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There are times when Steve doesn't know what to do with his feelings. There's so many of them, pooling inside of his chest, he's scared they'll spill out of his mouth. He's scared they'll fall to his feet, out for everyone to see.
He feels so hard, so fiercely, it scares him a little, sometimes.
He feels it when he's with his friends, his own little group of freaks that chose to accept him as one of their own. He loves all of them, keeps them close to his heart. He cares about them so, so deeply. He'd die for them, no question asked.
He feels it with Robin, watching her rant about this or that. He's filled with his affection for her, and he knows no one would get it. Knows she feels it too. It's a form of love so pure and genuine, he wonders if he's found his soulmate. Maybe not his romantic one, sure, but definitely another part of his own soul.
He starts to feel it with Eddie, after they manage to drag him out of the Upside Down, beaten and bleeding. He feels it in the grip on his heart, squeezing his lungs; he feels it in the cold liquid fear in his blood, when he has to personally carry him inside the hospital. When he has to watch him, sickly pale and bloody, go under surgery. The fear never letting up
He feels it all the way through his recovery, until he's strong enough to stay awake for more than five minutes.
He feels it, more than ever, when he offers to let Eddie stay with him, when he's overstayed his welcome in the hospital bed.
When he has to take care of him, tender and careful. When it doesn't feel like a chore, but something he'd do any day. Thinks maybe Eddie would do it for him, too.
And there's always a spark, deep in Eddie's eyes. They're always looking at him with that calculating, smart glint in them; make him feel like a restless animal behind a glass. They're on him, all the time, watching and reading and analyzing his every move. He's scared he'll drown in them, if he's not careful enough; he'll get lost in this boy's eyes, never to be found again. The thought doesn't scare him as much as it should.
They make his skin tingle, but he'd take that over the numb, empty stare any day.
And once Eddie can finally walk on his own, without needing Steve's help even just to stand up, he feels it in the relief that floods his veins. He can't help but smile, feeling a little proud and a lot fond, watching Eddie walk to his backyard.
He's never too far behind, hovering a few steps next to him, with his hands outstretched. Just in case.
When Eddie plops down on the grass, he goes to sit next to him. Crosses his legs without saying a word, scared that the feeling will spill out without his permission.
He had tied Eddie's hair, earlier that afternoon, in a loose braid that rests on the back of his neck. There's a few dark curls that escaped it, and now hang loosely around his face. The braid looks downright terrible, but Eddie kept it anyways. It makes Steve's heart beat a little faster.
Eddie looks healthier now, his cheeks rosy and full, his expression relaxed. There's no tension in his shoulders, he's only fiddling with one of his rings, but that's just Eddie. He always has his hands busy, always buzzing with a restless energy, so it doesn't mean anything bad. For now.
«Keep staring and you'll dig a hole in my face, Stevie.»
Steve startles at that, tearing his gaze away too quickly to seem unbothered. There's a warm flush spreading over the back of his neck, the top of his ears burning with shame.
«I wasn't staring.» he mumbles, knowing it's not true.
Eddie snorts a laugh, the sound making Steve's stomach knot into itself, and lightly rests a warm hand on Steve's head.
«Sure you weren't.» he says, ruffling his hair.
Normally, Steve would slap his hand away, but the point of contact makes him feel fuzzy all over, so he just groans loudly, making a show of rolling his eyes. For good measure.
Eddie takes his hand away, then, and lays on his back. One of his ringed hands rests on his own stomach, his shirt riding up a little to show a silver of scarred skin. To keep himself from staring - again - and getting caught, - again - Steve lays next to him.
He looks up at the sky, not quite dark enough to show stars, but not bright enough to shine any light on them.
«I'm tired,» Eddie grumbles, and Steve can tell he's pouting without having to turn his head, «your stairs are evil, man. What even is the point of having more than one floor? Stairs are everyone's enemy.»
Steve can't stop a small, amused smile from stretching on his lips, but tries to hold it back by biting his lower lip.
«Not everyone's, you're just lazy,» and he knows that's not it, knows Eddie is recovering from quite literary dying, but that won't stop him from poking fun at the older, «I'm a jock, remember? Love stairs.»
Eddie barks a laugh at that, a wild grin on his face. It makes Steve feel warm all over, knowing that he's the cause of that happiness.
«Of course you fucking do, how could I forget! Steve Harrington, King of Hawkins and lover of stairs.» he adds a flair to his words, puffing up his chest a little as he says them.
Steve shoves his shoulder as best as he can while laying down, a huff of laughter escaping his lips. He mutters "idiot" under his breath, not even trying to put any heat behind it.
He can see Eddie is smiling too, from the corner of his eyes, and his heart does a little trick again. It fills up to the brim with affection, and beats so loudly he's scared Eddie will hear it too.
