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If your ghost pulls you apart
And it feels like you've lost who you are
My love, there's no need to hide
Just let me love you when your heart is tired
-Gavin James, Tired
There was a time in Wei Wuxian's life when the peacefulness of the forest around him would calm his mind, relieve the ever-present urge to constantly be moving, or talking, or touching. The quietness of the nature around him would settle his heart, would allow him to lie back and relax, to close his eyes and, just be.
That was before.
Before the Wen Sect marched on Lotus Pier, leaving his home broken and him alone to care for his siblings; before the excruciating torment of having his golden core cut out of him, slowly and methodically, to be transferred to the unconscious Jiang Cheng; before he was tortured and thrown into the Burial Mounds, the place's resentful energy so vicious and powerful that even regular people could see it.
These days, relaxing is hard. He always has to keep an eye open, to look over his shoulder. He knows other clans will eventually come after the Tiger Seal, the temptation of its power trumping all fear or resentment of him and his methods. He cannot let his guard down, cannot let them take away the one thing that makes him feel valuable.
He can't even relax at night, scenes of Lotus Pier burning and his time on the Burial Mounds coming back to torment him in his sleep.
Deep in the forest on top of Phoenix Mountain, he can almost let go of his walls. The prey in the area has long been instructed to surrender itself to the Jiang Sect, and other cultivators had ventured to areas where they could find more game. So far away from everyone, the world black and shapeless to his covered eyes, Wei Wuxian can almost pretend that he is alone.
He can feel his mind wandering away, slowly falling to sleep, when he hears the sounds of footsteps on the ground, robes brushing over fallen leaves. He tightens his fingers around Chenqing and turns his head in the direction of the approaching person, senses immediately heightened, but otherwise not too worried. Not a single person in presence at the hunt could overpower him in a one-on-one fight.
Wei Wuxian knows when the person notices him, the sounds of his movements halting. In a couple moments, they will leave. Everyone prefers keeping their distance these days, it seems.
It's better, if he's honest. If they aren't trying to get closer, they will never know that he's broken. As long as everyone else keeps looking from afar—with or without judgement, it doesn't matter—all they'll see is his carefully constructed mask.
He waits until he hears the person moving again, but cocks his head curiously when instead of walking away, they approach him. "Some would find it unwise, sneaking up on me," he says softly, arrogant confidence in his words, a small smile on his lips.
He receives no response.
Wei Wuxian doesn't know why he doesn't move when he feels the other person getting closer. He is tempted to remove his blindfold, the hand that's not holding Chenqing fidgeting at his side. By the time he realizes that he definitely needs to remove the ribbon from around his eyes, he can already feel warm breaths on his face, a hand caressing his cheek so lightly it almost tickles, and he can't bring his hands to listen to his brain.
The first press of lips against his is soft. Not hesitant, really, but gentle, a simple peck that is gone almost as soon as it comes.
He can still feel breaths on his face, but they are faster now, heavier. He should say something, anything. He should take the damn blindfold off his eyes.
Instead, he reaches up his free hand, finding a warm neck under long, soft hairs and pulls, bringing their mouths back together.
Wei Wuxian has never kissed anyone. He flirts, acting shameless, but he's never touched another person in a non-platonic way before this moment. It's wet, is the first thing he thinks about. Wet and hot, and at first, not all that pleasant. Then the other person kisses back, a hand coming up to cup Wei Wuxian's cheek, and it gets much, much better.
For the first time since the fall of Lotus Pier, Wei Wuxian's senses—while still on high alert—don't scream danger.
Instead, they whisper good and soft and nice. The kiss is still wet, and it's still warm, but it's also making him see stars behind his closed eyelids, the warmth no longer focused on his lips but spreading through his body.
He can't seem to think straight, but somewhere within the storming thoughts there is the knowledge that he should definitely remove his blindfold, that he should at least know who it is that he is kissing. He can hear the faint voice of Jiang Cheng raging that he shouldn't be kissing anyone, even if he knows who they are. 'You are a head disciple, Wei Wuxian, you are expected to have face.' Nevermind that Wei Wuxian has never been one for decorum and propriety.
It's when he starts raising his hand—the one that's still, somehow, holding Chenqing even though his limbs feel weak—to pull on the ribbon and a hand wraps around his wrist to stop him that he realizes that this isn't a woman who is kissing him. The hands, the one on his cheek and the one around his wrist, are too big, too rough, to not be a man's hands.
Wei Wuxian is not sure why this realization takes his breath away, making him feel hot all over, but he lets out a small whimper which seems to encourage his kisser to swipe his tongue over Wei Wuxian's lips, to lick his way right into Wei Wuxian's mouth.
For a while, Wei Wuxian can't really tell how long it is, he forgets about his blindfold again. He lets himself drown in the feeling of kissing this man, of pulling on his hair, of the smell of sandalwood that seems to be all over him.
