Work Text:
1 - INT. MARKETING OFFICE - MORNING
HAJIME, a Brazilian-Japanese transgender man, 37, enters the office, hand clutching his suitcase.
KAZUICHI, a pink-haired Japanese man, 36, puts an arm around HAJIME’S shoulder.
KAZUICHI
(excitedly)
What’s up, soul bro! Sleep well?
Hajime looks at him annoyed, his eyes have dark circles.
HAJIME
(sarcastically)
I’ll tell you when I wake up.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
KAZUICHI
(whining)
Wake up already and tell me then!
FUYUHIKO, a bleach-blond Japanese man, 37, comes into shot.
FUYUHIKO
(annoyed)
You two make me regret waking up every morning.
Hajime escapes Kazuichi’s grasp and sits at his desk. He looks at Fuyuhiko with a smirk.
HAJIME
(mockingly)
You know you *love* us, we’re the only thing entertaining you at work after all.
Fuyuhiko sighs and rubs his temples.
FUYUHIKO
(gruff fondness)
You’re right about that. . . Fucking hell. . .
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
CHIAKI, a Bangladeshi-Japanese bigender person, 38, is typing at the desk next to Fuyuhiko.
CHIAKI
(tired)
You guys can be so noisy in the morning.
(yawns)
It’s Monday morning, how are you so lively?
Her head falls down, almost hitting the keyboard before she jolts back up.
IBUKI, a Filipino-Japanese non-binary person, 37, spins in her chair and stops it to look at CHIAKI.
IBUKI
(giddy)
Chiaki-chaaaan!! Don’t fall asleep at work again! You don’t want Byakuya-chan to get mad, do ya??
[AUDIENCE CLAPS AND CHEERS.]
Note: IBUKI is a legendary actress and singer, she is playing herself.
BYAKUYA, a person with no discernable traits, appears behind the group.
BYAKUYA
You guys were talking about me? Weren’t you?
Ibuki jumps in her seat and Chiaki look over at them, unsurprised.
IBUKI
(scared)
Where did you come from?!?!? Ibuki’s ears are top-notch, how did Ibuki not hear you walk over here?!?
BYAKUYA
(stone-faced)
I am a person of many surprises. I’ve done things you cannot even fathom.
CHIAKI
(thoughtful)
Like playing chess with a horse, probably. . .
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
BYAKUYA
(slight delight)
Huh.
(pause)
You’re not too far off in complete honesty.
(chuckle)
Get back to work, no more fun and games.
Byakuya goes back to their desk.
HAJIME
(distressed)
Chiaki, why would you make a joke like that in front of the boss? You know how they are. . .
CHIKAI
(confused)
It wasn’t even that bad, chill out Hajime.
FUYUHIKO
Yeah, calm down Hajime. It’s really not that big of a deal, it’s not like it was one of Hiyoko’s or Teruteru’s jokes.
The group shudders, they are fearful of those people.
HAJIME
(defensive)
I *like* Hiyoko’s jokes.
The others look at him with questioning looks.
HAJIME (CONT’D)
(sigh)
Oh, well, maybe my humor was ruined by my brother.
KAZUICHI
Fan of dark humor, huh?
(irritated)
Hiyoko makes such specific roasts it sounds too planned for my liking. . .
FUYUHIKO
I think you just don’t plan anything out, man.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
HIYOKO, a short Japanese woman, 40, appears next to the group.
HIYOKO
(enraged)
I heard Grease Trap over here talking shit about me.
Hiyoko pulls Kazuichi down by the arm, so she can reach his forehead to flick.
[AUDIENCE OOOOHS.]
HIYOKO (CONT’D)
(satisfied)
Next time, don’t talk shit about me, or else I’ll make your bubble gum hair get stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Hiyoko drags Kazuichi by the wrist to her desk.
HIYOKO (CONT’D)
(mischievously)
Come on, loser, you gotta do half my paperwork since you insulted my jokes.
Kazuichi looks to his friends for help but doesn’t receive any. He only gets looks of pity.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
HAJIME
(amused)
She is hilarious, I don’t get how you guys don’t see that.
