Archive of Our Own

Jared sighs and checks his watch again. Seriously, how long does it take one woman to pee? The movie’s about to start and Sandy’s been in there for hours. Well, at least ten minutes. Whatever. Too long anyway. Maybe the Mexican food is messing with her stomach or something. Or, you know, it might be ‘women’s trouble’, in which case, complaining once she gets out would not be a wise thing. Some mistakes you learn not to make twice.

The music of I’m so pretty from West Side Story suddenly vibrates in his pocket, making him jump and spill popcorn on the floor. Dammit. He looks around for some place to put down the big bucket of popcorn and two super-sized cups of Coke he’s balancing in his hands. No luck.

The music keeps playing and a couple of people glance his way, probably wondering why he has such a cheesy ringtone. It had been a joke, his way of getting back at Jensen for choosing I’m a Big Big Girl with Emilia as Jared’s personalized ring tone on his own phone. The joke has pretty much worn thin by now, but Jared hasn’t bothered changing it back. Besides, it still makes Jensen cringe and that’s always fun.

He’s considering asking someone to hold the drinks for him while he answers when Sandy suddenly comes sauntering out from the restrooms, looking pink and fresh and not stomach-achy (or thank God, crampy) at all.

“Here, take this,” he says and shoves the drinks at her. The second she relieves him of them the phone stops ringing. Figures. He flips it open anyway just as it dings to let him know he’s got a voicemail. Yep, Jensen.

“Come on, baby. The movie’s about to start,” Sandy says but he shakes his head and kisses her lightly on the cheek.

“You go in and get us seats. I’m just gonna hear what Jen wants.”

Not that it’s likely to be important. Jensen has this odd habit of calling him for no apparent reason. Messages left in the middle of the night asking if Jared has seen his car keys? “Oh, there they are, never mind.” Or telling him he’d just seen a giraffe on TV and thought of him. Or “Jare, dude. How many people your size can they fit into a Volkswagen? ‘Cause I’m watching Guinness World Records and they’ve got like twenty clowns stuffed in one. Weird.” Strange and totally random things that make no sense whatsoever.

Jared figures it’s Jensen’s weird sense of humor so he starts leaving his own odd messages on Jensen’s voicemail. “Hey, man. You left your brain in my fridge. The dogs licked it. You don’t mind, do you?” Or “I’m watching Dark Angel, man. So which one of you is the chick?” Or “Jenny, baby, I just had a dream you were making out with the Impala. Something you wanna tell me?” The more bizarre the more fun it is. Not that Jensen ever mentions them, no more than Jared mentions the messages Jensen leaves him. It’s like their own unspoken duel.

So when he hits #1 on speed dial for his voicemail and listens to the androgynous voice telling him he has “One new voice message” the grin is already in place while he tries to think of something crazy enough to retort with.

Beep. “Do you ever think of me when you’re kissing her?” Click.

The smile slips from his face and he stands frozen, staring at the phone in his hand. After a moment he punches the buttons and replays the message, pressing the phone to his ear.

“Do you ever think of me when you’re kissing her?”

The voice is hoarse, the words slightly slurred. No trace of a smile, no hint of it being a joke. Is he…?

Licking his lips nervously, Jared snaps the phone shut. What’s going on?

He contemplates calling Jensen back but the opening credits are already playing inside the theater, so he slips the phone into his pocket instead and goes searching for Sandy. Even if the lights have been turned off, he has no problem finding her. They always sit in the same place, top row, right above the stairs. Gives him enough legroom and they can make out if the movie proves boring.

He sits down and hands her the bucket of popcorn, accepting the Coke from her hand.

“Everything all right?”

“Yeah. Just Jensen.”

She gives him an odd look and he realizes he used Jensen’s full name, something he usually only does in public because the nicknames make Jensen uncomfortable. The realization makes his chest tighten in guilt. The guy’s his best friend. What the hell is wrong with him?

He manages a smile and she smiles back, then runs her hand over his chest and up to his neck, pulling him down for a kiss.

“Do you ever think of me when you’re kissing her?”

‘Well, fuck you, Jen. Now I do,’ he thinks, then kisses her harder, thrusting his tongue into her mouth until she pulls away gasping, dark eyes reflecting the images flickering across the silver screen. He smiles again and lets his hand slip down between her thighs, resting there as he turns his gaze on the movie.

Whatever that phone call was about it will have to wait. He’s not missing out on fanboying Johnny Depp in full-blown pirate gear just because Jensen is being weird.

Sandy’s fast asleep, her hair smelling of popcorn and sex, when Jared gently removes himself from her embrace and slips out of bed. She sighs softly and curls up on her side, her naked skin shimmering with sweat in the moonlight. He pulls on a pair of boxer briefs and fishes the phone out of the pocket of his jeans that lie in a heap on the floor, then slinks out, closing the door quietly behind him. He walks into the kitchen and opens the fridge, staring blindly into it for a while, then jerks awake and fishes out a beer can, snapping it open and draining half in one go.

The phone feels heavy in his hand. Feels like so much more than a piece of metal and plastic. Feels like when he held the unread script to the season two finale in his hand, not knowing whether Sam would live or die. Like holding his whole future in his hand.

Maybe Jensen really had been joking. Maybe this is his idea of a prank, taking the gay subtext a little bit further. Only he didn’t sound like he was joking. In fact he sounded completely serious. And slightly desperate. And very, very drunk.

Jared gulps down the rest of the beer, feeling stupidly nervous and unsure.

Question is, should he pretend that it never happened just like he’s done with all the other odd messages Jensen’s left him – and suddenly he’s rethinking them from a completely different angle – or is this something he can’t ignore? Something they really need to talk about?

Fuck.

Closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath and then pushes #3 on speed dial. He listens to it ring on the other end. No one picks up. Not surprising if Jensen really was as drunk as he sounded. Finally, it clicks over to “Can’t come to the phone right now. You know what to do.” Beep.

“Hey, Jen. I…” Jared falters, his cheeks blushing in the dark. Maybe he should have figured out what to say before he made the call. “Listen. I got your message and.... Call me, man.” He pauses. “We should talk.” He snaps the phone shut and draws in his breath. Ball’s in your court now, buddy.

Sunday goes by incredibly slowly. They take the dogs for a walk then spend some time doing laundry and cleaning the kitchen. Sandy says he lives like a pig and she’s right. The weekends she comes over are always partly spent doing housework because the mess bugs her. Every time she leaves, he vows he’ll have the place cleaned up the next time she comes over. So far he hasn’t been able to keep his word. He’s just not the domestic type, something he’ll have to work on.

When he sees her off at the airport on Sunday night, he feels guilty about being slightly relieved. It’s not that he wants her gone it’s just that with her here he hasn’t had time to sit down and really think this thing with Jensen over. Because it is a thing, he’s sure of that now. The fact that Jensen hasn’t called him back pretty much proves it. Something that is worrying Jared almost more than the actual message.

He drives by Jensen’s place on his way home, stopping for a few seconds outside, then driving on and home. What’s he going to say anyway? “Hey, Jen. So, you want me to kiss you, or what?” Stupid.

He spends the evening sitting on the couch, staring at the TV without really noticing what’s on, the cell phone heavy in his pocket. It stays silent.

He tries not to think about it. Tries so hard that it ends up being the only thing he can think about.

Jensen and kissing.

Something Jared’s seen plenty of, thanks to late nights and beer and so many Canadian girls apparently not knowing the meaning of the word shy. But he’s never experienced it firsthand, obviously. Never paid it any thought either, except maybe to wonder if those lips lived up to the girls’ expectations. They all do seem dazed enough after, but then again, they do that after only getting a smile.

Funny the way girls just flail around Jensen. It’s like there’s something about him that shortcuts their brains and they end up stammering and blushing and looking like they’re a wind-blow away from falling over. Really, he’s just a guy. A ridiculously good-looking guy, but a guy just the same. Jared certainly has never felt faint or lost for words whenever Jensen shoots him a grin. And he’s never fantasized about Jensen’s lips, no matter how girly they are.

Which makes it even more confusing that images of said lips refuse to leave Jared’s brain alone. And not just his lips. The whole pretty Jensen package keeps assaulting him however much he tries to fight it.

Jensen’s green eyes. His freckled skin. The way his forehead knots over his eyebrows when he frowns. The shadow of stubble on his cheeks. How the tips of his ears turn pink when he’s embarrassed or drunk. And those lips that look so soft as they come closer, closer…

Jared blinks in shock and the image disappears. What the hell was that? What is he doing? Why is he…?

Jensen lowers his eyes, biting his lips nervously and then suddenly he looks up, pupils blown dark and open. A pink tongue slips out, licking the lower lip, and then his eyes are closing, slowly, as his lips part on a nervous intake of breath. Barely an inch away and…

Jared blinks again but his eyelids feel so heavy and he’s only human, ok? It’s not like he means to go there. He’s not really responsible for what his brain conjures up when he sleeps. Because Jared wouldn’t do that. He’s not that kinda guy. He’s not…

Jensen’s lips hover against Jared’s, so close he can feel their heat, but they’re still keeping a breath’s distance, like Jensen isn’t sure whether a kiss would be welcomed or not. He breathes into Jared’s mouth, air that tastes of coffee and uncertainty. Jared holds his own breath, afraid he’ll ruin this, whatever this is, if he so much as blinks an eye. Please, he thinks. Please, yes. I want you to. Jensen hitches his breath and then the distance is gone and he’s just there, warm and soft and pressing against Jared’s lips. With his fingers in Jared’s hair and his warm body pushing Jared deeper into the cushions. He parts his lips on a gasp and Jensen licks along them, his tongue hot to the point of feverish, and Jared can’t fight the moan rumbling in his chest. He puts a hand awkwardly on Jensen’s hip then slips his fingers under the waistband of his jeans, chasing the softness of skin where it disappears under the denim. Jensen shifts in his lap, rolling his hips in a way that has Jared gasping, dick hard and aching in his pants. Jensen laughs soft puffs of air into Jared’s mouth.

“Too many clothes,” Jared groans and just like that they’re gone. Jensen’s ass is round, each cheek fitting perfectly in the palms of Jared’s hands as he cups them, kneading his thumbs into the dimples at the bottom of Jensen’s spine. Jensen keeps kissing him, slow warm kisses of soft lips and wet tongues, with teeth nibbling and gasps turning into grunts as Jared shifts his hips, slip-sliding his cock against Jensen’s. “Fuck, Jen,” he groans into Jensen’s mouth and Jensen whispers back, “Wanted this. Wanted this for so long.”

Jared jerks awake, his hand still stuck in his pants, now wet and sticky with come. Ugh. The clock on the DVD player says two in the morning. He gets slowly to his feet and walks on shaky legs into the bathroom, stumbling out of his underwear and swiping pathetically at the mess with them. He should shower but he doesn’t, leaves it for the morning instead and shuffles into the bedroom. The sheets still smell of Sandy, but he swears he can taste Jensen on his tongue and the whole thing is so fucked up he can’t even think about it.

He sets the alarm for six o’clock before once again falling into dream-filled sleep where he and Jensen keep on kissing, hot and heavy, until Sandy crashes through the door with a chainsaw. He wakes up sweating, his dick twitching against a wet spot on the sheets, his heart hammering guilt into his chest.

What the hell is happening to him?

He keeps the shower cold and short, then throws on whatever lies on top on the neatly folded mountain of clean laundry Sandy left ready for him. Only to catch himself looking in the mirror, thinking, ‘Do I look good in this? Good enough that Jensen would want to kiss me?’ The answer is yes, and he quickly pulls the t-shirt off and replaces it with a pink one that Jensen hates.

Except it’s not so much that he hates it, more that he says it makes Jared look totally gay.

Damn.

Jared pulls it off again and throws it on the bed, panic starting to rise in his throat. Their driver will be here any minute and he will have to face Jensen and…

Why the hell didn’t he try harder to get a hold of Jensen yesterday, just to clear the air?

He finally settles for a green t-shirt and a grey zipped up hoodie. Nothing remotely sexy, in fact the green color is slightly nauseating. He kinda hates himself for letting this thing affect him so much. Especially since he’s not sure if it’s the thought of Jensen being gay or that he’s gay for Jared that’s so upsetting.

