Archive of Our Own

"Come on, come on, one more." Buck elbows Eddie's bicep playfully, lying next to his boyfriend in their bed.

It's almost midnight and the lights are off, almost pitch black if it wasn't for the street lights, Chris is fast asleep in his room and they are getting ready to call it a day and get some sleep as well.

Well, it's more like they are trying , because currently Buck is resting his head against his fluffed pillow and has his phone in his hand, brightness on lowest, doing his best to annoy the shit out of his boyfriend by reading stupid jokes out loud and not letting him close his eyes while Eddie is lying on his back and listening to him, his eyes rolling so hard each time Buck cracks a joke.

Buck is having the time of his life.

Eddie rolls his eyes again. "No."

"Come on, Eds." Buck slides down in bed and turns on his side, facing Eddie, propping himself up on his elbow. Buck stares at the other man, giving his shiny puppy eyes that he knows for a fact Eddie is a sucker for.

Eddie stares at him back and raises his brows in protest, his quiet voice almost whiney. "They aren't funny."

"They are ." Buck almost pouts, and elbows Eddie once again. "You love me, come on."

Eddie lets out an exasperated sigh— and Buck smiles in victory, knowing it's a win.

"Fine." Eddie says. "But that's the last one."

"Okay, okay." He clears his throat and takes in a deep breath as he looks at his screen. "This one's good, I promise."

"Buck."

"Will you remember me in 6 minutes?" Buck asks without taking his eyes off of his phone.

Eddie's face falls in a confused frown. "What?"

"Just answer the question."

"I will." Eddie answers, the tone in his voice ridiculously funny and tired.

"Will you remember me in 6 hours?" Buck asks with a quick glance at Eddie.

Eddie utters out another sigh. "Yes."

Oh, Buck is enjoying this so much.

"Okay." Buck nods. "Will you remember me in 6 hours?"

"Yes?" Eddie raises his brow in question and lifts his head a little. "Do I have to say no?"

"No, no, just keep going." Buck shakes his head and rests his hand on Eddie's arm. "Will you remember me in 6 weeks?"

" Yes. "

"Will you remember me in 6 months?"

"Ye—" Eddie straightens himself up a little and rests his back against his pillow. "Where is this going?"

"Will you remember me in 6 years?" Buck tilts his head.

"Yes, Buck, I will remember you in 6 years." Eddie matches his tone, and stares at Buck.

"Good." Buck's lips curve in a soft smile and he scoots closer to Eddie. "Knock knock."

"Who's th—" Eddie's mouth falls open as he visibly realizes the trap he just got pulled in. " Oh , fuck off—"

"You said you'd remember!" Buck lightly taps Eddie's chest with a fake scowl but it shifts in a delightful grin, his eyes locked with Eddie's.

The shocked look on Eddie's face slowly disappears as Buck stares at him, and he closes his eyes with a headshake, finally letting out a snort. He presses his pointed finger to Buck's chest. "You're a little shit."

Buck's baby blues shine with joy as he keeps looking at his boyfriend in adoration, knowing— feeling the immense love seeping through Eddie despite the pretend annoyed look on his face, it warms his heart even.

The thing is, it's not even something big, but it means so much to Buck, to be able to let loose without fearing what others' may think of him, to be able to just, be himself without calculating his actions and putting on a persona so others love him. Because he doesn't need to do that, not with Eddie. Eddie loves him for who he is, he sees him, always, and Buck is forever grateful. He can't think of a life without Eddie in it.

He must have stared for a little too long, because Eddie grabs his arm and pulls him into his chest, wrapping his arm around Buck's back and sliding down the bed.

Buck goes down with Eddie and rests his head against the other man's shoulder, the tip of his nose touching the crook of Eddie's neck. He drapes his arm over Eddie's chest, fingers playing with his chest hair as Eddie's fingers scrape his bicep up and down.

"Can we go to sleep now?" Eddie whispers, tilting his head so his cheek rests on top of Buck's curls.

Buck gives Eddie a nod and nuzzles deeper, soaking the warmth of his boyfriend. "Yep."

But then all of a sudden, the street lights go out and leave everything in total pitch black.

Buck's expression drops in confusion. "Did the electricity go off?" He asks without lifting his head but keeping his eyes open, wandering them around the room.

