Chapter Text
Pain, a very deep pain within his chest, that’s what Arthur felt as he fell on his back towards the ground and watched as the lucky bastard that had just murdered the King ran.
Luckily, Merlin caught him just before he hit his head and ran with him towards the forest. Good Merlin, always coming at the last second to save him.
Away from the battlefield, he started taking care of him, but Arthur’s vision quickly turned black, he couldn’t see what was happening anymore, this was the end, winning the war but losing his life.
“Quicker than falling asleep,” He thought while losing consciousness.
But then, a light shined through his closed eyelids, he opened them and was met with a shimmering white brightness that could blind someone. A light shadow covered some of it, it was a woman with a warm smile, calm eyes and blonde hair.
“Mother?” Asked Arthur, still on the ground
“Yes, my boy, we meet again” answered Ygraine, helping him get up.
He noticed she seemed faded as if she were a ghost, but he wasn't in such a state, the only change that had happened was that his clothes were pristine, the hole in his chainmail, and body, had disappeared.
“Wait, if I’m here, does that mean that I am..?” stated Arthur, feeling unsettled.
“Just for a short time, there are a lot of things I must tell you, and I am not the only one” Clarified Ygraine, already worried for her child.
“I do not understand”
“I do not expect you to, but you did so the first time we met”
“What do you mean the first time?”
“Well, many years ago, when you were still a young soul, I managed to meet you, but you were just a child, you had hardly passed your twenty summers!”
“Wait, the time I met you through Morgause was real?!”
“I am afraid so, Dear”
“I remember that night, but not what happened. Why did you die?”
“It might help with what I have to explain, so I’ll walk you through. Your father wanted an heir to the throne that was his blood, he did not want my brothers to take over when he died. Apparently, we could not conceive a child, so your father went behind my back to consult a witch named Nimueh, she granted him a solution, but he did not listen to the warnings of messing with the tethers of life: an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a life for a life. So, your father decided that he loved the kingdom more than me, and he sacrificed my life for yours.”
Ygraine took a pause, then kept talking.
“Later on, instead of grieving me, admitting his evil doings and moving on with his life, he decided it could not have been his fault for not listening to very important warnings, and he brutally murdered men, women, and children mercilessly, and he taught everyone in his kingdom to do the same or perish.”
Ygraine had been looking at her hands, and when she finally looked at Arthur, she found an incredulous look on his face
“But... father loved you, he couldn’t have sacrificed your life over an heir!”
“Your father loved his throne, Arthur, I’m sorry I can’t explain it with more delicacy”
“This doesn’t seem right. My father loved you! Sure, he may have not been the warmest person but he was fair and just. I don’t trust you, how do I know you’re not another one of Morgause’s tricks?” Said Arthur, taking a defensive stance.
He couldn’t… Well, he wouldn’t accept what his father was.
“Listen, I didn’t want it to come to this, it honestly feels like a betrayal, after all he has done, but, if this is what it takes to convince you, it must be done. Come with me”
“Why should I trust you?!” yelled Arthur, tears threatening to burst “You’re lying about my father! I DON’T BELIEVE YOU”
he started sobbing, and Ygraine came to his aid.
“My dear boy, I know this is hard to accept, but why would I lie? You are my son, and I want nothing but the best for you. So, please, come with me and let me help you, I’ll show what magic truly is. But we must hurry, Merlin is minutes away from coming up with a cure”
As they walked towards what seemed to be a white cloud, Arthur took the chance to look around. The afterlife, or at least the veil between the living and the dead, seemed calmer than the last time he saw it when his father announced what a failure he was. The air seemed tranquil, there wasn’t a brooding sense of disapproval, and he felt relaxed in the presence of his mother.
Ygraine directed his gaze to a white cloud that seemed motionless.
“Now, before I start, do you remember how Merlin became your manservant?”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“Answer the question, Dear” Arthur didn’t notice it, but his mother was getting a tad impatient.
“Of course I do. He saved my life from an evil witch and my father named him my manservant. I was in a major disagreement with that, but, eventually, we started getting along.”
“Do you know how he saved your life?”
“Yes, he pushed me away from the path of the knife”
“There’s a little more to it than that. Look”
Arthur watched as the cloud turned from white to resemble more and more the colours of the castles hall until there was a clear image of the night that woman tried to murder Arthur. She had started singing, and everyone was quickly falling asleep, everyone except Merlin.
“Why isn’t Merlin falling asleep?” Asked Arthur, but Ygraine just nudged him to keep watching.
