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"We made love the other night," Hawke comments when they're onboard Isabela's new ship, sailing away from Kirkwall. It's his time to sit on a crate, his back pressed against the wall behind him and his eyes unfocused, "Did you... did you think I was going to kill you? The whole time we-..." He looks up at Anders, disbelief and shock in them, like he had just processed the whole thing.
"I-.. expected it, yes," Anders admits quietly.
Hawke rubs his hands against his face for a few moments before dragging them up and into his hair.
"That's so fucked up, Anders. So, so fucked up," he finally groans.
It's obviously the wrong thing to say, at least to Anders, who hunches and looks down and to the side.
"I'm sorry," he says, "I just wanted to make love to you one last time. I guess it was selfish of me to do so while keeping you in the dark about my plan. You probably wouldn't have wan-"
"No, no, no!" Hawke looks exasperated now, "What you're saying now is even worse! It's fucked up that you wanted to have sex with the person you thought was going to kill you. Please, tell me you can see why that's fucked up!"
Anders purses his lips together, clearly not seeing Hawke's point.
"So I wanted to feel loved one last time by the person I love," he stresses, "I guess that's fucked up."
"That's not what I meant!" Hawke yells but the fight leaves him a moment later, "We're going to have a long talk about so many things later. I'm too tired for it now tho. But-" he stands up and pulls Anders close to him, embracing him tightly, "know that I love you, and that I would never hurt you. It breaks my heart that you thought I could and would kill you. You have no idea how much it hurts." His fingers dig into black feathers.
Anders tentatively returns the hug.
"This is what you're upset about?" he finally asks in disbelief. "Not about the Chantry or the-"
"No," Hawke says firmly, "I understand all of those. I mean, it still sucks that you thought you needed to lie and hide your plans from me, but I get it. The way you treat yourself, and the way you think I would ever treat you, however - I'm fucking upset about those. But let's go to bed, we'll talk more tomorrow."
Anders follows him to their cabin, his hand warm in Hawke's grasp.