Chapter Text
Adam needed a break. It was nearly ten-thirty p.m., he had been working for more than twelve hours straight, he hadn't eaten anything since breakfast and his brain was starting to slow down from hypoglycemia. He still had a lot of work to do, but compelled himself to stop the redaction of the grant proposal he was currently working on to go find some food. For once, he almost regretted having forbidden any kind of food from his lab. He had to go to the break room of the floor. As he entered, he ascertained that the light was – again – out of service. He sighed. So much for being at one of the top faculty of the country. Lured by the blue light provided by the vending machine at the back of the room, he decided to buy a Coke and the last bag of salt-and-vinegar chips. The junk food made him think about Olive, and a grin settled on his face.
No, smart-ass, I don't live solely on raw broccoli.
The occasional too salty snacks were his guilty pleasure when he was staying late alone in the department, which was pretty much his daily routine. Sometimes, he even had to set a timer on his phone to remember to eat, or sleep, or go home, rather than spending the whole night in his lab. Although the loneliness of after hours was really restful for him and his asocial tendencies.
He sat on one of the small couches of the room, opening his bottle of Coke and the bag of chips. His mind momentarily free of the burden of work, it returned to his favorite subject : Olive. The last time he had seen her was for their coffee on Wednesday morning but it had only lasted barely three minutes, she was buried so deep in her work for Tom's report that she hadn't had any time for Adam. Their last real interaction was four days ago, at the department picnic. He could still feel the cold gentle touch of her small hands on his back and arms, while she had applied sunscreen on him. The memory made a wave of warmth rose through his body. Usually, Adam loathed to be touched, but Olive was a totally different thing. He had no idea how he had been able to survive this without her being fully aware of what he felt for her. He had had to remind himself that for her it was all a play, fake-dating as she called it, to maintain some kind of control over his body during what had felt like both the longest and the shortest minutes of his entire life. The sensation of her fingers and palm on his bare skin would surely haunt him for all eternity. He couldn't help imagining her touching him more, of her own will, …
While he was lost in his fantasies, Adam heard someone enter the break room. Shit, I can't even be alone at peace this late. Then, as the silhouette approached the vending machine, he recognized Olive. Was she really there or was his brain so focused on her, so intoxicated by her, that he was finally loosing it and started to hallucinate ? He silently watched her insert coins in the machine and stare at it for several seconds before typing a code and retrieving a gold wrapper.
« I wish you were salt-and-vinegar chips, » she whispered at her hand with a disappointed voice.
He didn't think twice before offering her the bag he had barely touch. « Here, » he said.
« Aaah ! » She cried before turning toward Adam with her hands in front of her body like a defense mechanism.
He couldn't help an internal laughter. She was so cute when she was afraid. But then, he realized he found her cute whatever she was doing, or saying, or wearing. Even this sort of uniform she always wore to work : a loose shirt and a dark leggins. He saw her face relax as soon as she recognized him and it pleased him. She clutched her hands to her chest before asking him « when did you get here ?! »
« Five minutes ago? » He replied not believing his chance to be in the break room at the exact same moment as Olive. « I was here when you came in. »
« Why didn't you say something ? »
Because I wasn't sure you were really here or if my obsession finally made me mad ?
He tilted his head, searching for an appropriate response. « I could ask the same. »
Right, well done, very logical for her to speak to a room she thought was empty.
She didn't seem to be bothered by his answer and covered her mouth with her small hand, like she was too scared to be able to speak. Adam tried not to stare at her hand, not to think of the lingering sensation he still could feel on his back.
« I didn't see you. Why are you sitting in the dark like a creep ? »
« Light's broken. As usual. » Adam took a sip of his Coke in an attempt to try to appear composed. Then he grabbed the open bag of chips from the couch to give it to Olive.
« Here. You can have the rest of the chips. »
She narrowed her eyes and stared at him quite angrily. « You. »
What had he done now ? « Me ? » He replied somehow lost.
« You stole my chips. »
Olive and her junk food. He felt a smile rise on his lips. « Sorry. You can have what's left. » He didn't remember eating much of it anyway. He peeked into the bag. « I didn't have many, I don't think. » He saw her hesitate before approaching the couch. He was happy he could take care of her, feed her, outside of their Wednesday Starbucks fake-date.
She took the bag with the tip of her fingers, like it was poisonous, and sat next to him. Adam couldn't believe his chance : the picnic, then this, in addition of their weekly coffee meeting.
« Thanks, I guess, » she said.
He nodded and tried to made his brain understand, once more, that all of that was just fake for her. He took another sip of his Coke, to give himself some time to gather his thoughts. He saw her stare at her knees, like she was not exactly comfortable being here, alone with him, and he realized this was the first time they were together without any exterior obligation. No fake-dating, no Anh meddling, no need to lie to anyone. However, he knew there was a good chance she would rather be anywhere else, with anyone else.
« Should you be having caffeine at ten twenty-seven p.m. ? »
Was she worried about his drinking habits when the monstrosities he brought her each Wednesday contained enough sugar and colorant to poison a small town ? « I doubt I'll be sleeping much, anyway. » As every night, in fact.
