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Lan Wangji did not expect to open his eyes and find himself sitting on a rock in a vaguely familiar place.
Not when the last time he went to sleep he was in the Jingshi, agonizing from the pain of the thirty-three strokes of the discipline whip as he tried to hold on to a life he didn't want just so he could do the one thing Wei Ying would have wanted if he would continue in the world: to care for and protect the last sun from the other sects, and even from his own clan.
So, it is normal that the first thing that came to his mind in such a situation was to think that maybe he had died.
Though the lack of pain and the warm core pumping energy in his body forced him to dismiss the thought, and to push away the relief and guilt that surged through him that he'd wished, even for an instant, that that were the case.
It was only when he heard footsteps behind him and came face to face with a figure dressed in black that he knew. He was dreaming.
It was not unusual these days. Not when most of the time he found himself seeking solace in unconsciousness, where while he could put physical pain behind him, regret and self-loathing haunted him in the form of nightmares.
Nightmares where Wei Ying would walk away, fall back because of his incompetence, and disappear into the darkness to the happiness of the rest of the world.
This did not seem to be one of those dreams, as the surroundings were not the same as on that fateful day.
However, Lan Wangji could find no comfort in it. Not when he knew it was only a matter of time before another variable kicked in. One where Wei Ying would yell at him and push him away, only to vanish without so much as giving him a glance, even if he made an effort to call out to him.
Once upon a time long ago in a cave there was a Wei Ying who would babble and panic at the sight of his tears.
Gone was that reality and consolation. Now, no matter how much he cried and begged for forgiveness, he would get nothing but cold indifference and a resentful 'Get lost'. Nothing he hadn't dedicated to Wei Ying before, when Wei Ying was striving to chase after him and yelling 'Lan Zhan' with a bright, carefree smile.
Lan Wangji stared blankly as the ghost of the man he loved approached until he was only a few steps away from him.
-Lan Zhan?- He asked with something akin to concern in his voice.
Lan Wangji did not reply. All of his attention was on the constant 'Lan Zhan' that played over and over in his head. It was nothing new, but it was hard to miss when he received a cold or formal 'Lan Wangji' not so long ago.
Because Wei Ying had yelled his courtesy name in anger at some point, just like he yelled 'Wei Wuxian' when he lost control for the first time since he was 6 years old.
At the time it seemed like the right thing to do, trying to make Wei Ying see that the path he had chosen was not the right one. He should have known better, that the man he knew wouldn't have got there for no reason, but when could he have thought straight when he was drowning in worry? At that time the relief he felt at seeing Wei Ying had been immense, but not lasting. Not when it seemed that it would be inevitable to lose him again, in a perhaps much slower, more painful and inevitable way.
Lan Wangji had cried out as the incandescent teenager he met and stole his heart had been replaced by a man shrouded in hatred and resentment who only seemed to live for revenge, especially since he realized he was the only one who cares, because Jiang Wanyin, the man who called himself his brother and whom Lan Wangji had formed a slightly positive opinion after spending three months at his side looking for Wei Ying, pushed any thoughts of him to the back of his mind as soon as he saw Wen Chao.
Apparently, for him the most important thing was revenge.
-...Han...Lan Zhan!- Wei Ying's voice yelled, snapping him out of his thoughts.
Lan Wangji still did not open his mouth. Not because he didn't want to, but because he knew that as soon as he did, his subconscious would find a way to twist his words and would only make the man he wanted so badly to see leave faster.
So Lan Wangji did not reply. He just drank in the sight of a Wei Ying who, for some reason unknown to him, looked increasingly confused and scared.
Was he worth such concern? Of course not.
Did he feel upset about it? Not again. As unworthy and despicable as he was, and as many rules as he broke, he couldn't help but feel relief and hope. He just wanted to hold on to that care a little longer.
Wei Ying, seeing how he didn't respond in any way, decided to stretch out his hand to grab his wrist.
Lan Wangji could see the wariness in his movements, and that was just another kind of torture. Knowing that there were times he shied away from that touch, not knowing how lucky he was to even have the opportunity to experience it.
Why had he assumed that Wei Ying would not leave? Was it because he hadn't left when he wanted him to at first? Why was he the only one who really knew him and yet he had stayed and persisted in his desire to establish a friendship?
Either way, he wouldn't back away now. Even if it was just a dream, he would let Wei Ying do whatever he wanted.
However, seeing him furrow his brows in uncertainty and then drop him in frustration was more than Lan Wangji could bear.
Unaware of the strange hidden bitterness in Wei Ying's eyes as he looked at his own hand, Lan Wangji decided it would be best to speak his thoughts.
