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Mr. Krabbs was a simple man. No he wasnt he was sophisticated and elegant. Anyway. Everyday he took an elegant and sophisticated money bath like a distinguished young gentleman. Or Krabb. His favorite item was a money loofa which he used during his daily money bath. Anyway. Bill Cipher was a crazy gay dorito eldrich being who was bored. And unlike his waifu, he did not like to take money baths.
He picked up his multi dimentional phone and called Mr. Krabbs to try and commit tax fraud. Gayly.
"Hey Krabbsy! It's BILL! You're husband. I'm calling from the IRS tax jail." He lied. The IRS doesn't have a jail. Bill you silly goose.
"OH NO!" Mr. Krabbs exclaimed. "WHAT DID YOU DO MY CHIPPY HONEYBUN FRIED CASKET NOODLE?"
"I need money" Cipher plainly stated. He loves using his sugar daddy.
"ARRR. Of course my love. I love you so much."
Mr. Krabbs took his 24k golden crane and lifted his money bath out of his bathroom. Forklift certified people are sexy as fuck. It is a forklift. I say so. Fuck you Max. Anyway (fuck you too Archer) Mr. Krabs hurriedly pulled on his "seeing my hubby pants", which where hot pink and if I described them any further i would be arrested for disturbing the peace. He jumped in his multi-convertible and zoomed over to the IRS to save his little itty bitty baby boy.
Unfortunately. This was not the Interdimentional IRS jail. Bill was fucking lying. Mr. Krabs fell onto hias knees and cried in despair of his problem for trusting people too much, then wiped off the tears with a $100 bill and picked up the phone.
"Bill, you little shit," Mr. Krabs fumed. "Are you there, you two-dimensional stripper on dollar store cocaine?"
"No need to get so CRABBY. baby," said Bill, who laughed at his own joke for 5 minutes before continuing,"Fuck me in the asshole you mother fucker. Give me money."
"Okay." Krabbs said, simping and now over his abandonment issues. This is so angsty. Authors are crying.
Mr. Krabbs, being an elegant man, was raised in an elegant house hold. His parents loved abandoning him every weekend to go to hotels and fuck. Mr. Krabbs would cling onto any parental figure or any love that he could. And he trusted people too much. One of these people was Songebob Squarepants. They met at an early age at rich people camp. They fell in love.
"Hello." Was spongebobs first words to Mr. Krabbs
"Holy shit I love you so much I need to kiss you you are so sexy i love you you are the only thing keeping me sane."
Spongebob replied "Same bestie. Lets go make out in criss cross creek" Mr. Krabbs was ecsatic. This was his first sex. He has had so many intimite encounters with Spongebob. All they needed to exchange were words to express the love they felt for capitalism, and therefore, each other.
However. Spongebob was part of an underground Italian Mafia gang who hate Krabbs. Whilst leading Mr. Krabbs to criss cross creek. He started flirting with Mr. Krabbs. "You're Crabulous!" Spongebob told Mr. krabbs. "HOly shit. I love you more then me mother. Arr"
"AHAHAHAA I TRICKED YOU YOU BUBBLEguM BITCH ASS LOOKING MOTHER FUCKER. I HATE KRABBS." The mafia jumped out of Spongebobs stomach and attacked Mr. Krabbs.
Mr. Krabs knew what was going on immediatley. he grabbed spongebob's leg and hurled him at the mafia, which didnt work because it's the damn mafia and they just shot sponegob out of the way.
"SPONGEBOBBBBB!!!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!" cried Mr. Krabs, grieving spongdebob's death even though he was just betrayed. He was now sugar daddyless and therefore had nothing to lose. And a crab with nothing to lose will mess you the fuck up.
He pulled a spatula out of his asshole and immediatley aged up 30 years. With his martial arts knoweledge and daddy issues combined he was powerful enough to unleash the power of the krabby patties upon the mafia, which were so confused by what they just saw that over half of them combusted before the patties could get to them. Then, as a fiishing move, Mr. Krabs stole all their guns and shot them.
but enough about his backstory. I prefer to live in the here and now, amiright?
The world is dying. I hate Autism Speaks.
In the present. Thinking of his ex made him furious, and more eager to please Billy Willy. "I have me money right here sweetie pie."
"HAHA. THanks, loser." Bill said. His way of flirting was telling people they're worthless. Wow so relatable.
Bill materialized out of thin air and made out passionately with the Dilf Krab for 5 minutes, making watching looker, or passer ons. i cant remember, anyway, it made pedestrians uncomfortable. "Thanks for the money, daddy." Bill told Mr. Krabbs. "Your welcome hunny bunny bubba bubble gum."
Bill took all the money from Mr. Krabbs and left.
Bill Cipher also has obscure trauma that I am going to improvise now. He was part of the Anti Crab Mafia. His parents were fucking terrible and also were bad. They'd abandon him every weekend to have a rich people gang bang with Mr. Krabbs family. Ignore the fact that the anti krab ppl are fucking krabbs.
Bill hated this. So when he grew up to be an angsty not like other girls 20 yr old with long black ebony hair, he met mr. krabbs and started dating him. His parents found out about this before long and stoel Mr Krabbs away from Bill to put him in a secret illegal sex dungeon. Bill busted him out after like two hours and they had the most graphic sex possible. ill give you a hint: barbed wire. it was really sexy. you should have been there. i hate my life.
why are we writing this
Bill also was disowned and cut off from family funds so he is trying to remake the money from his Krabby Patty man meat. Now that he had all of his money back, he had no need for Mr. Krabbs.
"Krabby, baby. We have to end this. It's not you its me. But it's totally you. I hate capitalists. Im a socialist. Lol get fucked." Bill cipher then joined the Anti Krabs cult in retaliation. Krabbs now had so much trauma that he cried for eternity. His sexy dorito chip abandoned him like that damn sponge. Now he hated the color yellow forever.
**FIN**
wahoo