« Why ? »
« I need to run a set of last-minutes analyses for a grant due on Sunday night. »
« Oh. I thought you had minions for that, » she said while settling down more comfortably on the couch.
« As it turns out, asking your grads to pull an all-nighter for you is frowned upon by HR. » Surely this rule didn't exist when he was a grad student.
« What a travesty, » she teased him.
« Truly. What about you ? » She seemed exhausted, why wasn't she at home, sleeping ?
« Tom's report, » she sighed.
Adam couldn't help thinking that Tom had picked up some of the bad habits of their former advisor with his old lab. Compelling Olive to write this report in such a tight time frame was a really shity move from him.
« I'm supposed to sent it to him tomorrow and there's a section that I just don't... » She sighed again. « I'm rerunning a few analyses, just to make sure that everything is perfect, but the equipment I'm working with is not exactly... ugh. »
« Have you told Aysegul ? » Adam had to restrain himself from going directly to his colleague to ask her to help Olive, but he knew it wasn't his place. That was one of the reasons he never asked her out for the past three years, he had feared that the fact that he was faculty and she was still a student would lead to a rather difficult situation. He never would have wanted to seem intervening in Olive's work, to taint her research with any hint of fallplay.
« I did, but there's no money to get anything better. She's a great mentor, but... last year her husband got sick and she decided to retire early, and sometimes it feels like she's stopped caring. »
At least, Aysegul did care, before the illness of her husband, before her personal life became more important to her than her work. That was more than he ever got from his own advisor at Harvard. But he understood, it musn't have been easy to work with so few means.
Olive rubbed her temple before asking him « Are you going to tell her I told you that ? »
No way he was going to risk putting Olive in any kind of trouble. But he loved to tease her so much he couldn't resist answering « Of course. »
She groaned. « Don't. »
Oh, sweetheart, don't worry. I could never do anything to hurt you.
She was so easy to mess with, he liked it and decided to continue pushing her buttons. « Might also tell her about the kisses you've been extorting. » Not that I complain. « And the fake-dating scheme you roped me into. » Even if it was, in fact, my own idea. « And above all about the sunscreen – » That you applied for my greatest pleasure.
« Oh. God, » she blurted out before hiding her face in her knees, her arms wrapped around her head. « God. The sunscreen. »
He grinned to see her so embarrassed. « Yeah, » he said, searching for his words. « Yeah, that was... » Marvelous, unexpected, ecstatic, …
« Awkward? » She proposed while sitting back straight into the couch.
Adam couldn't even look at her and he hoped that she wouldn't see his cheeks turning red in the dim light of the room. He cleared his throat. That wasn't the word he would have used, but that was what she had obviously felt. « Amongst other things. » Things he never would dare to say out loud to her, even if they were stuck in his mind.
« Yep, » she confirmed.
If only her other things were anything like his...
« Is the sunscreen going in the Title IX complaint ? »
Another grin took over his face. « Right on the first page. Nonconsensual sunblock application. » Surely this joke of him was the best he ever could have found, still running after a few weeks, and he wished he could let Holden on it, but he would have to tell him the truth about all this fake-dating thing.
« Oh, come on. I saved you from basal cell carcinoma, » she tried to argue, but he could see a shadow of a smile on her mouth and a glimmer of amusement mixed with embarrassment in her beautiful green eyes.
« Groped under SPF pretense. » Not that he wouldn't be more than happy with her doing it again, without any incitation from her friend if possible. He snapped out of his inappropriate thoughts when he saw Olive toss her snack toward him. He ducked to avoid it, amazed by how casual and friendly their interactions now were. No professor-student dynamic, no fear of his awful reputation, no fake-dating pretenses to show for her friends, just Olive and him, chilling in a break room, talking, teasing each other. It felt so right, so natural, that he started to hope that the 29th of september wouldn't necessarily be the end of this thing they now shared.
« Hey, do you want half of this ? Since I fully plan to eat what's left of your chips. »
« Nah. »
« You sure ? »
« Couldn't stand chocolate. »
Olive just stayed frozen, staring at him, then shook her head like he had said something extremely incredible. « You would, wouldn't you ? Hate everything that is delicious and lovely and comforting. »
I wouldn't say that, since I love you.
The words had almost slipped his mouth as they popped up in his head. What the hell was wrong with him ? What was he thinking ? It would scare her away if he said anything like that. « Chocolate's disgusting, » he replied instead.
« You just want to live in your dark, bitter world made of black coffee and plain bagels with plain cream cheese. And occasionally salt-and-vinegar chips. »
« That are clearly your favorite chips – » he started to retort, surprised and delighted to found some common point with Olive.
« Not the point, » she cut him.
« – And I am flattered that you've memorized my orders. »
« It does help that they're always the same. »
Still, we're beginning to really know each other, past the favorite color absurdity.
« At least I've never ordered something called a unicorn Frappuccino. » He couldn't fathom how she could ingest something so gross, fulled with unknown chemicals and colorants, rather that real coffee. But he could remember perfectly the look on her face when she had took a sip of the monstrosity she had the nerve to call a drink. Pure pleasure. Their Wednesday coffee meet had been so short that it had pained Adam not being able to spend more time with Olive, however her expression was anchored in his brain. But again, how could he forget anything about her, especially when she seemed so happy.