-Wei Ying.- He pronounced with difficulty. There were so many things he wanted to say when he realized that his subconscious had decided to give him a break and be nicer to him, but he decided to start with the most important thing.- I'm sorry.
-Lan Zhan? What's wrong? Why... why are you apologizing? Should I call your brother? Why…?
-Wei Ying.- He interrupted him. As much as he wanted to listen to him talk for hours and days, Lan Wangji couldn't stand his sincerity.- I'm sorry.- He repeated.
'I let you go! I let you die!’ He wanted to scream.
However, he could only manage to get out a simple, "I let you fall". In a voice so soft that it wouldn't be surprising if Wei Ying didn't hear it.
Maybe he didn't want he do.
Lan Wangji tried to hold back his emotions. He didn't want to overwhelm this kind Wei Ying with his failures. Not when he seemed younger and more composed than he had the last time he saw him.
But it was impossible. All the self-control he was praised for and feared had gone with Wei Ying over that cliff, after all, he had always belonged to him. Ever since Lan Wangji had met Wei Wuxian that night on the rooftops, he had had no control over anything. His thoughts, his feelings, his fears, his desires, all overwhelmed him without giving him time to even begin to understand the immensity of the affection he had for someone so loud and different from him, but who shared the same kindness and justice that he wanted to impart and defend. It was only barely that he had managed to show his blank face every time he saw the man.
-Fall…?- Wei Ying muttered confused.- Lan Zhan, you haven't done anything wrong. You've protected me all this time, if it wasn't for you I'd have to worry about anyone who wants to stab me in the back while I finish off the Wens.
At the unexpected but illuminating words, Lan Wangji frowned.
He finally understood where the familiarity with the surroundings came from. This was where he used to come to meditate during the Sunshot campaign. That was why Wei Ying looked different. He was not lost yet, he had not yet crossed the line that the other sects would draw to eradicate him.
That also explained why he was allowed to continue talking and why Wei Ying was still there.
He had to seize the opportunity.
-Wei Ying... I...- Lan Wangji closed his eyes. He was about to say what he had never told anyone, not even his brother, although he probably already knew.
As sympathetic as his brother was to him, there was no way he would allow him to take care of A-Yuan. Not when their relationship had suffered greatly after what had happened. When much of the trust disappeared when he and his uncle approved the punishment on his back.
Lan Wangji had expected it. He was aware of what would await him once he drew his sword to protect Wei Ying in that cave, but it still pained him to see the anger on his uncle's face as he unleashed all his fury on the man who was fairer than any Lan.
-I wanted to jump too.- He finally blurted out.
-Jump? Jump to where?- Wei Ying asked, not as frantic as at first.
Maybe by keeping him talking he thought he was okay.
-The cliff.- Lan Wangji explained patiently as he remembered how his body had surged forward to grab Wei Ying and throw himself once he realized it was a lost cause and what that would mean.
But he did not.
At that moment he remembered. As he watched Wei Ying fall, everything came back to him with such force that he staggered back. All the moments they shared, their vote, the promises, their actions, everything. And, among all of them, he remembered the little boy he met in Yiling.
The only person currently who seemed to light a spark in Wei Ying's eyes. The boy who, with just one interaction, Lan Wangji knew was his son in everything but blood.
What would you call someone who does everything possible to keep you safe even at the cost of their own safety, who feeds you when it means starving, who teaches you and imposes limits, but above all, who gives you all the affection who has left and smiles at you even when it's painful or there's no reason for it? What is that but a father?
Lan Wangji reminded the boy that, with any luck, would hiding and clinging to his life in the chaos that had ensued…and he was no longer able to do so.
-I didn't want to live.- Lan Wangji continued, more to himself this time.- I almost did. I leaned in and when I thought that things would end, I remembered it.- He explained, unable to control the tremor in his hands as he relived that moment in detail again.- I thought of A-Yuan and what would happen to him if I left him alone. It was the right thing to try, I had already broken our promise to live without regrets and I thought… I thought…
'I thought I wouldn't find you if I was wrong again and I wouldn't know how to deal with you if I did'. He didn't say.
How could he when that would only bring him closer to confessing his feelings? Feelings that meant nothing to Wei Ying.
He didn't feel the same. He had made it clear to him that night after Nightless City.
Lan Wangji did not want to impose his longing on this young Wei Ying. But that didn't mean he couldn't clear up a misunderstanding.
That time he tried to save Wei Ying, when he held his hand, he saw it. Wei Ying tried to hide it, but Lan Wangji did not miss his disbelief. He could see the shock and surprise painfully clear, as if it was unbelievable that someone wanted him to live, and even more ridiculous that someone was him.
