Work Text:
He’s missed this. He’s missed this feeling of freedom, of letting go. It’s been more than four months, and as the wolf climbs to the surface it lets him know that it has been far too long. He relaxes into it, lets the call of the pack take over, but somehow it seems more hollow than it used to.
His packmates take off, bounding through the forest. He follows, wanting to feel the exhilaration of the run, of belonging, but nothing feels quite right. From the beginning, his legs don’t carry him as fast as they used to. Everything feels like slow motion.
The others outdistance him quickly, despite his efforts. He can feel himself gulping for air and slowing down. As the last one disappears in the distance, the hollow feeling magnifies, and he stumbles. The world spins and his legs won’t obey him anymore.
The ground is cold where he meets it, and he realizes he’s shifted back. His human hands claw against the ice, but he can’t move and doesn’t even have the energy to howl for help.
He tries to keep his eyes open, focuses on his slowing heartbeat and the raspy breaths in his lungs. He sees Stiles smiling at him in the car before the accident happened. If he’s going to die, at least he knows it was real. Even if Stiles doesn’t remember, it happened and they felt it and nothing can take that from him again.
___________________________________________________________
Stiles is just finishing dinner with his father when his phone rings. Scott's name appears on the screen and he answers right away despite his father's look of disapproval.
"Yeah, Scott. What's up?"
"Something happened. But don't freak out, okay?" Scott hesitates for a moment before he continues. "It's about Jackson. He's unconscious --"
"Unconscious? Jackson?" Stiles can't help repeat it because it's just too weird even coming from Scott. "What are you talking about? What happened?"
"To be honest we're not sure yet. We were running... the pack went running after the meeting and he fainted I guess. Isaac found him and we are heading to Deaton's right now. I've called you because I thought..." Scott stammers, "I thought you might want to check on him later, y'know."
"Yeah, thanks... thanks for calling. Of course, I'll..." he catches his father’s eye, "we'll be there." Stiles sighs and runs his other hand through his hair as he starts to get up.
The sheriff has a worried expression, one Stiles has seen far too much of recently, but he stands with Stiles.
"One thing, where is Daniel? Do I need to pick him up?"
"No, no need. He's with his grandparents. He's probably sleeping by now. We're not calling Jackson's parents, not until we've talked to Deaton."
"Okay. Yeah, I get it. See you in a bit."
"Yeah, okay. We’re just at the clinic now." Scott hangs up the phone quickly.
"Did something happen to Jackson?" The sheriff asks as soon as Stiles ends the call.
"Yeah, apparently he fainted a few minutes ago. Scott said he's unconscious. They're taking him to Deaton's."
"But why? I mean, how could he faint? What the hell happened?" The sheriff says getting up as well.
"I don't know, okay? All I know is that the pack went running and he fainted... or something."
"And is the baby okay?"
"Scott didn't say anything else." Stiles says. "I guess they expect Deaton to tell them what happened to him."
"Then let's go," the sheriff says. "I think it's better if we take my car, son. Scott can give you a ride later if you need it."
"Yeah, okay." They both grab a jacket and leave the house in a hurry, leftovers from dinner forgotten on the table behind them.
___________________________________________________________
When the Sheriff and Stiles arrive at the vet clinic, they find Boyd, Erica and Isaac at the door of the examination room.
"How's Jackson? What happened?" the sheriff asks to nobody in particular.
"We don't know. He's inside with Derek and Scott. Deaton is still looking at him."
"What exactly happened? Is he injured?"
"It all happened so fast." Isaac says, nervously shaking his head and biting his lip. "We were running, just like always. Jackson usually stays close to Derek, he never stays behind but this time he wasn't running as fast. He stayed behind with me and at one point I realized I couldn't see him or hear him so I stopped. He wasn’t behind me. So I figured something was wrong. I alerted the rest and I found him as I ran back to the house. He was unconscious in his human form. There wasn't any blood and he wasn't injured. That's all I can tell you, really."
"Are you kidding me? He could have frozen out there," Stiles says, his mind bringing up images of Jackson sprawled on the snow, shivering, unconscious and clammy.
"We think he had just shifted, probably a couple of minutes earlier. We found him fast and he's a werewolf, he can resist extreme temperatures much better than humans," Isaac explains. From anyone else it would have sounded defensive. Isaac makes it sound like the simple facts, although it was lacking a bit in confidence.
"I think we should all just wait before making assumptions, okay?" Erica says, pacing the room. "I'm sure he's going to be okay. Let's not freak out ahead of time."