« That was so good. It tasted like the rainbow. »
« Like sugar and food coloring ? »
« My two favorite things in the universe. »
If only I could get on that list...
« Thank you for buying it to me, by the way. »
He would have been ready to buy her anything she needed or wanted. He felt this overwhelming compulsion to take care of her, which was so much odd and new to him.
« Where's Tom by the way, while you and I slave our Friday night away ? » She asked.
« Out. On a date, I think, » and thank God he didn't try to make me go with him, this time. I'm way better here in my lab than out in some loud bar. Particularly if you're here with me.
« On a date ? Does his girlfriend live here ? »
Adam held a sigh. Which one ? « Tom has lots of girlfriends. In lots of places. »
I, on the other hand, only want one and I can't even manage to ask her out outside of this fake-dating charade.
« But are any of them fake? » She beamed at him.
You smart-ass ! Adam had trouble from restraining himself to laugh.
« Would you like half a dollar, then ? For the chips ? »
Oh sweetheart, It's my absolute pleasure to be able to feed you. « Keep it. »
« Great. Because it's about a third of my monthly salary. »
This time it was too much, he had to laugh out loud. Adam couldn't remember the last time someone had succeded to make him laugh, outside of Holden. She was funny, sarcastic, ironic, and he liked it very much. « Glad to hear that grad students' stipends have not increased since I was one. »
« Did you use to live on instant ramen and bananas during your Ph.D, too ? »
« I don't like bananas, but I remember having lots of apples. » To Holden's despair, his friend living only on chocolate snacks and flavored drinks, a lot like Olive did, Adam realized. In fact, they had a lot in common if he thought about it. Both sugar and pumpkin spice addicts, both funny and kind, all things he wasn't.
« Apples are expensive, you fiscally irresponsible splurger, » she teased him before looking more attentively at him with her head tilted to the side. « How old are you ? » She finished by asking.
« Thirty-four. »
« Oh. Wow. »
Was it a good wow or a bad wow ? Was he so old to her ? He knew their age difference mustn't have been so important, no more than a decade for sure. But she seemed surprised by his answer and he wondered what she thought of it.
« I'm twenty-six, » she said.
So eight years, not that wide of a gap, right ?
« It's odd to think that you used to be a student, too. »
« Is it ? » He wondered. You do realize that I once was an infant, then a child, a teenager and a student before becoming a professor.
« Yep, » she replied. « Were you like this as an undergrad, too ? »
« Like this ? » He repeated somehow lost by her question.
« You know. Antagonistic and unapproachable. »
The words still pained him a little, but he knew her well enough to understand that she didn't mean to be harsh. He glared at her. « I might have been even worse, actually, » he confessed, trying not to dwell on the past and the hurt he still felt from his years at Harvard.
« I bet, » she just replied.
Then silence settled in the room as she sat down to eat some chips, the crisping sound resonating between them.
« So does it get better ? »
« What? »
« This, » she said while gesturing the room with one arm. « Academia. Does it get better, after grad school ? Once you have tenure ? »
« No. God no. » It was even worst if he was being honest. That made her laugh and the sweet sound echoed in the break room like music to his ears. He hadn't done it on purpose, but Adam loved being able to make her laugh.
« Why do you stick around, then ? »
« Unclear. » Because he felt a responsibility towards the next generation of scientists ? And he knew he could train them to endure the hard reality of their future. Because it was the easy solution ? To stay where he had built a lab, a life. Because that was all he had ever knew ? And he wasn't really good with changes. Because Holden was there ? He was his best friend, one of his only friends, and even though Adam would never tell him, Holden was a ray of light in his pitiful life. Because Olive was there ? At least for the time being. All of the above, and none of them. He couldn't really tell. « There's an element of sunk-coast fallacy, probably – hard to step away, when you've invested so much time and energy. But the science makes it worth it. When it works, anyway. »
« I know grad school is supposed to be miserable for everyone, but it's depressing to see tenured faculty here on a Friday night instead of, I don't know, watching Netflix in bed, or getting diner with their girlfriend. »
« I thought you were my girlfriend. » The sentence had escaped his lips on its own volition and he was relieved when she smiled at him.
« Not quite. »
Right, the fake-dating scheme. He quickly tried to change the subject of the conversation before saying something he'd regret. « Do you plan to stay in academia ? After you graduate. »
« Yes. Maybe. No. »
That made him smile, once again. Had he ever smile so much in his life before meeting Olive ? When she laughed, a wave of warmth and tingles ran through his spine, the sound echoing inside the small break room like a bouncing ball of happiness.
« Undecided. »
« Right. »
She continued. « It's just... these are things that I love about it. Being in the lab, doing research. Coming up with new ideas, feeling that I'm doing something meaningful. But if I go the academic route, then I'll also need to do a lot of other things that I just... »
He watched her shook her head like she didn't know how to continue. « Other things ? » He asked curiously, hoping to get her to open more to him. He wanted to know more about Olive. To know everything there was to know.