-Wei Ying.- Lan Wangji murmured with all the sincerity he could muster.- I don't hate you. I never have and never will. You know that, right?- He asked, as he looked up to meet Wei Ying's eyes.
Eyes that he did not expect, were full of tears.
***
Wei Wuxian hadn't had any big plans for tonight. In fact, aside from sneaking away from his brother to avoid another argument over his increasingly frequent disappearances and then confronting him in his sister's presence when they both had a bowl of her soup in hand, there was nothing else to do.
However, when he walked by and caught a glimpse of a white-robed figure sitting in a secluded spot, he decided that talking to Lan Zhan for a bit was not a bad plan.
Yes, things might have been a bit tense since he came back embodying everything the Lan sect disliked, but he liked to think that the man's hatred and distaste for him was still below their sect's etiquette after all, when this get over them, Wei Ying would most likely meet his tragic end being stabbed by Bichen.
Ignoring the pang that thought brought him, he shook his head.
-Lan Zhan!- He yelled as he ran towards him.
Lan Wangji didn't react, which would be nothing out of the ordinary if he will just kept turning his back to him. The thing is, he turned around.
Wei Wuxian walked over and was taken aback by Lan Zhan's gaze on him.
It was as if he had seen a ghost, and then as if he wasn't seeing it at all.
It wasn't the nonchalance he was used to, this was much more…strange.
Wei Wuxian didn't know what Lan Zhan was thinking, but whatever it was affected him far more than he thought possible.
-Lan Zhan?- He called him, hoping that he would tell him what was wrong.
Yes, it was an outlandish thought considering that Lan Zhan would probably want to open up to anyone other than him.
-Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan!- Wei Wuxian yelled again.
If before he felt that things were wrong, now he was sure. Lan Zhan didn't even seem to be listening to him. In fact, he didn't seem at all present.
He was pale and his face was no longer blank.
Taking it all in, he seemed…devastated.
Seeing him like this, Wei Wuxian couldn't help but remember the experience in the Xuanwu cave, as even that time Lan Zhan seemed better than now.
But… that was impossible.
After all, Wei Wuxian couldn't think of anything worse than that time.
That is to say, Lan Zhan's sect had been attacked and the library had been burned to ashes. His uncle and his father had been seriously injured. His brother had been forced into hiding with a group of bastards after him, and if all that wasn't enough, he had to represent his sect in an indoctrination program of the sect responsible for all above while laying down his sword and his leg was broken, all to end up locked in a cave with a Xuanwu of Mortality and Wei Wuxian, with no weapons other than a few bows.
Yes, Wei Wuxian definitely couldn't think of anything worse than that. In fact, the only thing that could compare would be the Burial Mounds, and unless Lan Zhan had found a way to get to Yiling, enter, survive, exit, and return in less than a day, it was impossible to consider the possibility.
Focusing on Lan Zhan again, Wei Wuxian reached out to take his hand very slowly, giving Lan Zhan a chance to walk away.
He hated being touched after all.
The belief that there was something definitely wrong was only cemented in his brain when Lan Zhan didn't back away from him and let him get away with it.
By now, Wei Wuxian was beginning to worry about a monumental qi deviation.
It was only when he took Lan Zhan's wrist and tried to check his energy that he realized it was useless.
For a moment, Wei Wuxian doubted himself. How could he forget, even for a moment, that he no longer had a golden core? How, when the void had been filled with something that felt completely different? When Suibian's continued absence was impossible to ignore, as was weakness and a completely new habit of turning to Chengqing whenever he found himself stressed or bored?
Releasing Lan Zhan's wrist, Wei Wuxian couldn't help but look at his hand bitterly. He tried not to think about it often, but it was impossible to ignore. He was broken.
He couldn't fly, he couldn't fight, and he was a few months or maybe a couple of years away from losing control, or his life, for that matter.
But above all, he couldn't verify that Lan Zhan was alright.
He couldn't help him in case something happened.
He couldn't do anything.
-Wei Ying.- He heard Lan Zhan say with difficulty. As if just saying his name caused him pain, relief, and a thousand other emotions.- I'm sorry.
For a moment, Wei Wuxian thought that he had misheard. There were many things that he expected to come out of Lan Zhan's mouth, and there were even more that he never expected to come out of Lan Zhan's mouth, but an apology… that was in a whole new category. That was the list of things that should never come out of Lan Zhan's mouth.
From his point of view the world would have to apologize before Lan Zhan had to. The man was perfect, a wall of jade that carried a thousands rules on him.
And secondly, even if Lan Zhan needed to apologize, even if it was out of courtesy or politics, it would definitely not be with him, the outcast of the cultivation world.
