Archive of Our Own

It's only in the privacy of his own bedroom that Gakuhou can admit to himself that he hates his brother. 

The thought seems like such an incomprehensible truth that he almost wishes he felt guilty over it. How can anyone with a heart say with such vindication that they hated their only family member like this? Worse still that Gakuhou raised him.

It seems almost more terrible that nobody Gakuhou knows hates Gakushuu. Everyone loves the kid. Fawns over him like he's the next up-and-coming main character of their lives with the sun shining out of his stuck-up asshole. Like they're blind to how annoying or clingy or bratty he secretly is under that golden-boy exterior.

Gakuhou wishes he could think otherwise. He’s a terrible brother. He hates that he hates him. 

He’ll never tell Gakushuu, though. He has the awareness to recognize that the kid doesn’t deserve it.

His bedroom door raps. Gakuhou stifles a groan. "What?"

"Gakuhou?"

Great.

Gakuhou shuts his eyes. There's a pause, then more insistent knocking. Kid can't take a hint.

"Gakuhou? Are you awake? Did you fall asle-"

"I said, 'what'?" Gakuhou snaps.

The door opens. "Can I come in?"

Gakuhou rolls his eyes. "Well, you're already in."

Gakushuu makes a face with him, his eyebrows drawn together, nose scrunched up like he's the one being inconvenienced. Gakuhou's not the one breaking down his door in the middle of the night.

"I need you to sign my permission slip for a field trip."

Ugh. "Don't you usually get Mariko to do it?"

Gakushuu frowns. "She's not in." 

"Then ask her when she's in." 

"...Why can't you do it?"

"Because schools don't like that sort of thing," Gakuhou drawls. "If you bring them a different signature all the time, they're gonna think you're lying and forging them. Do you wanna get in trouble?"

Kid's eyes are wide. "No."

"Mhm. So go bother Mariko. Or- hey, better yet, forge her signature."

"...no, it's okay," Gakushuu says. His lips are curled, eyes narrowed at Gakuhou.

Gakuhou rolls his eyes, again. His holier-than-thou little brother judging him. "Fuck off, then."

Gakushuu makes a face at him. Fingers crinkling around that stupid permission slip.

"...What kinda field trip is it anyways?" 

"To a natural history museum."

"Ugh, lame." Gakuhou doesn't actually think it's lame. He likes natural history. He's not going to admit to the little brat that he likes the same thing he does, though. He's already stuck to Gakuhou's heels like glue, the last thing he needs is more ammunition. In response Gakushuu only scowls at him and slams the door on his way out, rattling the hinges.

…The Natural History Museum. Not that Gakuhou was interested in going.

It must be a cushy life in whatever fancy middle school Gakushuu got that scholarship to go to. The kind of prestigious establishment that only pretentious little dickheads get to go to to flaunt their wealth - which means Gakushuu fits right in. He's pretty sure Gakushuu gets a higher allowance than him anyways even if Kun and Mariko will deny it.

Although sometimes he wonders if Gakushuu's gotten any flack for not being obviously wealthy. He doesn't think so, from the little snippets of interactions he's seen Gakushuu have with his friends on the scant few times Gakuhou's needed to pick him up. They're all laughing around him, roughhousing like kids do. 

Gakuhou wonders if Gakushuu’s told anyone that he’s in foster care. It’s not something Gakuhou advertises to his own class - not like he talks to them normally, anyways. But would Gakushuu let his friends know? Was a soppy backstory the type of thing that earned middle school kids street credit? 

Gakuhou is partially sure it’s one of the reasons he got the scholarship. Not that he doesn’t think Gakushuu is smart enough for it - if anything, that’s the one reason the kid deserves all the attention he’s getting. When you’re twelve and stupid, academic achievement is pretty much the one marker that gets you merit in life because there's nothing else quite as prevalant.

Not that Gakuhou is much older, really. He’s aware he’s being a little hypocritical considering he’s also technically one of those straight-As students he always rolls his eyes at. 

But it doesn’t matter anyways. He’s never going to get valedictorian because he never hands in any of his homework (does it do any harm? He still scores the highest when it matters) and Reiko had told his counsellor that he sent a couple of people to the hospital. There might be a news article or two floating around somewhere, even if his identity is redacted.

He has better things to worry about than shitty grades anyways. Things like what he’s going to have to do when he graduates and Reiko finally signs his release forms, and whether he’s going to have to go to college because you can't get a good job without it or whatever, and trying to talk the stupid kid out of following wherever he goes.

High school is just one mundane day after another full of things that Gakuhou already knows, if not picks up on it quickly. 

“I don’t suppose you’ve done your essay?” his class president Awase says, his good-natured tone almost disguising the undercurrent of irritation in his voice, and half the class titters along with him. Gakuhou rolls his eyes. 

“No.”

Awase smiles at him, eyes narrowed a smidge. “Of course,” he says placatingly, the model of a student. Of course Gakuhou’s in trouble again. 

Ironically enough, the only time that Gakuhou thinks he may not actually hate Gakushuu is when they’re in Gakushuu’s bedroom. Gakuhou’s sprawled on the bed, legs shoved into the bundle of little plush toys that Gakushuu keeps conning people into buying for his stupid-cute little face. Gakushuu’s at his desk, brow furrowed in a little scrunch.

There it is, their near-daily sibling bonding activity. Gakuhou helping Gakushuu with his homework.

Not that Gakushuu has properly needed his help in a long time. Times like this, Gakuhou can admit - to himself, in the recesses of his heart - that he’s actually proud of the little bugger. Kid got himself a scholarship to a cushy private school that Gakuhou could only dream of when he was his age. Now he’s got the best tutors and pale-faced, smartass friends and occassionally he brings back his report card with a beam on his face. First place is a good look on him. Second place… well, there’s always room for improvement.

Gakuhou kicks the pyramid lightly, sending a few toys spilling over the edge of Gakushuu’s bed. Gakushuu looks up at the noise, but turns back down to his work.

“You don’t actually need my help, do you?” Gakuhou drawls. Kid’s just clingy.

“I- no, I do!” Gakushuu says. “Question, um, question twenty eight.”

Gakuhou gestures vaguely in his direction, not bothering to get up. Gakushuu passes his worksheet over, paper crinkling at the edges. Gakuhou’s thumb smooths it out unconsciously.

“You little brat, this question is so easy I know you can do it in your sleep.”

“Maybe I can’t,” Gakushuu says. “Just- will you explain it to me?”

“Maybe I’ve got my own homework to do.” He technically does. There’s a pile of missed deadlines and another stack of upcoming ones stashed away in the bottom of his drawer somewhere.

Gakushuu stares at him, disbelief etched on his face. “You never do your homework.”

“Change of heart, I’m starting now.”

“Gakuhou!” Gakushuu says. 

“Fuckin- fine, fine. Twenty eight, right?” Gakuhou passes the paper back. He’s memorised the question already. “It’s just- inequalities. You know how to do inequalities. What does the arrow to the right of 4x mean?”

“Greater than.”

“Mhm. The other one?”

“Lesser than or equal to.”

“Yep. Balance the equation. You know what to do.”

The silence is replaced by the scritch-scritch of Gakushuu’s pencil. Gakuhou cracks open an eye to see the kid swinging his legs against the back of his table, lightly thumping the wood. Maybe Gakuhou will get him a fidget spinner. Kids like those, right? 

The pencil scratch stops. Gakuhou glances over. “Done?”

“Mm. Will- will you check it?”

Gakuhou sighs. “You’ve done it right.”

“How will you know?” Gakushuu says, sounding indignant. Like Math is the one thing Gakuhou shouldn’t trust him with, like he hadn’t scored almost-full marks for the past few examinations in a row. “Just check it.” He flaps the paper in front of Gakuhou.

“Fine, fine.”

"Gakuhou! Gakuhou!" Gakushuu knocks and then immediately ignores the purposes of knocking by barrelling into his room anyways. Two seconds of blissful solitude and then Gakuhou has an armful of little brother. "I'm back!"

"Wha-?" Gakuhou blinks sleep out of his eyes. Where did he- right, the field trip. "The Nat Hist Museum."

"Mhm," Gakushuu nods frantically. "I got'chu something." He presses something small and cold into the palm of Gakuhou's hands until his fingers curl around it, and Gakuhou slowly extricates himself from his sheets and stares at the object.

A little dinosaur keychain.

"Heh," Gakuhou says. "You liked it?"

"Mhm!" Gakushuu nods. "We can go there together next time!" 

Gakuhou snorts. Naive. "With what money?"

Gakushuu frowns at him. "It's free?"

"For you, maybe, little scholarship baby. Plebeians like me gotta pay. And you're going to have to pay too if it's not a school trip." Gakuhou thinks he's gone on a museum trip with his class before as a middle schooler. Probably. He had to fork out a pretty penny from his savings so he didn't get left behind, which was stupid. If the trip was mandatory it should've been paid for in school fees.

"...Oh," Gakushuu says. 

"How much did this cost anyways?" Gakuhou says, waving the keychain.

