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Very few planets or moons or even satellites inhabited by humans in their never ending quest of outward expansion held onto outdated and frankly barbaric views of gender.
Sadly, the small Outer Rim planet of Iphis was one of them.
I had avoided it until now. I long to see the stars for adventure and beauty and treasures. Not for bigotry and to be told the way I choose to keep my hair or my choice to wear eyeliner determines my gender.
But the Captain had a contact in this sector and the information they claimed to hold could prove profitable - too profitable to pass up. So, when Buddy Aurinko tells you you’re going to the Iphis sector, you obey.
To give our Captain some credit, she wasn’t actually forcing us to go to the surface of Iphis - after all half of the crew would have found themselves at significant risk to even think to step foot outside of the space-port.
Juno’s form of gender ‘didn’t exist’ on Iphis (something he very vocally complained about at the family meeting).
Vespa and I would be arrested at best, lynched by an angry mob at worst.
“I wouldn’t ask you to take one step into the capital of Iphis, my dears,” Buddy spoke in her usual drawl where they were sat around the family meeting table, “However we need to investigate this. The best compromise is to meet on Iphis’ moon, Ianthe. It isn’t quite so strict but I’m afraid it is still rather…conservative. We can’t risk anyone accompanying me that can’t ‘blend in’ so to speak. Ransom, I want you beside me while I talk to my contact. Telethusa is even more of a bastard than most people in our profession, and I would like your insight. More than that I need your quick blades if things go sideways. You can refuse, it would not be frowned upon.” Vespa refused to set foot on any civilisation in the whole Iphis sector, she had made that clear. I was being offered a choice.
“Of course I will accompany you, Captain.” I smiled. The expression was more than a little fake.
Perhaps if I was being completely honest with myself - a rarity - I was uncomfortable while preparing to accompany the captain. Not that she had to know that..
To act effectively as a lookout and as protection for Buddy, I would be best to be quiet, ominous perhaps. A threat, yes, but easily ignored, so I could best evaluate how the meeting was playing out. A similar role to what I asked of Juno Steel a year ago - or rather of Dahlia Rose, had all gone to plan. I wanted him to be there to watch over me. Now I had to protect Buddy Aurinko. My eye twitched slightly in my reflection. A foolish anxious tic.
Staring at myself, I felt oddly unprotected without the knife sharp flicks of eyeliner I have been wearing since starting to steal eyeliner pens as a teen.
I really was unprotected without a corset, which I favour for both looks and the way I have mine specially made of stun proof and stab proof fabrics. It also gave me less hiding spots for my knives.
Without my heels I lost some of my height but thankfully I am still blessed with tall genetics.
And my hair, well, long hair on a man wouldn’t be seen as particularly acceptable. I probably should have cut it, should have accepted it would grow back in time. I had done far more for jobs in the past. But instead I hid it beneath a hood and allowed some strands to fall like a fringe framing my face.
My reflection staring back at me didn't look particularly like Peter Ransom.
Long dark hair hidden beneath a black hood, loose black clothes to hide my form, a rarely worn binder concealed beneath, heavy boots more Juno’s style, the knife belt across my torso more Vespa’s, no make-up at all, revealing the dash of freckles and the faint scar which ran down from my bottom lip - a usually well hidden memento from days outrunning constables on Brahma.
It didn’t look like Peter Nureyev either. Or Rose, or Dauphin, not Morales, Glass, Ransom. It didn’t look right, it didn’t feel- Fold it away.
It was fine, of course.
I decided almost as soon as we walked into the private back room of a restaurant that Buddy’s contact had organised the meet in, that I most definitely did not like this contact one bit.
“Aurinko,” Telethusa greeted with a flat look, “Would it kill you to wear a dress? Really, you ought to flaunt your femininity more, not carry a blaster like that on you.” He gestured to the industrial style blaster holstered at Buddy’s hip. If the comment bothered our infamous captain, she didn’t show it.
“Charming as usual, I shall be sure to take your opinion into consideration when Mercury sees snow.” She grinned with a sharpness I would be wary of if it were aimed at me. Telethusa scowled back.
“And who‘s this? You didn’t mention anyone else.” The old, wizened man turned his eyes to me. If I didn’t have such control of my facial expressions I would have wrinkled my nose in disgust at the way he seemed to appraise me.
“One of my crew, Peter Ransom. He’s here to make sure you don’t try anything. I don’t remember you ever caring much for the phrase ‘honour among thieves’.” Buddy smiled at the man, honey sweet yet threatening.
“Peter… and here I thought the Solar lot had lost their value for the masculine old-world names.” Telathusa snarled slightly, “A shame your face doesn’t fit such a name, a pretty, feminine face... I’d watch yourself around here gir-“
He didn’t get a chance to finish whatever he was about to say when Buddy stepped bodily in front of me. I flinched - whether at her defence of me or at his words I wasn’t sure.
“That is quite enough. I will not have you threatening my people. I’m here to do business with you, but if you’ve no need for my money then we shall be on our way.”