CHIAKI
We are normal, Hajime.
FUYUHIKO
(gruff annoyance)
Chi is right, you’re a fucking weirdo.
Hajime gives Fuyuhiko a deadpan stare.
HAJIME
Says the guy who was born into an “illegal crime syndicate”. All crime is illegal, ya know.
FUYUHIKO
(upset)
Look here, asshat! Not everyone can come from the most basic ass nuclear family with 2.5 kids!
HAJIME
(confused)
2.5 kids. . . Where is the half kid exactly?
FUYUHIKO
(cheeky)
Your brother is so skilled he has the brain power of two whole people. So to answer your question, he’s standing right in front of me.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
BYAKUYA
(leaderly)
Listen up, everyone!
Everyone in the Marketing Team is in the shot, they are looking at their department head.
BYAKUYA (CONT’D)
Ms. Nevermind and her secretary Mx. Komaeda will be coming here today to view all of your pitches for next month’s marketing campaign.
(pause)
Please, be on your best behavior, these are the people who pay you. We will be meeting in the regular meeting room for these pitches. They are coming into the department at noon, so be ready by then.
Byakuya sits back down, they are done talking.
CHIAKI
(contemplative)
Wow, the CEO and her secretary are coming to judge us.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
HAJIME
(frustrated)
No, Chiaki, they are just going to come to see what we have to offer as employees. It’s not that big of a deal when you think of it.
FUYUHIKO
(pensive)
Maybe don’t overthink it much then.
[LAUGH TRACKS PLAYS.]
FADE OUT. CUT TO COMMERCIAL.
1 - EXT. COCO-COLA MUSIC VENUE MAIN STAGE - 8 P.M.
The stage is bright, with neon lights and music blaring. The venue is at full capacity.
Ibuki is on stage, singing her latest single “The Constant Stomach Pains Never Stop and I Don’t Know What to Do About Them”.
FADE OUT.
2 - BACKSTAGE - LATE NIGHT
Ibuki is holding her stomach, she is in pain. Then one of her bandmates sits next to her, BANDMATE 3.
BANDMATE 3
(concerned)
Oh, Ibuki. . . Having stomach problems again?
Ibuki looks at her bandmate, her face painted with pain.
IBUKI
(constipated)
Yes, Ibuki is in major pain! Ibuki wishes something could make the pain go away!
BANDMATE 3
Oh, but Ibuki there is!
Bandmate 3 holds up a bottle of Avril L. The camera focuses on the bottle.
BANDMATE 3 (V.O.)
(informative)
Avril L. is a new adominial pain relief pill. While our competitors offer 12-hour relief. With just one dose of Avril L, relief lasts up to 24 hours! That's 24 hours of abdominal pain relief!
3 - INT. AFTERSHOW - LATE NIGHT
Ibuki is having fun with her friends and fans at the aftershow.
BANDMATE 3 (V.O)
Avirl L. is not meant for people who suffer from IBS, people who smoke, or people pregnant or planning to become pregnant. Before taking Avril L. ask your doctor if Avril L. is right for you.
Ibuki is holding a bottle of Avirl L. she looks in good health.
IBUKI
(relieved)
Thanks to Avirl L. I can get back to doing what I love without the constant pain of existing.
Ibuki holds the bottle towards the camera and smiles.
IBUKI (V.O)
Avirl L. Sold at FlorMart and Wallreds.
FADE OUT. CUT BACK TO “THE JABBERWOCK MISADVENTURES”.
2 - INT. MARKETING MEETING ROOM B
Small room with 15 chairs and a large desk, a projector hanging from the ceiling, and one wall has a tarp on it.
The Marketing Team is seated in their chairs, waiting for the CEO and her secretary to arrive.
BYAKUYA
(pensive)
Remember everyone, don’t embarrass me in front of the CEO and her secretary, or else I’ll make sure you guys feel the same shame I feel every day for the rest of your lives.
AKANE, an Ethiopian-Japanese woman, 40, leans back in her chair with her feet on the table.