There is a general silence after that which is broken a couple of minutes later when the door opens. Scott comes out first followed by Derek, both with very serious expressions, and Deaton stays at the door with everybody looking at him attentively.
"What's going on Deaton? How is he?" the sheriff asks nervously.
"Jackson is in a coma."
And saying they are all surprised would be the understatement of the year.
"How is that possible?" the sheriff asks visibly surprised, "I thought... y'know I thought werewolves healed..."
“Yes, werewolves are stronger but they can get hurt. Jackson was born a human and he's not an alpha. I need to perform a more thorough clinical analysis but the first test results show that his body is basically very weak. His state shows that he's endured a great trauma and I really don't know how he's been able to function this long. He's pregnant, but far too underweight. The baby appears to be okay, but frankly, with the condition Jackson is in, I am concerned."
"According to Derek, Jackson has been suffering from insomnia, lack of appetite, dizziness, stress, lack of focus at a work. You don't need to be a genius to know that he's brought himself to a point of exhaustion where his body has simply had enough. And going running? Not the smartest idea. He should have known better." His eyes slide to Derek, who looks away, obviously upset with himself.
"This is so fucked up," Stiles says incredulously, running his fingers through his hair.
"The way I see it, his body decided to shut down as a way to protect itself. If it hadn't, I think the run may well have killed them both."
Stiles sees some of the pack swallow hard, and feels a lump in his own throat. Why the hell hadn’t anyone seen this coming?
"Thank you," the sheriff speaks for the first time. "We'd like to see him if that's okay...?"
"Yes, of course, go ahead." Deaton opens the door for them. "I'll be with you in a few minutes."
The sheriff and Stiles enter the room.
___________________________________________________________
When Stiles and his father get inside, they find Jackson on the examination table, wearing a tracksuit. It looks odd on him, untailored and baggy. It’s probably Derek’s. Stiles figures it’s the first thing they found to put on him.
"I can't believe this is happening," Stiles says as he stands next to him. He puts his hand on the cold metal of the exam table, just inches from Jackson’s slack hand.
"That's pretty much what he said, when..." the sheriff says from the opposite side of the table. “God, I never wanted to be in this position again.”
Stiles looks at him and it's such a weird feeling... it's not the same as when he woke up. This last month he's felt out of place, he's felt lost and upset wondering why this had happened to him. But now, for the first time, he feels genuinely worried.
Jackson looks really pale and tired but nonetheless still looks beautiful, long lashes resting gently on his cheeks. His hair is a mess and Stiles lets his fingers through it without a second thought. It's a reflex movement that surprises him, it feels right, it feels like something he's done many times before. And if the sheriff is surprised he doesn't show it.
"I know what you're thinking," Stiles says, keeping his eyes on Jackson's face. His father is probably thinking that this is his fault for not caring about his family anymore, for leaving Jackson alone.
"No, I don't think you do," the sheriff says in a sad tone. "You can't possibly know."
The silence after that is too much for Stiles.
"Well?” he asks.
"I was thinking about the first time I saw you at the hospital after the accident. You looked terrible... Your face was bruised and you lower lip was split and Jackson was a mess. He kept saying that he was sorry because he couldn't help you. He thought he failed you and I don't know what's going through your head right now but I know Jackson and I know he wouldn't like you to think that this is any of your fault."
Stiles is not sure how he feels yet, he doesn't think this is his fault but he can't help but wonder if he could have prevented it somehow. "So you don't blame me?"
"No, son, of course not," the sheriff says convincingly. "If there's anything I'm sure about, it’s that life is unpredictable."
Stiles raises both eyebrows and it's not that he doesn't agree, it's that he's not used to this new side of his father yet. It sucks that he can't remember when his father finally found out the truth... it had to be insane for sure. But he's happy he knows everything and he's happy to be able to count on him because even with Derek and the pack, the only person he really trusts right now is his father.
"I mean, werewolves? You and Jackson? My grandson? Your accident? I didn't expect any of that, but we cherished the good and dealt with the bad. If this is one more thing we have to deal with, then we will. As a family."
Stiles lets go a breath he didn't know he was holding.
"Jackson is strong. He can beat this. I know he can," the sheriff adds as he touches Jackson's shoulder.
Just in that moment Deaton enters the room and Stiles removes his hand from Jackson's hair. Deaton doesn't comment.
"I've been talking to Derek and we've decided that the best course of action would be to move him to the room I have next to my office. It's a storage room but I can remove most things and bring a bed and whatever else we need."