It's familiar, he thinks. He can't remember where he'd smelled it before, but it makes him feel more relaxed.
And then he feels the ribbon. His hand is still tangled in the man's hair, switching between pulling and caressing, and suddenly there's a thin string in his hand, and the man freezes.
They are not kissing anymore, but their lips are still close enough to touch. Wei Wuxian's mind is racing, refusing to say the name that immediately comes to mind. Refusing, because it doesn't make sense; because Lan Zhan doesn't even like him as a friend, so there's no way he'd be here, kissing Wei Wuxian in the middle of a night hunt.
The grip around his wrist loosens, as if losing its drive to keep it in place, and Wei Wuxian finally tugs on the loose ends of his blindfold and pulls it away. His eyes need a moment to adjust to the light again, the hours spent surrounded by darkness making the sudden light painful.
Then his eyes focus on the face in front of him, still so close that Wei Wuxian would only need to lean up a bit to attach their lips again.
"Lan Zhan," he mumbles. There are a lot of things he can say, but he settles on, "Lan Zhan, why did you do this?"
Wei Wuxian is not exactly expecting a straight answer. Lan Zhan has never been good at replying to his various questions. Or maybe he's never found it necessary to answer him.
He is also not expecting Lan Zhan to suddenly drop his wrist as if he got burned and take five whole steps away from him. His expression is more open than Wei Wuxian has ever seen it before, and it would be endearing if Lan Zhan hadn't looked quite so frightened.
"Lan Zhan –" Wei Wuxian says again, a hand reaching up as if trying to get a hold of Lan Zhan across the distance between them.
He doesn't get to say anything else (he doesn't think he'd know what to say if he did get a chance to say more).
Lan Zhan draws Bichen and a moment later he is flying away.
Wei Wuxian doesn't follow. He can't.
*
Wei Wuxian used to love being in Lotus Pier. The constant admonishing from Madam Yu was never nice, but Lotus Pier was his home. His family loved him and the rest of the disciples respected him.
These days, Lotus Pier feels suffocating. Wei Wuxian is expected to help rebuilding his sect. He is supposed to train the new disciples and lead them on small night hunts to start regaining the wealth that had been lost when the Wen looted the place. He is supposed to do these things so that Jiang Cheng can focus on the administrative aspects of leading a sect.
He can't do it. Night hunting wouldn't be a problem, but there's no way Wei Wuxian can instruct new disciples without revealing his missing golden core. He can't lead sword practice when he can barely hold his sword.
So he finds excuses to be anywhere but in Lotus Pier, and he keeps quiet as Jiang Cheng's expression gradually changes from slightly irritated to deeply disappointed as the weeks go by, and he avoids Jiang Yanli's increasingly worried looks and concerned questions.
And he thinks about Lan Zhan.
For days after the Phoenix Mountain night hunt, he imagines he can still feel Lan Zhan's lips on his. The memory of their kiss makes him feel warm inside, in a way that he hasn't felt since giving up on his golden core. Wei Wuxian isn't sure what he is feeling about Lan Zhan, but he is damn sure he wants to feel that warmth again.
But by the time Wei Wuxian had made it out of the forest on Phoenix Mountain, Lan Zhan had already been gone. 'He has some urgent matters to see to in the Cloud Recesses,' Lan Xichen had told him when Wei Wuxian asked. He didn't elaborate, and Wei Wuxian didn't ask, but something in Lan Xichen's expression told him that he had not been clueless about what happened between Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan.
For the first few weeks after leaving Lanling, Wei Wuxian entertains the idea of visiting Gusu. He could spend some time away from the reproaching eyes of Jiang Cheng. Alone on the road, he would be free from having to pretend to be someone who he hasn't been for a long time now.
But he can't. The journey to Gusu would take too long on foot, or even on a horse, and Wei Wuxian would never be able to justify not riding Suibian. And even if Jiang Cheng agreed to let him leave for so long, Wei Wuxian would reach Gusu and… what? What would he tell Lan Zhan? Without being properly invited into the Cloud Recesses, he doubts he'd even be able to see him.
So instead of planning a useless journey, Wei Wuxian writes a letter.
He tries, anyway. He writes Lan Zhan's name and a casual "how have you been?", and then he spends hours staring at the blank paper next to it, not really knowing what he even wants to say. He stares at the paper long enough for the sun to set behind the hills, for his room to drown in darkness so deep he can barely even see the words he's already written. He could light a fire talisman or just the half-burnt candle on his writing table, but that would be a waste of materials when he can't even bring himself to write anything.
It takes him a fortnight to compose a letter he is pleased with, and then he folds it and places it in a red envelope, and leaves it on his table. He will send it tomorrow, he promises himself every day.
He never does. At some point, he takes it off the table and tucks it into his robe, away from possible prying eyes.
It stays there.
*
A few months after Phoenix Mountain, Wei Wuxian spots familiar white robes and stone cold face walking down the main street of Yunmeng. Sending him flowers is not as flirting and teasing as it is a way to make sure that Lan Zhan notices him, that he will not be ignored like so many times before.