« Yeah. The PR stuff, mostly. Write grants and convince people to fund my research. Network, which is a special kind of hell. »
Totally agreeing with you on this one. Adam kept looking at her, amazed that she trusted him enough to confide in him like this.
« People speaking, or even one-on-one situations where I have to impress people. »
I should tell you how amazing you seem to me, how impressive you are – your personality, your research, your passion, everything you do or say.
« That's the worst actually. I hate it so much – my head explodes and I freeze and everyone is looking at me ready to judge me and my tongue paralyzes and I start wishing that I was dead and then that the world was dead and – »
Adam felt exactly the same. And on top of that, he hated people so much that he would rather prefer to drink one of Olive's pumpkin spiced coffee than speak to them, but it was part of the job description, unfortunately. That made him smile, again. And she looked at him quite sadly.
« You get the gist. »
« There are things you can do about that, if you want. It just takes practice. Making sure your thoughts are organized. Stuff like that, » he tried to reassure her. He could help her if she let him. He had had a hell of a first experience speaking in public, and had buried this fateful event deep down inside his mind, but he would do anything to avoid her something like that.
« I know. And I try to do that – I did it before my meeting with Tom. And I still stammered like an idiot when he asked me a simple question. »
The question Tom had asked wasn't simple. It was not scientific or thorough, it was not right, but Tom was like that sometimes, more interested in the futility and appearances of things than by the reality of science.
« I don't know. Maybe my brain is broken, » she finished.
Oh sweetheart, your brain is the most beautiful thing in the entire universe, Adam couldn't help thinking, shaking his head is disbelief with her lack of confidence. She was so smart, so capable, so resilient, and she couldn't even see it. If only she could see all that he saw in her. « You did great during that meeting with Tom, especially considering that you were forced to have your fake boyfriend sit next to you. Tom certainly seemed impressed, which is no small feat. And if anyone screwed up, it was definitely him. I'm sorry he did that, by the way. »
« Did what ? »
« Force you to talk about your personal life. » Adam had made a point to tell Tom afterwards what an asshole he had been to Olive. He didn't had any right to ask her about her personal life. Adam knew her reason to pursue this specific research subject was really personal to her, and he had felt her distress and her pain while Tom had pushed her to reveal it.
« Oh. » She looked away, her eyes drifting toward the vending machine which lighted the room with its faint blue light. « It's okay. It's been a while. Since high school, really. »
Unsure what to respond to her, since he never had to comfort anyone, he just said « That's... young. »
« I was fifteen. One day my mom and I were there, just... I don't even know. Kayaking. Thinking about getting a cat. Arguing over the way I'd pile stuff on top of the trash can when it was overflowing and I didn't want to take it out. And next thing I knew she had her diagnosis, and three weeks later she'd already – »
Died, he figured. Should he hug her to comfort her? Adam usually didn't like touching people, but this was Olive, and he craved to touch her, if he was honest with himself. But he was so bad at all this human interaction thing. He heard Olive's voice shaking, like she was about to burst in tears, and he just stood there motionless next to her, like a giant awkward beanpole.
« The child welfare system couldn't figure out where to send me until I became of age. »
« Your dad ? » He asked.
She shook her head, still looking at the floor in front of her. « Never in the picture. He's an asshole according to my mom. » She laughed softly and he could sense the pain hidden behind it. « The never-takes-out-the-trash gene clearly came from his side of the family. And my grandparents had died when I was a kid, because apparently that's what people around me do. I was just... alone. »
If only he could make her understand that she wasn't alone anymore. That he would be there for her, if she'd let him. He knew what loneliness was. Even though he still had his two parents, they usually acted like they didn't have a son, and without Holden he would have been all alone during his childhood and adolescence too. « What did you do ? »
« Foster home until sixteen, then I emancipated. » She shrugged, like that wasn't a big deal. But he could see that it was to her. She had lost everything and everyone. She was so strong, she had overcome so much, she was so brilliant. « If only they'd caught it earlier, even by just a few months – maybe she'd be here. Maybe surgery and chemo would have actually done something. And I... I was always good at science stuff, so I thought that the least I could do was... »
Suddenly, he saw tears appear in her eyes, and slowly roll on her cheeks. Shit, she was crying, he should have hugged her. Not sure what to do, he rummaged his pockets and found an old napkin that, after an hesitation, he held to her.
She stared at it for a few seconds. « Adam, did you just offer me a used tissue? »
« I... maybe. I panicked, » he confessed with pressed lips.
She chuckled wetly, took the napkin and used it. « I'm sorry. I'm usually not like this. »
« Like what ? »
« Weepy. I... I shouldn't talk about it. »
« Why ? » He asked, so happy and relieved that she trusted him enough to open up to him like this, about her past, her pains, hoping to be able to do the same for her. But it was not the time for it, this was about her, and only her.
« Because. It makes me weepy. »
Fighting the sudden urge that took over him to wrap his arms around Olive – to shield her from the world, to erase the ache he read in her beautiful green eyes, to make her understand that she was not alone anymore – he smiled. « Olive, you can talk about it. And you should let yourself be weepy. »
I am here to comfort you, sweetheart. I'll listen to you, to anything you are ready to offer me, and maybe one day I could do the same with you.
