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Janus always knew what they meant. There was no hiding anything from the literal embodiment of Deceit.
He remembered Thomas sat in a church pew between his parents, Patton and Janus sat side by side in the pew behind them. He had watched Thomas listen intently to the story of Adam and Eve, to the tale of a devil disguised as a snake whom led them to their downfall from grace. There’d been a slight tingle in his cheek, sending a shiver down his spine. Out of the corner of his eye, he’d watched Patton latch onto every word of the sermon. He could feel his chest constrict with dread.
After the mass, he sank back into the mindscape to find the nearest mirror. The beginnings of what appeared to be reptilian scales seemed to be sprouting from his once smooth skin. He could feel his heart pounding in his chest, and the dread rising up in him like bile. At the unnerving sensation and sight, Janus did what he did best— hide the truth. He tore a few scales from his face, wincing in pain and letting out an uncharacteristic hiss. The sound echoed in his ears. He immediately knew.
He remembered the playground— the other little boys rough housing, while a timid Thomas tried to do anything but be involved. It left Virgil curled up in a shaking mass on the floor and Patton a crying mess, leaving Janus to fend for their person. Fighting back was the only way to play the game and leave unscathed.
Afterward, when the teachers came over to corral the children, they’d asked if Thomas had been involved in the fighting and could give them some more insight. And if Thomas lied through his teeth, then it was to protect himself, yes? What was so wrong with that? If a little boy on the playground told a frivolous lie about a fight he didn’t even want to be a part of, was it really so bad?
Apparently so, as the teachers scolded him and put him in timeout for his dishonesty.
Janus could feel his skin prickle, as more scales grew in, this time not only on his cheek, but the entire left side of his body. The hot tears streaming down Thomas’s face as he was made to sit in the corner by himself were’t entirely his own, as Janus too could feel the waterworks of his eyes bursting at the seams.
From there on, the scales only spread, and no amount of wearing and tearing at himself could rid himself of them. With every lie Thomas was caught in, every time he acted in a way deemed “selfish”, even doing something as trivial as taking the last cookie instead of giving it to someone else or even just cancelling plans with a friend to have more time to himself— Janus’s newfound scales only burned.
It wasn’t a painful sensation, but rather a crippling reminder of what he was and who he’d always be. Evil.
The only truly painful sensation however, was that of when Patton would scold him, his wide teary eyes accusatory. It made Janus sick to his stomach to have someone of such warm temperament, look to him with such disdain. To hear harsh words and scathing critiques from the literal embodiment of all that is light and good.
“Janus?”
He snapped back to the present, to which he was greeted with those same wide eyes, this time filled with gentle concern.
“Janus, you alright dear?”
Patton quirked his eyebrow.
“Yes, I’m quite fine, thank you.”
Janus cleared his throat before responding. With his room door open, he was able to lie easily as it’s truth-serum like effects were dormant when not fully concealed.
Patton chuckled warmly, his eyebrow still raised in question.
“Well alright kiddo, if you say so.”
Janus stared blankly at the bubbly man stood in his doorway, a slightly opened container in hand. Janus’s blank stare faltered as he caught a whiff of what he presumed to be Patton’s famous chocolate chip cookies.
“Is there something you wanted?”
He asked curtly, trying to hide the smile fighting its way to his lips.
Patton beamed gleefully, fully removing the lid of the container and holding them out so Janus could get a better look.
“I just baked a fresh batch of chocolate chip cookies and thought you’d like some!”
He chirped, his eyes crinkly with a certain radiance. Janus scanned the other side’s joyful expression, observing the way with little to no thought, Patton could exude such goodness. Janus didn’t know how it made him feel. On one hand it left him breathless as butterflies danced in his stomach, while at the same time, it also reminded him of what he was not and would never be.
“Would you?”
Patton beckoned again as a response to Janus’s silence.
“Come again?”
“Would you want some cookies?”
“No.”
Janus deadpanned as he reached to grab one. Patton only chuckled as he watched in amusement as Janus flicked his tongue out to better smell the cookie, before taking a bite.
“Any Good?”
Janus flashed a quick smile before finishing the cookie and going to grab another.