Gakushuu averts his eyes and snuffles into Gakuhou's blanket. 

"Hey. Brat."

"Um." Gakushuu says. "Not telling."

“Uh huh,” Gakuhou says. He turns the little jingly thing around in his hands. “You left the price tag on, idiot.” Gakushuu pales, and makes a wild grab, but Gakuhou just pushes his palm to the kid’s face. “800 yen? Are you insane?”

Gakushuu flushes. “Kun and Mariko gave me some money! They said I could get whatever I wanted!”

“Here’s a tip: save some.”

“I do!” Gakushuu says. He balls up his little hands into fists and slams them down on Gakuhou’s arm. “You’re so mean!” 

“Your form’s wrong,” Gakuhou says. “When you punch, don’t tuck your thumbs inward or you’ll break them.”

“Ugh!” Gakushuu says, and runs out of the room. Kids.

The keychain goes on his school bag like a little reminder of the luxuries of splurging on kitschy little souvenirs in museum gift shops. Maybe that'd be an attainable reality when he's working again, but for now he has to pick through his pockets.

Mariko and Kun hadn’t wanted him to go back to work. They said he needed to focus on his studies, which was a fat load of bullshit if you asked Gakuhou, since he was obviously doing fine with his previous job and still getting As. But they agreed to foster only if Gakuhou quit his job, and they’re - frankly - the sickeningly nicest pair of play-pretend parents they’ve gotten so far, so Gakuhou tries to live with them. 

For one, Gakushuu likes them, which is an achievement in itself. And they’re polite to an awkwardly formal degree even in their own house, which is a little weird in Gakuhou’s opinion but leagues better than the couple who tried to jump straight to knowing Gakushuu a bit too intimately. That was the first time Gakuhou had gotten the cops called on him after breaking the wife’s jaw in three places. It hadn’t looked good on his record when the police broke the door down to him trying to put a knife into a man’s kidney, and he's pretty sure the only reason he didn't get convicted was because of Gakushuu screaming bloody murder. Still, it didn't help their subsequent chances of Reiko finding them another place even if Gakuhou thinks it's fucking stupid that it should be a concern at all. But good riddance to them, because the type of people worried that Gakuhou might attack them for trying to touch Gakushuu are the type of people Gakuhou doesn't want around anyways.

He'd think that's the last straw that made Gakuhou want to quit doing part-time to keep a hawk's eye over his brother, but the entrance exam for the stupid expensive middle school Gakushuu wanted was coming up soon and the kid actually had a chance to make it. And he wouldn't bet on anyone willing to cover that cost and everyone knows social workers are broke anyways so there was no point in asking Reiko, but if Gakuhou could just pay for half of it… 

But then Gakushuu gets a scholarship. And then Kun and Mariko came along looking for a golden child to have and to hold (only to get a scraggly teenager along with the package), with enough money to give them each their own room and separate allowances. 

And it’s been eight months and they haven’t called Reiko to bring them back to the pound, yet. 

That means Gakuhou now has a sizable amount of personal savings that should have gone to Gakushuu’s studies, now sitting in his bank account. It’s all collecting dusty interest for when he has to strike it out on his own, but occasionally - every so often - he lets himself splurge. Just a little. 

Gakuhou's thankful he looks old enough to pass for twenty. It must be his eyebags and the way bone-deep weariness seeps from him - surely no regular teenager hates life this much. He knows the right konbini where the cashier doesn't ask any questions.

Alcohol costs a fuck ton so it's good fortune that he doesn't have to share. And Gakuhou - obviously - can't call up his peers to drink. So it's always the pavilion by the park ten minutes away from Kun and Mariko's house, and a bathroom break at the mall in between to wash up. He doesn't think they've caught on yet because he's always got laundry started before he gets home, and Gakushuu will shut up if Gakuhou tells him too. Usually. He hasn't tested out Gakushuu's loyalty with the alcohol theory yet.

This time it's midterms. Gakuhou comes in first, as usual. Awase gives him empty congratulations as he floats from table to table. Their homeroom teacher smiles thinly and someone makes a remark about how useless homework is - if Gakuhou can score this well coasting through class, then what's the point? 

Gakuhou briefly wonders if he's setting a bad example for Gakushuu, then decides that ship has long sailed. Besides, he literally watches the kid do work every night. 

So, a celebration. A shitty bottle from the konbini and a sweet bun he can pass off to Gakushuu later.

People say drinking alone is miserable. People don't know shit. Gakuhou happens to like it. It's one of the only times he doesn't have a limpet attached to his back or people watching his every action for him to slip up. Do something impulsive. He knows his labels. He hasn't gotten into any fights with this school because no one talks to him. 

He doesn’t know why he’s picked up the habit, either. Sometime two houses ago - Gakushuu hadn’t liked them very much, so Gakuhou knew they weren’t going to stay long. The husband always had a bottle on the coffee table for late evenings, and Gakuhou managed to snag one from the refrigerator. It burned as it went down and Gakuhou had tried to do those little shots that he’d always seen on television. He had drunk a bit too fast that night and spent his time with his head hanging in the toilet. He’s never getting that hungover again.

Sometimes he thinks about it, though. Not that he wants to relive the experience again, but it’s a little stress relieving sometimes. And he has to admit it makes him feel more grown up than he actually is.

It's nothing to do with the fact that - not with - with… that…

-Adoption. Reiko brought it up when she sat down with Gakuhou last week. Kun and Mariko have kept them the longest so far. Apparently they've thrown the word around in their last meeting. 

That's always the best case scenario. The foster kid ideal. No one wants to keep moving, changing schools, changing neighbourhoods. It's miserable. Gakushuu should've gotten adopted a long time ago, he's the perfect kid. The first family - they weren't so bad - would've taken him. And the second. The third - less said about them, the better. Except you'll find anyone hard pressed to take the both of them together.

Gakuhou asked Reiko once why she didn't just split them up. She asked him instead, "Is that what you want?"

"It would be easier for everyone," Gakuhou had said. Except Gakushuu's a trouble magnet. It's been harder and harder to justify to himself that Gakushuu would be fine on his own. "But I need to keep him out of trouble." 

But - Kun and Mariko. They… they were pretty good, all things considered. Gakuhou thinks they'll do okay with Gakushuu. Gakushuu will do okay with them. Gakushuu will get his own room and he'll get to go to his stupid private middle school and he'll have enough money to spend on ridiculously expensive gift shops. 

Maybe - Gakuhou can visit. If he promises to visit, then Gakushuu - probably - wouldn’t kick up such a big fuss about them splitting up. 

It’s inevitable anyways. And it’s better for the future. If Gakuhou has to go off to college it’s not like he can bring Gakushuu along with him. If he doesn’t, Gakuhou can’t feed the both of them. And Kun and Mariko live close to Kunugigaoka and they let him go there, someone else might not. 

And it’s not like Gakuhou can stand the kid anyways. Good riddance, he says. 

Gakuhou makes it back late into the night. Kun and Mariko don’t give him a curfew, as long as he doesn’t make a racket at the door. He usually sneaks past their bedroom.

Except he doesn’t count on Gakushuu being there, in the kitchen, standing by the sink. There’s a glass of water in his hands as he bounds towards Gakuhou in greeting… and pauses, and wrinkles his nose.  

“Are you…” Gakushuu’s eyes are wide. He hisses, “are you drunk?!”

Gakuhou scowls at him. “What’s it to you? Scram.”

“No, you- you’re drunk! You’re not allowed to drink! You’re underage.”

“Ugh, then go call the cops if you care so much,” Gakuhou shoves him away and heads to the counter. Pours himself a glass. After a pause, he checks, because the kid’s a little terror - but Gakushuu still hasn’t moved from where he’s standing gripped to the kitchen island, his nose scrunched up from the sour smell of beer, cheeks splotchy with red. Good, because Gakuhou didn’t raise him to be a snitch. 

Gakuhou stares at him. "Where's Mariko and Kun?"

"Out," Gakushuu says, fingers twisting in his sleeve. "They have that- that dinner event today." 

"The charity gala?" Gakuhou remembers Mariko mentioning it. Probably. "Why donate more money to charity anyways? They can just give their money to me. We're charity." He snorts. 

Gakushuu doesn't look amused. He continues frowning. "Gakuhou…"

"Fuck off, I'm fine." Gakuhou says. Vertigo spins a little but he's fine. "I'm going to shower."

"Gakuhou!" Gakushuu says.

"You shouldn't be awake anyways, it's past your bedtime." He stalks past Gakushuu, the kid still by the doorway, looking back at him. 

Turns out Gakuhou wasn't right about Gakushuu not being a snitch, because the kid goes running to Kun and Mariko. Gakuhou wonders if he should be glad that Gakushuu has a good enough rapport with them to tell them things like this, or if he should be offended that Gakushuu thinks he can't handle himself. He settles on feeling annoyed.

The couple ambushes him early morning before he has to leave for school. Before is a loose word - Gakuhou's already late. 

Mariko is frowning at him from behind her glasses again, her lips pursed. She doesn't say anything to express her disapproval, but her husband doesn't have any qualms.