Merlin covered his ears and started looking at the candelabrum, his eyes turned yellow and the wooden structure fell on top of the witch.
“MERLIN HAS MAGIC?!” shouted Arthur, but his mother made no gesture, leaving him to his realisation. “He saved my life… Using magic” he said, baffled.
“Keep watching, dear” Said Ygraine.
The cloud went back to white for a few seconds before it transformed into the image of the castle's battlefield, where Arthur and the knight Valiant were about to fight in a tournament.
“I remember him! He tried to use snakes to kill me!”
The cloud showed Merlin in his room, mumbling some words over, and over, and over again to the statue of a dog until it transformed into an actual one. Merlin burst out of his room and ran towards the field, saving Arthur’s life again.
“He saved me… Even after I shouted at him and didn’t believe him, he saved me”. The cloud changed two more times, showing two other occasions where Merlin saved Arthur’s life.
“I think that’s enough for you to get the point now,” said Ygraine, waving her hand in the cloud and making it fade out of existence.
“For every evil magical thing I’ve faced, Merlin saved me from it”
“Pretty much, yes. Listen, I know this is hard to comprehend, so that will take its own time. But, if you want to see every time Merlin has used magic to save your life, I’ve created this device”
Ygraine handed Arthur a small piece of glass embedded into a silver oval.
“A mirror?” Asked Arthur
“Not just a mirror, you see, there are three shapes carved into it: an arrow pointing to the left, another one pointing to the right, and two straight lines. If you wish to see the previous time Merlin saved your life, press the carving with the arrow facing the left, if you want to see the next, press the arrow facing the right, and if you want to stop the image before you, press the two straight lines, once you’ve fulfilled your needs in stopping the frame, press the carving again to make the pictures move again. It is a bit strange, but I wrote a book to guide you in how to use it, I will give it to you later, amongst other things”
Arthur secured the mirror within the pockets of his armour, wondering whether Merlin would want to see himself saving Arthur’s arse over and over again, and he figured that maybe he would.
“There’s someone I need you to meet,” Said Ygraine after a moment or two. She stepped to the side, and a young girl with the same transparent effect as Arthur’s mother came into view. She seemed a bit nervous, but she was smiling nonetheless.
“Greetings, my lord”
“Please, that should not mean anything around here, call me Arthur. And, I’m sorry but, do I know you?” Asked Arthur, astounded by the way that the girl seemed so familiar in his presence as if she knew him for a very long time.
“I don’t expect you to know me, you never met me this way. My name is Freya”
“Oh, hello Freya, is there anything you have to say to me?”
“Yes. I need you to ask Merlin about me, he knows me but he’s never told anyone about me” Explained Freya.
“To not make her sound narcissistic, I’ll explain, we’ve discussed it and have come to the conclusion that Merlin needs to talk about Freya to someone, he needs to get it out of his chest. And we think it should be you”
“Don’t just ask him about me, ask him about his life as a sorcerer, there are many things that he has never told anyone, and he needs to get them off his chest.” Clarified Freya
“Very well,” Said Arthur, wondering what connection that woman had with Merlin, how she had died, and what else he did not know about Merlin’s life. But then again, he doesn’t know much about him.
A boy came from behind the two women and lightly tapped Ygraine’s shoulder.
“My lady, Merlin is not far from a cure, you must hurry,” he said
“Yes, thank you Daegal, you may retire”
The boy took some steps before fading out of existence completely.
Arthur took that as a signal of his departure, so he turned around, but Freya called his name.
“Arthur!” She said
“Yes?”
“I know you will do what I ask you, but for further clarification, what I asked you to do wasn’t a question. It was a command.” Stated Freya, with a fierce stand and a look in her eyes that ran shivers down Arthur’s spine.
“Y-yes, ma’am,” He said, stuttering. Freya giggled and bid him farewell.
“Arthur my boy, it is almost time to go home, so I must give you this” Said Ygrainne, dragging a large wooden chest, Arthur was confused.
“There are many things neither Merlin nor you know, even though he is very wise, here are a lot of things that will help you figure out why Morgana wanted to overthrow both you and Uther. It will bring a lot of clarity, and you will realise who made Morgana do all these things. There are also lots of things that happened surrounding Gwenevere, Gaius, Lancelot, and many other people in the kingdom. I advise you to put the mirror in here as well. Also, make sure nobody sees this, only you and Merlin, for this is a path of knowledge you must take together.”