“Can I… I was hoping to maybe, talk for a bit? Can I- I don’t want to intrude, but… Can I come in?”
Patton stumbled over his words, averting his eyes sheepishly.
Ever since Thomas had attended the wedding, and all that followed, he and Patton had been hanging around each other more often. However, they’d always “accidentally” run into one another, or make up some poor excuse for why they needed to drop in. If Janus just happened to know exactly what time Patton started cooking dinner, and wanted to brew some tea then, or if Patton took a stroll through the dark side corridor when the weather was particularly lovely for some sun bathing and bumped into Janus slithering outside, then it was purely coincidence.
Although Janus knew with clarity that they were both lying to themselves and each other, he was willing to keep it up, as long as he and Patton continued to have their surprise run-ins. Patton knocking at his door certainly shook things up, but not in an unwelcome way.
Janus took a step backward and motioned for the moral side to come in. Patton happily bounded in, absentmindedly looking around as he clumsily walked in a circle around himself. Janus couldn’t help the amused exhale he released at the sight.
“Fair warning, when I shut the door, the rooms effects are fully enforced.”
“And those effects are?”
Patton couldn’t hide the nervousness in his grin.
Janus walked toward him with a short huff of laughter.
“You can’t tell a lie in here.”
Patton’s eyes widened, as Janus strolled right past him and took a seat on his bed.
“Hasn’t changed since we were kids, y’know.”
He added quietly, averting his eyes to the floor. He heard the soft creak of Patton’s footsteps as the other side approached him.
“Yeah, you’re right, wow I- I guess… all those memories can get blurry.”
Janus looked back up at him.
“Yeah. I guess they can.”
Janus failed to mention to Patton how lies of omission were the only kind that could fly under his room’s radar. Sure, to some extent, he was telling the truth. Lots of memories from Thomas’s childhood had grown foggy as the years passed. However, for Janus specifically, the memories he shared with Patton when they were both children stuck with him like glue. He couldn’t shake them off if he tried.
Janus’s attention was quickly drawn back to the present as he took note of Patton looking at the space on the bed beside him, and then back at Janus hesitantly.
“You can sit, y’know?”
“Oh, I know! I can lie down, roll over, fetch, play dead…”
Patton began to list, the start of a chuckle building in his throat.
Janus rolled his eyes and patted the spot beside him, to which Patton plopped down. He placed the cookie container between them.
The two sat next to each other, both looking outward. There was silence except for the quiet thud of Patton’s heels hitting the bed as he subconsciously swung his legs back and forth off the bedside.
“I saw Thomas today!”
Patton broke the silence.
Janus hummed as he grabbed another cookie and began munching on it.
“He’s going on another date with Nico today. Gosh, he seems so excited. Roman and Virgil too… they-“
Patton paused, pursing his lips.
“I don’t think I’ve seen them smile that much since…well, you know.”
“I know.”
They locked eyes, and Janus mustered the most comforting smile he could. Hanging around with Patton so much had made him soft. He was unable to produce some snarky comment when Patton looked at him with such vulnerability.
“It’s nice to see them happy. I just wish…”
Patton trailed off, the gears visibly turning in his head, as his eyebrow twitched in thought.
“I don’t know. I’m happy for them, but I just I… I wish I was happy too.”
Patton admitted, bringing his hands to rustle his hair in frustration. He sighed, head still in his hands.
Like the flick of a switch, he was back upright, gentle smile on his lips. Janus was always impressed by Patton’s ability to put on his “happy go-lucky” mask at the bat of an eye. Patton’s cheery facade used to disguise his deeply ingrained hurting mirrored that of Janus’s cruel facade used to disguise his sickly weakness and softness.
To say he was Impressed with Patton was an oversimplification, there was also that sickening thing Patton was dripping with— empathy— that washed over Janus whenever he watched Patton repress the mountains of pain he carried with him daily.
“Sorry to ramble, I- How do you feel about all this stuff with Nico?”
Janus hadn’t even realized he’d been staring, and quickly cleared his throat and faced forward as he contemplated how to respond to that.
“Not too sure my input on this is really wanted.”
“What do you mean?”