"You came back here drunk, scaring the hell out of Gakushuu." 

Gakuhou resists the urge to roll his eyes. It's about Gakushuu again. "I just had a few drinks. And I wasn't drunk, just tipsy."

Kun slams his hand on the table between them, rattling the countertop. "You're in high school! Underage drinking-"

"It was just a few beers," Gakuhou argues. Everyone drinks in high school, anyways. He refuses to believe Kun didn't.

Gakuhou says so as much. Kun rubs his temples.

"We just don't want you to get in trouble, Gakuhou," Mariko says.

"Gakushuu's the one who's the trouble magnet," Gakuhou argues. Gakuhou only gets into shit because he's the one who has to pull Gakushuu out of his. 

Mariko is still frowning at him. Gakuhou scowls. "I'm going to school."

Kun starts, "Gakuhou, wait-"

"I'm already late!" Gakuhou slams the door. 

Gakuhou doesn’t know why Awase keeps asking him to go out with the class. Gakuhou’s never said yes for as long as he’s tried, so why does he think he’ll change his mind? 

“We’re going to a new cafe that's opened up,” Awase says.

“Nope.”

“Come on, Asano.”

“No.” Gakuhou doesn’t look up from his phone. He can still feel Awase staring at him, maybe rolling his eyes. He’s so persistent it’s annoying, like he’s on a god given quest to make the new transfer student (it’s been eight months, Gakuhou thinks he should have cemented into his role as the class loner now) settle in. 

Gakuhou thinks the worst thing about Awase is that he reminds him of Gakushuu. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t actually properly yelled at Awase to fuck off yet, even though he really, really wants to.

Gakuhou does imagine Gakushuu becoming class president sometimes. He knows he’s not, because he’s a new student, but he thinks he probably could be. He has the grades for it, and plenty of friends, and all those extracurriculars he takes should make for a great transcript. He’s one of those “pleasures to have in class” that Kun and Mariko seemed proud to announce to Gakuhou when they got back from that meeting a couple of months back. That’s probably what they said on Awase’s handbook too.

Gakuhou would lie and say he has a job, which is the excuse that some of his classmates throw around and have gotten away with, but he’s fairly certain that the counsellor interrogates Awase about him so whatever he says in class will make it back to Reiko and Kun and Mariko. Kun and Mariko would obviously know it’s a lie because Gakuhou spends most of his downtime shoving his little brother around, but Reiko would bug him about lying to get out of social interaction and how he needs to make an effort and blah, blah, blah. All part of the same packaged spiel Gakushuu eats up. (“Have you been making friends, Gakushuu?” “Yeah! Sakakibara invited me to his house!” Then she’ll turn to Gakuhou with a knowing look. “If your little brother can make an effort, why don’t you?”)

It’s a waste of time, in Gakuhou’s opinion. He doesn’t stay anywhere long enough for it to matter. Eight months is an anomaly, which means the likelihood of Kun and Mariko being sick of him increases every day. The early years of Gakushuu crying every time they had to move hadn’t been fun but he’s gotten better at it. Still too optimistic to beg off the hassle of trying to make friends entirely, but a lot less weepy when it’s time to part. 

Not that Gakuhou wants to actively discourage Gakushuu from making friends. Especially not here, with Kun and Mariko and Reiko throwing around the A-word. It’d be good for him.

So when he’s not hanging out with his class and not doing homework and not trying his best to detach Gakushuu from his knee (because the kid’s at school), Gakuhou ends up at the pavilion at the park. It’s hidden off one of the side roads, not too far away but not in full view of any unsuspecting passers-by like Kun or Mariko if they come looking for him. It’s on a raised hill (mound of dirt, a hill is being too generous) and the ground’s tilted a little, which is only a problem if empty beer cans decide to roll off. But it’s Gakuhou’s free and easy spot and he’s been coming here ever since he found it on day forty eight of his stay at the Takahashis.  

He feels sillier counting the longer they stay. He hadn’t expected them to stick around past day 90; Kun was the kind of straight-laced businessman that Gakuhou imagined would want to kick him out the moment he got into a single fight, and Mariko looked like a stiff wind could blow her over. 

To be fair, Gakuhou had been surprised they’d accepted him and Gakushuu in the first place, for what his track record is. Perhaps he’ll judge less books by their covers.

In any case, he’s grateful they didn’t immediately judge him by his. Reiko never says it, shipping them from house to house, but their return label likely says the same thing. Little one's great, big one's a terror - or something to that extent.

Gakuhou's always the black stain on Gakushuu's perfect perfect record. He has no doubt the couple would adopt Gakushuu immediately if Gakuhou didn't come as a package deal. It's only a matter of time anyways before that particular problem is solved - a few years more and Gakuhou's ageing out of the system, and then Gakushuu can be wrapped up in a pretty bow and sent far far away to a happy loving family, and out of Gakuhou's life.

Good riddance, Gakuhou thinks. 

Gakuhou's phone rings, piercing into the haze. Gakuhou groans, but he straightens up on the contact name. "Why'dya calling, kid?"

"Gakuhou?" Gakushuu's voice is soft but wavering with nerves. Gakuhou pulls the phone away from his ear to check the time - ah, shit, it's ten at night. A lot later than he would normally be back by.

Gakuhou blinks bearily into his bright screen. "Anything wrong, kiddo?"

"Where are you? Why aren't you home yet?" Gakushuu asks. So many questions. 

"I'm fine," Gakuhou says. "I- I'm just nearby, I'm coming back now." He moves to stand up but kicks a can. Liquid sloshes out. "Fuck."

There's a pause on the phone. Gakushuu's voice is barely audible when he says, "are you drinking again?"

Great. "What's it to you?"

Gakushuu is soft. "You're not supposed to do that."

“You’re gonna go tattling to Kun and Mariko again?” Gakuhou accuses.

Silence. Gakuhou can hear soft sniffling.

“Ugh, you,” Gakuhou groans. He drags a hand over his face. A hassle, really. “Fucking. Look, I’m really close by. Just ten minutes from the house. You’re at the house now, yeah?”

Gakushuu makes a small noise of assent. “Mhm.”

“Good, yeah. Come find me, yeah? Hang up, I'll text you the directions." Gakuhou cuts the call before Gakushuu whines more. He texts Gakushuu, keeps his phone in his hands in case the kid runs into trouble. You never know. Another reason - this is a good neighbourhood, better than the last two. Gakushuu got chased by a dog the last time, and tripped over a pothole. The roads here are paved and there aren’t shady figures hanging around in the back alleys. Gakuhou’s probably the most suspicious figure in the park, late in the evening and nursing a can of beer by himself. 

Gakushuu arrives in fifteen. Gakuhou waves to the little figure of a kid poking about by the streetlights, and Gakushuu barrels towards him. “Gakuhou!”

“Get into trouble?”

“No.” Gakushuu makes a face at the alcohol. Gakuhou rolls his eyes and pats the ground next to him.

“Get chased by any more dogs?”

“No,” Gakushuu grumbles. “No more dogs.” He sits down and curls into Gakuhou’s side, shoving his cold fingers into Gakuhou’s jacket. Then stares at the beer again.

"Fucking- just take one." He shoves the can into Gakushuu's hands - it's comical seeing the appalled look on his face, and how he fumbles with the beer can like it's a loaded gun, spilling half the drink on himself.

Gakushuu looks rapidly between the beverage, to Gakuhou, back to the beer, then to Gakuhou again-

"Just drink it," Gakuhou nudges him. More beer spills. "Maybe it'd loosen you up." 

Gakushuu hesitantly takes a sip…

…Then spits it back out, spluttering. "That was so gross!"

Gakuhou snickers. "Pussy."

"You're so gross!" Gakushuu yells at him. "I want water."

"Go get it then."

Gakushuu scrunches up his face but he makes no move to leave. "I don't know how you drink that stuff." 

"Eh, the cheap brands taste like piss. You just power through them to get drunk."

"...How do you know what piss tastes like? Why do you like getting drunk so much?"

"You ask a lot of questions."

Gakushuu falls silent. Gakuhou watches as he stares at the beer can again, his face contorting with anticipation of distaste, and then brings the can up to his lips again. Then he coughs and chokes and sends more beer flying. Gakuhou snickers.

Gakushuu kicks him in the shin. "Gross," he repeats.

"Give it to me if you're just going to waste it," Gakuhou says. A reasonable criticism, but all it does is make Gakushuu hold the can tighter. What a difficult kid.

"You're the one that gave it to me in the first place," Gakushuu grumbles.

"I let you take a sip," Gakuhou says. "And you did, and you hated it. So give it back."

Gakushuu hands it over reluctantly. The outside of the can is now sticky, ew.

There's a pause where the kid is, for once, blessedly silent. Gakuhou tries very hard to pretend that Gakushuu's not here. How pathetic he is that his drinking buddy is his twelve year old little brother who took his first sip of beer and almost upended the rest on the ground. And they said drinking was supposed to be a social activity.