"I guess." Eddie answers, then reaches for his phone to check the time. "It'll come back on soon." He puts his phone on the nightstand and turns on his side, Buck in his arms. "We should get some sleep."

Buck lets out a deep breath and closes his eyes, and folds his arm around Eddie, hand loosely resting next to his boyfriend's back. "Night."

"Night, babe."

The stubborn sound of his alarm is what makes Buck crack his eyes open, but it's coming from somewhere very close, the vibrations buzzing his skin along with it, he only realizes his phone is trapped between himself and the mattress when he props himself up on his elbow and knits his brows in annoyance, mind still fuzzy with sleep.

He turns it off before it gets a chance to wake Eddie up— Buck has the morning shift to fill in the short staff just for today and Eddie has the night shift with the rest of the 118, but it's a little too late because Eddie's eyes slowly lift open anyway.

"Go back to sleep." Buck whispers and plants a kiss on Eddie's forehead.

Eddie blinks a few times and drapes his arm over his head, eyes slowly gaining focus as he stares at Buck, his voice rough when he speaks."Too late."

Buck's lips twist up in an apologetic, sheepish smile. "I'm sorry." He drops his head and kisses Eddie on the shoulder, smooth skin still warm against his lips. "Morning."

"Good morning." Eddie smiles back with a sigh, stretching his limbs and curling on Buck's side of the bed.

Buck stares at his phone to check the time, maybe he has enough time to be lazy, but nope, not only he has to get up, but also he realizes his phone's battery is not full.

"Damn it." Buck mumbles, eyes still on the screen. "I forgot to charge my phone."

Eddie reaches for the nightstand to switch the lights on and off, but nothing happens. "And the power is still out."

Buck lets out a long sigh and runs a hand down his face. He'll take his charger with him and plug it in at the station. He has to get ready anyway.

He pushes himself off the bed and takes a quick shower as Chris gets ready for school, have their breakfast— Eddie joins them as well, and finally leave the house with Eddie seeing them off, Buck's lips brushing against his before he goes.

Turns out the whole city is affected by the power outage— the station included; they say there's an overall problem with the supplies and electrical lines and are trying their best to work on it. The power occasionally comes back on for short periods of time as the electricians work on the issue, but it gets cut off pretty soon afterwards, like a swing swaying back and forth, and somehow it makes things even worse.

Throughout the day, Buck's shift gets dispatched to various calls, whether it's a minor injury or a big one.

He texts with Eddie as much as his battery allows— he manages to borrow a portable charging device from one of his coworkers and charge his phone to a fair amount, but by the time his shift ends, his battery gets close to dying.

Well, it's not the only one because by the time his shift ends, Buck feels wasted .

Every fiber in his body shakes with exhaustion, his bones ache with soreness and scream at him to rest, his muscles burn and stretch, and Buck is craving to go home, crawl in bed and sleep for ten years.

As he packs his stuff, his phone chimes with a text, and Eddie's name appears on his screen. They briefly talked on the phone today but still it never feels enough.

Shift over?

Buck's lips curve in a smile at the text, his heart skipping two beats at Eddie's name like it always does, and he replies within seconds.

Yep. Leaving now. Hbu?

His eye catches the symbol on the edge letting him know that his phone is close to shutting down, so Buck sends another text to Eddie just in case so he doesn't get worried.

Also my battery is low 😣

Another chime vibrates his phone, followed by another.

I'm leaving in 10.

👍🏼 Text me when you get home.

Ok 🫡😚

With that, Buck leaves the station and hops in his jeep, driving to go home.

As expected, the roads are hectic with many cars honking each other and trying to find a way, cars around intersections almost in a race to pass each other and just move ; the traffic lights don't work properly, either, they light up and go out like christmas lights; sitting in his car and watching the road with four eyes open, all Buck wants to do is to go home safe and sound.

Everything goes smoothly for a while, the roads flow better than he was expecting, the lights seem to work fine and for a second Buck thinks he's gonna make it home in time.

But like a flip of a switch, it all goes down.

It all goes down fast.

The lights go out abruptly and the streets get plunged into darkness.

"Great." Buck murmurs before he lets out an annoyed sigh and runs a hand down his face.

He's sick of this already.

Loud honks fill the air again, cars start to rush in and corner others, creating chaos between short lanes.

But then the traffic lights come back on and turn green.

All of them at the same time.

But no one notices that.

Buck steps on the gas and speeds up but a raucous horn gets his attention.

