Archive of Our Own

“And you know you love him

And you might be in love with him (And you're falling in love with him)

And you know you love him

And you might be in love with him (And you might fall in love with him)

And you know you love him

And you might be in love with him (And you might fall in love with him)

And you know you love him

And you might be in love with him (And you're falling in love with him)” 

- His Hands, Blegh

-

The first time Todd ever noticed his soulmark he was seven. He’s sure it was there before then, probably from the minute his soulmate could think consciously. But he could only remember it from the age of seven. Jeffrey’d explained it when he asked, showing off his own mark.

“You see how my wrist has words on it?” Jeff presented his inner wrist, the words I hate geometry written in black across it. “That's my soulmate, or, well, their strongest thought. Right now, they’re thinking really hard about how much they hate geometry, but later, it’ll change to something else.”

Todd nodded, eyes wide. “So, this is mine?” 

Jeff laughed. “Yeah, they’re yours. They can see yours, too.”

“So if I think really hard, they’ll see my thoughts?”

“Mhm. Maybe.”

He tilted his head. “What's a soulmate for, Jeff?”

Jeff laughed a little. “Big question. Um… well, the universe gives us all a special person made just for us. You’ll love them, and they’ll love you. It's true love, like in the movies and stuff.”

“So like… my soulmate’s hand fits my hand when holding hands?” Todd asked, examining his hands. 

Jeff snorted. “Yeah, sure. Their hand is the perfect hand to hold yours, and the same thing reversed.”

Todd nodded again as Jeffrey wandered off into the kitchen for a snack. Glancing down at his own writing, Todd smiled. 

This is fun!

Todd wondered a lot about what thoughts soulmate saw, and what they thought of them. Which thoughts had made their way to their wrist? Did they think about this too? It made his little ten year old heart thrum with electric currents thinking about it.

Charlie’s so stupid.

Who was Charlie? A friend? Sibling? Cousin? Todd wanted to know everything about his soulmate's life, and one day he would. 

But, with the wonderful idea that somewhere out in the world there was somebody made to be with him, came the dreadful realisation that some kind, good person was going to be stuck with Todd. Boring, insignificant, and weird. Somebody was subjected to having Todd as a soulmate, having the second best, having the never enough, having the clumsy and awkward and quiet. It made his heart pause for a little bit. 

Would his soulmate be disappointed? Would they, too, like Jeffrey more than him? Would they want Todd, or would their hands be perfectly shaped for the other’s, and they’d still pull away? Would they come to resent their mark - resent Todd? Would they be upset at the universe for sticking them with somebody like Todd? 

It left a sour taste in his mouth, thinking about the person on the other end of his wrist, excited to meet their soulmate like he was. They’d surely lose all of their excitement once they came to know him. 

This is so unfair.

Todd frowned down at his soulmark, sitting cross legged on his bed. It’d been like this for the past hour and a half - whatever was so unfair, his soulmate was clearly hung up about it. One flaw of this soulmate system, in Todd’s opinion, was how out of context the thoughts were. There was no explanation, no play-by-play of the events that lead up to it. You got what you got, and it frustrated Todd to no end. Fourteen year old angst was not helping, either.

He wanted to send something comforting, but he didn’t have the vaguest idea of what he could say. How did you comfort someone during a situation you had no insight into, and to somebody you didn’t even know? 

Part of him needed to comfort them. He needed to prove that despite all of his shortcomings, despite how much he fell short, that he could be good enough. That he could be a worthy soulmate. He was terrified of his soulmate sometimes. He’d lay awake at night horrified that they’d meet him, and that his perfect fit would hate him. He was afraid they’d cut their connection, he was afraid they wouldn’t like him. Because if even his soulmate couldn’t stand him, it was a confirmation that no one could; it was a confirmation that Todd, truly, really, was unloveable.

His mom called him down for dinner. Focusing on sending something along the lines of I hope you feel better soon, Todd stood and pulled his sleeve down. He hoped it was enough (he didn’t think it was).

His soulmate seemed very sad, which is what Todd decided by the time he was 15. Not that he wasn’t quite depressing too as a soulmate, but over the years Todd had come to notice the casual melancholy that plagued a majority of the thoughts his soulmate sent. 

Who even am I?

Todd was too busy pondering on a response to that monumental question, so zoned in on it that he hadn’t noticed Jeff standing in the doorframe, watching him. “You alright?”

He jumped. “God! Aren’t you supposed to be at Welton?”

“Spring break, Toddo. Got in this morning.” Jeffrey pushed off the door, sitting on the edge of Todd’s bed. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Just. Soulmark stuff.” He gestured vaguely to his wrist. “They seem sad, I kinda want to comfort them but I don’t know how, you know?”

Jeffrey kicked his shoes off, twisting to lean back on Todd’s pillow. “There’s no guarantee what you think will even end up on their wrist, it’s not like you can tell. You don’t have to feel bad; it’s literally out of your control. Like breathing, I guess.” Jeff tapped him with a socked foot. 

Todd sighed. “I guess you’re right. I just want to be a good soulmate.”

“That’s such a vague, subjective thing to want.” Jeff snorted. “They’re your soulmate. They can’t not like you; you’re made for them. And they’re made for you. So just enjoy the trip, okay?”

“Okay.” Todd replied. He didn’t believe it. 

He was starting to think he didn’t want to meet his soulmate. 

Todd’s first day at Welton was starting off incredibly dull. The headmaster spoke with such a boring drawl, it made Todd want to tear his eardrums out and snap them. His mother seemed enthralled, though. He was really dreading being here.

Glancing down at his wrist was an accident, really. He didn’t mean to look at his soulmark, but the words were far more interesting than whatever this old guy was saying.

I hate my dad.

Todd’s most immediate thought was along the lines of ‘my soulmate doesn’t have a dad, clearly’. Which, wasn’t the nicest thing to think, but it was the first. He stifled down the laugh bubbling in his throat, coughing into his elbow to hide it from his mother. It was a much needed moment of light in the monotone gray. 

After Todd had been compared to Jeffrey for the first time in this awful school, he’d met Neil Perry. 

The first thing Todd had noticed, oddly enough, was his hands. They weren’t anything spectacular, or even particularly notable, but Todd picked his hands out first. They were thin, but not gangly, large, but not cruel looking, pale, but not sickly. They looked strong despite their smoothness, like they’d managed to be strengthened without a single finger being lifted.  Todd wasn’t sure why he’d taken note of this, but he had. Neil Perry had very nice hands.

Neil Perry was terrifying. Not in the normal sense; Neil Perry actually seemed very, very nice. His smile was blinding in the way a glittering pool was; reflective of the world around him, not blinding. His handshake was firm and warm - as expected, from the look of his hands - in Todd’s, like he was doing it out of genuine respect and not just politeness. His hair was pushed back but not in the stuck up way, every strand seemingly precise in its placing even though he kept running his hands through it. He looked like the teenage heartthrobs that Jeffrey would roll his eyes at on TV (Todd tried not to think too hard on that one).

What made Neil Perry so, so terrifying to Todd was how much space he took up. Neil Perry Existed with a capital E. He was so unabashedly alive, his movements fluid like they’d been choreographed and rehearsed time and time again but without ever seeming unnatural. He was loud, but not obnoxious, he was snarky, but not rude, he was everything, he was everywhere. He commanded attention and respect without ever seeming overbearing. He was clearly the brightest star among his galaxy, but he didn’t seem to make anybody's light dimmer despite that fact.

Neil Perry had a gravity to him; it pulled you into his orbit, he took up so much space, but he’d somehow managed to never take up anybody else’s space but his own. Unlike so many times before, Todd was standing with somebody so terrifyingly much, but he wasn’t any less of a person beside them. It made him feel naked; so, so unused to having room to be that it made Todd realise how long it’d actually been since he existed on his own.

Todd Anderson was terrified of Neil Perry, it was certain. When Neil and his friends exited out into the hallway, it felt like Todd was able to melt for the first time since they’d met. He looked down at his wrist.

Woah…

He chuckled to himself. You and me both, he thought, as he got his desk in order. Todd just hoped Neil Perry would release him back out into the vast expanse of space, or else Todd might suffocate to death before the end of the semester. 

Neil Perry did not, in fact, release Todd back out into the vast expanse of space. In fact, he did the opposite, practically shoving his way into Todd’s little edge of the universe despite the fact Todd had the opposite of a gravitational pull. It should’ve been annoying, it should’ve made Todd feel cramped, feel like he was backed into a corner.

But something about it felt right, like something inside Todd was clicking into place. Neil refused to let Todd breathe and instead of suffocating, Todd had never felt more alive. Whenever Neil so much as looked at him, it was like his nerves stood up to attention, like his bones were itching to peel from his skin and lay themselves at Neil’s feet, like his entire being wanted to be part of Neil’s mini universe. 

Mr Keating wasn’t helping either. He seemed hellbent on making sure Todd could not curl up into a ball and die on the floor when anybody looked at him. He thought that when he came to Welton, he’d just be another face in the crowd, but nobody would allow him to. It was a little exhausting.

Neil kept trying to insert Todd into his group of friends. It was strange, or Todd felt like it should’ve been. But for some reason Todd couldn’t place, it wasn’t. Neil was weird, but Todd found it endearing in a way that made his heart ache. If it was anybody else, Neil’s persistence would be extremely annoying. But it was Neil, so it wasn’t. 

This is gonna be a good year.

Keating was an absolute enigma of a man. The Dead Poets Society sounded like some kind of cult (he wasn’t yet convinced it wasn’t a cult), but Neil and his band of friends (some more than others, Cameron seemed to be the only sane one most days) were fascinated by it. The appeal of sneaking out into the woods in the dead of night to read poetry in a dingy cave was lost on Todd. 

Neil, however, was ecstatic about the idea, a sense of passion and excitement rolling off him in waves that followed him around during most things he ever did. Todd tried to refuse, he really, really did. Tried to stay steadfast in his decision to not be part of the Dead Poets Society, but Neil, as always, won out. He went as far as to ask his friends if Todd could come. Todd’s heart was going to throw itself onto the floor sooner or later.

During the first meeting, Todd didn’t say or do much - which was usual, really - laughing when he couldn’t help himself and even at some point joining in on the infectious joy of dancing around the cave. It was fun, was what Todd came to realise. The friends, the society, everything - it was fun - and it wasn’t meant for somebody like Todd. Todd, who couldn’t bring himself to look people in the eyes most of the time. Todd, who wasn’t an idiot but who wasn’t smart either. Todd, who nobody really knew. Todd, who’d never be Jeffrey.

He was invading, putting himself into Neil’s (and his friends’) fun activity where he did not belong.  Their little group was complete. Neil was their fearless but compassionate leader, Cameron was the common sense, Meeks and Pitts (who, he found out, were soulmates. It made sense) were the brains and humour, Charlie was the chaos and courage, and Knox was the everyman (which sounds bad, but being completely normal was something Todd admired). They all had their place. 

Todd considered these thoughts in the middle of the night, rubbing over the words on his wrist and resisting the urge to glance at Neil, asleep, across the room, and the even stronger urge to reach out and hold his hand.

I feel so alive!

Mr Keating’s poetry assignment was a brick wall and Todd was bashing his head against it. He scribbled out his attempt at writing a poem for the seven billionth time, tossing it onto his desk and groaning. It was just words; it really shouldn’t be this difficult. Todd leaned back against the wall against his bed, resting his notebook on his knees.

The door flung open and Todd turned his notebook over  as Neil came in, laughing to himself and holding a piece of paper. Neil bounded over to Todd’s bed like an excited puppy, crouching down at his bedside so he was on Todd’s level.

“I found it.” He stated, grinning his glittering pool grin.

“Found what?”

“What I wanna do right now. What's really, really inside me.”

Todd took the paper in his hands, reading it aloud. “‘A Midsummer’s Night Dream’?”

“This is it.”

“What is this?”

Neil chuckled. “It’s a play, dummy.” 

“Yeah, I know that. But what's that have to do with you?”

“Right. They’re putting it on at Henley Hall. Open tryouts.” Neil managed to grin even wider. “Open tryouts!”

Todd furrowed his brows. “Yeah? So?”

Neil buzzed with pure excitement. He pounded at the edge of Todd’s bed, jumping up to jump on his own and wrap a blanket gleefully around his shoulders like a cape. 

“So, I'm gonna act. Yes, yes! I'm gonna be an actor!” He exclaimed. “Ever since I can remember, I've wanted to try this. I even tried to go to summer stock auditions last year, but, of course, my father wouldn't let me. For the first time in my whole life I know what I wanna do.” He hopped off his bed, bounding back over to Todd’s bed and tossing some of his scrapped poems around. “And for the first time I'm gonna do it whether my father wants me to or not! Carpe diem!” He hollered, dark eyes lit up like candles in the dark.

Todd sat up straighter. “Neil, Neil, hold on a minute. How are you gonna be in a play if your father won't let you?” He questioned. 

Neil, being himself, responded with unending optimism. “First I gotta get the part, then I can worry about that.”

“Yeah, but won't he kill you if he finds out you went to an audition and didn't even tell him?”  

He shook his head. “No, no, no, no. As far as I'm concerned, he won't have to know about any of this.” 

“Well, that's impossible.” Todd countered, fiddling with the corner of his notebook.

Neil straightened. “Bullshit! Nothing’s impossible.” 

“Well, why don't you just call him and ask him? And m-maybe he'll say yes.” He stumbled over his tongue, the world slipping a little as Neil - for maybe the first time - was getting upset at Todd. It seemed wrong; Neil Perry, anything but happy.

“That’s a laugh!” Neil scoffed, chucking his blanket behind his back. It landed unceremoniously on his bed. “If I don't ask him, at least I won't be disobeying him.” The energy coursing through him sharpened, Neil’s usually fluid, effortless movements turning agitated and stiff.

Neil turned away from him and Todd reached for a hold on the conversation. “Yeah, but if he said–”

“Jesus, Todd! Whose side are you on?” Neil whipped around, glaring and voice taut as he yelled. 

Todd blinked at him. He’d never really seen Neil angry, he’d never heard Neil angry, and it set him immediately on edge. Neil’s shoulders untensed and his gaze softened as he looked at Todd, grabbing the flyer from his lap and moving to sit on the radiator by the window of their room. While his movements weren’t as pointed as they were while he was angry, they didn’t return to their fluid, natural state. Instead, his body seemed weighed down, shoulders sagging and face shadowy.

