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"THOSE FUCKING MORONS! THAT WAS SUCH A SHITTY CALL!" Jesse raged as he sped up Great Ocean Highway towards Grandpa's. He had no choice, but to watch as Dundee demanded TJ enter the building alone where they thought a member of Sessanta Nove was working.
Jesse knew it was a bad order, but he couldn't say anything when Dundee was like this. He was told to stay on the building across the street to catch anyone watching over the entrance. This is how he was forced to watch the person he cares most about in this world take two to the chest and one to the arm.
The moment those shots rang out, Jesse saw red. The bullets he shot and the red that splattered from their chests as they went down, did not stop him. He needed this fight to end. He had to get to TJ
When the last SN member went down, Jesse wasted not a single second to jump off that roof and grabbed TJ's unconscious body, moving him in the midst of gunfire to his car with only one thought in his mind: save TJ.
He didn't care that they were in the middle of a war.
He didn't care that he would most likely face a huge punishment, quite possibly even death, for rushing away despite commands from the others for him to return.
He didn't care.
There was only TJ.
TJ needed him more.
The car struggled up the mountain, but he'd finally made it to Grandpa's house. Jesse didn't struggle at all while carrying TJ the rest of the way up to the old cabin on the cliffside. The adrenaline of needing to get him treatment spurred his legs on to keep moving,
"Gramps! 2 gun shot wounds to the chest and one in the arm! Please!" Jesse shouted as he slammed open the old man's cabin door. He placed TJ carefully onto the bed and stepped out of the way to let Grandpa do his work. The rules were strict: pay in shungite, don't linger, and get the fuck out until you're told to come back in. So Jesse sat outside on the rickety old decking with a cigarette while he waited.
One cigarette turned into two.
Three.
Four.
The sky was lightening up and still nothing from inside the cabin. He could see a shadow moving about in there from the window so something was happening. Whether it was good or bad, Jesse did not know and the longer it took, the more anxious he became.
"TJ, please," he pleaded into the world in case someone or something was listening.
"Still not hearing anything?" Jesse's eyes moved to the side and wasn't surprised to see Barry standing below him, an unreadable expression on his face.
"No." That was the only answer he could manage without breaking. He could feel the frustration and tears welling up inside of himself. The longer he and Barry stared at each other, the guiltier he felt, but it wasn't guilt towards the club. It was guilt from having something he cared about more than the club and that realization was eating him up inside.
Barry just nodded at Jesse and pulled out a joint. He took a pull from it and wordlessly passed the bud up to Jesse. They smoked in silence as the sun peaked over the top of the mountain.
"You know, Jesse, as a father and a husband, I understand how you're feeling. I do. Seeing my son lying on the ground is never easy especially alone like that. You love him just as I do and I'm truly glad for that. He needed you. He still needs you." Barry's words sank into Jesse's head, but instead of being comforting, he knew what was coming.
"But," Barry began, his voice taking a different tone, a harsher one. "As your Vice Prime Minister, you defied a direct order and for that, there is a punishment."
"I understand." Jesse jumped down from the edge of the deck to be level with Barry. He stood straight up, eyes focused on the horizon, waiting for whatever was coming to him for his insubordination.
The two punches to his stomach were quick, knocking the air out of his chest.
"When you come back to the Billy, act like that hurts a lot more than it does."
"Sure thing, Barry," Jesse coughed out, trying to catch his breath.
Barry looks up to the cabin. "You make sure you bring him home to me safe and sound."
Jesse stood up straight at this request. "Yes, sir."
The Vice PM left him after that and Jesse resumed his watch, this time pacing on the ground below the cabin and finishing up his pack of cigarettes.
He isn't sure how long he has been here waiting, not that it matters. Anything for TJ.
Anything.
"Jesse..."
He almost didn't hear it, thinking it was just a sigh from the wind, but he looked hopefully towards the cabin door nonetheless. TJ stood there, chest and arm bandaged, a little pale, but alive. Jesse pulled himself up the ladder quickly to aid TJ down from Grandpa's deck and into the waiting car, seat already reclined to keep TJ comfortable on their journey. He wordlessly bundled TJ up in his denim jacket and very carefully drove them back to the Billabong.
Getting up the stairs to their house was slow, but Jesse didn't want to risk injuring TJ any further. He led TJ into their bedroom and drew down the covers so he could lay down.
"Do you need anything?" The heavy emotions weighing on Jesse snuck their way into his voice.
"No," TJ responded quietly. "Just you. Please." TJ patted the bed beside him and Jesse followed.
The moment his head landed on the pillow beside TJ's and their hands intertwined, Jesse began to weep. Everything he had been holding in for the past however many hours just leaving him.
The worry.
The fear.
The guilt.
All of it spilling out onto the pillow.
Jesse repeatedly chanting the words "I'm sorry" in between his sobs.
TJ gripped Jesse's hand harder and gave him light kisses on his head, all he could manage to do in his state. "Jesse, it's ok. I'm alive and so are you. No need to be sorry."
"I'm not sorry about that," he gasped, trying to calm himself down, but this had been building for months. The longer and longer TJ was by his side, the more his guilt about his feelings grew. These feelings were traitorous. It could get both of them killed.
Jesse glanced over and met TJ's eyes, looking at him with the same sorrow he felt inside. "TJ..."
"I know, my love. I know." They both knew never to say it out loud. To admit that the only thing that mattered to them in the world was each other would be a terrible mistake, but as long as they knew, it didn't matter.
"I'm the same, Jesse, ok? It's the same for me." TJ managed to smile, pulling Jesse out of his despair. He would do anything for that smile.
He wasn't alone in his guilt, but maybe it wasn't guilt after all. As he laid there, watching TJ's eyes flutter close in exhaustion, he wondered how he could ever feel guilty about TJ. He would keep their secret for their safety, but he vowed to never be ashamed of his feelings for the man next to him ever again. TJ was going to be fine and Jesse felt more inner peace than he had in a long time. With these thoughts, Jesse curled up carefully closer to TJ and fell into a much needed sleep.