He twists his head to see a car pulling out in front of him fast and he tries to swerve the wheel in the opposite direction, but it's too late.

He loses his grip and it's like the roads are made of ice and the tires feel like they are slipping , his jeep is moving too fast and there are screeching sounds coming from somewhere but it's not working because the cars don't stop, they are clashing each other and his jeep shakes as if there is an earthquake but there isn't, it's the force of another vehicle crashing into his and before Buck can realize what's going on his jeep slides out of its lane and hits another car head first.

His body shakes in its place and his limbs flail around like he's being pressed from all sides, the airbags inflate but his head jerks back and the side of his head crashes against the window, causing his brain to jolt and convulse, threatening to burst out of its skull.

The last thing Buck senses before he loses himself to unconsciousness is the scent of smoke drilling his nostrils and the heavy feeling of doom collapsing on him.

His head feels heavy, his eyes weigh a ton.

There is a strong scent bringing Buck to wakefulness, a mixture of gasoline and smoke, it hurts his throbbing head even more and causes his stomach to turn, he wants to throw up but swallows down the bile rising up his throat.

When Buck slowly cracks his eyes open with a painful groan escaping his lips, everything strikes him all at once and the beat of his heart only gets faster and faster, terror drowning him and squeezing his chest.

He's in a car accident.

He crashed into someone else's car.

He has to get out.

A tight strap applies pressure onto his torso— his seatbelt, Buck brings his hand to unfasten it but his hand is shaking and it takes too much from him to press down. He chokes out another whimper and blinks his eyes a few times to focus and tries again.

With a soft click, the belt loosens up and releases its hold on him, and as Buck lifts his head from the cracked glass window, he feels a wetness trickling down his temple, warm and sticky.

Oh, he's hurt, too.

He has to call 911.

Buck blindly reaches for his phone that he has no idea where, something solid tangles his fingers and he grasps it tightly as he lifts it to his eye level. He taps on his screen but it doesn't open, he pushes the buttons but nothing work—

Oh, that's right.

His phone's battery died down.

Okay. Okay, he really needs to get out and get some help.

His bones scream at him as Buck straightens himself up on his seat, muscles strain and tear with every tiny movement, his brain feels like it's unsteady in his skull, it's too hard for him to keep his focus but he has to , he has to. Not only for himself but for the person he crashed into.

Digging his teeth to his lower lip and clenching his jaw, Buck silences his loud yelp as he pushes the door open and presses his foot on the ground one by one, another wave of nausea twists his stomach and his eyes flutter as he stands up, swaying on his feet; Buck closes his eyes shut and forces them open again, his chest rises up and down with each ragged breath so Buck tries to take in a deep breath to calm himself down. He can't silence his whimper this time, even breathing hurts, but in the end, fresh air fills his lungs and jolts his senses.

There are people screaming all around, crying and shouting with panic, his ears ring and a thin static pumps his eardrums.

The car he clashed with looks hacked, he can't see the license plate from ahead and the front looks dent, there is smoke coming out and the wind shield is completely shattered, it prevents Buck from seeing if the person inside is okay.

He takes short steps towards the car but a hand on his chest stops him.

"You okay?" Someone asks.

Buck gives him a quick nod and brushes the hand away, eyes still on the ruined car and his voice hoarse. "Call 911."

Buck's heart beats in his throat as he gets closer to the driver's side but still can't see anything clearly, his vision still isn't the best and inside of the vehicle is dark, he sees only a figure— a young man with his head tilted far back, face covered with blood.

He pulls the door open and leans forward to reach his hand to check for a pulse, but when he sees the man's face, everything stops.

It can't be.

The man is Eddie.

The man he clashed into is Eddie.

"No."

He can't breathe.

His heart is too heavy in his chest.

No, no, no, it's not happening, it's not happening.

"Eddie." He can't hear his own voice from the blood rushing through his ears. It comes out as a broken whisper, anyway, a useless sound.

He hit his boyfriend.

He hit the love of his life.

He's the reason for the blood on Eddie's face, he did that, he's the reason his boyfriend is bleeding out and trapped in a ruined car.

"Eddie." The name tears his lips like a mantra, over and over again.

No, no, no, how can he be so fucking blind, how can he be so reckless and stupid?