Janus hadn’t intended to delve into what was eating at him. The growing exhaustion at the fact that no matter how hard he tried, how much he cared— he was still carved into Thomas’s mind as the devil come to pull him to the shadows. He could only pretend for so long that it didn’t hurt the way the others looked at him. The way Logan eyed him with suspicion, or how Roman looked at him as though he were the most horrific force of evil. And then there was Virgil, who looked at him with such personal, burning malice. The venom in the anxious side’s eyes left Janus with a painful hollowness. Worse than that was the fact that Virgil’s anger toward him was justified. Janus could pretend it didn’t bother him, but his detached indifference was just as fake as Patton’s smile.
“You don’t actually want love advice from a force of evil, do you?”
Patton immediately shook his head, fully turning to face Janus.
“Force of Evil? Jan, now we both kno-“
“Nevermind what I know.”
Janus huffed, rolling his eyes as he shook his head.
“It’s all to do with what Thomas knows. and he knows I’m no good.”
Janus said matter of factly.
“You’re plenty good, and you’ve said it before-“
“And still. That didn’t change Thomas’s view of me.”
Janus turned to face Patton, a distraught look painted on the usually cheery man’s face as he fumbled for some way to reply.
“I’m certainly not a good moral indicator to him, am I?”
The passive aggression creeping into his tone wasn’t intentional, but he could not contain it. Although his and Patton’s relationship had improved vastly in the past few months, and despite Janus feeling an array of warm and fuzzy feelings at the thought of him— it didn’t erase the pain and resentment that existed before.
Patton was still Morality. And it was Thomas’s moral code that bound Janus to his role as the villain. It was Patton who created the entire light vs. dark side concept. It was Patton who cast them into the shadows.
“Janus.”
Patton reached to take the deceitful side’s hand , giving Janus enough time to move away from the touch if unwanted, before holding it in his own hand.
“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to say sorry enough. But I’ll say it again, because you deserve to hear it.”
Patton squeezed his hand.
“I’m sorry Janus. I’m sorry that I didn’t recognize how important you are to Thomas. I’m sorry that I diminished your role to something so two dimensional. I’m sorry that I’ve unhealthily swayed Thomas’s decisions, and in the process, hurt you.”
Patton’s voice was quiet, yet firm and precise. Janus could only stare.
“When I say that I know you are Good, I do so both as morality and as Patton. You are so, so good, Janus. And I’m so sorry I ever made Thomas, and you, feel like you were anything less.”
“Then why the scales?”
He felt Patton’s grip on his hand falter.
“What do you mean?”
“Why do I still have the scales?”
The aggression in his tone from earlier had melted away into something almost lifeless, yet somehow colder.
“If Thomas now sees my supposed goodness, why am I still half snake, hmm?”
“I don’t understand?”
Janus found himself standing and pulling his hand from Patton’s hold.
“Look at me Patton.”
And look he did, Patton’s eyes wide with worry. The same worried look Patton would give him when they faced a bully on the playground, or when a teacher would call them aside for a “quick chat”, whenever they’d enter a church, and worse yet, whenever they sat in a confessional. It made Janus sick.
“These are a reminder of who I am and as long as they are here, I know where I stand.”
Janus turned to the side so Patton could only see his snake like features.
“Janus, come now—“
“Surely you’re aware of the fact that I am the only side who looks this way?”
Janus sneered, he didn’t know what came over him as he beard his fangs for Patton to see. Part of him felt like crumpling into a weeping heap on the floor, while the other slipped into his usual state of defense: scare away anyone getting too close to the truth.
He allowed rage to fester in his bones as he tore his gloves off to reveal one human hand, and the other scaled and clawed.
“Look at me Patton, and tell me this doesn’t mean anything.”
He raised his clawed hand into the hair, the scales luminescent.
“Tell me I’m not a monster! Tell me this doesn’t reflect what Thomas sees me as!”
He practically snarled.
“You and I both know you can’t tell me that. We both know it’d be a lie—“
Janus froze in place at the sensation of human skin against his scales. Amidst his outburst, Patton had grabbed his hand. He squeezed Janus’s ungloved hand, his eyes watery and pleading. There was also something else in his expression and for a moment Janus questioned if he was dreaming.
No fear. No disgust. No contempt. Just love.
“You’re no monster Jan.”