“I mean, I haven't even gotten the part yet. Can't I even enjoy the idea for a little while?” Neil asked, voice clipped.

Todd didn’t say anything. There he goes again, typical Todd Anderson. Ruining people’s happiness. Subconsciously, he reached for his wrist, covering the space with his words. Silence fell over the room, Neil staring out the window while Todd tried to get back to writing his poem, sweater sleeve pulled over his wrist.

Neil broke the silence. “You’re coming to the meeting tonight, right?”

“I don't know. Maybe.” Todd said noncommittally. 

“Nothing Mr. Keating has to say means shit to you, does it, Todd?” The edge in Neil’s voice was returning.

“What is that supposed to mean?” 

“You're in the club! Being in the club means being stirred up by things. You look about as stirred up as a cesspool.” Neil stood from the radiator and stood over Todd’s bed. 

Todd’s hackles rose. “So- you want me out?” 

“No! I want you in, but being in means you gotta do something. Not just say you're in.” Neil rebutted.

“Well, listen, Neil. I-I appreciate this concern, but I-I'm not like you. All right? You, you, you say things and people listen. I'm, I'm not like that.” Todd explained, words jumbling under Neil’s unwavering gaze above him.

“Don’t you think you could be?” He asked.

“No! I--I, I don't know, but that's not the point.” Todd said. “The, the, the point is that  there's nothing you can do about it, so you can just butt out. I can take care of myself just fine. Alright?” Todd fought, voice rising to the challenge.

Neil continued to stare down at him, looking at Todd like he could see through his face and into his skull. He looked at Todd like there was something to see, like there was something more to know. Todd squirmed under his eyes, Neil’s gaze flitting around Todd’s face, searching for something only he could see across Todd’s pale features.

“No.” He stated, plainly.

Todd blinked, raising his eyebrows at Neil. “What do you mean, ‘no’?”

Neil’s lips quirked into a small, mischievous smile. “No.”

Todd was about to ask further questions on the mystery of Neil Perry, when Neil snatched his notebook from his lap. Scrambling to stand, Todd clumsily chased after Neil as Neil hopped around their room, running in circles and climbing over furniture as he started reading aloud the drafts of Todd’s poems in his hands.

Chasing after Neil, Todd yelled. “Neil- give me- Neil! Give that back!” 

“‘We are dreaming of a’- Poetry! I’m being chased by Walt Whitman!” Neil yelled, laughing as Todd bumped into him trying to snatch back his notebook. “Okay, okay!” He laughed again, dropping Todd’s notebook.

The door opened and an irritated Cameron stood in the doorway, holding a textbook. “What are you guys doing? I'm sure-- You see this chemistry-” Cameron squawked as Neil yanked the book from his hands, moving to chase after Neil and yelling about how immature he was being. 

Apparently being summoned by the chaos, Charlie appeared in the doorway and waved at Neil. “Pass it to me! To me, Neil!”

“Charlie!” Neil called, tossing Cameron’s textbook to him. 

“Let me have my book, Charlie, I need that-” 

The four of them ran around the room, giggling uncontrollably as they played catch with Cameron’s book. Todd’s breath was ragged, both from the running and the laughter, the chase lost in a blur. At some point bongos were involved. Honestly, Todd didn’t remember many of the fine details.

However, he does remember that he didn’t look down at his mark that whole day, and his fingers twitching to intertwine with Neil’s.

Todd Anderson had a crush on Neil Perry. He hoped no thoughts along those lines made it onto his soulmate’s wrist because that’d make him an even worse soulmate than he already was. The guilt was eating him alive, his perfect match was out there and he had a hopeless crush on his boarding school roommate? It was kind of pathetic in a way only Todd could muster.

He tried to ignore it, but Neil Perry was himself: he took up space. Now, he took up most of the space of Todd’s heart and brain. Todd also wanted Neil’s hands to take up the space of his hands, which was a whole other spiral in itself. 

Speaking of Neil, he could hear his infectious joy making its way through the hall outside. Todd moved to lean out the door, hearing the congratulations and cheers for Neil as he dipped into their room with Todd. 

As Neil forged the letter from his father, Todd watched him, and pretended that it was for completely platonic reasons. People dated people who weren’t they’re soulmates, sometimes. Todd wouldn’t, though - he didn’t need anymore reasons for his soulmate to hate him. Having a crush was fine, as long as nothing came of it. He didn’t desperately wish to hold Neil’s hand. It was fine.

Todd ran a thumb over his soulmark, glancing down at it.

I'm gonna play Puck!

The day of Keating’s poetry filled reckoning came, and Todd was sure something along the lines of Fuck my life was written on his poor soulmate’s wrist wherever they were. He’d managed to come up with all of zero poems to present. His only hope was that Keating somehow forgot he existed and he was allowed to bolt out of this classroom the minute the period was over.

Mr Keating, however, had other plans.

“Mr. Anderson, I see you sitting there in agony. Come on, Todd, step up. Let's put you out of your misery.” He tapped Todd’s desk, looking expectantly at him.

“I didn't do it. I didn't write a poem.”

Keating nodded, turning to regard the rest of the class. “Mr. Anderson thinks that everything inside of him is worthless and embarrassing. Isn't that right, Todd?” Todd didn’t respond to that absolutely uncalled for read from his English teacher.  “Isn't that your worst fear? Well, I think you're wrong. I think you have something inside of you that is worth a great deal.” Todd offered Mr Keating a bewildered stare.

Mr Keating walked away from Todd’s desk and Todd prayed to the universe that maybe he was leaving Todd alone. He scrawled something in large letters on the blackboard, speaking as he did.

“‘I sound my barbaric yawp over the rooftops of the world.’ W. W. Uncle Walt again. Now, for those of you who don't know, a yawp is a loud cry or yell.” He announced, like anybody was supposed to know what that meant. Then, because god hates him, Mr Keating turned back to him. “Now, Todd, I would like you to give us a demonstration of a barbaric ‘yawp.’ Come on.” When Todd didn’t react, Keating continued. “You can't yawp sitting down. Let's go. Come on. Up.”

Reluctantly, Todd pushed himself out of his seat and stood with Keating, pointedly looking everywhere but at any living being in the room. 

“You gotta get in a ‘yawping’ stance.” Keating stated like it was a completely normal thing to say to somebody.

“A yawp?” Todd asked sceptically. 

Keating shook his head. “No, not just a yawp. A barbaric yawp.”

Deciding to entertain Keating’s weird desire for Todd to do things, Todd shrugged his shoulders. “Yawp.” He muttered.

“Come on, louder!”

“Yawp.” Todd repeated.

“No, that's a mouse. Come on. Louder.”

Todd rolled his eyes. “Yawp.” He bit out, ignoring the rest of the class’ hushed whispers.

Keating threw his arms up. “Oh, good God, boy. Yell like a man!”

“Yawp!” Todd yelled, glaring daggers at Mr Keating. 

A grin broke out on Keating’s face, clicking and gesturing at Todd. “There it is. You see, you have a barbarian in you, after all.” Before Todd could escape back to his desk, Keating stepped in front of him. “Now, you don't get away that easy.” He said, catching Todd by the shoulders and spinning him around to face a picture on the wall of some old guy.

“The picture of Uncle Walt up there. What does he remind you of? Don't think. Answer. Go on.” 

Todd blinked rapidly, watching as Mr Keating started to circle around him like a vulture. “A m-m-madman.” He stuttered, palms sweating. 

“What kind of madman? Don't think about it. Just answer again.”

“A- a crazy madman.”

“No, you can do better than that. Free up your mind. Use your imagination. Say the first thing that pops into your head, even if it's total gibberish. Go on, go on.” 

Todd searched his brain, eyes flitting from the picture to Keating to the class staring at him. “Uh, uh, a sweaty-toothed madman.”

Keating cracked a smile. “Good God, boy, there's a poet in you, after all.” He stood in front of Todd, placing his hands over his eyes and blocking his sight. ”There, close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close 'em. Now, describe what you see.” 

Todd floundered as Keating started to spin him in circles. “Uh, I-I close my eyes.” He began shakily.

“Yes?”

Todd blurted the first thing in his head. “Uh, and this image floats beside me.”

“A sweaty-toothed madman?” Keating prompted.

“A sweaty-toothed madman with a stare that pounds my brain.”

Mr Keating’s glee seeped into his tone. “Oh, that's excellent. Now, give him action. Make him do something.”

“H-His hands reach out and choke me.”

“That's it. Wonderful. Wonderful.” The pressure of Keating’s hands over his eyes left, but Todd kept them shut, twitching at the idea of facing the class through this.

“And, and all the time he's mumbling.”

“What's he mumbling?” He asked.

“M-Mumbling, ‘Truth. Truth is like, like a blanket that always leaves your feet cold.’”

Laughter made its way to Todd’s ears and he opened his eyes, cheeks flushing and hands clammy as he took in his peers staring at him. This was a mistake. He needed to leave, he needed to leave right now-

Keating gestured for Todd to shut his eyes, and he clamped them shut. “Forget them, forget them. Stay with the blanket. Tell me about that blanket.”

Mouth drying out, Todd tried to keep his hold on… whatever it was he was saying. “Y-Y-Y-You push it, stretch it, it'll never be enough. You kick at it, beat it, it'll never cover any of us. From the moment we enter crying to the moment we leave dying, it will just cover your face as you wail and cry and scream.”

Silence.

Todd opened his eyes, ready to face the scrutiny and run. Instead, his classmates cheered, clapping and smiling for him. He let out a breath, adrenaline and anxiety flooding his system. His brain was running a mile a minute, imploding inside his skull. It was the only explanation for him hallucinating the indescribable look on Neil’s face as he stared at him.

After that eventful English period, Todd took refuge in the bathroom to process what had just happened. His hands were shaking, trembling like his bones were quaking inside his skin and palms dry as a desert and wet like the ocean simultaneously. He was dying; exploding, even. However, Todd was also filled with a sense of wonder, of passion, of meaning . 

Poetry… It was like Keating had flipped a switch inside him. At one moment, it made no sense to him, and the next - it was a part of him, an instinct, as natural as breathing, or having a soulmate. Todd was good at something. Something people recognised, something Jeffrey wasn’t good at. Todd had something, something to hone, to cradle, to nurture, to himself . It was his. Solely, only, exclusively Todd’s. 

Todd had never had that before. Even his soulmate - who should’ve evoked this feeling of meaning and belonging - didn’t feel like his somedays. He felt so unworthy, so undesirable, that thinking of his soulmate as his felt… wrong. Todd was a black hole; always taking, always needing more, and never satisfied, never anything. He was inhumanly empty, beautiful to some from afar but monstrous up close. He’d never be enough for himself, or for his soulmate, he’d always be searching the world in a futile effort to find himself.  He was unlovable because what was there to love? Todd was nothing, and he was way too much simultaneously. He would suck the life out of his soulmate, breaking them down until even the universe’s design couldn’t stand him. 

Speaking of his soulmate, Todd took a peek at his wrist. He wondered what chaos was written on his soulmate’s wrist; wondered what they thought of him from what little they knew about him. He wondered if they knew how desperately Todd wanted to hold their hand.

His soulmark was practically buffering, black words blurring together as they flitted off and on over and over again from the sheer speed the words were changing.

Brilliant. Captivating. Indescribable, oh my god. Wonderful. Beautiful. Enchanting. Holy shit. Extraordinary. Breathtaking. I’m enamoured. What a mind…

Todd smiled fondly down at his rapidly changing mark, a heavy pit appearing in his stomach as he caught glimpses of the rush of adoration across his skin. 

He wondered what had his soulmate thinking all of these sweet, thoughtful things. 

(He wondered if his soulmate would ever think of him like that.)

After Charlie’s saxophone filled performance of ‘Poetruistic’, they all chased after Knox, who was rushing to call Chris. Was Chris his soulmate? Nobody could tell for sure, but Knox was hoping for it.

On the way there, Charlie caught up with him. 

“So, what’d you think of my poem?” He asked, beret crooked on his head and saxophone in his arms.

Todd thought for a second. “It was… filled with passion. And life.”

Charlie cracked a smile. “You know it, Anderson.”

“I liked it. It was very you, I think.”

“You think it was very me?”

“Mhm.” 

Charlie nodded. “Well, your word is poetry law, after all.” He gestured up ahead to Knox. “What’re the chances Chris is actually his soulmate?”

“I’m saying pretty low.”

“Way to kill his dreams.”

“Kill who’s dreams?” Neil asked, appearing beside Todd out of nowhere.

Charlie chuckled. “Knox’s, about Chris.”

“Ah, his soulmate dreams?”

Hearing Neil talk about soulmates made Todd’s heart skip a beat.

“Yep, those ones.”

Todd zoned out as Charlie and Neil started discussing Knox’s romantic prospects and possibilities of soulmate-hood with Chris. When he zoned back in, they were listening to Knox talking to her on the phone. Neil and him locked eyes, grinning at Knox and Charlie’s antics.

Todd squeezed his hand over his mark.

He’d been determined to get through his birthday like it was any other day. None of his friends (something else he had, that he had to get used to. Having his own friends) knew, none of his teachers knew, as far as Todd was concerned, he didn’t have a birthday. So he was 17 now, big deal. He hadn’t celebrated his birthday since he was twelve, when his parents took him to Jeff’s lacrosse game. Though his team lost, they still got ice cream after. (Jeff gave him a ball from the field he’d stolen, it sat in a box under Todd’s bed). 

Todd didn’t need his birthday to be a big deal, really. He didn’t see the point; he hadn’t done anything other than be born - which wasn’t a big accomplishment on Todd’s part. If Todd had done something actually noteworthy, celebration , worthy, then Todd would be happy to have a birthday bash, but he hadn’t exactly cured cancer in his lifetime. That's just how it worked in his house; worked for Todd, at least. 

Jeffrey was a good brother. He was thoughtful, protective, funny, he was Todd’s favourite person and best friend (and only friend) until recently. Unfortunately, though, Jeffrey was also a good person - a better person, better than Todd in every way, shape, and form. He was smarter, he was stronger, and he was cooler than Todd could ever be. Jeff got a lot done. He bagged valedictorian of Welton, won countless awards and roles, and was now a Harvard bigshot. He couldn’t even begin to count the amount of celebrations - big and small - held in Jeffrey’s name. He deserved them all, obviously.

