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Of course he knew about courgettes. He wasn’t an idiot. Crowley only hissed at the seedlings when they first sprouted. He’d make sure they grew good roots and strong stems. No losing them to squash borers. He’d never grown courgettes in his flat; they took up too much space. But he knew.
He focused his attention on the rest of the garden. There were enough spring greens, radishes, and green onions that he and Aziraphale brought salad, fresh and crispy and full of bite, to most things they were invited to bring a dish to. It suited Crowley well, and he might have admitted the garden was meeting his expectations.
The rhubarb wasn’t big enough to harvest, but Crowley had rather expected that. That was a long-term plan, and he wasn’t quite up to building a dark house over the plants and forcing it with a candle ‘til it grew so fast you could hear it. Humans came up with that particular plant torture on their own. For now, he was just letting this one grow naturally. He was trying new things in his garden.
The garden produced an endless succession of different greens, so they weren’t quite tired of salad yet. Though there were certainly some days that Crowley considered ripping some out to make room for summer vegetables before they drowned in salad. Fortunately most of the spinach could go in quiche, which Aziraphale adored. Crowley tried some in a smoothie that let him use his fancy blender. He did not adore that.
He could curse the local rabbits, but really they were saving him from too much more salad. He kept finding rocket in places he definitely hadn’t planted rocket. Some of the early sweetheart cabbage was shredded and put in jars to ferment. It didn’t entirely go as planned, but they had so much cabbage it wasn’t really a problem.
Aziraphale used a bunch of their early potatoes and the cabbage to make colcannon. Crowley adored it; Aziraphale did not. Fortunately, they could both agree that potatoes were wonderful when fried. It gave Crowley an excuse to get a new kitchen gadget too! Every vegetable was better when deep-fried, except possibly spinach. Crowley could only eat so much quiche.
Crowley eyed the courgettes. He’d already had more spinach than he’d ever wanted. He knew these would be even worse. The flowers were beautiful and so prolific. Crowley fried squash blossoms. They’d still have plenty of courgettes.
He had staggered the planting schedule, so they’d have some all through the season maturing at slightly different times. When he brought in an entire basket of courgettes in one day and there were still more in the garden, he knew things had gotten out of hand. This was going to be worse than the spinach. A courgette smoothie sounded horrible.
But Aziraphale was delighted, so he put away his concerns for now. They were such lovely little squash! They had them in pasta. They had them in slaw. They had them in bread. They had them in fritters. They deep-fried them. They had them shredded in risotto. They had them as quick pickles. They had them in cake, for someone’s sake!
When he caught Aziraphale using his computer to try and look up if you could make alcohol out of courgettes, that was it.
“Maybe we should give some of them away.”
There was an entire bowl on the counter. The tomatoes at least could be made into sauce, but even those were getting a little overwhelming. At this point they would have sauce all through the winter. If they made much more, they'd still be eating it when next year's tomatoes arrived.
“You worked so hard to grow them, though! It would be rude to give them away.” The angel didn’t sound that torn up about it, though.
“Maybe some of the tomatoes, too. And the sweetheart cabbage. We’re getting a bit ahead on all that. Be silly to end up composting some of it because we can’t eat it all.”
Crowley put a little table by the road that said “free produce!” with even more cabbage, tomatoes, an entire basket of courgettes, and two bags of rocket he definitely hadn’t planted. Things were getting out of hand in the garden, and he really needed to start actually cursing things at this point. Nothing needed to grow better! It needed to stop growing entirely! He was done for the season!
By the end of the day, the rocket, the cabbage, and all the tomatoes were gone. Someone had left them an aubergine, and there was now a second basket of courgettes. At least it had come with a basket, but that still seemed unfair somehow. Crowley eyed the other cottages nearby, trying to figure out who had left them the basket. Maybe he’d curse their courgettes. You couldn’t just go leaving whole baskets of vegetables in people’s yards! Wait, HE could leave vegetables in other people’s yards.
Crowley was unsure whether that was a good deed or a bad deed, but it would mean he had less courgettes mocking him. If it was JUST courgettes, it was probably a bad deed. It would be a good deed if he included tomatoes. People liked those, and you had the makings of a pretty decent pasta dinner when you had both. Just courgettes then. He could still be a little evil.
He came back into the house with the two baskets of courgettes and a grin.
Azirphale’s brow furrowed at the two baskets. “I thought you’d put those out to give away.”
“Someone left us a second basket.” He wiggled it at the angel, who was busy taking a very, very deep breath. “I figure maybe we could take a ride and go return the favor.”
“What if they just come back?”
