Work Text:
I am alone.
It is dark.
It is always dark.
I am not always alone.
Sometimes - I don’t know how often - men come. I hear them whisper as they shuffle around my home, and I go to meet them.
I want them to be my friends. I’ve never had a friend. I’ve never had anyone. I want them to see me and smile instead of scream.
But they always scream. They always scream and they always punch at me and I always get scared and I don’t know how it happens but I hurt them and they die. And then I get so hungry and I never get any food here so I have to eat them. I feel bad about it.
I wanted them to be my friends.
When I was young, I didn’t live here. I lived above, in a huge colorful place. Those were good days. They were the best days I’ve had. There was so much space. It was like the colorful place went on forever. My mother fed me fruit, and the Man in Gold never looked at me. He always scared me, so shiny and blinding, but he never looked at me back then.
I had friends. I think I did. I can’t remember much. But I remember when I hurt someone for the first time. A larger child came over to me. I wondered if he wanted to be my friend. But he shoved me. He shoved me hard and I fell over and cried. That made him laugh. I think he thought it was funny, the way I sounded when I cried. He kicked me. I cried. He kicked me again. I swung my arm and struck him in the chest. He flew across the room and crashed against the wall. The wall cracked and shattered. I’m not sure what happened after that, but I know I never saw that child again. That scared me. It scared me, what I did to that child.
Everyone else was scared of me too. It was the end of my good days in the colorful place. Everyone avoided me. I always felt the Man in Gold frowning at me. He looked at me a lot after that time with that child.
They started taking away the fruit my mother would give me. She would shout at them, but they’d take away my fruit anyway. I cried. I didn’t understand. My mother always tried to teach me how to speak and understand the words people said, but it was always so hard for me. I never learned much.
I didn’t get to wander around anymore. I stayed in my room, and I got yelled at if I tried to leave, and that scared me so I stayed put. One day a crying woman stormed into my room and started shaking me, spitting in my face and saying horrible-sounding words like knives in my ears. I didn’t understand what the words were but I knew they were mean from the way she said them. They were words that were supposed to hurt me. She said something about a son, and I thought of my mother.
The woman kept shaking me and it made me scared so I pushed her away, only her head hit the wall and her neck made a cracking sound, and she stopped moving after that. My stomach growled. I hadn’t had anything to eat for days by then. I was so hungry.
When they came in, my room smelled bad, and my hands and face and the walls were smeared with red. I saw someone faint and someone else throw up. I was scared because I thought they were sick and they were going to get me sick too. They tried to pull me out of my room but I was scared of getting sick so I pulled away and I guess they were scared of me too because they left me there for a while. I fell asleep and then someone slapped my face and I woke up and I saw that I was tied up and couldn’t move very good. The Man in Gold sat on his big chair and stared down at me angrily. I started shaking and crying because I was scared of him looking at me.
All the people started yelling and that made me cry more. I think my crying scared them because people started backing away from me like I was going to hurt them. I wouldn’t hurt them. I didn’t want to hurt them. I was scared. I didn’t know why I was being tied up. I thought I was going to be hurt.
They didn’t hurt me, though. They argued for a few minutes before picking me up and carrying me down here, where I live now. They carried me down winding passageways and confusing halls until they got to my new room and put me down. They cut the ropes and I tried to leave with them, but they held up sharp things and torches and the fire scared me, so I stayed put as they left.
It’s dark where I live, but my eyes have gotten used to it. That scares me sometimes when I think about it. I’m so used to how dark it is here. What if I got out, and in the brightness of the world above, I could no longer see?
That thought kept me from trying to find my way out again after the first few times I tried. That, and I always got lost and scared until I found my way back to my room.
It’s very lonely where I live. I think I’m the only person who’s always here. Besides the men who come sometimes, the only person who ever visits is my mother. She never enters my home, but I can hear her voice, calling my name. I wish I could see her. I wish she could hold me again, like she used to. I love my mother. She says kind things to me and sings me the songs I liked when I was younger. I sit curled up in my room and listen to her while I rock back and forth and stroke my horns. It always makes me feel nice. Then she stops singing, and says goodbye. She says my name again. Asterion. My mother was never able to teach me many words, but I made sure to remember that one. I knew it was important.
Asterion.
I try to say it myself, but the sounds get caught in my throat and none of the noises that come out of my mouth sound right. Sometimes I scare myself with how I sound. I don’t know why I can’t just talk like other people. I try and try and try but it never works. I try to say my name again. A bunch of groans and bellows are all that come out. I rock back and forth and cry.
I stroke my horns to help myself feel better. They are hard and firm, and feel like fingernails sliding against my palms. I know that other people do not have horns. I know that I am different from them in that way. I am a unique thing. Maybe there’s no one like me in the world. I still want to be a part of it. I let go of my horns, and I look up at the ceiling.
I want to be a part of the world.
I want to return to the colorful place. I want to show them that they are wrong to fear me, that I can be their friend. I want to learn to speak and be understood by them. I want to leave this place that is so dark and frightening and lonely. I want to gaze into the light and not be blinded. I want to show them all that I have a place among them, that I am a person, that I am alive.
I know that I have problems. I know that I get scared and I’m very strong, and I hurt people. But I don’t want to hurt people. I want to learn how to stop being scared and stop hurting people. Maybe up there, there is someone who can show me how to do that.
I hear a noise. Another man has entered my home.
I smile. I think this time it will be different. I don’t think things will end the same as with the other men. Maybe this time we’ll leave this place together.
A new man is here.
Maybe he will be my friend.