Telethusa begrudgingly backed down, though he still glared in my direction, and agreed to give us what we needed for a price. The agreement was one of creds and one threat delivered to one of Telethusa’s rivals by Buddy Aurinko in exchange for information on new scores and Dark Matter’s plans. Buddy agreed, if unhappily.
Things went mostly to plan, even if Telethusa proved to be a backstabbing bastard and called a hit on us.
The assassin he hired was an amateur.
I am most definitely not an amateur.
One dead assassin later, Buddy repaid Telethusa’s treason with a laser bolt while I cleared his comms drive and took all the data, sending it to Rita to look through - and if I swiped his bank info and funneled it into one of my many hidden accounts for my own use, well, that was my business.
It was a rapid, but welcome, escape from Ianthe and the Iphis sector as a whole. The job was completed and everything should have been fine.
“Hey, hun.” Juno’s old town drawl was a welcome sound as we retired to our room for the night.
“Hello my love.” I smiled, softer than the smiles Peter Ransom wore, as I tucked my head against Juno’s neck and inhaled the welcome scent of his sweet perfume.
“You okay? Y'know, after being down on Ianthe?”
I shook my head slightly, “I am fine, love. Just glad to be away from that forsaken rock. I’d be even happier if you welcomed me back properly.” I ran my sharpened teeth over that sensitive spot beneath Juno’s ear, and took pride in the full body shudder it elicited.
“That so, huh? I guess I could arrange it, if you ask nicely.”
“Oh so that’s the way we’re going is it? You want me to ask nicely?”
I let him press me back down to the bed, let him take the lead. He kissed as sweetly as he always did, ever since that first kiss, Stars, I love him . I let him undress me, undo the buckles of the knife belt and lay it on the nightstand as a later problem, pull off the black unflattering clothes, free my hair from it's tied back prison. It wasn’t until his fingers tugged at the hem of the binder I flinched slightly. I was going to ignore it, downplay it, claim cold fingers or something similar, but Juno got there first.
“Uh, babe, are you sure you’re okay?”
“Fine,” I answered too fast, scrambling for an answer my detective would accept, “I’ve not worn this for such a long time in a while, seems my ribs aren’t used to it, that's all.” I forced what I hoped was a reassuring smile. I must have missed the mark as I saw Juno’s brow furrow.
“What? Nureyev, you should go see Vespa, let her check you over. You coulda hurt a rib or something. Didn’t you say you cracked that rib once when you were a teenager cause of-”
I quieted him with a peck, then took off the offending article of clothing, tossing it over the side of the bed - for future consideration - before burying my hands in my girlfriend’s curly hair, pulling him closer.
“Shush, it isn’t that drastic. Stop mother-henning. Just an ache, it’ll pass.”
He was gentle with me the rest of the night, hands never putting much pressure on me, ghosting on my skin before settling on the sheets, never actually on my body, refusing to go further than making out and a mutual offering of thighs to grind against.
I could have handled that - I enjoyed that, just being close and breathing the same air. I should have been fine with that gentle tenderness for an injury I had fabricated. It still sat sour in my mouth when we curled beneath the covers and Juno quickly dozed off against my chest.
I lasted all of maybe two hours before sneaking out of bed.
I scowled at my reflection in the mirror - reconsidered the risk of frown lines - settled for simply glaring at my reflection instead, and chewed at my lip. I had struggled to sleep and woken far too early and felt just… unsettled.
I jumped slightly at the sound of Juno murmuring in his sleep outside the door to the en-suite bathroom.
Peering out he proved to still be sound asleep - for which I was thankful. Juno already struggled so much with nightmares, to think I had woken him with my restlessness was a crime of the sort I didn’t wish to commit. Still, I could tell I wouldn’t be getting to sleep again tonight, the glowing red numbers of the bedside clock read 03:12, staying here would end up waking Juno.
Silently I crept out and wandered the ship corridors.
Usually I am careful to return to Juno before he wakes. Insomnia isn’t abnormal for either of us, but we do have a history with waking up alone, so we promise to return before the day's beginning.
I had intended to return, of course I had. After staring out the observation windows at the passing stars for the best part of the night, I returned to my room to shower and get dressed. And thus came the sticking point.
I tried to dress in my usual style - I could dress how I liked now. Yet, when I let my hair hang loose, put on a black shirt that hugged my waist and tight pants I knew Juno liked on me and laced up a red corset decorated with roses, I looked into the mirror and felt oddly…ill.
I swallowed against the lump in my throat.
Perhaps a different style of shirt.
I changed into a red silk shirt, a bow at the neck where it tied close to my neck and then billowed at the waist.
I winced at my reflection.
It still wasn’t right, even with the loose flowing fabric there was a slight bump over my chest and-
I really felt ill then.
I’m uncertain how long I stood staring at my reflection before I saw Juno’s reflection join mine in the mirror. I hadn’t heard him enter.
“Babe? I shouted but you didn’t…” He laid his hand on my arm. I flinched violently, worse than I had last night when he had touched my binder.