He’s never thought of himself as a bigot. Being in this business means meeting more gay people in one day than all his childhood years in Texas combined and he’s never thought any different of them. But this is Jensen. His Jensen. His best friend who’s slept on his couch and drunk his beer and beat him at Grand Theft Auto. Who he feels closer to than he can remember ever feeling to anyone before. Who apparently, maybe, possibly, fantasizes about Jared kissing him.

And, if last night’s dreams are anything to go by, Jared’s dick is perfectly ok with that. Which brings on a whole new and way more worrying level of ‘What the fuck?’

He jumps when his phone pings, almost dropping it as he fishes it out of his pocket. The car is here, waiting outside and the tension in Jared’s stomach magnifies by a hundred.

Damn, he’s making way too much out of this. Jensen was drunk and decided to pull a prank on him, that’s all. The guy’s an actor for Christ’s sake, he probably made his voice sound like that to deliberately mess with Jared’s head. Making him have stupid dreams about things he’d never even thought about and never would have if Jensen hadn’t forced them upon him with his stupid question.

Suddenly he feels pissed off, and he slams the door behind him, only feeling a tiny bit guilty for possibly waking up his neighbors at the ass crack of dawn. Clif greets him way too cheerily, and he plasters on a fake smile and asks Clif about his weekend like he always does. It isn’t until Clif’s halfway through a story about a karaoke bar and tequila that Jared realizes they’re driving in the wrong direction.

“Clif, hey!” he interrupts. “Forgetting someone?”

Clif glances at him in the mirror. “It’s just you today. I thought you knew.”

Jared stares at him. “What? Why?"

Clif shrugs. “I was told he’s sick.”

Jared blinks, mind going at a million miles per minute. Sick? Jensen never takes sick days. Hell, Kim once physically manhandled him into a car and ordered him home because he was running a fever of 102. And still he was back the next day, looking so much like shit the make-up girls didn’t know where to start. For him to call in sick he must be close to dying.

Worried Jared flips open his phone and dials Jensen’s number. It’s turned off, taking him straight to voicemail and he falters for a second, not knowing what to say with Clif two feet away, listening.

“Hey, it’s me,” he finally says, keeping his voice even but concerned. “Just checking in on you. You really sick, you pussy, or just too lazy to get your ass out of bed? Call me, ok? Jerk,” he adds as an afterthought, hoping Jensen gets it.

Clif eyes him in the mirror, and Jared shrugs before leaning back, closing his eyes. This is going to be a long day.

As it turns out it’s actually a short one. They do a few close-ups, and then he spends some time going over already shot scenes from last week with Kim, discussing different angles and how to better bring out the emotions Kim is looking for in that specific scene. Jared finds himself zoning out, watching Jensen more than he watches himself. Is that Dean looking tired or is it just Jen? Did he flinch because Dean should, or because Jensen couldn’t help it? Is the look in his eyes for Sam or Jared? Has Jensen always licked his lips so much, and Jared just never noticed?

“Hey, you with me?”

Jared jerks out of his musings to find Kim watching him, and he feels himself blush. “Yeah, sorry. You were saying?”

Kim holds his gaze a few seconds longer, but then he turns back to the small screen. “See right there? I think-“

“You know what’s wrong with Jensen?” Jared blurts out and Kim looks up again, frowning at him. “I mean, you know Jen. He wouldn’t call in sick even if he was missing half a lung, so it must be pretty serious, right? I was just wondering…”

Kim shrugs. “I don’t know. He talked to Eric, not me.”

“Oh.” Jared bites his lip. Maybe he should ask Eric.

“You could just call him,” Kim suggests. “If you’re worried.”

“I’m not worried. I just… And I’ve tried. He’s not answering.”

Kim sighs and stands up. “Look, we can do this any time. No use if your mind’s not in it anyway.”

“No, I’m sorry. I can…”

“Kid, get out of here. Go over there and check on him.”

“Ok. Yeah, alright. I’ll… Thanks.”

“No problem. But keep the hugging to the minimum. We can’t afford you getting sick as well.”

Jared laughs but it’s short and hollow. “Yeah, sure. I’ll try.”

He borrows one of the rentals and drives over to Jensen’s hotel, the whole way wondering what he’s doing. So the guy’s sick. Got nothing to do with that phone call. ‘Again, you’re making way too big a deal out of this, Jare,’ he thinks. Jensen’s gonna laugh his head off.

Except the Jensen that finally opens the door after Jared’s pounded on it for five minutes doesn’t look like he’s about to laugh at anything. He’s unshaven and red-eyed, skin grey and sweaty, and he fucking stinks. Like he hasn’t showered in a week.

“Jared,” he says, voice flat and tired, eyes alarmingly dull. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I came to check on you, dude,” Jared says, staring at Jensen with concern. “Christ. You look like shit.”

“Gee, thanks,” Jensen bites back with no real emotion and flips him the finger before walking back into the apartment, leaving the door open. After a short hesitation Jared follows him, closing the door quietly behind him.

The air inside the apartment is thick and stuffy, the smell of sweat and smoke making Jared’s eyes sting.

“Sorry ‘bout the mess,” Jensen mutters from the couch where he’s huddled under a blanket.

There are two ashtrays filled to the brim with stubbed out cigarettes on the table. At least five empty pizza boxes are littering the floor and when Jared rounds the corner of the couch he almost trips over a plastic bag filled with empties. As if Jensen had tried to tidy up when Jared rang the doorbell and then just given up.

“Hey, man. Mind if I crack a window?” Jared asks as he tries to work out what to say.

Jensen grunts and waves his hand, which Jared takes as permission, and he flings open the windows in the living room and then walks into the kitchen to open there as well so the air can breathe through. The sink is filled with dirty dishes and glasses and when Jared checks the fridge, he finds it pretty much empty.

Wary he walks back into the living room. Jensen is still refusing to look at him, his eyes fixated on the TV where half-naked girls are shaking their booties to some nineties rap song. Jared watches him for a minute, then takes the remote and turns the TV off before sitting down on the coffee table, forcing Jensen to face him.

“Hey, man. What’s going on?”

Jensen shrugs, eyes averted. “I’m sick. Flu or something.”

“Huh.” Jared studies him. “I’ll admit you’ve looked better. So what, you’re throwing up?”

“Yeah. Something like that.” Jensen is still not looking at him and Jared’s starting to feel more than a little worried. He reaches out to lay a palm on Jensen’s forehead but Jensen jerks away, swatting at his hand. “What the hell are you doing?” he hisses, finally a hint of emotion in his voice.

“Trying to see if you’ve got a fever,” Jared answers patiently. “Be still.”

“You’re not my mom, Jare,” Jensen grumbles but he doesn’t object when Jared gives him a pointed look and reaches for him again. Jensen’s forehead is clammy but no warmer than it should be. If anything he feels slightly cool. Jared sits back and purses his lips. Jensen is obviously not in the mood to talk, and the foul air in the apartment is starting to give Jared a headache.

“C’mon,” he says and stands up, offering Jensen his hand. “Shower time. You’ll feel a whole lot better.”

Jensen gives him the evil eye but Jared just glares back, stubbornly holding out his hand, and after a while Jensen takes it and allows Jared to haul him to his feet. It brings them uncomfortably close, so close that Jared can feel Jensen’s hot breath brushing his Adam’s apple. It smells of alcohol and cigarettes, and the thought, ‘If we kissed right now he would taste really bad,’ suddenly pops into Jared’s head. He can feel himself blushing and takes a quick step back, covering his faltering by patting Jensen on the back and then shoving him gently in the direction of the bathroom.

“There you go. Wash away the stink. I’ll make some coffee.”

“I’m out,” Jensen mutters as he shuffles down the hall. “Don’t even have instant.”

“Well, hell. No wonder you’re so grumpy,” Jared says cheerfully as he makes a quick assessment of the apartment, wondering how much of the mess he’ll be able to clean up before Jensen’s out of the shower. For usually being an anal neat freak, Jensen has made a surprisingly good job of turning his place into a pigsty. That more than anything tells the tale of how bad of a shape he’s in.

 “Take your time, man,” Jared shouts in the direction of the bathroom as he starts stacking the pizza boxes. “Don’t want you out of there until you smell of spring and meadows again.”

He thinks he hears Jensen snort but in the state he’s in it might just as well have been a badly disguised burp.

“And brush your teeth!” he adds without thinking. Shit. “I mean… Never mind.”

The sound of water being turned on reaches him, and he breathes out. Maybe Jensen didn’t even hear him. After all he’d been far away, on the other side of a door, getting undressed…

The water is running.

Jared goes still.

Water. Soap. Jensen. Wet. Skin. Jensen. Wet Jensen. Wet naked Jensen.

His dick twitches.

He laughs nervously to himself. Oh, for Christ’s sake! Stop it! One drunken phone call, and he’s going all gay? And not only gay, a damn pervert too. Having wet dreams about Jensen kissing him and obsessing over Jensen naked. Next thing he’ll be imagining Jensen sucking cock every time he puts something in his mouth. Which is… God.

Jared groans. What the hell is wrong with him?

Angry he grabs the full bag of empties and carries it out to the trash along with the pizza boxes. Then he empties the ashtrays and washes them in the sink. He hates the smell of wet cigarette ash but at least the trays are empty and clean now. And hopefully Jensen’s run out of cigarettes as well.

Jared starts on the dishes, scraping off pieces of dried-out food and mold before dumping them back in the sink, the steam from the hot water enveloping his face in the sickly-sweet smell of decay. A glass half-filled with sour milk almost makes him gag. If Sandy could see this she’d never call him a pig again. Seriously, this is way worse than his apartment ever gets.

Wrinkling his nose Jared wonders how long Jensen has been like this. He’d last seen him on Thursday as they wrapped up for the long weekend, and he’d seemed alright then. Maybe a bit more quiet than usual, but to tell the truth he always gets like that when Sandy comes over. Jared’s just always thought it was because it meant they couldn’t hang out like usual, but now he’s starting to wonder if maybe it’s something else altogether.

“Do you ever think of me when you’re kissing her?”

A glass bowl slips from his soapy fingers, crashing down on the counter where it breaks into a million pieces, spitting them all over the goddamn kitchen. Without thinking he tries to catch a larger piece and then drops it quickly, blood springing out from a cut in his thumb. Fuck!

“Fuck! Shit! Goddamn hell!”

“Jesus. What the hell are you doing?”

He turns around, a heartbeat too late to shout out a warning before Jensen steps forward, feet bare and vulnerable. His eyes widen and then he’s stumbling back, sucking in his breath as he looks down in alarm. His feet leave bloody prints on the grey tiles. Jared reaches out, managing to catch Jensen’s arm right before he falls down. He steadies himself on one of the kitchen chairs with what he realizes a second later is his own injured hand. It stings like a bitch, but he pays it no mind, too worried about the gray color on Jensen’s face.

“Fuck, Jen. You… Fuck. I’m sorry. There was soap and… Damn.”

“It’s ok. It’s ok,” Jensen mumbles, allowing Jared to lower him down on the chair. “I’m sure it’s nothing.”

“Can you keep your feet up while I clean the floor?” Jared asks, and Jensen nods dumbly.

Jared wraps a dishtowel around his finger before making his way carefully across the floor and to the cupboard where Jensen keeps his vacuum cleaner. His flip-flops don’t provide much of a protection but apart from a small sting at his right heel he manages to avoid cutting himself further. He keeps an eye on Jensen while he first picks up the larger shards and then vacuums up the rest before mopping up the blood, worried Jensen might do something stupid, like stand up to help or pass out face first on the floor. Thankfully he does neither, instead he sits still, eyes slightly vacant as he silently watches Jared work. When the floor is finally clean Jared turns to Jensen, crouching by his chair in concern.

“Hey, man, you alright?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine,” Jensen says absentmindedly, looking down at Jared’s hands, cradling his feet. “What was that?”

