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Standing against the kitchen counter, Carmelo ran his hands through his hair, once again mentally cursing himself for being so horrifically stupid. Thoughts buzzed through his head as he let out a sigh and opened the cup cabinet. After pulling out what he hoped to be his nicest cup, he placed it on the counter. “What was I even thinking?,” He whispered to himself, “Rudy deserves so much more than this. What if I just fuck it up again? Oh god, I was not prepared for this tonight.”
Then the memory of their first meeting resurfaced, making Carmelo cringe at his own past actions. It was hard to think about. He hadn’t meant to react so harshly.
Deciding to dwell on it more later, he moved on and grabbed the water pitcher before pouring it into the glass. He put the pitcher back in the fridge and brought the glass into the living room.
“Uh. Hey.” Was all he could muster.
Rudy was laying on the couch, wrapped in the blanket that Carmelo had given him. Without looking up, he responded, “Hi.”
Carmelo awkwardly placed the glass on the coffee table as he spoke, “So um… How are you doing now?”
“Do you remember when you talked to me in the hallway at school? When you said you didn’t want me to die the first time,” Rudy started, “You didn’t finish. Why don’t you want me to die? I thought you hated me…” Hoisting himself on a nearby table, Carmelo gripped the edge harshly, “Because… Because I care.”
Rudy shook his head, hurt laced in his tone, “But why? Why do you care now and not when it mattered? You don’t know how bad I needed someone, Carmelo… We could have been friends. I hoped we could.”
“I-It’s complicated, okay? I don’t even know myself.” Carmelo spoke weakly.
Clutching onto the blanket wrapped around him, tears threatened to spill from Rudy’s eyes. “I was hurting so bad. I needed you. I thought you would help me. I thought I could start over with someone. I thought you would… Someone, anyone, help me…,” Rudy started shaking, the tears now rolling down his cheeks, “Please… Please help me… I’m so scared…”
Carmelo wanted to reach out, but hesitated. A jingle came from his phone, alerting him of a phone call. He swore at his phone underneath his breath. He wondered if it was Francis finally calling him back as he got up from the table.
“Hey, man- D-Don’t cry, okay? Uh- Deep breaths, okay? I gotta answer a call so I’ll be right back,” Carmelo said as he started to round the corner and out of the room, “Just hang tight!” Rudy just nodded slightly, curling into himself more.
Looking at his phone, Carmelo was disappointed to see that it was not in fact Francis, but the disappointment soon faded as he saw that it was his mom. Answering the call, he put the phone to his ear and spoke in Italian, “Hi, Mom. Are you on your way home?”
His mom sounded cheery as she responded, “Hello, baby! Soon! I ran into a friend! Are you home yet? It’s late.”
“Just got home. Dad’s still out on patrol I guess,” He said, and his mom gave a little chuckle. “He’ll be out late. It’s Halloween, kids are naughty. There are leftovers in the fridge if you’re hungry. Oh!-,” She suddenly remembered what she called for, now speaking in English as she added, “Remember those cookies you made for the fundraiser this past Spring? Mrs. Londi was wondering if you could make those again for her coworkers? She said she’d be willing to pay you!”
Carmelo rolled his eyes and grumbled, “Mom! I told you not to tell anyone! You were going to take credit for them, weren’t you??”
“I’m sorry! I didn’t tell anyone,” She lied, “Just Mrs. Londi. And everyone in my women’s circle. But you’d get paid! It’ll be like your own little bakery!” Sighing, Carmelo gave in, a look of embarrassment on his face, “Fine! Fine. Just stop telling people. The guys are going to think I’m gay or something.”
“Can I help wanting my talented boy to be famous?” Her smile was audible through the call.
“I’d rather be famous for literally anything else.” Carmelo groaned.
His mom giggled, “Aww. I have to go, but just checking up on you! I love you, my gem!” Carmelo pulled the phone from his ear as he responded, “Love you too,” and hung up the phone call. He re-entered the living room, scratching the back of his neck.
“Sorry, that was my mom-,” He started before noticing Rudy was asleep on the couch, curled up in the blanket he was given. Carmelo looked around nervously before walking to the couch and sitting down on the ground. Looking at the soft boy next to him, he studied his features tentatively. Letting his thoughts get the better of him, he reached out and held Rudy’s hand. It was warm and comforting.
He couldn’t explain why, but he suddenly remembered what Tobias had told him. Letting go of Rudy’s hand, he hesitantly moved his hand a bit to the left and pushed down some of the sleeve.
He took in a sharp intake of breath at what he saw before bringing his hand to his mouth and gagging. It was horrid. It was unsightly. It was what Carmelo had done to him. And he hated every moment of it.
As if to check if it was real, Carmelo reached out and lightly brushed his fingertips across the scattered red cuts that wrapped around the other’s arm. The sensation made a chill go throughout his body.
He couldn’t take it. He pushed back up the sleeve and quickly left, going outside through the side door and shutting the door behind him.
