Work Text:
TO PHILZA MINECRAFT (only man ever),
HELLO !! I know what you might be thinking. “Despite how great I am, I am not as great as Tommy Innit – what could I have done to deserve a letter from someone as huge and massive?”
SHORT ANSWER: PITY. LONG ANSWER:
I know Wilbur had been sending you letters when we were busy being, y’know, HUGE in our country L’manburg (named by yours truly despite whatever bullshit Wilbur spews) but I realized he hadn’t sent one in AGES. Now I know how sensitive you can be to loneliness, (we do really need to see a psychologist about this whole WIFE thing, Phil) so I thought I, as merciful and amazing as I am, would send you a letter instead. AND HERE IT IS!
There’s so much to talk about really. I don’t know when exactly Wilbur’s last letter was, but we moved out of L’Manburg. They got all CRINGE and elected Jschlatt as their leader, real wrong ‘un that one, and he had some big dramatic speech about kicking us out, like a huge dickhead. So now we live in this ravine, which has been given the VERY COOL name of Pogtopia, again by yours truly (I am the best at names, as you must already know)
It’s pretty cramped. But a huge man like me Does Not Give A Fuck.
Can you come visit soon? Wilbur always says you’re busy, but Technoblade’s here now and HE’S “always busy” too!
TECHNOBLADE! You probably know already, since you guys are “BEST FRIENDS”, but he’s here! He’s been doing farming shit in Pogtopia. Which is nice, we don’t have to do rations or whatever the fuck, but if I have to eat one more potato I might lose my fucking shit.
But it's cool that he’s been around :D SO WHERE ARE YOU, BITCH?
And don’t give me shit about ohh mimimi I have my hardcore shit ohh it’ll take me ages to fly over there ohh mate mate waahh FUCK YOU!!
I’ll give you a tour of the SMP! It’ll be super poggers and all your fuckin birds can come too. You can even come see Wilbur, though I don’t know WHY you’d WANT to since he’s a Huge Bitch, and he’s been all broody and weird recently. (Different broody from your dumb bird shit. He’s being Cringe)
Actually, it could be your bird shit broody? I haven’t asked. Fundy went and sided with Schlatt, so maybe he does want eggs? I don’t think I want to ask.
(If he didn’t tell you about Fundy, I AM NOT SAYING SHIT. Ask him yourself (when you get here (which you should totally do (soon))))
I’m running out of space on this paper, and we don’t have much, so we can continue this IN PERSON.
Best Ever, Most Pog, Biggest Man, Tommy Innit.
