Work Text:
Oh, dear November.
Today marks three years since Xie Lian decided to grant his first “yes” to Hua Cheng.
Today marked three years of him being in a relationship where he was happy, even more than that, but Xie Lian couldn't find the right words for expressing his emotions in a simple five letter word.
It was perfect, for some odd kind of reason, it was perfect , and that gave Xie Lian's mind a lot of peace. Xie Lian was–well, he always managed to be full of problems, which he responded to by quieting down the pain with a glass of champagne.
Multiple glasses of champagne.
But with time, he learned to manage his problems in different ways, not everything had to be solved by drinking. Of course, he had the help of the one he had the honour to call his ‘boyfriend'.
His lovely boyfriend, who he thought could never have become one of his champagne problems…
–
The last few weeks haven't been perfect. Xie Lian had been noticing that his partner was acting a little strange, or at least that's what it seemed. Was he hiding something? And if he was, then why from him? He decided that it was best to stop overthinking and making assumptions about it, he had been loyal the past three years. Why would that have to change for just a couple of weeks? Hua Cheng could never do anything to harm him.
Still, he couldn't help himself from thinking about it. His stomach ached for each one of his thoughts, it was as if he was given a glass of alcohol that constantly became fuller and fuller the more he kept thinking about it, and to stop it from overflowing, he drank and drank over and over again.
That same day, Hua Cheng had come back from doing the groceries, on his own. Xie Lian had offered to go with him like usual, but Hua Cheng denied the offer, saying it would be best for him to stay resting here in the apartment. That was the first shot of the day. The second one was once he noticed Hua Cheng took longer to come back.
“Welcome back, dear.” Xie Lian said, opening the door to which Hua Cheng replied with a smile, he stepped inside the house and put the groceries' bag on the kitchen table while Xie Lian closed the door.
There was a brief silence until Xie Lian spoke, “why did you take so long today? Did something happen?”
“Oh! Nothing happened, just..” he paused, then continued, “...There were way too many people in line, and also I was trying to find the tea you asked for.”
One of the things that Xie Lian knew how to differentiate, was to know whether Hua Cheng was lying or not, and this case wasn't the exception. That was the third shot of the day, but still his stomach didn't ache. So he let it go.
“Wait, I think I'm forgetting something!” Hua Cheng got out his phone, showing Xie Lian a picture of the restaurant where they both first met. Hua Cheng used to work there as a waiter, and Xie Lian had just come back from a very tiring, long trip. The moment Hua Cheng saw Xie Lian enter the place, he couldn't take his eyes off him. Hua Cheng had begged all the other waiters to please not take Xie Lian's order, that he would be in charge of it, and even though he thought he would do an amazing job with the first impression, he just kept embarrassing himself all night. Xie Lian found it amusing and made his night better.
After that first night, Xie Lian went back to the restaurant the following night, hoping Hua Cheng would take his order, and indeed he once again did. After the third night, Xie Lian asked for Hua Cheng's phone number, which in response Hua Cheng did not hesitate and gave it right away.
Remembering this made Xie Lian's worries vanish. Besides, today was his day, their day, it was their third anniversary! He needed and wanted to enjoy the time with his lover. He didn't have to ruin his day with his own silly thoughts.
“Today is a special day! Isn't it?” Hua Cheng hugged Xie Lian with one arm, while still holding his phone.
Xie Lian let out a small giggle, “Perhaps…” he looked up to his partner and smiled.
Hua Cheng gave him a small kiss on the head, making him flush.
Apparently, Hua Cheng had reserved one table tonight to celebrate that for another year, they had been in both the good, and bad times together as boyfriends.
And it will be the last year too, Hua Cheng thought to himself.
The time flew and it was time to go. While Hua Cheng was getting ready, Xie Lian saw with the corner of his eye something being placed in his pocket, he wasn't able to tell what it was, making him just a little bit paranoid, that became the fourth shot of the day.
When they were both ready, Hua Cheng escorted him out of the apartment, taking his hand. The restaurant wasn't too far away so they decided it would be nice to walk instead of taking a bus, besides that Hua Cheng knew Xie Lian loved to go out on walks together.
Once they arrived at the restaurant, they both sat at the centre table that Hua Cheng reserved.
Why would he have chosen the centre table? Xie Lian asked himself. He just tried to not think much about it.
The couple spent the dinner talking, smiling, and laughing, Xie Lian couldn't be happier. That was until the last dish for the night was served.
A small chocolate dessert, one for him and one for Hua Cheng , decorated with silver painted butterflies also made out of chocolate, along with two glasses of champagne, one for him and one for his lover.
Xie Lian smiled while taking a bite to the dessert. It was delicious, not too sweet nor too bitter, it was the perfect balance. Nothing could go wrong, it was the perfect night, his perfect night, their perfect night.