She looked at him with piercing eyes and, after a few seconds of hesitation, changed the subject of the conversation with a shrug. « Anyway now here I am. Loving lab work and barely dealing with the rest – abstracts, conferences, networking. Teaching. Rejected grants. » With a wave of her hand toward him, she added « Failed dissertation proposals. »
« Is your lab mate still giving you a hard time ? »
Olive waved her hand dismissively. « I'm not his favorite person but it's fine. He'll get over it. »
Adam surely hoped so. It was an other thing he was worry about regarding the possibility of dating her, that she would become a target for anyone who had a biff with him, and unfortunately there were quite a list...
She bit her lip, like she was uneasy about what she wanted to say. « I'm sorry about the other night. I was rude. Your have every right to be mad. »
He would never be mad at her, and she was only speaking the truth, he knew it. His personality was a lot to bear, Holden often told him to loose it a little, to be less harsh with his students, but he couldn't help it. No, if he was being honest, he didn't want to. He had a responsibility towards them, they needed to be strong enough to handle whatever their future jobs held for them. He shook his head, she didn't have to apologize for anything, she had been cornered by a fellow grad student and she had suffer because of Adam's actions. « It's okay. I understand where you were coming from. »
« I do get what you're saying. About not wanting to form a new generation of crappy millennial scientists. »
« I don't believe I ever used the expression 'crappy millennial scientists'. »
« But FIY, I still think that you don't need to be that harsh when you give feedback. We get the gist of what you're saying, even if you give criticism more nicely. »
Adam stared at her, he had the impression of hearing Holden speak to him. They were really a lot alike, Olive and Holden, believing that people could be good, even him. But he wasn't, he didn't know how to be. Except that around her, he was. He didn't really understand why or how, but she made him an other man entirely. Softer, more patient, a better listener, like she had tamed the wild beast that was trapped inside of him. He felt both amazed and terrified by it, and looking at her, he could see that she had no idea of the effect she had on him. Remembering what she had just told him, he nodded. « Noted. »
« Are you going to be less harsh, then ? »
« Unlikely, » he admitted, since he didn't know how to behave otherwise. However he liked the fact that she thought he could.
She sighed. « You know, when I have no more friends and everyone hates me because of this fake-dating thing, I'll be super lonely and you are going to have to hang with me every day. I'll annoy you all the time. Is it really worth being mean to every grad in the program ? »
« Absolutely. » And he meant it. The possibility of spending more time with Olive was exhilarating. And if the only thing it required from him was to be his moody self, it was perfect.
Olive sighed, but a smile was lightening her face. When she leaned in the couch and rested her head on his shoulder, so casually, Adam felt his heart skip a beat. Her temple rested on his shoulder, her skin almost cold, her touch like a feather, her presence rising a fluttering sensation inside Adam's body. After a few seconds of surprise, he sank in this new closeness, absorbing the memory of this perfect moment. Olive and him were alone, in the dark break room, in silence, just enjoying each other's presence. No need for words or questions, nothing more than two people resting after a long day of work. It felt so normal, so right, that he just sat there, his mind calm and yet filled with her.
Several minutes passed, his senses filling themselves with every sensation he could gather of Olive : her sweet and fruity smell, the sound of her relaxed breath, the feeling of her head against him. His brain saturated with all of this, Adam almost forgot what they were talking about. When he finally remembered, he resumed the conversation, almost regretfully. « I'm not sorry for asking Greg to revise his proposal. But I am sorry that I created a situation that led him to take it out on you. That as long as this continues, it might happen again. »
« Well, I am sorry about the texts I sent. And you're fine. Even if you’re antagonistic and unapproachable. »
« Good to hear. »
« I should go back to the lab, » she said while sitting up on the couch.
He felt like a sudden coldness crossing his body as her head no longer rested on his shoulder. Why did she have to leave ?
« My disastrous blotting is not going to fix itself. »
He stared at her, her words reaching his brain, and he blinked to gather his thoughts. He could help her with her analysis, he was good at his work, and maybe she would stay a little longer with him. « Why disastrous? »
She groaned. « It's just... » She took out her phone and showed him a picture of her Western blot. « See ? This – it shouldn't... »
He saw, the analysis was a failure. He nodded, thinking about what the problem could have been. He could solve this for her. « You're sure the starting sample was good ? And the gel ? » He proposed.
« Yep, not runny, or dried out. »
« It looks like the antibody might be the problem. »
She looked up at him, and he thought he saw a hint of relief and hope in her eyes. « You think so ? »
Yes, he did. He had seen enough Western blot during his carrier to understand in a matter of second what was wrong. If he could let her benefit from his expertise, it would made him happy. « Yep. I'd check the dilution and the buffer. If not that, it might also be a wonky secondary antibody. Come by my lab if it still doesn't work ; you can borrow ours. Same for other piece of equipment or supplies. If there's anything you need, just ask my lab manager. »
« Oh, wow. Thank you. »
Anything for you, sweetheart. I can't go to your advisor on your behalf, but I'll do anything to help you succeed. To ease your work.