“I dropped your big glass bowl. Sorry.” Jared frowns, studying the soles of Jensen’s bare feet. There are two rather large cuts on his right foot and one on his left, pieces of glass still sticking out of them. Plus dots of tiny crystals shallowly embedded all over the bloody surface. “Damn, we need to clean these.”

“I can…” Jensen begins and tries to stand up, but Jared pushes him down on the chair again.

“I just finished mopping your blood off the floor, dude. Once is enough. Be still."

“Ok.”

He sounds dazed, the grayish tint still clinging to his skin. Jared shoots him another worried look before standing up and fetching the first aid kit. It takes him half an hour to clean and patch up Jensen’s feet and by the time he’s finished his own thumb is throbbing painfully. The whole while Jensen hasn’t said a single word, just flinched a few times when a piece of glass has proved exceptionally stubborn, and Jared has to dig it out with the tweezers.

“Ok, I think that’s it,” Jared finally says and stands up, swaying slightly from the sudden change in gravity. “Don’t think you should walk yet though. Where you want me to take you, bed or couch?”

Jensen blinks up at him and Jared suddenly realizes what he said. “Er… I mean, you don’t wanna sit here, do you?”

There’s an awkward silence.

“Couch,” Jensen finally says. “But you don’t have to…”

“Dude, shut up and let me do this.” Jared flexes his muscles mockingly and then leans over him, only to stop. “Uh… how do I do this?”

“I can…” Jensen starts and tries to stand up but sucks in his breath before falling back down on the chair. “Shit.”

“Ok. Ok. Just… put your arms around my neck.”

Jensen frowns at him. “What?”

“Your arms. Around my neck. C’mon.”

“You’re not carrying me like a fucking girl, Jare,” Jensen growls, finally seeming to wake up from his stupor. “Forget it.”

“Well, what do you suggest then, Jen? You can’t put your feet down, man. What you wanna do? Crawl in there?”

The stubborn look on Jensen’s face makes Jared roll his eyes in frustration. “You’re not crawling, you idiot.” Without waiting for further argument he slides one arm under Jensen’s knees and the other under his arms and then stands up before Jensen realizes what’s happening. “Now just hang on or I’ll drop you on your ass.”

“Jared! What the… Put me down! Goddammit, you can’t… Jesus!”

That last exclamation is followed by flailing as Jared stumbles slightly and then Jensen is clinging to him like a monkey, fingers digging into Jared’s shoulders so hard, he’s sure they’ll leave bruises.

“Ow! Dude, no claws! Stop it!”

“Then put me down, asshole! Now!”

“Not dropping you right here on the floor, moron,” Jared huffs. Fuck, Jensen is one heavy motherfucker. “Damnit, what have you been eating? Rocks? You weigh a fucking ton, man.”

“You calling me fat?” Jensen exclaims incredulous, voice slightly screechy. “I’m not fat! I’m muscular, you fucking bony sasquatch!”

There’s a moment of shocked silence, and then they both burst out laughing. Jared only just manages to reach the couch before he stumbles, crashing Jensen down on the soft cushions, his elbow barely missing Jensen’s crotch.

“Jesus Christ!” he gasps between guffaws as he slides to the floor, back leaning against the couch. “What was that?”

“I don’t know!” Jensen stares up at the ceiling, chest heaving with hiccupping laughter. “I’m blaming it on massive blood loss.”

Jared snorts. He can feel the warmth from Jensen’s skin where his forearm presses against Jared’s back, and when he shifts on the floor Jensen’s knuckles scrape his bicep. “Right. That whole teaspoon-worth of blood you lost.”

“Dude, that was a lot more than a teaspoon. That was… like a pint or something.”

“That why you almost fainted? Wuss.”

“I did not almost faint” Jensen huffs indignantly. “I’m just tired, dickhead. I’m sick, remember?”

Jared turns his head and smiles at him. The gray color is thankfully gone from Jensen’s cheeks, instead he’s flushed, and his eyes gleam with laughter. Amusement tugs at his lips, teeth biting into them to try and keep them from turning into a full-fledged grin. He looks…

It’s like a punch in Jared’s gut. One moment he’s just sitting there, happily watching Jensen and the next…

Oh.

It’s like a veil has suddenly been lifted from his eyes. He gets it now. Gets what makes crazy fangirls jump Jensen at conventions, and the slightly saner ones gush about him on social media. He gets what makes Megan flail every time she sees him, and Sandy blush when Jensen kisses her on the cheek.

It’s not like he’s never noticed that Jensen is attractive, he’d be blind not too. It’s just that… Well, it’s Jensen. The guy who scratches his balls when he thinks no one is looking and can burp the alphabet after two beers. Jensen, who is the best friend Jared’s ever had and the most talented guy he knows. Jensen, who is, above all, a guy, and therefore not really qualified to register on Jared’s sexual radar.

Except suddenly he is. Just. Like. That.

Jared blinks to find Jensen looking at him, all laughter gone from his eyes, and he realizes he must have given something away, somehow. The urge to flee is so strong, his knees twitch, but he forces himself to stay still on the floor, giving Jensen a small smile.

“You hungry?” he says, voice only hitching slightly. “I could order something.”

Jensen looks for a moment like he wants to say something but then he nods and sinks back on the pillows, closing his eyes. “Yeah. Just… not pizza.”

Jared laughs and moves to pull his cell phone out of the pocket of his jeans. With a hiss he withdraws his hand and looks down at it. The dishtowel is soaked through with blood and his hand hurts like a bitch. “Fuck.”

“What?” Jensen mumbles and forces one eye open then sits up in alarm. “Jesus, Jare. You alright?”

“Yeah. I just… Must have been deeper than I thought. Wait here,” he says and stands up. He feels slightly nauseated and dizzy but he’s not about to let Jensen see that.

He grabs the first aid kit from the kitchen table on his way to the bathroom, then sits down on the toilet and unwraps his finger, hissing as it reveals a deep cut in the hollow part between his thumb and index finger. Doesn’t look like it damaged anything since he can still flex his finger, and he doesn’t think it needs stitches. If he can just stop the bleeding, he’ll be alright. But damn that’s a lot of blood…

“Jare? C’mon, Jare. Wake up.”

“Huh?” Jared opens his eyes. Jensen is gazing down at him, face lined with worry. “What happened?”

“Now who’s the wuss?” Jensen says, but the relief in his voice is evident. “You passed out, man. I just heard a crash and found you lying here like a sack of potatoes.”

“You’re not supposed to be walking,” Jared mumbles and struggles to sit up. “Your feet, they’re all fucked up.” His head feels funny, and the room seems to be spinning.

“You’re fucked up, Jare,” Jensen snorts and shakes his head, helping him. “Now you’ve got a bump on your head too. When you gonna stop hurting yourself, huh?”

“Why did you leave that message on my voicemail?” Jared asks back, trying to shake away the clouds in his brain.

Jensen freezes, his hands still wrapped around Jared’s biceps. Jared looks up, confused, and it hits him what he just said. “I mean… shit. I think I might have a concussion,” he blurts out in panic.

Jensen is staring at him, his grip tightening, and then he suddenly lets go, shuffling backwards, face closed off. “We should have you looked at, just to be sure,” he says, voice flat. “And your hand might need stitches.”

He struggles to his feet, wincing as they touch the floor. It must have hurt like hell for him to walk from the living room and to the bathroom, and that realization is what helps Jared make up his mind.

“My hand is fine. My head is fine. I’m just dizzy because apparently, I’m the wuss. Jen…” he says, reaching out for Jensen and only just catching him by the wrist. “Wait.”

“I’ll call a cab,” Jensen says and tries to tug his arm free.

“No. I’m alright. Jen…” Jared loses his grip as Jensen snatches his hand away, pulling it close to his chest as he starts out the door. “Dammit, Jensen, will you stop running away from me!”

Jensen stops, his whole body seeming to vibrate with tension. Everything seems to freeze for a second, and then Jensen’s shoulders suddenly slump, and he turns around. “I’m not…” He sighs and runs his hand over his face. “I was drunk, ok? I didn’t know what I was saying.”

Jared shakes his head. “I don’t believe you. Yeah, alright, yes, you were obviously drunk. But I think you knew exactly what you were saying. And I think you meant it.”

“Jare…”

“Don’t lie to me, man.” Jared suddenly feels so very tired. “Not you. And not to me. That’s not who we are.”

Jensen bites his lip. His eyes flicker from the floor to the mirror and back again. “Then who are we?” he finally says. “What are we? I mean… if I say yes, I did mean what I said, it’s gonna fuck everything up. I can’t… Fuck, Jare, just forget it, ok?”

Jared swallows. “Who says it has to fuck everything up?”

The low laughter is anything but merry. “C’mon, man. Don’t act like you don’t care.”

“Care about what? That you’re gay?” Jared shakes his head angrily. “Is that why you didn’t tell me? Shit, Jen, who the hell do you think I am?”

“It’s not…” Jensen closes his eyes, breathing in deeply before he opens them again, looking weary and defeated. “I know you’re not like that. It’s just… Jared, you’re my best friend, you know that.”

“Yeah, well, I thought I was,” Jared huffs. “Until I found out my best friend doesn’t even trust me enough to tell me he’s gay. How the hell is that supposed to make me feel?”

Jensen blushes. “I’m more bi… I mean, I’ve had girlfriends. I like women. I’m not…”

“Dude, whatever.” Jared would roll his eyes if he wasn’t feeling so damn dizzy. “Gay, bi, it still doesn’t change the fact that you didn’t tell me, man.”

“I’m sorry, ok? I didn’t…” Jensen hesitates. “Look, I didn’t think you’d freak out about me liking guys. That wasn’t it.”

“What was it then?”

“I thought you’d freak out about me liking you,” Jensen says quietly.

Jared breathes out. Now that it’s confirmed, he feels oddly calm about the whole thing. “Ok,” he says. “I get that. And you weren’t wrong. I kinda did, you know, freak out when I heard your message. Because I had no idea.”

Jensen nods, his shoulders slumping even further. He looks utterly defeated. “I wasn’t gonna tell you. I just got so damn drunk. I’m sorry. It’s all my fucking fault.” He rubs his face tiredly. “So, now what? Maybe we can, I don’t know, ask Kripke if he can send Dean on a solo road trip or something. Then you don’t have to…”

Jared blinks. “What are you on about?”

“Look, it’s ok. I get it. You’re freaked and this thing changes everything. I’ll talk to Eric and…”

“I’m not freaked.”

Jensen sighs. “Jare, you just told me you are. It’s ok. You’ve got every right…”

“Jen, shut up. I said I freaked out when I heard your message. That was like two days ago.” Jared waves his hand dismissively. “I’m over it. The freaking out part, I mean.”

“What?”

“I’m over it. No more freaking out. So, you like me.” He shrugs. “That’s alright. Lots of people like me.”

“Erm…  You do realize when I say ‘like you’ I mean…”

“You mean you wanna bend me over and fuck me. Yeah, I got that. I’m not stupid, you know.” Jared gets slowly to his feet. He still feels faintly dizzy and his head is throbbing. “Please don’t tell me you’ve been agonizing over this for two years, Jen.”

Jensen blinks. “Uhm…”

“Jesus.” Jared shakes his head in exasperation. “You should have just told me and we could have skipped this whole bloody mess. And I mean that literally,” he adds and points down. “Damn it, Jen, your feet are bleeding again.”

Jensen looks down. “Only a little.” He raises his head again. “You’re the one dripping blood all over my bathroom floor, jerk,” he says, nodding towards Jared’s hand.

“Well, help me fix it, bitch,” Jared says and sits down on the toilet seat. “The least you can do for perving over my sweet ass for two years without even telling me.”

“Christ, man,” Jensen laughs, his face blushing deep red as he reaches for the first aid kit. “Shut up.”

“Sweet talk will get you nowhere,” Jared says with a grin and then spends the next ten minutes trying not to pass out again while Jensen cleans his wound and wraps gauze and tape around his thumb. Ok, so seeing his own blood kinda makes him feel a little bit woozy. So what?

“I still think we should have you looked at. That bump on your head is quite impressive.”