Eddie's shirt is soaked— darkened with blood, his chest is barely moving and his eyes are closed like he's sleeping but he isn't sleeping, he's dying and it's because of Buck.

Buck's fingers press the side of his boyfriend's neck, a weak pulse is underneath his fingers, his other hand slides down Eddie's torso and gets painted with red, warming his fingers and trickling down the back of his hand. He presses hard to stop the bleeding and lightly taps Eddie's cheek to wake him up.

"Eddie, Eds, wake up." His voice comes out ruined , trembling and scared, he is scared, he is so scared. "Wake up, come on."

Eddie doesn't stir, he doesn't move.

Buck's eyes burn as tears dwell and blur his vision, he snaps his head to the side and shouts with everything he has, the veins in his throat popping.

His head hurts and his heart clenches, he doesn't feel anything other than pain and sorrow but he can't give a shit, not when his everything is bleeding out right before his eyes because of him, and he has to get help, he has to. "Someone call 911!"

He isn't sure if anyone has heard him, he prays someone did because those strangers are all he has as he stands next to Eddie and presses on his wound to stop the bleeding.

"Baby, wake up, please." Buck's hoarse voice cracks as he begs and begs.

Buck doesn't know how long it has been, maybe ten minutes, maybe an hour, maybe a lifetime; he has everything blocked out other than the dying man in front of him, his ears don't hear anything other than the blood kicking his eardrums, his skin doesn't feel anything other than the warm wetness dripping from his hand, his lungs don't fill with air, they only fill with smoke, and his heart only clenches more and more with each passing second, one step closer to giving up.

Eddie is still lifeless under his hands, his broken form is still limp and weak, his eyes are still closed and his face is lax— he looks disturbingly peaceful and Buck wants to scream.

A hand on his shoulder pulls him from his nightmare, a familiar voice. "Buck."

Buck twists his head to see Bobby standing next to him, looking at him with wide eyes, Hen and Chim following behind.

His team is here.

His limbs feel weak at the relief but he can't stop the tears escaping his eyes.

"Bobby." His breath hitches in his throat, his eyes fall back on Eddie. "Bobby, you— you have to help me."

But the hand on his shoulder only slides down to his elbow, trying to move him away from Eddie. "Buck, let us do it." Bobby tells him firmly and— fuck that.

Buck shakes his head, not giving in. "No, no, I'll help— I'll do it, Bob—"

"Buck." Someone else.

"He's dying!" His throat scratches as he shouts.

Bobby's grasp gets tighter, fingers wrapped around his arm in a death grip, Buck falters on his feet as Bobby pulls him back. "Hen, take over."

The words make him nauseous.

His vision blacks out a second at the sudden movement and his brain jolts in his skull, Buck chokes out a yelp as his face twists in pain, but he swallows it down quickly.

He pushes Bobby's hand away and furrows his brows. "What are you doing?!"

"You're off duty," Bobby stops him, his voice sharp, he tugs at Buck and walks him towards the back of the engine. " and you're injured. You need to get checked up."

No, no, he doesn't need a check up. What he needs is to save Eddie.

Buck places hands on Bobby's arms and tries to walk past him, desperately protesting. "No, I'm good, I'm fine—"

"Buck, you're—"

"— Cap, I'm fine, I can help!"

Bobby pushes him down by the shoulders and makes him sit down. "You're staying here."

Buck's hands reach for Bobby's forearms, holding onto him, his voice trembling and wet, anguished. His face screws as his tears start to fall. "Bobby, please. "

"You are injured ." Bobby repeats slowly but this time quieter. He brings his hands to rest on the nape of Buck's neck, the serious expression on his face softening. "He's gonna be okay, just let us do it."

Buck can't fight any longer, suddenly he is too tired and weak, he can only watch Bobby rush towards Eddie and help the rest of the crew as they carefully put a c-collar around Eddie's neck and get him out of his car to place him on a backboard.

A light flashes his eye, bright enough to blind him, it hurts and Buck closes his eyes as he utters out a groan and brushes the paramedic's hand off of his face. This time, the hand aims for the wound on his temple, but Buck dodges that as well by flinching back. "Stop."

"Stay still, Buckley."

Before Buck can answer, the rest of the 118 roll Eddie towards the ambulance, Buck springs to his feet and rushes next to them, hopping inside the ambulance.