Patton whispered, carefully pulling a now shaking Janus to sit back down beside him. Janus just allowed himself to be moved, a certain numbness coming over him as he felt himself lose control of his own limbs. The room was spinning and everything was blurry, and it was all too much, and yet, not enough, and—
Patton ran his fingers down Janus’s scaled palm, before pulling the claw to rest against his own chest.
“Can you feel my heartbeat?”
Janus nodded stiffly. Patton gave him an encouraging smile.
“Can you count with me to the beat of it?”
Janus shut his eyes tightly and nodded again. He felt dizzy, and the ringing in his ears was certainly not helping. Trying to formulate a singular thought felt impossible.
“You’re doing so good love, count with me.”
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15…
Janus felt a single tear slip down his face as he caught his breath.
“That’s it. Breathe with me. There you go.”
As he slowly became aware of his surroundings, his eyes drifted to stare at his hand which was still pressed against Patton’s chest. He watched as Patton’s fingers curled around his, completely unbothered by his reptilian nature.
Patton took note of Janus’s focal point, and moved their hands to rest in between them.
“If I’m being honest…”
Janus began, his eyes still fixated on his hand in Patton’s.
“I thought I could scare you off.”
“Did you want me to leave?”
“No.”
Janus’s response came far too quickly and far too shakily. He was certainly not doing a great job of maintaining his cunning, mysterious persona. He supposed he ought to be embarrassed, but he couldn’t find the energy to be.
“You don’t scare me anymore.”
Patton chuckled to himself, as he moved his other hand to clasp both of Janus’s.
“Snakeface and all, I love you.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
They sat in comfortable silence, Patton twiddling with Janus’s thumbs.
“They’re beautiful.”
Patton broke the silence as he hesitantly reached his hand out, his eyes soft and filled with wonder. Part of Janus wanted to make a run for it— the intense attention being placed onto his scales made him want to shrivel up and never leave his room again. And yet, there was also warmth pooling in his chest, and his eyes almost seemed to mirror the wonder apparent in Patton’s
“May I?”
Janus was hyper aware of how close Patton was to his scales, and yet with a nervous gulp, he nodded, subconsciously leaning in to meet Patton’s feather like touch as he grazed Janus’s scaled cheek with his thumb.
Janus closed his eyes and hummed lightly at the sensation of his scaled face being held with such tenderness.
“You know what they mean, don’t you?”
Janus whispered, his eyes still shut.
He felt Patton’s other hand card through his hair, as he was pulled closer to the moral side. The other side gently removed his hat as to more easily cradle his face.
“What do you mean, Jan?”
Patton prompted, his breath ghosting over Janus’s nose.
“Y’know when the scales started growing?”
Janus looked up to see Patton shake his head.
“The first time we heard the story of the Garden of Eden. That’s when. You don’t have to be Logan to fill in the rest of the gaps, yes?”
His words were laced with bitterness.
“I’m half snake because of how Thomas views me. As evil.”
Janus laughed dryly.
“I’m the snake come to lure him astray.”
Patton moved so both his hands were holding Janus’s face. His thumb moved in slow circles against the deceitful side’s scales.
“Well, it doesn’t seem like that from where I’m standing…. or well, sitting,.”
Patton pressed their foreheads together, causing Janus’s breath to hitch. Angry tears threatened to escape the snake’s eyelids.
“It seems like you’ve been leading us to the light recently.”
A lone tear slid down his scaled cheek at Patton’s gentle words.
“Especially for me. I-I don’t know how I’d be um- well since the wedding, I- don’t know if I’d be in a position to leave my room if it weren’t for you.”
Janus almost laughed when he took note of the tears in Patton’s eyes. That empathetic sap couldn’t help but cry at the sight of Janus crying.
“I mean it Jan. Thomas is so lucky to have you. We all are.”
Janus pursed his lips as the tears fell.
“He’d be lost without you, you’know?”
Patton wiped the other side’s tears away, his own eyes red and puffy from the tears spilling from his. The sight only made Janus cry harder.
“I’d be lost without you.”
Janus let out a pathetic sob, before moving to slam his hand over his mouth to mute himself.
“It’s ok love, let it out.”