“I’m fine. I feel a lot better already.” He stands slowly up and this time the room stands still. “See? I’m good. We should eat something. Not pizza,” he adds with a smirk.

“Not pizza,” Jensen agrees and shudders.

He allows Jared to help him back to the couch, hobbling on his injured feet. Jared lets him lie down, and then he checks the soles of Jensen’s feet, pretending not to notice the faint intake of breath as he cradles them gently in his hands. Jensen has nice feet, he finds himself noticing. They’re soft, the skin only slightly thickened at the heels. He wonders what they’d feel like, nudging his own under the covers.

“I need to change the dressing here but otherwise you’re fine,” he says and stands up, fetching the first aid kit from the bathroom. They should just start having one in every room, he thinks, and then realizes that sounds like they’re living together. Well, for all the time they spend together they might as well be. It’s never struck him as odd before, and now it’s all he can think about, how nice it would be to just have Jensen there, all the time.

Jensen keeps still as Jared changes the dressing, eyes closed where he rests against the pillows. When he’s done Jared calls for Chinese, letting Jensen sleep until the food arrives. They eat in silence, the sight of Grissom stoically solving some gross murder case on TV doing nothing to diminish their appetite.

“You want to watch a movie?” Jared asks when he’s dumped the empty containers in the trash.

“Sure.”

Jensen seems drained but the wariness is gone from his eyes, and he looks almost peaceful.

“Or we can talk,” Jared suggests quietly. He expects Jensen to stiffen but he just stares at the TV for a moment and then nods.

“Yeah, ok.”

Jared sits back down on the couch, figuring it will be easier to talk if they’re not facing each other, but to his surprise Jensen turns and plants his bandaged feet in Jared’s lap, eyes studying him thoughtfully.

“There have been times I thought you knew,” Jensen says, face flushing slightly. “I mean, you would look at me and…” He shrugs. “And you kept touching me, like all the time. But then I realized you do that with everyone.”

“Not everyone,” Jared says lamely. “Not… Eric.”

Jensen chuckles. “No. Not Eric. But that’s just because he looks scared to death every time you try.”

“Yeah. Maybe.” Jared averts his eyes, absently rubbing Jensen’s toes between his fingers. “Look, I didn’t mean to lead you on or anything. It wasn’t like that.”

“I know.”

“I mean, even if I’d known you were gay, or bi, whatever, I probably would have been just the same.”

Jensen sighs. “I know, Jare.”

“And you’re wrong, it’s not the same with everyone. You’re not everyone, Jen. You’re… special.”

Jensen snorts, and Jared smiles. “Shut up. I mean it; you are. If it hadn’t been for this gig we never would have met.” Another snort, and Jared flips Jensen a finger. “Ok, so we probably would have met at some point, being in the same business and all, but we might never have gotten to know each other the way we do.” He takes a deep breath. “And that kinda scares me. Because I can’t really imagine my life without you.”

He glances up at Jensen but Jensen is busy studying his hands, rubbing his thumb and index finger together in small circles. It’s a habit he has when he’s nervous, usually during interviews or when girls hit on him. That he’s doing it now, because of Jared… It’s just not right.

“This… thing, it doesn’t change that,” Jared says gently. “Nothing could change that, Jen. You know that, right?”

Jensen nods, nibbling at his lips. “Yeah,” he finally says, his voice low and hoarse. “Yeah, I know. Now. I didn’t… I wasn’t sure before but now I am.”

“Good.” Jared runs his thumb down the row of toes on Jensen’s right foot, smiling when it twitches. They sit in silence for a while; Jensen still rubbing his fingers together while Jared rubs his toes. They really are nice, Jensen’s toes.

It’s getting dark outside, and Jared wonders what time it is. He’s starting to feel sleepy, the last couple of nights catching up on him. He should go home, but he doesn’t really want to move. Maybe Jensen will let him crash on his couch.

“So what did I say?” Jensen suddenly asks, rousing Jared awake. “The message, I mean.”

“You don’t remember?”

“Not really. I didn’t… It wasn’t anything pornographic, was it?” Jensen blushes, his fingers rubbing together faster and faster. Jared has to fight the urge to grab his hand and still them.

“No. Not porny at all. You asked…” Jared chuckles softly. “You asked if I ever thought about you when I was kissing Sandy.”

“Oh God.” Jensen’s fingers finally stop their rubbing, his hands too busy covering his face. “No wonder you freaked out,” he mumbles from between his fingers, shoulders shaking as he laughs in embarrassment.

Jared hesitates but then he says, “Yeah, that wasn’t really what freaked me out.”

“Oh God,” Jensen’s head drops even further. “Please tell me I didn’t say something even worse.”

“No, that was it.”

Jensen peeks from between his fingers. “Then what freaked you out?”

“Well, after that I kinda did think of you, every time I kissed her.”

Jensen goes completely still, and then slowly he lowers his hands. “Fuck. I’m so sorry.”

He starts pulling his feet from Jared’s lap, but Jared holds them still, shaking his head. “It’s ok.”

“No. Shit. You know I love Sandy, man. She’s wonderful. I didn’t mean to… Fuck.”

“I know. It’s ok.” Jared takes a deep breath. “It wasn’t really that either, you know, that freaked me out.”

“Ok, Jare, now you’re freaking me out,” Jensen laughs nervously.

Jared ignores him. “It was more the fact that I wanted to. Kiss you, I mean. That… That freaked me out.”

Jensen freezes. “Oh,” he finally says.

“Yeah.”

“But you said… You’re over it, right? Which is good because…”

“I said I was over freaking out. I never said I was over wanting to kiss you.”

Jensen stares at him. “You’re straight, Jare,” he finally croaks out. “So don’t go saying stuff like that. You can’t… You can’t say stuff like that to me.”

Jared frowns. “Since when do you have a monopoly on wanting to kiss guys?”

“It’s not a joke, Jare. Not to me.”

“Dude, am I laughing?” Jared throws up his hands in annoyance. “I’m kinda having a small sexual crisis here, and you’re being an ass about it.”

“I’m not… What, you find out I want to kiss you, and just like that you turn bi?” Jensen sucks in a trembling breath, lips thinning. “Don’t be stupid, Jare.”

“I’m not the one being stupid, Jen, you are.”

Silence. “You have a girlfriend.” Less anger now and more… sadness.

Jared drops his gaze, looking down at Jensen’s feet still resting in his lap. “I know, I haven’t forgotten. I’m not saying I’m gay or bi or whatever, I’m just…”

He strokes along Jensen’s ankle, breathing slowly as he tries to gather his thoughts. Everything he comes up with sounds stupid, even to him. He doesn’t know how to explain it; he doesn’t even know what it is he’s trying to explain. He just knows he has to, somehow, make Jensen understand.

“I had this dream. Where you… you kissed me. And we did… other stuff.” He hears Jensen groan. “And it felt… it was just…” Taking a deep breath he finally looks up, holding Jensen’s gaze. “It felt right.”

Jensen closes his eyes for a second, swallowing. When he opens them again they look very tired and very old. “It doesn’t mean anything, Jare. It was a dream. In real life… it wouldn’t be the same.”

“I hope not. I kinda don’t want Sandy coming through that door with a chainsaw.”

Jensen chuckles, but it sounds pained. “No, you wouldn’t want that.”

He pauses, tongue slipping out to lick his lips as his eyelashes slowly sweep his cheeks. It’s such an unconscious thing, so innocent in its nervousness, that Jared feels his heart skip a beat. It’s not that he reads everything Jensen does as sexual all of a sudden, it’s more that he’s seeing what it actually is. Not sexual at all. Just… Jensen. Everything… it’s just Jensen. With his quirks and ticks, nervous habits and ways to deal with his own shyness, and the whole world looking at him. Biting his lips and peeking out through the shade of his eyelashes. Ducking his head as if that can hide him from the cameras. Smiling stiffly and dropping deadpan jokes that don’t require him opening up enough to really laugh. No act at all, just Jensen.

As if he can hear Jared’s thoughts, Jensen suddenly looks up, and there’s no shyness now, no awkward hesitation in his eyes, just determination.

“Jared, you can do stuff in dreams that you’d never do otherwise,” he says calmly, a dismissive tone in his voice that makes Jared feel cold, “because it doesn’t matter, and you don’t have to deal with the consequences. Which us really kissing would have plenty of. It’s not the same.”

“I know. I’m just…"

Jensen shakes his head. “No. You love Sandy.’

“Yeah, but…”

“No, Jared.” This time Jared doesn’t try to stop him when Jensen pulls his feet away. He wraps his arms around his knees protectively, chin propped up on them as he gazes sadly at Jared. “Look, I get it. You’re having your moment of sexual curiosity. Everyone does. But even if you weren’t with Sandy… You can’t use me to explore it.”

Jared is taken aback. “Use you? Jen, you already told me you want it. And hey, you were the one who brought it up, made me think of it.”

“I know. And if you want to blame me, that’s fine. But…” Jensen breathes in and then slowly out before looking Jared straight in the eye. “Jared, I didn’t just drunk dial any guy because I was feeling sad and lonely. I called you.”

Jared frowns. “I don’t get it.”

“You want to go gay for a weekend or whatever, then fine.” Jensen shrugs even if the tension in his jaw is anything but carefree. “That’s between you and Sandy. But you can’t do it with me.”

“Why?”

“Because it wouldn’t be fair.”

Jared stares at him, blinking. He’s obviously missing something. Jensen wants him, they’ve already established that, but now he’s saying they can’t go there, even if Jared decided to. “Why?” he finally repeats, feeling increasingly stupid.

Jensen gazes at him, as if he’s not sure if Jared’s playing him or if he’s really that thick. Finally he sighs and looks briefly away before fixing his eyes on Jared again.

“How would you feel if Sandy called right now and told you it’s over, that she was only sleeping with you, because she wanted to try having sex with a Sasquatch?”

Jared decides to let the Sasquatch thing go for now, at least while he’s trying to figure Jensen out. “I’d be angry. And feel hurt and used, because I love–” He stops, eyes widening as Jensen raises one eyebrow. “Oh.”

Jensen’s smile looks sad and tired. “Yeah.”

“You don’t just like me.” It’s not a question.

“No.”

“You… like me.”

Jensen’s Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “Yes.”

“Oh.”

Jared looks down at his hands. His thumb and index finger start rubbing together in tiny fast circles. Huh, it actually is soothing. In an OCD kind of way.

“How long?” he finally asks, and out of the corner of his eye he sees Jensen shrug. His heart plummets. “Please don’t say two years. Please don’t say that.”

“Ok, I won’t say it.”

“Jesus.”

“Yeah.” Jensen’s voice shakes, just a little.

Two years. Two years of being in love with someone who’s too stupid to even notice, Jared thinks. God, he’s such a moron. It’s a wonder Jensen hasn’t laid one on him ages ago.

“So why… What made you…?” He finally manages to look up at Jensen. “I mean, why now?”

Jensen shrugs again but his lips are thin. “It’s stupid.”

“Tell me,” Jared insists, because he needs to know, needs to understand what he did to make Jensen feel so bad he’d thrown all pretense to the wind and drunk himself into a stupor.

Jensen’s quiet for a moment, but then the words suddenly come rushing out, as if they’re too embarrassing to deserve pauses for air. “Shannon said you’d been asking about her engagement ring. She got the impression you were planning to pop the question. To Sandy, I mean. So, I kinda… freaked out. Which apparently involved getting very drunk and very stupid.” He stops and pulls in a deep breath, face red and lips twitching nervously.

Huh. Jared had been interested but not because he was planning on shopping one. It had just been nice seeing Shannon so happy and so he’d asked her about it and the upcoming wedding, enjoying listening to her enthusiastic ramble.

“No. I wasn’t. I’m not. We’re not…” He shakes his head. “No.”

“Why?” Jensen asks, sounding suddenly annoyed. “How long you been together now, Jare? Three years? Isn’t it about time?”

Jared looks at him, surprised. “Dude, I’m only twenty-five. Why would I want to get married?”

“Duh, I don’t know,” Jensen says sarcastically. “Because you love her? Because you want to make an honest woman out of her?”