"That sounds good, Deaton. Thank you."
Deaton simply nods.
"Is the baby okay then?" Stiles asks unsure.
"Yes, everything seems to be just fine. But Jackson needs to gain some weight as soon as possible if we want to keep things that way."
Stiles nods visibly relieved. He doesn't want to imagine what could have happened if he had lost it. And he can't help but think about Daniel and what that kid has been through, he hates to think what this is going to do to him as well.
And then he remembers Deaton's word. According to Derek. Something that feels very much like anger runs through him. Because the truth is that Derek knew, he knew there was something wrong with Jackson, and he can't say it's Derek's fault entirely, but if he had used his brain and had told him not to run with them he could have clearly prevented it. What's the point of being a freaking alpha if you're not gonna take care of your pack?
He takes a deep breath. "Dad, I'm gonna step outside, I need to talk to Derek for a minute. Can you stay with him?" Because it feels terrible the idea of leaving him alone with Deaton.
"Of course, son. Go ahead, I'm not going anywhere."
"Thanks. I'll be right back." Stiles says, eyes lingering on Jackson's form before he slips through the door.
___________________________________________________________
When Stiles leaves the room he finds Derek sitting in a chair in the waiting room with his elbows resting on his knees and a worried expression on his face.
"Can we talk?" Stiles says.
Derek sits straight and looks at Stiles.
"Yeah." Derek replies. When Stiles doesn’t say anything immediately he raises his eyebrows expectantly.
"Outside." Stiles says after spotting Erica, Boyd and Isaac sitting in the chairs on the opposite side of the room.
"Yeah, okay."
Derek follows Stiles as he walks outside until they are far enough that they can hopefully not be heard by the other werewolves.
Since they got to the clinic he's been replaying over and over his last conversations with Jackson today and he can't shake off the feeling of guilt invading him. He knows Deaton blames him and probably the whole pack does as well even if they'd never say it to his face. He knows he's fucked up and if Jackson and the baby die he'll never be able to forgive himself. He has no idea how the pack would recover from this if the worst came to pass.
How he would recover from this.
It is becoming a bad habit but whenever Stiles feels confused, or upset, he tries to deflect those feelings outwards and he ends up going on the attack.
Derek knows just by looking at Stiles that this is not going to be a pleasant conversation.
"You're like the worst alpha in existence Derek, you know that?" Stiles snaps suddenly, turning to face him, "how could you let him go running with you knowing full well that he was in no condition to run? Who the hell does that?" Stiles spreads his arms wide, "God, what the hell were you thinking?"
Stiles wasn't sure how he was going to react when he got that phone call and he never expected his first real conversation with Derek after so long to be about this but he just can't help it.
Talking to Kane got him to start considering things... it made him more aware that he needed to get to know Jackson better but the most recent turn of events has ruined any possibility of that happening, so he tells himself that's the reason why he's so upset.
"That's fucking funny. Are you serious?"
He wasn't sure what to expect from this Stiles as he is not the same man Derek has known for years in spite of looking the same. According to Jackson this Stiles is not supposed to care so much. And still, here he is having the nerve to recriminate him.
"I may not have stopped him from running but it is you who put him on that table." Derek shoots back. "It is you who left him behind when he needed you. You didn't give him a chance and that's why he's here."
As soon as he says it he regrets it. This is what he does when he goes on defense but if Kane or Jackson had been listening he knows he wouldn’t hear the end of it. He knows Stiles doesn't deserve it, but he isn't gonna tell him that because he didn't lie either. He is upset with Stiles for not trying hard enough and for leaving Jackson alone, nothing Stiles says is going to change that.
"Dude, don't you dare judge me, okay? I tried. I lived with him for almost a month and I tried to remember. It was all I thought about. But you don’t get it, none of you do. I’d just come out of a freaking coma, Derek… You have no idea what it feels like not seeing yourself in your own body or simply..." he shakes his head as he tries to find the words, "finding a different... crazy world around you... everybody has grown up, everybody has moved on... like... you're fucking married to a man, Derek... and Kane is pretty awesome, so I'm glad for you, but everything has changed and it’s been almost impossible to wrap my head around it. I needed time."
"I know it's been hard." Derek replies. He knows what it’s like to have your whole world change on you in the blink of an eye, and he knows Stiles has suffered, he is not diminishing that. But Stiles seems to be forgetting that he is not living in a vacuum. His choices doesn’t just affect him, not anymore. They wouldn’t be here, now, if that was the case.