“Mother, let me get this clear, you want me, a king, who is supposed to have a hole in his chest, to smuggle in through the castle doors, a chest that is the size of a small child?”
Asked Arthur sarcastically
“I get how Merlin feels now” Answered his exasperated mother, who looked at the chest and muttered a few words Arthur couldn’t understand. Her eyes glowed yellow, and the chest shrank to the size of a small apple. Arthur lost his mind.
“YOU? YOU HAVE..?”
“Yes I do, your father did not know that, but when he found out my brothers did, he immediately refused to give them the throne”
“Speaking of the devil, have you seen my father… around here?” Said Arthur, vaguely gesturing at the place they were in.
“A few times, I have been told that when he sees me he scurries away like a frightened deer”
“What’s that all about?” He asked chuckling
“Well, the first time I saw him I made my sentiments clear, and my fists as well” Answered Ygraine, smiling to herself.
“Do me a favour, save me a couple of blows will you?”
“There will be a long time before you are able of seeing your father again, Arthur, his coward arse will be waiting right here for you, and so will I”
A black cloud appeared before the two of them.
“You must go through that door to return to the world of the living, you have a lot to do”
“I’m going to miss you,” said Arthur melancholically
“So will I, my boy” Answered Ygraine, pulling him into a tight hug. “But we will meet again, be certain of that. Go now, don’t keep Merlin waiting”
They parted ways and Arthur walked calmly into the cloud.
Things on that side, on the other hand, weren’t so calm.
Merlin was bawling his eyes out, screaming in frustration, nothing seemed to work, nothing. He had faced away from Arthur’s seemingly lifeless body. He couldn’t control his sobs, which were getting louder and louder.
In the middle of desperation, Merlin had one more idea. He slowly made his way to the place where the blade had ripped through Arthur’s skin and flesh and whispered pleadingly.
“Gestepe hole Þurhhæle,” he said, resting his hand on Arthur’s bloody wound, but nothing happened. He buried his face on Arthur’s chest, giving up. The king was dead, he had failed.
Except he hadn’t.
He heard a small grunt, and when he lifted his head, he found Arthur’s lips were trying to move. His eyes were closed, but his head was slowly starting to move.
He tried to understand what the King was trying to say.
“Mph… Mer… Merlin”
His eyes shot open
“Arthur!” he exclaimed as Arthur’s eyes began to open. “You’re alive!”
Arthur acknowledged where he was, realised Merlin was there, looked at him straight in the eye, and started crying.
“I-... I’m so s-sorry” he said, pulling him into a tight hug.
Merlin was taken by surprise, Arthur, who rejected every single attempt of a hug in his life, was now hugging him, but then Arthur’s words went into conscience.
“What are you on about? There’s nothing to be sorry for, everything is okay now”
“No, it's not. And I’m going to make sure that is known.”
Merlin didn’t understand Arthur’s words, but the king was certain of what had to be done.
One week on, after the war had been won, Morgana was presumed dead, Arthur had healed (Or at least healed enough) and the people of Camelot were waiting outside of the castle for an announcement Arthur was going to make, everybody thought he was going to declare the end of the war with Morgana.
“Are you ready?” said Merlin “Do you have your speech?”
“Yes, Merlin. I’ve got it all covered,”
“Well, I just thought it was strange that you didn’t take mine,”
“There are some things I must say, not only to them but to you as well, so I decided to write it myself,”
“Very well then, you’re all set. Good luck!”
“Thank you, Merlin, I trust you will be listening”
“Like always, my lord”
They nodded at each other and Arthur stepped into the balcony where a giant crowd was waiting for him. As soon as his head was in sight, the people started cheering with all their hearts. Why wouldn’t they? The war was won, there were no enemies in sight, the king was alive, it was pure bliss.
Arthur quickly quieted the crowd, he looked serious.
“People of Camelot,” he said “The war has finally been won,” the people started cheering, but Arthur quieted them again. “This brings the possibility for peace amongst kingdoms. But, before that, we must first settle a quarrel that has terrorized our kingdom since I can remember. I have recently come to the realisation that my father was a tyrant, a hypocrite, and a fool. I know some of you remember him fondly, many others do not, but I must be clear to you all: My father was wrong in starting a war against magic. It is not the evil many of us have been taught it was, and I know that many of you will agree,”
Arthur took a breath and quickly looked down to the people. Some of them seemed confused, many of them were eager to keep listening, and some others were pleasantly surprised. He spotted Gaius in the crowd, he was smiling fondly, as if he was watching his child take his first right steps.