Jared can’t help laughing at that. “If Sandy got more honest, I’d be scared, man. That girl is not afraid to speak her mind.”

Jensen huffs, for once not joining in on the joke. “You know what I mean.”

“Yeah, I know. And it’s still stupid. Yes, I love her, but…” Jared sighs. He’s had this conversation often enough with his mother, he didn’t expect to have to take this crap from Jensen as well. “I live here nine months out of the year, Jen. She lives in LA. She has her friends and work there. I have mine here. Getting married… It would just be strapping us down in a way that would never work.”

Jensen just shakes his head. “It’s not shackles, Jared, whatever they say. Not like you’re going to prison.”

“It would still change everything. If we were married… I’d want my wife to live with me, not in a different city, like now, sharing a place with girlfriends. Just like I’m pretty sure she’d want her husband to sleep in bed with her every night, not on the other side of the continent. And right now, it’s just not possible. Hell, as long as we have this gig it won’t be.”

“You can’t put your life on hold, season after season,” Jensen argues, stubborn as hell. “Dude, we might be doing this for another two, three, or god forbid, five years.”

“I’m not putting my life on hold, man. I’m living it the way I want to. And so is she.” Jensen’s attitude is really starting to grate him. One minute he’s saying he wants in Jared’s pants, the next he’s trying to push Jared down the aisle with Sandy against his will! “I know people think it’s weird, but we’re just not… we really don’t want to be married. I guess…” He shrugs. “I guess we want to keep our options open.”

“Like going gay for a few days,” Jensen says sarcastically. “Well, that’s awfully Hollywood of you. Sure that’s what Sandy had in mind?”

“Stop it!” Jared snaps, but Jensen just glares at him defiantly. They’re both getting angry now, and it feels all wrong. Why are they fighting? They never fight. What the fuck is Jensen’s problem anyway? “You know, maybe I’m like you. Maybe I’m bi and I just never realized it because…” He swallows, all anger draining out of him as the answer he’s been looking for suddenly becomes clear. “Because there wasn’t anyone to be bi for. Until you.”

Jensen rolls his eyes, but when he answers there’s a tremble to his voice. “So now you’re going from straight to gay to bi to Jensen-sexual? Man, you’d give Freud a run for his money.”

“Doubt it, seeing as he’s dead.” Jared sighs. “Jensen, why are you being like this?"

The sarcastic look on Jensen’s face melts away, and after a moment’s pause he answers quietly, “Because you’re being cruel.”

“I’m being cruel? Dude, what? You’re the one...”

“You’re putting my hopes up,” Jensen shoots back. “That’s cruel. You’re making me think I might have a chance when we both know I don’t. You’re with Sandy, Jared. And even just contemplating this is not fair on her. Or me.”

Oh. Jared stills. He really doesn’t know what to say. He didn’t think of it like that but Jensen’s right. He is being cruel, not consciously, but still. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Don’t do anything.” Jensen looks away, his jaw set. “Forget it. All of it. We’ll just go to work tomorrow and be like always and… Yeah. That’s it.”

“I can’t just…” Jared shakes his head. “My stuff, yeah. I can deal with that on my own if that’s what you want. But, Jen, you’re miserable. Because of me! I mean, how am I supposed to just let that go?”

“I’m not miserable,” Jensen says, annoyed. “I just had a down moment. I’m ok, really.”

“Don’t lie to me, man. You’re not ok. How can you be ok? You’ve been in love with me for two years, and I never even noticed, and now you know I know… I’m not stupid, dude, I know it’s got to be killing you.”

Jensen shrugs, but his lips are a thin line, and Jared can already feel him shutting him out. “I can handle it. I always do.”

There’s something so final about that sentence that Jared doesn’t know what to say. They sit in silence, Jensen staring down at his hands, Jared watching Jensen for any hint to what he’s supposed to do now. Finally, he sighs and quietly gets up from the couch.

“You need help getting to bed?” he asks awkwardly, indicating Jensen’s feet.

Jensen shakes his head. “I’ll manage,” he says and finally looks up, but it’s with a stiff smile and blank eyes. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Uh, sure… yeah.” Jared swallows. “Jen, are you…”

“Go home, Jared,” Jensen sighs. “Get some sleep.”

Jared stands still, feeling for the first time ever as if he’s not wanted in Jensen’s home. That he’s being kindly but firmly pushed away and out of the apartment. He gets this irrational fear that it really means Jensen is pushing him out of his life, that if he walks out that door that’s the end of everything.

“You’re my best friend,” he says quietly. “I don’t want… I mean, I can’t…”

“Jare,” Jensen cuts him off, gently. “We’re ok.”

“Are we?”

“We will be.”

That’s all he is offered, and he takes it greedily, terrified that Jensen is wrong.

Jared spends the night staring up at the ceiling, feeling lost, and guilty and increasingly worried about the state of their relationship, come morning. And then suddenly it is morning, and he's back to last morning's panic except worse, because now he knows. When Jensen emerges from his apartment building, hobbling on feet that are obviously still hurting, Jared has to fight not to jump out of the car to help him. Jensen acknowledges Clif's question of whether he is alright with a grunt, then sits back, as far from Jared as possible, and closes his eyes. Jared catches Clif's worried glance in the mirror, but he can't even muster up a small smile of reassurance. He has no idea where he and Jensen stand, what he's supposed to do or say.

The day only gets worse from there.

Jared visits the set’s medic who patches up the wound on his hand and then it’s expertly covered in makeup until it’s almost invisible. As long as he’s careful not to grab anything too hard, no one can tell. It still stings like a bitch.

Jensen's occasional stumbling is thankfully blamed on his last few days of sickness. Kim sends him increasingly worried glances, but they're already behind schedule, and the powers that be don't take kindly to losing money. Jensen's PA hovers by with a chair so he can sit down between takes, the extras take turn holding an umbrella over his head, because of course it's raining – thank you, Vancouver – and every time Jensen starts to shiver or look in any way more miserable than usual, someone comes running, offering him hot coffee, pastries and candy like he's a dog needing treats. The whole time Jared stays close enough to keep an eye on Jensen but still far enough away that they don't actually have to look each other in the eye, apart from when the script forces them to.

In short, Jared is having the worst day in his whole career. And no one even seems to notice, because, of course, they’re all too busy fussing over Jensen. And no, Jared is not jealous, of course not. He's just really, really frustrated that he's having a crisis of his own, and not a single person knows, apart from the one he's having a crisis about. And that person has obviously decided that ignoring the problem is the best way to make it go away.

The day finally over they go home, still sitting as far apart in the car as they can, still not looking at each other, still not saying anything. As Jensen gets out of the car he throws Jared his well-rehearsed smile, the one for cameras and interviewers that they love but Jared hates because it’s not real, it’s not Jensen, and Jensen should never use it on him. It leaves him angry and hurt, but most of all afraid. What if they never get back to what they were? What if this is it, and how it’s going to be from now on?

He thinks back on Jensen’s sad smile last night, on the, ‘We will be,’ and holds on to it like a lifeline. They will be. They will be. Because they must. Because anything else is impossible.

The week crawls by. Jensen’s feet obviously get better, because he stops limping. His mood gets better as well since, as he said, he can handle it. He smiles, and he laughs, and no one seems to notice that the smile is fake, the laughter acted. Seems Jensen’s way of handling it is, ‘fake it ‘til you make it,’ and Jared can’t help wondering how many times Jensen has done this before, and he didn’t notice. How often Jensen has had to fake a smile, a laugh, with him? Because of something he did? Like blabbered on about how great his weekend was with Sandy or made crude jokes and innuendos about their relationships. And Jensen has had to put on that smile, laugh that laugh, act as if it isn’t breaking his heart.

Suddenly Jared doesn’t feel frustrated anymore. He doesn’t feel angry or left out or lied to. He just feels sad. Sad and guilty and just… He looks at Jensen, with his smile and his easy jokes and his laughter, and he’s filled with this terrible sadness, for Jensen, for what Jensen wants so much but can’t have, but also for himself, for something he didn’t know he was missing but suddenly feels like an empty cavern in his heart.

He catches Jensen watching him with this unreadable look on his face, but as soon as their eyes meet Jensen looks away. Jared wants to walk over, wants to pull Jensen into a hug and tell him none of this matters, he’s his best friend, they’re best friends. The need to say, ‘I love you, man,’ is so strong it becomes a mantra in his mind, echoing over and over again, until he realizes he’s just repeating, ‘I love you, I love you, I love you,’ every time he looks at Jensen.

Oh. Oh.

That night he calls Sandy and they talk. Talk like he can’t remember them ever talking before. About how they feel, what they hope for, where they’re going. Why. The distance makes it easier, on both of them, he hopes. When they say goodbye it’s with tears but also deeper understanding and even lighter hearts. Nothing has been settled, not yet, but it’s given them both food for thought. Two days later Sandy calls him and they talk some more. This time he’s the one who cries, who says things he never thought he would, admits to feelings he didn’t know he had. She’s the strong one, she even laughs and jokes, and at the end of it he knows he’ll never love any other woman like her. They make a decision, together. Because that has always been their strength. When he hangs up, he feels happy, hopeful. But also anxious. Scared. Things are changing, and even when change is good, someone is always left bleeding by the road.

They finally have a couple of days off and the night before, as Jensen is about to slide out of the car, Jared grabs him by the wrists and stops him. “Got a couple of decent steaks. Thinking of firing up the grill tomorrow. You with me?”

Jensen hesitates. His eyes shift toward Clif and then back again. Like he knows Clif will find it weird if he says no. Like he knows that’s exactly why Jared asked him at this moment. “Sure.” He shoots Jared one of his fake smiles. “Eight o’clock?”

“Make it seven,” Jared says, all casual, like his stomach isn’t churning.

“Great. I’ll bring beer.”

“Great.” He reluctantly lets go of Jensen’s wrist, the heat of Jensen’s skin burning his fingertips, the tap-tap-tap of Jensen’s pulse still pounding into his palm.

He’s got the salad ready, a bottle of wine uncorked and breathing, the grill hot, and the steaks waiting. Nothing fancy, just simple. Like them. Like they’ve always been, and he’s hoping with all his heart that they’ll be again.

He agonized over his wardrobe choices, finally settling on jeans and a t-shirt that he knows shows off his chest and shoulders. He’s been working out extra for an upcoming shirtless scene that Eric warned him about but won’t say anything else, except smirk and wink, which makes Jared feel really uncomfortable. In his head he’s still the scrawny kid he saw in the mirror every day growing up. Doesn’t matter that he’s got muscles now that he didn’t even know existed then. But…

He’s caught Jensen shooting him glances since he started filling out– and now he’s seeing that in such a different light – and it might not be fair to use it to his advantage but damn it, he’s going into this with his heart open against all of Jensen’s defenses, he needs some weapons of his own.

He literally jumps when the doorbell rings. Rings! Like Jensen doesn’t have his own key and usually barges in like he owns the place. But that’s not where they’re at right now, and that stings. Just like the cautious look hiding behind Jensen’s stiff smile stings. Painfully enough that Jared falters, and for a moment they just stand there, looking at each other, before the slight downward twitch of Jensen’s lips wakes Jared up from his stupor, and he steps back with a deliberate grin, letting Jensen in.

“I’ve got wine with the steaks but go stick those in the fridge for later,” he says casually, nodding at the six-pack of beer dangling from Jensen’s hand.

“Yessir,” Jensen mock salutes and some of the tension eases.

They talk awkwardly about nothing important as Jared throws the steaks on the grill, each sipping from a glass of red. Jared tries but keeps failing at restraining his eyes from sliding over to Jensen’s lips, at the wine stains left at each corner of his mouth. Finally, Jensen catches him looking, and whatever Jensen was saying chokes in his mouth, his tongue darting out to lick at his lips nervously but never catching the corners, just wetting the plump flesh and, God, why is Jared suddenly sweating like a damn whore in church?

“Jare, leave some red in, man,” Jensen says, his ears going slightly pink when Jared stares at him. “The steaks,” Jensen elaborates, raising his eyebrows, and Jared’s eyes jerk back to the grill.

