Chapter Text
Mina didn’t know what she was doing. She let her head fall against the table in the convenience store, not bothering to let her arms buffer the fall. She made sure to go to a store that was out of the way, so not very convenient in terms of locality, but in terms of… anonymity. She didn’t want Chaeyoung or Sana or Dahyun to find her like this. Again.
She pushed the drink she’d purchased around on the table and looked out the window. It was night time in Seoul, but the streets were well-lit. It had to be nearing 1AM, and Chaeyoung would definitely be worried. She’d probably tried to call Mina, but her phone was off, which would just worry Chaeyoung even more.
“Chae, I’m sorry,” Mina whispered to the sticky table.
She grabbed her unopened drink and left the store, walking quickly toward the apartment she shared with the other girls. She took a deep breath before getting to their block, then slowed her pace, cracked open the bottle of the energy drink, and took a few swigs.
When she sauntered into their apartment, Chaeyoung was all over her.
“Mina!” She nearly shouted the word right in her face. “Where were you? I tried calling, but—”
Mina held up the drink and smiled as best she could. “I was just out getting a drink, Chae. To pull another all-nighter.”
“Out getting a drink for five hours?” Chaeyoung folded her arms and stared up at Mina.
Mina sighed. She knew this would be a tough sell.
Sana stumbled from the bedroom she shared with Dahyun, rubbing at her eyes, sleep mask pushed up on her forehead, her hair sticking up under it. She’d clearly been asleep, but not asleep enough.
Mina bit her lip to keep from cursing. Her luck was getting worse and worse. Her one comfort was that Dahyun was a deep sleeper. At least she wouldn’t be getting up.
Sana pouted a bit as she approached Mina, simply taking her hand and leading her away from a fuming Chae to the couch. They sat down while Chae perched on the counter in their kitchen, staring at both of them. Even when she wasn’t looking, Mina felt Chaeyoung’s eyes boring into her.
Things had been tense between them ever since she started wandering and stopped talking. As Chaeyoung put it, she spoke, but she didn’t really tell her anything.
“I need you to talk to me Mina…” Chae had said just the other night when they were cuddled up in bed. “Let me in, please?”
Mina didn’t know how to answer, so she didn’t. She pretended she was asleep, but she heard Chae sigh and felt her pull her even closer. A gentle hand stroked her hair.
“What goes on in your mind?” Chaeyoung whispered. “What is so horrible that you can’t tell even me?”
And it broke Mina’s heart, but she was protecting Chaeyoung, really. Chae would understand… Except she didn’t seem like she understood right now.
“Minari,” Sana said softly, in the way only she could. “Where were you?”
Mina held up the drink and smiled again.
“Wandering again?” Sana asked, gently pushing Mina’s hand down.
Mina’s smile faltered.
“You don’t need to worry, Sana,” Mina said, wanting this conversation to end already. She’d never wanted it to start in the first place.
“But I do, and it’s because I love you,” Sana said. Sana had a way of speaking so simply and lovingly, and cutting Mina right to the core with the pure love she felt from the other girl.
Ever since she’d met Sana and their other friend, Momo, also exchange students from Japan, they’d been inseparable. That’s why when Sana graduated and asked Mina and Chaeyoung to join her and Dahyun at her new apartment instead of another year in the dorms, Mina said yes as soon as she and Chae talked it over.
“More privacy,” Chaeyoung had said with a smirk on her face before grabbing Mina and laying her down on the bed in their dorm. They giggled as Chaeyoung started to kiss her…
Sana pulled Mina close and stroked her hair. “It’s late, so we’ll talk in the morning.” She squeezed Mina before letting her go. “Get some rest, okay?”
“I have class—”
“You don’t have class until ten,” Sana said with a small, sad smile. “And you’re an early riser.” She kissed Mina’s forehead. “Bed, okay?” She glanced over Mina’s shoulder, and Mina knew she was looking at Chaeyoung.
Sana left, and Mina stayed on the couch, afraid to face her girlfriend.
She heard Chae jump down from the counter. She tapped Mina on the shoulder.