“But the understanding of this matter is not enough. Both my father and I have mercilessly slaughtered people who were believed to have magic, we have encouraged people to do so, people have been chased their whole lives,” he tried to catch a glimpse of Merlin, but little did he know his servant was out of sight, furiously listening to his king’s words.
“People have hidden their whole lives, they have feared who they are. This cannot go unnoticed. I cannot make amends by simply lifting the ban on magic in Camelot, therefore, not only am I going to do that, but I am also going to welcome any person in possession of magic to solicit a personal meeting with myself and the royal court as to what I can do to make this clear: I terribly and deeply regret everything I’ve done to all of you, none of you deserve anything that has happened to you, and I will do what I can to improve your life, you will be forever welcome in this place, thank you,”
Arthur went silent, anxiously awaiting for the people’s reply. Everyone was quiet, not a sound came.
Until someone yelled.
“Long live the king!!!” Shouted Gaius at the top of his lungs.
“LONG LIVE THE KING” The knights, including Percival, Gwaine, and Leon joined in with him.
Soon, every single person in that courtyard was shouting their support to Arthur. People were clapping, some were cheering, the kingdom was happy.
Later that afternoon, Arthur and Merlin were in Arthur’s chambers, the king was seated at his desk and his servant was tidying his room. Though it wasn’t an ordinary evening, after all, the king had just made an announcement that changed the kingdom drastically, but it wasn’t just that. There was tension in the air, the two of them were silent, and Arthur was starting to get worried.
“Are you alright Merlin? You’ve hardly said a word all day”
“Just doing the day’s job, Sire” Merlin avoided meeting his eye.
“Your definition of doing the day’s job involves talking my ear off half the time, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing is wrong, I’m just not feeling talkative”
Silence filled the room again, but Arthur was determined to find out what was wrong, so he decided to jump into the other several matters he was supposed to talk about with him.
“Listen, I know I rarely ask for your opinion but since your usual chatter is missing, I want to know. What do you think of my announcement?”
Merlin stopped in his tracks, Arthur was confused as to why.
“Is that what’s bothering you?”
“No.” Said Merlin. “I’m just surprised, last week you were at war, today you have turned the kingdom upside down. It was a little sudden”
“Well, I did have a tiny revelation last week”
“How so?” Merlin was slowly getting closer, still not looking at him. He had gone from cleaning the table to tidying the bed.
“Well… it all started when I died”
“YOU WHAT?!” Merlin turned to look at him for the first time in the entire afternoon, Arthur secretly thanked the heavens that his death got at least a reaction out of him.
“Only briefly though”
“Oh because THAT makes it all better!”
“Let me finish. I needed to die. There were people I had to speak with”
“What do you mean?”
“I met my mother, Merlin.”
Merlin looked at him, silently panicking about whether Arthur remembered the time he met his mother and almost killed his father immediately afterwards.
“She taught me what magic truly was and what I was destined to be. She told me everything she told me the first time I met her since I didn’t remember anything.”
Merlin stayed silent for a while, then he sighed in buried frustration. His anger and sadness were starting to rise.
“What is it?” Arthur asked
“Oh nothing, congratulations on meeting your mother and your epiphany”
“Thank you…” said Arthur, estranged at how fake that sentence sounded. “Merlin, there’s something else my mother told me”
“What?” Said Merlin looking up, in ignorance of the knot in Arthur’s throat.
“She um… She showed me your yellow eyes'' Arthur didn’t know how else to explain it, he wanted to use the mirror but it had been shrunk.
Merlin’s face turned from curious to a mix of numbness and annoyance, he pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek, and his eyes looked dead.
“Of course she did,” He said, facing away from his king.
“Merlin, are you alright?” Arthur was about to get up, but Merlin’s turning around stopped him. He looked angry, he had never seen him like that.
“No.” He said, clenching his jaw. “I am not, because apparently, my life was a goddamned waste,” He was trying his best to keep a straight face, but the sheer rage that had his blood boiling was too much for his eyes not to express.
“What do you mean?-“
“No, you let me finish for once in your life!!” He yelled, turning around again.
“Ever since I set FOOT in Camelot, everything I have done, everything I have said, every breath I have taken has been for you. I have held everything in in the hope that one day I would get to tell you what I went through but since your mother decided it was fucking public knowledge I don't even get to do that!! Not only do I get stolen from the opportunity of sharing the reason why I can find trouble at every single corner, but I also find out that my life was a waste since your mummy was meant to explain everything anyway! All I had to do was kill you!”