But, with how bright Jeffrey burned in everything he ever did, it left Todd without so much as a spark. Nothing Todd was capable of could ever compare, would ever compare to Jeffrey and his looming tower of accomplishments. Todd wasn’t known to excel, and nobody expected him to, either. Growing up with Jeffrey meant Todd was a consistent second place, silver medalist in a two person race. It stung when the only person who consistently cared about you was also your biggest competitor. It wasn’t Jeff’s fault, but Todd in his many, many moments of weakness, found it very easy to blame him.

Sometimes, he told himself that the only reason he seemed so underwhelming was because Jeffrey was so good. That if Jeff had been any less outstanding, Todd would get his moment of sun too. Todd wasn’t good at anything, though, and lying was not an exception. He was so bad at it, even he himself wouldn’t believe what he was saying. Todd was weak, the empty space where his potential was meant to be patched in with bitterness and melancholia.

So, in short, Todd didn’t get celebrated much as a child. His birthday was no exception, and it was fine. 

Turned out, one person in Welton did remember Todd’s birthday. The woman working at the front office. 

“Happy Birthday, Todd. Your parents left you a gift.” She gave him a kind smile. “They told me they didn’t have time to wrap it. Have a good birthday.” She handed his parents’ gift to him.

A deskset. Exactly like the one they got him last year.

Todd took it, mumbling his thanks as he turned on his heel and marched out of the office. His eyes glassed over. Shit. He couldn’t be here, couldn’t cry in a random hallway. He needed to go somewhere, somewhere nobody else was so he could have a meltdown in peace and most importantly, alone . His room was immediately crossed off the list; Neil was there, practising for the play, probably with at least one of their friends. The bathroom could be an option, but the chance somebody walked in during Todd’s crying session was too mortifying to consider. It was a Thursday night, there would be someone almost everywhere.

Todd blinked harshly, hoping it’d be enough to hold back his tears. He walked through the halls, speeding past the student area and the bathroom and the-

The stairs to the bridge. It was a November evening - surely the cold would keep anybody at bay, right? Todd slipped into the stairwell, shutting the door and making his way up to the bridge. He sat down on a walkway, leaning against the bricks of the parapet behind him.

A second deskset. It wasn’t a bad gift, it was practical. But, getting a deskset two years in a row from your parents while sitting by yourself on a bridge of your boarding school? It wasn’t exactly a teenager's dream birthday. It was Todd’s reality, though.

He set the deskset down beside him, drawing his knees up to his chest and hugging himself. It was freezing, November chill settling into Todd’s skin like it was home. Faintly, Todd thought he should go back inside, get warm, and go back to pretending it was a normal Thursday. However, he stayed rooted in place, the cold seizing his heart. He was such a loser , sitting out in the cold, alone, on his birthday, about to cry over his parents not even leaving him a note with their stupid gift.

“Todd?” A voice came from the stairwell. Neil approached Todd, sat on the walkway, a confused smile on his face. He was bundled up in his coat and holding some papers in his hands - probably a script or something. “Hey.” 

“Hey,” Todd responded, hoping his voice wasn’t shaking like he was. God, he hoped Neil didn’t notice he was shaking at all.

Neil glanced around, like an explanation was being carried on the wind. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing.” He said quickly. Too quickly, judging from the knowing look Neil offered him as a reply. He sighed. “Today’s my birthday.”

Neil smiled his stupidly charming, sweet smile. “Is today your birthday?” Todd’s cheeks reddened and if Neil asked, he’d blame it on the cold. “Happy Birthday!” He said it so sincerely that Todd practically imploded.

His response fell from his mouth. “Thanks.” 

“Did you get anything?” He asked as he slipped his papers into his coat.

“My parents gave me this.” Todd nodded towards the unopened desk set beside him, praying that he seemed cool and casual about how pathetic he was being.

Neil turned his gaze from Todd to the desk set, eyebrows furrowing. God, Todd hoped he didn’t realise. “Isn't this the same desk set-” 

Fuck, he realised. “Yeah, yeah. They gave me the same thing as last year.” He interrupted, attempting to keep his tone nonchalant and steady as he spoke. 

“Oh.” Neil said.

“Oh.” Todd repeated, avoiding Neil’s dark eyes.

Neil chuckled, which caused Todd to look back at him. Oh, god, was Neil laughing at him? Kill Todd now.

“Maybe they thought you needed another one.” Neil said through his laughter.

Todd was not going to cry. “Maybe they weren't thinking about anything at all.” He paused. Was that too real? “Uh, the funny thing about this is I, I didn't even like it the first time.” 

“Todd,” Neil began. “I think you’re underestimating the value of this deskset.” He crouched down to pick up the deskset off the floor. Neil’s tone turned faux-serious. “I mean, who would want a football or a baseball, or-”

“A car.” Todd added, looking up at Neil.

“Or a car if they could have a desk set as wonderful as this one?” He began to toss it in his hands and manoeuvre it around so he could examine it thoroughly. “I mean, if, if I were ever going to buy a, a desk set twice, I would probably buy this one both times.” Neil smirked, mischief seeping into his voice like sun through the curtains. “In fact, its, its shape is - it's rather aerodynamic, isn't it? I can feel it. This desk set wants to fly.” He looked beyond the parapet, smiling down at Todd.

Todd stood, stony face breaking out into a gleeful grin as he moved to stand up beside Neil. Neil tossed the deskset up again. He turned to Todd, eyes sparkling with mirth, and handed him the deskset.

“Todd?” He prompted. “The world's first unmanned flying desk set.” Neil announced. 

They locked eyes. Todd’s smile began to hurt his reddened cheeks. Turning to face the courtyard below, Todd gripped the deskset in his hands, and hurled it over the parapet. It flew through the air, falling over the side of the bridge and breaking to bits on impact with the ground below.

Todd cheered as the both of them leaned over the ledge to see the carnage. Neil nudged him, and shrugged. “Well, I wouldn't worry. You'll get another one next year.”

Todd broke out into another fit of cackles, Neil quickly joining him. It was Todd’s best birthday yet.

It was Todd’s worst birthday yet, actually. Why, you may ask? Because across his wrist since that night, was the phrase World’s First Unmanned Flying Deskset. It’d been almost a day, and no matter how many pinches Todd inflicted upon himself, he wasn’t waking up.

Neil Perry was his soulmate. And it was the worst thing to ever happen to Todd. 

Well, not really. The selfish, human, part of Todd was rejoicing, so full of joy his heart was splitting its seams and unleashing blinding light throughout Todd’s bloodstream. The rest of Todd was nauseous, like it was infected by some unknown disease invading his body and leaving him crippled on the floor. It was an internal battle, this unstoppable, existential, earth-shattering dread, clashing head first with this immoveable, unrelenting tingling delight. 

Neil Perry. Neil Perry was his other half, his perfect match, his soulmate . And Todd already had a crush on him. He should be bouncing off the walls.

But when has Todd ever done what he should be doing?

Instead of rejoicing that the sweet, funny, popular guy he already had a crush on was shaped by the universe to be Todd’s soulmate, Todd was attempting not to tear through his body like a wild animal. He wanted to rip himself apart, yank out every vein and organ and peel his skin off. Todd itched to dislocate each of his bones and slide them out of place, to pluck every hair from his head and scrape out his teeth and completely disassemble himself as a person.

He wanted to mangle himself into nothing but a pile of blood and gore, and he wanted to offer himself back to the universe. He wanted to give his human parts back to the world and beg and plead for it to try again; to remake him. He wanted the universe to cradle his remains and take pity on the remnants of his humanity, and he wanted the universe to take him back to where it all began and restart. Todd wanted the universe to widdle him down to his bare essentials, to pick out all of the flawed parts it had given him the first time around, to carve out a newer, better person out of what was left of him. 

The universe would take what was salvageable, and scrap the rest of him. It would reshape him, stitch up his skin and pop his bones back into place, repaint his blemishes and rewire his brain - the universe would fix him. The universe would make Todd better, good enough - maybe even more, if it was feeling merciful - for Neil. It would make him a person worthy of having Neil Perry as their soulmate - for Neil Perry to have as his . It would mould Todd to fit its original design, removing the faults and making him deserving of this wonderful life it’d given him.

Todd couldn’t do that, though. Todd could not return himself to the universe and beg on his hands and knees to make him good. Todd, in all his monstrosity and failure, was once again not good enough for anyone. Even the person designed to love him more than life itself.

He couldn’t tell Neil, Todd decided, at least not immediately. For the good of both of them. For now, he’d ignore the twitch of his hand towards Neil’s, begging to confirm that they slotted together perfectly.

“What's on your mind?” 

“Huh?” Todd responded, sitting up a little. 

“Something’s on your mind.” He said. “Is it your parents? Because of the deskset?”

No, it wasn’t. But, admitting that would mean admitting what was actually on his mind. Which, Todd would rather die than do.

“It’s nothing.”

Silence filled the room again, the only sound that slight shuffling from other boys in their own rooms. Neil cleared his throat. “It’s okay, you know. If you are upset with your parents.” He put down the script. “I’m upset with my parents too, sometimes. Or, well, my father.”

The mention of Mr Perry left a sour taste in Todd’s mouth. “Your father is full of shit, Neil.” He scoffed. “You’d be brilliant no matter what you did. Doctor, actor, whatever. You could be a roof thatcher and still be successful and amazing.”

“You think so?” 

Todd nodded, beating away at the butterflies in his stomach. “Of course. And you’ve got the main role, too, so clearly you're a good actor.” He shrugged, glancing away from Neil and down at his bedsheets.

Neil chuckled, flashing a dulled version of his smile. “Thanks, Todd… I really appreciate that.” 

Todd took a peek at his soulmark. I’m still a failure.

He glanced over at Neil, who’d gone back to looking over his script. Neil didn’t believe him, didn’t believe that his father was wrong and that he was brilliant and awe inspiring and… everything Todd wasn’t.

“Five ninety eight.” Todd blurted out, desperate for Neil to believe him - to not fail Neil at this moment. 

Neil looked at him, eyebrows raised. “Pardon?” 

“My father, he uh, he once told me that’d I’d be worth $5.98. It was his nickname for me growing up, actually. Five ninety eight. He called Jeffrey stuff like, like ‘sport’ and ‘bud’, but I was ‘five ninety eight’.”

“Five ninety eight?” Neil repeated, incredulously. “Why'd your father call you that?”

Todd laughed a little. “It’s because if you were to condense all of the chemicals in the human body raw, bottle it up, and sell it, it’d only be worth $5.98.” Todd explained. “That’s how much my father said I’d be worth, unless I put in the work to be better.”

Neil’s gaze softened. “That’s awful, Todd.”

“It is, yeah.” He paused. “When I was a kid, I thought all parents automatically loved all their kids. That’s just- that just seems right, right?” Neil nodded, and Todd continued. “Right. That’s what teachers told me, and that’s what I read in books and stuff. But um, I don’t think that’s really true. For me, at least. My parents definitely love Jeffrey, but they uh, they don’t love me, I don’t think.”

Neil regarded Todd, gaze unwavering but unreadable. “I’m sorry.”

“I am too,” he laughed. “What, I guess my point is, Neil, is that my father, he never loved me. Maybe he’s right. Maybe all I am worth is $5.98, and maybe that’s how much I’ll always be worth.” He smiled a little, staring at Neil. “But you? Neil, you are worth so much more than five ninety eight. Youre- you’re smart, and you’re a leader, and you’re… I… you’ve got so much. You’re father… he expects so much from you, it’s not fair.” He gestured vaguely. “I mean, I don’t know how your father doesn’t see it. My father would kill to have me be even half as good as you are.”

A stretch of silence, desperately grasping at them. 

Todd inhaled. “Um, yeah. I just- I just thought you should know. That you really are amazing, and that you should keep acting, um, even if your father disagrees.” He laughed, a little too high pitched and in the back of his throat. “Like you said, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

Neil chuckled, gazing at Todd with that same unreadable look. “Thank you, Todd. Really. Thank you.” His eyes darted across Todd’s face. “You’re worth more than $5.98, by the way. Personally, I think you’re priceless.”

Todd flushed up to the tip of his ears, attempting to mask it by laughing and laying down in his bed, facing the wall. He brought his wrist up to his face to combat the need to reach for Neil’s hand, grinning at the I’m amazing and should keep acting written across his wrist. If he could keep those thoughts in Neil’s head, maybe being his soulmate wouldn’t be so bad. It was a rare moment where Todd had felt worthy of something , for once.

Neil was full of rare moments.

He talked to Charlie about it first. “You want to know what I think about soulmates, Anderson?” He asked, lounging lengthwise on one of the couches in the student lounge.

“Yes, that's what I said.”

“Why? You think we’re meant to be?” Charlie teased.

Todd snorted, sitting in the seat across from the couch. “I think that might be my worst nightmare, actually.”

“Ouch.” Charlie laughed. “Alright, back to your question. I think it's cool. I mean, who doesn’t want somebody the universe designed special for you? I don’t see how it could be a bad thing, really.” He pushed up onto his elbows, turning so he was sat properly in his seat. “Can I ask why you’re asking?”

Todd placed his hands in his lap, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “Just curious about how all of you think of soulmates. Thought it’d be interesting.”

Charlie looked unconvinced, but didn’t comment on Todd’s flimsy excuse. “Alright, then.” He blinked rapidly. “Wait, all of us? So even Cameron?”

“Yes?”

Charlie rolled his eyes. “Don’t bother. That loser hates soulmates.”

“He does?” Todd asked, reeling back. 

“Yeah, it's another one of the reasons he's clearly a roach in human form.” Charlie mocked, words laced with disdain. “He’s so stiff that he doesn't even believe in soulmates. I mean, who does he think he is?”

“Huh.” Todd said, eyebrows pulled taut. “I didn’t know people just… didn’t believe in soulmates.”

“I know, right?” Charlie scoffed. “I mean, how stupid do you have to be? The proof is literally printed on your wrist and everything!” He sighed, shaking his head. “I’m so sorry for the poor soul stuck as that nerd’s soulmate.”

“Cameron, I have a question for you.” Todd asked, walking into Charlie and Cameron’s room - though the former was nowhere to be found.

Cameron didn’t even glance up from his desk, where he was sitting writing chemical equations. “Number six for the algebra homework is X equals seven or-“

“No, no.” Todd cut him off. “It’s not, um. It’s not homework related.”