Shit, “Oh, Juno,” I tried to smile through it, put up a mask, I did it so often the rest of the time, “Sorry, I just-” I paused, searching for something believable to say, “Was trying to find something to wear.”
“Hun, you’ve got loads of clothes to wear,” He gestured vaguely at my overflowing drawers which had no order to them, then to the chair which held likely more clothes stacked on it than were in the drawers, “You look pretty in everything, you’re gorgeous.”
I felt a cold sweat break out on my skin, my face turn stony, before I turned tail and ran for the en suit bathroom.
Throwing up after being complimented by your girlfriend was probably not the correct reaction.
Hunched over the toilet seat, miserable and pale and shivering, it took me a moment to realise my hair was being held back from my face and that Juno was rubbing circles between my shoulder blades.
“Hey, hey, shh, you’re fine. Shit, I knew something was up with you. Shh, just settle, or…whatever. I’m not good at this. We’ll go see Vespa in a minute. Bedside manner won’t be much better but she can fix whatever’s got you sick, yeah?”
I tried to push myself up, the roiling in my gut settled. Juno’s hands guided me gently until I was leaning back against him.
“You shoulda woken me up in the night if you were sick.”
“No,” I rushed to reassure him, “No, I’m not ill, I’m fine Juno. No need for Vespa’s care.”
“Something’s gotta be up. You’re prone to insomnia sure, but you’ve been off. And you were just sick. You look pale as Luna.” He brushed his fingers through my hair, the sensation soothing, “So unless you give me a good reason as to why you were just sick we are going to see Vespa, no arguments.” His tone made that obvious, he wasn’t budging.
I took a long moment of silence. More than once did I open my mouth only to close it without making a sound.
Juno waited patiently.
“I think… I think it was because you called me pretty.” I grimaced. I didn’t want to look at Juno’s expression. Goodness, how must that sound to him? Your partner physically being ill at your love? I had sworn to be a good significant other to Juno when we started this - started properly, seriously, once we were on the Blanche. I promised I was going to be good to him.
“Because I-?”
“It’s ridiculous but Telethusa saw what I am through my efforts and called me feminine and a- called me something I’m not.” My eyes burnt with unshed tears, “And then I just couldn’t sleep for some reason, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it, and then this morning all of my clothes felt too feminine - which of course they are, I’m not an idiot, my clothes are feminine, but I-”
“Shhhh.” Juno shushed me gently, a finger pressing to my lips, “I get it, you don’t need to say anymore, just shush, I’ve got ya.” He sighed heavily, one look to his face showed it wasn’t in exasperation though. Rather, he looked pissed, that truly angry, outraged expression he wore so well. I knew it wasn’t aimed at me, even with all of the doubts my brain had been feeding me. “You gonna be sick again?” I shook my head mutely, I was only just starting to get my childish crying under control and didn’t trust myself to speak without the dam breaking again, “‘Kay. C’mon, I’m gonna carry you to bed, that okay?” I nodded. He swept me up with ease despite the height I had on him and carried me through to my room, taking the time to swipe off the mess on my bed before depositing us both in it and pulling the covers over until we were completely cocooned.
I felt slightly better if I closed my eyes, pressing my face to Juno’s breast, nose surely pressing against the bone painfully but he didn’t mention it.
We lay in silence for what felt like a long time.
“I wish you had told me last night before we-” I followed his line of thought without him finishing it.
“You weren’t taking advantage of me. I hadn’t realised what was wrong yet last night, truly.”
He hummed, sounding unconvinced but didn’t argue it.
“Listen you can stop me whenever you need, but will you let me talk for a minute?” I hummed a vaguely affirmative reply, “That guy was a prick. I’m glad we killed him, and that’s not something you’ll hear me say often. He was a prick in a backwards thinking corner of buttfuck nowhere space-”
I couldn’t stop the laugh that escaped me, “What on Brahma does that mean? Martian has odd phrases.”
“Yeah, well, you speak like you’re out of one of Rita’s streams, so hush. I was trying to say something nice.” He didn’t laugh but I could hear the smile in his tone.
“Oh, please continue then,” The lighter banted seemed to lighten the pressure on my chest in turn and I already felt a bit better.
“Right, I was saying. Iphis sucks and we are never coming back. I don’t care what Buddy says.”
“Dear, she’s our Captain, we had to-”
“Nope. Nuh-uh. Never.” He pulled me impossibly closer to his chest, “You matter way more. And I need you to understand I love you. You’re exactly what you say you are. I don’t give a shit what clothes you wear or anything else you were feeling off about. And I know dysphoria sucks, I really do get it. But remember I love you, yeah? We can talk after about whether you’re comfortable with certain compliments but right now we are gonna watch some mindless streams and eat chocolate and anything else sugary I can find in the kitchen. That sound okay?”
“Yes,” I replied genuinely, “Yes, that sounds fine. But can you stay here for now? Just for a bit? I don’t want you to leave yet.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Nureyev.”