AKANE
(jovial)
We already work for you, Byakuya.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
BYAKUYA
(exasperated)
I can change that you know.
AKANE
(pleased)
But ya’ won’t! Ya’ love us too much, admit it, boss man!
MAHIRU, a Scottish-Japanese transgender woman, 41, is standing next to the door on the lookout for the CEO and her secretary.
MAHIRU
(cautious)
Everyone get in position! I can see them down the hall!
Mahiru rushes over to her chair and sits politely and professionally. The rest of the Marketing Team are cleaning themselves up and preparing for their arrival.
SONIA, a Hungarian demigirl, 39, steps into the room. She is the CEO of “Jabberwock Inc.”
SONIA
(regal)
Hello, Jabberwock Marketing Team! As you already know, me and Nagito are here to review your pitches for next month’s marketing campaign!
NAGITO, a Hungarian-Japanese agender person, 39, closes the door behind him as he enters. He is CEO’s secretary.
NAGITO
(courteous)
Good afternoon, thank you for your hospitality!
Byakuya stands up from their chair, motioning to the seats next to them.
BYAKUYA
(humble)
Please, take a seat and we will begin our presentations.
Sonia and Nagito sit down next to Byakuya. Sonia whispers something in Nagito’s ear making him pull out a small laptop. He puts on his reading glasses.
SONIA
Nagito here is going to take notes on all of your pitches. Whichever he and I like the most.
(whisper)
That is also most finically viable. . .
(regular volume)
Will be chosen has next month’s campaign and the person behind it will be next month’s head of marketing.
Everyone in the room looks at the duo mouths agape. Byakuya is pale.
BYAKUYA
(shaken)
What do you mean by that, Ms. Nevermind?
SONIA
(unbothered)
Whoever’s pitch we chose, they will lead the marketing department for a month to make sure their campaign can get done without any creative disturbances.
(pause)
Don’t worry, Mr. Togami, you are still the head of the marketing department. You’d just have a friend to help you for a month!
Byakuya clenches his fists under the table.
BYAKUYA
(frustrated, but calm)
What.
(pause)
A fun idea you came out with, Ms. Nevermind.
SONIA
(confused)
Oh, no! I musn’t take the credit! Nagito came up with that idea!
NAGITO
(chipper)
I thought it would be a fantastic idea to bring out everyone’s hopes that way! Collaboration of such great minds would go leaps and bounds for this company. Imagine the type of campaign you’d make with such a thing!
BYAKUYA
(taken-aback)
If you think so Mx. Komaeda, I think it would be interesting to see. . .
NAGITO
Of course, you do! The plot calls for it anyway.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
NAGITO (CONT’D)
(amused)
See they agree too!
The Marketing Team look at him with perplexed expressions.
SONIA
(exasperated)
Pay him no mind, we’re looking to get him a doctor soon.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
Nagito is laughing, making everyone uncomfortable. The Marketing Team pretended to become unbothered.
SONIA (CONT’D)
(calm)
Okay, who wants to start their pitch?
Ibuki jumps up and down in her chair and stands up suddenly, throwing her arm in the air.
IBUKI
(excited)
Ibuki does!! Ibuki has a *great* presentation!!
Ibuki goes to the main computer and starts her presentation, then grabs the remote off the table.
IBUKI (CONT’D)
Okay so!
The tarp is displayed with a picture of the product next to famous musical artists. There is an animated fire GIF on the bottom of the screen, with other sparkly accents abound.
IBUKI (CONT’D)
Let’s get some big-name celebrity to endorse our product! It’d be flashy and totally in!! We’d get a larger young adult demographic too.
Ibuki clicks a button on the remote to change the image on the tarp. It displays an image of the famous idol, SAYAKA.
IBUKI (CONT’D)
(confident)
Plus, I can get Sayaka Maizono to do the ad campaign!
The group looks at her stunned.
SONIA
(amazed)
You can get Sayaka Maizono to do the ad? That would be wonderful! Wouldn’t it be, Nagito?
