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When people look up to you, you don’t get to be selfish.
Vi kicked a random rock on the sidewalk and took a drag of her cigarette. In her pocket, her right hand was closed in a tight fist, ignoring the soreness of her joints. She hadn’t mean do be selfish, she just had had enough with those assholes and their fucking homophobic name calling. How come she had to protect Powder from everything but had to let everyone else walk on her?
She’s counting on you, you can’t act rashly anymore.
Vander had said those exact words to her barely a couple hours ago, and here she was, acting rashly anyway. If she had to be a disappointment, she might as well do it thoroughly. She had left the house through her bedroom’s window as soon as Powder fell asleep, quickly jumping in a pair of jeans and her red jacket. For a moment, she had thought of leaving her phone behind but couldn’t bring herself to do it. The what ifs were too dangerous to take that sort of risk. But it had yet to receive any kind of notifications for now, so Vi kept on walking in the night, trusting her feet to find a quiet place for her to sulk. Not that there was anyone outside with her. It was past midnight on a Wednesday and this town wasn’t known to be particularly lively. The wind started to grow stronger and she sent a threatening glare to the sky. The last thing she needed was for the rain to start pouring. With her luck, she would fall ill and it would only add yet another proof of her responsibility.
“Fuck” she mumbled at the moon in a exhale of smoke.
She didn’t mean to be like that, she didn’t mean to make a mess of everything. Of course she loved her sister, of course she was the most important and precious thing in her world. She never meant to bring any harm in her life. She would give everything for her, everything if it meant Powder could have the kind of life she deserved. And yet… here she was… walking away from her, walking away from her responsibility, failing her one more time. Sure, she’d be back before dawn. Sure, she’d prepare her breakfast, make sure she had all her school stuff and then walk her to her class. But right now, she has chosen to leave her. She couldn’t be near her, she couldn’t be under the same roof as Vander. She swore she could feel his disappointment from her room. She was suffocating there. Not that she was feeling that much better out there, but at least here she was by herself. If she were any good with words, she could wax poetry about her life and feeling, but she was shit with words and her only thought was fuck it . The “it” itself remained unclear, but she was definitely done with it. She swiftly finished her cigarette, throwing the butt on the ground and reached for her headphones.She plugged them in her phone and put a random song on. She cranked the volume up until her thoughts could no longer be heard and picked up her pace. She had to get away… Finally looking at her surroundings she made her choice. She turned left between two buildings, climbed a fence and broke into a small run to gather enough momentum to jump. No thoughts, only muscle memory and loud music in her ears. She climbed her way to the roof and kept jumping. At first, it had been a stupid dare with Mylo, but it had quickly become her favourite thing to do. Clagg said it was parkour, a real thing that people did, but she didn’t really care. It was something she could do where no one could follow her. It was her thing. When she was running and jumping from roof to roof, she could pretend that the whole city was hers, hers only. Vander didn’t know about it, even though he had to drive her to the hospital once for a missed landing. But now, she didn”t hurt herself so much, and the night was hers. Wind on her skin, with only the stars as witnesses of her newly reclaimed freedom.
At last, she had to stop and gather her breath, so she leaned against a chimney and got her phone out. No texts. Past 1am. She should get back.
you don’t get to be selfish!
With a sigh, she contemplated taking the same path home, but she had to admit she was tired, it wouldn’t be safe. Also, walking home would take more time, so that was a nice plus. She climbed her way down the building and looked around. She had made it to the nicer district of the town, Piltover. A bunch of filthy riches that thought they owned the world because they probably did. She usually avoided lingering there, except when she did some light pick pocketing with Clagg. Even in the night, the tall houses seemed to look down on her with contempt. She started walking, her fists back in the pockets of her jacket, music slightly lower than before in her ears. She bet the biggest issue those people had was to chose their clothes for stupid gala. Or maybe deciding whether to eat cupcakes or… whatever rich people eat. She snorted at herself, she couldn’t even mock them properly because she lacked the reference of their richness. It was ridiculous.
At one point, she realized she was lost. Not used to this part of the city and too lazy to use Maps, she had missed her turn and was now faced to an unfamiliar park. The street lamps were still on, which, again, only rich people could afford to light unused places all night long. In an act of sheer defiance, she jumped the fence and walked through it. She had no real plan, didn’t have time to lose in petty vandalism, but her mere presence there was enough to make her smug. Also, it was quite a nice park. They didn’t have so much… green stuff in her part of the city. The grass seemed so green she could bet some dude watered it more times a day than she had a meal. Her disdain threatened to grow to anger, but she felt too tired for that. She just wished that… she didn’t even know what to wish for.