“Oh.” Cameron perked up, turning to fully face Todd. “Sorry. What is it?”

“Charlie mentioned to me the other day that you like. Um. Don’t believe in soulmates?” He said. “I just wanted to ask you about that, like, why and stuff.”

Cameron nodded sagely. “Right, you weren’t there for what Charlie calls my ‘decision to be a virgin forever’.” He did air quotes, rolling his eyes. “I just don’t really think soulmates are a very good idea. I’ve got my own priorities, you know? Why do I need to be tied to another person, when I could just be successful on my own?”

“Right.” Todd nodded. “You really don’t care about soulmates? At all?”

“I mean. Not really. I couldn’t care less who’s thoughts appear on my wrist.” He scoffed. “So what if their thoughts appear on my wrist; doesn’t mean I have to care. A person can’t complete somebody. People are complete by themselves anyway. It’s stupid.”

“But what if it can?” Todd asked, wringing his hands. “I mean, that’s just how it works, right? Soulmates, they’re perfect for you. They’re made for you.”

“Yeah, and?” Cameron shrugged. “I don’t know what to tell you, Todd. I just don’t think I need a soulmate to be me. I mean, look at me,” he gestured to himself vaguely. “No soulmate; still a whole and functioning person finding fulfilment. Like, by finishing my chemistry.” He gestured to his homework. “Fulfilment. Satisfaction. No soulmate required.”

“You don’t want your soulmate… at all?”

Cameron hummed. “Not at all. I don’t need them, and I surely don’t need them if the universe picked them out.” He waved his hand. “What does the universe know about love anyway? Surely not more than me.”

“I mean- I guess you’re right?”

“Aren’t I?” He laughed a little. “I know it seems really harsh, but I really do think soulmates aren’t necessary for a fulfilling, successful life. Are they nice to have? Sure. Are they as life or death important as they’re said to be? I don’t think so.”

Todd nodded slowly. “So, you don’t want your soulmate?”

“No, not really. I’m doing fine without them, aren’t I?” He raised an eyebrow. “Besides, the idea of being tied to some person by like, god or something is kind of scary. A lot to live up to, y’know.”

Todd sighed as Cameron turned back to his chemistry homework. “Oh, I know.”

Todd was determined to get a good idea of the pros and cons of being soulmates before he jumped into anything with Neil. That was why he was currently doing a scavenger hunt around Welton looking for his personal favourite soulmate pair he knew: Meeks and Pitts. Of course, he did this while Neil was at rehearsal and nowhere near him. He’d probably have to flee the country if Neil found out before he was ready.

What Cameron had said was bouncing around in his head. Were soulmates really not necessary? It seemed so out there from everything he’d ever heard, but parts of it did make some sense. The idea rattled around Todd’s brain, searching for an opening. 

That was only one side of the argument. He’d need more than just Cameron’s opinion to make an actual decision (besides, nobody else seemed to take Cameron’s opinion to heart very often anyway).

Only issue was the fact he couldn’t find Meeks, or Pitts, anywhere. He’d checked all of their usual spots: their room, the student common area, the courtyard, library. They’d seemingly dropped off the face of the planet for the time being. 

Who he did run into, though, was Knox Overstreet. Literally.

Knox stumbled to a halt in front of Todd. “Sorry, Todd, Jesus. Didn’t see you.” He smiled. “You seem like you’re on a mission. What's up?”

“Have you seen Meeks and Pitts?” 

He shrugged. “They said something about going into town for parts for whatever new contraption they’ve got planned.” Knox said. Todd groaned, and his eyebrows knitted together. “What did you need them for? Was it important?”

“No, no, not really.” Todd shook his head and sighed. “It’s a little stupid.”

Knox nodded. “Could I help?”

Todd thought about it. Could Knox help? He was searching for different answers on soulmates - a pretty broad topic - so any response could help him. Knox surely didn’t have the experience with soulmates as Meeks and Pitts, but he seemed to enjoy the idea enough, seeing as he was pursuing Chris (who he was assuming was his soulmate).

“Maybe, yeah.” Todd settled.

“Cool. Cool.” Knox gestured to his room down the hall. “Care to step into my office?”

That's how Todd ended up sitting on Knox’s bed, Knox at his desk and staring expectantly at him. 

“So, what'd ya need, Todd?”

Todd bit the bullet. “What do you think of soulmates, Knox?”

“Like, Meeks and Pitts? They’re adorable. A little sickening, but cute-”

“No, no.” Todd chuckled. He agreed. “Just in general.”

“Oh, soulmates in general?” Knox paused, a pensive look on his face. “Well, I think they’re good.”

Todd nodded. “Okay?”

“Yeah, I mean. It's sweet, isn’t it? To have somebody made perfectly for you, who’ll love you for everything you love and don’t love about yourself because that's just who they are?” Knox drummed his fingers against his desk. 

“Is that how you feel about Chris?”

“I don’t know, maybe.” Knox said. “I like her, that's for sure. But I’m never going to know if I don’t try, right?”

“What-” Todd started, swallowing. “What if she is your soulmate, and its not as good as you think?”

Knox made a thoughtful sound. “I’ve never thought of that, actually.” He was silent for a while, processing Todd’s words. “Then… I think I’d think that's how it's meant to be. It's sort of like, well, what's meant to be is meant to be, good or bad. Whether she’s my soulmate or not, that's how it is, you know? I can’t change that. I can hope, though, but again, won’t know until I do.” He tapped his finger against the desk a little slower. “Yeah, soulmates are great as an idea, but you won’t know what they’re really like until it happens. And no matter what, it’s okay.”

“That makes… a lot of sense, Knox.” Todd said, kind of flabbergasted by this show of wisdom. “Is that what your idea is with Chris?”

“Yep.” He said, popping the ‘p’. “Just because we don’t have control over what happens, doesn’t mean we can’t want things to go well. I really like Chris, and I want her to be my soulmate and to be able to love her, but I can’t just make that happen.” Knox took another long pause. “I guess to me, soulmates are like, a mix of what I want, and what the world wants too.” He shrugged. “Does that help?”

“Yeah. Knox, I think that helps a lot.”

Knox grinned. “Glad I could be useful for once.” He joked. Todd laughed. Maybe running into Knox today was something the world had wanted for him.

Todd ambushed Meeks and Pitts the minute they’d returned from town. He was promptly forced to help them carry their bags of parts up to their room, but seeing as he was about to interrogate them, Todd let it slide.

Todd watched the two of them from his place on Meeks’ bed. Meeks and Pitts were sitting across from each other on the floor of their room, various wires, metal parts, and tools strewn out in front and around them as they worked silently in perfect tandem. He watched Meeks wordlessly hand a jar to Pitts, who, without glancing up from his cutting something into a smaller piece, twisted open the lid and handed it back. It was like they were two parts of one very efficient machine. Todd envied them immensely.

“So, what's this supposed to be?” Todd asked, gesturing to their piles.

Meeks didn’t even look at him before explaining, hyper focused on sticking something to something else. “It's going to end up being some kind of clock type thing. So we can keep time easy out in the cave.”

“Portable, too. Hopefully. Like a much cooler watch with an alarm and everything.” Pitts added, reaching over Meeks’ back just as he leaned over to grab a screwdriver. “No offence, Todd, but what’re you doing here?”

“None taken.” He responded. “I was just wondering about soulmates, and seeing as you two are soulmates, I thought I’d ask.”

Meeks hummed in acknowledgement. “Right, what’d you want to ask?” 

“What's it like for you two as soulmates? From start to now, briefly.” Todd folded his legs, sitting criss-cross on Meeks’ bed.

Meeks examined a wire closely, holding it up to his face. “Well, we’ve known since we met. I saw Pittsie’s mark almost immediately, and it was so specific to me I just knew. And we just… clicked. From the beginning.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” Pitts repeated. “I used to think soulmates were kinda stupid until I met Meeks; then it became impossible for me to think of them as anything but amazing.” Pitts rolled his eyes at Meeks’ mock-gagging, flicking his forehead and smiling. “What? It’s true!”

“Yeah, yeah, Pittsie.” Meeks smiled. “But I agree with my soulmate’s very sappy thoughts. It's like, everything just makes sense. Who you are, who they are, it all finally works out.”

Pitts nodded. “Yeah. It feels kinda like finally balancing on an edge, kinda? Like, before your soulmate it's like everything won’t stop moving, and with them the world just stops. And it's just you two, and it's perfect and wonderful and great.”

Todd didn’t know whether to vomit or coo at the sappiness in front of him. “Did you guys ever have any doubts? Worries?”

They glanced at each other. 

Pitts shook his head. “No, don’t think so. At least I haven’t. Meeks?”

“Not really, not anything to write home about.” Meeks said. “We’re still both our own people, and we’re both still like any other person. It's just that when we’re together, we’re better. And when we’re apart, it's kinda sad.”

“It is?”

“Yeah, feels awful.” Pitts confirmed. “You get really used to having your soulmate once you have them, so when they’re not around you feel super empty. Definitely not as bad as like, breaking the connection or them dying or whatever, but it’s not great.”

Todd smiled slightly despite himself. “Is that why you two are always together?”

“Yeah, duh.” Pitts laughed.

“Mostly.” Meeks grinned at Pitts’ questioning glance. “Also I just can’t get rid of him. He's been the world's clingiest octopus since we were like, twelve. He’s not going anywhere anytime soon. It's a bit annoying, really.”

Pitts scoffed, smiling at Meeks fondly. “Yeah, like you want me gone. You love me and my annoying clingy octopus ways.” He poked Meeks in the forehead and Meeks swatted at him, chuckling.

“Unfortunately, yes.” He turned back to Todd. “Soulmates are wonderful, Todd. I know its a little hard, but you’ve got to be brave about it.”

Pitts nodded enthusiastically. “It's totally worth it.”

Todd nodded back. “Seems so. Thanks, guys.” He stood, careful not to step on anything. “I’ll leave you two to be disgustingly in love, now.” He teased, dodging out of the way of Meeks tossing a small chunk of wood at him and cackling.

All of his friends were right in their own ways, and their thoughts were extremely helpful. It was time for Todd to figure out this daunting decision by himself, now.

Fortunately for Todd, the next few days were such a whirlwind of events that it was easy for him to push aside the fact Neil was his soulmate. First, Charlie brought those random girls into the cave, Knox came back with a bloody face and the knowledge Chris wasn’t his soulmate, then Charlie was subsequently punished for his stunt with the phone. It was chaotic, chaotic enough Todd could just let the new information about his soulmate slide under the radar.

Though, not for long.

The next day, Neil asked Todd to help him rehearse for Midsummer’s Night Dream. A nightmare for Todd, who couldn’t for the life of him bury his planet-sized crush, which was now being fueled by the fact Neil was literally his soulmate. His soul (obviously), now that it was aware of its missing half right in front of it, craved Neil like he was some kind of drug. Something under his skin thrummed whenever Neil was around, his soulmark swirling with a comforting warmth that burned like a hearth with every new thought.

With every look, smile, word, thought Neil shot Todd’s way, it made his head spin and his heart take a lap. Neil felt right, and that was because fundamentally he was right for Todd. Whether it was the seamless way their morning routines fit together, or how they always managed to understand concepts better when the other explained it, or the sleepless nights they’d spent discussing everything and anything from across the room, it all made Todd feel more and more good as the days went on.

Todd had spent a life in endless, vast night, dark and shadowy. He’d never shone on his own before, being a pitiful reflection of Jeff’s dazzling light and bearing a life in his shadow. Neil made Todd feel like a star, rather than the moon. Made Todd feel like he had something to offer to the world; that he was blazing, exploding with energy, that he was part of some kind of bigger picture in a way. 

Todd used to believe that love was something to be earned, to be rewarded with, like if he reached certain milestones a prettily wrapped up box with a bow would appear on his doorstep with everything he’d been missing. Like the rain clouds would part one day if he reached into the sky and figured out how to do it himself, and the clear blue sky would glimmer at him and smile. Todd had been locked in a room and if he’d escaped, if he solved the puzzles correctly and cracked the codes, he’d be deemed worthy of something; worthy of love, adoration, and care.

It wasn’t a matter of Todd not deserving it, it was just he hadn’t done anything to deserve it yet . Todd was crooked, and broken, and wrong in so many ways but if he’d just fix it, he’d be good. He just had to work harder - try harder. He just had to keep climbing, keep rolling the boulder up the hill and one day it’d stay. 

Neil, though? Neil gave love like he had a never ending supply of it. He was painfully sincere; he acted like if he ever did anything to upset Todd, he’d melt like a candle and seep into the floorboards. Neil filled Todd’s head with ideas that combated against the entire life he’d been living, pushing through the noise of Todd’s mind and basking in the silence he created. And Todd?

Todd liked it. Todd liked it so much but it was also terrifying. He was right when he’d first met Neil, thinking of him as scary. He was. He was scary, scarier than any boogeyman or tendril of darkness in Todd’s vision because he was real. Neil was real and he was making home in Todd’s head and heart, in his soul . Neil was his soulmate . 

Neil left Todd feeling raw, vulnerable like he’d stripped back every single layer of protection Todd had put up like it was nothing. Despite how uncomfortable it should've been, Todd didn't mind it as much as he thought he would. Under Neil’s watchful eyes, every wall and shield torn down with a kind of passionate, ferocious reverence only Neil could channel, it made Todd feel safer than he ever had before. Being unravelled so nonchalantly would’ve scared Todd a year ago, but now, Todd couldn’t find a reason to fight it. Despite how naked it made him feel, to be seen for all of his innerworkings, rusty and cold, Todd was warmer than he ever had been, blankets draped over his mechanisms with gentle hands.

After years of having the world on his shoulders, Neil lifted the weight. He carried the load of Todd’s burdens willingly, and in Neil’s arms, the world seemed weightless and miniscule. On the days when Todd’s face was shrouded in darkness and when his head felt close to lolling off his neck, Neil was there, taking his face in his hands and bringing his eyes back towards the light. The world could be ending, the rapture as they know it, the sky falling and the earth rumbling, but Todd doubted he’d notice if Neil looked at him. His hands were gentle; gentle in the ways people held fine China or flowers or birds, every touch leaving an invisible mark on Todd that reminded him he was wanted . Neil managed to answer everytime Todd called like he was made for it.