Patton chided as he wrapped his arms around Janus’s shoulders, pulling him into a bone-crushing hug. Janus followed in suit, going fully limp in Patton’s hold and allowing the sobs to rack through his being.
They sat like that for some time, Janus clinging to Patton, who’s grip was ever firm and oozing with care. Patton rubbed slow circles against Janus’s back, whilst murmuring the quietest of reassurances. It crossed his mind that he’d never been held like this. In the past he’d held a crying Virgil or a restless Remus, but never had he been in a situation where someone did that for him. He found himself hugging Patton back, causing Patton to kiss his hairline.
At the feeling of Patton’s lips, Janus instinctually backed away.
“Oh gosh, was that ok?”
Patton asked, his words apologetic.
“Yeah. It was quite pleasant actually.”
Janus admitted.
Janus leaned back in so they were forehead to forehead once again.
“To answer your even earlier question… I’m scared for Thomas.”
Patton perked up slightly, nodding for Janus to continue.
“I don’t know if we’re ready to be in a relationship. I mean… we both know things haven’t been great around here, and that…it takes a toll on Thomas.”
“Yeah.”
Patton agreed.
“I just don’t think Thomas is ready to be there for Nico like that, if we can’t get our shit together and he can’t take care of himself.”
Janus continued on, sighing as Patton’s hand curled around his neck.
“I don’t want Thomas to get more hurt.”
He finished, searching Patton’s eyes for a clear reaction.
“I know what you mean.”
Patton’s voice sounded so small.
“I’m scared too. I don’t want to go through it all again, but I can feel him…well, falling.”
Patton’s hands wandered into Janus’s hair, twirling strands lightly to ground himself.
“I know what you mean. He’s trying to lie to himself that he’s not that invested… but god, he’s got it bad.”
The two laughed. As Thomas’s heart, Patton could feel without a doubt, the pull Nico had on him, and as Deceit, Janus felt Thomas lying to himself that whatever he had going on with Nico was only casual. There was a lot to unpack there, and neither side was quite prepared for it.
“I guess we’ll have to be scared together.”
“Patton that is such a gross, cheesy sentiment.”
“and you love me for it!”
Janus rolled his eyes.
“Yeah. Sure, I guess I do.”
They took a moment to just sit there, gazing at each other with quiet fondness— Patton reckoned it was the only true moment of peace to occur in the mindscape for some time
Patton broke the silence.
“Can I kiss your cheek?”
Patton brought his hand down to Janus’s scaled cheek, causing Janus to involuntarily lean into his palm.
“The scaled one?“
“Yes, I mean, if that would be okay with you?”
Janus took a shaky breath, truly not sure what to do with himself. Patton continued rubbing his back, humming softly to fill the silence.
“Yeah. That would be more than okay.”
“Alright love.”
Patton cooed before leaning in to press their noses together. He moved slightly and placed a light kiss on the center of Janus’s scaled cheek. Any compulsion to lie, or hide away, or put on any sort’ve mask fell away as Patton continued to press kisses to his scaled cheek.
“I think things can change overtime.”
“Is that so?”
“Look at us now.”
Patton placed a kiss to Janus’s nose, causing Janus’s forked tongue to flick out for a second. Patton squealed at the sight, doing it again and clasping his hands together elatedly.
“Seriously?”
“Don’t throw a hissy fit on me!”
Patton scrunched his nose up at his own pun, causing Janus to laugh fondly.
“What I’m saying is… maybe the scales don’t mean what they used to mean. Maybe they’re growing and changing with us.”
“Huh…”
Janus had never really considered that before. Maybe they were just a part of who he was, and despite what they may have once represented, had grown into something more.
“Just a thought!”
Patton giggled, before booping Janus on the nose, eliciting both a blep and a feigned scowl.
Shaking his head, Janus reached for another cookie only to find the container empty.
“Hope you weren’t planning on sharing these with the others…”
“Well, actually, I kinda baked them as an excuse to come hang out with you so…”
“Then you wouldn’t mind… hanging out a little longer?”
“I’d like nothing more.”
Patton kissed his forehead, and when he looked at Janus like that, with that soft, open expression, Janus reckoned that things may actually turn out alright.
And for once, it didn’t feel like a lie.