She smiled at him. « Now I'm actually a bit sorry that I can't have you on my dissertation committee. Perhaps rumors of your cruelty have been greatly exaggerated. »
He felt a smile rise his lips. No they were not, unfortunately. But the idea that Olive could see past his harshness was so comforting. « Maybe you just pull out the best in me ? » And it was true, so true. How did she manage to make him a totally different person ?
She grinned. « Then maybe I should stick around. Just, you know, to save the department from your terrible moods? »
Not sure how to respond to that, Adam glanced at her phone with the picture of her failed Western blot and decided to go with dark humor. « Well, it doesn't look like you're going to graduate anytime soon. »
The noise that she made almost startled him. It was a mixture of laughter and shock. « Oh my God. Did you just – ? »
« Objectively – » he continued, restraining himself from laughing with her.
« This is the rudest, meanest thing – » she managed to say between the fact that she had to held her stomach with one hand from laughing too hard and that she was waving her other hand at him.
« --based on your blotting— »
« – that anyone could ever say to a Ph.D. student, ever. »
Deciding to stop their intertwined conversations, although it was the most fun he had had in a very long time, he responded to her last sentence. « I think I can find meanest things. If I really put myself to it. »
Okay, I couldn't probably, since it's about you and not any random grad, but I have to stand up to my reputation, you smart-ass.
« We're done. Seriously. It was nice while it lasted. »
A wide smile still plastered to her face, Olive began to move to stand up. His reflex was to reach for her arm and he grabbed her sleeve to stop her. He didn't let go of her shirt until she sat down next to him again. He would keep her there with him all night if he could. He didn't care about the grant proposal he had to finish, or the report she had to write for Tom. The only thing that mattered was them. Olive and Adam. Together, so close. She kept glaring at him, and he kept staring at her, with a mixture of pure happiness and rightfulness.
« There's nothing bad about taking more than five years to graduate. » But he knew she was way too smart and determined to be this long. She was too brilliant to spend more than five years in grad school, but he wanted to reassure her that in the unlikely event that she did, it would still be okay.
She huffed. « You just want me to stay around forever. Until you have the biggest, fattest, strongest Title IX case to ever exist. »
« That was my plan all along, in fact. The one and only reason I kissed you out of the blue, » he teased.
« Oh, shut up, » she retorted, ducking her chin into her chest, unsuccessfully hiding her large smile.
He was amazed to make her smile and laugh so easily. Adam wasn't really known for his sense of humor, usually.
« Hey, can I ask you something ? » She questioned him.
Anything you want, he thought, but he remained silent and still, looking at her, wondering what she wanted to know.
« Why are you really doing this ? » She asked with a low voice.
« Doing what ? »
« The fake dating. I understand that you want to look like you're not a flight risk, but... Why aren't you really dating someone ? I mean you're not that bad. »
« High praise. » Especially coming from you. It's a compliment I'm happy to collect.
« No, come on, what I meant was... Based on your fake-dating behavior, I'm sure that a lot of women... well, some women would love to real date you. »
But the only one I want to date is you, Olive. The words almost escaped his mouth as he watched her play with the hem of her pants' hole on the right knee.
« We're friends, » she said without looking at him. « We weren't when we started, but we are now. You can tell me. »
Friends ? She thought of him as a friend ? He wasn't sure what to think of it. On one hand, he was amazed and happy that she considered him a friend, but on the other hand, he didn't want to be her friend. He wanted so much more than that. But if she let him be her friend, he would have to settle for that. « Are we ? » He asked, wanting to know what she really felt toward him.
She nodded vigorously. She really thought of them as friends. « Well, you did just break one of the sacred tenets of academic friendships by mentioning my graduation timeline. But I'll forgive you if you tell me if this is really better than... you know, getting a real girlfriend. »
« It is, » as long as the fake-girlfriend is you, it really is. Unless the real girlfriend is also you.
« Really ? » She insisted.
« Yes. »
« Why, though ? Do you enjoy the sunscreen-mediated fondling ? And the opportunity to donate hundreds of dollars to the campus Starbucks ? »
He felt a smile raising on his lips at the reminder of those memories she was referring to. And then, an older memory took over his mind. A white tiled restroom, filled with a crying beautiful woman. A meeting caused by expired contacts. A conversation engraved in his temporal lobe. He had to tell her. It was the right moment. He swallowed with difficulty, a knot forming in his throat as he tried to gather his courage. « Olive, » he started. He breathed heavily, searching for the right words. « You should know that we had met before. Before all of this. »
« Sure, » she responded. « We worked in the same department for nearly three years, we had to have cross-pathed on some conference, or in the hallways. »
He lifted his gaze that was fixed on the table in front of them and dived it into her green emerald's eyes. « No, I'm referring to something else. To a meeting that took place two years, eleven months and three weeks ago. » He watched her brows frown.
« What are you talking about? I don't understand. »
« Do you remember the day you came to interview for the Ph.D program ? »
She nodded, seeming lost.