Which was because he was made for it. Neil was made exactly for him and it was as terrifying as it was glorious. It meant Neil would have to love him as he was - because Todd as he was, was for Neil - but that was a double edged sword. It made Todd want to be better for him, to be able to give Neil as much as Neil gave him. But the ebbing, flowing fear that Todd couldn’t do that coursed through him at all times, following him, cursing him with its presence. It was the omnipresent fear Todd had developed in his childhood, festering and feeding on Todd’s insecurities as he grew older: would he be a good soulmate?

Todd wasn’t sure of the answer yet. Neil deserved so much, deserved so much love and adoration and every good thing in life, and Todd was fortunate enough to have been made to give him that. Todd was built to love Neil, and he so desperately wanted to. Their hands were made to fit together - the universe made them that way. Neil gave Todd the hope that he’d be a good soulmate for him, or at least a good enough one. That’s what soulmates did: made each other better, and Neil definitely made Todd better. And just maybe, Todd made Neil better too, in his own way. 

He’d tell him soon, Todd decided, maybe sometime around the play? 

Yes, sometime before or after the play would work well. Neil would be ecstatic, so any negative response would be dulled by the high of the play, and any positive response would be heightened. Plus, it gave Todd extra time to plan out how exactly he was going to do the grand reveal.

Until then, Todd was devoting his time with Neil before the epiphany into being the best soulmate he could, so that he could prove to Neil - and himself - that he was enough. So, of course he said yes to helping Neil rehearse. That was what a good soulmate would do, and Todd couldn’t say ‘no’ to Neil if he tried, anyway.

Todd snapped back to reality to Neil holding a long branch, the two walking down towards the dock. 

“Here villain, drawn and ready, where art thou?” Neil announced dramatically, swinging the branch around as he practically skipped towards the lake. 

Todd looked down at his copy of the script, scanning for his line. “I will be with thee straight.” He said.

“Follow me then, to plainer ground!” Neil grinned, laughing gleefully as they approached the dock. “I love it.”

“What? The scene?” Todd questioned, gazing at Neil curiously. 

Neil snorted. “No, acting. Acting's got to be one of the most wonderful things in the world.” When Todd continued to look at him, Neil scoffed. “Think about it, most people, if they're lucky, get to lead half an exciting life, right. If I get the parts I could live dozens of great lives.” He explained, eyes alight with the familiar passion and pure joy Todd loved to pick out amongst the darkness of Neil’s gaze. 

“Oh?” Todd laughed, biting his tongue in commenting that Neil was great in this life to him anyway.

Neil nodded enthusiastically, grabbing the branch with two hands and brandishing it as a sword as they stepped onto the aged wood of the dock. “To be or not to be, that is the question!” He cheered, spinning around.  “For the first time in my life I feel completely alive. You, you should come to rehearsals.”

Todd scrunched his nose. “Should I really?”

“Yeah, it's the best. I know they need more people to do the lights and stuff.”

“I don’t think…”

Neil, of course, could never let Todd refuse him. He didn’t know his power, honestly. “Come on, Todd. It’ll be fun.” He elbowed Todd playfully. “Who knows, maybe your soulmate is there. They’re all incredible, especially the girl playing Hermia.” The two of them stopped at the end of the dock, overlooking the lake.

Todd smiled despite himself; little did Neil know, his incredible, actor soulmate was right in front of him. “Maybe, Neil, maybe. Let's just go back to the scene, yeah?”

“Oh, alright.” He rolled his eyes, his annoyance betrayed by the smile on his face. “Follow me to plainer ground!” 

“Oh yeah art thou there?” Todd said, flipping to the next page of his script.

“What?”

“Oh yeah art thou there?” He repeated.

Neil shook his head, chuckling. “You’ve gotta put more into it!”

Sighing, Todd grinned, twirling around a little before facing the open water. “Oh yeah art thou there!” He yelled across the lake, laughing through his line.

Neil whooped. “Yes, that's it!” He cheered. “That's it.” His grin widened, taking up most of his face as he glanced between Todd and the water. “Follow my voice, we’ll try no manhood here.”

Suddenly, Neil brandished his branch weapon again, jabbing at Todd  like it was a sword. Todd laughed in disbelief, rolling up his script and stepping to hit Neil across the shoulder. Neil laughed, responding with quicker jabs. The two giggled senselessly, childishly poking and swatting at each other with their make-shift weapons on the dock for what felt like hours. He gripped the script tightly in his palm, resisting the urge to replace it with Neil’s hand.

Todd caught a glance of his wrist as he stumbled out of Neil’s reach for a moment, smiling so wide his cheeks ached. 

Oh yeah art thou there!

And in that moment? Todd loved Neil Perry.

Later that evening, Neil waved him off to dinner, telling Todd he’d put the scripts back and meet him in a bit.  He’d bid him goodbye for the moment, walking into the dining hall with the lingering delight of bonding with his soulmate following him around Welton as he sat down with the rest of their friends.

“Where’s Neil, Todd?” Cameron asked once he’d sat.

Todd picked up his fork. “Putting away his scripts.”

“He’s a bigshot actor now, Cam. Let the man keep his secrets.” Charlie said through a mouthful of meatball. Cameron rolled his eyes.

Pitts nodded. “Right, I’m excited to see it, honestly. Neil’s made it seem very exciting.”

“It’s one of Shakespeare’s comedies, so it’ll be funny, probably.” Meeks commented. Pitts nudged him, and Meeks nudged him back. Todd hoped he and Neil would end up as comfortable as they were.

“I’ve never even heard of the one Neil’s doing.” Knox said. “I only know Romeo and Juliet, and maybe the Scottish one.”

“Macbeth?” Cameron prompted.

“Is that the Scottish one?”

“Yes?”

Knox nodded. “Then yes, Macbeth.”

They all laughed at the disappointed sigh Cameron released, Todd almost spitting up his water from the surprise. Having friends was nice. Todd hadn’t had friends before, not like the poets, at least. They’d made him feel part of the group, and it turned out Todd slotted in just fine.

Todd ate his slightly too dry meatballs, nodding along to Meeks’ ramble on his and Pitts’ radio, and laughing at Cameron and Charlie’s bickering. After a while, he’d noticed that Neil was taking far too much time to put away two scripts. Todd, though, was known to be too vigilant about normal things, so he resisted looking to his soulmark for answers. There were many reasons Neil could be late. He could be in the bathroom, or looking for something, or maybe just taking a moment to relax, he rationalised. The worst didn’t have to be the first thought to come to mind.

Todd checked his soulmark anyway, eyes widening at the alarming rate it was changing.

My father knows… no no no… I can’t quit the play… 

“You alright?” Todd snapped his head up to see Charlie peering at him from across the dining table. 

Todd nodded. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Staring at your wrist a bit huh? Soulmate have something interesting on their mind?” He teased, kicking Todd lightly under the table.

Shaking his head, Todd took a sip of water to avoid answering straight away. “Um, no, not really. Hasn’t changed since this morning.” He lied, putting his wrist down on the table.

“What's your soulmate like, anyway? I don’t think I’ve ever asked.” Charlie ate another mouthful before continuing. “Mine seems like a bore, all they think about is school.”

Todd chuckled. “How ever will you deal?” He shrugged. “Um, I don’t really know about mine. They’re quite all over the place.”

Charlie scoffed. “Thanks for nothing, Anderson. Why do I even bother trying to gossip with you?”

“Not sure, get back to me when you figure it out.” He grinned as Charlie scoffed again and went back to his dinner, getting wrapped up in a conversation with Knox and Pitts. 

Todd looked back down to his wrist just as Neil came in, smiling as he took his seat next to Todd and immediately getting dragged into Knox, Pitts, and Charlie’s quickly heating discussion.

Todd glanced at Neil, then down to his own wrist. 

This is bad…

Once they were back in their room, Todd wondered whether or not he should broach the topic of Neil’s father. On one hand, Neil himself hadn’t brought it up, which was a sign that he most likely didn’t want to talk about it, but on the other, Todd was worried. 

Neil’s hands had been fidgeting all night, restless like they were looking for something to keep busy with even when Neil was already keeping busy. His usual sweet smile didn’t reach his eyes, barely tugging at the corners of his lips like his muscles were struggling to remember what a smile even was. He’d hunched in on himself, no longer holding his usual tall, proud, and effortless demeanour that reminded Todd of statues hand carved from marble. Instead, his head hung low like the branches of a willow tree. The fire in his eyes had been stomped out, the only remnants of it left being ash and smoke in the darkness. 

Todd jumped slightly when abruptly, Neil sat up from his bed. “I’m going to head to Keating’s.” He stated, throwing off his covers and began slipping on some shoes. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

“Neil,” Todd started. “Are- are you okay? You seem… weird.” He leaned up on his elbow, regarding Neil from his bed as he got his second shoe on.

“I’m fine, Todd, really. Just need to talk to the Captain for a second.” Neil reassured, shoulders tense and refusing to meet Todd’s eye. “Just go to sleep, Todd. Goodnight.” He waved his hand dismissively, and Todd begged internally to hold it and force Neil to talk to him.

Todd’s words clogged his throat. “Neil-”

“Yeah?” Neil paused, hand on the doorknob. 

Now was when Todd had to decide whether or not he’d press Neil. He desperately wanted to check in, but Neil hadn’t said anything. Todd wasn’t supposed to know Neil’s father knew, and if Todd revealed he did know, Neil would certainly figure out they were soulmates. Todd wasn’t ready; not yet. He’d already decided he’d tell Neil around the opening of Midsummer’s Night Dream, and revealing their bond to Neil while Neil was having a hard time wasn’t how he wanted it to go.

Todd bit his tongue. “Don’t get in trouble. Goodnight.” He said.

Neil threw Todd a half-smile, eyes dull even when reflecting the fluorescent lamp light. “Night.” With that, he slipped out the door, Todd listening to his footsteps echo down the hall. 

Todd held his soulmark to the orange light of his lamp as Neil’s footsteps disappeared.

I’m trapped.

Todd blinked awake, the sounds of muffled shuffling across the hardwood floor of the dorm welcoming him into consciousness. This was how most mornings would go for them, Neil waking up earlier than Todd and trying to get ready as quietly as possible to let him sleep for a few minutes longer. It was a routine, an unspoken rule that they’d never discussed but abided by nonetheless. 

Following this routine, Todd pushed himself out of bed, grabbing his uniform and heading to the showers. After his shower, Todd slid back into the room to Neil sitting at his desk, running a comb through his hair trying to fix it. 

“Morning.” Todd greeted, tossing his pyjamas and towel onto his chair. “Um. How’d the talk with Mr Keating go?”

Neil didn’t look up. “It went good, yeah.” 

Todd nodded, despite Neil not looking at him. “That's good.” He said. “Ready to go down to breakfast?”

“Yeah, of course.” Neil stood, giving Todd his first smile of the day. It was a better effort than the night before; less strained, but still too stilted, like it was being held together through sheer willpower alone. “I wonder what the Captain has planned for us today?” He asked, more to himself than to Todd.

“Something crazy, surely.” Todd replied absentmindedly, following after Neil without looking up from his wrist. 

What am I going to do…

Keating’s plans for them today were just as odd as they always were. However, Todd at the beginning of the year would’ve rolled his eyes and hung his head like somebody had died, but Todd now could feel the flutter in his stomach - previously nerves - evolve into excitement, like a bird was humming around inside him, buzzing for the next adventure. 

Adventure. It used to be a scary word, a word carrying so many unknowns and hardships. What nobody told Todd was that adventures did not have to be long, or difficult, or scary. Adventures could be fun and exciting; could be filled with laughter rather than terror.

Todd had come to love adventure like he’d come to love a multitude of other new things. He loved his friends, he loved poetry, he loved himself . He loved Neil. For the first time in his life, Todd had found his way down the path that led to loving being alive, and he was so close to it.

That was how Todd came to genuinely enjoy sitting in his English class, a blindfold over his eyes listening to classical music on a record player. He could faintly hear Mr Keating’s footsteps as he paced up and down the classroom, but other than that, the music and Todd’s thoughts filled the space between the blindfold and Todd’s head.

The school bell struck through the peace, rattling around Todd’s brain as he startled a bit in his seat. The music fizzled out. 

Keating cleared his throat. “Words can never contain as music does, the unsayable grace that cannot be defined. It leaps like light from mind to mind.” He said, “That's it for today boys, keep it in there.”

The room was filled with the sounds of talking and moving as Todd removed his blindfold, leaving it on his desk for Mr Keating. Neil stayed seated, blindfold still wrapped around his head. Todd contemplated making his way over to him, but Keating beat him to the punch.

Keating would help, Todd thought, as he left the classroom to chase after his friends. He adjusted the strap of his bag as he caught up with the group. 

“-so, you boys ready to get all spiffed up for tonight?” Charlie asked, hands in his pockets in his usual ‘cooler than thou’ attitude. The boys responded with a round of enthusiastic affirmations, and Charlie smirked. “Hell yeah, gentlemen. That’s the spirit.”

Todd raised his eyebrows at him. “You’re planning something.”

“A point to Todd! Yes, I am.” 

Pitts snickered. “Should we be frightened?”

“Absolutely.” Charlie replied without hesitation.

Meeks and Knox simultaneously burst out laughing. 

“What is that supposed to mean, Dalton?” Cameron questioned, books clutched tight to his chest.

Charlie huffed, rolling his eyes. “Don’t worry, Richard, it won’t hurt you or your precious merits.”

“And we’re supposed to believe you, are we?” 

“Yes, oh ye of little faith.” 

Meeks shook his head. “Like you’ve ever even touched a Bible.”

“I think he’d melt if he did.” Todd accepted the fist bump Knox offered him after he said that.

“You’re all traitors! Rats!” Charlie declared loudly, throwing his head back in mock pain and clutching his side like he’d just been shot multiple times. He banged against the wall of the hallway, pretending to sob violently.

Knox grinned, shoving Charlie who shoved him back. “And here we thought Neil was the actor.” 

“You know what, bye, guys, I’m going to be late for chemistry. See you at lunch.” Cameron sped up his pace, rounding a corner and disappearing. The rest of them all said similar goodbyes, dispersing to head to their separate classes.

Making his way towards Latin, Todd pulled up his sleeve.

I can’t let him ruin tonight for me.