"I know you've been through hell, but believe me, so has Jackson and in spite of that he’s been trying to give you all the space you want, he's been more patient than you know." Derek sighs, "I tried to tell you on the phone... but you didn't listen." Derek remembers Stiles as a teenager so unfortunately, in hindsight, he can’t say he’s surprised. He’s also not surprised when Stiles tries to argue.
"I listened to you, okay? I did. I listened to everybody!"
"No," Derek denies, "you didn't. I told you to take care of him and next thing I know you left him alone with Daniel!"
Stiles steps back so as to put some distance between himself and Derek’s words, hand griping the back of his neck in stress.
"Stiles, he's a fucking werewolf, and he's pregnant. I very much remember telling you that he needed you," Derek‘s lips thins in irritation as he shakes his head because he's not forgotten his earlier promise to Jackson, "and you left him alone." Derek says stressing every word.
"I left because I needed time to think. It wasn't working out, okay? It just wasn't." Stiles can’t stop his breathing from becoming faster. He is feeling under attack and it’s the fragile balance he is desperately clinging to.
"Of course it wasn't. But did you talk to him? Did you go out together? Did you sleep in the same bed? Did you fucking touch him? Like ever?" Derek says, his eyes narrowing accusingly at Stiles.
All of a sudden Stiles can feel how he is losing the last vestige of his temper, his fragile control breaking in the face of Derek’s accusations. Before he can think better of it he goes on the attack, something he is prone to do when he is emotionally vulnerable, a pattern Jackson would have recognized and warned Derek about had he been in any condition to do so.
"What's this dude? Freaking high school? Who are you to tell me who I have to sleep with, or who I have to touch? Nobody gets to do that? Not even my father!"
"You're part of the pack. You and Jackson are my responsibility. You --"
"Shit Derek," Stiles interrupts him, "I'm not a werewolf. I'm human, remember? You're not my alpha and I'm not one of your betas, omegas, or whatever... I'm sorry but you don't get to boss me around. As you keep reminding me I'm not a teenager anymore. Did I really do everything you wanted?" Stiles says in an incredulous tone.
"No, no, you didn't. Usually it was Jackson who got you to do it... and you did it because you're pack and you trusted me. You trusted all of us."
Stiles is rendered speechless for a moment. A part of him hates arguing with Derek and something in his head tells him that he might be crossing a line, maybe his father wouldn't approve of what he's saying, but he's got to trust his instincts. He's the only one who knows what it’s like not to recognize his own son. How it feels. He's the only one who has lost years of his life and he knows the reasons why he left. They are still valid, and they matter. Derek is not going to convince him otherwise.
"You know what? That Stiles is gone." Stiles says quietly but with determination. It’s probably the hardest admission he's made since he woke up. Deep inside him he’s known it, but this is the first time he's said it out loud and it really hurts.
"I think you all need to accept that. This Stiles doesn't really know you anymore. There is nothing you can do about it except give me time to get to know you... and hell, everybody else... and maybe then..." Stiles licks his lips, "then I'll trust you again."
Derek stays silent unsure what to say. Stiles is still not getting it but it’s becoming obvious that any intervention he tries to make will fall on deaf ears. He never thought he'd be having this conversation, that there would be a need for it, yet here they are. He just looks at Stiles, aching for his old friend and struggling with the understanding that they are basically back at square one. It's the first time he's seen him since he woke up and it's still unbelievable how much everything has changed in just a few months. The truth is that talking on the phone doesn't come close to talking face to face. Something in his eyes and the way he speaks makes it obvious that this is not the same Stiles of four months ago. This one is frustrated and kind of lost and that's something he can easily relate to no matter how disappointed he feels as well.
"Okay," he says finally, "You want time, I'll give you time. Besides, unfortunately, that's something Jackson has a lot of right now."
"I'm sorry, that came out wrong," Derek says shaking his head. "I didn't mean --"
Stiles doubts that the younger Derek he remembers would have ever bothered apologizing but apparently, this older, married version of Derek does and Stiles can actually appreciate that.
"I know. Apology accepted."
Both Derek and Stiles fall into an awkward silence after that until Stiles has enough.
"I'm gonna head inside. There should be some kind of news by now..." Stiles says feeling uncomfortable as he remembers where they are, and why. "You coming?" He asks trying to not let his discomfort show.
"Yeah, I'm coming." Derek says simply as he follows Stiles back in to the clinic.