Nagito is typing something on the computer and looks up at the group.
NAGITO
(delighted)
A woman of her talent would be amazing to utilize, yes.
BYAKUYA
(astounded)
Ibuki, are you *sure*, you can get Sayaka Maizono to do the ad campaign?
Ibuki stands proudly with her hands on her hips.
IBUKI
(snarky)
Let’s just say I have connections.
[LAUGH TRACKS PLAYS.]
NAGITO
(laughs)
Sounds like it. Great presentation, Ms. Mioda.
(pause)
Who’s next?
Hajime stood up.
HAJIME
(anxious)
I’m ready.
(whisper)
Let’s get this shit over with. . .
Hajime goes to the main computer and starts his presentation. He clicks a button on the remote. An image pops up on the tarp, it is a pie chart about the company’s race demographics.
HAJIME (CONT’D)
(sweating)
Okay so, our company is very popular with all types of people.
He presses the button again. The screen now shows a pie chart of the company’s age demographic.
HAJIME (CONT’D)
Even younger people love our product. Even though our product is hundreds of years old, being around the same age as the town of Jabberwock itself. It seems like everyone here loves it.
(assertive)
Even those around the world love our product.
He presses the button again, showing a pie chart of the company’s different international divisions and demographics.
Everyone in the room looks bored out of their mind.
HAJIME (CONT’D)
(distressed)
Ummm.
(pause)
My pitch is we should show off our diverse pool of people. We have divisions in almost every country, we even have one in Antarctica!
(chuckle)
If that doesn’t show our reach, I don’t know what does.
NAGITO
(joyous)
Isn’t that wonderful? I loved visiting the Prime Minister of Antarctica! She was so cool.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
NAGITO (CONT’D)
(giggle)
I am glad they find my jokes funny.
Everyone in the room looks at him weirdly, and Sonia looks ready to smack him.
HAJIME
(dumbstruck)
There is a Prime Minister of Antarctica?
Sonia gives Nagito a warning glare.
NAGITO
(nonchalant)
What are you even talking about, Mr. Hinata? I never said a thing.
(demanding)
Go on, continue your pitch. Might be interesting soon.
HAJIME
(annoyed)
Right.
(pause)
Anyways, we can use our wide range of diversity to better market our brand.
Hajime presses the button aggressively. In doing so, the projector hanging from the ceiling falls. It nearly misses Nagito’s head, landing on his laptop in front of him on the table. Everyone looks over in a panic, Hajime is shell-shocked. Sonia is unbothered, not reacting.
NAGITO
(untroubled)
Ah.
(giggle)
Don’t worry too much, everyone! This happens often, it’s just my awful luck!
SONIA
(airy)
Yes, he calls it his “luck cycle”. Don’t ask about it, it doesn’t need to be explained.
(tense)
Please.
BYAKUYA
(shaken-up)
I see.
(pause)
That was a rather surprising incident. Don’t you think you should leave and make sure Mx. Komaeda is okay?
NAGITO
(easy going)
Oh! It’s fine, Mr. Togami! But, you’re right in a way. I would need a new laptop for notes! I forgot to bring a notepad. Just my luck!
[AUDIENCE CHANTS ‘JUST MY LUCK’.]
NAGITO (CONT’D)
(unsurprised)
Oh, that’s my catchphrase now? Not what I’d pick, but sure.
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
SONIA
(exasperated)
Let’s just go, Nagito.
(cheery)
We will do this another time, alrighty everyone? We will return tomorrow to hear more pitches.
NAGITO
(excited)
This place is fun, might just come here more often for fun!
SONIA
(annoyed)
Don’t get too excited there. You need to calm down, let’s get you to bed.
Sonia pushes Nagito out the door as he laughs.
The Marketing Team watches as Sonia closes the door behind them. They all look at each other confused.
BYAKUYA
(exhausted)
Well, now we’ll always have something happening in the Marketing Department with those two around.
HAJIME
(drained)
There is always something, isn’t there?
[LAUGH TRACK PLAYS.]
FADE OUT.