-Lan Zhan? What's wrong? Why… why are you apologizing? Should I call your brother? Why…?- He started to bombard, hoping to make some sense of the situation.
-Wei Ying.- Lan Zhan interrupted him, thus breaking what he thought was the first rule in years.- I'm sorry. I… I let you fall.- He whispered.
It was then that Wei Wuxian realized that it was indeed a deviation of qi.
After all, Lan Zhan was hallucinating. Seeing or inventing something that was not real.
Fortunately, it did not seem serious, but it did seem strange.
As far as he knew, all qi deviations, no matter how small, tended to make the user violent or hotheaded.
Lan Zhan… was too calm. Emotional and hurt, yes, but calm.
His eyes, though distant, were clearly aware.
-Fall…? Lan Zhan, you haven't done anything wrong. You have protected me all this time, if it wasn't for you I would have to worry about anyone who wanted to stab me in the back while I finish off the Wens.- Wei Wuxian said hoping to reason and make him see reason.
That is the only thing he could do. He was afraid of leaving Lan Zhan vulnerable and alone, even if it was to seek help.
Not when he would take too long.
He thought for a moment of begging Lan Zhan to return to the camp, but he doubted that Lan Zhan would follow him without finishing their conversation.
Wei Wuxian, having kept an eye on Lan Zhan's reaction to his words, did not miss the frown that formed on that pretty face.
For someone who had never dealt with a qi deviation, Wei Wuxian thought he was doing just fine.
Or so it was until Lan Zhan spoke again.
-Wei Ying. I...- He said and closed his eyes, as if what he was going to say next was extremely difficult for him to admit.- I wanted to jump too.
-Jump? Jump to where?- He asked, still at a loss as to what Lan Zhan was talking about, but certainly intrigued.
-The cliff.- Lan Zhan explained patiently, losing himself again in wherever he wanted him to be.
'Or maybe,' said a horrible voice in Wei Wuxian's mind. 'Not where, but when'.
Wei Wuxian was unable to react immediately. Lan Zhan's words certainly painted a horrible scenario in his head.
Imagining Lan Zhan standing by a cliff wanting to jump… it made him desperate to the point that for a moment he wanted to hold on to Lan Wangji's hand and never let go again.
-I didn't want to live.- Lan Zhan continued, ignoring the impact his words were having on Wei Wuxian.
Because the horrible scenario in his head became much worse when Lan Zhan's always impassive face was deformed into a familiar emptiness, into a despair so great that he no longer wanted to get up and continue living.
He was there. In the burial mounds. There were many times when he thought of giving up, when he thought it was foolish to resist. After all, once someone enters that place, they never come back.
But Lan Zhan… he was always stronger than him. Wei Wuxian couldn't think of anything that would make him give up. Leaving his brother, his uncle, and his beloved ruler... to die.
Wei Wuxian was sure that even if he lost his brother he would recover. He would take time, but he would do it. He wouldn't be the same, but he would survive.
-I almost did. I leaned in and when I thought things would end I remembered. I thought about A-Yuan and what would happen to him if I left him alone. It was the right thing to try, I had already broken our promise to live without regrets and I thought... I thought...
He did not finish.
And Wei Wuxian couldn't seem to ask him to do it.
Whatever was happening to Lan Zhan, it was not a qi deviation.
What was in his voice, the pain, the weariness, the loneliness... it was all too real, too raw. It was not as if Lan Zhan was telling him a dream or a fantasy, he was remembering.
Remembering how he once was about to jump off a cliff.
How he was about to leave this world, his uncle, his brother. To him.
Despite being in the midst of war, despite seeing Lan Zhan injured and wounded, Wei Wuxian realized that he never thought that he would die.
For some reason, deep down he always thought that Lan Zhan couldn't die. Perhaps it was because when he first saw him dressed in white moving gracefully in the moonlight he seemed too ethereal, as if he were not a human like himself, but an immortal descending from the heavens to mete out justice and help others most weaks. A true bearer of light.
It was only now that Wei Wuxian realized that, in his mind, he would always die before Lan Zhan. A thought that only became more apparent in his current circumstances.
However, now he couldn't ignore the question, what would a world be like without Lan Zhan in it?
And he definitely didn't like the answer.
A world without Lan Zhan in it… it was a place he would never want to imagine again. It was a place he couldn't live in. The very thought that he would never hear people talk about second place in the young cultivator rankings again, that no matter how many white-robed people he caught a glimpse of, it would never be the one he wanted to see and call, that the only person who didn't he feared and treated him sincerely for he followed the stupid and honorable rule of 'not lying' he would be gone forever... it was too much for him.