« That day, you walked into a restroom because you had put expired contacts and they had hurt your eyes. »
Olive slowly froze, a silent 'how' forming on her lips. Then, a realization seemed to hit her.
He continued. « That day, a man talked to you. You told him about your doubts, your reason to enter grad school. »
Her eyes widened more and more with every word he said, and Adam almost stop talking. But he couldn't, not now. He had to tell her, finally tell her.
« He never forgot you. Or what you had said. And when you entered the biology department a few weeks later, he never got the nerve to talk to you again. But he never forgot you. I never forgot you. » Adam felt that his cheeks had turned red as he was spilling the truth, after all this time.
Olive kept staring at him, silent and still. And he waited for her to react, terrified. Would she be upset ? Mad at him ? Hurt ?
After what seemed to be an eternity, she opened her mouth, then closed it. Opened it again, and she laughed. The sound was so incongruous that Adam didn't know if it was a good or a bad reaction. « It was you ! You're the bathroom guy ! » She blurted out. Then she laughed again, as he looked at her puzzled.
'The bathroom guy' ? Just like Holden had spent almost three years calling her 'the bathroom girl' ?
He smiled, first shyly, then openly when she laid her gaze into his eyes, looking obviously happy.
« It was you, » she repeated, « and you remember. »
How could he ever have not remembered ? « You... You are very memorable, » he confessed.
« But I wasn't. I am not, really. »
« Is that what you think about yourself ? » He couldn't believe that she didn't realized how amazing she was.
« I'm just a grad amongst so many others, no big deal, » she shrugged.
« You're so much more than that, Olive, » he said with a soft voice, looking at her with a mix of adoration and pain. « I only wish you could believe more in yourself. »
She diverted her eyes from him, her cheeks blushing. A silence fell on the room, while Adam's heart raced inside his chest, so loud he was afraid Olive would hear it. Then, she spoke again, her face still reddened, but a ghost of a smile turning the corner of her mouth upwards.
« I don't think you realize what that conversation had meant for me, » she said shyly.
Adam frowned. Did she realized what it had meant for him ? An encounter that had shaped the rest of his whole life into a shrine for a young woman he barely knew. He had never believed about this stupid 'love at first sight' crap before, and then, his eyes had laid on her, and everything had changed. For the better.
« I was so close to drop everything, to abandon my purpose, and then he was. This man I didn't know, who gave me a nudge in the right direction, who listened to me and pushed me to see what I had been too blind to see. That it really was my purpose, to go through that road, to enter the Ph.D program. »
She finally rose her head and met his gaze, still fixed on her. Her smile was more visible, and it lightened her eyes with a glimmer that send shivers through Adam's body to finally concentrate in his navel. « Thank you, » she just said.
An hesitation. He wanted to touch her, he craved for it, but could he ? Would she let him ? He lifted his hand, hovered it in the air, his movement followed by her eyes, and tentatively reached for her arm. He grazed it, seeing her skin flutter with goosebumps. His heart beat even harder and louder, and he finally took her hand in his, swallowing the small form inside his huge palm. « Glad I had been able to help you, » he replied with a hoarse voice.
He could feel Olive's hand clutching to his own, and time froze as he lost himself into her eyes, small golden flickers dancing inside her green irises. His brain stopped entirely, his heart too, and he forgot how to breeze.
« Oh my God ! »
They both startled, their hands entangling themselves as they turned toward the entrance.
Dammit ! What is this fucking kid doing here at this hour ?
Jeremy was standing in the door frame of the break room, one hand dramatically clutching his sternum. « You guys scared the shit out of me. What are you doing sitting in the dark ? »
Not your fucking business ! You moron who couldn't even see what treasure you had when you dated this wonderful woman. Although Adam could thank him for letting her go.
Olive replied, with a somehow unsettled voice « just chatting. »
Was that all that they were doing in her eyes ? Chatting ? It felt more like Adam was spilling his whole heart to her, but maybe she didn't understand what it meant to him, being able to open up like that. Or maybe she did, but she just wanted to keep this little bubble of comfort – and he didn't know how to phrase it, rightfulness maybe ? – between the two of them. He stayed frozen on the couch, while Jeremy and Olive continued speaking. He suddenly saw her look at him and he snapped out of his own mind into reality.
« Just taking a quick break. I was about to go back, actually, » she said to the grad.
That was it, she was leaving. Jeremy was still talking, but he didn't listen to him, his focus entirely pointed toward Olive, still seated next to him, her body radiating against his. What would he have done if this intruder hadn't interrupted them ? Would he have told her about his true feelings ? No, it was too soon, she trusted him, finally. They were friends, she had told him so. But for him, it had been three years, three long years, of longing, of waiting, of wanting. However, he had to wait, just a little longer. For her to be ready. He heard her laugh, but not a real laugh, not like the ones they had shared. Just a polite laugh. And, without knowing why, Adam liked that.
« You coming with, Ol ? » Jeremy asked.
« Sure, » she said before stooding up. Adam followed her lead, trying to get back to reality, gathering the wrappers and the bottle on the table to put them into the recycling bins. Reality sucked.