He took his glass of champagne, looking at Hua Cheng for a toast. But after a while, Hua Cheng stood up from where he was sitting and turned to Xie Lian with a warm, heart melting smile; he slowly knelt down, and at that moment, Xie Lian froze.
“L-Love?..” Xie Lian's voice trembled.
Would it be what he thought it was? And if it was, why was he so nervous? He looked at his boyfriend, then he directed his gaze to Hua Cheng's hand, he was getting something, something out of his pocket.
The image of Hua Cheng putting something in his pocket came back to Xie Lian in a second.
Oh fuck. He thought to himself.
Hua Cheng took out a tiny red box, slowly opened it, revealing a-
A ring...
The ring was a shiny silver, with a butterfly detail and a big maroon ruby.
Xie Lian dropped his glass, spilling all the champagne on the table.
“Xie Lian, dear,” Hua Cheng spoke nervously, “These last three years that I've spent with you, have been the best three years of my entire life. And it was because of you, because you were in them." Hua Cheng's face was painted crimson red, "I'm more than sure that, there's no one more perfect than you for me, to spend the rest of my life with.” Xie Lian's hands started to tremble, he brought them to his face, covering his mouth.
It's happening. It's actually happening. He said to himself.
Why am I reacting like this? Don't I want this? I think I want to, or don't I? He kept asking these questions over and over in his head, they were slowly killing him.
“So, what would you say if it was just you and me the rest of our lives?” he directed his gaze toward Xie Lian, waiting for an answer.
Does he actually want this? Does Hua Cheng really want to put up with me for the rest of his life? Does he really want to deal with what my presence would bring? What if eventually he gets tired? Will he change?
What? No. Why am I being so harsh on myself? He loves me, he has been with me for three years, he has seen me in my worst times, he has been with me when I most needed it, he–but does he really want to deal with that all of his life?
Xie Lian just kept attacking himself with this bunch of questions. What if Hua Cheng didn't know what he was doing, what if he would regret this in the future. Xie Lian had gotten better with the years, but that didn't mean he was fully clean of all his bad habits, that didn't mean he would stay in the right path, that didn't mean he wouldn't go back to what it was, and if he did, would Hua Cheng stop loving him for it? For not being strong enough? For not being able to keep getting better?
Xie Lian stood up, he looked at his boyfriend's beautiful scarlet, vermillion mesmerising shiny eyes, that had hope in them.
He looks more handsome than any other day. Xie Lian thought to himself. Painting his cheeks a wine red.
But something was stopping him, something in him was stopping him from saying the desired yes that everyone was waiting for him to say. All eyes were on him, he could hear whispers around the tables.
“Why is he taking so long?…” someone at the table behind him said.
“What is he waiting for?” table to his right.
“Is he going to say no?” “No way! I'm sure he is saying yes, who wouldn't to that man?” Table to his left.
Xie lian stared at the ring, he placed two of his fingers on the top of the box.
.
.
.
Click.
.
.
.
He closed it.
“Dear?—”
“I'm– San Lang, I love you… I really, really do.” Xie Lian could't meet the other's eyes. “But…” he looked around, all of the tables started to whisper even more.
He looked into Hua Cheng's eyes, those eyes that were once full of love and hope, and now those feelings were completely shattered in a billion pieces.
“I just–can't do it.” Xie Lian finished.
He looked around once again, all the people were staring at him, judging him perhaps.
Xie Lian couldn't believe what he just did; he had acted out of pure instinct before even thinking about things. Why did he do it? What was going through his head? No valid reason came to his mind, and when he looked back at his lover, he saw someone completely different; his eyes had lost all the light they had a few seconds ago, and his red cheeks had turned into white petals.
That was the last straw.
“I- I'm sorry,” he said, “I–I didn't mean to–” he couldn't even find the right words.
He had ruined his own night, he had ruined their night.
Xie Lian ran out of the place, trying to hold back his tears.
–
Xie Lian walked outside the restaurant to the nearest bar. Even though this one was about to close, he still stepped inside; he needed to end his pain, forget everything that had happened.
He drank, and drank and drank, until his body couldn't resist one more single sip of alcohol, until his throat burned, until his stomach ached. He regretted everything.
Why couldn't I just say yes? I love him… at least that's what I think.
Isn't it?
He kept talking to himself, blaming himself.
What was wrong with him? Was he so fucked up in the head that he couldn't tell if he really loved the man he'd spent the last three years of his life with? The man who cried and laughed with him, kissed him every night and day, helped him—the man who was always there for him—and now, looking back, he had broken the heart of the one he loved the most, into a million pieces.
He had a heart. Hua Cheng's heart. A heart made out of glass, he had it in the palm of his hand, and he just dropped it like it was nothing.
Like it was nothing.