Until they reach the hospital, Buck locks his fingers with Eddie's cold ones and combs his boyfriend's blood matted hair back with his other hand, his eyes stay fixed on Eddie's slack face and watches the way the oxygen mask gets misty with each weak breath Eddie takes.

Eddie's eyes crack open briefly as Hen presses on his wound, his glassy hazels stare blank at the space before his eyes, his weak form writhes and his brows wrinkle as he utters out a pained sound that sits on Buck's chest and strangles him.

Eddie's eyelids droop again before he can focus on Buck.

In a matter of seconds, they stop the ambulance outside of the hospital and kick the doors open, the nurses rush towards them and roll Eddie inside the operating room.

Only then the adrenaline coursing through his blood crashes, and everything dawns on Buck like a lightning bolt, crush his bones and rip him to pieces.

He is the reason for all of this.

It's his fault Eddie is fighting for his life.

His legs feel stuck on the pavement, he can't bring himself to take a step forward and get inside, it's like he's paralyzed.

He stands still and stares at the closed glass doors, but doesn't— can't go in.

"Come on, let's get inside." A hand on his shoulder tries to get his attention.

Bile rises up his throat and burns his mouth as his voice comes out in a raspy whisper. "It's my fault."

The person before him— Bobby, frowns. "What?"

Why is it hard to understand? It's his fucking fault.

"It's my fault. I did it." Buck repeats, shivers slowly racking his injured form. Tears start to burn behind his eyes, his whole face feels on fire, the rise and fall of his chest gets shallow and fast.

How could he be so stupid? How could he ruin the only good thing in his life with his own hands?

How is he going to live after that?

What if Eddie dies? What's gonna happen then?

Bobby wraps his fingers around both his biceps and squeezes, tilting his head to see Buck's face.

He looks worried.

"Buck, this wasn't your fault." Bobby's voice is annoyingly calm, fatherly even. "It was a crash and you are hurt, too."

Tears run down his face as he shakes his head in refusal, face screwing in anguish. He grasps Bobby's jacket and holds onto him, his breath catching his throat. "No, you— you don't get it! I hit him, I hit him!"

He hit Eddie, he hit the one person he is breathing for. His heart feels too heavy, he can't breathe.

" No ." Bobby stops him. "That's not what happened. You two were in an accident."

A loud cry escapes Buck, his grip on Bobby getting tighter as if Bobby is his lifeline. He looks at his captain with his pleading, broken eyes, his voice trembling just like his body. "What— what am I gonna tell Chris?"

I fucked up and killed your dad, and now you're stuck with me . That's what he's going to say.

"Buck, listen to me." Bobby's hand cups his face, his palm dry against Buck's wet skin. "Eddie is going to be fin—"

Buck's choked sob suppresses Bobby's words, he drops his head and his shoulders shake as he lets go, words barely audible between his hiccups. "It's my fault, I did it, it's my fault!"

"It's not your fault!" Bobby exclaims and his hands pull Buck into his chest, arms wrap themselves around Buck and hold him, one hand solid on his back and the other resting on the back of the younger man's head, Buck's arms trapped between their chests, still clinging onto Bobby.

"I hurt him." Buck's cries get muffled by Bobby's shirt. "It's my fault."

Bobby runs his hand up and down over his back, the movement only causes Buck to cry more, causing something inside to come undone.

"Shh, calm down." Bobby lowers the tone of his voice, close to Buck's ear. "Calm down, it's not your fault."

"I hurt him." Buck repeats over and over again. "I hurt him."

His head hurts, his whole body hurts, and crying makes it worse tenfold, his eyes burn and sting, his brain vibrates and it kicks his skull to burst out, his ribs poke his lungs and his muscles strain and fuck, he hurt Eddie, it was his fault.

Everything feels too much for his broken form, Buck can't take it any longer; slowly, black spots form around his vision and his stomach clenches, his heart weighs a ton, all the strength he has left in his bones vanishes and leaves him weak, unable to hold himself up.

Buck's eyes flutter close and his grip on Bobby slackens, he feels the world slipping as darkness takes over but he doesn't feel himself dropping on the floor despite the weakness surrounding his legs; instead, he feels strong arms around him tightening their hold, not letting him break apart, so he surrenders, trusting those arms that keep him together.

He's lying on something soft, he can feel that, and yet still his body hurts, especially his head. Bright lights and white ceiling appear in his line of vision as his eyes slit open, a quiet groan behind his closed lips, and everything comes back with full force.