“Shit. Sorry.” He saves the steaks from damnation, offering Jensen an apologetic smile. “Can you grab my glass?”

Jensen follows him into the living room, a warm presence at his back, and Jared closes his eyes briefly for strength. He puts the steaks on the table and goes to wash his hands before sitting down opposite Jensen, watching him help himself to a moderate portion of salad while Jared tops up their glasses. “Cheers,” he says on a whim, raising his glass.

Jensen glances up at him, putting down the knife he had just picked up and takes his glass in hand, raising it to clink with Jared’s. “Cheers.”

“To us,” Jared adds, feeling awkward when Jensen raises one eyebrow but then he smiles softly and says, “To us,” touching his glass to Jared’s again before taking a small sip.

They start eating and the steaks aren’t the best Jared has offered but they’re ok. Not too dry anyway. They fall silent, busy eating and avoiding each other’s eyes.

“This is great, thank you,” Jensen suddenly says, voice quiet.

“Yeah. We should do this more often,” Jared adds cautiously.

“Because we don’t spend enough time together already,” Jensen jokes, shooting him an amused glance, then dropping his gaze just as quickly but not before Jared sees the bright happiness in his eyes, there and hidden in a flash.

“I can never spend too much time with you,” Jared says honestly.

Jensen looks up, surprised, a hint of pink in his cheeks. He opens his mouth, the carefully blank look in his eyes telling Jared he’s about to make a joke but then he hesitates, swallows, and says, “Yeah. Me too.” Then ducks his head as if that will hide the blush travelling all the way up to his ears.

They finish eating, offering each other small smiles, but the cautious look never quite leaves Jensen’s eyes, and Jared hates it. They used to be open and relaxed around each other, used to be able to talk about anything, and it was never this awkward, never this weird. On his part, he suddenly realizes, because he was clueless and had no idea what was going on behind Jensen’s pretty green eyes.

The clean-up is quick, everything in the dishwasher, and a quick sweep over the table with the dishcloth, before Jared fetches them each a beer and leads the way into the living room. They settle on opposite ends of the couch, the distance between them unusually wide but not unexpected, considering. Jared turns on the TV, and for a few minutes he channel-surfs, aware of Jensen studying him but too nervous to turn his head to meet Jensen’s eyes. Finally, he settles on an old Steven Seagal movie, glancing Jensen’s way to make sure he doesn’t object before putting down the remote.

The silence stretches on, and with every minute the butterflies in Jared’s stomach multiply. He’d been going over this so many times in his head, what he should say, how Jensen might respond, where it might all lead, but now they’re here it all sounds stupid.

“Are you…” he starts then stops before trying again. “Are we ok?” he says, turning his head to watch Jensen go perfectly still. Please don’t say ‘We will be’, he prays. He can’t stand them not being ok for even a minute longer.

For a moment he thinks Jensen isn’t going to answer, and his heart sinks but then Jensen sighs and looks over, smiling softly. “Yeah, Jare, we are. We’re just a bit…”

“Awkward,” Jared supplies helpfully, and Jensen chuckles.

“Yeah. Let’s go with that.”

Jensen rubs the back of his neck before looking back at Jared, the same smile still making those fine lines at the corners of his eyes crinkle. Crow’s feet, Jared thinks, but they’re more like sparrow’s feet, delicate scratches that make Jensen’s eyes look so soft, and his face even more beautiful.

“You really are my best friend,” Jensen says. “I never want to lose that.”

“You won’t,” Jared assures him. “You wouldn’t. No matter what.” He takes a deep breath. “And you’re mine. I love you, man.”

The glint of happiness is there again for just a moment before making way for a hint of sadness that is gone just as quickly, before Jensen’s face settles on a tired smile. “Yeah, me too,” he says, not even a hint of the weight Jared now knows those words carry.

“I need to tell you something,” Jared says, before he loses his nerve.

Jensen’s eyes turn guarded. “Ok,” he says, his lips tugging up on one side, briefly, in a ghost of a smile, as if encouraging Jared to continue.

Jared breathes in slowly. “I broke up with Sandy.”

Jensen freezes, his eyes wide, mouth opening then closing again. “W-what?” he finally stutters. “Why?”

“You were right. We’d never talked about the future, and that’s… that’s not right. Not if you’re with someone you really love. So, we talked and… turns out we don’t have one. Future, I mean. So… yeah.” Jared shrugs, trying for a smile but failing miserably.

Jensen runs a hand over his face, seeming at a loss what to say. Then he shakes his head and moves over, until he’s pretty much plastered to Jared’s side.

“Come here,” he says and puts his arms around Jared, one hand coming up to cradle the back of his head, the other tight around his shoulders. Jared breathes out in relief and sinks into the warm embrace, putting his own arms around Jensen’s waist. He closes his eyes and allows himself to enjoy the heat radiating off Jensen’s skin, his firm body, the smell.... God, Jensen smells so good.

“I’m sorry, man,” Jensen whispers, his voice a little shaky, and Jared wonders if it’s because of genuine regret or because he’s relieved. Seeing the man you’re in love with dating someone else must have hurt.

“It’s ok,” Jared says, and he means it. He really is ok. Sure, a little sad because Sandy is a great girl, and he’s enjoyed her company in many ways, but there’s no grief or real hurt. In fact, he’s a little relieved. Truth be told, he’s always enjoyed the weekends he got to spend with Jensen more than the ones he spent with Sandy. Despite the sex which was awesome if a little… careful. He’s a big guy, and she’s a tiny girl, half the time he was afraid he’d break her.

Something he wouldn’t have to worry about with Jensen, a little voice supplies helpfully, and he shuts it down. They’re not there. Not yet. Might never even get there. But the possibility intrigues him. They’ve done their share of sparring and Jensen might not reach him in inches, but he more than makes up for it in muscles. He’s surprisingly strong for being pretty lazy about working out, unless he has to for an upcoming shirtless scene, and even then he never bothers going for a six pack. He’s got a soft layer of tummy fat over a hard board of muscles which Jared has felt under his fingers every time he tickle-attacks Jensen. Same with his chest, it has soft pecs over hard planes. Perfect for digging his tickling fingertips into. Or licking, suggests the small voice, and Jared’s stomach goes hot.

He's so lost in thought it takes him a moment to realize Jensen has lowered his arms, and is waiting for Jared to let go as well. Embarrassed Jared pulls away, rubbing a hand over his face to hide the blush staining his cheeks.

“You ok?” Jensen asks, sounding worried.

Jared nods. “Yeah, just…” He laughs. “You give the best hugs.”

Jensen looks away quickly but not before Jared catches a small happy smile tugging at his lips. “Shut up.”

“I mean it. I know I’m the one that keeps climbing you like an octopus, but you… I just love your hugs.”

“I think you meant to say monkey there,” Jensen says, amusement sparkling in his eyes. “Don’t think octopuses climb.” He frowns. “Octopi?”

“Pussy or pie, I hear they work the same,” Jared jokes, grinning when Jensen laughs.

“I think Dean is rubbing off on you,” he says. He still hasn’t moved away, his thigh pressed up against Jared’s, all warm and comforting.

“Oh, I wish he would,” Jared dares. “He’s one hot dude.”

 “Jesus,” Jensen says, his laughter sounding a little strangled. “That’s how it’s gonna be, huh?”

He doesn’t sound pissed though, just a little exasperated, maybe a little resigned. Tired. Like he expected this to turn into a joke, like everything else between them, and he’s just too tired to fight it.

“Yeah,” Jared says calmly. “If that’s alright with you.”

Jensen looks at him, a puzzled frown between his eyebrows that smooths out as his eyes slightly widen, before his face goes blank. “Jared,” he warns and starts moving away but Jared is quicker, splaying his hand on Jensen’s thigh and keeping him still. “Jared,” Jensen repeats but this time it’s pained, like he can’t understand why Jared is tormenting him.

“Jensen,” Jared says softly. “I’m being serious.”

“Jared, stop. You just broke up with your girlfriend.” Jensen’s jaw ticks, and he looks away. “And you’ve been drinking."

Jared rolls his eyes. “C’mon, man, don’t insult me. I’m not drunk. And I’m not on the rebound. I’m…” He takes a deep breath. “I really like you, Jen. Really.”

It doesn’t have the effect he hoped. Instead of that glimpse of happiness again, Jensen grits his teeth. “We talked about this. You can’t do this, Jare. You can’t…!” Jensen huffs out a breath and hides his face in his hand. “Fuck. I can’t believe you.”

“Why?” Jared asks. “Why can’t you believe that I like you? That I’m… That you are just that amazing that I can’t look at you without wanting to kiss you.” Jensen snorts and Jared bristles, hurt clenching his heart. “Don’t. It’s not a joke.”

“No, it’s not. It’s not a joke, it’s not funny,” Jensen says, his voice flat. “This is not a fucking sitcom with me the pathetic gay sidekick pining for the hero.”

“Like I’d watch that,” Jared scoffs, which at least makes Jensen chuckle, even if it sounds strained. “Actually, I’m hoping it’s the romcom where the clueless jock finally realizes he is in love with the nerdy girl,” Jared adds, squeezing Jensen’s thigh.

Jensen grimaces but it’s halfhearted. “Which one am I in this chick-flick scenario?”

“Well, the girl, obviously,” Jared says, grinning. “I’m the one with all the muscles. And you are the absolute prettiest girl of all.”

“Jesus. Shut up,” Jensen laughs, and Jared can feel him relaxing slightly into his side. “I’m not nerdy.”

“No, but you do look hot in your glasses. That counts.”

Jensen closes his eyes briefly, breathing deeply. When he opens them again they’re so deep green even Jared is startled, and he’s stared into those eyes more often than he now realizes is normal for a guy that thought he was 100% straight.

“Jared?"

Jared swallows. “Yeah?”

“Just…” Jensen hesitates. And then he leans over and kisses him. Softly on the mouth.

Jared is so stunned it takes him a moment to realize what is happening. Jensen is already pulling away, the still wine-stained corners of his mouth set in a firm line, like this was the outcome he’d expected and has now had confirmed. Like he’d been making a point. Which is really not fair, because he hadn’t given Jared even a moment to prepare, and how is anyone supposed to be able to think when they’ve got Jensen motherfucking Ackles kissing them?

Annoyed, Jared grabs Jensen’s head between his hands and crushes their lips together. Jensen lets out a small sound, like the air has been punched out of his lungs, and then he kisses back, hard and desperate. It turns frantic, teeth clicking, tongue sliding, bodies twisting until they’re as pressed together as they can be sitting side by side, Jensen’s hands paw at Jared’s chest before fisting his shirt like Jensen’s afraid he’ll run away. Which is the furthest thing from Jared’s mind. In fact, his mind is too occupied with thoughts of ‘Oh God, I’m kissing Jensen!’ and ‘His lips are so soft,’ and ‘Yes, this!’ to even have room for any kind of panic.

It's Jensen that finally lets go and judging from the soft panting it is only because he ran out of air. He rests his head on Jared’s shoulder, body trembling with every inhale, and when he finally speaks his voice sounds wrecked. “Please tell me you really want this. Please.”

“I really want this. I really, really want this,” Jared says, his own voice like nothing he’s ever heard before. But then again, he can’t remember ever feeling like this. He can’t even describe it, it’s just consuming, exhilarating, and terrifying, all at once. But not even an ounce of all those emotions are any kind of doubt. “I really, really, really want you.”

“Jesus,” Jensen breathes.

And then they’re kissing again, slower this time but just as amazing, with Jensen’s tongue licking Jared’s lips apart to breathe warm air and soft happy sounds right into his mouth. God, Jensen is really good at kissing! Like, so good Jared feels dizzy with it, and he can’t remember that happening since the first time he kissed a girl and almost passed out, because he forgot to breathe. Although, this is the first time he’s kissed a guy so maybe it’s to be expected. Adding the fact that this is not just any guy, this is Jensen, beautiful, amazing, his best friend in the whole world Jensen… There’s no wonder he feels like he’s floating on clouds.