Gakushuu ruins the moment of quiet. "...Do you take drugs?"

"What the fuck?" Did Gakushuu think he was made of money? Gakuhou takes a swig of his beer. "No."

"Do you smoke?"

Gakuhou scoffs. "What is this, an interrogation? You're worse than Reiko."

Gakuhuu's lips pull into a frown. "You didn't answer the question." Looks like Gakuhou's past attempt on teaching Gakushuu how to deflect hasn't been wasted. If only he had the hindsight to realize that his imparted wisdom would one day bite him back in the ass.

"Tried it once,' Gakuhou says, to the kid's blatant disapproval.

Technically not a lie. He tried it once, then twice, then thrice. Cigarettes are expensive, though, and painfully addictive. Not that Gakuhou would know. But lung cancer isn’t really an appealing ailment to him. His liver should be fine, if he just drinks in moderation.

Speaking of. Gakuhou turns to Gakushuu. "Don't drink, it's bad for you."

"What?!" Gakushuu whirls on him. "You're drinking right now!"

"It's different. I'm older."

"No it's not! You're a hypocrite."

"Psh, fine. Then don't go drinking with those friends of yours. Those prissy trust fund kids probably don't know the meaning of moderation."

Gakushuu opens his mouth, closes it. Flops to Gakuhou's side with a huff. 

Gakuhou doesn't nudge him away even though he thinks about it. He polishes off the last can, by which time Gakushuu's dozing off next to him. Gakuhou checks the time - it’s near eleven. Definitely way past the kid’s bedtime. He picks Gakushuu up and heads back. 

This, unintentionally, becomes another one of those sibling bonding things that Gakuhou knows they’re not supposed to have.

Not like the homework. That still happens every evening, Gakushuu rattling off questions to Gakuhou who boredly throws it back to him. Then Gakuhou leaves, fully intending on spending the night alone without his snivelling little brother on his heels.

Until he realizes he’s made the mistake of telling Gakuhou where he hangs out every night. Gakuhou’s usually content to just sit by himself. Use his phone, listen to music. He only buys a drink once a week, maybe twice. He’s not made of money, and they don’t do laundry every day for him to hide it. He has to take note, too, as to who's on shift at the konbini. 

Now he has Gakushuu plastered to him. Gakuhou buys an extra soda with his alcohol, which earns him a raised eyebrow from the otherwise callous cashier. Gakushuu's fidgeting impatiently around the corner where Gakuhou left him because he can't follow him into this konbini, Gakushuu, yes this one is special, I know you come here in the afternoons but you can't come in with me at night, shut up, take this soda. 

It’s not the worst time to spend with his brother. Gakushuu gets annoying when he doesn’t shut up. Gakuhou makes him hold a beer, and sometimes the kid tries to take a sip. Or two, or three. Never more than that before he gags and washes it down with soda.

“Technically, you’re underage drinking now,” Gakuhou points out to Gakushuu the first time, who shoots him with a glare. So the kid doesn’t go tattling. But Gakushuu never declines the offer, even if it’s just to warm the drink with his hands. Even if he does look like he wants to go running to Kun and Mariko every time. 

Gakushuu does nag at him, though, which is amusing some of the time and grating the rest of. Having his little brother lecture him loses its charm quickly.

“Y-you’re going to get liver failure.”

Gakuhou rubs his temples. “Gakushuu, do you ever shut up?”

His brother’s mouth shuts with an audible click but he juts his bottom lip out stubbornly. Gakuhou shoves him, but Gakushuu just digs his little claws into the side of Gakuhou’s thigh.

“Ouch, you little bugger.”

Kun and Mariko have noticed them going out. It’s harder to be discreet with Gakushuu along. Gakuhou has to tell them that they go to the park - not the specific pavilion he haunts, of course not, he’s not making the same mistake again. But if Gakushuu’s going to be wandering around looking for him on off days, at least they’ll know where he’s going.

“I think it’s great you two are spending more time together,” Mariko would say, as if Gakushuu wasn’t already clingy before. Like they don’t already not do their homework together most nights. 

It’s on one of those nights that finds the two of them again at the park. Gakuhou with a four pack of beer, Gakushuu with a grape soda and a straw. Gakuhou watches the kid shake the beer and pop the tab. He snorts.

Gakushuu looks up at him. “This doesn’t even taste nice.”

“It’s an acquired taste,” Gakuhou says. He's acquired it from years of time lost to the wind. And the cheapest vice to get distracted by when he has to think of his younger brother. Having to carry him until he's too big to be carried. Pulling him along everywhere when he was still little enough to be pulled. Going through his homework with him when he actually still needed the help back then, Gakushuu on his lap, Gakuhou tapping a pen, a textbook open between them. Finding ways to arrange futons so they have space apart and Gakushuu worming into his bed at night anyways. Having to pull grown men off him and kick them down the stairs and chase them around the kitchen with a knife. 

Sometimes he wonders what Gakushuu thinks. He never says that he remembers, but Gakuhou thinks he does, sometimes, when someone tall and broad walks past them on the street and Gakuhou's hand tightens in his. Maybe Gakuhou should nudge him towards alcohol to forget - better than cigarettes, better than drugs. 

No, that's no good either.

"Don't drink," Gakuhou tells him.

Gakushuu whips around to glare. "You're such a hypocrite!"

"Mhm, no, I'm a bad influence." Gakuhou shuts his eyes. "Do as I say, not as I do."

"That doesn't even make sense!" Gakushuu says. On the contrary, it does very much. But the kid is continuing. "T-then you shouldn't drink, too!"

Gakuhou stares at him, hard. Not anything with heat behind him. Gakushuu - the stupid immature brat Gakuhou lets follow him everywhere - stares back, undeterred.

Gakuhou's fingers twitch. This - ugh, it's his annoying little brother. Gakuhou smushes his face with his palm. "Fuck off. Leave me alone."

"No! Listen to me!"

"Shut up."

Gakushuu yells. “Why don’t you ever listen to me?”

Gakuhou’s head throbs. From the noise or from the alcohol, he doesn’t know. “What the fuck are you talking about? Since when don’t I listen to you?”

“You… you…” Gakushuu’s face scrunches up, and he wordlessly gestures to-

“Fucking hell, Gakushuu,” Gakuhou hisses. “What is your problem, anyways? I don’t have to let you tag along, you know.”

Gakushuu winces. 

Then Gakushuu says,

“You’re just like Dad.”

Gakuhou… stops. 

Looks at Gakushuu, who looks back, who looks like he’s going to cry. Like he just hadn’t punched Gakuhou breathless. Like he hasn’t just called Gakuhou that asshole , who Gakuhou doesn’t give a fuck if he’s dead or alive, good riddance either way! 

Gakuhou’s… hurt. Then it gives way like a landslide to anger. Because it’s Gakushuu - of all people! Like Gakuhou hasn’t been dragging him out of trouble or helping him study, or, or-

“Okay, you know what? Fuck you!” 

Gakushuu recoils. But he doesn’t get to be the one who regrets saying those words.

“I’ve done so much for you and you say I’m like him? Fuck you!”

“Gakuhou!” Gakushuu wails, hand outstretched, but Gakuhou smacks it away. 

"Just like- fuck off! I do so much for you! You ungrateful- ugh! Leave me alone! I hate you!"

Gakuhou shoves him.

Except that this isn’t level ground, or the house, or Gakushuu’s bedroom. All Gakuhou sees is the brief flash of fear in his brother’s eyes before he topples over the edge of the pavilion.

“Shit, Gakushuu!”

Gakuhou can only thank god that this isn’t a very tall mound of dirt that the pavilion rests on. Still-

“Gakushuu, you alright?!” He skids to the bottom of it and kneels down next to Gakushuu. Immediately yanks the kid up to his feet. Gakushuu sways dangerously. Shit.

“Come on, look at me.” 

Gakushuu’s eyes are wide and wet. “Big brother…”

“Shit, that was just an accident. I didn’t mean to push you.” Gakuhou runs his fingers through Gakushuu’s hair - there’s grass and dirt in it. His elbows and knees are scratched up.

“It hurts.”

“It’s fine, you’re fine. All in one piece, yeah?” Gakuhou lifts Gakushuu up on his hip, earning him a disgruntled squeal. Gakushuu’s way too big for him to do that comfortably now. “Come on, we’ll go back to the house and look you over.”

“Gakuhou…”

“Shush.”

Gakushuu sniffs, and buries his face in Gakuhou’s shoulder. 

They make it back to the house. Gakuhou immediately deposits Gakushuu to the couch and grabs the first aid kid from under the kitchen sink. Swipes a bottle of juice along the way. “Here.”

Gakuhou starts cleaning the wounds. Gakushuu is almost thankfully quiet, when Gakuhou knows kids his age would be wailing at the stinging. 

“Are you kids back- oh my god!”

Gakuhou barely glances up. “Hey, Mariko.”

“What happened?” Mariko comes over to the couch, leaning over in concern. She’s blocking the light. Gakuhou clicks his tongue, irritated. 