His heart is racing when Lan Zhan takes a seat in front of him. He tries to hide this fact behind his regular arrogant, confident smile. He doesn't think he's quite managing it.
"Wei Ying. I apologize," is the first thing Laz Zhan says, and Wei Wuxian feels his heart drop. The warmth inside him that started spreading as soon as he laid eyes on Lan Zhan, the one that resembles the warmth of a golden core, turns as cold as ice.
Wei Wuxian still doesn't know what exactly he is feeling, but he does not regret their kiss. Lan Zhan, apparently, does.
In an attempt to seem nonchalant about the whole thing, he asks, "Apologize for what?"
He doesn't miss the way Lan Zhan's fingertips turn white, clenching around Bichen. "My actions were wrong. I should not have approached you while you were blindfolded."
Wei Wuxian twirls Chenqing in his hand. "Approached? You did more than that, Lan Zhan."
Lan Zhan lowers his gaze, no longer meeting Wei Wuxian's eyes. It's a shame, he thinks. Lan Zhan has beautiful eyes. "I apologize," he says again.
Wei Wuxian nods. His throat is dry. He tries not to make it obvious when he says "I see," though it doesn't quite work.
He thinks about the letter he had written to Lan Zhan and never sent, the letter which he is still carrying around in his robe. He thinks about the things he wrote there, that he wishes to see Lan Zhan again, that he liked the kiss but he liked that it was Lan Zhan kissing him even more.
His hand absentmindedly touches his chest, where his letter sits under the fabric.
Lan Zhan still doesn't meet his eyes.
"Lan Zhan," he breaks the silence that stretches over them. When Lan Zhan looks up again, Wei Wuxian braves himself. He's always been accused of being shameless, what's a little more to it? "Lan Zhan, are you regretting kissing me, or are you regretting doing it when I was blindfolded?"
Lan Zhan's mouth opens, like he wants to speak, but no words come out. It seems like for the first time since meeting each other, Lan Zhan doesn't say anything because he doesn't have the words, and not because he is choosing to ignore Wei Wuxian's nonsense.
Wei Wuxian reaches into his robe. His hand rests over the letter for a moment, and then he takes a deep breath and pulls it out, laying it on the table between the two of them. "I've been meaning to send this to you," he says before getting up from his cushion. "It was nice seeing you again, Lan Zhan."
He doesn't think he can stand Lan Zhan's rejection, his regret. It would be better to leave now, before their discussion has the chance to deteriorate into an argument like it always does.
He is walking down the street back to Lotus Pier when Lan Zhan catches up to him, grabbing his arm. "Wei Ying," he says.
Nothing else, just his name. Lan Zhan's eyes are searching, determined. Wei Wuxian doesn't know what Lan Zhan is looking for, but whatever it is, he must find it, because a moment later he closes the distance between them and kisses Wei Wuxian. Again. He kisses Wei Wuxian again.
And Wei Wuxian melts into him, wrapping his arms around Lan Zhan's neck and returning his kiss with more passion than he knew he had in him.
It feels good, Lan Zhan's lips on his, his hands on Wei Wuxian's waist.
It's easy to forget that they are standing in the middle of a busy street, that people are staring, until Jiang Cheng's voice cuts through the haze in his mind. "Wei Wuxian! What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Wei Wuxian and Lan Zhan separate, but keep close. Lan Zhan's finger keeps touching Wei Wuxian's hip. Jiang Cheng approaches, face red and eyes… not as angry as his tone would suggest. "In the middle of the street, have you no face? Couldn't even find a private place? You are head disciple, don't you have any respect for that? You can't go kissing people like that! At least ask for an official courting –" he keeps spitting rhetorical questions and reprimands, but Wei Wuxian can't miss the fact that Jiang Cheng isn't angry about the kissing or the partner, but rather about the location.
He smiles and walks over, wrapping his arms around his brother. Jiang Cheng is so shocked that the stream of words dies on his lips. "Thank you," Wei Wuxian says, quietly, for their ears only.
Thank you for not discouraging the one thing that has made me happy in a very long time, he doesn't say.
Jiang Cheng hugs back, just for a moment before pushing Wei Wuxian away. He is scowling, but Wei Wuxian can see the affection underneath it. He doesn't need Jiang Cheng to say anything to know that his brother is happy for him.
"Get a room," Jiang Cheng mutters before turning around and marchig right back toward Lotus Pier.
Lan Zhan's hand wraps around Wei Wuxian's wrist. He looks over to meet his eyes. "I really liked that, Lan Zhan," Wei Wuxian says.
Lan Zhan smiles. It's a beautiful look on him, one that Wei Wuxian hopes he can see over and over again in the future.
"Come to Lotus Pier with me?" he suggests.
Lan Zhan nods, intertwining their fingers, and lets Wei Wuxian lead him forward.