This time when they part Jensen falls rather than sits back, chest heaving as he closes his eyes, like he’s fighting to compose himself. One hand still rests on Jared’s neck, fingers carding gently through his hair, so Jared feels pretty confident Jensen is not actually pulling away.

“You ok?” he asks softly, putting his hand back on Jensen’s thigh.

Jensen nods. He takes a deep breath, and then he turns his head, looking at Jared and this time it’s not just a glint of happiness, it’s a steady bright light shining in his eyes. “You’re really sure?”

Jared nods. There’s suddenly a lump in his throat. He wants to pull Jensen into his arms and never, ever let him go. “I am,” he says. “I’ve been… These last couple of weeks, you’re all I’ve been able to think about. And I know what you’re gonna say, that it’s too soon, but…” He takes a deep breath. “Jen, you became my best friend on day one. Taking this extra step was the easiest thing in the world. Once I realized it was an option.”

Jensen gazes at him, his breathing so soft it sounds barely there. “I need you to be sure,” he finally says, voice quiet and fearful. “I need for you to be absolutely sure, because if you’re not… You’re gonna break my heart, man.”

“I’m sure. I am,” he stresses when Jensen still looks hesitant. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you so bad, the fans are gonna go batshit watching last week’s scenes because hell if I could hide it.”

“I thought I was just imagining it. Projecting,” Jensen says softly. “I was so damn scared I’d ruined everything.”

“Not ruined,” Jared assures him. “So far from ruined.” He leans over, and then they’re kissing again. It feels like coming home.

“You know we have to… You know we can’t tell anyone,” Jensen says later, much later, when they’re lying on the ridiculously large couch that Jared has never been as happy about buying. He’s on his back, with Jensen tucked in under his arm, Jensen’s head on his shoulder, legs entangled. Jensen is fiddling with Jared’s hair, his warm fingers every now and then brushing Jared’s ear, making him shiver.

“I know,” he says and tries to imagine how they will manage to hide when he can’t even look at Jensen now without wanting to kiss him, without feeling like his heart is going to burst out of his chest. “Would be nice though. I’m just saying, half our fans already think we’re together,” he adds when Jensen makes a distressed noise.

“It’s the other half that matters,” Jensen says. He sounds tired. “And the producers, the directors, the damn money wielding machine. Believe me, I’ve been over it so many times in my head. You think I like living like this?”

“No, of course not. I just meant…” Jared sighs. “How am I supposed to hide how I feel about you?”

“If I can do it, you can. And I’ve been doing this a long time.” Jensen seems to hesitate, then adds. “You’re not my first gay crush, you know.”

“I didn’t expect me to be. I mean, you’re almost thirty, man.” He laughs when Jensen flicks his ear. “Who was it? You don’t have to tell me, I’m just curious,” he adds when Jensen stays silent.

“It’s not that, I don’t care if you know. Just… Wasn’t just one. Like you said, I’m not a kid, and I realized what I was pretty early on. Never did much though,” he says quietly. “You know what it’s like, back home.”

“Yeah,” Jared says even if he’s never had to think about it. He remembers a few kids that were rumored to be queer back when he was still in school. Remembers the mocking, and bullying, and never doing a damn thing about it, because he didn’t see it as his problem. Remembers feeling a little bad when they inevitably turned up with bruises and split lips but thinking that they should just have been better at keeping it to themselves. And now he feels deeply, deeply ashamed for his lack of compassion, his cowardice, his complicity. “Do your parents know?”

Jensen shudders. “Oh God, no. They’d disown me, I’m not kidding about that. Mac knows, though. But only because she came out to me first. She has a boyfriend now but there was a time… Guess it runs in the family. Somewhat.”

“Huh. Do you talk about it? You and Mac, I mean?”

Jensen shrugs. “Not much. She did ask me about you shortly after we started this gig. Guess I’m pretty obvious, once you know.” Jared can feel Jensen’s cheek heating where it presses into his shoulder.

“That’s what worries me,” Jared admits. “Not you, you’ve got this whole hiding thing down. But me… I’m not that good of an actor.”

“Don’t give me that crap, you’re a great actor,” Jensen says, managing to sound proud and annoyed at the same time.

Jared can’t help smiling. No one ever makes him feel as good about his acting as Jensen does, not even his mama, and she’s obligated to boost his ego. “Thanks, man. And yeah, ok, but I can’t act 24/7. I mean, I already look at you like you hung the moon.” And there’s that heat again, warming his shoulder.

“You’ll get used to it,” Jensen says, tilting his head up to kiss Jared’s jaw. “We just have to steer you clear of the cameras while you get there.”

“Uhm, you do remember what we do for a living? Plus there’s the convention next month.”

Jensen groans and hides his face in Jared’s shoulder. “Fuck. I don’t know. I don’t know, man. We’ll have to figure something out.” He breathes a few times, then murmurs, “If you still think it’s worth it.”

“I do,” Jared assures him, tightening his arm around him. “I’d do everything to have this. And this,” he adds and kisses Jensen’s temple. “And this and this and this…” Peppering Jensen’s face with kisses, finally landing on his lips, and then they don’t talk any more.

It’s going well, far as Jared can tell. They’re a little awkward at first, but then they have been for the last two weeks so when they finally start to loosen up and joke around a bit, start smiling and daring to actually look at each other, Jared thinks he can see a wave of relief wash over the crew.

The trouble is, once he’s got his eyes on Jensen, it’s very hard to look away. He’s just so damn beautiful. Seriously, it’s not fair. Especially when they yell cut, and Dean falls away, revealing Jensen’s soft smile, the crinkles in the corners of his eyes, the sheer happiness that radiates off his whole being… How is Jared supposed to not stare at that? To not gaze at Jensen like he’s the damn love of his life? Especially as Jared is starting to think he just might be.

“Jared, a word,” Kim says as they’re about to go on their lunch break. Jared wouldn’t have thought anything of it – Kim often offers them small tidbits of advice for scenes he believes they can do better – if Jensen hadn’t stumbled, his face going slightly pale under the freckles and makeup. Oh. Shit.

Jared bumps his hand reassuringly into Jensen’s, as if by accident, before turning around with a smile on his face. “Sure. What’s up?”

Kim puts a hand on his elbow and steers him a little away from the crew. “Listen, kid,” he says, voice warm and quiet. “We all know Sam loves his brother, but he’s not supposed to actually love his brother. So maybe tone it down a notch, huh?”

Jared swallows. “I don’t know what you mean,” he says stupidly.

Kim just looks at him. “I love you boys. And I’m happy to see you finally put Jensen out of his misery, because… well, it was getting just painful. This is not about that. You know?”

He can feel his face turn red. “Uh… Ok.”

Kim’s smile is sad but reassuring. “No one is going to tell. We’re a family, on and off set. But I can’t present the mothership with shots that read like late night HBO. You get my drift?”

Jared licks his lips and nods. “I think so.”

“Great.” Kim claps him on the back. “Now go, before Jensen has a heart attack.”

“Ok. Uhm, thanks?”

“No problem. Just… be careful,” Kim adds, face serious. “I’d hate for the press to get their teeth into you boys. It’s a cruel, cruel world out there.”

“Yeah. Uhm, Kim?”

“I won’t tell anyone. Far as I know, you’re just brothers, on and off screen. Suffering from unhealthy codependency up the wazoo.” He grins.

“That’s one way to put it,” Jared mumbles, waving as he sets off after Jensen who has been making the slowest trek known to man across the lot, shoulders so tense Jared’s hurt just looking at them. “It’s ok, we’re ok,” he says quietly as soon as he reaches Jensen’s side. “Kim’s cool.”

“Kim’s cool?” Jensen hisses, looking even more stressed. “What’s that mean?”

“It means he has some idea we might be more than friends, but he won’t tell anyone and doesn’t care as long as he doesn’t have to explain to Eric why his monster hunting brothers look like they want to fuck each other’s brains out.”

Jensen’s face goes deadly pale. “What??” he squeaks.

“I mean, he didn’t say that, but it was implied. Come on, not here,” Jared says, pulling Jensen along into his trailer.

Once inside Jensen falls rather than sits down on the couch, like his legs can’t hold him any longer. He hides his face in his hands, his breathing short and stuttered. When he finally raises his head, he looks devastated. “This is my fault. I never should have told you. Fuck! Fifteen years I’ve been doing this, and the minute I tell you–”

“Dude, you’re blaming me?” Jared says incredulous. “If you wanna know, Kim was happy for us, because, and I quote, watching you pining was ‘getting just painful’. So yeah, maybe not so good at hiding after all, huh?”

Jensen blinks. “Kim said that?”

“Yep. According to him I ‘put you out of your misery’,” Jared says, feeling smug until he notices Jensen’s face has turned even more ashen. “Hey, it’s alright. He’s not gonna tell anyone.”

Jensen draws in a shaky breath. “I know. But if he noticed then… Shit!”

Oh. “Maybe he’s just an extraordinary perceptive person,” Jared tries, but Jensen shakes his head. “What do you wanna do? We can… I mean, if you want, we can just go back to how we were before.”

“How is that going to help?” Jensen asks. He looks like he wants to cry and it’s just awful.

“I can maybe ask Sandy back, and you could… I mean, there has to be some girl out there that’s not repulsed by your ugly mug,” Jared jokes but Jensen doesn’t even smile, not even when Jared lamely adds, “Especially if you pay her.”

“Is that what you want?” Jensen asks, eyes on the floor.

“No. I want you. I already told you.”

“That was before–” Jensen starts but Jared is not having it.

“Before someone noticed how much in love with you I am? Well, they were bound to sooner or later. Just didn’t expect it to be this much sooner,” he admits grudgingly. “Like, on the first day.” He shrugs when Jensen stares up at him. “Told you I wasn’t that good of an actor.”

“You’re a great actor,” Jensen says again, blinking rapidly. He looks oddly dazed. “You’re just a crap liar. You’re in love with me?”

Jared frowns. “Well, duh. I told you that already.”

“No, you didn’t.”

And then Jensen’s face breaks out in a smile so radiant, it lights up the whole damn trailer. So of course, Jared just has to kiss him.

“So, no going back then?” Jared asks hopeful when they lie breathless a little later, Jensen wrapped up in his arms.

“No. Got a plan B?” Jensen sighs and rubs his cheek against Jared’s shoulder. “’Cause, dude, if we’re that obvious we need to do something or we’re gonna lose this gig.”

Jared hesitates. “Well, I know one thing we have to do. But it’s gonna suck.”

“You sure? I can do it if you’d rather,” Jared asks.

Jensen sits staring at his phone, his face pale but when he looks up his eyes are determined. “I think it better come from me. I’m the oldest,” he adds with a shaky smile.

Jared huffs. “Jerk.”

The “Bitch,” is automatic, and seems to relax Jensen some, like he’s slipping into the role he needs to play to get through this. Not quite Dean but somewhere in between. Borrowing Dean’s bravado but keeping Jensen’s cool head.

“Ok,” Jared says, putting a hand on Jensen’s knee. “But I’m right here. Any time you wanna hand that phone over, I’m ready.”

Jensen nods. Then he takes a deep breath and selects Eric’s name from his contacts list. He visibly jerks when it answers on the first ring, as if he’d been secretly hoping Eric would be too busy to answer. “Oh. Hey, man. Do you have a minute? No, everything is fine. No no, Dean is fine. You know how much I love all the angst.”

He rolls his eyes at Jared who cracks a smile despite the butterflies in his stomach making him nauseated.

“This is more personal. No, I don’t need another day off. No, it’s not… Eric, how about I talk, and you just listen for a minute, ok? Ok. So, here’s the thing…” He looks up at Jared and holds his gaze, licking his lips before forcing out, “Me and Jared, we’re sort of… involved.”

There’s silence for what seems like an eternity, with their eyes never leaving each other as they hold their breaths. Then Eric sighs, loud enough that Jared hears it over the line, and says, “So, Jared finally bought a clue, huh?”

Jensen blinks. “What?”

“He’s there, right? Put me on speaker.”

Jensen slowly puts the phone down on the table and hits the speaker button. He looks too stunned to speak so Jared jumps in and says, “Hey, Eric. We’re listening.”