It's these moments that really make him feel that feeling, like he might burst with emotion. Doing nothing with Eddie, teasing each other and knowing they don't mean any word. Feeling like it's always been like this, even if it took them the world almost ending to become friends. Best friends, at this point, even though Robin would protest if she heard him.
Having Eddie at his side, happy and safe, makes him feel giddy. It feels right, in every way it could.
«Sweetheart, I can hear you thinking from here. Don't hurt yourself.»
And God, the pet names. The fucking pet names will be the end of him, if something from the Upside Down doesn't get to him first.
«Very funny, Munson.» he adds the surname for good measure, making sure Eddie hears if, just to fuck with him a bit. He knows this is his way of caring, of letting him know he's not alone, and it makes his heart warm a bit.
«Worrying about something in that pretty little head of yours?» Eddie turns towards him as he talks, a little smirk on his lips, but concern tugging at his eyes. «Or were you just thinking about me?»
If Steve didn't know that wasn't the case, he'd almost think the demobats gave Eddie some sort of power, to let him read other people's minds. He snorts at the thought, but still feels a little scared at the possibility of Eddie being able to hear what he thinks. Because wouldn't that be just the cherry on top of his ridiculous life?
«Sure, I have absolutely nothing better to think about than you, my dear.» he makes it sound like a joke, like he wasn't actually thinking about just how much he loves Eddie. He adds the term of endearment just to see the pretty flush that rises to the top of Eddie's cheekbones. Or the way he drags a strand of his hair in front of his mouth, to hide the smile there.
Eddie takes a second to reply, looking just about as pleased as Steve feels. «Flattery will get you anywhere, Stevie.» is what he settles on.
Steve hums back, allowing himself a few seconds to stare at Eddie's flushed face before turning his gaze back at the sky. It's getting darker and darker, a few stars twinkling above their heads now.
Steve hadn't really ever known much about stars, but that, too, was a thing that changed when Eddie turned his life upside down - excuse the pun. He knows so much about them, whole constellations, and space in general, it always leaves Steve a little breathless to think about. How anyone could be so passionate about so many things. How could he know so much about something, and be always willing to share.
After the first few nights locked inside his guest room, Eddie had pratically begged Steve to help him get up and get to the closest window. They had sat there for hours, Eddie talking and talking about this star and that myth, and Steve never getting bored.
And wasn't that a first. He always cared about what his friends liked, always listened to them. But this was the first time he was actually, fully interested in what someone had to say, about something he knew so little about. The way Eddie had talked, with his whole body, eyes full of life, it had made Steve want to hold him close. Made him want to put him in a bubble, and never let anyone ever hurt him. Because how could anyone look at him, with his kindness and love for the world, and feel anything but love?
Thinking back to it now, that he knows the extent of his embarrassingly big crush, he realizes that was probably when it started. If at first it had only been his instinct to take care of people, that first night was when he had started falling in love with one Eddie Munson.
To startle him out of his thoughts, is Eddie's voice, quietly humming under his breath. Steve immediately recognizes the song as one that he himself had made Eddie listen to, and another wave of affection makes his heart do a little flip.
He doesn't say anything, lost in his thoughts and the feeling of Eddie next to him, warm and safe and alive. He's a little scared of what will come out of his mouth if he doesn't stop this train of thought, so he just raises his hand and points at a bright star right above their heads.
«That's one of the ones you told me about, right?» he feels a little unsure, not wanting to seem stupid in front of Eddie, «Uh...Serious?»
Eddie chuckles at that, the sound making a rush of happiness go through Steve's body. He sounds a little surprised, too.
«It's Sirius, but yeah, it's that one.» he hesitates, then, like he isn't quite sure where to go from there, «And to be honest, I didn't think you were actually listening to me when I told you about it, Stevie.»
And that makes Steve frown, brows drawn low over his eyes, because how couldn't he be? When Eddie looked so excited to tell him, the least he could do was listen.
«Of course I was,» he sounds almost offended, «I can't remember most of it, because it's hard stuff, but I was listening.»
Eddie inhales sharply next to him, the sound loud in the quiet of the night. He brings am arm to cover his eyes, but even without seeing them, Steve can see the disbelief in his smile.
«God, you're just perfect in everything, aren't you?» he mutters lowly, mostly to himself, like he's not expecting Steve to hear him.
Steve looks even more confused, now, eyes searching what little he can see of Eddie's face.
«What?»
«You know, I already told you this, but I really thought you were an asshole, Harrington,» Eddie says, instead of actually replying, «I thought "Oh, yeah, he's pretty, but that's about it. He's an asshole, get over him".»
Steve doesn't get any less confused at that, but watches in silence as Eddie removes his arm from his face. His eyes are not meeting Steve's, looking far away, up in the sky.