He's in the hospital.

He was in an accident.

Eddie is in surgery.

Oh, why is he even lying here, he has to get up and wait for Eddie.

He slowly props himself up on his elbows but as he tries to get up, a hand pushes his chest back on the mattress and makes him lie down.

"Don't even think about it."

Maddie?

Buck tilts his head to see his sister staring at him, her eyes red and puffy, her shoulders hunched down and face tired.

When did she even get here?

The last thing he remembers is him collapsing into Bobby's arms, how much time has passed since then?

He has a lot of questions, but none of them matter to him right now other than the ones about Eddie.

Which he is determined to find out and see on his own, with his own eyes.

Buck shakes his head— which was a big mistake because he feels his brain moving around, and lets out a shaky breath. "Eddie."

"Still in surgery." Maddie says. "And you have a concussion."

Whatever.

"I don't care." Buck protests, his voice weak and still not at its best. "I need to be there."

He lowers his head and sees the tape on the back of his hand, and slowly takes it off.

"Evan, stop." Maddie puts her hand on Buck's.

Buck wraps his fingers around Maddie's hand— warm in contrast to his cold one, and removes it, then takes out the cannula in his vein, a choked whimper escaping his lips, his brows furrowed in discomfort.

Maddie's hands are all over him again, trying their best to stop him from moving as her thin voice sadly scratches Buck's ears, but his stubbornnes takes her down and in the end he manages to get on his feet.

His head spins and his eyes hurt, stomach clenching and twisting and bile burning his throat; Buck closes his eyes and sways on his feet, but Maddie wraps her arm around his waist and holds him steady, Buck grasping Maddie's shoulder for support.

"You really need to lie down." Maddie says, this time softer and worried as always.

Buck lets out a deep breath through his nose and slowly opens his eyes, somewhat back to feeling less bad, at least physically. "I'm okay. Take me to him."

"Buck—"

"Please, Maddie." A shaky whisper.

Maddie stares at him, and Buck stares back, eyes shining with fresh tears.

He just wants to wait for his boyfriend, it shouldn't be too much to ask.

But finally, Maddie lets out a defeated sigh and runs her gaze. "Fine."

Hen, Chim and Bobby are all right outside the operating room, each of them sitting on one of the chairs, waiting to hear something on Eddie when Maddie supports Buck towards their direction.

There are lots of protests coming Buck's way, asking— urging him to go back and get some rest, but they all pass over Buck's head, Maddie knows that very well, it's her own brother after all.

Maddie sits on a plastic chair and taps on the seat next to her, kind but tired eyes looking at his brother so he can follow her, and Buck does, he slowly sits down with a soft sigh, and leans his back against the wall.

He still has his dirty clothes on, shirt stained with smoke and Eddie's blood, the bandage on his temple does nothing to cover his wound and somehow manages to make it look even worse than it is, his eyes are bloodshot and glassy, and his birthmark is bright against his ghost pale skin; Buck just looks worn down and so broken , seeing him like this shatters Maddie's heart into pieces.

It shouldn't be like this, Buck doesn't deserve any of this, he deserves happiness, not this hell he's visibly stuck in. 

And yet, she can do nothing to stop it.

She glances at Buck and sees his little brother staring at the space before him with a fragile expression dripping from his face, shallow huff of breaths leaving his parted lips; he doesn't look like he's exactly here in this moment but somewhere else, somewhere Maddie doesn't like, so she locks her fingers with Buck's and brings their hands to rest on her thigh, her thumb caressing the cold skin back and forth.

Buck gives her a hand a squeeze that's barely there and Maddie feels the weight on her side getting heavier as Buck leans on her and rests his head on her shoulder, looking impossibly small for a big guy like him, his curls tickling the crook of her neck.

"I fucked up, Mads." Buck whispers so quietly that Maddie almost misses it.

Maddie lets out a sigh and twists her head to plant a tiny kiss on Buck's hair. "It wasn't your fault." She whispers back into his hair.

Buck stays quiet, but Maddie can hear the sniffles coming from his side, she doesn't say anything, she rests her head on top of Buck and stokes Buck's hand as Buck silently cries until he loses the fight against his body and his breaths even out, the rise and fall of his chest slowing down.

"How is he?" Chimney asks her in a low voice, looking at Buck's restless form, then at Maddie.