Getting ready with his friends wasn’t something Todd thought he’d enjoy, or ever experience, but he was seemingly always proving himself wrong these days. 

The poets had commandeered one of the downstairs bathrooms, occupying the space with mostly laughter and attempts to make themselves somewhat presentable for Neil’s opening night of Midsummer’s Night Dream. Neil himself had left early to prepare; Todd hadn’t seen him since classes ended for the day, and he was greatly resisting the constant urge to check his soulmark. 

All of them - sans Charlie, who’d retreated into one of the stalls to do… something - were standing in front of the sink mirrors, hair products and combs strewn across the countertop as they all fixed their hair and joked around in the reflections. Todd fiddled with his tie, trying to get it to lay perfectly flat. He was going to be telling Neil after the play, so he wanted to look his best. He bit back a smile at the thought.

Cameron ran a comb through his hair, and Todd smirked, reaching over to mess it up as Cameron squawked and batted at him. “Come on, Todd.” He groaned, pushing Todd’s hand away. He looked in the mirror, going back to combing. “Can’t you see I’m trying to fix this?”

Todd suppressed a laugh, Meeks and Pitts less successful than he was as they leaned against each other and cackled at Cameron’s plight. Knox raised his hand for a high five and Todd accepted, Knox going back to trying to get his scarf on properly. He spun around to face the stalls, approaching the one Charlie had barricaded himself in.

“Come on, Charlie. At this rate we’re gonna miss Neil’s entrance.” He called, knocking on the stall door. 

“He said something about getting red before we left.” Pitts said, fixing the collar of his shirt in the mirror. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Cameron questioned, finally putting the comb down. 

Pitts shrugged, still examining his reflection. “Well, uh- you know Charlie.” 

Meeks chuckled, flattening Pitts’ collar a little more. “Unfortunately.”

As if summoned by their slander, Charlie swung open the door of his stall. He leaned against it, a small paint brush and jar of red paint in hand.

Cameron raised his eyebrows in question, scrutinising Charlie. “So, Charlie, what's this ‘getting red’ bit?”

Charlie smirked knowingly, putting the paint brush and paint down by his feet before lifting up his sleeve. Instead of Charlie’s inner wrist bearing his soulmark and whatever thoughts his soulmate was having, Charlie had gone over the mark in red paint, painting a slightly messy band of red all around his wrist.

Todd blinked owlishly, gaping at Charlie. “Charlie- what is this?”

“You covered your soulmark?” Knox asked.

Charlie grinned, completely wrapped up in himself and ignoring the questioning looks and slight laughter. “Well, I’ve got to show the ladies and gents of Henley Hall I’m on the market at the moment somehow, don’t I?” 

The rest of them muttered about Charlie’s quirks as they packed up their stuff. Todd couldn’t believe Charlie would cover up his soulmark - it was his connection to his soulmate, for god's sake. Why would you want anybody else? Though, Todd was being a little biassed. Charlie didn’t know who his soulmate was, and dating people who weren’t your soulmate prior to meeting them wasn’t uncommon. It wasn’t like he was blocking out his soulmate - maybe then Todd would call him out, but this was such a Charlie move, Todd couldn’t help but indulge him; he was in a good mood tonight.

“Oh, come on, Charlie. Your potential suitors are waiting.”

They all exited the bathroom, making a quick stop back at their rooms to pack their stuff away before rushing out to meet Mr Keating by the car, ice and snow thick on the ground and making Todd’s nose flush. Once they all piled into the car and they had set off towards Henley Hall, Todd allowed himself a sneaky peek at his soulmark.

I can’t believe this is happening!

They all had managed to snag seats only a few rows away, the group piling into the middle of the row of seats to get the best possible view of the performance. Henley Hall was packed to the brim, the stage dressed in foliage and bright lights like it was an enchanted forest straight out of a fantasy story. Todd’s cheeks ached from smiling, leg bouncing and subconsciously running his thumb over his soulmark as the audience settled in. He chose not to think about Mr Keating’s knowing looks from beside him.

Neil appeared out from behind a bush, wearing an all dark green outfit, a crown of twigs and berries on top of his head, paired with matching gloves. 

Charlie sat up from his seat, grinning. “Hey, there he is!” He grunted as Cameron put a hand on his chest and shoved him back down into his seat, whispered bickering ensuing between them. Mr Keating shushed them both.

Neil - Puck - jumped behind a tree, peeking out from behind it as a girl wearing a similar twig-clad outfit with a flower crown on her head, emerged. Puck snuck up behind her, and she turned, beginning to speak to him.

Todd allowed himself to sit and get lost in Neil’s performance. Neil, for lack of better terms, was a really, really good actor. If Todd was any less enthralled by Neil himself, he’d be sat in the audience being enthralled by Puck. Neil’s movements, the way he held himself, the inflections of his voice as Shakespeare’s words fell from his tongue, they were all completely unique; completely separated from Neil.

Where Neil moved with a calculated yet carefree fluidity, like a dancer; Puck moved with energy and impulse, like somebody had condensed pure mischief into a ball and set it loose onto the world. Where Neil’s words were teasing, smooth marble and seeped in intention;  Puck spoke tauntingly, almost like a school boy, and jester-like. Where Neil’s smile was bright, a star in the sky, a flicker of flame, a pearl in its shell; Puck’s smile was crooked, playful and coy in a way that made you cautiously curious, like when approaching a strange sound in the dark.

I love him, was all Todd could think. He wanted to love him, too. Watching Neil as he played Puck like he was born to be on stage, Todd wanted to be the spotlight, wanted to shower Neil in the adoration he deserved and love him with all his fragile heart could muster and then some. And for the first time, Todd was not guilty for wanting something good for himself. For the first time, Todd felt deserving.

He was good enough to be loved.

It was funny, Neil having his big moment on stage doing what he loved being the spark that lit the fuse in Todd’s mind that he was good enough. But, that was what soulmates were meant to be for each other. Awakenings, comforts, lovers - epiphanies . Soulmates, Todd had come to realise, were not just two perfect fitting puzzle pieces. They were more than that, they were the weight on the other end of the scale.

A soulmate was more than just a person made to love you - a soulmate was a person made to change you, made to bring you into their world as you would bring them into yours. A soulmate was made to balance you, to meet you in the middle, to love you for who you were and who you’d become. 

Todd had thought his soulmate would have to love him despite all of his shortcomings, but Neil had made him realise that a soulmate was meant to love you regardless. Neil would love him, whether Todd believed he was worthy or not; and Todd would love Neil, whether Neil would take him or not. No matter what, your soulmate would be your universal constant, a lightning rod struck with the electricity of love caught in it. It was Todd and Neil, Neil and Todd, written and weaved into the stars as the universe intended. 

And Todd was done fighting it; done running from what he desperately wanted out of the fear and shame that had been instilled inside him, filling the void where his soulmate was meant to be. This whole time, Todd had been pushing against the pull of his own wants, his own destiny, when in the end, it was all futile, all pointless, in the best way possible. Neil had reclaimed the empty part of Todd’s heart, tearing away the insecurity and pain and taking his rightful place as what Todd had been missing all this time. 

Neil and Todd. Todd and Neil. Their hands were perfect fits, designed to hold each other’s by the universe itself. They were inevitable. 

So, Todd grinned, he clapped and cheered for his soulmate, who very soon would know everything as he was meant to; as the universe intended. He was so absorbed in his joy, he missed the change in his mark.

He showed up.

Mr Perry had shown up, and he was dragging Neil away and out of Henley Hall too fast for any of them to get a word in with him. The boys sure tried, though, chasing after them and yelling for Neil’s attention as they pushed through the crowds. 

Todd called his name, desperate to tell him. He needed to tell him. It’d take less than a minute to say, to explain, he just needed Neil to wait . 

Mr Keating managed to catch Neil by the arm, face shining with enough pride to melt the snow around them. “Neil, Neil. You have a gift, you even left me speechless. You must stick with it-”

Mr Perry pushed Neil behind him, standing between him and Keating. “Get in the car, Neil.” He said, pushing Neil towards the parked car. He turned back to Keating. “Stay away from my son.”

“Mr Perry, c’mon!” Charlie yelled as he turned his back to get in the car.

Todd swallowed the bile rising in his throat. He needed to tell him. “Neil! Neil, please!” He reached out fruitlessly, like Neil would be able to reach back and link their hands.

Keating shot them both a glum look. “Don’t make it any worse than it is.”

Charlie turned to Todd, mouth a thin line as Neil and Mr Perry got into the car and began driving off. Mr Keating stared after the car. 

“Is it okay if we walk back?” Charlie asked Keating, tapping him on the shoulder when he didn’t respond. “Captain?”

Keating remained unresponsive, face void of all emotion as he watched Mr Perry drive away, until his headlights disappeared into the darkness. Todd’s heart dropped in his chest, sinking like an anchor. He didn’t think he could stomach glancing at his mark, no matter how much he wanted to at this moment. 

Charlie nudged him. “C’mon, let's go back.” He motioned for the others to follow, and they started on their way back to Welton. 

Mr Keating remained on the snow covered curb, lost in the crowd as the Poet’s trekked away.

Todd laid in his bed, staring up at the peeling plaster ceiling aimlessly tracing the imperfections with his gaze. The room was silent and empty, the bed across from his perfectly made and void. It’d been at least two hours since they’d gotten back to school, even Mr Keating had dragged himself away from Henley Hall and turned into his room for the night. Todd had checked his mark periodically since he’d arrived in his room, but it’d stayed firm in its words the whole time.

I was good, I was really good.

Todd agreed wholeheartedly, of course, and was hoping that if his soulmark hadn’t already noted that to Neil, he’d be able to tell him that himself when Neil came back. He still needed to tell Neil they were soulmates, too. He was in for a long ramble when he arrived home; maybe Todd would tell him in the morning, if he could wait. Just so Neil could get some rest beforehand. He wasn’t quite sure yet. 

What he was sure of though, was that if Neil didn’t come back soon he’d implode of anxiety. Apparently, this was noticeable from across the hall, as Charlie poked his head into the room before slipping inside. 

“No Neil?” He asked, glancing pointedly at the empty bed.

Todd pushed himself into a sitting position. “Not yet. You heard anything?”

“Not yet.” Charlie repeated. He regarded Todd with a thoughtful look as he tried to connect whatever dots were behind his eyes. “Are you okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Just worried.” 

Charlie hummed in understanding. “Me too, honestly.” He ran a hand through his hair, rubbing his eyes. “Mr Perry’s just a dick. Neil’s probably going to be grounded for eternity.”

“Let's hope that's the worst of it.”

“Definitely.” He paused, continuing to stare at him. “You can talk to me, y’know that, right? We’re friends.”

Being friends with Charlie Dalton was an unexpected but welcome concept to Todd. Well, once Charlie had stopped trying to scare him intentionally and Todd had stopped being intimidated by his over the top persona. You might not believe it, but underneath Charlie’s air of arrogance and generally dickheadedness, he was a loyal, passionate and caring friend. One Todd was glad to have, especially in moments like this.

“Of course.” Todd smiled slightly. “I’m just really tired, and worried about Neil. I’ll tell you soon, though, there’s just someone I want to tell first.”

“Oh? Who is this mystery person who ranks higher than me, Mr Anderson?” Charlie taunted, grinning and raising his eyebrows.

Todd snorted. “You’ll probably find out soon anyway.”

“Alright, keep your secrets, for now.” Charlie yawned, stretching dramatically like he was trying to pop his bones out. “Well, I’m gonna turn in for the night, I think. Goodnight, Todd. Get some rest.”

“Night, Charlie. See you in the morning.” With that, Charlie slipped out of the room and back into his own down the hall. Faintly, Todd could hear Cameron scolding Charlie, and he laughed to himself.

Lying down, Todd took one last look at his soulmark before turning out his lamp.

I was good, I was really good.

Todd woke up on fire. Though, before he’d processed that, he’d woken up screaming, voice tearing from his throat at the utter pain wracking through his body. The tears streaking down his face were as scorching as the rest of him felt. Todd shot up from his bed and tossed off his covers, the early Winter morning chill doing little to ease him. 

He choked on another scream as the fire roamed underneath his skin, clutching his wrist to his chest as the burning pooled underneath his soulmark. He pried it away from his protective curl to look at it.

Eyes wide in horror, Todd watched his soulmark burn away.

Todd sobbed, the emotional repercussions and implications unable to gain footing in the face of the fiery agony of Todd’s body. He was being torn apart- no, something was being torn from him. Something had taken hold of part of him and ripped it from him, invisible hands plunging into his ribs to tear his heart out and eat it as his scream trickled into another sob. Throughout it all, Todd’s flooded eyes stayed locked onto the blurry image of his bare wrist in front of him.

The door swung open. Charlie entered with tear stained cheeks. “Todd wake up-” 

Charlie froze, taking in the way Todd was looking at his wrist - and how notably bare it was - to the tears and pained noises Todd was making. The dots connected. 

“Oh- oh, Todd.” He gasped as Pitts, Meeks, and Knox arrived in the doorway, looking at him with similarly despondent looks. “Todd, he’s- was- was Neil-”

Todd whimpered, gripping his own wrist like a stress ball. “It burns .” He made a move to stand. He didn’t know where he was trying to go, or why he was trying to leave at all, but the need to move had possessed Todd. 

However, the minute he stood, the fire shot down to his feet, and Todd cried out as he crumpled to the ground. It burned, he thought absently, why is he burning, it hurt, it burned so much.

Charlie swore, the four of his friends rushing around his prone, pathetic form.

“Oh my god-” Pitts exclaimed. 

Knox placed a hand on Todd’s back. “Shit, shit, Charlie, what do we do?”

A cold hand pressed against his forehead, and Meeks spoke. “He’s going into a soulbreak, his temperature is skyrocketing.”

“Does that mean-?” Pitts didn’t finish his sentence.

Knox rubbed Todd’s back as Todd weeped, tendrils of flame licking throughout his entire bloodstream. “Oh, Todd,” he whispered. “I’m so, so sorry.”

“Charlie?”

“It’s still snowy out.” Charlie said. “We- we need to bring him outside. He’s going to overheat.”

That was the last thing Todd remembered hearing for a while, the blood rushing up to his head as the fire pounded at the space between his eyes, attempting to break out and burn the world to dust. His body was moving - no thanks to Todd - as his friends did their best to drag him into the courtyard, but Todd barely registered it as happening at all.