Gakushuu stays silent. When Gakuhou looks up, the kid is staring at him, biting his lip. Gakuhou wants to grimace. Is Gakushuu afraid of getting him in trouble?

Gakuhou hisses through his teeth. “I pushed him off a hill.”

“Wh- you? Gakuhou?”

“It was more of a dirt mound,” Gakuhou mumbles. Hill was overstating it. “And it was an accident.”

Mariko falls silent. She steps back and stands there as Gakuhou works silently. The non-response is disconcerting, but he can feel waves of disapproval from her. And Gakuhou had tried to call Gakushuu a trouble magnet.

Gakushuu's trembling lip gives way to quiet sniffles. Gakuhou takes the juice from him and sets it on the table. 

The plasters stay on. Gakushuu flexes his toes. Gakuhou gingerly watches him wobble in place and take a few steps - then lets out a breath. 

"Anything hurts?" Mariko asks.

"'M fine," Gakushuu mumbles. "I'm going up to my room."

He takes the stairs fine. Gakuhou watches him walk carefully until he disappears in the corridor, then ducks around Mariko. He doesn't want to see the expression on her face but he thinks he can guess. 

Another mark on his record. Maybe this will be the last straw. Reiko would be disappointed, too, and she won’t even be able to justify it this time as self-defence because Gakuhou punted his little brother off a height. 

It's fine, it’s fine. Whatever happens, Gakushuu's fine.

Gakuhou raps his knuckles against Gakushuu's bedroom door. He swallows something hard in his throat. Guilt. "Gakushuu?"

There's a rustle, and the soft pad-pad-pad of feet, and the door opens. Gakushuu's eyes are red rimmed, Gakuhou's chest twists.

“Big brother?”

Gakuhou tightens his fingers against the doorframe. "I… I just wanted to see how you were."

Gakushuu blinks guileless eyes at him. "I'm fine."

Fine. God, Gakuhou hates that word now. He'll never use it again. "You know I didn't do it on purpose, right?" It feels like a lie scratching against his tongue. He did do it on purpose, is the thing - he’d be hard pressed to admit to himself that he hadn’t wanted to push Gakushuu away. Of course he hadn’t meant to send Gakushuu sprawling down such a height, but…

"I know, big brother," Gakushuu mumbles. 

Gakuhou properly winces. “Sorry.” He admits. “Won’t do it again.”

Gakushuu doesn’t reply. He just nods, his fingers hovering over the doorknob. Gakuhou’s heart twists. 

The door closes-

“Wait.” Gakuhou drops to a knee. “Gakushuu, I…”

Gakushuu blinks slowly. He casts his gaze to the floor.

Gakuhou swallows. “...I… I am sorry. You know that, right?”

“Mm.” 

“Gakushuu…”

“I know.” Gakushuu’s hand curls in his shirt. “Sorry for saying you’re like Dad.”

“I…” Gakuhou startles. He’s forgotten about that. It’s hard to remember anything but Gakushuu’s ear-piercing scream. He’s left all the empty cans there. Gakushuu’d say something about littering, probably, if he saw it. But the reminder now stings his tongue. 

Gakushuu sniffs. “I didn’t mean it.”

Gakuhou softens, a little. The words tugs at his heart like a persistent ache. He of all people know about anger and the words you don’t mean. It hurts that Gakushuu must have been thinking about it enough to say those words, but Gakuhou just pushed him off a small dirt mound, so Gakushuu deserves to be a little angry at him. Better angry than anything else.

“I promise I won’t leave like Dad did,” Gakuhou says. 

Gakushuu’s breath hitches, and he buries his face in the fabric of Gakuhou’s shirt.

Mariko doesn’t bring it up. Neither does Kun. Neither does Reiko, when they meet next week. But they must know, because Gakuhou has to change Gakushuu’s plasters every day and he does it in the sitting room. They were just small scrapes, luckily, from a small dirt mound. Healing well. 

Eight months bleed into nine. Gakushuu still follows him to the pavilion, but they sit further away from the edge this time. He’s still a clingy little shit, and he’s still chattering his way through Gakuhou’s peace, but Gakuhou puts up with him a bit more. Tells him to shut up perhaps a little bit less, as an apology. Gakushuu seems insistent on burrowing into Gakuhou’s shirt when a strong breeze blows.

Gakuhou’s graduating… really, really soon. He has three months left of high school. He hasn’t really thought about college but sitting in the same spot for too long makes him hope for something permanent. It’s too early for permanency until Gakuhou gets a job and a house and a spare room for Gakushuu to stay in when he visits (and he bets that stupid brat will badger him until Gakuhou has to squeeze to the side of his own bed to make room for two). He’ll probably have to take a gap year. Maybe two. Or however long it takes for him to sort his things out. 

Gakuhou used to think about going to college overseas. Hah! He wishes. He’ll have the grades for it but nothing else going for him. Maybe Reiko will write him a recommendation. She counts as a person of authority, right? Gakuhou almost killed three people, but those were in self defence. He almost killed his little brother too, but that’s a complete accident, he promises.

Maybe Gakushuu will write him one. Just like Dad.  

Nevermind.

Gakuhou doesn’t think about it. 

Gakuhou’s always home before Gakushuu. Kid has too many extracurriculars, but that’s fine, whatever. He should get to expand his repertoire of skills and make more friends or whatever it is that kids do. It’s a hassle to keep track of the revolving door of Gakushuu’s commitments, but one of the necessary evils, Gakuhou supposes. He has a good enough memory that he can recite Gakushuu’s schedule to a tee. 

He wonders if he’s a little obsessive, because as far as Gakuhou knows, regular twelve year olds don’t have to tell their older brothers a minute-by-minute run down of their schedule.

But it usually comes in handy in times like this. When Gakushuu’s not home when he’s supposed to be and Gakuhou has to go hunting for him. Only to see his kid brother pinned to the ground, eyes blown wide with terror, some punk grabbing at him.

Gakuhou sees red.

"HANDS OFF MY LITTLE BROTHER!"

One kick sends the asshole flying. 

Gakushuu screams. Gakuhou glances back for a quick assessment - kid's healthy enough to shriek, not bleeding out profusely, seems good to be left unattended - and turns back to the other guy. Some idiot that looks straight out of high school peeling himself off the asphalt.

"The fuck were you doing, huh?" Gakuhou yells. 

"Wait, please, I'm sorry-" 

Sorry doesn't cut the ringing of Gakushuu's screams in his ears. Not from back then and especially not now. He swings, and there's a satisfying crack of bone. The perp stumbles back, blood gushing out of his nose.

"You got my hands dirty," Gakuhou says coolly. The asshole is holding his head in his hands and he skips backwards. Tries to run.

Gakuhou kicks him, sending him toppling over.

"Big brother!" Gakushuu yells. Gakuhou glances back - but there's no one else around him, just Gakushuu with his knees scraping against the concrete, palms to the floor. 

Gakuhou turns back to the guy. "You fucking pervert-"

"I wasn't touching him, I swear!" The man begs, hands above his head. "I was- I was trying to rob him! I was reaching for his wallet!"

“You think I’ll believe that!” Gakuhou snarls. 

“It’s true! I pushed him and- and he fell over, I was just gonna grab his wallet- please, I’m sixteen!”

"Like that's any better," Gakuhou sneers, giving him another kick to the ribs. It is, marginally. But shit, sixteen? Reiko told him he was very lucky not to get in trouble after the last time. (“Call the police first, Gakuhou. You could have killed them.”) Fuck.

Gakuhou looks down at the man. The kid. He’s younger than him. Bleeding onto his jacket, blood flowing through his fingers. 

“Fucking- run right now before I change my mind.”

The kid doesn’t need to be told twice. He scrambles to his feet and dashes off.

Gakuhou turns back. Gakushuu’s looking at him.

"Gods, Gakushuu," Gakuhou says, and immediately reaches out to grab the kid-

-only to have Gakushuu flinch away.

What?

Did he grab him wrong? "Is your arm hurt?" Gakuhou scowls down at the brat, holding his hand to his chest, the corner of his eyes wet. 

Gakushuu shakes his head. Gakuhou reaches for him again-

-and Gakushuu recoils again. The hell's the matter with him? "Come on, you little shit, let me see."

Gakushuu's eyes are wide and fearful. He shakes his head even quicker now, and when Gakuhou raises his arm again-

-oh. Oh.

"Come on, is this about- I only pushed you once. Stop being such a baby." He quickly snags Gakushuu's arm before the kid backs away further and checks it over. 

"It hurts!" 

"No it fucking doesn't, you're fine." Gakuhou's pretty much an expert in injuries and he's sure that Gakushuu cradling his arm is just an aesthetic choice. It's not even swollen or anything.

Gakushuu still whimpers.

"Whatever." Gakuhou drops the arm. Gakushuu, now free to do whatever the fuck he wants, chooses - of all things to backpedal away from Gakuhou.

"Come on!" Gakuhou yells at him. "I'm not going to fucking hurt you. I just beat up some punk for you!"