“Come on.” There was no malice in her voice, but exhaustion.
Mina was exhausting Chae and she knew it, but she didn’t know how to stop.
Mina didn’t know why she always listened to Chae. She could say no. She had on occasion, and of course Chaeyoung respected her, but in times like these, she blindly listened to Chaeyoung even when everything in her was screaming at her not to because Chaeyoung was not only leading her toward their bedroom, but toward vulnerability. Toward her pleading eyes that Mina couldn’t face.
Chaeyoung gently took hold of Mina's arm and guided her to their bedroom as if she couldn’t find her way there herself. Once they were in there, Mina swore Chae wanted to lock the door to keep Mina from leaving again.
“I was so worried,” Chae said quietly. She sank down onto her bed, head in her hands. “Mina…”
What else could she say?
“I’m sorry, Chae. I really am.” Mina turned to face the door, willing herself not to run out it.
“Just… why?”
Mina shook her head and slid down, back against the door. She closed her eyes to try to stop the buzzing in her head. The energy drink wasn’t helping with that. The buzzing was the reason why she’d been wandering in the first place. It was a jumble of words that overwhelmed her until she felt like she couldn’t breathe.
Don’t tell Chaeyoung. Don’t tell Sana. Don’t tell anyone. You’re already exhausting them enough, and now you want to be a burden on them? Just keep quiet.
Mina could feel the last piece that was holding her together, keeping her upright, allowing her to move forward in life, barely staying intact. She had to get it together quickly before it shattered and she crumbled into oblivion, though that would sure make things easier for her.
She took a steady breath in and held it for a moment, then slowly let it out, focusing on how the air felt against her lips, warm, then cool all too soon.
“Mina?”
Mina didn’t have to open her eyes to know Chae was in front of her, probably kneeling down, looking at her with concern. Mina kept her eyes shut.
“Mina…” Chae placed her hands over Mina’s. “Whatever it is…”
Mina forced a smile onto her face and popped her eyes open.
“It’s just stress, Chae, just stress. I’m sorry… The wandering… It’s how I clear my mind.”
Chae looked into Mina’s eyes, and Mina wanted to break eye contact, but knew she couldn’t. She let Chaeyoung read her soul. They both knew she was lying.
Chaeyoung hoisted Mina up and pulled her toward her bed.
“Chae, please—” Mina tried to wriggle away from the younger girl, but she was too strong, and despite the bit of the energy drink she’d had, Mina was tired.
But the buzzing in her head wouldn’t stop.
You don’t deserve Chaeyoung. You don’t deserve Sana, Momo, Dahyun, any of them. You don’t deserve—
“Mina!”
From the way Chaeyoung was shaking her, Mina could tell she’d been trying to get her attention for a while.
You’ll never amount to anything, Forget about your senior thesis, your internship. You’ve barely begun and you’re already a failure. Just think of last year, how you barely—
Mina couldn’t really hear Chae over the buzzing. She put her hands on her chest, trying to get air into her lungs, but they felt empty. The world started to swirl around her. She shut her eyes tightly, waiting for the darkness to overtake her, but instead she felt herself get pushed onto something soft, she felt someone take her hands from her chest, she heard counting, and her breathing instinctively matched it.
When she could finally open her eyes, she blinked a few times, then saw Sana peering down at her. She saw the worry on her face that was quickly replaced by a bright smile when she realized Mina was looking up at her.
“Minari!” She hugged Mina. “I’m here. It’s okay, you’re okay.”
Mina could feel Chae hovering somewhere in the background, but she couldn’t face her. She wanted her bed to swallow her whole. Only Sana had ever seen her dissolve into herself like that. She’d never, never wanted anyone else, let alone Chaeyoung, to witness that.
When Mina tried to sit up, Sana gently pushed her back down.
“Minari,” she said. “Where did you go?”
Mina knew she didn’t mean Where did you wander to? but rather, Where did you go in your mind?
“It’s one of those days,” was all Mina could say before she had to shut her eyes again, her head spinning with the buzzing again.
She knew Sana was saying something, but she couldn’t hear.
It’s one of those days, one of those days…