Todd was so empty , a gaping wound in his chest nobody else but him could see or feel. His guts were spilling out from underneath him, his chest wrenched open and heart missing from its cavity leaving an empty chasm in its wake. Somebody had taken a scalpel to his very soul and cut away at it, abandoning it to bleed out in the dark, dismembered and never to be whole again. He couldn’t speak, but he could hear himself screaming from faraway, echoing in the void. He was wide awake, too alight to be unconscious, but it felt like he’d blacked out entirely, the memories too hazy and blurry to be anything Todd had been conscious of.

Todd came to briefly as the boys got him down the stairs. He choked on his words like blood and bile, swallowing the desire to puke. “How- what. What happened?” He croaked to no one in particular.

He heard Charlie sniffle. “Neil… Neil shot himself. Todd. Todd.” Todd did his best to look at him. “Neil’s dead.”

Neil was dead . Neil was dead, and Todd felt like he was dying too.

Todd thought he said something in return - a denial, maybe, or another question - or maybe he’d just screamed again, but he didn’t actually remember as another wave of flames passed over him and he groaned. 

In the blink of an eye they were outside, the cold, wet snow sloshing beneath his feet as the boys dragged him out into it, away from the rest of the world.

Wrenching himself out of his friends’ grip, Todd stood in the snow, swaying on his feet. Todd knew it was cold out, but the freezing winter did nothing to ease the furnace burning inside him. He remained burning, like an exploding star, or maybe just firewood. He glanced around the courtyard, eyes glossed over as he took in the blurry images of the frozen lake and porcelain snow.

Voice brittle, like his words would turn to dust in the wind, Todd spoke. “It's… so beautiful.” Then, gashes opened within his legs, and Todd ragdolled into a kneeling position in the snow.

He gagged, choking on another pained scream. It hurt. He wanted it to stop hurting. Why was it still hurting? Somebody was pulling his limbs out of their sockets, twisting them behind him and yanking like he was an old doll. 

The sounds of his friends clamouring around him again filled his ringing ears. “Todd, it’s okay. It’s okay.” Charlie said. 

Pitts rubbed his shoulder. “Todd, Todd, c’mon.”

He squeezed his eyes shut as a coat was draped over his shoulders. Right, he was still in his pyjamas. If Todd’s body wasn’t completely on fire, he would’ve been freezing. He shrugged it off. “No- no, it's too- it burns why is it so hot I-” he shuddered, not from the cold, but from the agony.

“Todd, you’re gonna freeze to death. Take my coat.” Knox said, pushing the coat back towards him.

“We can’t force him to wear it.” Meeks tossed the warm article of clothing back to Knox. 

“But-”

Knox was cut off by Todd letting out another blood curdling scream, clutching his wrist in his hand and holding it to his face as he howled. The burn in his wrist had intensified, his veins turned to lava. It felt like the place where his mark had been was left blistering under the surface, like he’d placed his wrist on hot coals for hours on end.

Crying out, Todd stuck his hand in the snow, trying to ease the burn. When relief didn’t come, he attempted to dig it in deeper, stopped by Charlie gripping him by the wrist and yanking it out of the snow.

“Todd- Todd no . Your hand will fall off if you do that, stop- stop!” Charlie tightened his grip as Todd attempted to break free of it, clamping down over the spot where his mark should be. His hands were cold; not cold enough, though.

“This- no, he wouldn’t. Neil- he wouldn’t. Why would he do this?” Todd spoke frantically, reaching for straws in his mind through the fever. “It was his father. He wouldn’t have left us - left me . His father- he wouldn’t do this. His father did it.”

Charlie opened his mouth, fresh tear tracks down his cheeks. “Todd.”

“His father killed him.” Todd whimpered. Charlie’s grip faltered on his wrist and Todd broke away, stumbling onto his feet.

He needed to leave- he needed Neil , he couldn’t be here, he couldn’t- where was he? He needed to tell him; where, where, where .

Todd looked around frantically, searching for anywhere to go. His eyes landed on the dock, memories of laughter and Shakespeare filtering in through the ache in his head. Todd lurched towards it, rushing down the hill. He tripped, slipping in the ice and picking himself up, tunnel visioned on getting to the dock.

“Neil!” He screamed to the universe, a begging, pleading cry for mercy, for peace, for Neil. His feet hit the dock, pounding across the wood til he reached the edge.

Todd’s world stopped moving, pain subsiding for just a moment of bliss as he stared out at the frozen water. 

Another sob wracked through him as he fell to his knees once again, kneeling on the hard, uncomfortable wood as he curled around his wrist protectively. The fire simmered beneath his skin, and words fell from Todd’s lips like stuttered, crazed prayers.

Todd prayed. He prayed even after the fire had begun to flicker out inside him and the agony dulled into a numb feeling throughout his whole body. He stayed there, kneeling on the dock, praying for the world to make him whole again. He clenched his hand around his wrist tighter, wishing it was Neil’s hand instead of the wasteland on his skin he’d left behind.

The rest of the day after his world ended was a blur. Charlie later told him he’d passed out from basically everything he could’ve - cold, dehydration, exhaustion, all of the above. All he knew was that the next thing he’d consciously registered was being in his bed, feeling drained, cold, and completely healthy. Todd could’ve convinced himself that it had all been one big nightmare, but the empty, pulsing chasm inside his entire being, and his tender, bare wrist made it impossible.

Neil was dead. His soulmate was dead. Todd was another just soulbroken statistic now, another song left unfinished, another unwritten happy ending. He was going to be empty for the rest of his life, soul wandering forever searching for its other half. He never even got to tell Neil. He hadn’t even known - known that Todd was right there. If he had known, would he still be here? Or would Neil still have picked up that gun? Had he crossed Neil’s mind last night? Had his soulmate? Todd was left with so many questions; questions that’d never be answered. 

A day went by. Then two. Todd didn’t leave. The poets left food on Todd’s desk, some of his classmates came by to give him their condolences, and the nurse checked in to make sure he hadn’t gotten sick from the snow. Other than that, Todd was left alone in his grief. He spent most of it crying into his pillow, facing the wall. He couldn’t bear to look at the empty bed across the room; just as empty as he was.

On the third day, they held a ceremony for Neil. Todd almost didn’t show, but he didn’t want more rumours spreading about him about the reasons he didn’t. Singing strained his tired, hoarse throat, but he tried. He didn’t cry - he couldn’t, not anymore. He’d cried himself dry. Besides, he didn’t want to show everybody that side of him. They hadn’t cared to know him before all of this; they didn’t deserve to know him just because they knew the tragedy that’d ripped through him three days before. 

He still hadn’t seen Keating. He hadn’t seen him since the play. Though, it wasn’t like Todd had been in class recently. The school had given him a courtesy week soulbreak period; it wasn’t nearly enough, but he’d take what he 

Throughout the ceremony, Todd tuned out the superficial speeches faculty gave about who they thought Neil was. They didn’t know anything.

Todd had thought he’d known Neil, though. But, apparently he hadn’t, not as well as he’d thought, at least. 

Why would Neil do this? Everybody knew how painful a soulbreak was. Losing your soulmate - it was the most pain any person could ever feel. You were literally losing half of your own soul. Why would Neil do that to his soulmate? Todd wasn’t sure what was worse - Neil knowing it was Todd and soulbreaking him, or Neil thinking he was soulbreaking a stranger. How could he do that to somebody he didn’t even know; who he’d never get to know, and who’d never get to know him? What if his soulmate had been some stranger, who’d have been living their life as normal and then had it uprooted by their other half they didn’t even know? What if they’d had to live longingly empty for a person who they’d never met?

That being said, Todd wasn’t happy that it’d been him. 

Why did it have to be him? Why did he not get his happy ending, white picket fence life with Neil? Why didn’t he even get to tell Neil? Why would the universe give him his soulmate, right there, so close, and then snatch him out from under him? Why did the universe want him to suffer so much? Why would it push the boulder down the hill just as he’d finally gotten it to stay? Why-

Why wasn’t Todd allowed anything good to stay?

His heart cried out as Todd, for the first, but not last time, was angry with Neil. It felt selfish, and cruel, to curse his soulmate’s name after his death, but it was all he had. It wasn’t like he could do much else.

He looked down at his wrist, staring blankly at the bare skin. And in that moment? Todd hated Neil Perry.

Sitting in the cloakroom with his friends, curled up into a ball, Todd’s heartache was a twist of a dull knife in his chest. The room was cluttered, packing them all together like sardines, which wasn’t helping the suffocating feeling in Todd’s chest. The poets were kind to him through it all, which felt like a bandaid over the gash, but it wasn’t enough. Nothing would ever be enough again.

Smoke collected in the dark, small room as the five of them - Cameron, nowhere to be found - smoked in mostly silence, conversations hushed and lingering on the floorboards.

Charlie lit a cigarette as Todd began listening to the conversation again. “You told him about this meeting?”

“Twice.” Pitts replied.

Charlie scoffed, tilting his head back and taking a drag. “That's it, boys. We’re fried.”

“How so?”

“Cameron's a fink. He's in Nolan's office right now, finking.” Charlie spat out, emphasising every word like a punch. 

Pitts furrowed his brow. “About what?” He asked.

“The club, Pittsie.” Charlie said. “Think about it. The board of directors, the trustees and Mr. Nolan. Do you think for one moment they're gonna let this thing just blow over? One of their best students is dead and he was another student’s soulmate.” He shot Todd an apologetic look when he winced.  He offered Todd a drag from his cigarette, which Todd accepted quickly. “Schools go down because of things like this. They need a scapegoat.”

The cloakroom door creaked open and they all rushed to put their cigarettes out, frantic stomping and waving ensuing. Except for Charlie, who sat up a little straighter but continued to take casual drags. 

Cameron entered, flicking the lights on.

“Hey, guys. What's going on?” He asked, glancing between them all for an answer. 

In lieu of an answer, Charlie stood, tossing his cigarette onto his previous seat. He stared Cameron down. “You finked, didn’t you?” He accused. 

“Finked?” Cameron repeated, incredulous. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Dalton.” 

“You told Nolan about the club is what I’m talking about.” 

Cameron opened his mouth, looking ready to deflect further. Instead, he switched to the defence. “Look, in case you hadn't heard, Dalton, there's something called an honour code at this school, all right? If a teacher asks you a question, you tell the truth or you're expelled.”

“You little-” 

Knox and Meeks rushed at Charlie as Charlie rushed at Cameron, lunging to hit him. Cameron stepped back, Knox and Meeks holding placating hands on Charlie’s shoulders as Charlie tried to shake them off. 

“Charlie, don’t.” Meeks said.

“He’s a rat!” Charlie yelled back in response. “He’s in it up to his eyes, so he ratted to save himself.”

Knox shook Charlie by the shoulder. “Don’t touch him, Charlie. You touch him, and you’re out.” He reasoned.

Charlie shook his head, pushing Knox back. “I’m out anyway.”

“No, you don’t know that, not yet.”

Cameron gestured to Knox. “He's right there, Charlie. And if you guys are smart, you will do exactly what I did and cooperate. They're not after us. We're the victims. Us and Neil.” He stared expectantly at Todd. “Right, Todd? We’re the victims.”

Todd wanted to vomit. He didn’t say anything; just stared at Cameron with a look of disbelief and grief (a look he’d been wearing almost every second of everyday, recently.)

“What's that mean? Who are they after?” Charlie questioned, stepping closer to Cameron.

“Why, Mr. Keating, of course. The "Captain" himself.” Cameron’s voice rose, taking up space in the tiny room. “I mean, you guys didn't really think he could avoid responsibility, did you?”

Charlie tilted his head, face pinched. “Mr. Keating responsible for Neil? Is that what they're saying?”

“Well, who else do you think, dumbass?” He shot. “The administration? Mr. Perry? Mr. Keating put us up to all this crap, didn't he? If it wasn't for Mr. Keating, Neil would be cozied up in his room right now, studying his chemistry and dreaming of being called doctor.” 

Todd’s voice ripped out of him before he knew what he was saying, shooting up from his seat. “That's not true, Cameron. You know that.” His voice was strained, quiet and hoarse from disuse. “Neil- Neil loved acting, Mr Keating didn’t put him up to anything!”

Cameron gestured at him like it’d make Todd understand better.  “He’d be here, with you Todd!” He yelled. “If Keating had left us all alone, you and Neil would be fine and dandy and in love right now. Instead, you’re soulbroken. Don’t you get it?”

Charlie stepped between them, blocking Todd from Cameron’s view. “Don’t bring soulmate shit into this, Cameron. You don’t even believe in soulmates, you don’t get to use them to convince us to fink on Keating.”

Cameron rolled his eyes. “Believe what you want, but I say let Keating fry. I mean, look at Todd! His life is ruined, why let him ruin the rest of ours?”

Charlie lunged for Cameron again - the boys too slow to stop him - fist aimed straight for Cameron’s face. A sickening crack sounded out throughout the cloakroom followed by the thud of Cameron hitting the ground. Meeks and Knox pulled Charlie off of Cameron, the former unbothered by the blood staining his knuckles, the latter bringing up a hand to feel the steady streams of blood leaking from his nostrils.

Bringing his hand away to stare at the blood, Cameron glared at Charlie from his prone form. “You just signed your expulsion papers, Dalton.” He spat venomously.

Charlie shook Meeks and Knox off of him, turning around and pushing past them all to light a cigarette, facing away from Cameron.

Cameron picked himself back up, taking in the fact that none of them were on his side. “And if the rest of you are smart, you'll do exactly what I did. They know everything anyway.” He brushed himself off. “You can't save Keating, but you can save yourselves.”

With that, he turned on his heel, and walked out. The door slammed shut behind him. 

Meeks, Pitts, and Knox all turned to each other in worry.

Todd turned to Charlie. “Charlie-”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He said, voice wobbly. Todd couldn’t see what he was doing, but he thought Charlie was looking down at his wrist. 

Hager was calling them all up one by one today to talk to them, was what they heard right after breakfast from Cameron. He didn’t sit with them, only stopping by briefly to pass the message on before sitting somewhere else entirely. They were meant to stay in their rooms - not go to any classes - and wait for their name to be called.

Todd was sat on his bed, staring blankly at Neil’s bare bed, when Charlie entered.

“Charlie,” Todd stood while Charlie shut the door behind him. “We’re meant to be waiting in our rooms. Go back.”