But Gakushuu still looks at him, and he looks…

The same wide-eyed fear that was directed at the asshole who tried to assault him. Now he's looking at Gakuhou with the same expression, like he expects Gakuhou to do the same thing. Like Gakuhou's not his older brother, like he's on the same level as some ruffian on the street running around to beat up some middle school kids. 

Gakuhou's lip twists. He's not mad about it at all… except that he is. Of all people to think that lowly of him. He doesn't care what his stupid classmates or the poor excuses for the revolving door of foster parents (why sign up for this programme if you can't even handle simple delinquency?) think, their social worker can go fuck herself for all he cares.

But Gakushuu? Really? After all Gakuhou has done for this stupid brat? 

"Oh you ungrateful little fucker," Gakuhou hisses. "You think I'm gonna- fucking- fine then. Stay here with your unbroken arm."

Gakushuu sobs. "Big brother!"

Big brother. Gakushuu always yells that. Sticking to him like glue. Not now, apparently. Now he's backing away from Gakuhou looking like he's afraid Gakuhou might hit him. Like Gakuhou ever did, on purpose. Just fucking once. Just like Dad.

Fuck. Fuck this. Fuck him. 

Gakuhou runs.

Fuck Gakushuu, honestly. Whatever. It's not like Gakuhou cares. He hates him.

Calling him big brother. Like Gakushuu hadn't spat that Gakuhou was like their father. Fuck him.

He's fine. He's fucking fine.

He throws open the door of the konbini. The cashier looks up, makes eye contact with him. She says, "I'm not selling you anything."

Gakuhou scowls. "What, I can't get a fucking grape soda?"

"...You can get that," she says. 

Fucking- grape soda. Gakuhou catches a glimpse of himself in the reflection of the refrigerator. Is he crying? There’s condensation in the reflection. Fucking hell. 

Cashier glances up and down at his singular grape soda. She's chewing on the end of a pocky. She says, "Where's the kid that's always following you around?"

"What's it to you?!" Gakuhou snaps at her.

She shrugs. Hands him his change. Gakuhou quickly leaves. Fucking nosy cashiers. 

Gakuhou goes to the pavilion. Then swivels on his feet and leaves.

And wanders. 

He’s got nowhere else to go, if not there. But it’s weird, without Gakushuu at his heels. No it’s not, what the fuck. It’s just too early to go there to ruminate in the shitty mood that he’s in. Maybe that’s why the cashier didn’t sell him alcohol, because it’s in the middle of the afternoon with the sun like a spotlight. 

And now he’s holding warm grape soda. Great.

Gakuhou makes it back to the house in the evening and pops the unopened drink into the refrigerator. He stalks past Kun and Mariko, who are both milling in the sitting room. Kun on his phone, probably talking shop. Mariko looking through hers. All Gakuhou wants to do is to go up and take a nap. 

Then he catches a snippet of the conversation.

"Gakushuu's not back yet," Mariko is saying.

Gakuhou pauses mid-step, hand on the banister.

"-yes thank you." Kun puts down the cellphone at his ear. "His school said he's left ages ago."

"He's not picking up his phone either," Mariko worries at her lip. "Do you think something-" Gakuhou doesn't manage to hold back the breath he sucks in through his teeth. Mariko's head snaps towards him. "Oh, Gakuhou."

Something twists in Gakuhou's gut. "What's happening."

Mariko and Kun exchange a look. "Do you know if your brother had any plans today? We can't reach him."

"...No," Gakuhou says.

"Oh dear." Mariko wrings her hands on her apron. "Kun-"

"I'll- I'll go out and look for him," Kun says. "I'll drive around, see if-"

"Surely he's fine," Gakuhou says. The words taste ashy on his tongue for some reason. He tries to remember what scene he left Gakushuu with - he was fine, wasn't he? His arm wasn't broken. Maybe his legs were - no, they were fine too, Gakuhou thinks. Maybe, he was wearing pants, Gakuhou didn't see- no, no, they looked fine, there wasn't any blood-

"-kuhou," Mariko is saying. The front door is swinging shut - Kun must have left. "Do you happen to know if Gakushuu has-"

"He's never run away before." Gakushuu wouldn't. Kid's a leech, always sticking by Gakuhou incessantly for no reason. Besides, why would he run away? Mariko and Kun loves him. He has a great school and great friends, and… well, and…

"Leave me alone! I hate you!"

"I'm going out."

"Gakuhou-"

"To look for him. I…" Gakuhoh's throat is tight. Mariko is looking at him, her expression inscrutable. "If you two hear anything or find him, please-"

"We'll call you immediately," Mariko says.

"Yeah, yeah," Gakuhou says, and runs out.

The first place he searches is the sidewalk where he left Gakushuu earlier that afternoon. The ten minutes it takes him to run there, Gakuhou's calls go to voicemail five times. For Gakushuu's sake he better hope that his phone battery is dead and not that he had it turned off on his own volition, because how did he expect people to reach him in situations like this!

The sidewalk is empty. Mostly clean, apart  from the dried blood splatter (now disguised as brown paint) from where the other high schooler had landed when Gakuhou kicked his teeth in. Which hopefully meant Gakushuu was well enough to just stand up and walk off without another scuffle happening. 

Or that whoever kidnapped him managed to do it without much resistance from the kid's part, like knocking him out or-

"Fuck, fuck." Gakuhou wishes Gakushuu was bleeding then. Then he'd have a blood trace, then he'd have a lead.

"FUCK!"

The call goes to voicemail for a sixth time.

"Gakushuu!" Gakuhou yells. "Gakushuu!!! Gaku-"

A familiar car pulls out alongside him. Kun sticks his head out. "Any luck?"

What a stupid fucking question. Would Gakuhou be sprinting around hollering Gakushuu's name if he'd found him? Gakuhou glares at him. 

"Mariko's filed a missing person's report," Kun says. 

Gakushuu's not- he's not a fucking missing person. He's just… lost in his head reading at the library, or, or fell asleep on a park bench and is happily taking a nap, or maybe he's walking back to the house right now having taken a scenic route!

"Gakuhou," Kun says.

Gakuhou looks at him. "What?"

"You okay?" 

Okay? Is he okay? Is Gakushuu here, is he okay?! 

"I'll be okay once we find him," Gakuhou says. It comes out shakier than he expected.

"Alright," Kun says. "Alright. Have you checked the park?"

…The park.

The pavilion.

"No, I'll-"

"I'll give you a ride," Kun says quickly.

"No, I'll - run. In case I run into-"

"Go," Kun says. "I'll call you if-"

Gakuhou breaks into a sprint.

Gakushuu's not here. 

Gakuhou keeps running.

"Asano?"

Gakuhou whirls around. Of all the people to run into…

"Awase," Gakuhou manages. His voice is hoarse.

"I've never run into you here before," Awase laughs in that stilted polite way. Pleasantly fake. Gakushuu has that same laugh that everyone just eats up, thinking he's so affable. But Gakuhou can't even bring himself to be offended by it, not when it reminds him so much like Gakushuu. "What are you doing here?"

Gakuhou's lungs burn. His legs tremble. "Ga… kuu…" He heaves a deep breath. "...Shu…"

"Um," Awase says.

"M-my," Gakuhou holds up a finger. Give him a second. "My brother. My younger brother."

"Oh!" Awase says. "I didn't know you have a brother."

"He's missing!" Gakuhou says. "He's missing and I can't - I can't find him. I've looked everywhere and I-I… I can't…"

Awase just looks at him, and he looks... Gakuhou doesn't think he's seen that look on his face before. 

"Asano," Awase says. The grip on Gakuhou's shoulder is hard. "Do you have a picture of him?"

A picture. Gakuhou has pictures. His phone blares the number of missed outgoing calls. Gakuhou presses a shaky thumb to his gallery. The first picture in his camera roll is Gakushuu, holding his stupid little certficiate for his stupid little math competition. Gakuhou hadn’t been there, but Mariko had sent the picture to him. He’s smiling. 

“Is that him?” Awase sounds softer than Gakuhou has ever heard him before. “He looks cute.”

Gakuhou tries to say something, but his voice gets caught in his throat. Gakushuu is cute. His adorable little brother. If anything happened to him-

"Have you told your parents?" Awase asks, and he doesn't know, of course he doesn't know, but it stings anyways for a reason Gakuhou can't articulate. It hadn't ever bothered him that he doesn't have parents before, but suddenly-

-on the sidewalk, his class president hovering over him-

"We don't have. Parents." Gakuhou grits. "We're in foster." 

Awase draws back, surprised. 

"Gakushuu- he's never- he's never run away before. He's never run away from me before, I can't, I don't know where-"

“Can you send me that picture?” Awase has his phone out now. “Rina works in the konbini in the city centre, and- well, everyone else lives in different parts of the city, they can keep a look out.”

Gakuhou can only nod. It takes him three tries to push his finger against his contact list. He wants to ask why Awase is helping him. They’re not friends and neither is Gakuhou to the rest of the class. But if he says it aloud, Awase might realize he’s right and take back the offer. 