«And then, you go and shatter all my expectations.» he sounds a bit exasperated, and Steve wonders if he's thought about this a lot, «So not only are you hot, you're a nice guy. The nicest I know, actually. You take care of the kids, of Robin, of Nancy, even if she doesn't need it. You took care of me, when you barely even knew me at all.»
Steve opens his mouth to interrupt, a protest ready on his tongue, but Eddie keeps talking.
«And you get absolutely nothing out of it, too. You do it just because you want to, just because you care, just because you're good like that» Eddie turns to him, and maybe his eyes look a little watery, «you cook for me, you give me your clothes, you help me with my nightmares» he looks almost delirious now, like he can't quite believe what he's saying, «you remembered my fucking rant about stars, Steve, how is a guy supposed to feel?»
Eddie then brings the heels of his hands up to his eyes, rubbing at them hard.
Steve feels speechless, opening and closing his mouth a couple times around words he's not sure of.
«And of course you're straight,» Eddie's smile looks a little self-deprecating now, void of any actual happiness «of course you are.»
«But I'm not.»
Steve feels as surprised as Eddie looks, when the words leave his mouth. He hadn't meant to say that, but when he had tried to say something, his own tongue had betrayed him.
He clears his throat, not wanting to back down now that he's said it, but doesn't actually know what else to say.
«You're not?» Eddie says, confusion clear on his features, «since when?»
«Uh...» Steve looks down at his fingers, pretending to count, then looks back up at the other boy, «how long have you been here?»
A surprised laugh escapes Eddie's lips, his eyes crinkling at the sides. His dimple show up at the sides of his smile, and Steve wants nothing more than to kiss him breathless.
«You're ridiculous, Steve Harrington, and I hate you so much,» he doesn't look like he means it at all, smile still stretching his lips, «what does that even mean?»
«It means that, if I'm not reading this situation completely wrong,» Steve replies, propping himself up on an elbow to look down at Eddie, a matching smile on his own face, «I like you too, like, an embarassing amount.»
Steve's stomach has tied itself into a big knot, and his mouth and throat are so dry that swallowing feels like sandpaper. His heart is almost beating out of his chest.
He half expects a rejection, for Eddie to say he's completely wrong, that he really does hate him. That he's bullshit.
But that never comes. Instead, Eddie reaches up, tangling his hands in the short hair at the back of his neck, and pulls Steve down. He crashes their lips together, and God, Steve has wanted this so much. It feels like he's breathing again, after spending weeks underwater.
He never believed in all the fireworks, chorus of angels bullshit, but kissing Eddie feels like that. His blood is rushing in his ears, and it's so loud he can't hear anything else.
He can feel more than see Eddie smiling against his lips, and it's just about the best thing he's ever felt. He thinks his chest will open up, with how full of adoration it is.
He never wants the moment to end, and chases after Eddie's lips after he breaks the kiss to breathe.
He'd be content never breathing again, if it meant kissing Eddie all the time.
«Slow down, Lover boy. Not all of us were in the swim team.» Eddie chuckles to himself, Steve following suit. He feels high on the feeling, on the sound of Eddie's laughter.
«I'm sure that the weed and the cigarettes don't really help with that, hm?»
«Didn't see you complaining about getting free weed, did I?»
They both giggle again, and Steve feels like a little kid again. There's so much joy filling his heart, the kind he's scared of, he doesn't know what to do with it. He feels so much for Eddie, he doesn't know what to do with himself.
He lowers himself again, to press a soft kiss to the side of Eddie's lips, and watches the smile grow on his face.
Steve thinks, not for the first time, that he would do anything to protect him from danger. To protect him from this town, which doesn't understand him. From its people, that hate a version of him they had made up, and that is so far away from the true, gentle Eddie he knows, it makes him a little nauseous to think about.
I love you.
The thought comes to him suddenly him, but he knows it's true, deep in his chest. Steve looks at the boy underneath him, and knows he'd do anything for him.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
He thinks it when they get up, eventually. While he helps Eddie up the stairs, to his own bedroom door. While he watches Eddie change into Steve's clothes, crawl into his bed. While he goes to lay next to him, their arms and legs tangled together.
He thinks it when Eddie's head lays on his chest, with his arm wrapped around Steve's waist. His own arms are tight around him, keeping him close.
I love you.
He kisses to top of Eddie's head, strokes his back with one of his hands, and knows he'll say it to him soon. Knows it won't change, the feeling in his heart, in the pit of his stomach. He thinks about it when he closes him eyes, lulled to sleep by the soft and steady breathing of the man next to him.
He doesn't feel alone, now, maybe for the first time in his life. And isn't that such a lovely thought?