Maddie shrugs. "I don't know." She can't bring herself to move in fear of waking his brother up, but from what she can see, Buck has wrinkles on his forehead and his eyebrows are gathered even in his sleep. She isn't happy about it. "Any news on Eddie?"

Chimney opens his mouth to answer but before he can, the door slides and a man in scrubs comes out.

Eddie is going to be okay.

He's going to be fine.

The surgery was a success and the doctor said he is expecting a full recovery. It's been a few hours since they've admitted him to his room, but still, Buck hasn't seen him.

He is standing right outside of Eddie's closed door, but he can't bring himself to go in.

"He asked for you." Maddie tells him.

Buck can only nod his head and hide his gaze away from his sister, picking the skin of his thumb with his forefinger, a nervous habit that he does involuntarily.

But Maddie doesn't let go.

She wraps her fingers around his forearm and tilts her head so she their eyes can meet, a warm expression on her face that twists Buck's heart. "Talk to me."

It's like a dam breaking.

For the millionth time.

Buck's breath catches his throat and he drops his head, trying his damndest to not cry; but his voice betrays him. It comes out in a wet, shaky whisper. "I'm scared."

Maddie cups his face. "Of what?"

Buck chokes out a quiet sob, his face screwing. "He's gonna hate me."

Eddie's going to hate him, he's going to look at Buck with such disgust and Buck would rather die, his heart can't take it.

"Oh, Evan . " Maddie's face twists with sympathy and she folds her arms around Buck and pulls him in for a hug, her hand scratching the back of Buck's head as Buck hides his face on her shoulder.

Buck clenches the back of Maddie's shirt tightly, his tears dampen Maddie's skin, his shoulders shake with each cry and he lets out a gut wrenching mewl. "I don't want to lose him."

He thought he lost Eddie when he was bleeding out on the street, he was drowning in his fear and begging god to not let Eddie die.

Eddie didn't die, but Buck is going to lose him anyway.

And if the thought of it alone suffocates him this bad, he doesn't want to know how it will feel when Eddie tells him he doesn't want Buck anymore.

"You won't lose him." Maddie says, pressing a kiss on Buck's temple. "You won't lose him."

"Maddie—"

"You will not lose him." Maddie repeats and holds Buck tighter. "Please go inside."

"I can't." Buck shakes his head.

Maddie pulls away, and places her hands on both sides of Buck's biceps, her eyes flashing with something Buck can't name but somehow finds comfort in. "You will."

His brain is racing with stupid thoughts, stupid, loud, disturbing thoughts, but once Buck steps inside Eddie's room, they all disappear.

Eddie is half sitting on his hospital bed, his soft hair that Buck loves to run his hands through disheveled and his pale face scratched up. His bandages are peeking under his hospital gown, and he looks like death warmed him oved— which is kinda true, but he is alive and breathing, and he is staring at Buck with a soft smile on his lips.

"Hey." Eddie's voice is hoarse from not using it for too long but it tugs at Buck's heartstrings nevertheless.

Buck slowly gets closer and aims for the chair next to Eddie's bed, but Eddie taps on the empty space on his mattress, so Buck sits there, only an inch away from Eddie.

And Buck's eyes start to leak like a broken faucet.

"I'm so sorry." Buck shakes his head and brings his hand to cover his eyes, he has already started fucking it up, but he can't stop. He chokes out a sob and the heaviness he feels on his chest only gets heavier. "I'm so sorry, I swear it was an accident, I'm so—"

"Look at me." Eddie reaches for his hand to wrap his fingers around his wrist, and lowers it on the bed, exposing Buck's flushed face. "Buck."

Buck slowly twists his head to look at Eddie and when he does, it's those hazel eyes glistening with unshed tears, love and devotion seeping through.

Eddie intertwines his fingers with Buck's and tugs at him towards himself so Buck can scoot closer.

"We're okay." Eddie promises, his voice silky and tender, he tugs at Buck one more time, Buck's forehead almost touching his. "We're okay."

Buck rests his forehead on Eddie's and places his hand on the side of the other man's neck, feeling Eddie's heartbeat underneath his fingertips, he closes his eyes and lets his lips brush against Eddie's.

"Don't leave me." Buck whispers into Eddie's lips.

Eddie shakes his head in tiny movements and cups Buck's face, whispering back after another kiss. "Never."

Okay.

They are okay.