Something caught her eyes and she was startled. She wasn’t alone. She immediately stilled. A single silhouette on the bench several feet in front of her, not showing any signs of threat yet. A single path. She could still turn around, maybe whoever was there wouldn’t notice her, otherwise she would have to run. With a head start, she would be quicker. A plan was making itself in her mind when her brain noticed something weird. The stranger was… crying? Shit, they were definitely crying, Vi could now hear some sniffling. So, clearly not an immediate threat. She could leave. But when her feet decided to move, they brought her closer to the stranger.
“Hmmn, you’re alright?” she heard herself ask when she stopped again at the other extremity of the bench. She removed her headphones and stuffed them in her pocket.
The silhouette, who appeared to be a girl, finally noticed her. She looked up, puffy red eyes and running nose and frowned.
“This is a private property, you shouldn’t be there” she declared, straightening her back and adjusting her hair as if she hadn’t just been caught in the midst of a crying episode.
“Neither should you” Vi retorted, crossing her arms and leaning against the bench.
“My parents own the park, I’m allowed here.”
Vi rolled her eyes and made herself at home, choosing to sit on the back of the bench. “Of course they do,” she mumbled. She took out a cigarette and lit it carefully as she looked more closely at the girl. Expensive jeans, thick sweater, clean boots. Her entire outfit screamed Pilty. Her face looked nice too despite the obvious tears. Fucking Pilties and their good genes.
“You shouldn't smoke, it’s bad for you, especially at such a young age.” Her accent and obvious tendancy to lecture people were pretty big giveaways too.
Vi didn’t bother herself with an answer, just exhaling her smoke away from the girl -she still had some manners, mind you. The night had grown colder, dark clouds hidding jealously the stars.
“Are you just going to sit there without an explanation?”
“Yeah, I think so,” Vi admitted with a smirk. It was a good spot, she had to give her that. The view was a nice change from her usual ones on the roofs, and even she could appreciate trees and flowers and shit. “You can keep on crying, I won’t bother you.”
“I was not-” the girl started but stopped at Vi’s glare. With a scoff, she crossed her arms and looked away.
They sat in silence for a moment, and though the girl seemed content enough like this, Vi felt herself grow restless.
“So, wanna tell me what got your knickers twisted?” she asked just to fill the air. She didn’t really give a damn about Pilties’ problem, but she wasn’t there to listen to her thoughts. She had done that enough.
“Nothing.”
“Yeah, sure.” Alright, she was done with that conversation, Vi decided. She wouldn’t waste her time with that girl, not when she had still to go back home to Powder. “Well, it was a blast” she stated as she jumped from her seat.
“I couldn’t sleep, if you have to know. I couldn’t sleep and it was like I was drowning, so I had to get away.”
That stopped Vi. She shifted on her feet, looking at the dirt on her sneakers.
“Like your thoughts were too loud and there wasn’t enough air?” She said in a breath, not really a whisper, but her voice had lost the bite it previously had.
The girl nodded, but Vi didn’t see her, her eyes focused on the nervous twitch of her thumb against her index.
“I gather you felt the same?” she asked, the tilt in her words sounding softer than it should.
“Yeah, shitty night, shitty thoughts.”
With a sigh, Vi let herself fall back on the bench. They were closer than before, their knees occasionnaly brushing against each other as Vi’s leg kept bouncing. What was she still doing there?
When people look up to you, you don’t get to be selfish. She’s counting on you, you can’t act rashly anymore. When will you understand you have to get your shit together?
A hand fell on her knee to stop her movment and she looked up, startled. She hated when random people touch her, was it a brush in a crowd or a casual handshake. She didn’t like to be touched by strangers, especially when her mind was such a mess. But this girl’s touch… it didn’t say ownership, nor did it feel disdainful or hypocritical. The hand was warm, she could feel it through her jeans. It didn’t lay heavily on her and wasn't closed around her either. It kinda just rested there, a simple contact, a single point of connection between them. Her eyes were fixated on her, silently asking if it was okay, and because of that alone, Vi nodded once. Vi didn’t like physical contact, but maybe just this once she could allow it.
The girl’s eyes were blue, and she could bet that had she not been crying, they would have been the bluest eyes she’d ever seen. The type of blue poets wrote about and shit. Not that she cared. She didn’t.