Awase is quiet for a bit, but his fingers tap rapidly on his phone. Gakuhou gets a notification for the class group chat. 

Then multiple notifications come flooding in. All of them useless. Useless sentimentalities and apologies like Gakushuu’s actually missing. Like they know him, like they care. Gakuhou wants to throw up. He’s dizzy. His legs hurt. His head hurts. His heart hurts.

Gakushuu must be so hurt.

“I fucked up,” Gakuhou sobs. “I wasn’t- I yelled at him. He looked so scared, I haven’t seen him so scared of me before. He thought I was going to hit him. I wasn’t going to hit him, I wasn’t-”

“It’s okay, Asano, it’s okay,” Awase says quickly. “We’ll find him, yeah? We’ll find him.” 

“I pushed him- it was an accident. I didn’t mean to. I was- He must hate me. I think I said I hate him. I-”

“Drink some water, yeah?” Awase says. He presses something into Gakuhou’s hands. It’s his water bottle. “Um, if you don’t mind. Drink some, let’s sit down.”

Gakuhou can’t sit down. “I have to find him.”

“We’ll go look for him when you catch your breath. You’re falling over.”

Awase’s grip is surprisingly strong. Or perhaps Gakuhou’s just winded, and dizzy, and tired, and Awase manhandles him away from the curb. Gakuhou tries to drink past the nausea. His phone keeps buzzing, notifications from his classmates spamming with stupid well wishes and spam bots trying to sell him useless things and Reiko’s name popping up in his notification banner-

Reiko. Gakuhou almost drops his phone trying to accept the call. "Reiko, is everything alright? Did you find him? What-"

"Gakuhou." Reiko interrupts him, her voice hard. Gakuhou pauses. "Listen closely to what I'm about to say."

Gakuhou doesn't know if he can, with how hard the blood is pumping in his ear. "Yeah."

"Gakushuu's at the hospital." WHAT?!

"He's alive, he's awake." Couldn't she have fucking led with that?

"But he's been admitted…" Reiko pauses, and the suspense is killing Gakuhou, why is she not talking, say something, woman! 

"...Due to a suicide attempt."

Gakuhou's blood runs cold.

Gakuhou makes it to the Tokyo General Hospital in record time. Not by himself - he doesn't think he could run any further. His legs had given out on him on the sidewalk. Awase had pulled him to the bench by the bus stop and called him a cab. And it's embarrassing, Gakuhou would think later, him sobbing in Awase's arms when they've barely had a full conversation before. 

Reiko was waiting for him in the waiting room. Gakuhou can't look at Mariko and Kun - he can't bear to see the disappointment and hurt on their faces, not right now. Not right now.

"You're his next-of-kin and emergency contact," Reiko says. "But he was very adamant that he didn't want the hospital to call you."

Fucking hell. That's- fucking-

Suicide attempt. Fuck. Fuck.

"God, Gakushuu," Gakuhou says. His hands are - his hands are shaking. He can't hold the paper water cup Reiko has passed to him. Water spills, just like- like Gakushuu and the stupid beer can. 

"Can I-" Gakuhou swallows. This is so hard. The words are so painful. "Can I go see him? Please?"

Reiko looks surprised, and it hurts. It hurts that she thinks Gakuhou doesn't even want to see Gakushuu. It hurts that she's right, because Gakuhou doesn't want to see him at all. He wants to hate him. Gakushuu must hate him.

Gakushuu should hate him. Gakuhou’s the worst brother. Gakuhou’s just like their father.

He left him. Didn’t he promise never to do that?

Gakushuu… looks so small and frail, swaddled in the thick grey blankets from the hospital. He's curled up into a little ball, looking out the window across the room. Gakuhou's heart aches. 

He takes a step back, and then he can see his own reflection in the window. The first thing he thinks is, it's obvious he's been crying, tear tracks running down his face. His hair is a mess. 

Reiko is behind him, a hand in between his shoulders. "Why don't I go in first to ask him if he'd like you to come in?"

Gakuhou doesn't think he can speak so he just nods. Reiko knocks on the door and Gakushuu looks up at her entry. Then Gakuhou can see he's been crying too. A bandage on his cheek, clinical stark white against his sickly pale skin. 

Had Gakushuu always looked so thin and sick? Has Gakuhou just never noticed?

Reiko is speaking, then - oh, Gakushuu looks over at the window. His eyes are wide, and he looks - his lips are trembling, his hands shake (the IV drip rattles). Gakuhou swallows. 

Reiko says something else.

Gakushuu… nods. 

Gakuhou's hand slips on the doorknob twice. He almost breaks it turning too hard, hearing the click at the end. Reiko's already standing. "I'll let you two for some privacy."

Gakushuu is… he's… "Big brother-"

"Ga-ku-shuu," Gakuhou sobs. His legs are burning, his knees - they give way and Gakuhou falls over. Lands on half the bed. Gakushuu's hands come up, surprised, and Gakuhou grabs them. His fingers are so small and thin and cold. His baby brother is so small and thin and cold. 

“...Gakuhou…”

“Gakushuu,” Gakuhou sobs. His brother’s name blazes in his mind. He doesn’t know if he has the space in his heart to say anything else. He can’t articulate any of it.

“Gakushuu, Gakushuu, Gakushuu.” Blood pounds in his head. Spills out of his mouth like words and pieces of his lungs. “I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry, I love you.”

Reiko tells him a bit more, when Gakushuu’s cried himself to sleep and Gakuhou’s arms have fallen asleep with him from holding him. 

Something about a bridge. Gakushuu had slipped - backwards, onto the floor, cracking his ankle. Someone had called for an ambulance. It’s only when the paramedics asked him where his parents were - “what are you doing here all alone?” had Gakushuu spilled tears over the floor. Then they called Reiko.

Gakuhou tells her. What he said, what he did. That Gakushuu’s bruises on his knees were probably not from the bridge but from the guy that pushed him to the floor. How he’s probably lucky that he escaped another lawsuit because Gakushuu had screamed “big brother” instead of his name. The pavilion (Reiko confirms, she’d heard from Mariko). That Gakuhou ran away when Gakushuu was scared and confused and left him there on the sidewalk. 

That it hurt when Gakushuu said he was just like Father. That it hurt that Gakushuu was right.

Then he cries, again. And Reiko lets him. Gakuhou hadn’t cried in such a long time and here he is, and he doesn’t think he’s stopped for the past few hours. 

Then Gakushuu gets discharged. Kun and Mariko take him back to the house. Gakuhou watches Gakushuu sit on the couch with a cast on his leg and watches Mariko pat down his hair and kiss him on the forehead. 

And then Gakushuu looks up at him with large, wet eyes.

Gakuhou falls by the couch. Gakushuu is so small in his arms. Gakuhou hates him so much. Gakuhou hates this so much. “I love you.” His heart beats so hard he thinks Gakushuu must feel it. 

Someone yanks the beer out of his hands.

"Hey, motherfu-" Gakuhou swivels around, the world spinning with him. There's a silhouette of a man with his arms folded, looming over Gakuhou.

"You shouldn't be drinking this."

Oh, it's Kun. Gakuhou rolls his eyes. "Fuck off."

Kun does not fuck off. But he doesn't yell at Gakuhou either. To his surprise, Kun sits down next to him. 

"Drinking isn't the way to drown your woes," he says.

Gakuhou stares at the bottom of the bottle. "What would you know about it." 

"You were right," Kui says. Before Gakuhou can ask what, he continues - "I was your age when I had my first beer."

Gakuhou can only bring himself one incredulous bark of laughter at the unexpected declaration, the sense of victory hollow. What did he come here for, to gloat? That he managed to be deviant in his young life and still end up like this - normal, with a happy wife, the happy kid they could have already gotten if Gakuhou wasn't in the picture? Takahashi Gakushuu , what a sight it must be.

“...How'd you know where to find me?”

“Gakushuu told me,” Kun says. The little snitch. “This where you pushed him?”

“Ugh.” Gakuhou hates thinking about it. “Yeah.”

“It’s just a small dirt mound.” 

“That’s what I said.”

“Gakushuu said it’s a hill.”

“A hill’s overstating it.” But maybe it’s a hill. Gakuhou’s taller than Gakushuu. Gakushuu will probably catch up, eventually. But maybe it’s a hill, to him. “Why didn’t you yell at me about it?”

“Did you want to be yelled at?” Kun asks. It sounds like it should be antagonistic, like he should be baiting Gakuhou into a fight. But Kun sounds genuinely curious. Gakuhou doesn’t answer, because he doesn’t know. Who wants to be yelled at? But the answer is somehow yes.

“It was an accident. You felt bad about it by yourself. Besides, siblings fight.”

“Not like this.”

“Exactly like this. I broke my brother’s leg once, you know.”

“Pfft.” Oh, shit. Wait. “...You have a brother?”

“He’s in Korea. Comes over once a year. You’ll see him at New Year’s.”

“Gakushuu’s birthday is on New Year’s.” 

“We’ll have a party,” Kun says. “We’ll serve only non-alcoholic drinks.” 