« Have a good night, Dr. Carlsen, » Jeremy offered.
Adam just nodded, restraining himself to strangle this annoying interruption. His head was still running probabilities, possibilities, of what would have happened if Jeremy hadn't entered this damn door.
« See you, Adam. Right ? » Olive murmured when he motioned toward the exit. His heart skipped a beat. She was calling him Adam, she wanted to see him again, despite what he had told her. Maybe because of what he had told her ? Hope started to bloom inside his chest. He stopped in front of her, and reached for her hand. He softly brushed her knuckles, feeling her soft skin shake under his touch. He could see from the corner of his eyes Jeremy staring at them with something that looked like embarrassment, but he didn't even care. All he cared about was his sweet Olive. He took her hand in his, and slowly rose it to his lips. He softly put a kiss on her fingers before saying « Good night, Olive. » She flushed, her eyes wide open, a hint of surprise on her pink face. Then, he let go of her hand and left the room without looking behind him.
His cheeks were burning hot, his blood rushing to his face and definitely gathering inside his groin at the same time. He rushed into his office, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. His breathing was irregular, his heartbeat so fast he feared the organ could burst out of his chest. He tried to reason with his body. This was nothing. They had already kissed in public, she had applied sunscreen on his bare torso in front of the entire biology department. This was just a brushing of his lips against her hand. He shouldn't react like that. Like a horny teenager. But he couldn't help it. The things she made him feel.
Adam sighed and after a few minutes, managed to calm himself enough to go back to his work. This grant proposal wasn't going to write itself. Later that night, he was submerged in an analysis when he felt his phone buzzing in his back pocket. He frowned. Who could contact him this late ? When he reached for his phone, Olive's name was on the screen, with a message he rushed to read.
Olive : You were right, the problem was the antibody. Ran my Western blot again and everything's perfect now !
Adam looked at his phone with a grin on his face. So, he hadn't terrified her with his idiotic move. Good. Great. What now ? What should he text her back ? His thumbs frozen over the screen, he considered a few possibilities. He must have been to long to respond because an other text lightened his screen.
Olive : Thanks.
Adam : You're welcome.
Three dots appeared on his phone, flickered for a few seconds, then disappeared. His brows frowned. The three dots appeared again, a little longer this time. He waited.
Olive : Still working ?
Adam : Yep.
Olive : Don't forget to sleep. Eventually.
He smiled at his screen like an idiot. His fingers taped his answer without even thinking.
Adam : Could say the same to you.
Olive : Oh, grads don't sleep. Don't you know that ?
Olive : At least I had a few chips to eat. And a Twix.
Adam : A real feast !
Olive : Exactly ! Thanks again, BTW.
She didn't need to thank him. He would do anything to take care of her.
Adam : Don't mention it. No big deal.
Olive : If you say so...
He kept staring at his phone, not paying attention to the centrifuge stopping on the table he was working on. The analysis he was currently running had slipped out of his mind.
Olive : Anyway, shouldn't keep a old man like you awake this late. Good night !
You smart-ass ! His smile got wider. If anyone entered the lab right now, they would never recognize Dr Adam-ass-Carlsen in this more than happy man, smiling at a few texts. When the emoji of a kiss appeared on his screen, his smile vanished. His chest filled with a sudden burst of warmth. A groan slowly rose in his stomach and made his way to his mouth, filling the empty lab. Not sure how to respond, he just stared at the emoji, hoping she could deliver the kiss in person.
After a long moment, the screen of his phone black, Adam gathered his thoughts and returned to reality. He noticed the centrifuge had stopped, the dark of the night slowly giving away announcing the first light of dawn through the large windows. How long had he been lost in his mind ? How startled had he been just by a simple emoji ? He shook his head, and turned on his phone to check the time. Four fifteen a.m. Shit, he still had a lot of work to do, and he should nap a few hours.
When he stood, his limbs were numb, he was seating in the same position for too long. He cracked his neck and stretched his arms and legs. Olive hadn't said anything about what he had disclose to her about their first meeting in her texts. This stressed him, even if their exchange had been overly friendly and teasing, as always. Should he talk to her about it again ? Or let it slide if she didn't want to approach the subject again ? She had seemed happy when they were talking about it. If only this dammit Jeremy hadn't interrupted them...
Then what ? What would he have done or said ? Adam realized he didn't know. He had moved on pure instinct, looking at Olive close to him, listening to her confide about her childhood and her mother. Would he have dare telling her about what he truly felt ? About the ordeal this fake-dating scheme put him through ? Adam shook his head. No, she was a grad, he was faculty. But everyone else already thought they were together, really together. All that mattered was Olive. He would wait until she was ready. Until she decided to make this real. And if she didn't want to, he would follow her wishes, even if it would kill him, surely.
They still had a little more time before the 29th of september. Adam would wait, he had to. And until then, he would be there for her. To help her, to feed her, to comfort her, to listen to her. Anything for her. Anything for Olive.
He reached for his phone, put it back in his pocket, and busied himself with work until the sun rose and Saturday officially began. An other weekend at his lab, he sighed, hoping that Olive had the opportunity to get some sleep and finish Tom's report.