They can hear Eric let out another loud sigh. “Ok, kids, here’s the thing. We sort of already made plans for this happening.”

“You… What?” Jensen is blinking so rapidly, Jared puts a hand on his back, in case he might be passing out.

“I mean, we saw this coming from day one. Not ideal with you two playing brothers but what can you do? Honestly, I thought we would be having this conversation a year and a half ago.”

“That’s my fault,” Jared says quickly. “I only just realized.”

“Really?” Eric sounds honestly perplexed. “I thought you were supposed to be smart, kid.”

“Apparently not that smart,” Jared admits, smiling at Jensen, who is slowly regaining his color.

“Huh. So all the eyefucking Sam and Dean have been doing these last two years was just, what, normal to you?”

Jared blinks. “Uhm…”

Eric clears his throat. “Doesn’t matter. Look, guys, seeing as we’ve gotten away with that for two seasons already, I’m not too worried we’re gonna get accused of promoting incest.”

Jensen visibly winces and Jared pats his back reassuringly, there, there.

“Notice I said not too worried,” Eric continues. “It could still happen, especially if… well, if that was before you guys were dating. Christ. Anyway, bottom line, boys, what you do in your private lives is none of my business. Just try to keep it off camera as much as you can.”

“That’s it?” Jensen asks, looking faint.

“What, you thought I’d fire you? I’m not crazy! Without you two there wouldn’t be a Supernatural. Guys, you are Sam and Dean. We lucked out when we got you two. I’m not gonna kill my own show, just because you two idiots fell in love. I mean, that’s what the show is all about, love. Although maybe not this carnal,” he adds as if to himself.

“Right. No. Sure,” Jared rambles since Jensen seems to have again lost his ability to speak.

Eric clears his throat. “Ok. Listen… I want you to know, if it gets out, or if you come out, if that’s what you want to do, I will support you one hundred percent. Seriously. I will fight for you, tooth and nail. But the powers that be… They will probably kill the show. So just keep that in mind. If you could at least keep it on the downlow while I finish my five-year arc, that would be great.” He laughs. “I’m kidding! Sort of.”

“Yeah, of course,” Jared says, rubbing Jensen’s tense back. “And thank you. That means a lot.”

Eric hums. “Honestly, I’m sorry this is an issue. Someday it won’t be, and God knows that can’t come soon enough. I’m damn tired of seeing people I care about being miserable. I can only imagine how exhausted you are.”

Jared looks at Jensen whose flushed face suddenly looks more than tired. More than exhausted. “Yeah,” Jared says. “Thanks, Eric.”

“No problem. So, I’m guessing there’s a reason you decided to tell me. Did something happen I need to handle?”

Jensen clears his throat, blinking his eyes that are suspiciously shiny. “No, nothing like that. It’s–”

“We finally kissed this weekend, and now I can’t stop staring at Jensen’s pretty face,” Jared blurts out.

Jensen groans. “Seriously, man?”

“What? It’s the truth! Kim noticed, and we’re thinking other people might have, too. So, we thought you better hear it from us first,” Jared wraps it up quickly before he loses his nerves.

“Ah.” Eric is silent for a moment. “Only this weekend? Really? Wow. Really?” He clears his throat. “Like I said, we did plan for this. We added a confidentiality agreement as soon as we saw where you two were heading. I mean, our crew is great, and they seem to genuinely like you guys. I don’t really believe they’d run to the press but… better safe than sorry. So, if you do slip up, at least we shouldn’t be reading about it in the tabloids the next day. Hopefully.”

Jensen swallows. “Yeah. Ok. Thanks.” His face has turned a lovely shade of crimson. Jared really wants to kiss him.

“Other than that, I’d say you should just keep on doing what you’ve been doing. You know, playing it up for jokes. Just lay it on thick and you should be ok. Denying rumors never worked for anyone, but you two have seemed gay for each other for so long, by now no one really believes it to be true.”

“Except the fans,” Jensen and Jared say in unison.

Eric chuckles. “Right. Crazy the lot of them. Or not, as it happens. So, you do your thing and then… we’ll just cross our fingers and hope for the best.”

“Ok,” Jensen says softly. “Eric… thank you.”

“Just doing my job. But hey,” he adds just as Jensen is about to hang up. “I am really happy for you two.”

“Thank you,” Jared repeats, since Jensen has hidden his face in his hands.

“Ok. Talk to you boys later.”

There’s silence for a long while after Eric hangs up. Finally Jensen looks up at Jared, face flushed. “So, that happened,” he croaks out.

“Yeah.” Jared puts his arm cautiously around Jensen’s shoulders. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think…” Jensen laughs softly. “Wow.” He rubs a hand over his face. “Fifteen years, man. I just never… Shit.”

“But it’s good, right?”

Jensen smiles, nodding. “Yeah. Yeah, it’s… It’s unbelievable actually. It’s… wow.” He laughs. “He wasn’t even mad.” Jensen shakes his head like he just can’t believe it.

“Is this happening too fast?” Jared asks, suddenly worried. “What if you decide, now you have me, I’m actually not that much of a catch, and you outed yourself for nothing?”

Jensen snorts. “You’re kidding, right? I’ve had two years to get to know you intimately, including how godawful your farts smell.” He averts his eyes, fingers plucking at a hole in his jeans. “I’m more worried about you. Two weeks ago you were clueless to all of this.”

“Dude, I’m not experimenting. Or whatever you’re scared off.” Jared sighs when Jensen still won’t look at him. “Jesus, Jen, I am physically restraining myself from jumping your bones right now. And that includes the one between your legs. I have no problem at all with you being a guy.”

“You say that now…” Jensen argues quietly and man, Jared has had enough of this.

“How long until we have to be back?”

Jensen frowns. “I don’t know. Fifteen minutes? Why?”

Jared slides to the floor, pushing Jensen’s knees apart, and starts working on Dean’s jeans, Jensen’s gravelly, “Dude!” only adding to the thrill. Jensen is like the most beautiful guy Jared has ever seen but Dean… Dean is dangerous, powerful, and so fucking hot.

“Jare, what the fuck are you doing?” Jensen hisses but Jared notices he’s not slapping Jared’s hands away. “We can’t… You can’t… Oh God!”

So, here’s the thing. Dicks taste totally different than pussies. Jared should have known, he’s tasted his own often enough when slicking up his palm for jerking off. And still it takes him by surprise just how different it is. Not just the taste, or the shape of something going in his mouth instead of his tongue going into places, or the fact that he’s not getting as much hair in his mouth. He’s used to juices, and slickness, and knowing where to put his tongue and how hard or fast. But this… Jared really wishes he’d paid more attention all the times he’s had this done to him. It’s just that he was kinda too busy enjoying it to be taking notes.

But despite having no idea what he’s doing and worrying about leaving a pool of drool in Dean’s jeans that they will have to explain, he’s actually not that bad at it, he thinks. He’s always been a very oral person, hardly a break goes by that he’s not sucking something into his mouth, and although this is more salty than sweet – and a lot bigger than your average piece of candy – he actually likes it. Especially since his candy has never shown the kind of appreciation that Jensen is lavishing on him in various kinds of grunts, and groans and moaning of his name. Although, yes, he could do without the choking and gagging when Jensen accidentally pulls on his hair, shoving his dick far down Jared’s throat as he comes, but all in all, it’s actually pretty great, for his first gay sex experience.

“Oh God. Oh God,” Jensen is still panting, head thrown back on the couch, when Jared pulls back, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand. “You… Oh God!”

“Good?” Jared asks anxious. “I mean, good enough? I just went for it. I’ll get better!”

Jensen opens his eyes. His cheeks are flushed red, his lips are bruised where he’s been biting them – and damn, makeup is not gonna be happy about that – but what makes Jared’s stomach swoop like a drunken swallow is the pure look of adoration in Jensen’s eyes. “Good doesn’t even describe it,” he says hoarsely. “Fuck, man. Your mouth!”

Jared grins. “Says the man with the cocksucking lips. I’m looking forward to finding out if they live up to their name, by the way.”

Jensen blushes deep red. “Fuck you. My lips have the least to do with it. It’s my awesome tongue and gag-free throat. I’ll milk your damn dick until your balls run dry.”

Jared swallows. His cock, that was already having lots of fun, is suddenly trying to make a break of it out of Sam’s pants. Thank God they’re roomy. “Now?” he asks, voice strangled.

Jensen smirks but then he checks his watch and groans. “Fuck. No, not now.” He sends Jared an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, baby, but if we don’t get back like right now, they actually might fire us.”

“Fuck,” Jared agrees breathlessly.

He watches Jensen tuck himself back in before getting up on shaky legs and offering Jared a hand. “C’mon, sweetheart. I’ll blow you tonight when we get home, I promise.”

Jared takes the offered hand, his own legs suddenly unsteady just from the thought of it. “I’ll hold you to that,” he says, adjusting his dick in his pants. Damn, it’s uncomfortable. Think of blood and gore. Of beheaded vamps. Of Eric wearing those Speedos at last summer’s pool party. Ok, that’s better.

“You good?” Jensen asks, and the gravel in his voice almost has Jared at full flag again, but he wills it down.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” He shifts on his feet, grimacing a little. “It will hold.”

“I was actually talking about your throat,” Jensen says, looking amused and guilty at the same time. And more than a little turned on. “I didn’t mean to go at you like that. I just… lost it.”

“Pfft, I’m fine,” Jared says, only now noticing that his throat is actually pretty sore, and his voice sounds a little like he’s been living on nothing but whiskey and cigarettes. Which is when he remembers they forgot to eat. Shit.

“Think we have time to grab a bite? I’m starving.”

Jensen checks his watch again. “Depends. How much can you eat in five minutes?”

“So, Jared, you guys are really close. Almost like real brothers.”

The microphone is thrust into his face, and he blinks, trying to think of something to say that doesn’t include the word incest. “Yeah. I mean, we spend so much time together, it’s inevitable. At this point it’s either kiss or kill, you know. And Jensen is far too pretty to kill.” Is it too much? No, judging by her giggles it’s just right. Play it up and no one will believe it. Works like a charm.

“Well, your bromance is really cute. I know the fans enjoy it a lot. Oh, look. There is your better half.”

“Me?” Jensen says, bumping Jared with his shoulder as he slides up to him. Jared’s arm slips automatically around Jensen’s shoulders, pulling him tight. “No no, this one, he’s the better one. I mean, bigger one. Have you seen him? Ten feet of handsome.” Jensen shakes his head, looking solemn. “Can’t compete with that.”

“Aw, honey. You know you’re the pretty girl in this relationship. And you’re plenty big where it counts. His heart,” Jared says, when Jensen’s face turns red. “What? What you think I was talking about?”

“You guys are a hoot! Well, enjoy the panel, and I hope to talk to you both again soon.”

The microphone and cameras sweep to catch the next B-star coming along, and Jared steers Jensen away before he has an aneurysm on the red carpet. “That went great,” he says cheerfully.

“I’m gonna kill you,” Jensen hisses. “Slowly.”

“With your tongue?” Jared asks hopefully, but Jensen just glares at him. “Oh c’mon, it wasn’t that bad.”

“You told them I had a big dick, Jare. On camera. My mom watches these interviews!”

Jared shrugs. “Well, she’s your mom, I assume she already knows. Ow! Stop pinching me!”

“Kill you! Slowly!” Jensen mutters. “I mean it, Jare, you are dead!”

“Very much looking forward to it,” Jared tells him, grinning when the cameras start snapping as soon as they walk into the public area. “Now, be a good boy and smile for the fans.”

He keeps his arm tight around Jensen’s neck and wraps a leg around Jensen’s hips, feeling Jensen’s dick strain against the soft fabric of his slacks and poke his thigh as he humps him like a monkey. Jensen just puts on his longsuffering face, so Jared decides to up the game, licking Jensen’s ear and enjoying the soft shiver running through Jensen’s body. All while the cameras go click, click, click.

Tomorrow the internet will be peppered in pictures of them looking more couple-y than most of Hollywood’s official sweethearts. All open, and heartfelt and hiding in plain sight. Bromance, it really is the best thing ever.

fin