Merlin was throwing his hands up in the air as shouted, turning round and back again rapidly. It was too hard to contain himself.
“And that’s precisely what I wanted to do when I met you but noo! I had to go and listen to an old cheating dragon that told me you and I were joined together by destiny! And of course, dumb little Merlin believed that deceiving riddle-teller, because why the hell not?! I was naive enough to believe I was part of something bigger, that every pain and sorrow would be worth it because I would be able to say my life mattered but turns out it doesn’t. None of it was worth it, watching everyone die and not be able to do anything, the lies, the pain. My life is worthless!”
The sounds he made started being incomprehensible after that. Among the shouting, the sobbing and the dryness in his throat, Merlin only threw empty curses, he knew Arthur could no longer understand him, and frankly, he couldn’t understand himself. His eyes were glossy, his entire face was red and he was sobbing violently, he tried to quiet himself by covering his mouth with his hand but that just made his breathing worse, he was hyperventilating.
On the other hand, the shock that paralyzed Arthur’s body immediately vanished when he heard Merlin’s sobs. He bolted from his chair and rushed to Merlin, he put his hands around his shoulders and looked directly in his eyes.
“Hey, hey, look at me, look at me…” he acted quickly, not allowing Merlin to push him away or to object to his commands
“breathe in… and breathe out. Keep going, it’s alright,” he joined their foreheads and they both closed their eyes.
Slowly, Merlin calmed down and stopped crying, though his breathing was still unsteady, so Arthur pulled him into a hug, Merlin buried his face against his neck.
“Why are you doing this? You know I’m right” Merlin said, backing away from Arthur’s arms.
“Let me explain why you are wrong. The first time my mother tried to explain everything, I wouldn’t believe her. I didn’t want to. She had to show me magic could be used for good, she had to show me you. And so, I realised all the pain you’ve been through, watching me pillage and burn your kin without mercy, without being able to do anything about it, and you stayed by me. You didn’t leave. You had faith in me, and for that you deserve to rest. You’re not worthless, you never were, you are the sole reason magic is welcome again in Camelot''
Merlin didn’t know what to say, mainly because he thought he wouldn’t be able to talk without starting to cry again. It was all too much, so he decided to bury his face in Arthur’s shoulder, and hope that the other would understand that he wanted him to keep talking. To just keep hearing his voice.
After checking for stilled breaths, Arthur decided to keep talking about his encounter.
“My mother gave me an item, something I hope you can help me decipher when you’re feeling better, but first, I met some of your friends, I think,”
“Dead ones? Take your pick,” he managed to jest.
“I was commanded to ask you about someone in particular, actually,”
“Who?”
“I believe her name was Freya, and briefly I saw a boy named Daegal”
Merlin tensed up.
“You met… Freya?”
“I did! Sweet girl, she told me you needed to talk about her, and pretty much everything you couldn’t tell people because of, well, magic”
“You met… Freya.”
“Um, yes, did you not listen to me?”
Merlin backed away and faced Arthur.
“No, I did. It’s just, I haven’t heard that name in a long time, Daegal too. I’d love to tell you about them, about all them” he breathed and ran a hand through his head, keeping it there for a few seconds.
“I just don't think I have it in me today, all of them are long stories, and frankly today has been exhausting enough. Do you think I can tell you some other day?”
Arthur straightened himself
“Yes, of course. You should rest, you’ve got big days ahead of you, and I want you to look your best”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, people from all over the kingdom are coming to meet me, and you’re going to have to be there”
“Serving you.” Merlin said, not entirely sure of what was going on.
“Well, yes, but I think you deserve a promotion, don’t you? Tell me, how would you like being Camelot’s court sorcerer?” Arthur said, smiling widely.
Merlin couldn’t believe it.
“Are you serious?”
“Of course I am, I set up the rooms next to mine, you can start sleeping there, if you’d like” he answered, suddenly a bit nervous, but he disguised it well enough.
“Oh Arthur, thank you so much”
“I’ll take that as a yes. Go off to bed now, we have plenty to do tomorrow”
Merlin walked towards the room’s door and opened it but just as he was leaving, he turned back, hand still on the door handle.
“Arthur”
“Yes?”
“Thank you, I mean it”
“Thank you, for…” he looked to the side for a moment before going on “for changing the way I look at… everything really”
Merlin smiled.
“Good night, my lord”
“Good night, Merlin”