Hua Cheng was everything to him. And he still dropped his heart to the floor, like it was nothing.
He is everything to me, and I still couldn't say yes. He is everything to me, and probably now I've lost him. Everything's my fault.
Tears began to fall down Xie Lian's cheeks; he couldn't tolerate a single noise, his head was about to explode. Tears and tears kept on falling, to the point where he had enough tears left to fill the shot of alcohol with them.
He heard the bell of the bar ring; who could it be at this late? He turned back and felt like someone had just shot a bullet to his heart.
It was Hua Cheng.
Xie Lian quickly wiped away all of his tears, shrugging in his seat, though it wasn't much help, he felt the presence of Hua Cheng approaching him, he wanted to start crying again, but he couldn't do it, not in front of him.
Xie Lian slightly raised his gaze, but the moment he saw Hua Cheng, he couldn't help but start tearing up.
“I–I'm so sorry” a trembling voice came from Xie Lian's mouth, “I didn't- I just-”
Hua Cheng came closer without saying a word, taking Xie Lian's hand softly.
In an instant, Xia lian clung to Hua Cheng's chest. Hua Cheng, still silent, gently started caressing his hair.
"I'm sorry,” he cried, “I'm so sorry, I don't know why I–I'm not sure what I was thinking. And I can't even give you a reason, ‘cause I– I just–it just happened, I'm, so so fucking sorry." he had to stop multiple times to catch his breath.
“Shhh,” Hua Cheng finally spoke, “I'm here, I've always been and will be.” The soft whispers of Hua Cheng made Xie Lian's body calm down, and the warmth of his body made his cold body stop shaking. Even though he was still in pain, he felt safe.
Xie Lian never needed a hug more in his entire life. And he didn't even know that until Hua Cheng gave him one. He didn't even need to ask him for one, Hua Cheng just knew.
“You don't have to apologise, you did nothing wrong, I'm the one who should be apologising.” Hua Cheng said.
"No!" Xie Lian's face stopped being hidden in the other's chest and looked up, "you did nothing wrong!” He placed both of his hands on Hua Cheng's cheeks, holding his face firmly.
Hua Cheng let out a soft smile, and Xie Lian not just felt Hua Cheng's cheeks go warm, but also saw them get red. Hua Cheng's cheeks had gained colour again, and his eyes had lighted up once more too.
“Even after crying… you still look just as beautiful,” Hua Cheng said with a soft voice.
The blood rushed into Xie Lian's cheeks, and Hua Cheng gave a delicate kiss on the skin of Xie Lian's hand, softly closing his eyes. Xie Lian felt butterflies in his stomach. Hua Cheng opened his eyes once more and looked at his lover, who had the eyes focused now on the other's lips. Xie Lian slowly came closer to Hua Cheng's mouth, firmly holding his cheeks, bringing their lips together into a deep loving kiss.
No matter how many times he had already kissed Hua Cheng before, each new one became even more magical.
Nothing else mattered. No one else but them mattered. That kiss lasted maybe just three seconds, but for Xie Lian? It felt like minutes, hours, and his heart was about to come out of his chest of how hard was beating, his face was covered in red and his eyes couldn't move from Hua Cheng.
“You didn't ruin anything.” Hua Cheng reaffirmed him, “I'm sorry if you had too much pressure on your shoulders.”
Xie Lian couldn't believe that Hua Cheng was the one apologising, “No, no it isn't your fault, I swear.”
“I just, I want to let you know that no matter what, I will always be here.” Hua Cheng's hand went to Xie Lian's cheek and caressed it.
Even after the heartbreak that Xie Lian had probably made Hua Cheng feel, he was still here. He still went to try and find him, he still hugged him, he still kissed him, he still loved him.
“You're, my everything.” Xie Lian said, “and I–I am just too afraid to lose you.”
Hua Cheng kept silent, and Xie Lian continued, “I don't want to lose you.” He paused, then said, “I don't want to make your life difficult, I don't want to cause you pain, even though I probably have and just did. It's just that–you, you've shown me what is to be truly happy, you're just not my boyfriend, but my best friend, the one person I'll always go to.”
Hua Cheng just kept on going red, if it was possible to go even more red.
“I–I want you to have the best version of me.”
Hua Cheng finally spoke, “I want all versions of you.”
Xie Lian's heart truly was going to pop, he was pretty much sure you were able to hear it beat.
“You won't lose me, I won't go anywhere, if it's not with you.”
There was a deep silence.
“I adore you, and I treasure you.” Hua Cheng once more came closer to Xie Lian's lips, leaving a soft kiss on them.
Hua Cheng tried to move back once more but Xie Lian moved closer again, leaving another kiss, then resting his head on the other's shoulder.
“I do want to marry you…” he whispered softly, and left a kiss on the other's neck.