistent, he can’t see or hear what’s going on around him. In his clearer moments, all he feels is the heartbreak, all he hears is Felix’s cries, all he sees is the younger’s pain and all he can think about are the words Felix said.
In his less clear moments, he doesn’t even remember how he got to the street corner he’s standing at. It’s terrifying to move in and out of absence seizures when he’s alone, no one here to keep him safe or tell him how much time has passed. If he has a drop attack or god forbid, a tonic-clonic, he could seriously hurt himself. The streets of the city is full of hazards.
Even in his heartbreak he told Hyunjin that he always has a choice, maybe it was out of anger, but it makes Hyunjin think. Was there a different choice that would be better? No, there can’t be, or he wouldn’t have done this. He’s already gone through all the options in his mind over and over, desperately searching for a better solution, but this was the only possible outcome.
All he can do now is hope that Felix will understand. He doesn’t want to lose Felix completely; he still needs him in his life. He should’ve explained better, should’ve told him about his inner conflict before saying they had to break up. It could’ve been a mutual decision, something they decided together. He hates his brain for taking that option away from him when it mattered the most.
He somehow gets to his parent’s apartment building; the same one he grew up in. He fights against the tears as he climbs the stairs, griping the railing like his life depends on it. He’s terrified that he will collapse and have a seizure on the stairs, but he’s too out of it to think of pulling out hi phone and call his mother.
He should never have been left alone in this state, but he brought it on himself. If he had thought that Felix would storm off like that, he would’ve done it somewhere closer to home. It would’ve been much harder to have that conversation at the dorm, but Hyunjin doesn’t have the freedom to choose what he wants when his safety is at stake.
When he reaches the door on the fourth floor, he’s trembling all over, heavy with sadness and teetering on the edge of a complete breakdown. He doesn’t knock or right the doorbell, just opens the door with his key, desperate to get to safety before anything happens. Closing the door behind himself, he leans on it and closes his eyes in relief at not being alone anymore. It’s safe to fall apart here.
“Hyunjin-ah? Is that you?” His mother’s voice sounds from down the hall and a moment later she appears, rushing over to his side. The moment he sees her, he breaks down, sobs tearing out of him. She wraps him in a tight hug, leading them over to the small couch in the living room and sitting them down.
Hyunjin feels like he’s going to puke, pass out or break open. He wouldn’t be surprised if his chest just ripped itself in two, that’s how it feels as his heart changes shape in his chest, trying to adjust to the newfound emptiness there. He can’t even be hurt or angry at anyone, he’s the one who did this.
His mother is just like Felix, she never tells him to calm down when he cries. She too understands that he needs to feel this even if she knows it will end in a seizure. Hyunjin wishes she would tell him to pull himself together and stop crying, this warmth and understanding reminds him too much of the person he just lost.
It’s no surprise to either of them when Hyunjin feels himself slipping, body unable to continue crying and eyes drooping shut as limbs tingle with numbness. He loses all strength in his body, limp in his mother’s arms. In some twisted way, he’s almost relieved, the seizure will give him a break from the agony, even if he will hurt even more after.
. . .
When he comes to, he feels like he’s waking up from a deep sleep, groggy and hazy as he becomes more aware. He’s just aware of his body at first, feeling the ache in his muscles and pain in his chest. Then he hears his mother’s voice, smells the acidic scent of vomit, feels the wet fabric at his crotch. Lastly, he opens his eyes, seeing that he’s on the floor. There’s vomit on the carpet in front of his face, his mother kneeling on the other side of the puddle, her fingers running through his hair.
“Are you with me?” She asks, patiently waiting for him to be ready to move. He will never be ready; the weight in his chest keeps pinning him down long after the seizure leaves, this weight stronger than anything he’s felt before. He still nods, oddly numb but probably just from the utter sadness. He didn’t know it was possible to hurt this much and still breathe. Time still moves, his heart still beats, but Hyunjin’s world has ceased to exist.
“Are you ready to get cleaned up?” She asks then, not doing anything until Hyunjin nods in agreement. She helps him sit up first, holding him tight when his arms fail to support his own weight.
“Eomma.” He cries, gasping in pain as the memories of what happened before the seizure come back to him, hitting him all at once. He clings to her, weak fingers gripping her shirt as the tears return. The utter heartbreak on Felix’s face is glued to the insides of his eyelids, the look on his face when he cried and the sound of his pleas for Hyunjin not to do this is etched into his brain.
“Are you hurt anywhere?” His mother asks, assuming that he hurt himself during the seizure. If only it were that easy, a bruise or broken bone that would heal with some time and patience. This hurt won’t heal, it can’t. It’s all he has left of his and Felix’s love, he can’t lose this too. They never even called it love, that’s the worst part. He never got to tell Felix how much he loves him.
He’s still a little hazy, unable to think clearly, and maybe that’s why he lets himself utter his next words. “I love him, eomma.” He hasn’t come out to his parents yet, they didn’t know anything about his and Felix’s relationship in the four months they were together, but he isn’t scared of her reaction. If she throws him out and disowns him, it will never hurt more than what he already feels.
“Who are you talking about, Hyunjin-ah?” She asks, not mentioning the ‘he’, maybe she doesn’t care. If anyone sees how much pain Hyunjin is in and says that it isn’t real love because it is between two men are lying to themselves. It can’t be possible to love this painfully if it isn’t real.
“Bokkie.” Hyunjin’s voice cracks around the nickname, silent tears slipping down his cheeks. His body is too tired to cry properly. He remembers how hurt Felix looked when Hyunjin called him that nickname after breaking his heart, like it was offensive of him to use it.
“I love him, but we broke up.” Hyunjin says the words out loud, making them so much more real. She doesn’t say anything, just helps Hyunjin stand up and guides him into the bathroom. Just like she did when Kkomi died when he was a teenager, she runs him a hot bath with extra bubbles, staying by his side as he sits in the tub, staring blankly at the wall and trying to process the loss.
“Were you talking about Felix?” She asks after a while. Hyunjin’s heart clenches at his name, the other’s smile flashing across his mind. Hyunjin took that away, he is the reason why Felix stopped smiling.
“Felix…” He says, pain ripping through his chest. “Felix, Felix, Felix.” He repeats over and over, hoping it will feel less painful, but it doesn’t. It hurts worse each time, like a knife stabbing deeper and deeper. The pain almost feels good because it’s exactly what Hyunjin deserves.
“I don’t like this Felix.” His mother says, and he blinks up at her, confused at the statement. She always loved Felix, asked for him every time Hyunjin would visit alone. “Anyone who breaks my boy’s heart is undeserving of his love.”
Hyunjin panics, he can’t let Felix take the fall for something he did. The truth is that anyone who breaks Felix’s heart is undeserving of Felix’s love. “He didn’t break my heart.” Hyunjin says, voice surprisingly steady. “I broke his.”