Now safely outside, he leaned against the side of his house. He dry heaved and held his stomach, unable to mentally grasp what he just saw. He then balled his hands into fists and angrily punched the air. “Fuck! Fuck,” he yelled to himself, “I’m so fucking stupid!” Hands still clenched, he panted before sliding down the wall and sitting on the concrete of the porch.
He continued to repeat the word ‘stupid’ to himself as he tried to process his thoughts. He wanted to ask why, but he already knew the answer. He wanted to go back in time and punch himself, anything to stop his old self from messing up so badly. He never wanted to hurt Rudy like that, but he knew that wasn’t an excuse for his actions.
Upon hearing the door knob twist and the hinge squeak with movement, he jumped and turned his head in surprise. It was Rudy.
“H-Hey Rudy! How was your nap?-”
“I wasn’t asleep.” The other responded blankly.
Carmelo’s eyes widened and he realised exactly how fucked he was, “I- Uh, haha, what do you mean?”
Rudy sat down next to Carmelo as he spoke, “You know exactly what I mean. Why did you do that? Why does it matter so much to you? One moment you’re telling me to go die and the next you’re backtracking your words. What is the point, Carmelo?” His voice sounded strained and forced, and his face was still red and blotchy from the earlier crying.
The blue haired boy stared in shock at the other whilst trying to come up with an answer. Tears welled up in his eyes as he knew he couldn’t run away from his problems this time.
“I am so sorry, Rudy. For everything. None of it is your fault, and it is extremely unfair of me to take it out on you. I know that. And you deserve to know why. It’s just, it’s hard to say. But I can try to explain,” Carmelo let out a sigh and wiped the tears from his eyes with the palm of his hand.
“When I first met you, I liked you. And when I found out you were a boy, it brought back bad memories. Memories of when I was a kid and had a crush on this guy. He liked me back, and we thought nothing of it until someone found out. My dad was livid, to say the least. He yelled at me about things like ‘It’s unholy’ and that he ‘didn’t want a gay son’. I was scared. So I started being mean to the boy, hoping he would hate me instead of having to deal with leaving him. He eventually left and I haven’t seen him since. Gregory didn’t deserve that.”
“When I realised I had liked another boy, I panicked. I didn’t want the same thing to happen again. So I did the only thing I knew. I tried to get you to hate me. I guess it worked.”
Carmelo rested his face in his hands, too embarrassed to look at Rudy.
Rudy was at a loss for words. He took a moment to process before asking, “You like me?”
“Yes, no- I don’t know. I’d have to think about it some more. But I do know that you matter to me. And that–your arm–it’s… it’s scary. I don’t want to think about the possibility of you being gone. And- And I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. The way that I have been acting has been completely uncalled for. I’ll be better from now on, I promise.”
He finally looked up to Rudy, who had a soft smile on his face. The ginger then brought Carmelo into a hug, “I think it’ll take a while until I can completely forgive you, but I will try.”
Carmelo let out a breath that he didn’t know he was holding and hugged him back, lightly gripping the fabric of Rudy’s shirt as he cried into his shoulder.
Rudy gently rubbed Carmelo's back, tears of relief starting to fall from his eyes as well. He was finally free. He didn't have to be afraid anymore. Something good had finally happened to him and it felt amazing.
They sat in each other's embrace as they both cried, only finally pulling away from each other when they had calmed down. The blue haired boy wiped his eyes before speaking, “I don’t know what to say other than just I’m sorry.”
“It’ll be okay,” Rudy started before gasping, his eyes widening, “Oh, fuck! I forgot about Adam!” A look of confusion spread across Carmelo’s face, and Rudy quickly followed up with, “He’s my younger brother, I was supposed to be watching him but he ran away, the twerp.”
Carmelo’s expression immediately fell as he remembered the kid he saw earlier that night, shivering as he did so. “The tiny kid that looks like you? I saw him, he said something about going to a place where you won’t be able to find him.” Groaning, Rudy stood up, “That means he’s not in the woods, damn it. I have to go look for him.”
Quickly standing up as well, Carmelo rushed for the right words to say, “So you’re leaving? Do you need anything before you go?” Rudy nodded, “Yeah, and I’m fine. Can I return the clothes to you on Monday?”
“Sure! Would you- Do you want some help finding him or..?-,” Carmelo stumbled out his words. The ginger shook his head and stepped off of the concrete porch, “I’ve got it, thanks for the offer. I’ll see you at school.”
He then waved goodbye and walked to the fence, closing the gate behind him as he left. He was gone as soon as he came.
Carmelo stood there for a moment, processing what had just happened. He had selfishly wanted their conversation to last forever, forgetting that time still moved no matter how much he wished it wouldn’t. He felt lighter now, though, as he had gotten what he wanted to off of his chest.
Sighing, he smiled slightly to himself as he turned the knob of the side porch door and re-entered his home.