“Would you like to talk about it?” The girl proposed, her thumb drawing small circles on her knee.
“Would you?” It was supposed to be a snappy answer to end the conversation, but it came out, if not kindly, softly enough to prompt a tentative shrugg from the girl. Her eyes became misty again and she quickly looked away, wiping her cheeks with her other hand.
“You’ll laugh at me” she guessed and Vi simply nodded.
“Probably.” The girl chuckled, her smile revealing an adorable tooth gap that Vi absolutely needed to see again soon. She had to make her truly laugh.
“You’re really not from there, are you?” There wasn’t any judgment in her voice, it was more contemplative, like Vi being here was some sort of miracle.
“What gave me away?” she sassed back with a raised eyebrow. “But, you can still tell me,” she added.
Her hand left her knee to run through her hair, briefly holding them in a ponytail before changing her mind and letting the straight dark locks fall back on her shoulder. In the soft light of the public lighting, her hair appeared to have some subtle blue highlights. Vi wondered if they looked the same under the sun.
“I suppose I could say that I’m exhausted.” She let out a depreciative snort behind her hand before blinking away treatious tears. “I’m truly, utterly, exhausted. It shouldn’t be so hard, I shouldn’t be so weak but I’m crumbling under their expectations. I’m not enough and I no longer know how to be?”
Her gaze found hers again, and it was pleading, pleading Vi to find the answer, to give her an answer to her uncertain thoughts. But what could she say? It wasn’t as if she knew any better. So she kept her mouth shut, and gave her the space to keep speaking, to voice doubts that weirdly made sense to her too.
“Have you ever felt so detached from your body that you don’t feel like it’s your own anymore? Like you’re watching someone else moving and speaking and- living a life that’s yours only in theory?” Vi nodded slowly and struggled to swallow the knot in her throat. Who was that girl who could so easily put words on such big feelings?
“Like you’re living for someone else,” she blurted out, encouraged by the raw vulnerability in the girl’s eyes. A tight lips smile agreed with her, so she went on, feeling a new sort of bravery running in her blood. A different kind of rush than the running and jumping around kind, something calmer but not less vibrant. “I’m… scared” she confessed in a whisper, her eyes zeroing on the angular line of the girl’s nose. “I’m scared I’ll never get to be just me.”
And fuck, she was the one who felt on the verge of crying now. Not that she would. She would not. She wasn’t the type of girl who cried over stuff like that… Admittedly, she wasn’t usually the type to have deep conversations about feelings with random girls in the middle of the night. And as she felt a lone tear on her cheek, she thought maybe just this once.
“I’m afraid I’ll never get to find who the real me is.” The girl’s confession answered hers and Vi finally looked up in her eyes. Without thinking, she brought a hand to her cheek and let her thumb wipe a couple of tears. Of course her skin was soft, that was a given for a Pilty. What surprised Vi the most was her own softness. The girl closed her eyes and leaned her face against her hand for the smallest second ever before reaching with her own hand toward Vi’s face. Her brain urged her to tense at the incoming touch, but not a single cell in her body seemed to care. It was the opposite, really. Her skin tingled before even having been touched. Vi let her eyes close and shivered when the hand didn't stop at her cheek but nestled in the shaved side of her hair. It felt nice. It was nice. She breathed deeply, a subtle scent of something flowery coming to her nose. The gravity seemed to shift and her body grew heavier. Maybe, if she leaned closer… Maybe if she kept her eyes closed… Maybe if they were in a different world…
“Who are you?” the girl wondered in a whisper, waking up Vi from the spell she had unknowingly cast upon her.
“No one from your world,” she exhaled, as her eyes found her reddish lips. “I should go,” she declared finally, forcing her body to stand.
She immediately felt cold but refused to consider why. She had done enough soul searching for a couple years.
“Wait, I-”
“It’s been real, Cupcake.”
Vi turned around and left, not trusting herself to linger a second longer, lest she learnt the girl’s name and offer promises she couldn’t keep. So she walked away at a steady pace, jumping over the fence for a second time, letting the night close over her silhouette as she left behind her Piltover and all its treasures.
Unbeknownst to her, the girl in the park stayed there for another hour before finding her way back to her bed. And she would come back several times, hoping against reason that the night would bring her back the mysterious girl with pinkish hair and gray eyes, with rough hands and raw pain. Hoping against hope itself that their path would align themselves to give them the chance to learn who they were with the other by their side.