“I’m getting expelled anyway, Todd, I don’t care anymore.” He said, looking down at the floor. “I wanted to give you this.” Charlie reached into his pocket and held out a torn notebook page. 

Todd took it, reading over Charlie’s chicken scratch.

“It’s my address. My parents' house, and my aunt's house, since I might get shipped there after all of the crap I pulled, honestly.”

“Why are you giving this to me?” Todd asked, holding up the paper. 

“You’re Neil’s soulmate, Todd. I’m not leaving you hangin’ just because Cameron’s getting me expelled.” He sniffled, wiping at his glossy eyes. “It's what Neil would do. You’re my friend, Todd. And the rest of your life is going to be hell without him. I want to be there.” He shrugged. “Can’t get rid of me this easily, Anderson. You’re stuck with me.”

“Charlie…” Todd laughed wetly. “Thank you. You’re the greatest friend I could’ve asked for.” 

Never had Todd thought he’d be crying in his room with Charlie Dalton of all people, but the universe had strange ways of connecting people. Neil might’ve been gone, but Todd was half of Neil’s soul; on a universal level, maybe Charlie could feel that. Or maybe Charlie Dalton was just softer and kinder than people gave him credit for. Both were fine answers.

Charlie stared at Todd, then down at Todd’s wrist. “I. I figured out who my soulmate is.”

“Thats- thats great, Charlie.” He took a deep inhale. “Who is it?”

“Cameron.”

Todd blinked, mouth dropping open. “Cameron? Wh- how’d you find out?”

Charlie wordlessly lifted up his blazer and shirt sleeve (his knuckles were still red), revealing his soulmark. He deserves to be expelled after punching me in the face.

The half of Todd’s heart left shattered slightly. “ Oh, Charlie.”

“Yeah. Universe really fucked me over with this one.” Charlie let his sleeve fall down again, nodding, his eyes glassy again and biting his lip. “It’s been like that since yesterday.”

“What’re you gonna do?” Todd asked. 

He shrugged. “I don’t know yet.” Charlie said. “I… I don’t know.”

Todd nodded. “That's okay.” He took a tentative step closer. “I’ll send you a letter, asking you about it, in a little bit. To your parents’ house, or your aunt’s, or wherever you end up. Okay?” He rasped, choking up a little bit.

“Okay.” Charlie replied. “Can I-”. He broke off, reaching his arms out instead.

Todd hugged him. For a moment, both their broken hearts found peace. Not for long, though. And not nearly enough.

He pulled back, reaching a hand up to squeeze Charlie’s. Charlie squeezed back. Todd ignored that their hands didn’t fit properly together, because no hands would ever fit Todd’s in the way he had been dreaming of since he was seven years old for the rest of his life. 

He watched Meeks make his way back to his room as Hager called for Knox. Knox offered him a thumbs up and a smile as he passed, and once he’d disappeared along with Hager, Todd slipped out to knock on Meeks’ door.

“Meeks?”

“I have to study, Todd.” Was Meeks’ muffled reply. “I’m sorry, just, go away.”

“What happened to Charlie?” He asked, though he knew the answer.

Meeks confirmed it. “Expelled.”

“What’d you tell them?” 

“Nothing they didn’t already know.” 

Down the hall, Hager called his name. Reluctantly, Todd followed. 

When Todd enters Nolan’s office, two familiar faces stare at him from their seats around Nolan’s desk.

His father nodded at him. “Hello, son.” 

“Hi, darling.” Todd’s mother greeted him.

“Mom?” Todd stared at his parents, bewildered. Why were they here? What was he about to do? 

He was broken out of his confusion by a familiar, warm hug (his second of the day) enveloping him. “Hey, Toddo.” Jeffrey pulled back to smile down at him. “We’ll talk after, okay?” His voice dropped down to a whisper. He pulled fully away, going back to his spot standing by the door. His brother gave him an encouraging look, and Todd sat down.

Todd listened to Nolan drag on about Keating, and the society, and Neil’s death, forcing the tears down. He wasn’t going to cry in front of Nolan or his parents. 

“-And, Mr Anderson, I’m sure you’ll be pleased to hear that Mr Keating will be fired as soon as possible.” Nolan said. “The nurse has offered to see you once a week, if you’d like to discuss your soulmate predicament. And, speaking for Welton, I’d like to formally and personally apologise for the emotional damage Keating has inflicted upon you in the wake of Mr Perry’s untimely passing.”

Todd shut his eyes, and sighed. Opening them, he took the pen offered by Nolan. He glanced back at Jeff, who smiled at him, sad but understanding nonetheless. His parents were finally proud. Half of Todd’s soul cried out in remorse; the other half was silent as the grave.

Jeffrey found him curled up on Charlie’s (soon to be old ) bed. He couldn’t go back to his own room - to Neil’s room, but he also wanted to be alone. Charlie was with his parents rounding up his school records now that he was expelled, and since Cameron had slinked off somewhere unknown, Charlie had offered the room to him while it was technically still his. His covers, like all of Welton’s, were scratchy and a little thin, but it did the job of cocooning Todd from the rest of the world fine enough.

“Hey, Toddo.” Jeff said as he shuffled into the room, the door clicking shut behind him. His suit was immaculate as ever, well-fitted with the tie slightly loose around his neck. Jeff’s  blond (slightly lighter in shade than Todd’s) hair was out of place, sticking up like he’d been running his hands through it. His smile was weary, but comforting and familiar all the same.

“Hey.” Todd croaked out, voice crackling like static. “How’re you?” 

Jeff choked out a laugh in disbelief. “You’re asking me how I am?” He gestured to himself. “Todd… I- I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to do to fix this.” Jeffrey shrugged off his suit jacket, tossing it onto Charlie’s desk and sitting down on the bed. 

“I don’t think you can , Jeff.” Todd turned his head to the side, facing away from his brother. “This isn’t some- some bully on the playground or homework problem. You can’t make this one go away.” 

“I know.” Jeffrey replied softly. He shook Todd by the shoulder. “Hey, Todd, look at me. C’mon.” Todd reluctantly turned his head to his brother, faced with his teary gaze and shaky smile. “I’m here, okay? I’m here.” He squeezed Todd’s shoulder tightly.

Todd felt the dam start to break again, and he scrambled into a sitting position, facing his brother. “I want him back, Jeff.” He admitted pitifully, like a child begging for something at a toy store. “I want my soulmate.”

“I know. I know.” Jeff sniffled. “I’m sorry.”

With that, the waterworks came pouring out. Todd sobbed, Jeff quick to pull him into his arms as Todd cried into his shoulder. 

“It’s not fair… it's not fair! He- he was right here Jeff. We- I- its-”

Jeff shushed his aimless ramblings, moving a hand to cradle the back of Todd’s head. “I know, Todd. I know. It’s not fair. Just… just let it all out. I’m here.”

“I want him back .” Todd wailed into his older brother’s arms. “It's so empty, Jeff. I don’t want to be empty anymore. I can’t- why would he-” Todd’s words broke into another sob, burying his head further into Jeff’s shoulder. “I never got to hold his hand.”

He felt Jeff nod against him. “It’s gonna be okay, okay? It's gonna be okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know.” Jeff repeated the words like a mantra, chanting them like a broken record as Todd’s sobs melted into hiccups and his head went light.

Todd fell asleep, head in his older brother’s lap as he whispered placating words and ran a hand through his hair. It dulled the aching inside his chest a bit, up until he watched his brother get into his car and drive far, faraway again.

Todd woke up the next morning to a note on his bedside table. It was from Charlie.

‘ Hey, Anderson. When you see this, I’ll have already packed my bags and gone on my merry way from this hellhole. I’m sorry I didn’t wake you or something - in my defence, you’re not a morning person (and you need the sleep). I also just didn’t want to say goodbye, I would’ve cried again. Don’t worry, you’re not special, the others got their own notes from me. Consider it a token of my love or something. Stay strong, Todd. Just a little longer till you’re free too.  I hope to see a letter from you soon, okay?  

Don’t be a stranger,

Charlie’

He smiled sadly down at the slip of paper, and tucked it in between the pages of his favourite notebook. He’d write soon.

However, now, he had to get ready for classes. His week-long mourning period was up. It’d barely made a dent in the indescribable grief rattling Todd’s entire being, but it didn’t matter. Todd was being hit with the feeling that nothing mattered anymore more and more in light of recent events. He didn’t know how to feel about it.

Classes were a slog, as expected. They all blurred into one in Todd’s mind, where he spent most of his classes staring at the empty seats Neil and/or Charlie used to fill, and pointedly ignoring Cameron’s glances. He stuck with Meeks, Pitts, and Knox, who tried their best to keep him afloat throughout the day. Todd appreciated their efforts, even if they were vapid in the face of Todd’s misery.

English arrived sooner than Todd had hoped. Keating was gone; Todd hoped that maybe he’d get a chance to say some final words to him, but it seemed like Welton had already gotten to him. The class was silent; more silent than it had been in months, an eerie, haunted kind of feeling in the air as they all sat at their desks, solemn.

The door opened and all of their heads turned. Nolan. 

They all scrambled to stand to attention, rigid like toy soldiers in rows as Nolan stalked through the aisles to get to the front of the class.

“Sit.” They sat. “I'll be teaching this class through exams. We'll find a permanent English teacher during the break. Who will tell me where you are in the Pritchard textbook?”

The class stayed silent, and Nolan’s face twitched. 

“Kindly inform me, Mr Cameron.” He commanded, staring at Cameron.

“We skipped around a lot, sir. We covered the Romantics and some of the chapters on Post Civil War literature.” Cameron said, staring at Nolan with a deer in the headlights face despite his controlled voice.

Nolan nodded shortly. “What about the realists?”

“I believe we skipped most of that, sir.”

“All right, then, we'll start over. What is poetry?”

A knock at the door interrupted Nolan.

Mr Keating stood in the door, scarf around his neck as he peered into the class. “Excuse me. I came for my personals. Should I come back after class?”

“Get them now, Mr Keating.” Nolan said dismissively. Keating nodded, walking into the class and past them all as Nolan continued. “Gentlemen, turn to page 21 of the introduction. Mr. Cameron, read aloud the excellent essay by Dr. Pritchard on ‘Understanding Poetry’.”

Todd tracked Mr Keating as he drifted past his desk without glancing at any of them. He slipped into the small off room.

Cameron faltered. “That page has been ripped out, sir.”

“Borrow a book from somebody else.”

He paused, chewing his lip nervously. “They’re all ripped out, sir.”

“What do you mean, they're all ripped out?” Cameron opened his mouth to explain, but Nolan cut him off by walking over and placing his own book on Cameron’s desk. “Read.”

"’Understanding Poetry by Dr. J Evans Pritchard, Ph.D. To fully understand poetry, we must first be fluent with its metre, rhyme and figures of speech, then ask two questions: 1) How artfully has the objective of the poem been rendered and 2)...’" Cameron read aloud from the textbook. Todd glanced at Keating as he exited the small room, a briefcase in hand.

Cameron paused as the door to Mr Keating’s small off room creaked, before continuing. "’How important is that objective? Question 1 rates the poem's perfection; question 2 rates its importance.’” Keating walked past Todd again, rounding the class on his way out the door. “‘And once these questions have been answered, determining the poem's greatness becomes a relatively simple matter. If the poem's score for perfection is plotted on the horizontal of a graph-"

The emptiness in Todd’s heart pulsed, and before he knew it he stood up, turning to the back of the class. “Mr Keating, they made everyone sign it, I swear.”

Nolan glared at Todd. “Mr Anderson, I understand you are emotionally and mentally compromised, but sit down. Now.”

“You gotta believe me, it's true.” Todd continued, undeterred. 

Keating nodded at Todd, smiling softly. “I believe you, Todd. Don’t worry.”

Nolan turned to Keating. “Leave, Mr Keating.”

“But its not his fault-”

“Sit down, Mr Anderson!” 

Todd opened his mouth, face falling as he dropped back down to his seat, head hung. His soul - what was left of it - roiled inside him, crying out desperately. 

“One more outburst from you or anyone else, and you're out of this school! Leave, Mr. Keating.”

Keating hesitated despite Nolan’s call. “Todd.” He said. “I’m deeply sorry, my boy. For everything.”

“I said leave, Mr Keating.” Nolan repeated, voice taut.

Keating nodded, turning back towards the door to leave for good. Tears pricked at Todd’s eyes, but he was done crying. He’d cried enough.

Soul burning inside his chest, and heart aching, Todd pushed up, climbing on top of his desk. “Oh captain, my captain!”

Pausing, Keating turned to Todd, taking in the sight of him, stood atop his desk.

Nolan was yelling at him, but Todd wasn’t listening. His world had stopped spinning for a moment. Knox, Meeks, Pitts - some of the other boys followed him, standing atop their own desks and sending their regards to their captain, but Todd couldn’t even focus on that either. The only thing Todd could register was the sudden feeling of wholeness inside of him; a brief click of puzzle pieces. It was faint, like a phantom limb or the graze of hands against his chest, pushing his open wound closed. But for a moment, Todd felt complete, like the universe was reminding him one last time of its omniscient presence in his life.

Keating smiled. “Thank you, boys. Thank you.” 

Then, Mr Keating turned and left through the door, leaving them behind, standing on their desks. Todd stood there, taking in the universe for all it was in this moment. He glanced down to his wrist, pale and barren as it always would be. The universe’s hands withdrew, the chasm inside him ripping open once again. This was his verse, Todd thought faintly as the world came back into motion. This was the verse the universe had written him into; a verse that sang of love and loss. 

Todd glanced at Neil’s empty desk - as empty as he would be for the rest of his life. He had loved him, he had fallen in love with him, as he was made to do. In fact, maybe Todd was still falling in love with him; maybe he’d be falling in love with Neil Perry for the rest of his life. Maybe that was Todd’s story, his destiny: to know he loved Neil, and to continue to fall in love with him despite the fact Neil slipped through his fingers. Todd was struck with the realisation that maybe Neil had been dead since the moment they’d met; that their fates had been decided long before they’d ever existed, and this was always how the dominoes would fall. Neil would die, feeling unloved, unwanted and utterly alone in the world. And Todd’s hands would forever be reaching, searching for Neil’s; his hands handcrafted to fit the strong, gentle palms of a boy who’d been dead while walking. Just as the universe had intended.