Work Text:
She doesn't know exactly why she does it, but that first night on the airship, Imogen moves Laudna's ring to her ring finger. It feels more secure there, though she knows it would be safer to just take the damned thing off. But how can she, when that's the last thing she gave to Laudna before she died?
(She didn't give her enough gifts, always too focused on the next goal. Even when she knew it would make her happy, she always prioritized the wrong things. And now Laudna isn't here to give anything to.)
It makes her feel secure, knowing that Laudna still wears the ring. It's like a promise that Imogen will find a way for the other woman to come back. The ring sits perfectly on Laudna's finger, and it reminds Imogen that there's so much she didn't get to say. It's selfish, but Imogen wants to pretend, even if it's just for a little while, that she wasn't a coward. Maybe in some alternate reality, she and Laudna were actually in love, bound together through marriage. Imogen doesn't bother trying to build that reality in her head. It's enough to pretend in this one.
(That's a lie. Nothing could ever be enough, not when Laudna's gone and Imogen has to endure the world without her.)
The others see the new ring placement, but no one dares say anything about it. Imogen doesn't bother trying to read any of their thoughts, and instead works overtime to keep her mental barriers up. Better to not know any of their thoughts than to accidentally hear one that shatters her completely. She doesn't know if she could handle hearing any of them suggest they let Laudna go. Instead, she builds a fortress between herself and the rest of Bells Hells. She doesn't want to know what they think about the ring anyway.
(Doesn't want to hear their pity or their concern.)
The only person to react is Chetney, a day or so later, who wordlessly hands Imogen a wooden ring that fits her own ring finger perfectly. The outside is stained a deep red, reminiscent of Laudna's favorite blouse. The band is plain on the outside, but the inside has a small engraving. It takes Imogen a moment to read it, but her heart nearly breaks all over again when she finally makes out the words.
Even in Death
"Chet?" Her throat is too tight to force out anything else, but his knowing smile is enough to coax one of her own, however small it may be. She'll thank him by being nicer the rest of the journey back to Jrusar, and vows to never make another comment about his hoarding tendencies. At least for the next few weeks.
(It doesn’t escape her that this is his first gift to her, and it’s the most precious thing she’s ever received. She doesn’t want to dwell on how well he knows her or what she’s going through right now.)
Afterwards, Imogen heads back to their room. She takes up her usual position, sitting next to Laudna where she’s laid out on the bed. Imogen doesn’t dare disturb the copper coins covering her eyes, but she can’t help the way her own gaze traces over Laudna’s delicate features. Even in death, Laudna looks as she always has. Her striking features draw people to her, though her pallor and unsettling stillness seem to scare them away. But not Imogen. There’s not a thing in the world that Laudna could do to drive her away.
(Imogen’s the one who drives people away. She just never thought she’d be the one to make Laudna go away.)
Her gloved hand gently caresses Laudna’s face before brushing a few strands of hair to the side. Her eyes sting and her throat feels like it’s about to close up completely, but she’s spent so long crying already. They only have one more day of travel before landing in Jrusar. Imogen tries not to hope that it means only a couple more days until her love is brought back to her.
(Tries not to think that it’s only a couple more days until there’s nothing left to live for.)
Imogen reaches down to entwine her left hand with Laudna’s own, their rings sitting perfectly together. The red stain of her wooden ring compliments the gold metal and ruby gemstone. For all that Laudna is flashy and dramatic, Imogen is practical and plain. The rings suit them, and once more she finds herself pretending that she hadn’t missed her chance.
“Hello, sweetheart.” Imogen doesn’t hold back her tears anymore, letting them pool before streaming down her cheeks. “Chetney finally gave me a present, the bastard.”
She imagines Laudna would chuckle before admonishing Imogen for being so rude to the master craftsman. It doesn’t take much for Imogen to conjure up the memory of Laudna’s smile, and for a brief moment she doesn’t feel empty inside.
“I don’t know if you would’ve ever given me a ring, but Chetney made one for me anyway.” Imogen lifts their joined hands as if to show Laudna how perfectly their rings match. Another tear falls from her face onto the blanket. Imogen barely holds back a sob as the weight of everything starts to feel like too much.
“I’m so sorry, darlin’,'' Imogen whispers, bringing Laudna’s hand up for a kiss. “I’m sorry I wasn’t brave enough. I don’t even know if you love me the way I love you, if you could ever access that part of your brain for me. But,” she laughs, though there’s no mirth to it. “It doesn’t hurt as much, to pretend. And maybe when you wake up, I’ll finally tell you.”
With a sigh, Imogen kisses Laudna’s ring before wiping her tears, trying desperately to push down the tears that threaten to continue down her face. She’s been crying too much lately, and she knows Laudna would hate to see her in such a state of anguish. Imogen takes another deep sigh before taking her chair next to the bed.
It’s only one more day until they can get back to Eshteross. One more day until they know if he has a way to help, or if they need to reach out to their other connections. Imogen tries not to get her hopes up, but the pain she feels every moment without Laudna feels impossible to overcome.
Only one more day, my love. I’ll be with you, no matter what. Even in death.
The words don’t reach, and Imogen feels herself break all over again.