This was a point. This might just be the start of an escalating war of who got all the courgettes. Crowley knew how his plans usually worked out. It would be him. He did not want his entire kitchen covered in courgettes.
“I could hide the produce table?” Crowley offered.
“Would it deter you?”
“No. We got an aubergine someone left, but I’m not mad about that. Look how long and skinny it is! Totally different kind than I planted!”
“Hmmmm. Let me consider.”
The gift aubergine got put in the “to be used” section of the counter that was covered in tomatoes. Maybe he should give away some more tomatoes too.
“If you-” Aziraphale said.
“We.”
“Fine, if we leave it for someone that doesn’t have a garden they can’t already have courgettes of their own.” Aziraphale stared at the two baskets of courgettes currently on the counter as if he wished they also had no courgettes. “A whole basket is probably excessive unless you give them some other things to go with it. You can’t live entirely on courgettes.”
“I didn’t even curse them or threaten them, and they’re overflowing.”
“You didn’t curse them?” The angel had a very carefully schooled face that made Crowley’s senses tingle.
“Angel, is there something you’d like to tell me?”
“I maybe blessed them… a little.”
“AHA, I knew something was up! I knew they were prolific, but not like this.”
“I thought it would even out! You yell at them and curse them and they’ve been trying so hard and the weather’s so unstable. And I can just do as many blessings as I want now…”
Crowley leaned in and gave Aziraphale a kiss on the cheek. “You got carried away and so did the garden. From now on, bless the things that take years to get big enough to harvest, not the annuals. Did you bless anything else?”
“Most everything.”
Crowley barked out a laugh. “Including the courgettes that aren’t supposed to be ready for another month?”
“Yes. You take such pride in your garden and I wanted it to do well. I wanted you to be happy!”
“I know. You meant well. But for both our sake, all the courgettes have got to go. I’m going to hunt down all the remaining flowers and we’re having fried squash blossoms for dinner. Tomorrow you’re helping me harvest everything that is ready and we’re putting it in baskets and giving it away.”
“All of it?”
Crowley pointed at the overflowing counter. “By the time we work through the leftovers, the counter will be full again.”
Crowley determined what was ready to pick and directed Aziraphale to the easy items, while he hunted down endless greens that had escaped containment. Every basket got an overflowing bag of rocket, lettuce, chard, and the last of the damned spinach that had persisted into the summer heat. He was never planting that again, but he suspected he would still get some every year anyway.
Now that he knew everything was blessed, he dug up some things that should have been ready in a few weeks. The turnips were already massive, and the garlic was the size of his fist. Some of the potatoes went in as well, though he was a bit sadder to see them go. You really couldn’t go wrong with making them into chips.
Aziraphale picked all the courgettes he could find and then moved on to the tomatoes. Crowley knew there were still more hiding, and managed to find another whole basket of small ones hidden in his rhubarb. Aziraphale stared at them in quiet horror.
But once the garden had been stripped and everything packed in the Bentley, it really wasn’t so bad a day. Aziraphale had caused the problem, so he got to be the one to ring doorbells. If nobody was home, he had a stack of lovely handwritten notes saying who they were from and including a courgette recipe. He might consider it rude to ring the bell and run, but he was no fool either. Those courgettes were NOT coming back.
Those who did open the door were greeted by a beaming angel with gifts. Aziraphale got to meet new people and gush over Crowley and his garden. Crowley could pretend he was just waiting by the car and heard none of it, but he did. He was getting red because his husband was keeping him out in the sun, that was it! “Come on, angel, we’ve got the rest of these to drop off.” The looks people gave him at calling Aziraphale angel just made him redder, but he wasn’t going to stop, not when Aziraphale looked at him like that.
Finally, all the courgettes were gone and Aziraphale was humming in the car. It really had been a nice day, and Crowley might be willing to do it again. Which was good, because he still had all the late summer crops to deal with. He didn’t want to see any more vegetables today.
“Angel, how do you feel about going out for steak?”
Courgette patties
- 1 cup grated courgette (zucchini)
- 2 eggs, beaten
- ¼ cup all-purpose flour (or cornmeal if you need a gluten free option)
- ¼ cup grated Parmesan cheese
- ¼ cup shredded cheese
- 2 tablespoons finely chopped onion
- Salt and pepper to taste
- 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
Combine all ingredients in a bowl you can easily mix in. Stir well enough to distribute ingredients evenly.
Oil a skillet or griddle and set on medium-high heat. Once it is hot, drop spoonfuls of mixture in and cook until golden-brown, about 2 minutes per side.
Serving: serve as patties, with toppings of your choice — tzatziki or salsa are recommended. Or you can put several of these in a bun and top them like you would a veggie burger.