Wei Wuxian realized that he didn't want to and couldn't let go the Lan Zhan's handsome face, the sight of his forehead ribbon swaying in the wind, the simples 'Mn's' he gave him when he talked and talked nonstop, not for courtesy, but because he really listened. The constants 'ridiculous' or 'shameless' he gave him when he pushed his buttons.
Yes, Wei Ying definitely couldn't be without Lan Zhan. Just as there is no light without darkness, or yin without yang.
-Wei Ying.- Lan Zhan murmured softly and sincerely.- I don't hate you. I never have and never will. You know that, don't you?- He asked, at the same time that he fixed his golden eyes on Wei Wuxian's silver ones.
However, he couldn't see it. His eyes, he realized, were blurred with tears.
At some point, he had begun to cry.
Having been carried away by those terrible thoughts, Wei Wuxian (finally) realized why his heart ached so much.
He was in love with Lan Zhan. He loved him so much that he couldn't bear to be without him.
And he…had to tell him.
Because Lan Zhan had to know. He need to know that he couldn't die because if he did it would take him too and that would devastate his brother and sister, in the same way that Lan Zhan would devastate to Zewu-Jun.
-Wei Ying?- Lan Zhan called him, who had left the stone he had been sitting on behind and had somehow managed to end up standing in front of him.
-Lan Zhan.- Wei Wuxian sobbed, clinging to Lan Wangji's robes as if he were clinging to life.
Which, perhaps, was close enough to be true.
-Lan Zhan, Lan Zhan, you are forbidden to die, do you hear me? I forbid you! If you do, I... I...
Lan Wangji, taken aback by Wei Ying's sudden state, pushed aside any thoughts he might have about this 'dream' and did what he had always wanted to do.
Lifting his arms he fused Wei Wuxian's thin body into a tight and desperate embrace.
He wasn't ready for it to be reciprocated.
-I won't die.- Lan Wangji promised after stroking Wei Wuxian's back and getting him to calm down.
Wei Wuxian buried his head in Lan Zhan's chest and breathed in the soothing scent of Sandalwood.
-Lan Zhan if you… me too.- Wei Wuxian admitted, not being able to say the word 'die' next to that name in the same sentence.- I will follow you, because I… towards you I…
Wei Wuxian hesitated. Feeling Lan Wangji's body suddenly tense up, he was unable to continue.
-Wei Ying.- Lan Zhan urged him, and it was only the plea and the intensity of his name that led him to put into words what was always growing in a dark and imperceptible corner inside him.
-I love you, I adore you, I... I'll be whatever you want me to be. It can only be you, I don't want anyone but you. I want to hunt at night with you for the rest of my life, I want...
This time, he also couldn't finish because Lan Zhan, or specifically, Lan Zhan's mouth prevented him.
Wei Wuxian didn't know exactly how it happened, but one moment he was conffesing, and the next not.
He couldn't continue because a warm, soft, and slippery sensation on his lips stopped him.
'What...?' He thought before finally understanding.
He was being kissed.
Lan Zhan... was kissing him.
Realizing that, Wei Wuxian no longer bothered to think. The desperation he had felt throughout their conversation took over.
With one hand still clinging to Lan Wangji's robe, Wei Wuxian brought the other to the back of his neck and, with a surprisingly firm and rough grip, pulled the other man even closer, trying to tell him, wordlessly this time, that he wanted him more close. That he would never want to let go of it. That this was where he belonged.
Lan Zhan, maybe understanding him, or maybe not, still let him know that he didn't feel any different.
How could he when his hands seemed about to squeeze the life out of Wei Wuxian?
'He could do it' The latter thought as he opened his mouth and allowed Lan Wangji to take everything he, now he realized, always wanted to give him.
-Wei Ying.- Lan Zhan murmured once neither of them could resist the lack of oxygen in their lungs.
-Lan Zhan... are you alright? - Wei Wuxian asked quickly, remembering that, until just a few moments ago, he seemed to have been in some kind of qi deviation.
-I...- He began before stopping and frowning.- I don't understand.
It was only after a while that Wei Wuxian understood.
What had happened to Lan Zhan.
What had happened to himself.
What would happen if he made the wrong decisions.
And, more importantly, what Lan Zhan had done and would do for him.
Hugging the warm and confident figure dressed with white, Wei Wuxian finally smiled.
Not a grimace. Not an attempt. But a real and bright smile.
The same that one night several years ago had stolen the heart of a certain Lan.
And the same one, they both realized, they would hope to keep together in the future.
Lan Wangji because he treasured it more than anything.
And Wei Wuxian because he realized that this one and the love in his eyes was all it ever took to make Lan Wangji smile.