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"Harry, where are you?"
"I'm in the study."
"What are you doing lying on the couch? Harry, are you okay? Don't tell me. Let me guess. Bad day in fandom?"
"How'd you know?"
"Well, Potter. You only get that 'I hate people' look when you've got sucked into some wank about fandom. What is it now and by the way how many shots have you consumed?"
"Just three...um, in the last fifteen minutes."
"Budge over. So what is it? What happened?"
"We're old."
"What? We're not old. Hell, I'm only thirty and you're about to be. Don't tell me you forgot that wizards live longer than Muggles."
"No. I mean we're passé. We're has-beens."
"What? I can't believe that. I see hundreds of stories still being written about us."
"I don't know, Draco. It's just when I look at my flist it's filled with Arthur/Merlin squee and fics."
Cough. "Excuse me but why would people want to write about an old wizard and King Arthur? That's like writing about you and Dumbledore."
"Oh God, stop! It's not about the real Merlin and King Arthur. It's based upon a Muggle show on the telly. They're the same age and Merlin is Arthur's manservant."
"Fuck me. That's blasphemy. How dare them make-up stories based upon Merlin! Just because Arthur is some hot blond and Merlin has ears that are perfect for holding while..."
...
"Perfect for what, Draco? OMG I hate you! You're reading about them too! Aren't you?"
"Er, Potter, mind if I have a shot of the Ogden's?"
"Sure. Go ahead, traitor."
"Harry, I'm not a traitor. I was just interested in what the hype was about. Come on, babe, don't be sad. We're still more popular."
"Hey, you told me not use pet names."
"In fic. It's okay when we're at home by ourselves."
"Really? So you won't frown if I call you sweetheart?"
"Ack! Yes, I'll frown and hex your arse. 'Babe', 'hun', or 'love' are okay. Darling and sweetheart are not."
"But none in fic."
"Right, none in fic."
"Okay."
"Okay."
"So are you feeling better now?"
"A little. Still don't like the idea that they think we're old. I mean seriously, Draco, have you seen what we're going to look like when we're thirty-eight? You've got some scraggly chin hair thing going on. And I look like some frumpy old-man."
"No! What? I'll resemble my father. You know, long hair tied back, nice cape, some leather-riding boots. You'll be running around in your Head Auror uniform, making me want to molest you when you get that look of authority...Why are you shaking your head?"
"Look, love. Look what they're doing to us!"
"Oh...My...God! Avada kedavra me now! Avada kedavra you now!"
"You should see Ron. They made him pudgy. He's been down at the Leaky every night for the past week."
"No. No. No! This can't be happening." sobs "I'm sure our artist friends have remedied this."
"Well, yeah, but this is what the world is going to see. Here let me pour you another shot. I knew we shouldn't have let her write that bogus epilogue."
"I'm sorry, Harry. It's my fault. I just thought if we were canon that our part of fandom would disappear."
"It's okay, Draco. It's kind of fun reading about the kids and stuff."
"Yeah, I bet, you pervert. Going after my son."
"Hey! He's not real, remember? Anyway, it's not like you haven't shagged all three of my kids. Or that our kids haven't shagged each other."
"So is it really true that we're over with? That the fangirls and fanboys have moved on?" sniffle
"No. I just think things are changing and even if it is, we've had a good run."
"Yeah. We're classic that's what we are, Potter. We're classic."
"Toast?"
"Yeah, pass the Ogden's."
"To us."
"To us. Harry and Draco. May we have many more birthdays and adventures."