Gakuhou rolls his eyes. Spoilsport.

“Especially for the younger kids.”

Shit. “...Did Gakushuu tell you?”

“He got nervous when the doctor quizzed him about his alcohol intake.” Kun says. Sounds just like him, the little bugger. Then, “you shouldn’t-”

“I know, I know.” Gakuhou’s definitely not going to give Gakushuu anything stronger than soda. That is, if Gakushuu still wants to talk to him. If he still wants to walk to the pavilion and sit with Gakuhou again. If Gakushuu doesn’t hate him.

“Your brother doesn’t hate you.”

“I almost killed him.”

“You did not almost kill him.”

“I left him and he tried to s-... he tried to sui-…”

There’s a hand gripping his shoulder. “That,” Kun says, “is not on you.”

“But-”

“Have you talked to Gakushuu about it?” Kun interrupts.

He knows he hasn’t. Gakuhou wants to glare at him, but it’s blurry when he blinks. Gakushuu’s been staring at him these past few days. Like he wants to say something but can’t. Whatever it is, Gakuhou doesn’t want to hear it. He can imagine what he’d say. That he was right, or that Gakuhou is a shitty brother, or that Gakuhou broke his promise. 

“You should talk to him,” Kun says. “You’re running away from him again.”

“I’m not,” Gakuhou protests. “I don’t run away.” Except he did. Ugh. He is, huh? Gakuhou doesn’t think he’s actively avoided Gakushuu before like this. He’s always hated the kid following him around, but now the kid can’t walk properly, which… is bad. It isn’t the sort of peace and quiet Gakuhou wants, alone without Gakushuu dozing next to him, a half-finished can of soda propped up by the pillar, the reflection of the moon on the dew of the grass.

It’s been a week since then. Reiko has stopped by twice to talk to Gakushuu in his bedroom with hushed voices. Gakushuu always sits on the couch during the day with Mariko, who’s taken a leave of absence from work as Gakushuu takes one from school. This time, when Gakuhou has to step aside for Kun to walk past, Gakushuu reaches out and snags his sleeve.

Gakuhou looks at him. “I know,” he says quietly. They’ll have to talk. “You’re a bit too big for me to carry up, huh?” Of course Gakuhou could do it if he wanted to.

Gakushuu smiles at him. His eyes are shiny, and they squint in a little curve. “Big brother.”

“I left you again, huh?” Gakuhou kneels down by him. “Sorry. This has been… a scary week for me.” Not as much as it must have been for Gakushuu.

“It’s fine,” Gakushuu says softly to him. “Reiko and Mariko and Kun says to wait for you.”

“Don’t say it’s fine.” Gakuhou huffs gently. “It’s not.”

“...But it is, though.”

“You’re a smartass. Little shit.” Gakuhou wants to laugh and cry at the same time. “You’re growing into your Kunugigaoka roots.”

Gakuhou’s smile dims, just a little. “I like it here.”

“...Yeah?” 

“Mhm.” Gakushuu’s hands tighten in his shirt. “I like… Mariko. And Kun. And Kunugigaoka. And… and the park.”

“Do you?” Gakuhou says. “We can go to the park. I’ll take you.”

They go, once Gakushuu can walk a little again. The coffee table is now endlessly filled with little get well cards and chocolate bits and notes written in swirly glitter pen that make his baby brother blush.

Gakuhou has to promise Kun and Mariko that he’s not giving Gakushuu alcohol. He has to prove it with his cooler bag of ample non-alcoholic beverages, which is embarrassing for Gakuhou and probably amusing for both Gakushuu and the cashier behind the konbini, who waves at Gakushuu and sneaks him a small piece of candy that Gakuhou definitely notices.

“Glad to see you two made up,” she says. She still doesn’t ask for Gakuhou’s identification card. 

“You’re not allowed to buy that,” Gakushuu says to him. He has the good foresight of saying that after they’ve paid and left.

“Kun and Mariko said that you can’t drink this, not that I can’t,” Gakuhou points out. Gakushuu just rolls his eyes, the snarky little shit. Maybe Gakuhou is a bad influence, after all. The walk turns into fifteen minutes with Gakushuu slowly limping. The breeze is cool, and Gakushuu shivers, so Gakuhou tucks him under his arm.

"Dad used to drink," Gakushuu mumbles.

Gakuhou freezes, can halfway up to his lips. He swallows, hard. "Did he?" He doesn't remember. Gakuhou wasn't home a lot, back then. 

"He and Mum used to fight about it alot." Gakushuu's gaze is vacant. Curled up by the crook of Gakuhou's elbow. “Mum always threw it out before you got home. Said she didn’t want you to follow him.”

Gakuhou's fingers tighten over the can. "I'll stop."  

"You don't have to. I know you like it."

Gakuhou sloshes the can - half of it's left. He transfers it to the arm not holding Gakushuu and swings his shoulder back. Flings it as far as it can until the glint of it disappears in the distance.

"You're littering," Gakushuu says.

"Shut the fuck up," Gakuhou says.

Gakushuu giggles. Tightens his grip on Gakuhou's shirt and buries his head in his collar.

Gakuhou’s classmates start talking to him suddenly. How infuriating.

“I didn’t know you had a little brother!” “When can we meet him?” “He’s so cute!” “I’m so glad he’s safe and sound!” 

Gakuhou hates these people. It’s as if Gakushuu’s endless stream of questions followed him to school instead.

He has to thank Awase, who he finds out later that he didn’t let slip about the foster care situation, even as Gakuhou embarrassingly poured his heart out on the pavement to him that day. And Awase keeps smiling at him, looking at Gakuhou like he hasn't seen him break down embarrassingly on the side of the road.

Ugh. Was Gakuhou supposed to admit they’re friends now? He never will.

There’s a silver lining to it all, he supposes. At least he has a proper excuse to not go for their lame attempts at class bonding. “No, I’m looking after Gakushuu.”

“Aww, you should just bring him along!”

“Nope.”

Then-

The year passes.

Gakushuu turns thirteen. And there’s two more months until Gakuhou has to graduate. And then one day Reiko says that Kun and Mariko would like to talk to him.

"...have you asked Gakushuu yet?" Gakuhou says. He wills his voice not to crack. 

"Not yet," Mariko says. "We wanted to ask you first."

Gakuhou's throat is dry. His heart pounds heavy in his chest. "You don't need my permission." As long as Gakushuu says yes. And he should. 

Mariko leans back. She exchanges a look with Kun that Gakuhou can't decipher. Kun says, "what do you think this is about, Gakuhou?"

Oh, they're going to make him say it. How cruel. "You two adopting Gakushuu." Ah, it hurts. Gakuhou can't imagine it, but it's reality. Kun and Mariko will be good for him. Gakushuu'll say yes. "But you'll let me v-visit, right?" 

"Oh, Gakuhou," Mariko says. She's shaking her head. Kun has a hand on her knee. Of course. Gakuhou's such a bad influence in his life, he almost drove the kid to s-... to sui-… Of course they wouldn’t. Gakuhou wouldn’t.

"We want to adopt you, too."

"...What?" 

Gakuhou feels something flutter in his chest. It makes him want to throw up. "Why?"

Kun and Mariko look at each other - again. 

“Because,” Mariko says. “You’re a good kid. And you’re part of the family.”

“I-I’m the o-opposite of good.”

“You are a good kid,” Kun says. “You take care of your brother, you have good grades, you are good at… fighting… martial arts. Do you take martial arts? Would you like classes?” Mariko elbows him.

Gakuhou sniffs. “I hurt Gakushuu.”

Something in Mariko’s eyes twinkle. “Gakushuu,” she says, faux-whispering conspiratorially, “is a trouble magnet.” Gakuhou finds that a laugh slips past his lips despite himself. Two days ago Gakushuu had tripped over one of the neighbour’s cats and got a scratch out of his arm. 

Kun says, “Gakuhou.”

Gakuhou… doesn’t know. “I always thought…”

“Oh, Gakuhou,” Mariko says. “You don’t have to give us an answer now. You can talk to Reiko and Gakushuu.” 

Gakuhou… looks between them. Kun and Mariko. They’ve lived a year together, and Gakushuu likes them. Which had been strange at first, and Gakuhou didn’t really get it, but he’s always trusted Gakushuu’s instincts in the way you should always trust kids’ intuition because Gakushuu hadn’t liked any of the previous ones. And Gakuhou thinks he gets it, maybe, because they aren’t so bad. “Don’t you two want to ask him first too?”

Kun says, “we think it’d mean just as much if you talk to him about it as well, if you want.”

Gakuhou wants…

…To talk to Gakushuu. And Reiko. Maybe he’ll give Reiko a gift for having to put up with him. “Congratulations on your sale!” Gakushuu would probably say something stupid. Maybe he’ll cry. Gakuhou will have to peel him off his leg. “Make your own decision,” Gakuhou will have to tell him. “Don’t just follow me wherever I go.”

Gakushuu would stare at him in defiance anyways, the little shit. The stupid brat. Gakuhou loves him.